Mar 31, 2018

Two Eagles Talking





"Did you know that every year on April 1st they have a holiday called April Fools Day?"

"No, what's April Fools Day?"

"Well it's the one day each year when all the humans tell lies and all the news is fake news."

"How is that any different from the rest of the year?"

"I guess I'll have to get back to you on that one."

Two Eagles Talking is made possible by a crazy old man (that would be me) with time on his hands, no life, and nothing better to do than look around at the rest of the world and think, What the hell is wrong with these people? And by Wackemall.com

Photo credit: Eagle Totem, 'cause I had to steal a picture from somewhere.

Mar 30, 2018

How To Cook Snapping Turtle

Years ago when doing utility construction in Ottawa, Illinois, the guys working for me scooped up a snapper with 3 shovels and tossed it into the tool box on the side of our truck with plans to cook it for dinner that night.

When we pulled back into the yard that evening one of the other supervisors and his crew came rushing over to us accusing us of stealing their tools. They started searching our truck. I tried to warn him about the snapper but he was too busy cursing me to listen and yanked the tool box door open.

Who knew that hot, angry snapping turtles could jump so high?

Just in time to prevent the impending brawl our boss came driving up, having found the other crew's tools lying on the ground where they had worked the day before.

Best snapper I ever ate.

Stiff Upper Lipped Parking Meters

Coming up, another concrete installation of Parking Meter News-- the saga of a dying breed, struggling to hold on, struggling to get by in a new global economy that has no sympathy for insignificant minorities and sees them as standing in the way just as parking meters stand lonely, waiting for your spare change while performing a valued public service no one cares about or wants to do.

Lonely Meter

A parking meter stands and waits
as cars, they just pass by
looking for free parking
at malls where they can buy
anything to waste a buck,
anything to try.
The meter stands there lonely
but never does she cry.


Parking Meter News, an exclusive of Wackemall Network News, is made possible by daily doses of Prozac and other chemicals we dare not mention.

Mar 28, 2018

Free Burger 'N Fries

When I was a little over 30 years old I met a 25 year old woman in Georgia who had been married and divorced 5 times. She was working as a waitress in a truck stop and I was trying to get her to let me spend the night with her. "Oh no," she explained, "I'm a Christian. I only sleep with men I'm married to."

"So let me get this straight," I said. "You're 25 and you've been married 5 times, right?"

"That's true," she said.

"So in other words," I continued, "every time you get horny you get married."

She ran back into the kitchen crying and a great big guy with a cleaver in his hand told me I had to leave the truck stop right away.

He wouldn't even let me stay long enough to pay for my burger and fries.

The Cost Of Fine Craftsmanship

Those who can afford to pay fair labor rates can always afford the cost of getting it cheaper. And those who can't afford fair labor rates will never ask, preferring instead to dream of a time when they will someday be able to afford to pay fair prices.

Light Blue T-shirt

I didn't remember owning a light blue t-shirt but there it was, the last shirt in my drawer. "Time to do laundry," I muttered to myself as I pulled it from the drawer, "as soon as I get my coffee."

But no matter how I tried I couldn't manage to pull the t-shirt down over my head and put my arms through the holes. "What's wrong with this stupid shirt?" I grumbled, still half asleep and woefully in need of that first dose of caffeine.

It was a pillow case.

Apparently I don't on a light blue t-shirt.

Mar 27, 2018

So Which Army Are We Fighting?

This is Wackemall Network News bringing you the most recent coverage of the Fast Food War from deep inside a restaurant near you.

Drive-thru Horses

Arby, he was working late
when the King, he came to call.
Jalapenos danced about the room
never dreaming of a fall.

Angus watched from in the back
as Ruben tried to sing
with potato bites all loaded,
aimed to hit the King.

The curly fries, they sprung to fight,
commanding a turnover.
"Where's Roy and Dale?" the King, just laughed,
"The battle isn't over!"

