Posts

Showing posts from November, 2017

A Meter On The Future

Parking Meters In Space

A parking meter stares towards space,
"Will I someday stand up there?
Will space ship pilots pay to park
and think our prices fair?
Will a helmet fit atop my pole
without causing any trouble?
And do you thinks there's any way
you can get me on the shuttle?"

Full Circle

Tree House
There once stood a tree much taller than me. In awe I was when I saw it. But Dad had a plan to clear all the land, and my tree he wanted to fall it.
I begged him, "Please no, just let my tree go. It's a tree house I dream of some day." So Daddy just smiled and said, "It grows wild, but I guess I'll let you have your way."
But the winds, they did blow, and I didn't know that alone, one tall tree, it would fall down to the ground with a horrible sound. And my fall tree I'd be forced to saw.
There now stands a tree much shorter than me where the tall tree once stood there before. And in my cabin of wood from the tree that once stood I smile when I open my door.

On The Line

Scared Money
In record time, he bet his dime, intent to win the game. But in pitching pennies dimes count one, so he went broke just the same.

Redheads In The Shower

You might be tempted to think a red head in the shower is a good thing but when that red head happens to be the leader of a terrorist cult bent on taking control of the world's food supply... Well, you just might want to remain dirty... and hungry.

McSteak?

Ronald went to the Cook Out
to find religion there,
praise for God and country
and get rid of his red hair.
'Twas there in Carolina
with 40 to 52 shakes
Ronald learned he'd never learn
from all of his McSteaks.

It would appear it is worse than we could have ever imagined for when a warrior-- even a red headed warrior-- gets religious veal, his dangerous ideology will drive him to destroy all he cannot have.

Sorry about the bad buns... ah, I mean, puns.

Demi Rose Mawby Nude On Page 3

Image
Forget the Naked Dress, the gold dress, the white dress, the lingerie, Tyga getting in the way, the same reposting of the same photos you've seen everywhere else, and the constant teasing, Demi Rose Mawby displays on Instagram and all those other publications, here at Billy's Page 3 Girls you get fashion model Demi Rose in all her natural and uncovered nude glory, everything stripped away for everyone to see just as she was meant to be seen.

 That's right, despite rumors that Demi Rose might be the next all nude page 3 girl to make the pages of The Sun, we got her first here at Wackemall.com. How about you get a little on you too?

Photo via Carol V Newsome


Remember: Don't just whack 'em. Wackemall. Wackemall.com

Parable of the Good Samaritan Redux

I always liked doing good things for other people. It always made me feel all warm inside, you know, like I was somehow making the world a better place to live. But sometimes being a good Samaritan isn't everything people think it to be.

Take for example the time my two neighbors got into a very loud argument over just exactly where the property line was between their yards. They were yelling, shouting, and cursing up a storm so I decided the neighborly thing to do would be to act as an impartial mediator and help them resolve their dispute. Three weeks later I got out of the hospital with $3,000 in medical bills my insurance company wouldn't pay. Not to mention time lost at work.

I decided it would be best if I left my feuding neighbors to their own devices so I decided I'd clean up the trash and old tires that lay scattered about the entire neighborhood.

Now being the trash goes to the city transfer station and the tires must go to the county tire disposal station I hooked …

History Of Wackemall, Part 74: St. Nicholas of Myra

Image
From Wikipedia:

"Saint Nicholas (Greek: Ἅγιος Νικόλαος, Hágios Nikólaos, Latin: Sanctus Nicolaus); (15 March 270 – 6 December 343),[3][4] also called Nikolaos of Myra, was a historic Christian saint and Greek[5]Bishop of Myra, in Asia Minor (modern-day Demre, Turkey).[6] Because of the many miracles attributed to his intercession, he is also known as Nikolaos the Wonderworker (Νικόλαος ὁ Θαυματουργός, Nikólaos ho Thaumaturgós). Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of sailors, merchants, archers, repentant thieves, children, brewers, pawnbrokers and students in various cities and countries around Europe. His reputation evolved among the faithful, as was common for early Christian saints,[7] and his legendary habit of secret gift-giving gave rise to the traditional model of Santa Claus (“Saint Nick”) through Sinterklaas."


Recent expeditions to Turkey and Ireland by researchers working
on behalf of  Wackemall University in Ramseur, North Carolina, have uncovered previously unkno…

Holiday Pay Demands Threaten City Budget

Greensboro, NC-- Citing long hours, the high cost of living, and extended time away from their families and friends, the City's most recently unionized work force is now demanding extra pay for holidays.

