Nov 30, 2017

A Meter On The Future

Parking Meters In Space

A parking meter stares towards space,
"Will I someday stand up there?
Will space ship pilots pay to park
and think our prices fair?
Will a helmet fit atop my pole
without causing any trouble?
And do you thinks there's any way
you can get me on the shuttle?"

Nov 29, 2017

Full Circle

Tree House

There once stood a tree much taller than me.
In awe I was when I saw it.
But Dad had a plan to clear all the land,
and my tree he wanted to fall it.

I begged him, "Please no, just let my tree go.
It's a tree house I dream of some day."
So Daddy just smiled and said, "It grows wild,
but I guess I'll let you have your way."

But the winds, they did blow, and I didn't know
that alone, one tall tree, it would fall
down to the ground with a horrible sound.
And my fall tree I'd be forced to saw.

There now stands a tree much shorter than me
where the tall tree once stood there before.
And in my cabin of wood from the tree that once stood
I smile when I open my door.

Nov 27, 2017

On The Line

Scared Money

In record time, he bet his dime,
intent to win the game.
But in pitching pennies dimes count one,
so he went broke just the same.

Nov 26, 2017

Redheads In The Shower

You might be tempted to think a red head in the shower is a good thing but when that red head happens to be the leader of a terrorist cult bent on taking control of the world's food supply... Well, you just might want to remain dirty... and hungry.


Ronald went to the Cook Out
to find religion there,
praise for God and country
and get rid of his red hair.
'Twas there in Carolina
with 40 to 52 shakes
Ronald learned he'd never learn
from all of his McSteaks.

It would appear it is worse than we could have ever imagined for when a warrior-- even a red headed warrior-- gets religious veal, his dangerous ideology will drive him to destroy all he cannot have.

Sorry about the bad buns... ah, I mean, puns.

Nov 25, 2017

Demi Rose Mawby Nude On Page 3

Forget the Naked Dress, the gold dress, the white dress, the lingerie, Tyga getting in the way, the same reposting of the same photos you've seen everywhere else, and the constant teasing, Demi Rose Mawby displays on Instagram and all those other publications, here at Billy's Page 3 Girls you get fashion model Demi Rose in all her natural and uncovered nude glory, everything stripped away for everyone to see just as she was meant to be seen.

 That's right, despite rumors that Demi Rose might be the next all nude page 3 girl to make the pages of The Sun, we got her first here at How about you get a little on you too?

Photo via Carol V Newsome

Remember: Don't just whack 'em. Wackemall.

Parable of the Good Samaritan Redux

I always liked doing good things for other people. It always made me feel all warm inside, you know, like I was somehow making the world a better place to live. But sometimes being a good Samaritan isn't everything people think it to be.

Take for example the time my two neighbors got into a very loud argument over just exactly where the property line was between their yards. They were yelling, shouting, and cursing up a storm so I decided the neighborly thing to do would be to act as an impartial mediator and help them resolve their dispute. Three weeks later I got out of the hospital with $3,000 in medical bills my insurance company wouldn't pay. Not to mention time lost at work.

I decided it would be best if I left my feuding neighbors to their own devices so I decided I'd clean up the trash and old tires that lay scattered about the entire neighborhood.

Now being the trash goes to the city transfer station and the tires must go to the county tire disposal station I hooked my trailer up to my truck and went about the neighborhood loading trash into the truck and tires into the trailer. At the end of the day both were filled.

Early the next morning I set out to the transfer station to get rid of the trash but before I got there I was stopped by a cop for failing to tarp my load. The ticket cost me $275 dollars. Then, when I got to the transfer station they insisted I pay $25 to dump the trash despite my trying to explain that I had picked it up from city streets. The man kept saying, "You pick up trash, you own the trash."

From there it was off to the county tire disposal where according to their count I had 300 tires on the trailer at a cost of $1 per tire to dispose of. "Three hundred dollars!" I angrily shouted. "I ain't going to pay it!" It was then they called the sheriff who explained I could pay it or go to jail. I gave the man my credit card.

Then there was the time I decided it would be nice of me to mow the grass at the house across the street. I figured that since the property was owned by one of our local slum lords, the landlord was too cheap to mow it and my neighbor was too broke to be able to afford to buy a lawnmower or pay someone to mow. It wasn't like it didn't need mowing as the city had already left a sign on her door threatening to fine her if she didn't mow her yard soon. I thought for certain I was doing a favor push mowing that 3 foot tall grass and weeds. I even bagged it and set it on the curb for pick up.

Turns out that wasn't the case at all. Turns out the crazy lady living there was some sort of plant's rights activist and growing there in amongst all that tall grass and weeds was some kind of tiny flower, an endangered species, and the last known examples known to exist. Had some kind of Latin name no one ever heard of. Judge fined me $10,000 dollars for violating the endangered species act. I'm still paying the court in monthly installments. How was I to know?

