Posts

Showing posts from December, 2018

Roaring On Your Way Out

I'm sure the Dinosaurs roared loudly as they became extinct.

How To Unlock Cars Using A Slim Jim

One of my many trucking related jobs was operating a tow truck. I actually got the job because I was licensed to operate and tow big trucks but most of our work involved cars.

I got a call to unlock a car late one night. When I got there 5 or 6 people were with the car and all were falling down drunk. While I was fishing inside the driver's door with my Slim Jim, one of his friends knocked the passenger window out with a brick, reached over and unlocked the driver's door. They all started shouting about how happy they were that I got the door open. I quickly got paid and got the hell out of there.

The driver was still thanking me as I sped away.

When dealing with drunks you don't already know, you never know if you are going to make new friends or have to fight them off with a tire iron. I've done both but always preferred speeding away.

Poppy Seeds

Speaking of poppy seeds...

Some years ago I injured my back while doing local deliveries so my employer sent me to the doctor. He gave me a muscle relaxer to take at night to help me sleep but failed to inform me that one of the side effects might be that I would be extremely angry as the effects wore off.

So I take the muscle relaxer for a few nights my back hurting like hell all day and come in one morning pissed to no end and start yelling right in the face of the biggest guy in the entire place. I'm 5'8" 200 lbs, he's 6'6" 300 lbs-- he ran for his life screaming.

So the boss tells me that when I finish my route I should go to the doctor's office and take a drug test. I look at him and say, "Okay, I'll eat a whole pack of poppy seed rolls for lunch and test positive for opiates so I can get some time off."

"If you do that I'll have to fire you," he said, "Company policy."

"Whatever you say," I said as I walk…

Buy Organic

Remember: Poison Ivy is 100% organic.

Umoja, Kujichagulia, Ujima, Ujamaa, Nia, Kuumba, Imani

Kwanzaa
Red, black and green but we don't have no tree, and white folks don't get it;
first fruits, roots and free. And Nguzo Saba, our philosophy, as we light the candles of our identities.

Kwanzaa isn't a religious holiday but a celebration of life and and an affirmation of the seven principles of Kwanzaa, or Nguzo Saba (originally Nguzu Saba—the seven principles of African Heritage) as stated by the founder of Kwanzaa, Maulana Karenga.
And being that Kwanzaa runs from December 26 until Janurary 1 it seems perfect for the Holidaze. 

Why We Must Build The Wall

Brick and mortar simply reinforces the division. Increases the hate and the false sense of security as one side can no longer see or understand the storm brewing on the other side.

But most would rather be victimized and encroached upon by the politicians they vote for and the corporations those politicians represent than by refugees who come to us seeking our help. The self-fulfilling prophecy cries out to build the wall. We have no choice.

Developers will tout the safety of living with your backs to the wall, communities will be built there as never before with incentives footing the bill. And the people living in the gated communities along the wall will enjoy the river that was once shared with the other side now left impoverished and dry as the waters are diverted for use only by the rich. Manifest Destiny has deemed it so.

And what was once poor refugees will then be courted and given aid by our enemies as an army is amassed, armed, and trained on lands outside of our cont…

A Life’s Ambition Fulfilled

It was really cold when I went out before dawn yesterday morning. Of course it’s usually cold this time of year but as I lead Ringo, Larry, Gore, Dolly, Honey, Gumball, Pooter, and Thor from their assigned quarters to the staging area it seemed as if it was even colder than usual. I was really glad I was wearing the new high tech winter uniform, boots, and gloves as they’re no doubt the warmest available anywhere.

To say I was nervous would be an understatement. This is the day I’d waited my entire life to live, the day my team and I had trained for what seemed like a hundred years or more. If all went well and everyone did their jobs then the world would love us for eternity but a few mistakes would leave us forever in shame, afraid to show our faces in public or to face the families we’d all left behind so many years ago when each of us volunteered for this, the most secretive of missions.

As the team assembled in formation I turned to see the big guy walking out of hi…

Christmas, Stuck On Red

Santa's stuck at a traffic light.
The darn thing's stuck on red.
We can see him there, just down the street,
his red cap on his head,
his reindeer pawing at the street
a waitin' just to go.
Come on, Santa, run that light!
Santa just says, "Ho, ho ho."

