Apr 28, 2019

Capitalist Chickens

I remain a firm believer in capitalism. But having raised chickens I can honestly attest that left to their own devices and given opportunity those backyard chickens we so love would peck our eyes out. Capitalism is no different.

And no one is suggesting we eradicate chickens from the face of the Earth.

Apr 24, 2019

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Exciting Conclusion

Continued from Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1

"So you're telling me," President Jane Watson asked, "that for 2 years the United States Military has been working with world religious leaders behind my back to change what people believe about God?"

"Actually this goes back decades," General Iverson explained.

"Decades!" the President shouted, "Decades!"

"We were hoping to prevent all the damage from happening," the General explained.

"But Doctor Roberts just started talking about this 2 years ago," the President questioned.

"Yes Ma'am," the General answered, "but he started researching it 40 years ago."

"I knew somebody was spying on me," Doctor Roberts exclaimed. "And everyone said I was just being paranoid."

"Sorry about that," General Iverson added, "national security."

"Oh, no problem," Dr Roberts laughed. "Guess I should be glad you weren't Russians."

"Actually the Russians were spying on you too," the General added. "We figured if we let them think they were getting away with it then they would take your work seriously."

"Did they?" the President asked.

"Oh very much so," General Iverson answered. "Putin himself was on his way to board a plane to come meet you when Moscow disappeared. Now we don't know where he's at."

Suddenly everything started shaking. "It's happening again!" Dr Roberts shouted. Seconds later they were looking out of the windows of the Oval Office and gazing upon the city of Washington, DC.

"Is everything back to normal?" the President asked. "Please tell me everything is back to normal."

"Well almost," General Iverson explained as he talked with someone on his phone.

"What do you mean?' asked the President.

"Well," the General answered, "according to NASA, Washington, Moscow, Tokyo, Berlin, Beijing, London, Paris, and several other nations' capitols are now located on Mars."

"We're on Mars!" President Watson exclaimed.

"Guess there is a new world order," Dr Robertson laughed.

Apr 23, 2019

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 9

Continued from Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1

"Planets switching their orbits, tidal waves, what's next," President Watson exclaimed, "entire cities disappearing?"

"That's already happening," General Iverson answered, "The most recent photos from our spy satellites confirm that Tokyo, Beijing, and Moscow are no longer on the planet."

"Oh Baby God," Doctor Roberts exclaimed, "where are they?"

"No one knows," the General answered. "They just disappeared."

"So what can we do?" the President asked.

"We must contact all the world's leaders and most importantly all the world's religious leaders from every religion and convince them to stop praying to God and start praying to Baby God to end his temper tantrum," Doctor Roberts answered.

"Already on it, Madam President," the General stated. "The Joint Chiefs have been in discussion with world religious leaders since Dr Robert's book was published two years ago."

"So the Military believed me?" Dr Roberts asked. "Then why'd you let them lock me up?"

"The Military doesn't run the country," General Iverson replied, "but we're working on it."

"Working on what?" the President asked.

"Fixing the problem, Madam President," General Iverson grinned as the President looked on with suspicion.

Please continue reading Universe In A Baby's Brain: Exciting Conclusion

Apr 19, 2019

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 8

Continued from Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1


"This all seems absurd," President Jane Watson complained. "Scientists have been telling us for years that gods are something people just dreamed up and now scientists are saying we're supposed to believe in this Baby God. You've got to be kidding me."

"But gods are something people dream up," Doctor Roberts explained, "but just because they're dreamed up doesn't mean they're not real. Some dreams are made manifest by those who dream them. Other dreams are made manifest by those who follow. When it comes to making a god we have to have both the dreamers and the followers."


"But what happened to the last god?" the President asked.

"Humanity made God something he isn't," the Professor answered.

"We can do that?" the President asked.

"Sure," Dr Roberts replied, "if we can dream a god into existence then how hard must it be to change a god? All it takes is enough people expecting God to be someone or something else and given enough time God transforms just as humanity expected him to."

"And we can't change him back?" the President asked.

"Not after a new god has assumed power," Roberts explained.