Pulling Up Stakes

We work in all weather,
throughout the whole year
while you're home with family
we're at our jobs here.
Our record is spotless,
we never get breaks.
If you don't pay us double
we're pulling up stakes.

Can parking meters really pull up stakes and go somewhere else? I thought they were cemented into the ground. Will the City give into their demands? Stay tuned to PMN, a service of Wackemall Network News, for the latest updates.

Invasion Of The Fast Food Nation

There's a threat out there, bigger than anything you know, more dangerous than you can imagine and known only to those who choke on it.

In other words, it's already too late to care and too late to cry, too late to run and past time to fry.

Hangin’ With Ronald

I think I’ll go hang out with Ronald,
eat burgers, and have a good time:
watch the kids grow an inch
as we sit in the bench
tellin’ stories in riddle and rhyme.

I think I’ll go hang out with Ronald--
maybe, we both can be clowns.
I’ll get some clown paint,
pretend we’re not what we ain’t
as we watch all the people come ‘round.

Perhaps I’ll convince the Hamburglar
that I, am really just small.
I’m less than four feet
when I don’t use my feet,
and together we’ll have us a ball!

I think I’ll go hang out with Ronald,
eatin’ fries as we sit at our seats,
watch all the kids play
havin’ fun every day.
It’s a good time that just can’t be beat!

Wow! I hope all of you enjoyed this quick trip to McDonald’s Playland. Remember: “You …

Parking Immigration Issues

Greensboro, NC-- PMN corespondent Ima Ona Pole brings us the latest on immigration issues as parking meters seek the right to live and work anywhere they like.

Parking Meters Seek Visas

Why can't we work out on the freeway,
in the country, on back roads and lanes?
Why must we all stand at the airports
or downtown? We're going insane!
Why must we be stuck in the alley
when the Parkway has much better views?
Why can't we work out on the freeway--
charge the big rigs for parking there too?

And so it is, we give parking meters, poetry, and now they want the world to be their own.

I Think I Lost My Appetite

Suicide Sandwich

Angry Whopper looked inside.
Sea salt fries were everywhere.
And though he knew he'd have no hope,
concerns tossed to the air.
'Twas in a fit of jealous rage,
he burst into the room,
scattered fries to everywhere
before he met his doom.

And in the distance stood, Chick-fil-A... smiling.


The Fast Food Wars rage on, casualties continue to mount and cholesterol is all that remains standing. Are you willing to die for the cause?

But It's Only Metadata

And to think, folks used to worry they were being watched by their TVs and now they are.

Definition of: The Good Fight

I asked my readers for a definition of "the good fight". You see, people have been telling me for years and years to keep up the good fight but to me it seems those people don't always agree on just what the good fight is.

One reader defined the good fight as "Stayin' alive."

For some I guess, but isn't there more to life than just staying alive to fight another day?

Another reader defined the good fight as: "People pouring their hearts, souls and savings into something they believe in for little reward or recognition.." and went on to point out that I'm in the club.

I replied, "Terrorists pour their hearts, souls, savings, and even their lives into something they believe in for little reward or recognition.."

My reader seemed to agree I'd blown his definition right out of the water.

Another said, "The good fight is when you stay the course despite the odds, keeping the faith, trusting God rather than man."

I replied…

Evolution Proven On City Streets

Everything evolves. Art, science, humanity, nothing escapes evolution. Call it theory if you like but the arguments against evolution are no more than fragile hypothesis with no basis in fact and no chance of stepping-up to become theory. In other words, these arguments are unable to evolve to the level of theory making them the exception that proves the rule. And no where in our world is proof of evolution stronger and more recognizable than in those who line our modern city streets.

Post Modern Parking Meter

No Need To complain,
no need to get spastic.
Don't have any change?
Fine, I take plastic!

So if you are tired,
perhaps feeling lethargic,
don't worry 'bout cash
'cause now you can charge it!

Today's highly evolved Parking Meter Poem has been made possible by everyone who feeds the parking meters.

As The Balls Go 'Round

Windows 10 Update
"Working on updates 100% complete" So why am I still waiting?

Exposing Ugly Truths

Sunshine
Light is like water, it flows all around in every direction, every surround. You always want more, you can't get enough 'til the light shines on you exposing your rough...

