Feb 28, 2018

Time Travel Gone Wrong?

The Clock Strikes Back

The future is but a memory
of a past that came to stay,
to harden deep inside our souls,
and haunt us yesterday;
for it comes back tomorrow
and ends some time last night
leaving us with sorrow,
emptiness, and fright.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick...

History Of Wackemall, Part 78: Pablo Picasso

While best known as the painter of many fine works of 
abstract art such as Femme assise (shown right) it is
rarely mentioned that Pablo Picasso was an avid user
of Wackemall.

Picasso, (1881-1973) was a Spanish painter, sculptor, poet and playwright who spent most of his adult life in France. As one of the most influential artists of the 20th century, Picasso is known for co-founding the Cubist movement while under the influence of wackemall, and was often overheard muttering these words as he worked in his studio in Paris:

 "Inspiration exists, but it has to find wackemall."

It is not known if Picasso smoked, drank, or ate the wackemall he consumed but in his later years it was delivered to him by the truck load.

Some say that Picasso was in-fact a distributor for wackemall which at that time was illegal in France, and that it was in the distribution of wackemall from the United States and not art that had made him wealthy.

Others contend that Picasso's use of wackemall contributed to his death at only 92 years of age. While we may never know, the History of Wackemall is filled with stories that sever the ear of traditional history.

Please continue reading  History Of Wackemall, Part 79: Chief Sequoya

Feb 27, 2018

Nobody Listens To Billy

Momma complained about the hole the cats used to get under the house. She had to have it closed up. Why wouldn't I fix that hole? I tried to tell her but no, that hole must be fixed, no excuses.

So I fixed the hole. Nary a single cat can get under the house on a cold winter's night to lie on top of a furnace duct.

And now we have mice.

Guess who gets to bait the traps and carry the dead mice away in the middle of the night? That's right, I do.

Nobody listens to Billy.

Feb 26, 2018

Telephone Calls From Angry Readers

Earlier today a reader called me to express her opinion of the new vehicle I'll be riding to work tomorrow.

Die Trike Die

Here I sit atop this pole
trying to earn a buck,
trying to feed my family,
trying to get unstuck.
Just when I finally find my voice
to express these things I've seen
you ride past on a tricycle--
dammit, you've gone green!

I guess that means parking meters doesn't like the fact that tricycles get free parking.

Get the latest parking meter news right here at.... Well do I really need to tell you?

Feb 25, 2018

Guns In Schools?

Seriously, I'm pro gun but not pro gun nut.

No flood was ever made better by more rain.

Feb 23, 2018

Chemical Weapons In Fast Food?

Embedded behind enemy lines, Wackemall Network News journalist Ched R Bite is reporting on a secret plot to deploy chemical weapons against the King's men as the Fast Food War continues to disrupt our senses.

Pepper Jack Takes A Dive

PieWorks said, "We're not fast food,
we're pizza by design."
"With designs on everything I've got!"
the King was not so kind.
"I'm thinking that it's time for you
to make like shrimp and swim
before I feed you to the alligators
and toss ol' Pepper Jack in."

But PieWorks still had the Blister Sauce
and the King feared he would use it.

Yes Folks, that's right, as crayfish scurry beneath the King's feet, another chain is swung in anger and the Fast Food Wars continue unabated, now with chemical weapons the likes of which fries and fast food warriors have never seen.

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News exclusive coverage of the Fast Food Wars where next time we hear Wendy say, "Wow, that Blister Sauce adds new meaning to hot and juicy!"

Feb 22, 2018

My Little Log Truck

The trailer has 4 wheel brakes and tilt bed with an empty weight of just over 1,000 lbs. The 2 logs weigh roughly 1,000 lbs each.

The trailer deck is just over 40" wide x 12' long, has rub rails, and tie downs capable of handling many times the weight of anything that would ever be loaded on it. Overall length is 18 feet.

And I built it with my own two hands.

Feb 21, 2018

Bread Ties, Part 6, Do Over

Previously Unfinished

"So you're telling me the electrician was electrocuted to death without ever opening the breaker box?" her therapist asked.

"That's right," she answered, her husband nodding in agreement by her side.

"But how?" the therapist asked.

"According to the police," her husband answered, "a charge of electricity came shooting out from the box."

"Like a lightning bolt?" the therapist asked.

"Pretty much," she answered.

