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Showing posts from April, 2019

Capitalist Chickens

I remain a firm believer in capitalism. But having raised chickens I can honestly attest that left to their own devices and given opportunity those backyard chickens we so love would peck our eyes out. Capitalism is no different.

And no one is suggesting we eradicate chickens from the face of the Earth.

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Exciting Conclusion

Continued from Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1

"So you're telling me," President Jane Watson asked, "that for 2 years the United States Military has been working with world religious leaders behind my back to change what people believe about God?"

"Actually this goes back decades," General Iverson explained.

"Decades!" the President shouted, "Decades!"

"We were hoping to prevent all the damage from happening," the General explained.

"But Doctor Roberts just started talking about this 2 years ago," the President questioned.

"Yes Ma'am," the General answered, "but he started researching it 40 years ago."

"I knew somebody was spying on me," Doctor Roberts exclaimed. "And everyone said I was just being paranoid."

"Sorry about that," General Iverson added, "national security."

"Oh, no problem," Dr Roberts laughed. "Guess I should be glad yo…

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 9

Continued from Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1

"Planets switching their orbits, tidal waves, what's next," President Watson exclaimed, "entire cities disappearing?"

"That's already happening," General Iverson answered, "The most recent photos from our spy satellites confirm that Tokyo, Beijing, and Moscow are no longer on the planet."

"Oh Baby God," Doctor Roberts exclaimed, "where are they?"

"No one knows," the General answered. "They just disappeared."

"So what can we do?" the President asked.

"We must contact all the world's leaders and most importantly all the world's religious leaders from every religion and convince them to stop praying to God and start praying to Baby God to end his temper tantrum," Doctor Roberts answered.

"Already on it, Madam President," the General stated. "The Joint Chiefs have been in discussion with world religious lea…

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 8

Continued from Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1


"This all seems absurd," President Jane Watson complained. "Scientists have been telling us for years that gods are something people just dreamed up and now scientists are saying we're supposed to believe in this Baby God. You've got to be kidding me."

"But gods are something people dream up," Doctor Roberts explained, "but just because they're dreamed up doesn't mean they're not real. Some dreams are made manifest by those who dream them. Other dreams are made manifest by those who follow. When it comes to making a god we have to have both the dreamers and the followers."


"But what happened to the last god?" the President asked.

"Humanity made God something he isn't," the Professor answered.

"We can do that?" the President asked.

"Sure," Dr Roberts replied, "if we can dream a god into existence then how hard must it be to c…

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 7

Continued from Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1

"To put it in the most simple of terms," Doctor Roberts explained, "gods only exist when enough people believe in them and the universe only exists in the minds of gods."

"Go ahead," the President instructed, her skepticism still obvious.

"Many years ago," the Doctor continued, "most people believed in lots of different gods, Polytheism..." He paused. "but when Monotheism became the norm those other gods retired."

"You mean they didn't die?" the President asked.

"Oh no," Doctor Roberts explained, "once a god reaches maturity and enough people believe in a god that god will never die."

"So," the President asked, "you're saying our God has retired to eternity and left us with this Baby God? Does that about sum it up?"

"Yes Ma'am," the Professor replied, "that's exactly what happened."

"…

Packrats

I came home from work one day to discover a lump in my couch where no lump had been before. I raised the cushion to find a pocket calculator, an earring, several cheap rings, a watch without a band, some ink pens, polished rocks, a bottle cap, and other odds and ends.
And none of them were mine.
Then I noticed a newly chewed hole in the back of my couch.
The mouse or pack rat brought me all sorts of gifts for months leaving me to wonder, is he taking stuff from me and what is he taking?

Is That Your Porsche In The Parking Lot?

I was having a few beers in a bar on US 29 just north of Greensboro, North Carolina some years back when this drunk stumbled in the front door and started asking everyone inside, "Is that your Porsche in the parking lot? I ran into somebody's Porsche and I need to tell them I hit it."

Well at least he's honest, I thought as I replied, "Are you sure it's a Porsche? Ain't nobody here can afford a Porsche."

"Yea it's a Porsche," he said as he went on to ask the next guy, "Don't you think I know what a Porsche is?"

Finally, after he had annoyed everyone in the bar to no end, several people walked outside to see what the drunk was talking about. Seems he had driven his car into the front porch of the bar.

