May 31, 2018

Are Your Eyes Too Big For Your Refrigerator?

You come in from the grocery store only to discover that you can't make all your perishables fit in the 'fridge. Once again, your eyes were too big for your refrigerator. That's not really a problem. It is in-fact, what is known as a solution looking for a problem, and the sort of solution millions of less fortunate people around the world can only dream of having.

You think you need a bigger 'fridge. Those who sell groceries, refrigerators and the advertising companies they hire want you to believe you need a bigger 'fridge. But in reality you probably could have done with fewer groceries. After all, the average American throws away 25% of the food they buy.

Then when you get that bigger 'fridge you just end up with more stuff lost in the back turning into lovely refrigerator experiments. Not to mention the electric bill.

So ask yourself, do you need a bigger 'fridge or is it simply that your eyes are too big for your refrigerator?

May 30, 2018

Two Eagles Talking

"Did you know they have this thing they call 
freedom of speech? It's protected by their Constitution."

"How's that work?"

"They can say anything they want to say."

"We say anything we want to say, how is their freedom of speech any different?"

"We don't get punished for saying what we want to say. Sometimes they get punished for saying what they want to say."

"But you just said they can say anything they want to say."

"Nobody stops them from saying it."


Photo credit Harry Pherson Photography

Get the best of Two Eagles Talking, feathers and all, right here at Wackemall.com You know, at least until we get caught saying it.

May 29, 2018

It's Not Paranoia When It's Real



When They Come For You

They kick the door to take their due,
crash it down, and run on through.
The lanterns fall, the glass, it breaks.
Do not resist-- a big mistake.

They read you rights you'll never know.
The ties that bind, it's all a show.
They drag you out so you can't see
the things they found that couldn't be.

Behind the bars, what will you do?
You trust no one, their lies all true.
Who will you call when they come for you?

Tools For Parenting: Running In Place

I took my son, Jason, with me to Dick's Sporting Goods when he was about 10.

While we were there I stepped up on a treadmill with both hands in my pockets, just looking at it.

He turned it on.

Boom! I went crashing through the store knocking all kinds of stuff down.

It only hurt for a minute.

Jason was scared to death. He thought I was going to beat his ass. I kept letting him think it as the store employees helped me up and the manager started lavishing me with coupons for free stuff.

I marched Jason back outside to my truck, got in, and busted out laughing as we drove away. Poor kid was about to pee his pants.

Then we went to his favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner.

May 28, 2018

Get Your Rocks Off

Momma made my poor Daddy haul load after load of rocks to build borders around her flower beds. Then every year for the next 20 years I listened to him complain about how hard it was raking the leaves from those rocks but I never thought much about it.

Fourteen years ago Daddy died and Momma's yard became my responsibility.

I raked those leaves out of those rocks one time.

Then I dug a hole in the back yard and buried Momma's rocks.

May 27, 2018

Railroad Police, Modern Day Pinkertons

From Wikipedia:

"Section 1704 of the U.S. Crime Control Act of 1990, provides that: "A railroad police officer who is certified or commissioned as a police officer under the laws of any one state shall, in accordance with the regulations issued by the U.S. Secretary of Transportation, be authorized to enforce the laws of any other state in which the rail carrier owns property."

It was 3AM. I was lying in bed when the telephone rang telling me that the Railroad Police were in nearby Brown's Summit, North Carolina and wanted me to come tow a pick-up truck off the railroad tracks. I didn't know there really was such a thing as railroad police but my boss assured me there was so I quickly dressed, got in the wrecker, and made my way to Brown's Summit.

There I met the railroad police for the first and last time in my life.

Some drunk fool had decided to go all wild west and try to rob a freight train using his Toyota pick-up. He apparently had no plan as to how he would get aboard the train as he was acting alone but he'd gone cowboy and intended to take that train by whatever means he might dream up in his drunken stupor.

As you can imagine, he never boarded the train and was taken into custody. At the request of the railroad police, the local authorities carried him to the Guilford County jail and I winched his truck out and towed it to impound.

Yes, there is such a thing as railroad police. It was at the request of President Abraham Lincoln that Allan Pinkerton created the first railroad police in the USA. They have powers in all 50 US states. But unless you go messing with the railroads or railroad properties you'll probably never see them.

May 26, 2018

Count Down

They can't tax what they can't count. They can't count what they cannot see. Don't be seen until your numbers are strong enough that only you can count them. Then count them out.

EU Privacy Policy

New Cookie Policy

Signing in from London
in the jolly old UK
while never leaving home
here in the USA.
Privacy and cookies
policies benign and free
to which I am to answer for
but not allowed to plea.