Someone called the police,
tole 'em,"Santa's on his way."
The police, they could only laugh,
said, "Of course, it's Christmas Day."
But the police didn't understand
Santa's stuck there at that light
waiting for it to go green
just like he's done all night.

The children, they're all crying now,
waiting for Saint Nick to come,
shouting, "Come on Santa, run that light,
this waiting's just not fun."
But Santa, he'll not run that light,
Santa, he'll not break the law.
Santa's stuck there at a traffic light
that hasn't changed since Fall.

The street is lined with traffic now
and the horns begin to blow.
People shout, "Get on your way, old m…

Soldiers On Christmas Eve

By dark of night the soldiers came.
So quickly it began.
So stealthily they made their way
to carry out their plan.
And when each one had took his place
as each had been assigned,
they waited ever ready
to execute commands.

They totaled thousands, maybe more,
and many more stood by.
“Their enemy is surely doomed,”
the witnesses did cry.
And though we knew not why they came,
we’ll remember oh so long,
these soldiers who invaded us
and then were quickly gone.

And when their orders came to them
the night of Christmas Eve,
we watched in silence, wondering,
and thought what will it be.
They carried with them, presents
for every child in need
and gave the gift of love
to all who will believe.

Merry Christmas to children and soldiers everywhere.

Merry Christmas, Daddy

My daddy was always a big kid when it comes to Christmas. He couldn’t wait for Christmas Day to arrive. I’ve long suspected that if Christmas Day was on December 26th, instead of the 25th, he might just keel over from the pain of waiting just one more day. I just don’t think his heart could of handled it.

Daddy did all the things children do when the presents start appearing under the tree in the weeks before Christmas. On more than one occasion my brothers and I caught him secretly unwrapping the presents with his name on them, and try as he might he could never re-wrap them in such a way that Momma wouldn’t find out. She even knew he was lying when he tried to blame us boys for unwrapping the presents.

There were several years when we wrapped the presents and numbered them instead of writing names on the tags so that he wouldn’t know which presents were his. Momma kept the list hidden safely away inside her head so that Daddy wouldn’t get his hands on it and figure out…

The Festivus Pole

We all stand around the Festivus Pole,
no candy, no cookies, no stockings with coal.
It's shiny and pretty but no blinking lights
as we all air our grievances and get into fights
but when it's all over we'll still have our soles
as we eat Ben & Jerry's from boxes and bowls.

"Festivus for the rest of us" but we only get poles?

Ol’ Saint Chopper Claus

Ol’ Saint Nick bought a chopper.
He rides it through the air.
The reindeer, yeah they’re all real pissed,
and they don’t think it’s fair.
With presents in the sidecar
he blasts across the sky,
drag-pipes roaring through the night
to keep ol’ Santa high.

With real chrome pipes,
fat bob tanks, ape hangers, and fins,
Saint Nick’s got a custom scoot
fine as there’s ever been.
And when he cranks the throttle,
Dude, you oughta hear it roar!
An’ that ol’ dude, he really rides,
and always at full bore!

Miss. Claus, she claims male menopause
has gotten to the man,
and says by Christmas Eve
he’ll have all he can stand,
but Saint Nick’s at a biker bar
gettin’ all the chics
while the elves, they guard his chopper
threatening all who pass with bricks!

Yeah, Saint Nick, he’s a biker now.
He’s headin’ up the gang
sayin’ “Ho, ho, ho, I live to ride
and go out with a bang!”
The elves, they all ride mini-bikes
while Santa leads the way
with presents in his sidecar
to deliver Christmas Day.

With real ch…

Santa Don’t Wear Lipstick

I told her I was going out;
just me and all the boys.
Might do a little shopping,
maybe buy the kids some toys.
I said, “We’ll see ol’ Santa,
be in before too late.”
I guess I should have shopped alone.
I made a big mistake.

I didn’t mean to do it.
It wasn’t all that great.
My buddies said, “Let’s down a few.
Man, you need a break.”
So I went down to the juke joint,
down at the local bar,
but early the next morning,
my wife, she used the car.

