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Showing posts from May, 2018

Are Your Eyes Too Big For Your Refrigerator?

You come in from the grocery store only to discover that you can't make all your perishables fit in the 'fridge. Once again, your eyes were too big for your refrigerator. That's not really a problem. It is in-fact, what is known as a solution looking for a problem, and the sort of solution millions of less fortunate people around the world can only dream of having.

You think you need a bigger 'fridge. Those who sell groceries, refrigerators and the advertising companies they hire want you to believe you need a bigger 'fridge. But in reality you probably could have done with fewer groceries. After all, the average American throws away 25% of the food they buy.

Then when you get that bigger 'fridge you just end up with more stuff lost in the back turning into lovely refrigerator experiments. Not to mention the electric bill.

So ask yourself, do you need a bigger 'fridge or is it simply that your eyes are too big for your refrigerator?

Two Eagles Talking

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"Did you know they have this thing they call 
freedom of speech? It's protected by their Constitution."

"How's that work?"

"They can say anything they want to say."

"We say anything we want to say, how is their freedom of speech any different?"

"We don't get punished for saying what we want to say. Sometimes they get punished for saying what they want to say."

"But you just said they can say anything they want to say."

"Nobody stops them from saying it."


Photo credit Harry Pherson Photography

Get the best of Two Eagles Talking, feathers and all, right here at Wackemall.com You know, at least until we get caught saying it.

It's Not Paranoia When It's Real

When They Come For You
They kick the door to take their due, crash it down, and run on through. The lanterns fall, the glass, it breaks. Do not resist-- a big mistake.
They read you rights you'll never know. The ties that bind, it's all a show. They drag you out so you can't see the things they found that couldn't be.
Behind the bars, what will you do? You trust no one, their lies all true. Who will you call when they come for you?

Tools For Parenting: Running In Place

I took my son, Jason, with me to Dick's Sporting Goods when he was about 10.
While we were there I stepped up on a treadmill with both hands in my pockets, just looking at it.
He turned it on.
Boom! I went crashing through the store knocking all kinds of stuff down.

It only hurt for a minute.
Jason was scared to death. He thought I was going to beat his ass. I kept letting him think it as the store employees helped me up and the manager started lavishing me with coupons for free stuff.
I marched Jason back outside to my truck, got in, and busted out laughing as we drove away. Poor kid was about to pee his pants.
Then we went to his favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner.

Get Your Rocks Off

Momma made my poor Daddy haul load after load of rocks to build borders around her flower beds. Then every year for the next 20 years I listened to him complain about how hard it was raking the leaves from those rocks but I never thought much about it.
Fourteen years ago Daddy died and Momma's yard became my responsibility.
I raked those leaves out of those rocks one time.
Then I dug a hole in the back yard and buried Momma's rocks.

Railroad Police, Modern Day Pinkertons

From Wikipedia:

"Section 1704 of the U.S. Crime Control Act of 1990, provides that: "A railroad police officer who is certified or commissioned as a police officer under the laws of any one state shall, in accordance with the regulations issued by the U.S. Secretary of Transportation, be authorized to enforce the laws of any other state in which the rail carrier owns property."
It was 3AM. I was lying in bed when the telephone rang telling me that the Railroad Police were in nearby Brown's Summit, North Carolina and wanted me to come tow a pick-up truck off the railroad tracks. I didn't know there really was such a thing as railroad police but my boss assured me there was so I quickly dressed, got in the wrecker, and made my way to Brown's Summit.

There I met the railroad police for the first and last time in my life.

Some drunk fool had decided to go all wild west and try to rob a freight train using his Toyota pick-up. He apparently had no plan as to how he …

Count Down

They can't tax what they can't count. They can't count what they cannot see. Don't be seen until your numbers are strong enough that only you can count them. Then count them out.

EU Privacy Policy

New Cookie Policy
Signing in from London in the jolly old UK while never leaving home here in the USA. Privacy and cookies policies benign and free to which I am to answer for but not allowed to plea.

When You're A Fish

Tanked

Marty was a goldfish who lived in a great big tank. He never saw a fisherman or chanced upon the bank. He spent his days a swimmin' 'round with his buddies Earl and Frank, telling tales of when their tails swam 'round the world with Hank....

An Joe, an Larry, and Seymore, an....

Run Like Hell!

All my life I've gone where no man has gone before. Not boldly. Not because I wanted to. But because the bridge was falling down behind me.

To Each His Own Hell

Sink Or Swim

I thought I could save them. I took the dive into waters so cold I barely survived.