The 100 Year War Comes To Greensboro

Image
Greensboro, NC- Police were put on full alert late last night when the war came to Downtown Greensboro. Wackemall Network News reporter Burger N Fries brings us the latest updates:

Hardee Gets Stung

Hardee screamed his final breath.
Thick Burgers would not save him.
Betrayed by the clown, ridiculed, put down,
the King would soon enslave him.
Sentenced to live perpetually
the one nobody knew,
he cried to the Green Hornet...


And so it is, while Hardee and Carl Jr plot the assassination of the king, the Fast Food Wars drag on, everyone is hungry, and Greensboro awaits the next attack.

The Adventures Of Arnie And Jake: Chapter 2, Arnie's Vacation

Image
Julia Weaver has been reading aloud my book, The Adventures Of Arnie And Jake-- Two Little Ants In A Big Ant Army. Today Julia brings us Chapter 2, Arnie's Vacation:



To be continued...

Some Of Us Simply Haven't The Patience

My second wife and I worked as a husband and wife truck driving team for a short while. One night in Gilroy, California, after driving 10 hours plus spending 4 hours unloading the truck I gave her directions, "Turn right and the end of the driveway and follow that road to the Interstate. Then go south. I'll wake up before you get to San Diego."
I woke up 8 hours later only to discover we were still in Gilroy, just a couple of miles from where she started driving. "What happened?" I asked. "Why are we still in Gilroy?"
"I've been driving all night," she answered "I got lost."
"Did you know you were lost?" I asked.
"Yes," she answered.
"So why didn't you wake me?" I asked.
"Because I was scared you'd be mad," she answered.
"Not nearly as mad as I am now," I grumbled.
But I didn't raise my voice, I made no threats, I simply gave her the correct directions and allowed her to dri…

The Adventures Of Arnie And Jake: Chapter 1, Arnie And The Cherry Pie

Image
Some years ago I penned my first children's book, The Adventures of Arnie And Jake-- Two Little Ants In A Big Ant Army.

As luck would have it, the publisher went out of business after shipping me 500 advance copies and after I personally sold those 500 copies no one else would ever be able to to enjoy The Adventures Of Arnie And Jake again. That is, no one until now as my friend Julia Weaver is reading Arnie and Jake aloud and posting it aloud on the Internet for everyone to listen to and enjoy.

So here's Julia Weaver with Arnie And The Cherry Pie.




Please continue to The Adventures Of Arnie And Jake: Chapter 2, Arnie's Vacation

Definition Of Help

It perhaps wasn't always so but these days it seems people only see money as help and if you haven't money to give then you are no help at all. Help equals money.

The Last Mermaid: Page 5

A continuation of The Last Mermaid

Farmer Nick stood before the Guilty County... Excuse me, I keep doing that over and over again. I meant to say Farmer Nick stood before the Guilford County Commissioners, pleaded his case, and begged for more time to pay his back taxes and avoid foreclosure but the decision was unanimous: Farmer Nick had just 30 days to pay all his back taxes or the Guilty... I mean, Guilford County Tax Department would take Spring Fed Farm and force Nick and his children to leave.

Of course the local News & Fishwrap wasted no time in running a sad story about the foreclosure of Spring Fed Farm and by the middle of the next morning every leech... ah, I mean, real estate developer in 15 counties was looking over Nick's farm like vultures circling dying road kill. Some of them were even flying around in airplanes or using unmanned drones to get a better look at the property since Farmer Nick had expressly forbid all of them from coming on the property.

For a t…

Fast Food Gets Down And Dirty

Undisclosed Location-- Somewhere deep behind enemy lines, Wackemall Network News corespondent, Burger N Fries uncovers the addictive fast food porn being used to fund the fast food wars.

Fast Food Cravings

Cherry Limeade walked the street
to try and ply the King.
Cinnamon Twist hated her
and plotted her defeat.

Big Box Meal and Quad Steak
dreamed of eating her taco.
Cinnamon Twist, in a jealous rage,
said, "Cherry has to go!"

She called around to the red head clown
and cut with him a deal,
said, "Buy Miss Limeade off my hands
and I will never squeal."

And Ronald whispered, "Sometimes I crave myself... Is that so wrong?"

With that, Fast Food Delights, The Story of the Fast Food Wars continues to play out behind the scenes of big juicy burgers, melted cheese, crunchy tortilla chips, salty fries, MSG and club sandwiches.

Leaving us to wonder just what was Burger N Fries doing under the covers in the first place, and why won't he disclose his location?