Not to be deterred I decided to open up a soup kitchen in the most depressed neighborhood in town. I figured the people in my neighborhood didn't really appreciate my efforts so I would go find other people who were worse off and help them to get back on their feet. And folks, while things didn't work out quite the way I planned that's exactly what I did.

You see, on the very first day I opened my soup kitchen, one of the poor people I served got food poisoning and died. Now never mind the fact that this guy eats from trash cans or that no one else died from eating from my soup kitchen-- never mind that. This guy's estranged wife hires an attorney who then sues me and in the end the court gives the lady my soup kitchen.

But does she run a soup kitchen there? Oh no, turns out her attorney, along with a bunch of rich investors, bought up the neighborhood, jacked rents up so high all the poor people had to leave, and redeveloped the neighborhood. Gentrification they call it.

So what did the lady do with my soup kitchen? Well after she married her attorney, the two of them turned it into an overpriced trendy restaurant that serves bacon on everything on the menu. Her brother, a
cardiologist and investor in the restaurant, opened his office across the street.

Nov 24, 2017

History Of Wackemall, Part 74: St. Nicholas of Myra

From Wikipedia:

"Saint Nicholas (Greek: Ἅγιος Νικόλαος, Hágios Nikólaos, Latin: Sanctus Nicolaus); (15 March 270 – 6 December 343),[3][4] also called Nikolaos of Myra, was a historic Christian saint and Greek[5] Bishop of Myra, in Asia Minor (modern-day Demre, Turkey).[6] Because of the many miracles attributed to his intercession, he is also known as Nikolaos the Wonderworker (Νικόλαος ὁ Θαυματουργός, Nikólaos ho Thaumaturgós). Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of sailors, merchants, archers, repentant thieves, children, brewers, pawnbrokers and students in various cities and countries around Europe. His reputation evolved among the faithful, as was common for early Christian saints,[7] and his legendary habit of secret gift-giving gave rise to the traditional model of Santa Claus (“Saint Nick”) through Sinterklaas."

Recent expeditions to Turkey and Ireland by researchers working
on behalf of  Wackemall University in Ramseur, North Carolina, have uncovered previously unknown information about the man to which our  Holidaze custom of gift giving is credited.

By tunneling underneath the Tomb of Santa (shown in the photograph to the right) archeologists were able to discover numerous artifacts and writings believed to be those of the patron saint himself.

There was among his writings, generous amounts of information that indicates that Nikolaos the Wonderworker may have had a very in depth understanding of how too little or too much of certain chemicals effect the human brain and emotional development in children.

One of the things Nikolaos of Myra mentioned many times was that a diet too low in Wackemall could lead to behavior issues in children and young adults. To resolve this he recommended the giving of Wackemall to children who were said to be "naughty" and even to nice children to prevent "naughtiness" from occurring.

“The giver of every good and perfect gift has called upon us to mimic His giving, by giving wackemall through faith, and this is not of ourselves.”

Another discovery was hundreds of stockings filled not with coal but with lumps of Wackemall that had turned dark from too much exposure to the elements, and therefore mistaken for coal by earlier researchers.

Who ever thought the History of Wackemall would coincide with the Holidaze? Then again, why wouldn't it as Wackemall coincides with everything.

Please continue reading History Of Wackemall, Part 75: Franklin D Roosevelt

Nov 23, 2017

Holiday Pay Demands Threaten City Budget

Greensboro, NC-- Citing long hours, the high cost of living, and extended time away from their families and friends, the City's most recently unionized work force is now demanding extra pay for holidays.

Pulling Up Stakes

We work in all weather,
throughout the whole year
while you're home with family
we're at our jobs here.
Our record is spotless,
we never get breaks.
If you don't pay us double
we're pulling up stakes.

Can parking meters really pull up stakes and go somewhere else? I thought they were cemented into the ground. Will the City give into their demands? Stay tuned to PMN, a service of Wackemall Network News, for the latest updates.

Nov 22, 2017

Invasion Of The Fast Food Nation

There's a threat out there, bigger than anything you know, more dangerous than you can imagine and known only to those who choke on it.

In other words, it's already too late to care and too late to cry, too late to run and past time to fry.

 Hangin’ With Ronald

I think I’ll go hang out with Ronald,
eat burgers, and have a good time:
watch the kids grow an inch
as we sit in the bench
tellin’ stories in riddle and rhyme.

I think I’ll go hang out with Ronald--
maybe, we both can be clowns.
I’ll get some clown paint,
pretend we’re not what we ain’t
as we watch all the people come ‘round.