"But what about all the bread ties that were on top of him?" the therapist asked. "What was that all about?"

"They were apparently trying to burn their way inside of him," she answered.


"The bread ties apparently like to feed on their human victims," he explained, "using some sort of static charge to start the process before drawing the energy off the burning body."

"How did they figure this out?" the therapist asked.

"It seems," she replied, "we aren't the first to have this problem."

"We're just the first to survive it," her husband added.

"So what about your house? Are you going to be able to move back in?"

"No," she said.

"No way," he agreed.

"Why not?" the therapist asked.

"Because the entire house has been turned into one giant electric circuit." he answered.

"Yeah," she agreed, "and right now, other than burn over a million Dollars in electricity a month, no one knows what it does."

"A million Dollars a month?" the therapist exclaimed.

"Yep," her husband said, "and the power consumption goes up every day."

"Can't they just cut the power off?" the therapist asked.

"They keep trying..." she answered.

"But the bread ties keep rerouting the power," her husband interrupted.

"Well at least the two of you are okay now," the therapist smiled. "I'm happy you're still together. You've been through a lot of stress and trauma so feel free to come back if you need anything. And stay in touch even if you don't need anything."

"Will do," she said as she and her husband got up and walked towards the door.

"We'll be in touch," her husband smiled.

As the therapist closed the door behind them she turned around just in time to see dozens of bread ties wiggling their way into the upholstery of the couch the two of them had been sitting on. "Oh my god!"

Feb 20, 2018

We Are The 99%

Greensboro, NC-- In a surprise announcement, the Occupy Movement has restarted with new and unexpected leadership.

Parking Meters Stand In Solidarity

We stand together, 99,
firmly in the ground.
We're tired of the 1%
pushing us around.
We stand together, pole to pole,
and yes, we'll raise a fuss.
If you don't like it, KMA,
you can ride the bus!

And so it is, another group of downtrodden sufferers, tired of being enslaved and their rights abused, has decided to announce themselves part of the 99% and Occupy Wall Street. Will 2018 be remembered as the Year of the Parking Meter?

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Feb 19, 2018

Two Eagles Talking

"Did you know humans beat their young?"

"Why would they do such a thing?"

"To teach them to be nice to one another."


"Yep, and to keep them from doing things that might cause them pain."

"Okay, now you're joking me, right?"

"Seriously, I'm telling you the truth."

"Liar, liar, wings on fire!"

"No really, they do. It's part of their emotional development."

"Which part?"

"Even they haven't figured that out yet."

Photo via Roger Garber and Eastwood Eagle Watchers.

Continue to observe the superior intellect of  Two Eagles Talking right here at Wackemall.com. Or you can beat your stupid kids until your arm falls off but your kids will still be stupid.

Feb 18, 2018

The Wall That Could Have Changed The World

"So ya
Thought ya
Might like to go to the show.
To feel the warm thrill of confusion
That space cadet glow.
Tell me is something eluding you, sunshine?
Is this not what you expected to see?"

I wasn't supposed to be in Los Angeles in 1980 but the trucking company I worked for couldn't find their preference (an older driver) to take the trip so I guess you could say I got lucky-- so lucky, in fact, that a friend who was living in LA at the time had an extra ticket and a willing young woman to accompany me to the concert.

I wonder what ever happened to her.

We didn't know then that The Wall, later released as a movie in 1982, contained everything our generation-- the Boomers-- needed to be warned of to change the world for the better. And every warning we would chose to ignore:

"If you should go skating
On the thin ice of modern life
Dragging behind you the silent reproach
Of a million tear-stained eyes
Don't be surprised when a crack in the ice
Appears under your feet.
You slip out of your depth and out of your mind..." -Waters
Yes, the ice was thin and we Boomers were still lamenting decades of war, lost fathers, and lost friends:
"Daddy's flown across the ocean
Leaving just a memory
Snapshot in the family album
Daddy what else did you leave for me?
Daddy, what'd'ja leave behind for me?!?" 

But were we to remember the lessons told? Roger Waters remembered the lessons. Rogers had lost his father to war when Roger was only 5 months old. He would go on to build monuments to his father and others who died with him. Sadly, there were others who only wished us pain and suffering.

"When we grew up and went to school
There were certain teachers who would
Hurt the children in any way they could...
...By pouring their derision
Upon anything we did
And exposing every weakness
However carefully hidden by the kids..."