"Of all the times to become the first woman President of the United States and the whole universe goes to hell," the President shouted. "Could it get any worse?"

Suddenly the entire White House started shaking. Seconds later President Jane Watson looked out her window in the Oval Office to see the Great Sphinx, and the City of Giza in Egypt. "Guess I shouldn't have asked," she said.

"It's even worse," General Iverson added. "NASA is reporting that Jupiter and Venus have switched their orbits. We can expect giant tidal waves and other anomalies when Jupiter passes closest in its new orbit."

Please continue reading Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 9

Apr 18, 2019

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 7

Continued from Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1

"To put it in the most simple of terms," Doctor Roberts explained, "gods only exist when enough people believe in them and the universe only exists in the minds of gods."

"Go ahead," the President instructed, her skepticism still obvious.

"Many years ago," the Doctor continued, "most people believed in lots of different gods, Polytheism..." He paused. "but when Monotheism became the norm those other gods retired."

"You mean they didn't die?" the President asked.

"Oh no," Doctor Roberts explained, "once a god reaches maturity and enough people believe in a god that god will never die."

"So," the President asked, "you're saying our God has retired to eternity and left us with this Baby God? Does that about sum it up?"

"Yes Ma'am," the Professor replied, "that's exactly what happened."

"So what's the problem?" President Jane Watson asked, still not sure if she should believe him.

"The problem," Dr Roberts replied, "is that too few people believe in Baby God for him to grow into maturity. Baby gods need to be nurtured, loved, and cared for just like other babies and our Baby God isn't getting enough care."

Please continue reading Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 8

Apr 17, 2019

Packrats

I came home from work one day to discover a lump in my couch where no lump had been before. I raised the cushion to find a pocket calculator, an earring, several cheap rings, a watch without a band, some ink pens, polished rocks, a bottle cap, and other odds and ends.

And none of them were mine.

Then I noticed a newly chewed hole in the back of my couch.

The mouse or pack rat brought me all sorts of gifts for months leaving me to wonder, is he taking stuff from me and what is he taking?

For reasons completely unknown to me this story was banned from Facebook along with a few more I have written.

Is That Your Porsche In The Parking Lot?

I was having a few beers in a bar on US 29 just north of Greensboro, North Carolina some years back when this drunk stumbled in the front door and started asking everyone inside, "Is that your Porsche in the parking lot? I ran into somebody's Porsche and I need to tell them I hit it."

Well at least he's honest, I thought as I replied, "Are you sure it's a Porsche? Ain't nobody here can afford a Porsche."

"Yea it's a Porsche," he said as he went on to ask the next guy, "Don't you think I know what a Porsche is?"

Finally, after he had annoyed everyone in the bar to no end, several people walked outside to see what the drunk was talking about. Seems he had driven his car into the front porch of the bar.

Apr 16, 2019

The End To Another Perfect Day

"Wow, that looks like fun," she shouts as hundreds of maple helicopters rain down on her but as soon as she takes a bite she spits it out shouting, "Yuck, that's no good!" And being the seeds then just lie on the ground doing nothing she quickly loses interest.

A boy rides down the street on a red bicycle, a huge smile on his face. That looks very dangerous, she thinks, I'd best not get too close to him and his machine.

A small bird lights on a limb nearby. This could be fun. She's excited. But as soon as the bird spots her it flies away as quickly as it came, "I hate it when they do that," she complains.

Next a brightly colored butterfly comes bouncing through the air, a temptation too great to resist. She jumps high into the air grabbing the brightly colored insect in her mouth then spitting it out shouting, "Ow, that's the grossest thing yet! How come nobody ever told me?"

And with that she sat down, looked around and sighed, "Might as well go roll around in the catnip. The end to another perfect day."

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 6

Continued from Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1


"So Doctor Roberts," President Jane Watson asked, seated across a table from him, "you're telling us that this Baby God is causing all these supernatural disasters to take place all over the world?"

"Wow, is this free range coffee?" Doctor Roberts asked. "They wouldn't let us have real coffee inside the luny bin at Georgetown. What brand is it?"