Perhaps I’ll convince the Hamburglar
that I, am really just small.
I’m less than four feet
when I don’t use my feet,
and together we’ll have us a ball!

I think I’ll go hang out with Ronald,
eatin’ fries as we sit at our seats,
watch all the kids play
havin’ fun every day.
It’s a good time that just can’t be beat!

Wow! I hope all of you enjoyed this quick trip to McDonald’s Playland. Remember: “You deserve a break today.”

Disclaimer: Ronald McDonald, McDonald’s Playland, and the Hamburglar are Trademarks of the McDonald’s Corporation. McDonald’s is not affiliated with, does not own, nor does McDonald's endorse or currently sponsor the Fast Food Wars. But that proud American company, Wackemall Products, does sponsor the Fast Food Wars.

This, my friends, is the poem that started Fast Food Poetry, the story of the Fast Food Wars over 20 years ago while watching the children play in an undisclosed Playland somewhere along a highway here in the American Southland. And still the war continues today.

Nov 20, 2017

Parking Immigration Issues

Greensboro, NC-- PMN corespondent Ima Ona Pole brings us the latest on immigration issues as parking meters seek the right to live and work anywhere they like.

Parking Meters Seek Visas

Why can't we work out on the freeway,
in the country, on back roads and lanes?
Why must we all stand at the airports
or downtown? We're going insane!
Why must we be stuck in the alley
when the Parkway has much better views?
Why can't we work out on the freeway--
charge the big rigs for parking there too?

And so it is, we give parking meters, poetry, and now they want the world to be their own.

Nov 18, 2017

I Think I Lost My Appetite

Suicide Sandwich

Angry Whopper looked inside.
Sea salt fries were everywhere.
And though he knew he'd have no hope,
concerns tossed to the air.
'Twas in a fit of jealous rage,
he burst into the room,
scattered fries to everywhere
before he met his doom.

And in the distance stood, Chick-fil-A... smiling.

The Fast Food Wars rage on, casualties continue to mount and cholesterol is all that remains standing. Are you willing to die for the cause?

But It's Only Metadata

And to think, folks used to worry they were being watched by their TVs and now they are.

Nov 17, 2017

Definition of: The Good Fight

I asked my readers for a definition of "the good fight". You see, people have been telling me for years and years to keep up the good fight but to me it seems those people don't always agree on just what the good fight is.

One reader defined the good fight as "Stayin' alive."

For some I guess, but isn't there more to life than just staying alive to fight another day?

Another reader defined the good fight as: "People pouring their hearts, souls and savings into something they believe in for little reward or recognition.." and went on to point out that I'm in the club.

I replied, "Terrorists pour their hearts, souls, savings, and even their lives into something they believe in for little reward or recognition.."

My reader seemed to agree I'd blown his definition right out of the water.

Another said, "The good fight is when you stay the course despite the odds, keeping the faith, trusting God rather than man."

I replied: "That makes the assumption that we mortals know God's will."
Yet another reader wrote "
Aha! The "Good Fight" [idiom]: In hindsight believing that one has enjoyed the activity, having engaged in a positive attitude before and during the struggle."To which I countered, "But doesn't right or wrong come into play? Surely the rapist or terrorist can often say he enjoyed the activity, having engaged in a positive attitude before and during the struggle-- can he not?"

And he replied: "
No, Right or wrong does not come into play. Those are cultural distinctions not shared worldwide."

So what is "the good fight?"

Well in the end, what it comes down to is this: The Good Fight is any cause other people want you to fight on their behalf because they, themselves, are too lazy, scared, or apathetic to fight for themselves.

Nov 16, 2017

Evolution Proven On City Streets

Everything evolves. Art, science, humanity, nothing escapes evolution. Call it theory if you like but the arguments against evolution are no more than fragile hypothesis with no basis in fact and no chance of stepping-up to become theory. In other words, these arguments are unable to evolve to the level of theory making them the exception that proves the rule. And no where in our world is proof of evolution stronger and more recognizable than in those who line our modern city streets.

Post Modern Parking Meter

No Need To complain,
no need to get spastic.
Don't have any change?
Fine, I take plastic!

So if you are tired,
perhaps feeling lethargic,
don't worry 'bout cash
'cause now you can charge it!

Today's highly evolved Parking Meter Poem has been made possible by everyone who feeds the parking meters.

Nov 15, 2017

As The Balls Go 'Round

Windows 10 Update

"Working on updates
100% complete"
So why am I still waiting?

Exposing Ugly Truths


Light is like water, it flows all around
in every direction, every surround.
You always want more, you can't get enough
'til the light shines on you exposing your rough...

