Showing posts from February, 2018

Time Travel Gone Wrong?

The Clock Strikes Back

The future is but a memory of a past that came to stay, to harden deep inside our souls, and haunt us yesterday; for it comes back tomorrow and ends some time last night leaving us with sorrow, emptiness, and fright.
Tick tock, tick tock, tick...

History Of Wackemall, Part 78: Pablo Picasso

While best known as the painter of many fine works of 
abstract art such as Femme assise (shown right) it is
rarely mentioned that Pablo Picasso was an avid user
of Wackemall.

Picasso, (1881-1973) was a Spanish painter, sculptor, poet and playwright who spent most of his adult life in France. As one of the most influential artists of the 20th century, Picasso is known for co-founding the Cubist movement while under the influence of wackemall, and was often overheard muttering these words as he worked in his studio in Paris:

 "Inspiration exists, but it has to find wackemall."
It is not known if Picasso smoked, drank, or ate the wackemall he consumed but in his later years it was delivered to him by the truck load.

Some say that Picasso was in-fact a distributor for wackemall which at that time was illegal in France, and that it was in the distribution of wackemall from the United States and not art that had made him wealthy.

Others contend that Picasso's use of wackemall…

Nobody Listens To Billy

Momma complained about the hole the cats used to get under the house. She had to have it closed up. Why wouldn't I fix that hole? I tried to tell her but no, that hole must be fixed, no excuses.

So I fixed the hole. Nary a single cat can get under the house on a cold winter's night to lie on top of a furnace duct.

And now we have mice.

Guess who gets to bait the traps and carry the dead mice away in the middle of the night? That's right, I do.

Nobody listens to Billy.

Telephone Calls From Angry Readers

Earlier today a reader called me to express her opinion of the new vehicle I'll be riding to work tomorrow.

Die Trike Die

Here I sit atop this pole
trying to earn a buck,
trying to feed my family,
trying to get unstuck.
Just when I finally find my voice
to express these things I've seen
you ride past on a tricycle--
dammit, you've gone green!

I guess that means parking meters doesn't like the fact that tricycles get free parking.

Get the latest parking meter news right here at.... Well do I really need to tell you?

Guns In Schools?

Seriously, I'm pro gun but not pro gun nut.

No flood was ever made better by more rain.

Chemical Weapons In Fast Food?

Embedded behind enemy lines, Wackemall Network News journalist Ched R Bite is reporting on a secret plot to deploy chemical weapons against the King's men as the Fast Food War continues to disrupt our senses.

Pepper Jack Takes A Dive

PieWorks said, "We're not fast food,
we're pizza by design."
"With designs on everything I've got!"
the King was not so kind.
"I'm thinking that it's time for you
to make like shrimp and swim
before I feed you to the alligators
and toss ol' Pepper Jack in."

But PieWorks still had the Blister Sauce
and the King feared he would use it.

Yes Folks, that's right, as crayfish scurry beneath the King's feet, another chain is swung in anger and the Fast Food Wars continue unabated, now with chemical weapons the likes of which fries and fast food warriors have never seen.

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News exclusive coverage of the Fast Food Wars where next time we hear Wendy say, "Wow, tha…

My Little Log Truck

The trailer has 4 wheel brakes and tilt bed with an empty weight of just over 1,000 lbs. The 2 logs weigh roughly 1,000 lbs each.

The trailer deck is just over 40" wide x 12' long, has rub rails, and tie downs capable of handling many times the weight of anything that would ever be loaded on it. Overall length is 18 feet.

And I built it with my own two hands.

Bread Ties, Part 6, Do Over

Previously Unfinished

"So you're telling me the electrician was electrocuted to death without ever opening the breaker box?" her therapist asked.

"That's right," she answered, her husband nodding in agreement by her side.

"But how?" the therapist asked.

"According to the police," her husband answered, "a charge of electricity came shooting out from the box."

"Like a lightning bolt?" the therapist asked.

"Pretty much," she answered.

"But what about all the bread ties that were on top of him?" the therapist asked. "What was that all about?"

"They were apparently trying to burn their way inside of him," she answered.


"The bread ties apparently like to feed on their human victims," he explained, "using some sort of static charge to start the process before drawing the energy off the burning body."

"How did they figure this out?" the th…

We Are The 99%

Greensboro, NC-- In a surprise announcement, the Occupy Movement has restarted with new and unexpected leadership.

Parking Meters Stand In Solidarity

We stand together, 99,
firmly in the ground.
We're tired of the 1%
pushing us around.
We stand together, pole to pole,
and yes, we'll raise a fuss.
If you don't like it, KMA,
you can ride the bus!

And so it is, another group of downtrodden sufferers, tired of being enslaved and their rights abused, has decided to announce themselves part of the 99% and Occupy Wall Street. Will 2018 be remembered as the Year of the Parking Meter?

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Two Eagles Talking

"Did you know humans beat their young?"

"Why would they do such a thing?"

"To teach them to be nice to one another."


"Yep, and to keep them from doing things that might cause them pain."