"I'll get someone from my staff to find out before you leave," the President answered lifting a silver cover from a bowl between them. "Perhaps you'd enjoy some of these fair trade eggs while you explain how Baby God is causing all this."

"Is that jelly MSG free?" Doctor Roberts asked. "I'm sure Baby God wouldn't want us eating jelly with MSG in it."

"I'm sure it is," the President answered. "Now about what is going on?"

"Well," Dr Roberts explained between bites, "being only two years old and far from mature, Baby God is still developing mentally and emotionally. He has all the knowledge of the universe, all the knowledge of time and space, but he's having a hard time keeping it all organized."

"How do you know this Baby God is a boy?"President Jane Watson asked, seemingly upset with what she was hearing.

"Oh that's easy," Dr Roberts explained, "girls are much better organized."

"So how is it," the President asked, still unsure of the Doctor's sanity, "that this new god came to exist? Don't gods live forever?"


Please continue reading Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 7

Apr 15, 2019

A Murder Of Crows

At least I think they were crows. They were big and night have been ravens, I'm never sure.

Anyway, this afternoon when I finally got my brother's lawnmower running and started mowing my front yard for the first time this year (Yes, it's April 15 and the weeds were knee high, the mowers were all broken.) I noticed a murder of crows beginning to alight on a telephone wire across the street.

For those who might not know, a flock of crows is correctly called a murder of crows. It goes back to the Middle Ages, somewhere in England and even the English admit it makes no sense.

Now a lot of people get superstitious about groups of crows and ravens but I'm not one of them. I enjoy watching them and see them for what they are-- very intelligent birds. I often watch as they take pecans from my tree, drop them in the street, then return to eat them after the cars have crushed the shells beneath the tires. Just the other day I chased away two smaller birds who were harassing a crow that was perched upon my windmill. After doing so he flew to within a few feet of me and squawked  at me while I talked to him as if we were the best of friends. He flew away but then came back a few minutes later and we repeated the conversation, me talking and him squawking.

But I'm getting away from what happened today.

Like I said, lot of people get superstitious about crows but I figured they were just lining up waiting for me to leave so they could then more easily search my yard for things to eat. I've seen birds do that, you know.

When I finished mowing the front yard I shut the mower down and started pushing it to the back yard but just as I turned the corner someone shouted, "Hey you!"

I turned around and didn't see anyone so I again started towards the back. "Hey you with the lawnmower!" someone shouted as I turned to see no one but the crows on the wire across the street. "Yea you," one of the crows shouted. "Come here, I need to talk to you."

Now folks, it isn't every day that a crow talks to you in a language you can understand, and while a few crows have been trained to talk it's not like you see them out in the wild. If that crow wanted to talk with me I was going to hear him out. Just as I walked up to him he asked, "How far?"

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"How far?" he asked again. "How far would you have been if I hadn't called you back over here?"

And with that the entire murder of crows started laughing so hard they started falling from the wire. As the laughter died down and they started flying away I heard one of them shout, "He was the best one yet! I get the next one."

"But it's my turn!" another of the crows shouted as they all flew away.

Don't murder those crows, folks. They're just having a little fun with their new found talents. Who knows what they'll come up with next.

What's The Point?

Innovation unseen, un-shared, and unnoticed benefits no one. So why continue to innovate?

Apr 14, 2019

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 5

Continued from Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1


 President Jane Watson was seated at her desk in the Oval Office when General Iverson entered the room accompanied by Secret Service officers and 2 Marines carrying a very groggy man into the office with them. "Madan President," the General said, "meet Dr Paul Roberts." Doctor Roberts only stared as if he wasn't fully aware of what was going on.

"What's wrong with him?" the President asked.

"He was given a very strong sedative," the General answered.

"Why?" she asked.

"It seems," Iverson replied, "the doctor displayed a very irrational fear of flying so the Russians treated him to a temporary, if unwelcome fix."

"Well sometimes you've got to love that Russian attitude," President Watson laughed, "Put him on the couch. Had we transported him by sea it would have taken days to get him here."

"We've already given him drugs to bring him back," the General said. "All we can do now is wait."

