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Showing posts from November, 2018

Christmas At Wellbright

"It's a hair."

"It's not a hair, it's soup."

"It's soup with a hair in it."

"It's not a hair."

"Well if it's not a hair then what is it?"

"It's food."

"It's not food, it's a hair."

"Okay so it's a hair. Fish it out and eat your soup."

"I don't want to eat soup with hair in it."

"If you fish it out there won't be any hair in it."

"How do you know that's not the only hair in the soup?"

"There's not any more hair in your soup."

"Oh, so it is a hair."

"It's not a hair, now eat the soup or I'll pour it out and you'll get nothing."

Another normal day at the Wellbright Community Wellness Center. Claude knew she would throw the soup in the garbage hair and all if he didn't eat it as she had made him go to bed without his dinner on several previous occasions. That was Wellbright…

History Of Wackemall: Part 57, William Wickenden, Santa Claus And His Reindeer

As historians everywhere will confirm, Santa Clause, aka Saint Nicholas, didn't always live at the North Pole. As a matter of fact, St Nick was born in  Asia Minor (Greek Anatolia in present-day Turkey) in the Roman Empire, to a Greek family during the third century AD in the city of Patara at a time when the region was Greek.

Originally Santa couldn't fly, didn't use reindeer and didn't travel the entire world delivering presents to good little girls and boys. You see, in the beginning, Santa just passed out presents in and around the port city where he lived.

But in time, as more and more people heard about what old Saint Nick was doing, they wanted presents too. So Saint Nicholas started expanding his route, taking on more and more deliveries every year.

Eventually he had to buy a team of reindeer and a sleigh and rode all over Europe delivering presents to good little girls and boys one night a year. The Dutch knew him as Sinterklaas but when they sailed across the…

Bah Humbug

And Other Christmas Fallacies Put To Rest


Many people complain that Christmas has become too commercialized. To that I can only quote a great writer of Christmas classics, Charles Dickens, when I say, “Bah humbug!” If you think Christmas is too commercial then you must be a scrooge yourself. How can Christmas be too commercial? Yeah, I know the stores start advertising in October, and the songs play on the radio for more than a month, but what real effect does all that commercialization have on Christmas? Christmas is in your heart, right?

Then there are those in our churches who choose to attack Santa Claus saying that the celebration is about the birth of Christ Jesus and not about a fat man delivering bunches of toys to little children, but let me remind you that the celebration of Christmas-- while not always called, Christmas-- has been around longer than the Christian Church. It was the church that decided to take the easy-way-out and celebrate Christmas at the end …

Fruitcake

Fruitcake is as fruitcake does,
sliced off a hollow log,
filled with nuts still in their shells,
not fit to feed my dog.
We buried it out in the yard
just to wait and see
but even after three long years
it tastes the same to me.

And Why Would You Want To?

You can't have your fruitcake and eat it too.

I Guess God Really Does Keep Secrets

Who Are They?

They say, I can't say, Merry Christmas.
Who are they, who so hate these words?
I ask but no one will tell me.
It all seems so very absurd.
So I searched, and searched the world over,
and nowhere were they to be found.
And the ones who tell me what I cannot say
are angry Christians who seem to abound.

Merry Christmas and Happy HoliDAZE!

Tequila Christmas Cake

A holidaze special recipe and guest submission by Paul Resh


Tequila Christmas Cake

1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality Take a large bowl,
check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality. 

Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. 

Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. 

At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK. 

Try another cup just in case. 

Turn off the mixer thingy. 

Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. 

Pick the fruit up off the floor. 

Mix on the turner. 

If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. 

Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity. 

Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. 

Check the tequila. 

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. 

Add one table. 

Add a spoon …

Wall Street Christmas

There's Christmas lights on Cadillacs
parked on dead end streets.
People sleeping in a box,
no shoes upon their feet.
Santa, he'll not come this year,
no he'll not come at all
for the children dream of sugar plums
while sleeping at the mall.
The reindeer scratch for blades of grass
not eaten by the bull,
and eat up all the Christmas trees
'cause the bull is overfull.
The poet dreams of better times
but the poet is a fool
for while Wall Street rigs the almanac
there's Christmas lights on Cadillacs...