Nov 14, 2017

The 100 Year War Comes To Greensboro

Greensboro, NC- Police were put on full alert late last night when the war came to Downtown Greensboro. Wackemall Network News reporter Burger N Fries brings us the latest updates:

Hardee Gets Stung

Hardee screamed his final breath.
Thick Burgers would not save him.
Betrayed by the clown, ridiculed, put down,
the King would soon enslave him.
Sentenced to live perpetually
the one nobody knew,
he cried to the Green Hornet...

And so it is, while Hardee and Carl Jr plot the assassination of the king, the Fast Food Wars drag on, everyone is hungry, and Greensboro awaits the next attack.

Nov 13, 2017

The Adventures Of Arnie And Jake: Chapter 2, Arnie's Vacation

Julia Weaver has been reading aloud my book, The Adventures Of Arnie And Jake-- Two Little Ants In A Big Ant Army. Today Julia brings us Chapter 2, Arnie's Vacation:

To be continued...

Some Of Us Simply Haven't The Patience

My second wife and I worked as a husband and wife truck driving team for a short while. One night in Gilroy, California, after driving 10 hours plus spending 4 hours unloading the truck I gave her directions, "Turn right and the end of the driveway and follow that road to the Interstate. Then go south. I'll wake up before you get to San Diego."

I woke up 8 hours later only to discover we were still in Gilroy, just a couple of miles from where she started driving. "What happened?" I asked. "Why are we still in Gilroy?"

"I've been driving all night," she answered "I got lost."

"Did you know you were lost?" I asked.

"Yes," she answered.

"So why didn't you wake me?" I asked.

"Because I was scared you'd be mad," she answered.

"Not nearly as mad as I am now," I grumbled.

But I didn't raise my voice, I made no threats, I simply gave her the correct directions and allowed her to drive her final 2 hours of her shift.

But when we got back to Greensboro, North Carolina I decided I would no longer be a part of a husband and wife truck driving team.


Nov 12, 2017

The Adventures Of Arnie And Jake: Chapter 1, Arnie And The Cherry Pie

Some years ago I penned my first children's book, The Adventures of Arnie And Jake-- Two Little Ants In A Big Ant Army.

As luck would have it, the publisher went out of business after shipping me 500 advance copies and after I personally sold those 500 copies no one else would ever be able to to enjoy The Adventures Of Arnie And Jake again. That is, no one until now as my friend Julia Weaver is reading Arnie and Jake aloud and posting it aloud on the Internet for everyone to listen to and enjoy.

So here's Julia Weaver with Arnie And The Cherry Pie.

Please continue to The Adventures Of Arnie And Jake: Chapter 2, Arnie's Vacation

Definition Of Help

It perhaps wasn't always so but these days it seems people only see money as help and if you haven't money to give then you are no help at all. Help equals money.

Nov 11, 2017

The Last Mermaid: Page 5

A continuation of The Last Mermaid

Farmer Nick stood before the Guilty County... Excuse me, I keep doing that over and over again. I meant to say Farmer Nick stood before the Guilford County Commissioners, pleaded his case, and begged for more time to pay his back taxes and avoid foreclosure but the decision was unanimous: Farmer Nick had just 30 days to pay all his back taxes or the Guilty... I mean, Guilford County Tax Department would take Spring Fed Farm and force Nick and his children to leave.

Of course the local News & Fishwrap wasted no time in running a sad story about the foreclosure of Spring Fed Farm and by the middle of the next morning every leech... ah, I mean, real estate developer in 15 counties was looking over Nick's farm like vultures circling dying road kill. Some of them were even flying around in airplanes or using unmanned drones to get a better look at the property since Farmer Nick had expressly forbid all of them from coming on the property.

For a time there was hope as someone set up a GoFundMe page to raise money for Spring Fed Farm but then it turned out to be a fraudulent attempt to play on people's sympathies and Nick never collected a dime. To this day they still don't know who did it but thankfully everyone got their money back.

It appeared that despite everyone's best efforts, Farmer Nick and his family would soon find themselves homeless and separated, perhaps never to see each other again.


The storm was getting worse and the yacht was still taking on water. Julia had never before been on a yacht, much less piloted a yacht but she knew it had to be done if the beautiful ship was to be saved for the return of the handsome sailors she dreamed of meeting. Julia made her way to the bridge. On ships, the bridge is what they call the room where the captain and pilot or helmsman work to control the ship. It's on the bridge that the ship's wheel can be found. So too are the many gauges, switches, and various controls necessary to operate a modern sailing vessel.

While Julia had no previous experience with ships, boats, engines, or anything man made, everything her ancestors, both mermaid and human, had ever known, was locked in her DNA. While she had never before learned to read she looked at all the instruments, switches, controls, and gauges and was instantly and instinctively able to read what each one was. Quickly she located the necessary switches and controls to start the engine, engage the twin propellers and bring the engine up to speed. "Ahead full!" Julia shouted!

