Dec 31, 2017


You never realize how attached you've become to body parts until they're gone. Attachments are like that.


Dec 30, 2017

Why We Forget Sometimes

Never feel guilty about not being able to remember. Forgetfulness can often be attributed to survival instinct as some things are best forgotten. Other things are forgotten so that we might live them again as if we had never experienced them before.

Dec 27, 2017

War On City Streets

Biscuitville-- Residents of the tiny Kingdom of Biscuitville, who for decades has remained neutral in the Fast Food Wars, woke up this morning to find themselves under attack by Vegans loyal to the Red Headed Clown.

McVegan Goes To War

Soy burgers marched the streets.
There was none who could save them.
The Red Headed Clown would not back down
McVegans, they would trample
all who stood to block their way
or just refuse to sample.

Will the peaceful kingdom of Biscuitville be rolled over like biscuit dough under the Master Biscuit Maker's rolling pen? Will Biscuitville deploy the nuclear option with their new High Protein menu items? Tune in next time when we hear the old Master Biscuit Maker sing,

"The biscuits in the army,
they say are mighty fine,
but one rolled off the table
and killed a pal of mine..."

And the Hamburgler sings,

"It's the end of the world as you know it..." Hey Boss, this isn't what I signed up for."

And the Red Headed Clown sings,

"...I feel fine..."

What? You're expecting this to make sense? When did war ever make sense? War is comedy that kills.

Dec 26, 2017

Parking As An Art Form?

Poor, poor meter...


When Will Terrorism End?

What we call terrorism has always gone on. What has changed are the weapons, causes, and our ability to know of the incidents all over the world just seconds after they happen. What will end this thing we now call terrorism? The end of humanity should suffice.

Our ability to commit acts of terrorism is one of the negatives that separate humans from animals.

After all, should just one Adam and one Eve survive, humanity will start the process all over again.

It's what we do.

Dec 25, 2017

Dec 23, 2017

Main Stream Media Slants War Coverage!

I'll Be Back

The Colonel went to China.
He conquered Ronald there.
The King could only whimper,
cry out, "This isn't fair!"
The MSG is flowing
through the veins of Asian men
while all the while we're knowing
Ronald will be back again.

And you thought my fast food poetry was just a joke. While the Main Stream Media slants the stories of the Fast Food Wars, I give you the rest of the story.

Dec 22, 2017

Jingle Bells?

When I was a kid we used to sing several parodies of the holiday classic, Jingle Bells. I can’t remember exactly how any of them went and most were incomplete so I decided to write my own parody using parts I could remember. I hope you enjoy this version of Jingle Bells.

Dashing through the snow
in a stolen Chevrolet,
over the fields we go.
Cops are on the way.
Engine starts to skip,
smoke is outta sight
and if we end up walking
steal another car tonight!

Oh, jingle bells, shotgun shells,
rabbits all the way.
Oh what fun it is to ride
in Grandmaw’s Chevrolet, hey!
Jingle bells, shotgun shells,
cops are on the way.
Oh what fun it is to ride
in a stolen Chevrolet.

Shootin’ all the signs,
knock that mailbox down,
down another six-pack
while the cops chase us around.
Burnin’ off the tires,
runnin’ all the lights.
Oh what fun it is to ride
in a stolen car tonight!

Lots of pretty lights,
there’s a road block up ahead.
Slow this Chevy down
or we’ll all end up dead!
Dialin’ up the phone,
tell Daddy I’m in jail.
Dad shouts, “Son, you’ll die in jail
before I go your bail!”

Oh, Jingle bells...

Hey, I can't change the fact that I grew-up in a tough neighborhood... Batman smells, Robin laid an egg...

Dec 20, 2017

When All Isn't As It Appears

Many years ago I attended a corporate convention in Ohio. It was a night of heavy drinking for everyone and when I walked into the men's room I discovered the vice president of the company leaning up against the wall. "Billy," he asked in a very drunken tone, "Is my dick hanging out?"

"No, Sir" I answered, "You're all zipped up. Everything is fine."