The End To Another Perfect Day

"Wow, that looks like fun," she shouts as hundreds of maple helicopters rain down on her but as soon as she takes a bite she spits it out shouting, "Yuck, that's no good!" And being the seeds then just lie on the ground doing nothing she quickly loses interest.

A boy rides down the street on a red bicycle, a huge smile on his face. That looks very dangerous, she thinks, I'd best not get too close to him and his machine.

A small bird lights on a limb nearby. This could be fun. She's excited. But as soon as the bird spots her it flies away as quickly as it came, "I hate it when they do that," she complains.

Next a brightly colored butterfly comes bouncing through the air, a temptation too great to resist. She jumps high into the air grabbing the brightly colored insect in her mouth then spitting it out shouting, "Ow, that's the grossest thing yet! How come nobody ever told me?"

And with that she sat down, looked around and sighed, &quo…

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 6

Continued from Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1


"So Doctor Roberts," President Jane Watson asked, seated across a table from him, "you're telling us that this Baby God is causing all these supernatural disasters to take place all over the world?"

"Wow, is this free range coffee?" Doctor Roberts asked. "They wouldn't let us have real coffee inside the luny bin at Georgetown. What brand is it?"

"I'll get someone from my staff to find out before you leave," the President answered lifting a silver cover from a bowl between them. "Perhaps you'd enjoy some of these fair trade eggs while you explain how Baby God is causing all this."

"Is that jelly MSG free?" Doctor Roberts asked. "I'm sure Baby God wouldn't want us eating jelly with MSG in it."

"I'm sure it is," the President answered. "Now about what is going on?"

"Well," Dr Roberts explained betwe…

A Murder Of Crows

At least I think they were crows. They were big and night have been ravens, I'm never sure.

Anyway, this afternoon when I finally got my brother's lawnmower running and started mowing my front yard for the first time this year (Yes, it's April 15 and the weeds were knee high, the mowers were all broken.) I noticed a murder of crows beginning to alight on a telephone wire across the street.

For those who might not know, a flock of crows is correctly called a murder of crows. It goes back to the Middle Ages, somewhere in England and even the English admit it makes no sense.

Now a lot of people get superstitious about groups of crows and ravens but I'm not one of them. I enjoy watching them and see them for what they are-- very intelligent birds. I often watch as they take pecans from my tree, drop them in the street, then return to eat them after the cars have crushed the shells beneath the tires. Just the other day I chased away two smaller birds who were harassing a crow …

What's The Point?

Innovation unseen, un-shared, and unnoticed benefits no one. So why continue to innovate?

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 5

Continued from Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1


 President Jane Watson was seated at her desk in the Oval Office when General Iverson entered the room accompanied by Secret Service officers and 2 Marines carrying a very groggy man into the office with them. "Madan President," the General said, "meet Dr Paul Roberts." Doctor Roberts only stared as if he wasn't fully aware of what was going on.

"What's wrong with him?" the President asked.

"He was given a very strong sedative," the General answered.

"Why?" she asked.

"It seems," Iverson replied, "the doctor displayed a very irrational fear of flying so the Russians treated him to a temporary, if unwelcome fix."

"Well sometimes you've got to love that Russian attitude," President Watson laughed, "Put him on the couch. Had we transported him by sea it would have taken days to get him here."

"We've already given him drugs to…

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 4

Continued from Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1


"So where is Dr Roberts," President Watson asked.

"He's in the mental ward at Georgetown," General Iverson answered.

"Well why haven't you got him here already?" the President shouted, "Georgetown is right here in DC!"

"Not anymore," the Director of Health and Human Services informed her.

"Don't tell me..."

"Moscow," General Iverson interrupted.

"I told you not to tell me," the President mumbled.

"Yes Ma'am," the General softly answered.

"Will the Russians let us have him back?" the President asked.

"They've already loaded him in the back seat of a MiG-35 and are flying him here as fast as they can," General Iverson answered.

"Well just make sure nobody shoots them down," the President ordered.

"Yes Ma'am."

"It's yes Madam President!" President Jane Watson commanded.


Definition Of Political Experience

Political Experience is the acquired or sometimes innate ability to receive unethical campaign contributions from unscrupulous doners, explain it away to supporters as a necessary evil, get them to believe you, and pass laws that are not in the best interest of voters or the communities in which they live. All while being able to maintain a sexually deviate and quite often addicted lifestyle in the eyes of the public.