May 23, 2018

When You're A Fish

Tanked

Marty was a goldfish
who lived in a great big tank.
He never saw a fisherman
or chanced upon the bank.
He spent his days a swimmin' 'round
with his buddies Earl and Frank,
telling tales of when their tails
swam 'round the world with Hank....

An Joe, an Larry, and Seymore, an....

May 22, 2018

Run Like Hell!

All my life I've gone where no man has gone before. Not boldly. Not because I wanted to. But because the bridge was falling down behind me.

May 21, 2018

To Each His Own Hell

Sink Or Swim

I thought I could save them.
I took the dive
into waters so cold
I barely survived.

No they didn't want me.
They wanted to drownd
and they pulled me under
each time I swam 'round.

But I didn't learn.
Each time I swam back
'till finally they tired,
and then they attacked.

So here on the bottom
I watch them flail
knowing they're coming
to join me in Hell.


See

May 19, 2018

The Pink Panther Rides Again

When my son was about 3 years old his favorite cartoon character, and mine too, was the Pink Panther. When in Texas I found a t-shirt with a picture of the Pink Panther riding an armadillo so I brought one home for him.

The shirt, not the armadillo.

Living in North Carolina, and being only 3, Jason had never seen nor heard of an armadillo but he knew what possums were so he immediately thought the Pink Panther was riding a possum. He thought it hilarious.

This led to me finding the World Book Encyclopedia and finding him a picture of an armadillo as well as showing him Texas on the map.

He wore that shirt for about 3 years until it was completely ragged and he has so outgrown it that he could no longer pull it over his head and shoulders. Then he insisted it be hung on his wall until finally his mother had all she could take.

May 18, 2018

Land Ho!

Adrift At C

Endless Cs have passed by me
flying past me in a swarm,
until the day has finally come,
I'm thinking I'll call Norm...

And see if he'll give me a ride.

May 17, 2018

Less Talk, More Action

I used to deliver rolls of fabric imported from Mexico to a warehouse in Brooklyn where no two employees spoke the same language. It was a good run, Laredo, Texas to New York brought me through my home in Greensboro, North Carolina twice a week, and racked up more miles than running west coast.

In that warehouse were almost a dozen men who couldn't talk to one another. I asked the man
who owned and managed the business, an Orthodox Jewish man, about it. "I can speak every one of their languages," he said. "They can't talk to anyone but me. Less talk means more work gets done."

I must admit, they were quite fast at loading and unloading trailers.

May 15, 2018

Kiss My Ass

I was never good at kissing ass even when I had to do it to get a paycheck-- been fired from more jobs than anyone I know. A boss-man once said to me, "Billy, you don't respect authority."

I replied, "No Sir, I respect authority, I just don't respect stupid authority."

It was worth getting fired to see the look on his face.

Now that I'm retired you can all kiss my ass.

May 13, 2018

Where Does It Go?

Door In The Floor

There's a door in the floor, where it leads no one knows.
We'd find out if we only could,
but we were all told, don't open the door,
and we always do as we should.

But if we don't know just where to door goes
we can't follow it, you see.
Nor can we know what might come crawling out--
a monster or someone like me.

So we stare at the door like always before,
always thinking it might be the best
to just block the door, think of it no more,
and consider the subject in jest.

May 12, 2018

A Thousand Words

"Stand in the middle."

"In the middle of what?"

"In the middle of the picture."

"What picture? I don't see any picture."

"The picture I'm about to take."

"You're about to take a picture?"

"Yes, I'm going to take a picture."

"But you don't have a camera. How can you take a picture without a camera?"

"I'm going to go buy a camera."

"And you want me to stand here while you go buy a camera?"

"Sure."

"So I'm supposed to stand here and do nothing while you go no telling where for no telling how long to buy a camera then come back and take my picture, as if I've got nothing better to do than wait on you. Does that sound about right?"

"No."

"What part did I get wrong?"

"I'm not going to take your picture."

"You're not?"

"No, I'm not."

"So why do you want me to stand in the middle of the picture if you're not going to take my picture?"

"To mark the spot, Silly. Otherwise I might not come back to the right place."

May 11, 2018

Two Eagles Talking

"Did you hear there is talk in Washington about replacing the President of the United States of America?"

"What are they going to replace him with?"

"I donno, a talking parrot?"

"How about a bread warmer?"

"Why a bread warmer?"

" 'Cause then all that hot air would actually do something."

"Going to need a lot of bread."






Photo via harry pherson photography.

Two Eagles Talking is made possible by the President, Vice President, United States Senate, 435 members of the United States House of Representatives, and the voters who were stupid enough to think that voting for any of them would fix anything.

May 10, 2018

Driving Dogs?