"Shit," he moaned, "that's what I was afraid of."

Dec 19, 2017

Gas, Grass Or Ass, Nobody Parks For Free

Where Would You Like To Park?

Park it here, park it there--
anywhere, I don't care.
Just make sure you've change to pay
or you'll regret you parked today.

I guess even parking meters have a seedy side not everyone should see.

Dec 18, 2017

All The Toys

Imagine a world in which all the money in the world totaled 100 Pennies and one man held 99 of those pennies while everyone else struggled for a piece of that one Penny left in circulation. That man would control the world. This is the world economic system as it exists today. For the man with 99 Pennies it isn't about getting more pennies, it is only about keeping control of the world.

The winner won't be who dies with the most toys, the winner will be who dies with all the toys.

Dec 16, 2017

Fighting Obesity One Fry At A Time

Wackemall Network News journalist, Burger N Fries is reporting that people everywhere are rising up, demanding an end to the Happy Meal as childhood obesity rates continue to increase in first world countries.

Goodbye Happy Meal

The people cried,
steer clear our kids,
stop stealing them away.
Wendy screamed defiantly,
"It's something I never did!"
Ronald pointed nervously,
"The King, he made me do it!
It cannot my fault!"
But his subjects knew
the false and true,
and all would be for naught.

Will the people rise up and bring an end to the bloody, grease laden Fast Food War? Tune in next time when we hear Roy Rogers sing, "Happy Meals to you until we meet again..."

Dec 15, 2017

Bisexual Prostitutes Line Downtown City Streets

Greensboro, NC-- As if gangs, drugs and a blind city council oblivious to all that is wrong with our "fair" city weren't enough problems we now have long lines of bisexual prostitutes greeting all who visit downtown businesses no matter what their age, eight to eighty, blind, crippled or crazy. Is there no end to how far our city will fall?

Red Light Parking Meter

"Don't call me a hooker when you're parked at my feet.
I'll slap you so silly you'll run down the street.
I'll keep you in bondage, my boot on your wheel,
and before it's all over, my name you will squeal!

Now put it in my slot and shut up!"

What evil lurks in the hearts of parking meters? The city knows.

Dec 13, 2017

Definition of Overgrazing

Only the well-to-do move to greener pastures-- the poor just move to yet another over grazed field.


Fast Food Love Affairs Gone Wrong

Queen Of Hearts

The Dairy Queen was jilted,
her crown jewels laid to waste.
The Burger King had took it all
saying he wanted but a taste.
She's met him at a Dilly Bar,
her frozen heart, he'd melt.
When he filled her with his Buster Bar.
Her hand, it had been dealt.

'Twas when she learned of Wendy
and the wild nights they had known.
How Wendy did just what he liked
and licked his waffle cone.
With tear filled eyes she cursed him
and plotted her revenge;
she'd bind his hands with onion rings
dump him out at Dick's Drive-in.

Remember, all is fair in love and fast food wars. Tune in next time when we hear Ronald say, "Two all beef patties, special sauce, special sauce, special sauce, special..." Well, you know...

Dec 12, 2017

When The Need Arises

As is sometimes the case I got out of bed this morning and walked to the bathroom to exercise my need to sit on the throne. I don't know, maybe it was the refried beans I had for dinner last night but I had to go in a hurry.

Everything was coming out just fine when suddenly I realized my entire extended family, my friends, and many of their friends were all in the bathroom with me. And while I was seated on the throne with my underwear around my ankles, they were all seated around a huge dining table enjoying a meal.

I thought this to be especially odd as my bathroom is not unlike most American bathrooms built in the 1950s-- just big enough to contain the sink, tub, toilet, and a small linen cabinet. Even stranger was that none of my "guests" seemed to notice I was pooping in the same room where they were eating. As a matter of fact, it seemed as if they didn't know I was there. And I thought I'd like to keep it that way.

I decided I would very quietly pull up my underwear remaining seated for as long as possible, and then do my best to slip out of the room undetected, my manhood unexposed so that none of the ladies or children might become upset. But when I attempted to pull up my underwear I discovered my Haynes had shrunken to the point that I was unable to pull them beyond my knees.