But the ship only moved a few feet before pulling tightly against its anchor and rolling towards the sea! "Full stop!" Julia shouted as she pulled the throttle all the way back, shut down the engines, and made her way to the anchor. "I'm a mermaid, not a fish. Even flounder know you can't go when you're hooked. How could I have forgotten the stupid anchor?"

Julia tried to use the winch to pull up the anchor but each time she tried, the winch pulled the ship down instead of pulling the anchor up. "Oh no," Julia shouted, "the anchor is stuck! What do I do now?"

Julia looked around for something to cut the anchor rope but couldn't find a thing. All the while the ship was taking on more and more water as the waves continued to crash on top of the ship. Finally, with no other options that she could see, Julia began chopping at the rope with her tail fins! "Ouch!" Julia shouted, "That's going to leave a bruise! If men only knew all we mermaids go through for them maybe they wouldn't be so hard to catch."

To be continued...

Fast Food Gets Down And Dirty

Undisclosed Location-- Somewhere deep behind enemy lines, Wackemall Network News corespondent, Burger N Fries uncovers the addictive fast food porn being used to fund the fast food wars.

Fast Food Cravings

Cherry Limeade walked the street
to try and ply the King.
Cinnamon Twist hated her
and plotted her defeat.

Big Box Meal and Quad Steak
dreamed of eating her taco.
Cinnamon Twist, in a jealous rage,
said, "Cherry has to go!"

She called around to the red head clown
and cut with him a deal,
said, "Buy Miss Limeade off my hands
and I will never squeal."

And Ronald whispered, "Sometimes I crave myself... Is that so wrong?"

With that, Fast Food Delights, The Story of the Fast Food Wars continues to play out behind the scenes of big juicy burgers, melted cheese, crunchy tortilla chips, salty fries, MSG and club sandwiches.

Leaving us to wonder just what was Burger N Fries doing under the covers in the first place, and why won't he disclose his location?

Nov 10, 2017

Not All Pioneers Are Heroes

A lot of pioneers end up as no more than forgotten cobblestones under the feet of heroes.

Dixie Chicken

Dreams are funny things. You can not think about someone or something for years then suddenly there it is in your dreams just as if it were yesterday. And while I'll not mention any names I'll tell you of a dream I had night before last.

I was seated at a table in a bar with a bunch of old friends-- all men I've known 20 to 50 years-- and one somewhat younger man who was new to the group. We were enjoying our time together, talking motorcycles, adventures from our youth, and the jobs we finally retired from when in walked an attractive woman we all knew all too well, holding the arm of another old friend.

It was then the younger fellow looked up at her and we could all see he was quite taken with her. After all these years she still had it and he wanted it-- badly.

Of course, you know how dreams can be and here's where it gets weird. As she walked past she handed him a note but the rest of us had all developed super vision and could read the note even before he could read it:

"Call me tomorrow, I'm breaking up with him tonight"

Then the jukebox suddenly started playing the following song and we all sang along. And now you can sing along too.

Nov 9, 2017

The Last Mermaid: Page 4

A continuation of The Last Mermaid

On Spring Fed Farm in Guilty County, North Carolina, the children worried what would happen if Farmer Nick lost the farm or if the farm was annexed by the City of Gravesboro and taken by public domain. Nick had tried to keep it a secret by no longer subscribing to the local News & Fishwrap but the children had read about it on the Internet. They had also read of changes in North Carolina state law that prohibit judges from waving fees against poor people, thereby creating debtors prisons one again. The thought that Farmer Nick might end up in a North Carolina prison simply because he had no money frightened them all to no end.

Of course, Nick, always thinking of others and never concerned with his own fate, worried about what might happen to the children. Would the family be split apart, never to see one another again? Would the children end up in foster homes only to be kicked out to live on the streets on their eighteenth birthdays? And what about all the Guilty County and Gravesboro families that depended on Spring Fed Farm for low cost, fresh, safe, organically grown, local foods-- what would they do when the community reverted back into a food desert like it had been so many years before?

Dark clouds were gathering to the east.


While sleeping aboard the yacht, Julia dreamed of ships full of hansom young sailors from which to chose to spend the rest of her life with just as mermaids always do. Her biological clock was wound tight and she wanted to be surrounded with happy children knowing that one day one of her descendants would be born a mermaid to a human mother.

In her dreams she could remember when her mother had released her to the seas as just a small fry, knowing that mermaid babies had to grow up on their own. Julia had never known another mermaid and the only human she could remember was her mother who she could only remember in her dreams.