As Arby rode away
on a stolen horse named, Trigger.


And there you have it folks, the latest live coverage from journalists embedded deep within the troops fighting the Fast Food War. If only I could figure out which side we're on.

Mar 25, 2018

When Newton's Laws Of Physics Don't Hold True

For every action there is a reaction. But unlike in the physical world, in the emotional world the reactions are often far greater than the initial action.





Mar 24, 2018

Two Eagles Talking

"Did you hear the humans are starting another
war?"

"Naw, what are they fighting about this time?"

"Aluminum, steel, and pork."

"Pork? But they've got lots of pork, they ship it all over the world."


"That's what they're fighting about. They call it a tariff war."

"Well which side do you think will win?"

"Neither side."

"Neither side? Really?"

"Nope, nobody ever wins a tariff war."

"Does someone lose?"

"Everyone loses. Even those who aren't fighting will lose."

"So why do they have these tariff wars if nobody ever wins?"

"So they can blame someone else for their problems."

"So why not fix their problems instead of blaming someone else?"

"Because that would be like waiting for the punch line in this joke, that's why."

"It would?"

"Yeah, it ain't never going to happen."


Photo credit: Tim Van Horn.


 Two Eagles Talking is made possible without the support of readers like you. Cheap bastards.

Mar 23, 2018

Everybody Loves Parking Meters

Happy Shiny Parking Meters

I'm tarnished, bent, there's sometimes rust.
Once a year, the city paints and dusts.
Then the bikers come on steel steeds to roam
and I'm thinking, Why can't I be chromed?

Alas, the Saga of the Lowly Parking Meters continues... Why? Because, like your lowly scribe, they too have a voice few want to hear and even fewer will ever know.

Stay tuned next time when a parking meter says.....What, you really think parking meters talk to me? You must be loony tunes.

Mar 22, 2018

Why The Haters Will Always Be Among Us

Sadly, and contrary to popular opinion, spewing hate upon others seemingly extends one's lifespan almost indefinitely. Don't wait for the hateful old bastards to die as they'll probably out live you.

Before It Happened In The Middle East

Grass Food Uprising

Chili cheese tots lead the march.
Fries were close behind.
The King, he laughed, "I'm in control
and everything is fine."
But toaster clubs had networked
through Twitter, to put him down,
saying, "Damn the King, give back our grease
and pull the plug on the clown!"


Yes it's true, history repeats itself and even before Twitter, Facebook or even Digg, there was an uprising those in the Middle East would someday emulate. And that uprising was the Fast Food War.

Mar 21, 2018

Things That Go Boom

Most boys grow up fascinated with things that go boom. Thankfully, most boys discover fast cars, wild girls, alcohol, drugs, and motorcycles.

You know, all the things your mothers warned you about and the preachers told us we'd go to hell for.

Mar 20, 2018

Long Live Blue Collar Poets

Commons

I can write for you a poem,
profess my love to thee
but I am just a common bard
and rich I'll never be.
I'll never be a laureate
celebrated 'cross the land
for laureates are noble men
and I'm the common man.

I could pen my saga, days a sail
and days against the plow,
days labored in factories
sweat upon my brow.
I could tell you of the misery
of the men on the prison yard,
but I'll never write of victories
for I'm just a common bard.

I could tell you of the struggles
of a thousand men like me,
dreamers, each and every one
of dreams that cannot be.
But my name you'll never honor
despite the times I spared
for I am but a common man
penning words, a common bard.

Don't Tell Me What To Do

I get it, people don't like being told what to do or how to live their lives. But smart people prefer to be warned of impending crashes before they run out of road.

Sadly, too many folk just aren't smart.

Mar 19, 2018

Have You Hugged Your Parking Meter Today?

Getting To Know Your Parking Meter

You think your money's all I want.
You think you're such a looker.
Well money isn't everything,
I'm a meter, not a hooker.
How 'bout we take the time to talk
instead of trying to snooker,
to get out of the old rat race--
out of this pressure cooker...