Not All Pioneers Are Heroes

A lot of pioneers end up as no more than forgotten cobblestones under the feet of heroes.

Dixie Chicken

Image
Dreams are funny things. You can not think about someone or something for years then suddenly there it is in your dreams just as if it were yesterday. And while I'll not mention any names I'll tell you of a dream I had night before last.

I was seated at a table in a bar with a bunch of old friends-- all men I've known 20 to 50 years-- and one somewhat younger man who was new to the group. We were enjoying our time together, talking motorcycles, adventures from our youth, and the jobs we finally retired from when in walked an attractive woman we all knew all too well, holding the arm of another old friend.

It was then the younger fellow looked up at her and we could all see he was quite taken with her. After all these years she still had it and he wanted it-- badly.

Of course, you know how dreams can be and here's where it gets weird. As she walked past she handed him a note but the rest of us had all developed super vision and could read the note even before he could r…

The Last Mermaid: Page 4

A continuation of The Last Mermaid

On Spring Fed Farm in Guilty County, North Carolina, the children worried what would happen if Farmer Nick lost the farm or if the farm was annexed by the City of Gravesboro and taken by public domain. Nick had tried to keep it a secret by no longer subscribing to the local News & Fishwrap but the children had read about it on the Internet. They had also read of changes in North Carolina state law that prohibit judges from waving fees against poor people, thereby creating debtors prisons one again. The thought that Farmer Nick might end up in a North Carolina prison simply because he had no money frightened them all to no end.

Of course, Nick, always thinking of others and never concerned with his own fate, worried about what might happen to the children. Would the family be split apart, never to see one another again? Would the children end up in foster homes only to be kicked out to live on the streets on their eighteenth birthdays? And what ab…

Solutions Are Easy

Social Democracy paid for by willing democratic capitalists. It's the only solution.

Remember: Your Vote Counts?

Why Soldiers Die

The ballots cast, the hopes are dashed, the few still rule the many. Each time around, the calls they sound: Get out and vote for any. But all who win commit the sins of lusting for the gold while those who died to put them there lie buried 'neath the cold.

Park Anywhere For A Price

Parking concerns run rampant and to get to the core of the issue, I spoke with a prominent big city parking meter who doesn't want to be identified. Here's what he had to say.

If You Don't Love It, Leave It

From Chitown east to Boston
they're making it real hard.
And so, if you don't like it
then pahk your cah in the yahd!

And that my friends, ends today's PMN Special Report.

Somewhere, Merle Haggard, is still laughing his ass off at the people who actually believed Okie from Muskogee was true.

The Proper Time To Pass The Buck

Don't be fooled when people say they want their problems solved for what they really want is to be told is that someone else is responsible for the problems they, themselves, created. What they really want is confirmation their incorrect opinions are correct.

If you advise them their opinions are correct when in-fact they are wrong, they will come to see you as a bad advisor. When things finally fall apart they won't come back to you and will tell others it was your fault. If you honestly inform them their opinions are wrong they will go away angry, still commit the same mistakes, then come back again only to get angry with you again because you again refuse to confirm their opinions.

So after many years of being asked to confirm incorrect opinions I've come to the conclusion it is best to simply tell them I don't know the answer even if I do know the answer.

No, they're not happy with that either but it forces them to find someone else to blame for their mistakes rat…

Has Eveyone Forgotten We're At War?

Sonic Assassin

Make no doubt she was a Smoothie
with her Ched 'R 'Pepper cocked
as she walked in the White Castle.
She only had one shot.
One shot to get before the King,
one shot to watch him die
and nothing left but destiny
to get free of the fries.


And so, like the Java Chillers who hide in the wilderness, we anxiously await the news of the King's demise and wonder if the Fast Food War will ever serve whirled peas.

The Last Mermaid: Page 3

A continuation of The Last Mermaid

While the yacht was every bit as beautiful up close as it had been at a distance, Julia immediately sensed that something wasn't quite right. For you see, Julia was expecting to see sailors aboard and from where she was looking, there on the bow-- you know, the front of the ship-- Julia couldn't see a single sailor. As a matter of fact, Julia couldn't see anyone at all. "Ahoy there," Julia shouted, "permission to come aboard, please?"