Momma's Chocolate Gravy

For many years now it has been tradition for my family to gather on Christmas morning around a large bowl of Momma's Chocolate Gravy-- a recipe that dates back to the 1700s when Dutch-German Quakers brought cocoa with them and began to intermarry with the Welsh and Scotch-Irish who had previously settled in Ashe and Allegheny Counties in North Carolina and Grayson and Wythe Counties in Virginia and other areas near the Grayson Highlands near where North Carolina, Tennessee, and Virginia all meet.

Biscuits and gravy were already a Southern staple when the Dutch-German Quakers moved south from Pennsylvania to North Carolina and Virginia but it was only after leaving the Piedmont regions of both colonies that someone thought to flavor their gravy not with animal fat but with cocoa. And thus the reason I call the four counties, Ashe, Allegheny, Grayson and Wythe, the Chocolate Gravy Bowl.

Here's the recipe as is currently made by my family.

3/4 stick margarine or butter
1/2 cup fl…

Santie Don’t Come Here No More

“Hark, is that a sleigh bell? What about that red light yonder, is that Rudolph’s nose?”

“Naw, can’t ya’ hear that buzzin’? It’s just Lester on patrol again. I sure wish he wouldn’t fly that thing at night.”

“Yeah, especially ‘round Christmas time. Folks be gettin’ their hopes up for nothin’, you know. Somehow it just don’t seem right.”

What you just listened to is a typical conversation from anywhere in Dunger County along about this time of year. You see, folks in Dunger County haven’t had a visit from Santie Claus in nigh on sixty years. Some say more‘n a hundred years, but the unofficial county historian, Gladys Piddle says it’s only been about 60 years. And as there’s no written records of Santie’s last visit, and Gladys is 104 years old, folks figure she might be the only person still living who’s old enough to remember the last time Santie stopped anywhere in Dunger County.

You see, Gladys Piddle was living here back when Dunger County was a part of Dung County and Ger…

Anonymous On Oligarchs

"One of the oligarchs favorite pastimes is deciding who is worthy of their munificence." --Anonymous

Christmas Carols Run Amuck

The following lyrics are from my first book, Carrot On A Stick. I think you'll recognize the tune. Enjoy!

‘Tis The Season

‘Tis the season to be jolly,
fa la la la la, la la la la.
Buy a fifth, get drunk by golly,
fa la la la la, la la la la.
Drink ‘til you are really smashed,
fa la la, fa la la, la la la.
Get into your car and crash,
fa la la la la, la la la la.

Go ahead, act like a fool,
fa la la la la, la la la la.
Tell us all how you’re so cool,
fa la la la la, la la la la.
Stick your finger down your throat,
fa la la, fa la la, la la la.
Make a noise just like a goat,
fa la la la la, la la la la.

Come tomorrow, you won’t remember,
fa la la la la, la la la la.
Is this August or December,
fa la la la la, la la la la.
Oh, what is that on your shirt,
fa la la, fa la la, la la la.
Tell us all how your head hurts,
fa la la la la, la la la la.

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Oh man, I can’t believe I slept through Christmas again!

Merry Christmas, Chester Lott

Chester Lott waited his turn in line at the red dot store and finally when he got to the counter the old man behind the counter asked him for his ID. "I been buying a pint of whiskey in here almost every day for 5 years," Chester complained, "and still you ask me for my ID."

"Law says you supposed to show ID," the old man replied. "Besides, I don't know you."

"Of course you know me," Chester argued, "my name's Chester Lott, says so right there on my ID. Don't you remember? You look at it every day."

"I remember the names of women I plan to fuck," the old man said as he pulled his .44 revolver from under the counter, "and men I need to kill. Do I need to kill you?"

"No Sir," Chester said as he paid for his bottle. "You have a Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you too," said the old man as he looked at the ID, "Chester Lott."

Chester, like so many, was …

Reindeer Tales By Billy Jones

Image
The Reindeer Shoe
by Billy Jones

A single shoe made of steel
hammered by a blacksmith’s hand,
a mystery from whence it came...


ACT 1

“...And I want a Red Ryder Wagon, and a Lionel Electric Train, and a Space Aliens Video game, and a...”