No they didn't want me. They wanted to drownd and they pulled me under each time I swam 'round.

But I didn't learn.
Each time I swam back
'till finally they tired, and then they attacked.

So here on the bottom I watch them flail knowing they're coming to join me in Hell.

See

The Pink Panther Rides Again

When my son was about 3 years old his favorite cartoon character, and mine too, was the Pink Panther. When in Texas I found a t-shirt with a picture of the Pink Panther riding an armadillo so I brought one home for him.
The shirt, not the armadillo.
Living in North Carolina, and being only 3, Jason had never seen nor heard of an armadillo but he knew what possums were so he immediately thought the Pink Panther was riding a possum. He thought it hilarious.
This led to me finding the World Book Encyclopedia and finding him a picture of an armadillo as well as showing him Texas on the map.
He wore that shirt for about 3 years until it was completely ragged and he has so outgrown it that he could no longer pull it over his head and shoulders. Then he insisted it be hung on his wall until finally his mother had all she could take.

Land Ho!

Adrift At C
Endless Cs have passed by me flying past me in a swarm, until the day has finally come, I'm thinking I'll call Norm...

And see if he'll give me a ride.

Less Talk, More Action

I used to deliver rolls of fabric imported from Mexico to a warehouse in Brooklyn where no two employees spoke the same language. It was a good run, Laredo, Texas to New York brought me through my home in Greensboro, North Carolina twice a week, and racked up more miles than running west coast.

In that warehouse were almost a dozen men who couldn't talk to one another. I asked the man who owned and managed the business, an Orthodox Jewish man, about it. "I can speak every one of their languages," he said. "They can't talk to anyone but me. Less talk means more work gets done."

I must admit, they were quite fast at loading and unloading trailers.

Kiss My Ass

I was never good at kissing ass even when I had to do it to get a paycheck-- been fired from more jobs than anyone I know. A boss-man once said to me, "Billy, you don't respect authority."

I replied, "No Sir, I respect authority, I just don't respect stupid authority."

It was worth getting fired to see the look on his face.

Now that I'm retired you can all kiss my ass.

Where Does It Go?

Door In The Floor
There's a door in the floor, where it leads no one knows.
We'd find out if we only could, but we were all told, don't open the door, and we always do as we should.

But if we don't know just where to door goes we can't follow it, you see.
Nor can we know what might come crawling out-- a monster or someone like me.

So we stare at the door like always before, always thinking it might be the best to just block the door, think of it no more, and consider the subject in jest.

A Thousand Words

"Stand in the middle."

"In the middle of what?"

"In the middle of the picture."

"What picture? I don't see any picture."

"The picture I'm about to take."

"You're about to take a picture?"

"Yes, I'm going to take a picture."

"But you don't have a camera. How can you take a picture without a camera?"

"I'm going to go buy a camera."

"And you want me to stand here while you go buy a camera?"

"Sure."

"So I'm supposed to stand here and do nothing while you go no telling where for no telling how long to buy a camera then come back and take my picture, as if I've got nothing better to do than wait on you. Does that sound about right?"

"No."

"What part did I get wrong?"

"I'm not going to take your picture."

"You're not?"

"No, I'm not."

"So why do you want me to stand in the middle of the picture…

Two Eagles Talking

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"Did you hear there is talk in Washington about replacing the President of the United States of America?"

"What are they going to replace him with?"

"I donno, a talking parrot?"

"How about a bread warmer?"

"Why a bread warmer?"

" 'Cause then all that hot air would actually do something."

"Going to need a lot of bread."






Photo via harry pherson photography.

Two Eagles Talking is made possible by the President, Vice President, United States Senate, 435 members of the United States House of Representatives, and the voters who were stupid enough to think that voting for any of them would fix anything.

Driving Dogs?

My Dog, Misery

Misery and me, we're happy you see; there's nothing that can come between us, for he's the best dog ever traded a pog, and he drives me from school in a green bus.

Dial A Flush

I had felt horrible for days, sick as hell, couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I thought I was having a heart attack-- seriously. I had to be dying, I was starting to call 911. Then suddenly I realized I was just full of shit.

I think that was the biggest turd I have ever seen come out of my big ol' hairy butt. Took 3 tries to flush it.

You Only Get One Shot At Life

First Draft
Proofreading is for editors. An editor, I am not. I pen my drafts, shoot them out; and pen and shoot a lot.

While some might work a lifetime to pen the perfect phrase I'll spend my live a living and lose them in their haze.

Choo-choo

Blowing Off Steam

A waiting train will not abstain from steaming 'cause you're late, for blowing steam is what trains do, and they'll not hesitate.
Choo-choo!