And to think, those were to be the happiest days of our lives. Millions of us learned the chorus of Another Brick In The Wall as it played on radio stations everywhere but did we ever figure out what it was really all about or were a few lines taken out of context all we ever knew?

"We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
Hey! Teachers! Leave them kids alone!
All in all it's just another brick in the wall.
All in all you're just another brick in the wall."

Could it be Roger Waters was yet another prophet too long ignored for his greatest contributions to society, recognized only for him minor achievements? Generations of jaded individuals rejecting decades of mind control are without a doubt going to find everything suspect just as we do today.

And was Roger Waters writing solely about what many believe to be his over protective mother or a society afraid to face its greatest fears when he wrote Mother:

"Hush now baby, baby, don't you cry.
Mother's gonna make all your nightmares come true.
Mother's gonna put all her fears into you.
Mother's gonna keep you right here under her wing.
She wont let you fly, but she might let you sing.
Mama will keep baby cozy and warm.
Ooooh baby ooooh baby oooooh baby,
Of course mama'll help to build the wall."

That's right, Roger Waters was not writing about the tearing down of the Berlin Wall. He was writing of the walls in the making-- our walls, society's walls, some yet to be built. In an interview with Rolling Stone senior editor David Fricke, he was quoted as saying,

"The loss of a father is the central prop on which [The Wall] stands. As the years go by, children lose their fathers again and again, for nothing. You see it now with all these fathers, good men and true, who lost their lives and limbs in Iraq for no reason at all. I've done "Bring The Boys Back Home" in my encore on recent tours. It feels more relevant and poignant to be singing that song now than it did in 1979."

In Goodbye Blue Sky, Waters predicted how our perverted society would run from everything that is good for us:
"Did you see the frightened ones?
Did you hear the falling bombs?
Did you ever wonder why we had to run for shelter when the
promise of a brave new world unfurled beneath a clear blue sky?"
That's exactly what we Baby Boomers have spent our lives doing, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, wasting our entire lifetimes and the world in which we lived. If you are not ashamed you are too stupid to understand.

Don't believe me? Really? How is this for proof? From the next song on the album, backwards lyrics spoken by Roger Waters himself:

"Congratulations, You have just discovered the secret message.
Please send your answer to 'Old Pink',
Care of the funny farm, Chalfont..."

That's right, the song is Empty Spaces, I'm right again. I'm laughing my ass off at all you non believers now as I'm actually reading the lyrics for the first time as I write this piece.

When David Gilmour joins Roger Waters in writing Young Lust we begin to see how the stresses of society play upon marriage.

"Oh, He hung up! That's your residence, right? I wonder why he hung up?
Is there supposed to be someone else there besides your wife there to answer?"

Sad, I know. And to think, religion hasn't managed to change a thing in the almost 40 years since. Ask any right leaning, religious person and they'll tell you the world is only getting worse. Of course he or she will also try to place at least part of the blame on Rock musicians whose lyrics they never read. You know, like Rogers and Gilmour.

In One Of My Turns, Rogers alludes to the predators we all fear:

"In the suitcase on the left
You'll find my favorite axe.
Don't look so frightened
This is just a passing phase,
One of my bad days."

But we don't remember that part. Instead we might remember Don't Leave Me Now:

"How could you go?
When you know how I need you
To beat to a pulp on a Saturday night
Ooooh Babe.
How could you treat me this way?
Running away.
I need you, Babe.
Why are you running away?
Oooooh Babe!"

Or could it be that most of us simply never paid attention until the Me Too movement started not long ago? Have no doubt, we were warned. And it doesn't end when Roger Waters says Goodbye Cruel World:

"Goodbye, all you people,
There's nothing you can say
To make me change my mind.

No, it didn't end. As Waters shows us in Hey You, everything was about to get worse and we never paid attention:

"But it was only fantasy.
The wall was too high,
As you can see.
No matter how he tried,
He could not break free.
And the worms ate into his brain.

Hey you, standing in the road
always doing what you're told,
Can you help me?
Hey you, out there beyond the wall,
Breaking bottles in the hall,
Can you help me?
Hey you, don't tell me there's no hope at all
Together we stand, divided we fall."

And fall we did-- an entire generation and those who follow in our footsteps. Waters cried,

"Is there anybody out there?"

But there was Nobody Home.