“Whoa,” the department store Santa interrupted seeing the concern on the face of the little boy’s mother, a slim blonde with blue eyes that expressed her every emotion as if she were yelling it to the world. “That’s a whole lot of toys for one little boy. Are you sure you need all those toys right away?”

“Oh, yeah,” Bobby replied while sitting on Santa’s knee. “There’s more...”

“That’s enough, Bobby,” the attractive blonde said as she reached to lift the little boy from Santa’s lap. “We’ve got to keep the line moving so the other kids can talk to Santa too.”

“But Mom...”

“Ho, ho, ho,” Santa laughed. “I’ll see what I can do, Bobby. See you next year.”

“Bye,” Bobby said as the next child in line, a little girl with red hair, freckles, and a green…

Are You Ready To Eat The Big Bird?

Lurkey Gurkey

Lurkey Gurkey, Thanksgiving turkey, oh how he’d gobble ‘bout saying, “I’ll not let them butcher me, I’ll think of a way out.” He refused to eat his turkey feed saying, “I’m gonna stay so slim the farmer, he won’t look at me for fear I’m just too thin.”
And so it was for weeks on end, Lurkey Gurkey, he’d not eat. No matter what was offered him, he’d not taste a treat. So then one day the farmer came, said, “I’m turning this one loose. I’ll fatten up a different bird to be our Christmas Goose.”

Yep, that 22 pound Big Bird is in the oven again this year and on my mind. Can't wait for the Holidaze to begin. Gobble-gobble!

Two Eagles Talking

Image
"You know they say they want to be like us, free to come and go as they please."

"So why aren't they free?"

"All their stuff weighs them down, keeps them stuck where they are."

"So why do they want so much stuff?"

"Because they think stuffing themselves makes them free."

"Try telling that to their Thanksgiving turkeys."

Photo via harry pherson photography.

Holidaze Taders Have Special Powers

Slader Shrader
Slader Shrader, Thanksgiving 'tader,
he rolled from in the bin,
"I'll not be ate by little boys,
my peel to worms and vermin.
I'll not be ate by mean old men,
boiled, mashed and mixed with butter."
But Slader Shrader, Thanksgiving 'tader
just laid on the floor...

and muttered,

"Where do I roll from here?"

Roadkill Turtle Soup Mix

Dead Turtle Blues
Dead turtle on the side of the road,
not a 'possum, not a toad.
Got no matches, got no pot, ain't no way to get it hot.

Flies be buzzin' 'for too long, then the smell be gettin' strong.
All that good meat, goin' to waste, an' I can't even get a taste.

Got no knife, ain't got no fork.
Raw turtle tougher than salt pork.
Got no way to break it's shell, pry it open, cook the tail.

Can't fix any turtle soup, not nary even a single scoop.
So I go hungry while it rots 'an eatin' frozen tader tots.

Flat Water Is Hell

Today I was reminded of a canoe trip I took many years ago on the Fox River in Illinois. That particular stretch was flat water. I had never paddled flat water before having only paddled white water rivers in NC and VA.

I thought, how hard can it be?

Besides, I had this strikingly beautiful young blond with me, my little head was doing the thinking for my big head, and I thought she would be impressed by being able to spend her day lounging in the front of the canoe in her tiny swimsuit while I did all the paddling.

So we only took one paddle along. And of course the wind was blowing upstream faster than the water was flowing downstream.

Hardest canoe trip in the almost 40 years that I paddled canoes.

When we got back to our hotel room I was hurting so badly I wouldn't allow her to touch me despite the fact that she was very much in the mood.

She didn't take my telephone calls after that.

The First Man To Die

When I was 20 years old I was working for a truck leasing company in Greensboro, North Carolina doing oil changes, minor repairs on diesel engines, anything that needed to be done on gasoline engines, and changing truck tires-- the old style with the rings that sometimes blew off and are no longer allowed these days.

One night I went out the the east bound rest area on I-85/40 between Greensboro and Burlington, North Carolina to change a flat tire on a truck leased to one of our customers.

When I got there another guy was already changing a flat tire on another truck not more than 50 feet away. He already had the tire mounted on the truck and was tightening the lug nuts when the ring blew off and decapitated him!