And she said,

“Ol’ Santa don’t wear lipstick
and reindeer don’t wear pumps,
and neither wears a garter
or thongs around their rumps.
So Buddy, don’t you tell me,
and Buddy, don’t you lie
‘cause I’m about to kick your butt
an’ kiss your Christmas bye!”

It was right there in the back seat,
the presents, she had found,
but a thong and just one pump’s
not enough to go around.
An’ when she saw the lipstick
on my collar and my face,
was nothin’ I could do
except to hide my face.

“And where are all my presents?”
my baby said to me,
“A garter and a singl…

Canned 'Possum

Image
I went out shopping for last minute stocking
 stuffers and Christmas presents today only to
come home and discover this canned possum hiding in the recycling bin on my back porch. It's not unusual for animals to check out the recycling but this little guy actually walked right through a bowl of fresh cat food  to get into the recycling can.

I donno, maybe he has an arrangement with my cat. I decided to wish him Happy Holidaze and let him be.

I’m An Accessory

(The Day After Christmas)

There's reindeer poop in my front yard,
an' sled marks tell his track;
ol' Santa's headed for the pole,
an' he ain't comin' back.
The police, they're a lookin'.
Seems Santa's jumped his bail.
And if they ever catch him
they'll throw his butt in jail.

I met ol' Santa at the mall.
He said, Let's down a few.
That he was gonna hit a liquor store
was something I never knew.
An' so it is I'm hidin' out,
the police lookin' for me.
It was Rudolph kicked the front door in
an' I'm an accessory!

So Santa, he's a fugitive,
an me, I'm on the lam.
There's no one to look out for me,
an' I ain't got no plan.
Do you think they'd believe me.
Do you think they would be hard
if I told 'em I don't know a thing
'bout the poop in my front yard.

I should'a been knowin' better
than to run 'round with those elves
who come to town but once a year
to blow off steam…

Christmas In Nashville

Drinkin’ sour mash from Santa’s head,
relax, put my guitar to bed,
the Christmas lights, they’re turning red
and hanging in the street.

Park the truck, let’s take the test,
give rational thought its needed rest.
It’s then I’m at my very best.
And get off of my feet.

A superstar, yeah, some folks say,
but I can’t stand it one more day.
Come tomorrow, all will be okay.
It’s a taste that can’t be beat.

So pour a tall one just for me.
It’s Christmas time in Tennessee
and no one cares where I may be,
so now I’ll take my seat.

For all my friends out there in Nashville who are just now finding out it’s just as hard there as it was back home. I think you’ll all know what I mean.

Holidaze Again?

Holidaze again? Who came up with that bright idea? I haven't gotten over the last holidaze--house full of people, most I don't know. Though all are somehow related. Children, puppies, cats and my poor rooster so confused with all these strange creatures in his tiny barnyard. Sorry, I know how you feel, Mr Green Jeans, but your incessant crowing and drumming of wings isn't helping just now.

Who thought it was a great idea to bring dogs and cats? Why is that cat on the table and who put that puppy in with my laying hens? Poor things might not lay for months, scared as they are.

Did I lock up my guns? What if the kids get a hold of one? They're not my kids, why do I have to worry about them? If that kid doesn't stop crying and wailing I might shoot him myself-- put both of us out of our misery.

Of course we're just tired. We've been working for days. First everything had to be cleaned up for the guests-- now we have to clean up after the guests. …

Santa Got Run Over By A Reindeer

Santa got run over by a reindeer
when he came to our house Christmas eve.
Some folks say they don't believe in Santa.
If that's the case then I guess they'll not grieve.

The air was cold, it was a blizzard.
The FAA. had closed the skies.
While most folks were stuck in airports,
Santa hitched the reindeer up to fly.

Mrs. Clause, she tried to warn him.
Said, Christmas could come one day late.
Santa scoffed, and said, "No way, Dear.
Come on Rudolph, let's not hesitate!"

Santa got run over by a reindeer
when he came to our house Christmas eve.
Some folks say they don't believe in Santa.
If that's the case then I guess they'll not grieve.