I wasn't feeling good all under...

It was then I awoke from my dream feeling the overwhelming urge to rush to the bathroom to exercise my need to sit on the throne. I don't know, maybe it was the refried beans I had for dinner last night but I had to go in a hurry. But this time, when I closed the bathroom door behind me I did something I haven't thought to do in years.

I locked the bathroom door.

You Get What You Deserve

The End

A tattered alliance gathered about.
"Give us our freedom!" we all heard them shout.
They all stood behind a man brave and strong,
who they knew would not leave them, not do them wrong.
But off in the distance, a bird, it did sing
of wealth, and money, and shiny new things;
so off they all went to leave him to fight,
alone the battles, they feared in the night.

But the bird, they'd not capture, it flew far too fast.
Each time they drew near it would fly from their grasp.
They cried to their hero, "Come help catch this bird!"
But he only stared, not hearing a word.
When finally they caught it, no treasures it had.
Their hearts were all broken, lost and cold, they were sad.
They cried to their hero but he was long gone,
died in the battles left to fight alone.

Dec 11, 2017

History Of Wackemall, Part 76: Francisco Goya

From Wikipedia:

"Francisco José de Goya y Lucientes [A] (/ˈɡɔɪə/; Spanish: [fɾanˈθisko xoˈse ðe ˈɣoʝa i luˈθjentes]; 30 March 1746 – 16 April 1828) was a Spanish romantic painter and printmaker. He is considered the most important Spanish artist of late 18th and early 19th centuries and throughout his long career was a commentator and chronicler of his era. Immensely successful in his lifetime, Goya is often referred to as both the last of the Old Masters and the first of the moderns. He was also one of the great contemporary portraitists."

Little is known about the thoughts of Francisco Goya. While much of his work survives including his famous, The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters shown here, little is known about Goya himself.

His later years were spent living alone, painting on the walls of his house where he was disillusioned by political and social developments in Spain. Much of what became known as the Black Paintings were lost or painted over as the plaster walls of the Quinta del Sordo became his only canvas.

Among those painted over masterpieces by Goya is believed to be another painting entitled, The Sleep of Wackemall Produces Monsters in which Goya blames many of Spain's problems on the fact that only the rich were allowed access to Wackemall in the late 1700s and early 1800s despite the fact that Spain was a major world exporter of Wackemall at the time.

Researchers from Wackemall University are petitioning the government of Spain and the City of Madrid for permission to excavate the site where Quinta del Sordo once stood in order to find remnants of  The Sleep of Wackemall Produces Monsters but thus far Spanish Government Officials have been resistant to our efforts to learn the truth.

Will the History of Wackemall finally revel history as it really is? Is Goya cheese? That is a question only the future can know.

Please continue reading
History Of Wackemall, Part 77: Friedrich Nietzsche

Dec 10, 2017

Fast Foot Tweeters

Undisclosed Location-- Somewhere under a bun, deep behind enemy lines, WNN journalist, Burger N Fries brings us the latest details of violations of the Holidaze cease fire agreement as the Fast Food Wars continue.

Tweeted To Death

McRib filled his kidpac with Holidaze treats,
said, "I'm off to Fudruckers, this will be sweet.
I'm taking Chowbotics to cut them all down,
flame grill their minions and push them around."
So while they are banned in the nice parts of town,
Red and her cronies, they still cut us down.

Meanwhile Quiznos prepares their newest secret weapon, the App, while customers wonder what ever happened to good, fast food and friendly service with a smile?

Parking Meter Poetry Finally Comes 'Round

Parking Karma

You ride around, around the block
scheming how to get 'round the Dharma
then cry, "It's really not my fault
I have to park my karma!"
But circle 'round, around the block
avoid me as long as you can,
but Dogma barks, you have to stop
so give up on your plan.

Will parking meters someday rule the world? Could the puns be any worse? Will Parking Meter Poetry ever become a hit? Yeah, I know, that's asking a lot of Karma and probably against the Dharma.