Took his head right off while myself, tourists, and truck drivers watched.

I didn't change the tire I was supposed to change that night. My boss had to send someone else out to do it. As a matter of fact I haven't changed a truck tire since.

According to the article in t…

Drone Attack: Finale

Continued from Drone Attack

He was transported to the nearest emergency room, treated, placed in a full body cast, and moved to long term care while he awaited trial on charges of domestic terrorism, and possession and manufacture of a weapon of mass destruction. Luckily no one had been killed but one of the FBI agents was wounded, two of his neighbors wounded, and hundreds of his homemade rounds found their way into neighbors' homes, cars, and property-- some as many as 3 miles away.

The lawsuits and damages would destroy his wife's inheritance.

Dronalist flew their annoying little machines everywhere they took him. Outside his hospital room window, to court with him, even to the airport when he was sent back to Guantánamo to do his time. Only when he got to Cuba was he free from the infernal machines.

Decades later he looked out of the window of his cell at Guantánamo only to discover first one then more and more drones hovering outside his cell window. "Guards! Guards!,&q…

Drone Attack: Part 9

Continued from Drone Attack

His home had been damaged, cat killed, dog driven mad. There'd been crop circles, obscenities painted on his house, and he and his wife had been branded child molesters. He'd been to jail and been shipped off to Guantánamo. Thanks to the YouTube videos his story had gone viral. Now, despite public appeals by law enforcement not to do so, dozens upon dozens of seedy Dronalist all seeking to get the next big story were buzzing around his house day and night. That included several very hard to detect drones painted black for invisibility at night and sky blue for invisibility in the daytime.

But which one was the drone that had been tormenting him for so long? He decided it didn't matter. "Kill 'em all!" he shouted an old cliché, "Let God sort 'em out!"

And with that he opened fire with his homemade Gatling Gun from the 3rd story of his home!

A few drones went down quickly. Others began to take evasive action. One, pres…

Drone Attack: Part 8

Continued from Drone Attack

His wife used her vast wealth to get him released from  Guantánamo and brought back to the United States where he would receive outpatient therapy and remain under the constant watch of Homeland Security and the FBI who always kept agents parked in front of his house.

Of course that didn't stop the drone from flying around the back of the house never to be seen by the FBI.

To the delight of the homeowners association, all his surveillance equipment, the radar installation, and the 30' diameter satellite dish were removed by government personnel. As the 3rd floor of his home was now empty he started ordering furniture and other items online-- much of it made from metal. Months later he took his wife upstairs to see his very own homemade electric powered Gatling gun. "This will shoot those drones out of the sky," he said, "from right here inside the safety of our own home."

To learn what came of this continue reading Drone Attack: …

Drone Attack: Part 7

Continued from Drone Attack

Now that he had finally discovered that the attacks were being carried out by someone using silent black drones attacking by dark of night it became possible for him to figure out an actual plan of defenses. And while he waited for his wife to return to the country and bail him out of jail he did just that.

Using money left to her by her rich daddy he bought search lights, anti-aircraft guns, and installed a military surplus radar installation on their property.

The first night he turned on the radar, agents from Homeland Security, BATF, and the FBI raided his home and property, and carried him to a Federal Detention Center somewhere in Cuba.

As they drove away from his home, him in handcuffs in the back seat of a black SUV, he turned around to see a black drone following close behind. The entire ordeal had been transmitted live on YouTube.

Stay tuned to Drone Attack: Part 8

Drone Attack: Part 6

Continued from Drone Attack

 No job, no social life, there was nothing left for him to do but protect his wife, seek out whoever it was who was responsible for these attacks, find out how they were being perpetrated, and put an end to it once and for all. While his wife was staying at their vacation home in the Caribbean, afraid to show her face in public, he planned to seek out and destroy their enemy by whatever means necessary.

Or so he thought.

He installed an extensive system of alarms and hidden cameras all over their property incorporating the latest technology. Even satellite technology was employed. Financed by the sale of many of their stocks and bonds, what had previous been their secret orgy room was converted to a surveillance room allowing him to track the entire neighborhood. Despite multiple threats from the homeowners association he refused to remove the 30' diameter satellite receiver from his front yard.