"Wow!" Dr Roberts shouted as he looked around the room, "These Russian hospitals are a lot nicer than I thought they'd be. This place makes Georgetown look like a dump!"

"And wait we will," President Watson sighed. "Wait, we will."

Please continue reading Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 6

Apr 10, 2019

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 4

Continued from Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1


"So where is Dr Roberts," President Watson asked.

"He's in the mental ward at Georgetown," General Iverson answered.

"Well why haven't you got him here already?" the President shouted, "Georgetown is right here in DC!"

"Not anymore," the Director of Health and Human Services informed her.

"Don't tell me..."

"Moscow," General Iverson interrupted.

"I told you not to tell me," the President mumbled.

"Yes Ma'am," the General softly answered.

"Will the Russians let us have him back?" the President asked.

"They've already loaded him in the back seat of a MiG-35 and are flying him here as fast as they can," General Iverson answered.

"Well just make sure nobody shoots them down," the President ordered.

"Yes Ma'am."

"It's yes Madam President!" President Jane Watson commanded.


Please continue reading Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 5

Apr 8, 2019

Definition Of Political Experience

Political Experience is the acquired or sometimes innate ability to receive unethical campaign contributions from unscrupulous doners, explain it away to supporters as a necessary evil, get them to believe you, and pass laws that are not in the best interest of voters or the communities in which they live. All while being able to maintain a sexually deviate and quite often addicted lifestyle in the eyes of the public.


The Wackemall Dictionary is a free online service of  Wackemall Media, Mining, Manufacturing, Farming & Transportation... Wackemall.com

Apr 7, 2019

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 3

Continued from Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1


On the forth day of the crisis President Jane Watson and her staff again gathered in the White House Situation Room. "Has anyone seen the Washington Monument?" President Watson asked.

"It's in Mexico City," the Secretary of Foreign Relations answered. "Worse than that, the Great Pyramid is now in Israel and every one of the Muslim nations are threatening to wipe Israel off the face off the Earth if it isn't returned immediately."

"If they all attack," the President said," then Israel will use nukes."

"Correct," the Secretary agreed, "and Pakistan will use their nukes."

"Then India fires on Pakistan," the President continued, "and before you know it all of us are shooting nukes at each other. Things are disappearing and reappearing all over the world, the Great Wall of China is on the Texas-- Oklahoma border for God's sake! Is there no one who knows anything about what is going on?"

"Well there appears to be one person," General Iverson answered.

"Well who is it?" the President shouted. "Spit it out, General!"

"Dr Paul Roberts," the General quietly answered as everyone in the room stared in disbelief.

The entire room was silent for what seemed like an eternity to those where were there. Then finally the President asked, "You mean the quack in the loony bin? That Dr Paul Roberts?"

"Yes, Madam President." the General answered.


Please continue reading Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 4

Don't Be Deceived

There's feel good green and then there's real good green.





 

Apr 5, 2019

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 2

Continued from Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1


President Jane Watson and her husband were sound asleep in the Lincoln Bedroom when what seemed to be the rumbling of a small earthquake startled both of them from their slumber. "What is that?" President Watson asked.

"I don't know," her husband answered as he walked to the window and opened the drapes, "but I think you better take a look at this."

"Mount Rushmore!" she exclaimed as she looked across Constitution Avenue to see the stone faces of Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Roosevelt staring back at her from where President's Park South had been just a few hours earlier. "Tell me it's not real."

Minutes later as staff members, the Joint Chiefs, Cabinet Secretaries and others began gathering in the White House Situation Room the President asked, "What do we know so far?"

"Well it's not a hallucination or some kind of hologram," General Iverson answered.

"So you're saying it really is Mount Rushmore?" President Watson asked.

"Madam President," Interior Secretary Jordan Rice interjected, "I'm on the phone with the head of the National Park Service and he is telling me that Mount Rushmore has disappeared, the whole thing."

"Tell him not to worry," the President said, "we've already found it. Has anything else suddenly been moved?"

"The Great Salt Lake in Utah is now in Nashville, Tennessee," General Iverson explained.