My Dog, Misery

Misery and me, we're happy you see;
there's nothing that can come between us,
for he's the best dog ever traded a pog,
and he drives me from school in a green bus.

Dial A Flush

I had felt horrible for days, sick as hell, couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I thought I was having a heart attack-- seriously. I had to be dying, I was starting to call 911. Then suddenly I realized I was just full of shit.

I think that was the biggest turd I have ever seen come out of my big ol' hairy butt. Took 3 tries to flush it.

May 9, 2018

You Only Get One Shot At Life

First Draft

Proofreading is for editors.
An editor, I am not.
I pen my drafts, shoot them out;
and pen and shoot a lot.

While some might work a lifetime
to pen the perfect phrase
I'll spend my live a living
and lose them in their haze.

May 8, 2018

Choo-choo

Blowing Off Steam

A waiting train will not abstain
from steaming 'cause you're late,
for blowing steam is what trains do,
and they'll not hesitate.

Choo-choo!

May 7, 2018

Cat Poems


Ode To A Feral Cat

These days, I spend time on the porch
sitting next to the feral cat
who hasn't allowed me to pet her for seven years.

And I wonder why write free verse
when what I'm really penning is prose
broken into verses disguised as poetry?

For like my relationship with the cat--
as tenuous as it is-- this thing called free verse
is no more than paragraphs of prose...

gone feral.

May 6, 2018

Definition Of Stupidity

While definitions sometimes change over time the current definition of stupidity can easily be surmised by reading the memes that most quickly make the rounds of Facebook and other forms of social media. The faster the meme is circulated the more closely it approximates pure stupidity.

Obviously this meme will never be shared.



Wackemall.com

Two Eagles Talking

"Did you know humans tend to divide themselves into opposing groups?"

"You mean like Bald Eagles and Golden Eagles?"

"No, We Bald Eagles and Golden Eagles are different species who compete for the same source of food upon which to feed our young. For us it's survival of the fittest."

"So humans don't have to compete for food?"

"Oh no, humans have so much food they throw away their food."

"So how do humans divide themselves being they don't have to compete with each other to survive?"

"They divide into political groups like Liberals and Conservatives."

"What's the difference between these Liberals and Conservatives?"

"That's what humans are still trying to figure out. Every hundred years or so the Liberals become Conservatives and the Conservatives become Liberals."

"Do they agree to these changes?"

"That's the most amazing part of all. They accomplish this amazing transformation without ever agreeing on anything."

A view of politics you've never encountered at Two Eagles Talking, featuring the photography of folks like Shetzers Photography of Silverthorne, Colorado, info@Shetzers.com

May 4, 2018

The Natural Order Of Things?

A Trip To The Zoo

A kangaroo went to the zoo
to see the people there.
There were tall ones, small ones,
odd ones, bald ones;
there were people every where.
The kangaroo said to a frog,
"They look so sad, why don't they set them free?"
"Because," the wise old frog, he croaked,
"they'd never let us be."

May 3, 2018

Eternity

"What is this place?" she asked. "And why is my head hurting?"

"I hope it isn't hurting a lot," the gentleman in the black suit and sneakers replied. "Welcome to Eternity."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Just what I said," he answered. "You've left your Earthly existence and now reside in Eternity."

"Oh God," she exclaimed, "but it's so dark. Is this Hell?"

"It is what it is," he answered, "Hell for some, Heaven for others. And for most something in between."

"But I don't understand," she asked, "why is my head hurting?"

"Because that's what you were doing when you crossed over," he explained. "And that's what you'll do for eternity."

"I'm going to have a headache forever?" she asked.

"I hope it isn't too bad," he answered. "Forever is a long time."

"Not real bad," she said.

"Good," he continued, "We can talk while we walk. Another newby will come along any minute now and I'll have to devote all my time to him or her."

"So this is all you do?" she asked.

"That's right," he answered. "I was leading a one on one tour the moment I died and now I'm spending eternity leading newbys on one on one tours of Eternity."

"What kind of tours were you leading before?" she asked.

"No one remembers what they were before," he answered. "None of that is relevant here."

"Are those people stuck in traffic?" she asked, pointing to a distant freeway where thousands of cars and trucks stood still.

"They sure are," he answered, "and that's where they'll be for eternity.

"Did you give them the tour?"

"There was no need," he answered, "they didn't even know they passed just like the thousands speeding down that other highway over there. The just keep on going and going and going."

"Like the Eveready Bunny," she smiled.

"He's around here somewhere," he laughed.

"He died too?"

"Well they did make several versions of the bunny," he replied. "Everything goes to eternity eventually."

"Oh my God!" she shouted, "Those men are gang raping that poor woman over there!"

"Yes they are," he replied calmly. "Just keep walking."