"I've got the obligatory Hendrix perm.
And the inevitable pinhole burns
All down the front of my favorite satin shirt.
I've got nicotine stains on my fingers.
I've got a silver spoon on a chain.
I've got a grand piano to prop up my mortal remains."
In Vera he wrote in angst of those we've since forgotten

"What has become of you?
Does anybody else here
Feel the way I do?"

You know, like the girl who watched the concert with me-- the girl whose name I can't remember but whose touch I'll never forget. She knew what she was getting into. I was only in Los Angeles for one night. I was single, she was single, I guess it was okay. Rogers continues:

"Bring the boys back home.
Bring the boys back home.
Don't leave the children on their own, no, no.
Bring the boys back home."

He knew first hand what was happening to society. He'd grown up without his father just 13 years before me.

We tend to look at prophets as those who can predict the future but I like to think that most prophets don't so much predict the future as they correctly interpret the current events of their times and draw out the logical conclusions to which those events will lead. This is made quite apparent in Comfortably Numb where Waters writes:

"There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb."
So it was, as a generation we Baby Boomers turned to drugs, alcohol, money, religion, and power as the means to numb ourselves to what was happening right in front of our noses. And when something came along we simply couldn't ignore-- like a school shooting or another senseless war we had no business being involved in-- we did exactly as we had been taught-- blame it on someone else. Always someone else.

But the show must go on, and despite the failings of generations, Waters and Pink Floyd knew we'd all soon forget everything we'd been told

"Ooooh, Ma, Ooooh Pa,
Where has the feeling gone?
Ooooh, Ma, Ooooh Pa,
Will I remember the songs?
The show must go on."

those who were different would be called out in the flesh,

"Are there any queers in the theater tonight?
Get them up against the wall!
There's one in the spotlight, he don't look right to me,
Get him up against the wall!
That one looks Jewish!
And that one's a coon!
Who let all of this riff-raff into the room?
There's one smoking a joint,
And another with spots!
If I had my way,
I'd have all of you shot!"

forcing even the heterosexual white kids to run like hell:

"And if you're taking your girlfriend
Out tonight
You'd better park the car
Well out of sight.
Cause if they catch you in the back seat
Trying to pick her locks,
They're gonna send you back to mother
In a cardboard box.
You better run."

because soon we'd all be waiting for worms, the result of the actions of the black shirted Fascists who rule our world today just as Roger Waters knew was happening in Britannia and the rest of the west all those years ago.

"Waiting to cut out the deadwood.
Waiting to clean up the city.
Waiting to follow the worms.
Waiting to put on a black shirt.
Waiting to weed out the weaklings.
Waiting to smash in their windows
And kick in their doors.
Waiting for the final solution
To strengthen the strain.
Waiting to follow the worms.
Waiting to turn on the showers
And fire the ovens.
Waiting for the queens and the coons
and the reds and the jews.
Waiting to follow the worms.

Would you like to see Britannia
Rule again, my friend?
All you have to do is follow the worms.
Would you like to send our colored cousins
Home again, my friend?

All you need to do is follow the worms"

And those who tried to stop would be found guilty,

"But I'm waiting in this cell
Because I have to know.
Have I been guilty all this time?"

leading Roger Waters and Bob Ezrin to to write The Trial in which they point out how once again the blame is always shifted to someone else,

"The prisoner who now stands before you
Was caught red-handed showing feelings
Showing feelings of an almost human nature;
This will not do.
Call the schoolmaster!

I always said he'd come to no good
In the end your honor.
If they'd let me have my way I could
Have flayed him into shape.
But my hands were tied,
The bleeding hearts and artists
Let him get away with murder.
Let me hammer him today?"

In the end there were a few of us who knew right from wrong, who still cared, who bravely tried to do what we could. But as Roger Waters knew almost forty years ago when he concluded with Outside The Wall:
"And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall.

"Isn't this where...."

Feb 17, 2018

Bread Ties, Part 5, Charged

Previously Unfinished

"You must know lots of shady people." she said.

"What are you talking about?" her husband asked.

"You've managed to put together this great big plot to gaslight me, to convince me I'm crazy, to drive me out of the house just so you want have to honor our agreement." she answered. "Only the lowest of the low would help a man do something like that. How much are you willing to spend before you give up because I'll see to it you spend every dime before I walk out those doors."

"Just as I would expect you do do." he said.

"So why are you doing it?" she asked.

"I'm not," he insisted.