Dec 8, 2017

Two Eagles Talking

"Did you know people catch fish too?"

"Really, how do they do it?"

"With poles, lines, and hooks they cast from boats or from on the bank."

"How's that work for them? Is it better than swooping down into the water and grabbing fish with our talons?"

"Probably not but it works pretty good once they get the hang of it. But it's less expensive if they just go buy their fish at the market."

"So why do they do it?"

"They call it sport."

"Sport? But catching fish is our jobs!"

Watch as humans continue to endanger the jobs of eagles worldwide right here at Two Eagles Talking,  a service of

Photo via Roger Garber and Eastwood Eagle Watchers.

Dec 6, 2017

Until The Final Battle Is Lost

The warrior who fights a thousand battles without ever showing fear, but in the end, turns and runs, will be forever remembered as the coward.

Dec 5, 2017

History Of Wackemall, Part 75: Franklin D Roosevelt

It was during his Second Inaugural Address on Wednesday, January 20, 1937, that President Franklin D Roosevelt addressed the nation via noisy AM radio to thousands of listeners when he spoke these words:

"It is not in despair that I paint you that picture. I paint it for you in hope—because the Nation, seeing and understanding the injustice in it, proposes to paint it out. We are determined to make every American citizen the subject of his country's interest and concern; and we will never regard any faithful law-abiding group within our borders as superfluous. The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough (crackling sounds) for those who have too little."

But what most believed to be simple electrical interference with the radio signal may well have been an attempt to censor the President's speech from the American public and the world.

The following text was found by researchers from Wackemall University who played back those old recordings using the most up to date technology available to filter out interference and background noise.

"It is not in despair that I paint you that picture. I paint it for you in hope—because the Nation, seeing and understanding the injustice in it, proposes to paint it out. We are determined to make every American citizen the subject of his country's interest and concern; and we will never regard any faithful law-abiding group within our borders as superfluous. The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough wackemall for those who have too little."

While it is known that several White House staffers and possibly members of Congress would have had access to the text of President  Roosevelt's Second Inaugural Address, it is not known who, or why the speech would be altered, except to say that time and time again Wackemall has been hidden from the public.

As a matter of fact, this is probably the first time you've ever heard of Wackemall and  Check us out and see what they've been keeping from you for all these years.

The History of Wackemall is filled with many strange turns that take us where we never thought history would go, and demonstrates how Wackemall has been kept hidden from the working classes for centuries despite being well known to scholars, politicians, and men of wealth. 

It's time you demanded you get the Wackemall that's coming to you and continued reading History Of Wackemall, Part 76: Francisco Goya

Dec 4, 2017

We've All Been There

Say what you like, put them down and point your finger at anyone you like-- we've all been there, we are all to blame for the Fast Food War. And only we can bring it to an end. Whirled peas?

Cheese-steak Mistake

Tony Luke came from Philly
putting on an act
To get a piece of the red headed clown
should Ronald turn his back.
Burger King, he laughed, "They're frozen.
No one can chew the buns."
So he and Ronald drank all night
telling jokes and making puns.
"Hey Tony, want onions on your cheese miss-steak?"

This has been the latest in official news straight from the front of the Fast Food Wars but sources close to the administration tell us that Forrest Luke is running to the rescue. Had you been a subscriber you'd know what that last sentence really means. 

Dec 3, 2017

Found On Craigs Road

The Prehistoric History Of The Wheel

Everyone knows the earliest advancements of early civilization included man's ability to control fire, the ability to make simple tools of wood and stone, and probably most importantly, the wheel. Nothing ever created has contributed to the advancement of the human race, lead to other advancements, or run over as many people as the wheel.

The first wheel was made during the Stone Age by a cave man named Ugg. Or Mr Ugg, as he preferred to be called. Mr Ugg was a burley sort of guy who lived with his wife, Mrs Ugg, their eldest son, Bug Ugg, and Bug's nine younger siblings, the nonuplets, for which Mr and Mrs Ugg had never thought to name and just referred to as the baby bugs.