And yet everything a baby mermaid ever needed to know to survive and everything she would ever need to know to continue to propagate her species was locked in her DNA. Everything that is, except the technology that had allowed ships to become so much bigger and faster since the birth of the last mermaid hundreds of years before.

As Julia lay sleeping something began to rock the ship. Gently at first but eventually so hard that Julia was awaken. "What's all this shaking around?" Julia shouted. "It's making me sick on my stomach. Who ever heard of a mermaid getting seasick? I've got to put a stop to this!"

When Julia went on deck she immediately saw the cause of the problem. A giant storm was brewing, giant waves were crashing across the yacht. Mermaids never worry about storms because like most ocean dwellers, mermaids only need dive to deep water and wait for the storm to pass, but Julia had other concerns. "Oh no!" Julia screamed, "the ship will be sunk and the sailors will have nothing to return to. How will I ever find them if they've no ship to return to?"

Julia located the bilge pumps and turned them all on but the ship was taking on water faster than the pumps could pump it out. She tried helping by using a bucket but that wasn't enough either. Finally Julia realized that the only way she could save the beautiful yacht was by starting the engines and piloting it away from the storm as quickly as possible.

But Julia knew nothing about piloting ships. Julia had never even paddled a row boat.

Please continue reading The Last Mermaid: Page 5

Solutions Are Easy

Social Democracy paid for by willing democratic capitalists. It's the only solution.

Remember: Your Vote Counts?

Why Soldiers Die

The ballots cast, the hopes are dashed,
the few still rule the many.
Each time around, the calls they sound:
Get out and vote for any.
But all who win commit the sins
of lusting for the gold
while those who died to put them there
lie buried 'neath the cold.

Nov 8, 2017

Park Anywhere For A Price

Parking concerns run rampant and to get to the core of the issue, I spoke with a prominent big city parking meter who doesn't want to be identified. Here's what he had to say.

If You Don't Love It, Leave It

From Chitown east to Boston
they're making it real hard.
And so, if you don't like it
then pahk your cah in the yahd!

And that my friends, ends today's PMN Special Report.

Somewhere, Merle Haggard, is still laughing his ass off at the people who actually believed Okie from Muskogee was true.

The Proper Time To Pass The Buck

Don't be fooled when people say they want their problems solved for what they really want is to be told is that someone else is responsible for the problems they, themselves, created. What they really want is confirmation their incorrect opinions are correct.

If you advise them their opinions are correct when in-fact they are wrong, they will come to see you as a bad advisor. When things finally fall apart they won't come back to you and will tell others it was your fault. If you honestly inform them their opinions are wrong they will go away angry, still commit the same mistakes, then come back again only to get angry with you again because you again refuse to confirm their opinions.

So after many years of being asked to confirm incorrect opinions I've come to the conclusion it is best to simply tell them I don't know the answer even if I do know the answer.

No, they're not happy with that either but it forces them to find someone else to blame for their mistakes rather than blaming you.

Nov 7, 2017

Has Eveyone Forgotten We're At War?

Sonic Assassin

Make no doubt she was a Smoothie
with her Ched 'R 'Pepper cocked
as she walked in the White Castle.
She only had one shot.
One shot to get before the King,
one shot to watch him die
and nothing left but destiny
to get free of the fries.

And so, like the Java Chillers who hide in the wilderness, we anxiously await the news of the King's demise and wonder if the Fast Food War will ever serve whirled peas.

Nov 6, 2017

The Last Mermaid: Page 3

A continuation of The Last Mermaid

While the yacht was every bit as beautiful up close as it had been at a distance, Julia immediately sensed that something wasn't quite right. For you see, Julia was expecting to see sailors aboard and from where she was looking, there on the bow-- you know, the front of the ship-- Julia couldn't see a single sailor. As a matter of fact, Julia couldn't see anyone at all. "Ahoy there," Julia shouted, "permission to come aboard, please?"

You see, even though Julia was technically already on the ship it's still always best to let sailors know you want to come aboard before just traipsing across someone else's ship. It's like knocking on someone's door before you go inside their house. All across the deck Julia searched, "Hello, hello, is anyone here?" bow to stern but nowhere was anyone to be found. "Just my luck," Julia said, "I find the prettiest ship on the entire ocean and the sailors are all absent without leave."

As Julia explored empty cabin after empty cabin she complained, "Whatever happened to the captain going down with his ship? Looks like this ship's captain doesn't go down at all. A lot of fun he must be. Oh well, let's see if someone will hold me in the hold."

Meanwhile in Guilty County things were looking bad at Spring Fed Farm. The cost of taking care of so many children meant that Farmer Nick had fallen behind on his property taxes and the county tax collector was threatening to take his farm away from him. To make matters worse, the City of Gravesboro was planning to annex Spring Fed Farm which meant Farmer Nick's tax bills would double. And to make matters worse, Graveboro's wealthy elite developers were trying to get the City and County to exercise public domain over the property because they claimed the shopping centers and apartment complexes they were planning to build there represented a greater public good than Nick's farm.