It was early in the evening
cause our house is his first stop;
on the roof there was a clatter
of reindeer hoofs a goin' clop de clop.

Rudolph's nose was shining brightly,
doing well to light the way.
Had we known just what was happening
then we could a helped him with his sleigh.

Santa got run over by a reind…

Presents For Lori

Stockings hang from the mantel;
I’m trying to dry my socks.
That tree blocking my window--
yeah, I bought it in a box.
The presents there beneath it--
yeah, I bought them all
an’ wrapped ‘em all in newsprint
I found at the mall.

(Gift wrap is expensive, you know.)

There’s presents for Cindy,
presents for Sue,
presents for Lori.
Oh yeah, she got two.
Presents for Mandy;
they’re gone and I’m blue.
And presents for girls
whose names I once knew.

Each year I go shopping,
buy the sweetest things
to give to the girl
who makes my heart sing,
but each year they dump me,
alone, and so blue.
But what about their presents;
what am I to do?

There’s presents for Cindy,
presents for Sue,
presents for Lori.
Oh yeah, she got two.
Presents for Mandy;
they’re gone and I’m blue.
And presents for girls
whose names I once knew.

I went to the mall;
to the package return,
but the lady there laughed
when I said I’d been spurned.
She called me a looser.
Said, I’m probably a creep
so I took back my presents
an…

Christmas Comes Late This Year

Greensboro, NC, This just in: Wackemall Network News has learned that Christmas will be delayed this year while the Greensboro Police Department investigates the most horrific of Holidaze crimes. Police have arrested one suspect who claims...


I was sitting by my Christmas tree
hoping Santa'd soon fly by
when right out front on my front lawn
a present had arrived.
I don't know where it came from
'cause no one would dare to say,
but I never had expected this,
not even on Christmas Day.

Someone pooped on the snowman
there in my own front yard.
I'd like to go and scrape it off
but it's frozen really hard.
I don't think I can stand it
when it thaws it's bound to stink.
Someone pooped on the snowman
and I don't know what to think.

My telephone started ringing,
the neighbors, they complained,
"Are you planning just to leave it there?
You must be quite insane."
Then they called the police
to send them to my house,
wake the kids, scare them all to death…

Jingle Bells And Taco Shells

Jingle Bells and taco shells, Jose` Santa’s on his way
with candy filled pin`atas and goodies on his sleigh.
He’s calling out to Rudolph, “Uno, dos, tres, quatro,
Deer you’ll be too fat to fly if you eat one more taco!”

Jingle Bells and taco shells, Jose` Santa’s on his way
He’s sleigh is filled with presents so we wish that he will stay.
For months and months we’ve waited for Jose` Santa to come here.
Forget warm milk and cookies, serve him burritos and beer!

Jingle bells and taco shells, Jose` Santa’s on his way.
Sure, the dude’s a gringo but we love him anyway.
Manuel, he wants a pick-up cause his donkey always falls.
Margarita wants a boyfriend, says she’s tired of little dolls.

Jingle bells and taco shells, Jose` Santa’s on his way.
He’s coming to the barrio and he’s got something to say,
“I come each year at Christmas, leave you presents, ho, ho, ho,
but the children that I love the most live in the barrio.”

“Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas to the barrio.”

A Christmas Tree For Laura Lee

"Welcome to Basters Flats, Pop. 18"

The sign stood in the center of town as there were only 6 closely spaced houses in the entire town and no one saw the need to put up two signs. Like many small towns, folks in Basters Flats had dreams of making their community grow but Basters Flats had a very unusual problem. You see, Basters Flats was surrounded on 3 sides by a United States Military base with tall chain link fences topped with razor wire that rudely halted the town's expansion.

There was only one road in all of Basters Flats and because the road was a seldom used entrance to the base the gate was almost always padlocked. Twice in the last 15 years the military had moved some very unusual looking trucks through the gate and in both instances Howard Watson-- the lifelong mayor of Basters Flats and owner of 4 of the 6 houses there-- had to bring out his angle grinder and about 300 feet of extension cords to grind the rusted old locks off the gates. With t…

Ice Melt

Someone stole the snowman.
He was there just yesterday.
They stole the snow that surrounded him,
where the children love to play.
There won't be any snowball fights
or angels on snow covered ground,
'cause someone stole the snowman
an' the thief cannot be found.