"So you're saying this $900,000 Dollar power bill we got from the electric company is right?" she asked.

He stared in silence for a few moments before asking, "Did you really just say 900,000?

"I sure did," she said as she handed him the bill for the previous month's electric usage.

"For one month?" he asked as he took the bill from her hand.

"That's what it says."

"But they installed a new meter."

"They said there was nothing wrong with the old meter," she added.

"I'm calling an electrician," he said.

"Is this part of your plan too?" she angrily asked as he walked out of the room.

"It's part of my plan to lower our electric bill," he answered.

A couple of days later an electrician arrived early to start checking the house to determine the cause of the excessive electrical consumption. "I'll be honest," the electrician told her, "I have never seen a house that uses as much electricity as this house is using."

"What do you think it is?" she asked.

"I'll know by the time I'm finished," he answered.

"Could it be you're just part of the scam as well?" she asked.

"I beg your pardon?" he asked.

"Never mind," she smarted, "we'll all know sooner or later."

When her husband came home he asked, "Has the electrician told you anything? I see his van is still parked in the driveway."

"Really," she said, "I thought he left hours ago. I haven't heard a peep out of him since he went down into the basement this morning."

"I'll go find him," her husband said as he walked towards the basement stairs and she followed behind him. "Oh shit!" her husband exclaimed as he walked to the bottom of the stairs only to find the electrician lying dead on the floor covered in bread ties.

"Is he dead?" she asked.

"He's not breathing."

"I'll call 911," she said reaching for her phone.

Please continue reading Part 6, Do Over

Feb 16, 2018

Fast Food On Choppers?

Ronald McDonald Takes The Fall

Tasty Freeze was in the breeze,
he had to warn the King.
The fries were marching in protest
and they all refused to sing.
Around a curve, he lost his nerve
and his moped, it spun 'round
crashing through the drive-thru
and taking out the clown.

What's this, more obscure reporting from the Fast Food Wars? Or just another day at the motorcycle races? Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates.

Feb 15, 2018

Scantily Clad Parking Meters, Oh My!

Greensboro, NC-- Downtown Greensboro is abuzz this week with the latest in a long string of downtown controversies.

Look But Don't Touch

"You know you adore me," the meter replied.
"I can tell you are dying to see what I hide.
But just you forget it, I'll not give it up.
Just give me your money and think that enough."

Today's parking meter poem was made possible by the Greensboro Grasshoppers.

Feb 14, 2018

Bread Ties, Part 4, Busted

Previously Unfinished

"As far as I can tell you're perfectly sane," her therapist told her. "You're just under a lot of stress right now. Did you collect the bread ties like we planned?"

"I did," she answered.

"Great," the therapist said, "how many did you collect?"

"Thousands upon thousands," she answered.

"Did you bring them?" her therapist asked. "Are they in your car?"


"Why not?"

"When I went to get them the top was unscrewed from the jar," she explained. "and most of them were gone."

"Someone found them?" her therapist exclaimed.

"I guess," she replied, "most of them. But a few of them were forming a chain over the top on the jar and down the outside."

"You mean like they were helping each other escape?" her therapist asked.

"Like someone wanted to make it look like they were helping each other escape," she explained.

"Someone is sure going through a whole lot of trouble," her therapist added.

"My husband is going through a whole lot of trouble," she empathized.

"But how do you know it's him?" the therapist asked. "He wasn't even there when your whole house got covered up."

"No," she agreed, "but you can bet he paid someone to do it."

When she arrived home she noticed a black SUV parked across the street. As she got out of her and walked to the door car a man got out of the SUV, displayed a badge, and said, "Ma'am, I've got a warrant to search your home. Would you please put your hands on top of your head."

"Search my home," she questioned, "for what?" But before he could answer a half dozen SUVs and police cars came driving up to her home and into her driveway. "Let me call my husband," she demanded.

"You'll get your chance," the officer said. "But first give me your house keys and tell me your alarm code so my men don't have to bust your beautiful doors down."

"I will not," she shouted.

"Have at it, Boys," the officer shouted as several armored officers with a battering ram ran towards her door. "The lady wants us to do things the hard way."

"Wait, wait," she shouted, "those doors are made of imported mahogany. My husband ordered them special for me."

"I thought you'd change your mind," the officer laughed as she handed him her keys. "If someone bought me mahogany doors I'd take good care of them too."