Parking Meter Poetry is made possible by a grant from....... Who am I kidding, nobody's going to buy this goofy s......

Mar 18, 2018

Flocks Vs Flocks

A shepherd is able to lead a flock of sheep because the elder sheep have learned that safety and food await them at the end of their journey while the sheep dogs bark and nip at any wayward lambs to keep them inline until they too learn.

Human flocks follow their shepherds based on no more than the promise of rewards that may or may not ever come.

And we think ourselves the higher, more evolved species.

Mar 17, 2018

Give 'Til It Hurts

The problem I see with giving is that most people tend to give only to those who already have the most while those most in need are told to earn it for themselves.

Mar 16, 2018

A Day On The Sawmill

Blowing Saw Dust

The saw cuts wood one chip at a time,
each tooth, each turn of the blade,
while the shovel digs one scoop of the brine
each time you push in the spade.
The clock, it ticks a moment of time,
each second a second away
from knowing when the ticks will end
and the chips will blow away.

Mar 14, 2018

The Old Man On The Mountain

The old man on the mountain is revered and thought wise not because his is wise but because he is so hard to get to. After a long and arduous journey his visitors are tired, in need of rest, and more than willing to listen to anything he has to say. The old man stays on the mountain because he is too poor and too old to survive the journey down. Besides, no one listens to the old men in the valley who were smart enough to live in comfort and health.

Morons.

Believers, Dreamers, And Fools

Believers know that not every dream was meant to come to those who dream. Dreamers temper their dreams with reason. Fools are insulted when reason stands in the way of their foolish dreams.

Mar 12, 2018

You Can't Handle The Truth

Most people are allergic to truth about themselves and see those who deliver the truth as the cause rather than the messenger.

You'll not make friends by being honest and telling people the truth about themselves. Trust me, I make enemies every day.

Which Came First The Chicken Or The Snacker?

KFC Snacker

A KFC Snacker called me late last night,
said, “Come on down and see me.
You know I’ll treat you right.
I’m cheap and yes I’m easy,
you only need a buck.
Come down to the drive thru,
you can eat me in your truck.”

“But KFC,” I told her,
“I’m not that kind of guy.
I don’t pay for snackers
until I’ve had a try.
So tell me we can work it out,
let me try a little taste,
I’ll gladly pay a dollar
if you’re all that great.”

She hung up the phone so I decided to get an eight piece box instead.

Mar 11, 2018

Poles Still Living In Bondage

It's true, despite the many wars and the millions of innocent lives lost, many have never been freed.

Crying For Parking

It's hard earning your living," the meter said,
"with a pole stuck up your butt.
I could have been a traffic light.
I guess I must be nuts.
I could have been a fire escape--
get paid for going down
but instead I became a parking meter
anchored to the ground."

And as I walked away I thought I heard her cry.

And so it is with this sad poem I usher in yet another return of Parking Meter Poetry-- the only poetry written exclusively from atop poles.

Brought to you by free parking everywhere.

Mar 10, 2018

Two Eagles Talking

"You know what else humans do?"

"Naw, what else do they do?

"They keep records."

"What's a record?"

"It's like a memory but they have to create a means to store their memories. They call that records."

"So they can't remember if they don't keep records?"

"I guess not."

"So how do they remember to keep up with their records?"

"When I find out you'll be the first one I tell."


Photo credit Harry Pherson Photography


 Get the best of Two Eagles Talking right here at... Hey, anyone know where the record is?

Mar 9, 2018

What if Clint Eastwood Had Said...

What if, in the movie, Dirty Harry, instead of saying, "Go ahead, make my day." Clint Eastwood had said, "Go ahead, I've had my ass kicked by more of a man than you'll ever be."

Naw, probably not.