"Okay, now you're joking me, right?"

"Seriously, I'm telling you the truth."

"Liar, liar, wings on fire!"

"No really, they do. It's part of their emotional development."

"Which part?"

"Even they haven't figured that out yet."

Photo via Roger Garber and Eastwood Eagle Watchers.

Continue to observe the superior intellect of  Two Eagles Talking right here at Or you can beat your stupid kids until your arm falls off but your kids will still be stupid.

The Wall That Could Have Changed The World

"So ya
Thought ya
Might like to go to the show.
To feel the warm thrill of confusion
That space cadet glow.
Tell me is something eluding you, sunshine?
Is this not what you expected to see?"
I wasn't supposed to be in Los Angeles in 1980 but the trucking company I worked for couldn't find their preference (an older driver) to take the trip so I guess you could say I got lucky-- so lucky, in fact, that a friend who was living in LA at the time had an extra ticket and a willing young woman to accompany me to the concert.

I wonder what ever happened to her.

We didn't know then that The Wall, later released as a movie in 1982, contained everything our generation-- the Boomers-- needed to be warned of to change the world for the better. And every warning we would chose to ignore:

"If you should go skating
On the thin ice of modern life
Dragging behind you the silent reproach
Of a million tear-stained eyes
Don't be surprised when a crack in the ice
Appears under yo…

Bread Ties, Part 5, Charged

Previously Unfinished

"You must know lots of shady people." she said.

"What are you talking about?" her husband asked.

"You've managed to put together this great big plot to gaslight me, to convince me I'm crazy, to drive me out of the house just so you want have to honor our agreement." she answered. "Only the lowest of the low would help a man do something like that. How much are you willing to spend before you give up because I'll see to it you spend every dime before I walk out those doors."

"Just as I would expect you do do." he said.

"So why are you doing it?" she asked.

"I'm not," he insisted.

"So you're saying this $900,000 Dollar power bill we got from the electric company is right?" she asked.

He stared in silence for a few moments before asking, "Did you really just say 900,000?

"I sure did," she said as she handed him the bill for the previous month's ele…

Fast Food On Choppers?

Ronald McDonald Takes The Fall

Tasty Freeze was in the breeze,
he had to warn the King.
The fries were marching in protest
and they all refused to sing.
Around a curve, he lost his nerve
and his moped, it spun 'round
crashing through the drive-thru
and taking out the clown.

What's this, more obscure reporting from the Fast Food Wars? Or just another day at the motorcycle races? Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates.

Scantily Clad Parking Meters, Oh My!

Greensboro, NC-- Downtown Greensboro is abuzz this week with the latest in a long string of downtown controversies.

Look But Don't Touch

"You know you adore me," the meter replied.
"I can tell you are dying to see what I hide.
But just you forget it, I'll not give it up.
Just give me your money and think that enough."

Today's parking meter poem was made possible by the Greensboro Grasshoppers.

Bread Ties, Part 4, Busted

Previously Unfinished

"As far as I can tell you're perfectly sane," her therapist told her. "You're just under a lot of stress right now. Did you collect the bread ties like we planned?"

"I did," she answered.

"Great," the therapist said, "how many did you collect?"

"Thousands upon thousands," she answered.

"Did you bring them?" her therapist asked. "Are they in your car?"


"Why not?"

"When I went to get them the top was unscrewed from the jar," she explained. "and most of them were gone."

"Someone found them?" her therapist exclaimed.

"I guess," she replied, "most of them. But a few of them were forming a chain over the top on the jar and down the outside."

"You mean like they were helping each other escape?" her therapist asked.

"Like someone wanted to make it look like they were helping each other escape,&q…

American Zenith

The American and world wide marketing and public relations industry has reached its zenith. Marketers are now able to make more money promoting ideas than can be made from achieving the ideas themselves.

It's all downhill from here.

Bread Ties, Part 3, Swept Away

Previously Unfinished

He had been the top broker with his firm for ten years in a row and had been asked to help train other brokers at this year's annual training and awards convention in New York. She decided to go along so that she might take in some of the sights and do some shopping.

Their flight went well as did the limo ride and check in to their hotel suite. She was amazed at how nicely appointed their rooms turned out to be.

When they walked into their suite he immediately excused himself to the bathroom and she began unpacking a few things from their luggage. Then she walked into the bathroom only to discover a couple of bread ties lying on the bathroom floor. "Did you put those in here?" she asked.

"Did I put what in there?" he asked as he walked back into the bathroom.

"Those," she said, pointing at the bread ties in the middle of the bathroom floor.

"They weren't there when I was in there," he said.

"Stop it," she …

From Buffalo With Love

Buffalo, NY-- Stay tuned as Wackemall Network News local correspondent Chic N Filet reports live from the western front on the latest turn of events in the Fast Food Wars:

Hot Wings

"What are these things, these hateful things?"
The King was heard to shout.
"They make a mess of all that rests
and fight in flight, no doubt!
They'll be no more, I'm declaring war
on every single one.
Call Angry Whopper, bring him here
armed with his biggest guns!"