"And where's Nashville?" the President asked.

"We presume it's under the lake," the General replied.

Please continue reading Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 3


Apr 4, 2019

The Times, They Are A Changing

When you finally get it worked out please do us the favor of informing everyone of what the rules are.

Apr 3, 2019

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1

Dr Paul Roberts was world renown for his work in physics, electronics, biology, chemistry, astrology, mathematics, and more. Having won multiple Nobel Prizes and awards, beaten all the greatest computers in the world at playing chess, and being world champion of several of the most difficult video games ever designed there was little doubt that his genius had exceeded even that of Steven Hawking, Albert Einstein, William James Sidis, Christopher Langan, and a host of others who had all been at one time or another, declared the smartest man in the world.

That was, until the day Dr Paul Roberts made public his belief that the entire universe as we know it, exists only in the brain of a 2 year old baby.

And to make matters worse Dr Roberts declared that the baby is dying and that if a cure cannot be found and administered in time the entire Universe and everything in it will die with the baby.

Dr Roberts was immediately branded insane, made the butt of late night TV skits, and very quickly locked away in the best psychiatric hospital money could buy. Even the President addressed the nation calling it an enormous loss and promised the full support of government to try to find a cure for the doctor's apparent breakdown.

But the predictions made by Dr Roberts would go neither unremembered nor unnoticed.

Continue reading Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 2

Billy's Big List Of Necessary Evils

I'm like most folks in that I wish we lived in a perfect world but the fact is we don't live in a perfect world, never will live in a perfect world, and are probably the farthermost from living in a perfect world than has ever been since the first humans came into existence. And being a bit of a jaded old retiree I don't see things getting much better any time soon.

Necessary evils are just that, necessary because the society we live in makes it impossible for our current society and government to function without them. And evil because someone is always hurt by them. Some are evil to some segments of society and necessary to other segments. And some only exist in some places but should perhaps be forced on everyone as a means to level the playing field.

Abortion

Affirmative Action

Air Travel


Automobiles

Black market underground economies


Capitalism

Electoral College

Employment


Free College Education

Government Health Care

Genocide

Heartbreak, disappointment, and loss

Incentives

Mass Transit

Oil


Politicians

Pollution


Public Schools

Religion

Socialism

Taxes


War

Welfare



To be continued....


Now that's not to say that we must forever live with all of these evils but the time has come to recognize that simply legislating something out of existence will not eliminate the root cause for its existence and need. Others, like Taxes, will always be necessary, but it is possible to apply taxation and some other necessary evils more fairly.


But until if and when our society matures, and until if and when better solutions are found we must live with these and other necessary evils, like it or not. For to simply abolish these things without eliminating the root causes will only make this list grow bigger and more horrible.



Apr 1, 2019

I Can't Keep Up

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom... I was awaken from my nap. "What are you doing?" I shouted.

"I'm trying to shut the front door," she explained.

"By slamming it again and again?" I shouted as I arose from my recliner.

"Well it won't shut!" she shouted.

"Sounds like it shuts to me," I grumbled as I came up the hall.

"Well it won't stay shut," she complains.

"And you can fix that by slamming it?" I asked. Let me look at it.

Doors require constant maintenance in my home because certain people simply don't have a good grasp of the workings of hinges, latches, bolts, door jams, door frames, and how the actions of people effect them with the biggest problem being the perceived need to apply extra force when things don't work as expected. In this particular instance the culprit was a small stone that had been tracked in on someone's shoe, gotten caught by the door sweep, then wedged between the door and the frame. Repeated attempts to slam the door shut had knocked the door frame out of place so that even after I removed the stone the door still would not latch.

The house has heavy, solid wood doors, even stronger than most steel doors. I installed them myself. Each door is so heavy 2 men are required to lift it. When you slam them the door frame gets hit with the full weight of the door-- a mighty blow even if the person doing the slamming is relatively weak. She keeps insisting that the weatherstripping was installed too tightly but the door worked fine before she started slamming it.

That was last week. Today she is complaining that despite repeated slamming the back door will not latch.

I can't keep up.