Buddy, the Dog, And the Christmas Tree

In August of nineteen seventy-seven I married a beautiful young debutante. I was twenty-one, Terry was twenty, or so she said, but she was beautiful. We fought like cats and dogs, usually about money, but sometimes I think she just insisted on getting her way. Usually, she did.

We had been married for about a month when she started acting really weird. When I would get up in the morning she would be all smiles, but by the time I finished getting dressed Terry would be sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor wailing and crying her eyes out while my breakfast went up in smoke. “What’s wrong, Baby?” I always asked. “Don’t worry ‘bout burning my eggs. I like ‘em that way. It’s okay, really it is.” I was trying to be nice. Really, I was.

“I don’t care about the eggs!” she would wail.

“Well, what’s wrong?” I would ask again.

“I don’t know,” was always her reply.

I decided I had married a crazy woman so I went to talk to my daddy about all the strange goings-on at my house. Da…

Party At The Kringles!

There’s a party goin’ on at the Kringles.
Them reindeer really love to rock ‘n roll.
There’s a party goin’ on at the Kringles.
It’s the kinda’ joint most people never know.

They’re always havin’ fun at the Kringles.
Rockin’ Christmas songs most every night and day
‘cause time is drawing near, the elves are drinking beer,
an’ Misses Claus let’s Santa get his way.

You oughta’ hear the band down at the Kringles.
That Rudolph, he’s a rock ‘n rollin’ star.
Antlers pounding on them drums, havin’ lots of fun.
Prancer dances nude while Dancer plays guitar.

There’s a party goin’ on at the Kringles.
Them reindeer really love to rock ‘n roll.
There’s a party goin’ on at the Kringles.
It’s the kinda’ joint most people never know.

There’s lots of pretty girls at the Kringles,
though most are kinda’ short an’ really green,
but they’re happy to see you, and Man, I swear it’s true,
their skirts, the shortest that you’ve seen.

There’s a party goin’ on at the Kringles.
Them reindeer really love to rock…

Maybe Frosty Can Dig You Out

Be Careful What You Wish For
Twelve inches, Twelve inches, was that what you planned? It's still coming down-- all you can stand. They've closed all the schools, the buses can't go just because, you wanted some snow. Your pantry is empty, cupboard is bare; you need to go shopping but no one is there. The stores are all closed, restaurants closed too. I guess you'll be boiling your old leather shoes.
The power's gone out, you can't build a fire so you put on more clothes, pile the covers up higher. You're trapped in your house with no place to go because you thought you wanted some snow.

Six Inches

“Six inches, six inches,”
and she yelled, “I want more!”
as she stomped both her feet
and slammed all the doors.
But it’s only six inches
and I can’t make it grow
so she’ll just have to wait
‘til the clouds make more snow.

Christmas Therapy

Santa Claus is feeling down.
He's stuck in therapy.
His shrink, he says, "Just take a break,
forget the kids, just think of me.
Take off all the time you want.
The kids will still be there.
And about those deer and flying sleigh,
forget that whole affair."

Santa Send Me Someone New

(For Christmas)

Oh Santa send me someone new for Christmas;
someone who laughs at every joke I tell,
someone who’s really sweet,
an’ thinks I’m really neat,
someone who likes to do it ‘til I’m...

Well, Santa send me someone new for Christmas;
someone who things I’m really, really swell,
someone who holds my hand,
an’ really understands,
someone who likes to do it ‘til I’m...

Well, Santa send me someone new for Christmas;
someone I can kiss and always tell,
someone who’s great in bed,
an’ likes to get ahead,
someone who likes to do it ‘til I’m...

Well, Santa send me someone new for Christmas;
someone who’s really glad I’m a male,
someone who thinks I’m cool,
an’ don’t think me a fool,
someone who likes to do it ‘til I’m...

Well, you know what I want, Santa. I’ve been really good...