Live coverage of the war will continue as soon as I get a bite!

Bread Ties, Part 2: Gaslighting

Previously Unfinished

 "I think he's gaslighting me," she said to her therapist.

"Why do you think he would gaslight you?" her therapist asked.

"He wants to get rid of me," she answered.

"Why would he want to get rid of you?"

"To get a younger woman," she answered. "I see him looking when we go out."

"Just because he looks doesn't mean he's planning something," her therapist replied. "Lots of men look but never touch."

"I don't know," she said.

"Wouldn't he just ask you for a divorce?" her therapist asked.

"We signed a rock solid prenuptial contract," she answered, "I'd get everything he has and everything he is ever going to have."

"So you think he's trying to push you into suicide or something to get rid of you?" her therapist searched for clarification.

"That's exactly what I think."

"By leaving bread ties …

Bread Ties, Part 1, Unfinished

"You plan on leaving that bread tie on the floor?" he asked.

"I'll get it up in the morning when I sweep," she answered.

"You know they multiply," he said, "it's already been there all day, it will be laying eggs soon."

"Okay," she laughed as she reached down to pick it up, "I got it, happy now?"

"Let's just hope it hadn't mated before it got loose."

"That's enough," she said.


The next morning he walked into the kitchen. "Too late," he shouted, "there's six of them on the floor."

"Six of what?" she asked as she followed him into the kitchen. "How did those get there?"

"I told you they multiply," he answered.

"No they don't," she said as she reached for the broom, "you're just being silly."

"Whatever you say, Dear. It's your dream house, I just make the payments."

"And y…

History Of Wackemall, Part 77: Friedrich Nietzsche

It was in researching one of the earliest drafts of Thus Spoke Zarathustra, that researchers from Wackemall University recently discovered the following quote thought to have been written by German  philosopher, cultural critic, composer, poet, philologist, and scholar, Friedrich Nietzsche:

“you must be ready to burn yourself in your own wackemall;
how could you rise anew if you have not first become ashes?”

While remembered as the developer of influential concepts such as the √úbermensch and the doctrine of eternal return, until now, there has been no known connection to Nietzsche and wackemall which was scarce in Germany in Nietzsche's time. (1844-1900)

Also discovered on a ragged piece of paper that had apparently fallen through a crack in the floor of Nietzsche's home was the following:

"Hence the ways of men part: if you wish to strive for peace of soul and pleasure, then believe; if you wish to be a devotee of truth, then wackemall..."
Amazingly, the use of the …

The Care And Feeding Of Your Pet Parking Meter

My Favorite Foods

A nickel, a dime,
a quarter is fine;
the more you put in
the longer the time.
But don't feed me pennies,
I don't like their taste
for when I eat pennies
your money you waste.

Two Eagles Talking

"Did you know they have more than one government?"

"No, how is that possible?"

"Every community, village, and tribe insists on having their own local governments as well."

"But if they have a national government then what do the local governments do?"

"Mostly the local governments figure out new ways to screw them."

Photo credit: Woodrow Dawson, via the Eagle Foundation.

Get the latest Two Eagles Talking right here at Wackemall Media, Mining, Manufacturing, Farming & Transportation... Or you could wait on the Greensboro City Council to stop screwing you.

What Is It?

It's made of ferrous metal, roughly 2" in overall length, and at the bottom has a set screw with a square head that can be turned with a quarter inch open end wrench.

Like if you've never used one. Share if you don't know what it is.

The Difference Between Boomers And Millennials

We Boomers didn't have camera phones when we were young so we can still deny the stupidity of our youth.

The Cure For Baldness

Ronald Attacks Japan

The red headed clown,
he learned to grow hair
on Japanese mice he captured while there.
And now he's come back
to launch a new plan
to take back America
and make a new stand.

Wow, who knew when they were talking about making America great again, they were really talking about Ronald McDonald's secret formula to grow new hair? Did the Burger King know? Did he try to stop the clown's diabolical plan? Will the new hair be orange?

Find out as coverage of the Fast Food Wars continues right here at Wackemall Network News. What? Who else is going to tell you, FOX? CBS? In your dreams.

How High's The Water?

Floods of emotion. Floods of rain. Floods of people. Floods of pain. Floods of envy. Floods of greed. Floods of hope filled by floods of need.
Then drought.

Bring Back Al Capone

At least Capone gave to the poor and helped fuel employment during the economic downturn. Today's thugs, outlaws, thieves, and banksters keep it all to themselves.

I Won $600,000 From Facebook!

The end.

How Not To Get Invited To Economic Development Planning

An assistant city manager once invited me down for a presentation on the software they use to do those pre construction economic development studies. I could see he was eager to sell me on the idea that this software could predict the future should new projects be built. During the presentation I pushed the City's IT guy into admitting they can make the outcome of the study become anything they wish it to be. I've not been invited back to any more presentations. I only regret not being able to record our meeting.

Bamboo Basketball Goal

People throw away the strangest things here in Greensboro. Anyway, it can now be found in the lost and found where it will remain for eternity.