Mar 8, 2018

The Fight Of The Century

Cage Match

"Call Big Mac!" Whopper, he shouted,
"I'm tired of singing, I'm callin' him out.
I'm a two fisted burger-- takes two hands for me.
Put Mac in the ring and then you will see."

Big Mac, he arrived accepting his fate;
no quarter pounder, Mac had lost weight.
Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles...
Please, we've heard it all before....

There was nowhere for Big Mac to hide or to run
locked in a cage surrounded by buns.

When the bell, it rang, Whopper came out swinging,
but Mac hit hard. No Mac wasn't singing.
A blow to the lettuce caught Whopper off guard,
but Whopper got up, came back really hard.

Pickles were flying, special sauce on the floor,
ketchup was flowing out all of the doors.
But Big Mac kept swinging and Whopper did too,
'til patties were all that was left of the two.

There's the beef!

This has been a presentation of Wackemall Network News and Fast Food Sports, brought to you by Cholesterol. Remember: when blocking major arteries becomes a priority, all you need do is add more Cholesterol until everything comes to a halt. No protestors necessary.

Mar 7, 2018

Meters Claim Ethnic Cleansing, Demand Investigation

Linking A Dying Breed


In DC, they plan to cut our rates
They're claiming it's a deal
but you know you must pay the price
for sitting 'neath the wheel.
In Chicago, we've been privitized
but no one asked us how we feel,
sold like a commodity
or something else to steal.


At Streetline, we're replaced with aps
to put us out of work.
In New York they have raised our rates
but our raise, they will shirk.
They claim we're just not good enough.
They blog... protest and stutter.
And as if their insults weren't enough,
people call us clutter.

Yes, it's old news but we here at Wackemall Network News reported it when no one else would. Wackemall.com, your only reliable source for Parking Meter News.

Mar 6, 2018

Now that You've Found The Needle...

To The Point

A needle in hay is an affray
to he who lands to find it.
A needle in hand, a sure command
for one who knows to bind it.

Mar 5, 2018

Definition Of Mansplain

Based solely on my personal experiences, mansplain is simply the latest accusation directed at men when women are unable to put up a rational argument.

Now I realize that isn't really what mansplaining is but that has become the most common use of the word by women.

In general, men never use the word, mansplain except to question why they are irrationally being accused of mansplaining by irrational women.

And odds are good I'll be accused of mansplaining for having pointed it out. After all, somewhere, unknown to any man anywhere in the world as to where it is actually kept hidden, there exists a legal code that states that men are never correct and women are always right.

Keep Your Friends Close And Your Enemies Closer

Wackemall Network News special coverage of the Fast Food Wars continue with this darling report from embedded journalist, Burger N Fries, in love on the scene in Hong Kong.

The Ballad Of Asian Salad

Asian Salad smiled at me
and then she walked away,
her snow peas nice and firm,
her dressing, “Hot!” I say.
Toasted almonds lightly browned,
her lips like mandarin...

Big Mac shouted, “Lettuce blow this joint,
Crispy Chicken, get back in!”

I followed her to a distant land
some call the Golden Arch.
A dude named Ronald met us there.
That’s when my troubles start.
The Hamburguler said, “How ‘bout it Red,
this poet wants our dish.”
And Ronald said, “I’ll see him dead
and feed him to the fish.”

So now I wait, an empty plate
is all that I now see.
My lovely Asian Salad,
she wouldn’t comfort me.
For though I cried, and though I tried
I couldn’t pay her price
so now I only dream of her
and think it would be nice.

What? Journalists have needs too. I'm just a man and it gets hard being embedded all alone behind enemy lines. How can you expect me to remain embedded and not give in to temptation every once in a while? If you're so perfect then you try it and see how well you can handle it. Besides, haven't you ever heard of tasting forbidden fruit?

Mar 4, 2018

Definition of Pendulum

Throughout history we have described American politics as a pendulum swinging from left to right while tethered by the middle.This is not the case. The American political system is in-fact un-tethered and incapable of changing course without first crashing headlong into something big enough to alter its course.