"But aren't you going to do something?" she screamed. "You've got to help her!"

"There's nothing that can be done," he answered. "That's what they were doing when they passed. That's what they'll do for eternity. Now move along."

"But she must be in Hell!" the woman screamed.

"No," he refuted, "she's here in Eternity with us but I'm sure it feels like Hell."

"But what could she have done for God to let her go through that?" she asked.

"God had nothing to do with it," he answered. "But the men raping her think they're in Heaven just like that man drinking coffee over there."

"Then it was the work of the Devil?" she cried.

"No," he answered, "Satan has nothing to do with this place."

"Then who does?" she asked. "Who is responsible for this?"

"You are," he answered.

"I did this?" she questioned. "But how..."

"We all did this," he interrupted. "Eternity is the result of the power of the collective conscious of everyone who has ever lived. Our every act, our every deed, every emotion, thought, and opinion create the power that brings Eternity to life. And there's nothing we can do to change it."

"But why?" she asked.

"Because Eternity is what we make of it," he answered. "And we make it before we come here."

May 2, 2018

Definition Of Prophet

Prophets correctly interpret the current events of their times and draw out the logical conclusions to which those events will lead. It's science, not magic.

May 1, 2018

The Ghost Of Charles Dickens Haunts Us

Classic Misery

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,"
Dickens words did say.
But for most of us just getting by
it was just another day.

Another day, another night
when time goes standing still;
hollow sounds from solid walls,
the darkness haunts us still.

The darkness haunts us still, my friend,
returning on the eve.
Shrouding all in misery
is all we can perceive.

All we can perceive, my friend,
is darkness and dismay.
The best of times, the worst of times
are only words today.

Who's Fault Is It?

"Casting blame prevents looking for solutions..."

It's a common phrase uttered in higher circles these days. Problem is: it's wrong.

If the blame is cast correctly then don't we know exactly what or who caused the problem? And isn't knowing what or who caused the problem the first step in finding solutions?

I'm not advocating firing squads but....

People who take hands on approaches to fixing things know that blame must be found before solutions and prevention are possible. Doesn't matter if the problem is people, parts, or processes, the approach to discovering the flaw is the same. Engineers, mechanics, plumbers, chemists, doctors, they all know this to be true.

People whose job is prevention actually push things to the breaking point so that they might discover what to blame for the failure.

Experiments In Backyard Mosquito Control

When I started raising fish in my backyard I realized that our local municipal water just wouldn't work because of the existence of Chloramines-- Ammonia derivatives that are found in our water and expensive to remove.

To combat the problem I simply expanded on what I had been doing for decades to reduce the cost of growing my garden-- more rain barrels.

But rain barrels come with 2 problems, mosquitoes and acid rain. Screens and Mosquito Dunks do a great job of controlling the little blood suckers but do nothing to stop acid rain which is bad for fish and plants. Add to that the price of Mosquito Dunks jumped from $10 for a pack of nine to $15 a pack in the last year. To treat the rain water for Acid Rain I add an agricultural lime in powder form, also known as specifically, Calcium hydroxide or slaked lime, hydrated lime, or in its most expensive form, pickling lime in a process called Flocculation. The process of Flocculation is a chemical process that is often used in municipal water and sewer treatment, but basically what I do is toss a handful of the powered lime into the rainwater, stir it around with my hand, and wait a while. When I come back the lime has collected most of the acidic junk and dragged it to the bottom of the tank allowing me to carefully collect the cleaner and now low acid water from the top via containers or my pump.

I first learned about Flocculation when I spent a summer hauling what was basically a barge that sprayed chemicals on sewage treatment ponds at various cities across North Carolina, South Carolina, and Virginia. They needed a tractor-trailer driver who was experienced with oversized loads. I needed the work.

Over time I began to notice that the containers in which I practice my rudimentary form of Flocculation have few if any mosquito larva in them. In searching the web it seems the jury is still out on pH as mosquito control but I did find The Significance of the pH in the Development of Mosquito Larvae from Cambridge University Press:

"7. The chief conclusion is, however, that in most instances in various localities the larvae of certain species do actually show a restriction to waters exhibiting a pH index within a definite short range, and that the pH index is consequently often a reliable index also as to whether the chemical and biological group associations will favour or preclude the successful development of such larvae."

In other words, there might be easier and less expensive ways to control mosquitoes that even folks can do at home. We just need to experiment more.

Eventually, when I clean my water barrels I put the sludge from the bottom in my compost pile.

Of course I don't have to worry about mosquito larvae in my fish tank as my fish gobble down anything that touches the water but what I have found amazing is that my tank containing only pond snails and water bugs is mosquito free as well." Could it be I've discovered coniferous pond snails?