The Wackemall Dictionary is a free online service of  Wackemall Media, Mining, Manufacturing, Farming & Transportation... Wackemall.com

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 3

Continued from Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1


On the forth day of the crisis President Jane Watson and her staff again gathered in the White House Situation Room. "Has anyone seen the Washington Monument?" President Watson asked.

"It's in Mexico City," the Secretary of Foreign Relations answered. "Worse than that, the Great Pyramid is now in Israel and every one of the Muslim nations are threatening to wipe Israel off the face off the Earth if it isn't returned immediately."

"If they all attack," the President said," then Israel will use nukes."

"Correct," the Secretary agreed, "and Pakistan will use their nukes."

"Then India fires on Pakistan," the President continued, "and before you know it all of us are shooting nukes at each other. Things are disappearing and reappearing all over the world, the Great Wall of China is on the Texas-- Oklahoma border for God's sake! Is there no o…

Don't Be Deceived

There's feel good green and then there's real good green.





Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 2

Continued from Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1


President Jane Watson and her husband were sound asleep in the Lincoln Bedroom when what seemed to be the rumbling of a small earthquake startled both of them from their slumber. "What is that?" President Watson asked.

"I don't know," her husband answered as he walked to the window and opened the drapes, "but I think you better take a look at this."

"Mount Rushmore!" she exclaimed as she looked across Constitution Avenue to see the stone faces of Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Roosevelt staring back at her from where President's Park South had been just a few hours earlier. "Tell me it's not real."

Minutes later as staff members, the Joint Chiefs, Cabinet Secretaries and others began gathering in the White House Situation Room the President asked, "What do we know so far?"

"Well it's not a hallucination or some kind of hologram," G…

The Times, They Are A Changing

When you finally get it worked out please do us the favor of informing everyone of what the rules are.

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1

Dr Paul Roberts was world renown for his work in physics, electronics, biology, chemistry, astrology, mathematics, and more. Having won multiple Nobel Prizes and awards, beaten all the greatest computers in the world at playing chess, and being world champion of several of the most difficult video games ever designed there was little doubt that his genius had exceeded even that of Steven Hawking, Albert Einstein, William James Sidis, Christopher Langan, and a host of others who had all been at one time or another, declared the smartest man in the world.

That was, until the day Dr Paul Roberts made public his belief that the entire universe as we know it, exists only in the brain of a 2 year old baby.

And to make matters worse Dr Roberts declared that the baby is dying and that if a cure cannot be found and administered in time the entire Universe and everything in it will die with the baby.

Dr Roberts was immediately branded insane, made the butt of late night TV skits, and very quick…

Billy's Big List Of Necessary Evils

I'm like most folks in that I wish we lived in a perfect world but the fact is we don't live in a perfect world, never will live in a perfect world, and are probably the farthermost from living in a perfect world than has ever been since the first humans came into existence. And being a bit of a jaded old retiree I don't see things getting much better any time soon.

Necessary evils are just that, necessary because the society we live in makes it impossible for our current society and government to function without them. And evil because someone is always hurt by them. Some are evil to some segments of society and necessary to other segments. And some only exist in some places but should perhaps be forced on everyone as a means to level the playing field.

Abortion

Affirmative Action

Air Travel


Automobiles

Black market underground economies


Capitalism

Electoral College

Employment


Free College Education

Government Health Care

Genocide

Heartbreak, disappointment, and loss

Incentives

Mass T…

I Can't Keep Up

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom... I was awaken from my nap. "What are you doing?" I shouted.

"I'm trying to shut the front door," she explained.

"By slamming it again and again?" I shouted as I arose from my recliner.

"Well it won't shut!" she shouted.

"Sounds like it shuts to me," I grumbled as I came up the hall.

"Well it won't stay shut," she complains.

"And you can fix that by slamming it?" I asked. Let me look at it.

Doors require constant maintenance in my home because certain people simply don't have a good grasp of the workings of hinges, latches, bolts, door jams, door frames, and how the actions of people effect them with the biggest problem being the perceived need to apply extra force when things don't work as expected. In this particular instance the culprit was a small stone that had been tracked in on someone's shoe, gotten caught by the door sweep, then wedged betw…