Cat Poems

Ode To A Feral Cat
These days, I spend time on the porch sitting next to the feral cat who hasn't allowed me to pet her for seven years.

And I wonder why write free verse when what I'm really penning is prose broken into verses disguised as poetry?
For like my relationship with the cat-- as tenuous as it is-- this thing called free verse is no more than paragraphs of prose...

gone feral.

Definition Of Stupidity

While definitions sometimes change over time the current definition of stupidity can easily be surmised by reading the memes that most quickly make the rounds of Facebook and other forms of social media. The faster the meme is circulated the more closely it approximates pure stupidity.

Obviously this meme will never be shared.



Wackemall.com

Two Eagles Talking

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"Did you know humans tend to divide themselves into opposing groups?"

"You mean like Bald Eagles and Golden Eagles?"

"No, We Bald Eagles and Golden Eagles are different species who compete for the same source of food upon which to feed our young. For us it's survival of the fittest."

"So humans don't have to compete for food?"

"Oh no, humans have so much food they throw away their food."

"So how do humans divide themselves being they don't have to compete with each other to survive?"

"They divide into political groups like Liberals and Conservatives."

"What's the difference between these Liberals and Conservatives?"

"That's what humans are still trying to figure out. Every hundred years or so the Liberals become Conservatives and the Conservatives become Liberals."

"Do they agree to these changes?"

"That's the most amazing part of all. They accomplish this amazin…

The Natural Order Of Things?

A Trip To The Zoo

A kangaroo went to the zoo to see the people there. There were tall ones, small ones, odd ones, bald ones; there were people every where. The kangaroo said to a frog, "They look so sad, why don't they set them free?" "Because," the wise old frog, he croaked, "they'd never let us be."

Eternity

"What is this place?" she asked. "And why is my head hurting?"

"I hope it isn't hurting a lot," the gentleman in the black suit and sneakers replied. "Welcome to Eternity."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Just what I said," he answered. "You've left your Earthly existence and now reside in Eternity."

"Oh God," she exclaimed, "but it's so dark. Is this Hell?"

"It is what it is," he answered, "Hell for some, Heaven for others. And for most something in between."

"But I don't understand," she asked, "why is my head hurting?"

"Because that's what you were doing when you crossed over," he explained. "And that's what you'll do for eternity."

"I'm going to have a headache forever?" she asked.

"I hope it isn't too bad," he answered. "Forever is a long time."

"Not real bad,&qu…

Definition Of Prophet

Prophets correctly interpret the current events of their times and draw out the logical conclusions to which those events will lead. It's science, not magic.

The Ghost Of Charles Dickens Haunts Us

Classic Misery

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," Dickens words did say. But for most of us just getting by it was just another day.
Another day, another night when time goes standing still; hollow sounds from solid walls, the darkness haunts us still.
The darkness haunts us still, my friend, returning on the eve. Shrouding all in misery is all we can perceive.
All we can perceive, my friend, is darkness and dismay. The best of times, the worst of times are only words today.

Who's Fault Is It?

"Casting blame prevents looking for solutions..."

It's a common phrase uttered in higher circles these days. Problem is: it's wrong.

If the blame is cast correctly then don't we know exactly what or who caused the problem? And isn't knowing what or who caused the problem the first step in finding solutions?
I'm not advocating firing squads but....
People who take hands on approaches to fixing things know that blame must be found before solutions and prevention are possible. Doesn't matter if the problem is people, parts, or processes, the approach to discovering the flaw is the same. Engineers, mechanics, plumbers, chemists, doctors, they all know this to be true.
People whose job is prevention actually push things to the breaking point so that they might discover what to blame for the failure.

Experiments In Backyard Mosquito Control

When I started raising fish in my backyard I realized that our local municipal water just wouldn't work because of the existence of Chloramines-- Ammonia derivatives that are found in our water and expensive to remove.

To combat the problem I simply expanded on what I had been doing for decades to reduce the cost of growing my garden-- more rain barrels.

But rain barrels come with 2 problems, mosquitoes and acid rain. Screens and Mosquito Dunks do a great job of controlling the little blood suckers but do nothing to stop acid rain which is bad for fish and plants. Add to that the price of Mosquito Dunks jumped from $10 for a pack of nine to $15 a pack in the last year. To treat the rain water for Acid Rain I add an agricultural lime in powder form, also known as specifically, Calcium hydroxide or slaked lime, hydrated lime, or in its most expensive form, pickling lime in a process called Flocculation. The process of Flocculation is a chemical process that is often used in muni…