You see, even though Julia was technically already on the ship it's still always best to let sailors know you want to come aboard before just traipsing across someone else's ship. It's like knocking on someone's door before you go inside their house. All across the deck Julia searched, "Hello, hello, is anyone here?" bow to stern but nowhere was anyone to be found. "Just my luck," Julia said, "I find the prettiest ship on the entire ocean and the sai…

Two Eagles Talking

Image
"You know they're electing a new mayor in Greensboro, North Carolina."

"If you call 11 percent turn out an election."

"Why do you think so few show up to vote?"

"Did you read the News & Fishwrap?"

"What about it?"

"No mention of Democracy Greensboro and the largest turnout for any voter forum in the entire city."

"You mean the media controls the message?"

"Just as sure as you and I have feathers."

Get the best of Two Eagles Talking straight from the nest, right here at Wackemall.com. I mean, it sure beats voting for a loser.

Photo credit Harry Pherson Photography

The Search For Truth

No one hordes the truth, few actually wish to hear it. The man high upon the mountain knows nothing more of truth than exists everywhere. People who aren't willing to search for the truth right at home will never find it anywhere.

The Last Mermaid: Page 2

A continuation of The Last Mermaid

Day after day, week after week, month after month Julia swam the Atlantic Ocean hoping to catch a ride with a young, eligible sailor but every time she spotted a ship headed her way it was always the same, "Hey, over here. Look out! Be careful! Slow down!" Julia would shout before diving out of the way of the speeding ship only to come back up and shout, "You fool, you could have killed me!"

Life is hard and very dangerous for a 21st Century Mermaid.

But not every day was like that. Most of Julia's days were spent swimming around the ocean, occasionally catching rides on the backs of giant turtles and hanging out with playful dolphins. Once she even hitched a ride on the back of a giant sperm whale and when he blew his water spout he shot Julia high into the air. "Weeeee!" Julia shouted as she rose up through the air.

Other days Julia would try to swim to the ends of the rainbows stopping to rest upon tiny atolls far…

The Revolution Begins

Greensboro, NC-- Wackemall Network News special corespondent  Ima Ona Pole brings us the latest update as angry parking meters backed by Antifa, have taken positions lining downtown streets in a bid to take over the city.

Funding War With Coin Slots

Parking meters lined the streets
firm upon their poles,
confident they wouldn't fall,
secure in their new rolls
as solders in the righteous fight
to take our country back,
not knowing they could never move
to lead the first attack.

Wow, bummer man. No one told them they were cemented to the sidewalks. Good thing it's only Parking Meter Poetry and not a real war.

The Last Mermaid

Julia could have been born a dinosaur, perhaps a tyrannosaurus rex sometime during the  Cretaceous Period, some 68 to 66 million years ago but Julia wasn't a dinosaur. Julia could have been born a mermaid sometime in the 1500s, discovered by Spanish or English sailors sailing to the New World, but in the 1500s Julia was yet to be. Instead, Julia was born a modern day mermaid in the 21st century.

Being as it had been over 300 years since the last time a mermaid had been born, things had changed rather significantly for mermaids and sailors. You see, back in the days of wooden sailing ships, the ships weren't really all that big nor were they all that fast. Sailors could easily spot a beautiful mermaid as she rose to the top of the water to capture the attentions of handsome young sailors.

But in the 21st Century ships are much bigger and so much faster. Why from the deck of most merchant ships it is so far down to the water that a mermaid hardly looks any bigger than a tiny shr…

Make Mine A Footlong

Here in the hidden newsrooms of Wackemall Network News we bring you the latest developments in the disappearance of Sally's Hot Dogs.

Dogs Gone Bad
(Or Footlong On The Freeway?)

Mayor McCheese down on his knees,
he bowed before the King.
The red headed clown had let him down
and now the Mayor sings,
"I never touched Dear Sally's dogs.
I swear upon my life.
It was Ronald who absconded with
Tim Horton's dear sweet wife."

And so while Tim Horton sits pulling his pork, awaiting Sally's return, the Fast Food Wars continue with the Burger King issuing a warrant for the arrest of Ronald McDonald, wanted: dead or alive. Preferably fried.

No Politicians. Needed

Revolutions have no need for politicians. Revolutions need only warriors who are willing to go to battle. Once the seeds of revolution are planted the revolution will be fought. Sometimes the loss of an election is but fertilizer upon which to grow a healthy revolution.

Give it water in times of drought and sunshine will do the rest.

The Fastest Way To Hell

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And most people get there riding high horses with fast gaits. Why not come out of the saddle, walk with the rest of us, and not be in such a hurry to get there?