Now even the local perverts thought him weird and stayed f…

Drone Attack: Part 5

Continued from Drone Attack


They were considered pillars of their community. Both had been voted best leaders under 40. They were highly educated, liked by everyone, on all the right boards, popular in all the right circles, known for their huge contributions to popular charities. They were, by all measures a successful couple with but one problem. They couldn't produce offspring of their own.

So after a long and grueling process with the most renown adoption agencies in the country they managed to make arrangements to adopt newborn twins-- a boy and a girl-- to start a family of their own. But as fate would have it, on the day before the babies were to arrive videos of the happy couple having orgies with underage prostitutes appeared on porn websites around the world and the police decided to investigate.

It was discovered the videos had been filmed from just outside the window of a room they had specially equipped just for the sort of orgies seen in the videos, on the 3rd floor…

Memory Cancelling Headphones

Greensboro, NC. As journalism continues to decay around the world behold the latest product endorsement disguised as Wackemall Network News:

The newest from the makers of Barridogs:

What's that? You had too much to drink last night and that 10 you picked up at the bar turned out to be a 2 this morning, and you wish you could just forget the whole night ever happened? Lots of girls have been there, guys too. But thanks to Wackemall Products it doesn't have to scar you for the rest of your life.

That's right, the guys in the white coats at the Wackemall Labs have done it again. When they learned that Greensboro's John Mincello was wishing for someone to invent Memory Cancelling Headphones they went right to work, kicked the entire Wackemall R&D Department into high gear and got it done.

With their hands tied behind their backs the guys in the white coats managed to come up with the world's first Numismatic powered Memory Cancelling Headphones. Just insert 2 new C…

Drone Attack: Part 4

Continued from Drone Attack

He waited until they left to go out for the evening. Then using his drone equipped with night vision cameras and a can of spray paint he painted obscenities all over the 3rd story walls and windows of their home in bright day glow colors. They didn't even notice it until the president of the homeowners association called them the next afternoon to warn them that they would be fined if it wasn't removed ASAP.

Talk about a hangover.

But that would pale in comparison to what he would do next. Continue reading Drone Attack: Part 5 to find out.

Drone Attack: Part 3

Continued from Drone Attack:


They awoke in the morning only to discover that what appeared to be miniature crop circles had been left in the many flower beds all around their stately home. When they called the police the 911 operator insisted they could be prosecuted for abusing 911 services.

It seemed there was no one who could help them.

Please continue reading Drone Attack: Part 4



Drone Attack: Part 2

Continued from Drone Attack:


When his neighbors left home he spent the hours shining a laser pointer through their windows antagonizing their Rottweiler. The angry beast would attack everything the light shined on including the cat. By using the drone to carry the laser he could access every window in the house from the comfort and security of his own home. They returned home to find a Rottweiler with one eye clawed from its head, a cat without a head, and the interior of their home-- recently refurbished because of the water damage-- completely destroyed.

Please continue reading Drone Attack: Part 3





Drone Attack: Part 1

He poured acid on his neighbor's roof using a drone. The rain took care of the rest.

Please continue reading Drone Attack, Part 2.

The Fourteen-Six

At the time I was working for a Baltimore based trucking company that among other things had a deal worked out that allowed us to pick up UPS trailers at the UPS terminal in Dallas, Texas loaded with merchandise from the Home Shopping Channel, and haul it like a bat out of hell to other UPS terminals all over the country.

Now I must admit the whole thing seemed odd as never before or since have I seen anyone but UPS drivers with UPS trucks pulling UPS trailers but we did it for a couple of years or so. I always assumed we hauled it because we were cheaper and faster than UPS.

It was a nice day when I picked up the trailer there in Dallas but while I was hooking up I noticed something different. You see, there on the top left of the trailer where there is usually a yellow sign with black lettering indicating the trailer height to be 13'-6" tall, this trailer claimed to be 14'-6" tall.

Now this wasn't a problem in Texas. As a matter of fact this probably wouldn't …

Nothing Good Comes From It

Failures on the part of those who can make a difference but ignore the problems usually result in failures on the part of those chosen to fix the problems.

You Knew It Wood Be Bloody

When you pick the Antichrist to run against the Devil, don't be surprised when your candidate loses.