The officers spent hours searching every room of the house, the basements, attics, crawl spaces, every cabinet, closet, nook and cranny only to find nothing but a few bread ties here and there.

Before they finished her husband arrived and later a technician from the local electric utility company came out and replaced their digital electric meter with a newer one. "This might be what caused it," the technician said. "We won't know until they get it back to the lab and open it up. Probably take a couple of weeks to get the results."

"You mean you searched our home and terrified my wife for hours because of a bad electric meter," her husband scolded the police officer.

"I'm sorry, Sir," the officer apologized. "Usually when the power company informs us that a residential property suddenly starts using such large amounts of electricity it's because someone is running a drug lab in the house."

"Think of it this way," another officer said, "just think how much money we saved you on your power bill." Everyone just stared at him. "Or not."

"Sir," the first officer asked, "maybe this isn't the best time but can you tell us what it is with all the bread ties stuck back all over the house?"

"If you can figure that out," her husband answered, "she just might forgive you."

As the last of the police officers drove away she looked at him and said, "That must have cost you a fortune to pull off."

Please continue reading Part 5, Charged

American Zenith

The American and world wide marketing and public relations industry has reached its zenith. Marketers are now able to make more money promoting ideas than can be made from achieving the ideas themselves.

It's all downhill from here.

Feb 13, 2018

Bread Ties, Part 3, Swept Away

Previously Unfinished

He had been the top broker with his firm for ten years in a row and had been asked to help train other brokers at this year's annual training and awards convention in New York. She decided to go along so that she might take in some of the sights and do some shopping.

Their flight went well as did the limo ride and check in to their hotel suite. She was amazed at how nicely appointed their rooms turned out to be.

When they walked into their suite he immediately excused himself to the bathroom and she began unpacking a few things from their luggage. Then she walked into the bathroom only to discover a couple of bread ties lying on the bathroom floor. "Did you put those in here?" she asked.

"Did I put what in there?" he asked as he walked back into the bathroom.

"Those," she said, pointing at the bread ties in the middle of the bathroom floor.

"They weren't there when I was in there," he said.

"Stop it," she shouted. "Just stop it!"

"Stop what?" he asked.

"You know," she started crying, "trying to drive me crazy."

"I'm not trying to drive you crazy," he argued. "I told you I didn't put those there."

"Well who did?" she asked.

"I don't know," he answered. "Maybe the housekeeping staff failed to get them up when they cleaned the room."

"But you said they weren't there when you were in there."

"Maybe they were and I didn't see them," he replied. "Honey, this isn't like you, starting a fight over a couple of bread ties-- you don't act like that."

"You're right," she cried, "I'm sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me lately."

"Are you still seeing that therapist?" he asked. "If you want we can find someone else?"

"My therapist is fine," she answered, drying the tears from her eyes. "I still go every week."

"Remember," he said reaching to take her hand, "it's not like we're hurting for money. If you need anything I'll gladly pay for it."

"I know," she smiled as she pulled him close. "Thank you for being there for me."

All went well for the rest of the weekend. She spent her days as she had planned, shopping and sight seeing while he trained the other brokers. Each night there was a banquet with lots of speakers, awards, and spotlights shining on those who got the awards. She actually enjoyed being in the spotlight with him even if his fame would never be known beyond brokerage circles.

On their last night there she was feeling quite giddy, perhaps from the alcohol and perhaps from just having some time away from home. She had no qualms about be receptive to his advances that night. As a matter of fact, she could hardly wait to get him alone in their luxurious suite.

They had been making love just a minute or so when she moved her hand to the back of his neck. "What's this?" she asked.

"What's what?" he mumbled, continuing to make love to her.

"Stop," she demanded. "Let me see the back of your neck. What is this?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said as he turned his head so that she could see the back of his neck."

"Oh my god!" she shouted.

"What is it?" he asked.

"It's a bread tie sticking out of the back of your neck!" she exclaimed.

"It can't be," he said, "Pull it out so I can see it. Ouch, that hurt!"

"You said pull it out," she said, showing him the bread tie with blood on one end. "Didn't it hurt when you poked it in your neck?"

"I didn't poke that thing in my neck," he said. "I didn't even know it was there."

When they arrived back home the next day he dropped her off and drove to the office to begin catching up on some of the work and customer calls he'd missed while out of town. She walked inside the house, closed the door behind her, walked through the foyer and looked to see bread ties scattered all over the house.