You see, children, despite what you are taught in school, governments are run by people, and because people don't always do the right things, governments don't always do the right things. Farmer Nick had already spoken to the Guilty County Commissioners and the Gravesboro City Council and told them of the fresh fruits and produce he made available so close to Gravesboro's food deserts but it appeared they just didn't want to listen to anything he had to say.

And no one understood why.

Off the coast of North Carolina Julia waited aboard the yacht. "Boring," she complained. "Why would anyone leave such a beautiful ship just sitting out here all by itself? Oh well, surely they'll be back soon, I'll just wait."

And so it was Julia waited. And while she waited, for the first time in her life she saw modern conveniences like the ship's galley (that's kitchen for you land lubbers) the head (the bathroom) the lounge (not to be confused with a bar, which is a sand bar, something sailors hate to run into) and something most all of you have in your homes-- a television.

There was one more thing inside the yacht that Julia had never before seen or experienced. A bed. And so it was she turned on the television and laid upon the bed for the first time in her life. "Sure is comfortable here," Julia said as she drifted off to sleep, "Sailor? Right now I'd settle for a cabin boy."

Please continue reading
The Last Mermaid: Page 4

Two Eagles Talking

"You know they're electing a new mayor in Greensboro, North Carolina."

"If you call 11 percent turn out an election."

"Why do you think so few show up to vote?"

"Did you read the News & Fishwrap?"

"What about it?"

"No mention of Democracy Greensboro and the largest turnout for any voter forum in the entire city."

"You mean the media controls the message?"

"Just as sure as you and I have feathers."

Get the best of Two Eagles Talking straight from the nest, right here at I mean, it sure beats voting for a loser.

Photo credit Harry Pherson Photography

The Search For Truth

No one hordes the truth, few actually wish to hear it. The man high upon the mountain knows nothing more of truth than exists everywhere. People who aren't willing to search for the truth right at home will never find it anywhere.

Nov 5, 2017

The Last Mermaid: Page 2

A continuation of The Last Mermaid

Day after day, week after week, month after month Julia swam the Atlantic Ocean hoping to catch a ride with a young, eligible sailor but every time she spotted a ship headed her way it was always the same, "Hey, over here. Look out! Be careful! Slow down!" Julia would shout before diving out of the way of the speeding ship only to come back up and shout, "You fool, you could have killed me!"

Life is hard and very dangerous for a 21st Century Mermaid.

But not every day was like that. Most of Julia's days were spent swimming around the ocean, occasionally catching rides on the backs of giant turtles and hanging out with playful dolphins. Once she even hitched a ride on the back of a giant sperm whale and when he blew his water spout he shot Julia high into the air. "Weeeee!" Julia shouted as she rose up through the air.

Other days Julia would try to swim to the ends of the rainbows stopping to rest upon tiny atolls far from anywhere else, as the sun beamed down on her. "That itches," Julia said twitching back and forth. "Oh great, it's crabs again! Why can't it be lobsters just once, there's just not enough meat on those crabs to make a meal."


Far away in Guilty County, near the eastern edge of Gravesboro, Farmer Nick and ten children got up early every morning on Spring Fed Farm and tended to their chores.

Farmer Nick always slopped the hogs as hogs can sometimes be very dangerous and he didn't allow the children to do the dangerous jobs. The younger children helped out by feeding the kids (baby goats) and the chickens, and the older children divided their morning chores between housework, chopping wood, and preparing breakfast as as couple of the children removed eggs from under grumpy hens always laughing at how angry then hens became each time an egg was stolen out from under her.

And the roosters just crowed as they were separated from hens and children, and couldn't do a thing about it.


One day while riding a blue whale out in the Atlantic, off the coast of North Carolina, Julia happened to spy a beautiful white ship just sitting there in the distance. It was the sort of vessel we call a yacht, the kind rich people buy for pleasure voyages, but to Julia is was a ship just the same. And where there was a ship there must surely be a sailor. "Ahoy, there Big Boy," Julia said to the big blue whale, "Slow to half speed and turn to port."

For those who might not be familiar with nautical terms, turn to port means, turn left.

As the blue whale swam closer to the beautiful yacht, Julia dived from it's back, swam to the yacht, pulled herself aboard the vessel by climbing the anchor rope, then looked over at the whale, smiled, waved and said, "Thanks for the ride, hope I see you around sometime."

The whale blew off his water spout, dived beneath the ocean and sounded a gleeful squeal that was picked up on Sonar almost 2000 miles away.