I reckon when you have nine babies that all look just alike you simply shrug it off and let then figure it out for themselves. At least that's what Mr and Mrs Ugg decided to do.

As you can imagine, Mrs Ugg was a stay at home mom, busy taking care of ten children, picking berries, digging up roots, looking for termites ants, and other insects to eat, and keeping the home-fires burning while Mr Ugg was away at work. Mr Ugg fished and hunted 2,000 pound prehistoric bears when he wasn't busy working on new inventions.

Mr Ugg preferred to spend his time inventing new things but from time to time he was forced to answer the call to duty. "Ugg!" Mrs Ugg would shout, "Baby bugs hungry-- look blood thirsty. Go kill something, now!"

"Okay, okay," Mr Ugg would shout, "Maybe Ugg get killed this time hunt bear."

"Then baby bugs eat Mr Ugg," Mrs Ugg would shout. "Better than eat me."

Ugg had discovered that the fattest bears could be rolled on flat ground and down hills with much less effort than trying to drag them all the way home. And by using a rock he called a chockarock he was able to prevent his kill from rolling back down the hill as he worked to push the bear up the hill.

And so it was, Mr Ugg invented what would later be called the wheel chock.

Ugg's first wheels were simply logs. Problem was: the logs kept rolling out from under Ugg's bear carcasses. Mr Ugg could only move his bear a few feet before all the logs rolled out from under his bear forcing him to stop and place the logs back under the bear. And when Ugg attempted to cross a stream his logs all floated away.

Ugg then decided to build a crude frame on which to place the bear but still the logs rolled out from under the frame.

Then Ugg got the idea that a piece of a log chopped off the end of a hollow log with a stick stuck through the hole might work better. And so with many hours of chopping wood with stone tools, Ugg had simultaneously invented the axle, the wheel, and the wheelbarrow. Mr Ugg called it the Uggbarrow.

But moving 2,000 pound bear carcasses on a single wheel is a daunting challenge even for the biggest and strongest of men and Mr Ugg soon realized that improvements to his Uggbarrow were to be in order. Improvements came in the form of an axle that extended from side to side with wheels on each end. Mr Ugg's two wheeled Uggbarrow was the predecessor to what would later be called the cart. Now moving 2,000 bears was easier and took less time than ever before. And when Ugg wasn't hauling bears he could haul his family to follow the game wherever it happened to go.

One of the early problems Ugg encountered with his two wheeled Uggbarrow was that of friction. Ugg had noticed that the wood was becoming charred where the wheel and axle met but was unable to figure out a way to stop the charring. He also understood that rubbing sticks together was a means via which his ancestors had discovered to start fires so he worried that his Uggbarrow might catch on fire and cook his kill prematurely.

But Mr Ugg was at a complete loss as to what he might do to eliminate the friction. "Ugg," Mr Ugg said, "ball bearing not invented for at least fifty thousand years-- how Ugg fix?"

One day Bug said, "Daddy, Bug poop, wipe butt on axle. Now wheel turn really smooth. Want me poop on other side?"

"Ah," Ugg answered as he examined the newly lubricated wheel, "No, I think Ugg try bear grease-- not stink so much."

"Mr Ugg use last bear grease," Mrs Ugg shouted, "Now maybe go hunt more bear!"

"Yes, Dear," Mr Ugg replied, "Right away, Dear."

"I said hunt bear!" Mrs Ugg shouted. "No hunt deer. No grease in deer."

Not all was working perfectly though. Sometimes the wheels would fall off the axles dumping everyone and everything on the ground. And it seemed the more Ugg used his cart the worse the problem became. "Ugg," Ugg said, "what do? Lug nut not be invented for at least fifty-five thousand years. How Ugg fix?"

Ugg's first attempt was to chisel a hole in the axle and drop a wooden dowel in the hole but the dowel fell out the bottom of the hole. Finally, after numerous failed attempts, Ugg discovered that a tapered dowel could be driven into the hole with his club and that would secure the wheel.

Ugg had invented what would someday evolve into the cotter pin.