She went to get her broom.

Please continue reading Part 4, Busted

From Buffalo With Love

Buffalo, NY-- Stay tuned as Wackemall Network News local correspondent Chic N Filet reports live from the western front on the latest turn of events in the Fast Food Wars:

Hot Wings

"What are these things, these hateful things?"
The King was heard to shout.
"They make a mess of all that rests
and fight in flight, no doubt!
They'll be no more, I'm declaring war
on every single one.
Call Angry Whopper, bring him here
armed with his biggest guns!"

Live coverage of the war will continue as soon as I get a bite!

Feb 12, 2018

Bread Ties, Part 2: Gaslighting

Previously Unfinished

 "I think he's gaslighting me," she said to her therapist.

"Why do you think he would gaslight you?" her therapist asked.

"He wants to get rid of me," she answered.

"Why would he want to get rid of you?"

"To get a younger woman," she answered. "I see him looking when we go out."

"Just because he looks doesn't mean he's planning something," her therapist replied. "Lots of men look but never touch."

"I don't know," she said.

"Wouldn't he just ask you for a divorce?" her therapist asked.

"We signed a rock solid prenuptial contract," she answered, "I'd get everything he has and everything he is ever going to have."

"So you think he's trying to push you into suicide or something to get rid of you?" her therapist searched for clarification.

"That's exactly what I think."

"By leaving bread ties on the floor?" her therapist exclaimed.

"What else could it be?" she asked. "No one has been to the grocery store or bakery for months. All we do is eat out. There's no bread in our house and yet every day I sweep up five or six bread ties and put them in the trash."

"Okay," her therapist suggested, "here's what you do. Start collecting all the bread ties you sweep up and put them in a big jar, and screw the top on."

"What good will that do?" she asked.

"If what you think is happening you're going to need evidence," the therapist replied. "Hide the jar somewhere no one will ever find it and keep collecting them until I tell you to bring them to me."

"Okay," she smiled her first real smile in weeks, "I see where you're going with this. I'll do it."

And so she began collecting five or six bread ties from the floor of her home every day. On some days there were even more. She made it a point to no longer mention it to her husband and try to act as if it wasn't happening, all the while, placing the multi-colored bread ties in the big jar and hiding them away.

One night she awoke with a scream. "What's wrong?" he asked, turning on the light.

"I felt something crawling up my leg," she trembled as she threw back the covers only to discover a bread tie lying where she had been on the bed. "Trying to step it up a notch?" she asked.

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"You know what I'm talking about," she complained. "I certainly didn't put that bread tie on the bed."

"It probably got caught in your gown as you walked to the kitchen and back to get a drink of water," he explained. "Why would I put it in the bed?"

"To make me think I'm crazy!" she shouted as she ran from the bedroom holding back the tears.

Please continue reading Part 3, Swept Away

Feb 11, 2018

Bread Ties, Part 1, Unfinished

"You plan on leaving that bread tie on the floor?" he asked.

"I'll get it up in the morning when I sweep," she answered.

"You know they multiply," he said, "it's already been there all day, it will be laying eggs soon."

"Okay," she laughed as she reached down to pick it up, "I got it, happy now?"

"Let's just hope it hadn't mated before it got loose."

"That's enough," she said.


The next morning he walked into the kitchen. "Too late," he shouted, "there's six of them on the floor."

"Six of what?" she asked as she followed him into the kitchen. "How did those get there?"

"I told you they multiply," he answered.

"No they don't," she said as she reached for the broom, "you're just being silly."

"Whatever you say, Dear. It's your dream house, I just make the payments."

"And you'll keep making them," she laughed.

"And taking you out to dinner, and expensive vacations, and buying you anything you want just like I've always done even if you do drop the bread ties on the floor."

At dinner one night weeks later he noticed she was unusually quiet. "Something bothering you he asked?"

"Bread ties." she answered.

"What about them?" he asked.

"Every day I sweep up five or six bread ties." she answered.

"How can that be?" he asked, "We dine out almost every meal."

"I thought maybe you were putting them there," she said.

"Why would I do that?"

"Some kind of joke?" she asked. "I donno."

"Honey, I promise you I am not putting five or six bread ties on the floor every day," he assured her.

"Do you think it's really possible they multiply?" she asked.

"No way," he said, "Now that was just a joke."

"You're not bringing them home from work are you?"