Please continue reading The Last Mermaid: Page 3

Nov 4, 2017

The Revolution Begins

Greensboro, NC-- Wackemall Network News special corespondent  Ima Ona Pole brings us the latest update as angry parking meters backed by Antifa, have taken positions lining downtown streets in a bid to take over the city.

Funding War With Coin Slots

Parking meters lined the streets
firm upon their poles,
confident they wouldn't fall,
secure in their new rolls
as solders in the righteous fight
to take our country back,
not knowing they could never move
to lead the first attack.

Wow, bummer man. No one told them they were cemented to the sidewalks. Good thing it's only Parking Meter Poetry and not a real war.

Nov 3, 2017

The Last Mermaid

Julia could have been born a dinosaur, perhaps a tyrannosaurus rex sometime during the  Cretaceous Period, some 68 to 66 million years ago but Julia wasn't a dinosaur. Julia could have been born a mermaid sometime in the 1500s, discovered by Spanish or English sailors sailing to the New World, but in the 1500s Julia was yet to be. Instead, Julia was born a modern day mermaid in the 21st century.

Being as it had been over 300 years since the last time a mermaid had been born, things had changed rather significantly for mermaids and sailors. You see, back in the days of wooden sailing ships, the ships weren't really all that big nor were they all that fast. Sailors could easily spot a beautiful mermaid as she rose to the top of the water to capture the attentions of handsome young sailors.

But in the 21st Century ships are much bigger and so much faster. Why from the deck of most merchant ships it is so far down to the water that a mermaid hardly looks any bigger than a tiny shrimp. And ships cross the oceans so fast these days mermaids must steer clear of their wakes. "How in blazes will I ever pick up a good looking sailor when the ship's wake makes my hair look like a shipwreck?" Julia would have been heard to shout if anyone on the passing ships could have heard her over the roar of the mighty diesel engines.

So Julia waited, fearing that prolonged exposure to salt water, wind, and sun would destroy her good looks, soft skin, and beautiful complexion before the first young sailor ever laid eyes on her, thus never allowing her the chance to fall in love, marry, walk on land, and raise children of her own happily ever after like storybook mermaids are said to do. Sadly, if Julia's bloodline could not be continued, there might not be another mermaid in 300 years or so and Julia might be the last mermaid ever.

And don't forget the pain of being hit in the head when old barnacles become dislodged from the ship's hull at high speed. "Ouch, that's going to leave a scar!"


Far away in Guilty County, North Carolina... er, I mean Guilford County, North Carolina, near the eastern edge of Gravesboro... er Greensboro was Spring Fed Farm, a small farm where Farmer Nick grew fresh fruits and vegetables to sell the the poor people of East Gravesboro. Excuse me, Greensboro. Seems I've been hanging with the locals a lot lately.

The people of East Greensboro loved shopping at Farmer Nick's farm because his produce was always fresh and reasonably priced. And they loved the fact that they could allow their children to play on the farm with Nick's children while they shopped. As long as everyone stayed clear of the bull it was safe to play anywhere on the farm.

Nick's wife had died several years before leaving Nick with 5 children to raise. Then over the course of the next couple of years 5 lost children came wandering in, so when no one came looking for them Nick decided to just let them stay, do chores, play, and live just like his children lived. When the house became too crowded the whole bunch moved out into the barn.

Yes, life was hard without a mother around but the older children helped out the best they could, spending their days farming, doing their chores, selling produce, going to school, playing, and looking out for each other.

Please continue reading  The Last Mermaid: Page 2

Nov 2, 2017

Make Mine A Footlong

Here in the hidden newsrooms of Wackemall Network News we bring you the latest developments in the disappearance of Sally's Hot Dogs.

Dogs Gone Bad
(Or Footlong On The Freeway?)

Mayor McCheese down on his knees,
he bowed before the King.
The red headed clown had let him down
and now the Mayor sings,
"I never touched Dear Sally's dogs.
I swear upon my life.
It was Ronald who absconded with
Tim Horton's dear sweet wife."

And so while Tim Horton sits pulling his pork, awaiting Sally's return, the Fast Food Wars continue with the Burger King issuing a warrant for the arrest of Ronald McDonald, wanted: dead or alive. Preferably fried.

No Politicians. Needed

Revolutions have no need for politicians. Revolutions need only warriors who are willing to go to battle. Once the seeds of revolution are planted the revolution will be fought. Sometimes the loss of an election is but fertilizer upon which to grow a healthy revolution.

Give it water in times of drought and sunshine will do the rest.

Nov 1, 2017

The Fastest Way To Hell

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And most people get there riding high horses with fast gaits. Why not come out of the saddle, walk with the rest of us, and not be in such a hurry to get there?