One day Bug shouted, "Look, Bug put more wheels on Uggbarrow!" It now had two large wheels on one end and two smaller wheels on the other end on a second axle Bug had installed. But as Mr and Mrs Ugg looked over Bug's work, one of them inadvertently leaned against the Uggbarrow sending it rolling down the hill out of control. "Look!" Bug shouted, "Now Uggbarrow not need push. That great, right?"

"Make Uggbarrow come back up hill." Mrs Ugg commanded.

Finally after Bug spent several days and nights continuously attempting to call the Uggbarrow back up the hill, Mr Ugg said, "Bug, take chockarock, go down hill and push Uggbarrow back to top. Then take off Buggy wheels."

Centuries later Bug's descendants would work out details like steering, brakes, and a harness to hook what would eventually be called the Buggy to animals to move men and cargo over land more quickly.

Bug wasn't finished with making improvements in Mr Ugg's Uggbarrow. It was Bug who invented seats for Mrs Ugg and the Baby Bugs to ride in. Of course, Bug being being a teenager it wasn't entirely without ulterior motive. You see, Bug had been borrowing the Uggbarrow to take his girlfriend, Phew, up to Lover's Point where they made out in the back seat.

It was also for Phew that Bug also developed the world's first all natural, 100% organic deodorant and line of soaps called Bug Sprays. Isn't it funny how some words and phrases take on completely different meanings throughout the centuries?

Bug wasn't finished improving his father's Uggbarrow. Bug discovered that by placing his little wheel between the bigger wheel and the wooden Cotter pin, he was able to reduce friction, make the Uggbarrow easier to push, and save wear and tear on wheels, axles, and cotter pins. Mr Ugg was so impressed that he order Bug to install dozens of little wheels on each axle but it was soon learned that there was such a thing as too much of a good thing. In the end they found that one little wheel on each side of each big wheel seemed to work best.

And thus Bug had invented what would someday be called the Washer. Ironic, don't you think, that the Washer was invented by the same young cave man who invented soap?

In the meantime Mrs Ugg said, "Mr Ugg, time you take Bug, teach how to hunt bear. Phew have something in oven."

"What oven?" Mr Ugg asked.

"When you invent oven you understand," Mrs Ugg replied.

So it was, Mr Ugg invented the first oven made of rocks and mud in which to bake the bread required to feed his ever growing clan as 2,000 pound prehistoric bears were about to be hunted out of existence.

And quite frankly, Mr Ugg was glad to see the giant bears go.

Dec 2, 2017

October Roses

 My Grandmother always called these flowers October Roses because they never bloom until October. Only a few blooms remain now. By the end of December all the blooms will be gone.

October Rose isn't their real name. The actual October Rose is a Hibiscus-- a very different flower which also blooms in October. This is actually 1 of over 140 varieties of Chrysanthemums that are known to exist. Don't ask me which one.

My Grandmother gave my mother a few of these October Roses 60 years ago. Momma planted them
under the White Oak tree where they still

Teas are made from the flowers and in some countries the leaves are boiled and eaten as greens.

When Winter finally kills off the tops and they turn brown and woody I'll mow them all down, rake out the leaves, and add some organic fertilizer so next year's show will be ever bit as dazzling as it was at the height of the season this year.
Remember: Eat your yard.

Dec 1, 2017

The Death Of A Good Dog

Greensboro, NC-- Greensboro Police reported today they are looking into the disappearance and possible murder of Sally's dog.

 So Long Sweet Sally

Sally screamed, "My hotdogs' gone!
The clown, he surely took it.
Someone call Mayor McCheese!
Someone call the King.
Tell them, get my hotdogs back
or Sally's gonna sing.
Tell Tim Horton, straight away.
I know he'll take my side.
He's hiding in White Castle
waiting for a ride."
But no one heard sweet Sally's calls
for they had all be fried
so like her friend, Biff Burger,
Sally slowly died.

An early chapter in the Fast Food Wars recorded here for prosperity... or something like that. Click Fast Food Wars to read the entire saga.