And anything smaller simply gets ground up in the eternal mash of media noise and constant screams of those who failed to get out of its way.

Mar 2, 2018

When Peas In A Pod Aren't

Curly Joe Foote and Jim Bob Jim were truckers who worked for Fat Phil's Pea Haulers and like most of Fat Phil's drivers, Jim Bob Jim and Curly Joe Foote were sick and tired of Phil's wallet getting fatter all the time while their wallets all got skinnier.

One day they learned the Big Tim Turner of Big Tim's Trucking had decided to retire and sell off his own fleet of pea hauling trucks as Big Tim's son, Little Tim had gone to college to major in logistics and had figured out he could make far more money in the brokerage of loads of peas rather than hiring drivers and maintaining his own fleet of trucks. So with an agreement to haul peas for Little Tim's Brokerage Company, both Curly Joe and Jim Bob arranged financing with Big Tim to buy one of his trucks for each of themselves and go into business as independent owner operators.

Now the trucks that Jim Bob Jim and Curly Joe Foote bought from Big Tim were in reasonably good condition considering how many miles were on them but both trucks had been in service many years and were bound to have issues from time to time, the most common being flat tires and blow outs.

When Curly Joe was forced to replace a tire he always bought the cheapest used tire he could find no matter how much money he had in his pocket. "No need to throw good money after bad," Curly Joe would always say. Curly Joe Foote often bought two or three tires a month.

But when Jim Bob was forced to buy a tire he always bought the best tire he could afford to buy. Rarely could Jim Bob Jim afford new tires but he often bought the best used tires on the rack replacing only two or three tires a year.

Unlike today, back in those days the pea hauling business was pretty good so it only took Jim Bob about 2 years to pay off the note he owed Big Tim and make a substantial down payment on a new truck he bought from Tad Turner Truck Sales which was owned by Big Tim Turner's other son Tad Turner.

It would be 4 more years before Curly Joe was able to pay off his note to Big Tim and buy a new truck. Jim Bob was soon to buy his second new truck. And yes, Tad Turner had raised the prices of his trucks by then.

It really bothered Curly Joe that he and Jim Bob had started out on equal footing and Jim Bob was getting so far ahead of him so fast. Curly Joe decided he would push his new truck really hard while hiring a driver to drive his old truck. "No need in letting some jack leg tear up my new truck," Curly Joe said.

In the meantime, Jim Bob continued to drive his oldest truck while hiring drivers to drive his newer trucks. "Can't hire the best drivers unless you put them in the best trucks," Jim Bob said.

Curly Joe Foote had one problem after the other. Despite having a reputation of having the fastest pea hauling trucks in the valley his drivers were often late due to break downs, blown tires, flats, or simply being too tired to complete their trips on schedule. Finally, after many warnings, Little Tim of Little Tim's Brokerage Company decided enough was enough and refused to broker any more loads to Curly Joe.

This meant there was even more work available for Jim Bob Jim so he went right out, bought more new trucks, and filled them with the best drivers he could find. All the while, paying the highest wages of any pea hauler in the valley.

Curly Joe picked up a load here and there from smaller brokers when no one else was available to haul the peas but as time went buy he fell further and further behind on his payments until finally Tad Turner of Tad Turner Truck Sales, was forced to repossess the last of the trucks he had sold Curly Joe.

The next morning Curly Joe Foote went out to haul a load of peas in the only truck he had left, his oldest truck, the truck he had bought used from Big Tim Turner of Big Tim's Trucking. Only to find 2 flat tires and no money in his wallet to fix them. Thinking he was left with no alternating he picked up his telephone and called his old boss, Fat Phil of Fat Phil's Pea Haulers to see if Phil would hire him back all these years later. "Sorry," Phil said as he ended the call, "you did a good job back when you worked for me but talk all over the valley is that you just aren't dependable."