And so it is, the Holidaze continue here at Wackemall.com with page after page of original holiday poetry, short stories and humor you'll find no where else. Just think of it as my Christmas present to y…

Two Eagles Talking-- Holidaze Edition

Image
This Holidaze edition of Two Eagles Talking, an exclusive of Wackemall.com, is made possible by fat guys wearing red suits. And the cults they represent.




 "Did you know that once a year they stop stealing and robbing from each other and give to one another?"

"Really, when does that happen?"

"Every December, as sure as the sun rises in the east."

"Why do you think they do it? Could it be because they feel guilty about being so mean the rest of the year?"

"I think it's to spur their economy."

"Huh?"

"Well if all they ever did was steal there'd be nothing left to steal so once a year they give so they can keep their economy working." 

"Humans sure have a strange economic system."


Photo credit: Tim Van Horn.

Wind Powered Holidaze?

Image
Alternative Energy Christmas


Santa's stuck in a windmill.
He was flying without lights.
His sleigh and harness all wound up.
They've been that way all night.
The reindeer, they are all worn out
from hanging upside down
and Christmas might not come this year
'less someone cuts them down.




Photo via Steve Sever

Santa Runs A Sweatshop

Ol’ Santa runs a sweatshop,
that’s what the papers say.
He never gives the elves time off,
not even Christmas day.
I read it in the paper.
They told it to be true.
I read it in the New York Times.
Oh what are we to do?

So I turned on the TV.
On came the newest flash.
Ol’ Saint Nick got caught
with loads and loads of cash.
They said they would investigate,
call out the CIA.
There’s agents headed north right now.
They’ll get there late today.

They said he is a mean old man
who forces elves to work.
If one should try to leave,
Rudolph hits them where it hurts.
He’ll kick them with his bony hoofs
or stick them with a horn.
They say that he won’t let them leave
and they have all been warned.

They say they are not paid,
that all the elves are slaves.
He works them morning, noon, and night.
He’ll work them in their graves.
It’s seldom that he feeds them
so they must all eat bugs.
They find them in the work shop
underneath the dirty rugs.

They interviewed the Pope in Rome.
He said they’d brea…

Snow

Snow is like far-away relatives
who visit but every few years--
when they get here, we’re happy to see them.
‘For they leave us we’re in tears.
We cannot wait for them to come--
can’t wait for them to go--
but they’ll be back too soon
just like the fallen snow.

Greensboro Tree Services

Saturday Night Reindeer Fights

Late last night a reindeer fight erupted on my block.
With hoofs and horns they showed their scorn
I thought they'd never stop.

They fought in gangs while elves, they sang
a Christmas melody of silent nights and sweet delights
underneath the Christmas tree.

Then Santa came, "This is a shame that you would fight this way!
What if the little kids find out how you've behaved today?"
"We're Bloods and Crips,: young Rudolph quipped, "I'm calling all the shots!
So shut up Red or you'll be dead." as by his beard he gripped!

'Twas with a bang and then a clang, Rudolph kicked Santa to the ground!
The other reindeer only stared as the elves, they'd soon surround.
Then Santa rose and touched his nose, "That smarts," I heard him say,
"Now go back home where you belong and don't behave this way."

Late last night a reindeer fight erupted on my block.
I don't know how it all worked out but I'm sure glad it stopped.

I…

Happy Hanukkah From Wackemall

Had the Jews thought of incorporating Pagan traditions like trees and Santa Claus into Hanukkah, Judaism would now be the world's largest religion and Hitler would have been killing Christians in concentration camps..

Think about it, Hanukkah, also written as Ḥănukkāh and/or Chanukah and known as the Festival of Lights and the Feast of Dedication is the celebration of the retaking of Jerusalem and re dedication of the Temple by the Maccabean Jews on the 25th day of Kislev-- the first day of  Hanukkah, one of many of the Holidaze various religions celebrate this time of year.

Most Christians celebrate a virgin birth on the 25 day of December-- think about it.

Interestingly enough, many modern day scholars say this was part of a war between the Maccabean Jews who won and the Hellenized Jews who lost control of Jerusalem. These same scholars believe the Hellenistic Jews were among the first to convert to Christianity some 3 to 5 centuries later.

While Christians simply co-opted mos…