Dec 26, 2018

Poppy Seeds

Speaking of poppy seeds...

Some years ago I injured my back while doing local deliveries so my employer sent me to the doctor. He gave me a muscle relaxer to take at night to help me sleep but failed to inform me that one of the side effects might be that I would be extremely angry as the effects wore off.

So I take the muscle relaxer for a few nights my back hurting like hell all day and come in one morning pissed to no end and start yelling right in the face of the biggest guy in the entire place. I'm 5'8" 200 lbs, he's 6'6" 300 lbs-- he ran for his life screaming.

So the boss tells me that when I finish my route I should go to the doctor's office and take a drug test. I look at him and say, "Okay, I'll eat a whole pack of poppy seed rolls for lunch and test positive for opiates so I can get some time off."

"If you do that I'll have to fire you," he said, "Company policy."

"Whatever you say," I said as I walked to my truck to start my route.

At lunch that day I ate 2 packs of poppy seed rolls just to make sure I tested positive for opiates then went to take my drug test at the end of the day. When I got there the doctor explained that my anger was a side effect of the muscle relaxer but gave me the drug test as instructed.

And I tested positive for opiates.

When the results came back the boss said, "Billy, I'm going to have to fire you."

"What for?" I grinned, the other drivers all listening in.

"You failed your drug test," he answered.

"You can't fire me for that," I said.

"I can't?" he laughed. "Why not?"

 I explained. "Company policy is only for the rest of you. When it comes to CDL truck drivers you have to follow Federal regulations."

"And what do the Federal Regulations say?' he asked smugly.

"You have to retest me in 2 weeks and if I pass you put me back to work and pay me my back pay," I answered as I handed him a copy of the little green book all drivers are required to learn.

I warned him. Two weeks later I collected my back pay and went back to work.

I don't feel bad about it, I needed the break and 25 years later my back still hurts.