"Honey," he smiled, "I'm a stock broker. We don't even have wires on our phones anymore. Where would I get them?"

"Do you think I'm crazy?" she asked.

"You married me," he grinned.

"That's not what I mean," she frowned.

"You want me to take you to see someone?" he asked.

"I donno," she answered.

Please continue reading Part 2: Gaslighting

Feb 10, 2018

History Of Wackemall, Part 77: Friedrich Nietzsche

It was in researching one of the earliest drafts of Thus Spoke Zarathustra, that researchers from Wackemall University recently discovered the following quote thought to have been written by German  philosopher, cultural critic, composer, poet, philologist, and scholar, Friedrich Nietzsche:

“you must be ready to burn yourself in your own wackemall;
how could you rise anew if you have not first become ashes?”

While remembered as the developer of influential concepts such as the √úbermensch and the doctrine of eternal return, until now, there has been no known connection to Nietzsche and wackemall which was scarce in Germany in Nietzsche's time. (1844-1900)

Also discovered on a ragged piece of paper that had apparently fallen through a crack in the floor of Nietzsche's home was the following:

"Hence the ways of men part: if you wish to strive for peace of soul and pleasure, then believe; if you wish to be a devotee of truth, then wackemall..."

Amazingly, the use of the word wackemall as a verb was previously unknown before the 20th century.

We may never know the entire story, the whole truth, nothing but the truth, but History of Wackemall is replete with instances where scientists and historians agree we don't yet know it all.

Please continue reading History Of Wackemall, Part 78: Pablo Picasso

Feb 9, 2018

The Care And Feeding Of Your Pet Parking Meter

My Favorite Foods

A nickel, a dime,
a quarter is fine;
the more you put in
the longer the time.
But don't feed me pennies,
I don't like their taste
for when I eat pennies
your money you waste.

Feb 7, 2018

Two Eagles Talking

"Did you know they have more than one government?"

"No, how is that possible?"

"Every community, village, and tribe insists on having their own local governments as well."

"But if they have a national government then what do the local governments do?"

"Mostly the local governments figure out new ways to screw them."

Photo credit: Woodrow Dawson, via the Eagle Foundation.

Get the latest Two Eagles Talking right here at Wackemall Media, Mining, Manufacturing, Farming & Transportation... Wackemall.com.... Or you could wait on the Greensboro City Council to stop screwing you.

Feb 6, 2018

What Is It?

It's made of ferrous metal, roughly 2" in overall length, and at the bottom has a set screw with a square head that can be turned with a quarter inch open end wrench.

Like if you've never used one. Share if you don't know what it is.

Feb 5, 2018

The Difference Between Boomers And Millennials

We Boomers didn't have camera phones when we were young so we can still deny the stupidity of our youth.

The Cure For Baldness

Ronald Attacks Japan

The red headed clown,
he learned to grow hair
on Japanese mice he captured while there.
And now he's come back
to launch a new plan
to take back America
and make a new stand.

Wow, who knew when they were talking about making America great again, they were really talking about Ronald McDonald's secret formula to grow new hair? Did the Burger King know? Did he try to stop the clown's diabolical plan? Will the new hair be orange?

Find out as coverage of the Fast Food Wars continues right here at Wackemall Network News. What? Who else is going to tell you, FOX? CBS? In your dreams.

Feb 4, 2018

How High's The Water?


Floods of emotion.
Floods of rain.
Floods of people.
Floods of pain.
Floods of envy.
Floods of greed.
Floods of hope filled by
floods of need.

Then drought.

Feb 3, 2018

Bring Back Al Capone

At least Capone gave to the poor and helped fuel employment during the economic downturn. Today's thugs, outlaws, thieves, and banksters keep it all to themselves.

Feb 2, 2018

I Won $600,000 From Facebook!

The end.

How Not To Get Invited To Economic Development Planning

An assistant city manager once invited me down for a presentation on the software they use to do those pre construction economic development studies. I could see he was eager to sell me on the idea that this software could predict the future should new projects be built. During the presentation I pushed the City's IT guy into admitting they can make the outcome of the study become anything they wish it to be. I've not been invited back to any more presentations. I only regret not being able to record our meeting.

Feb 1, 2018

Bamboo Basketball Goal

People throw away the strangest things here in Greensboro. Anyway, it can now be found in the lost and found where it will remain for eternity.