Sep 30, 2017

The 100 Year War The Media Forgot

Today Wackemall Network News journalist,  Biff Burger, brings us a story the liberal main stream media has been covering up for the last 100 years.

Red Tide And A Rising Sun


Old fashioned hamburgers lie dead on the streets.
Sea salt fries had met their defeat
from a mercenary, the red headed clown
and legions of stackers who helped beat them down
when off in the distance, we heard from the east,
Mr Lee's noodles were ready to feast.
And the samurai ninjas of the beef bowl revival,
chopsticks at the ready, Yoshinoya's, the rival....

And it's said, the King trembled...


That's right, Folks, 100 years of Fast Food Wars have been going on world wide for the last 100 years and the liberal main stream media has been keeping it a secret to keep their conservative bosses fat and happy.

Sep 29, 2017

Rx For A Motorcyclist

I went to my doctor
for pills and the like.
His written Rx, "Take your pills,
crank your bike...
And ride.

But always wear a helmet."

Hey, doctors have to say those things....

Sep 28, 2017

Prejudices

There are 3 kinds of prejudices;

1. Prejudices based in actual bad experiences.
2. Prejudices handed down through generations.
3. Prejudices imagined.

1 and 2 are partly based in events that took place at some point in time and can sometimes be overcome through exposure and education.
3 is a mental health issue for which we currently know little about.

Meter Madness?

Before You Walk Away

So hastily you race away
curse my name and curse the day...
but I was never born, you see
and your anger doesn't bother me.

Now put your quarters in the slot
and turn the knob.

And with that the Parking Meter Poems continue here at Wackemall.com 'cause there's nothing better to do... And if by chance you're a parking meter and would like your poetry to be displayed here then all you need do is channel me.

Sep 26, 2017

Politics Today


I think the next move is for the American people, left, right, and center, is to wise up and stop allowing ourselves to be played by politicians and media left, right, and center.

As Andy Griffith said to the folks of Mayberry, "Y'all act like you got some sense."

Sep 25, 2017

Back In The Days Of Old

Fast Food Cowboys

When the Burger Chef was laid to rest,
Hardee only stood to gain.
Chef's money in his pocket,
he was in the game again.
And when Roy Rogers stumbled
Hardee quickly put him down
as if his name were Trigger,
lame horse left on the ground.

"Gino had it coming,"
some heard Hardee say
As the Colonel took down Lum
and took their beer away.
They hid in the White Tower
'They'll never force us out!"
But then rode in Carl Jr
and they began to doubt.

And as Roy's horse Trigger and his faithful dog Bullet wait for Roy's return, Dale baby sits Bob's big boy and dreams of the days before they got involved in the Fast Food Wars.

Happy trails!

Blood Stains

"I am watching you," she said to me.
"The naturalist will set you free.
The designer, she knows the plan,
a league of legends at your command."

So to Mad City we made our way,
our fire sticks raised to light the way.
"Look what you made me do," I heard her say.
I feel it still, Southern blood stained grey.

The Difference Between Leaf Blowers And Loud Motorcycles

It's only loud when someone else is doing it.

Sep 24, 2017

May There Be Peas On Earth

The Streets Ran Red

H J Heinz was waiting.
A cover-up was planned.
With the Burger King he'd plotted;
5 guys were in the van
parked out in the parking lot
to take McDonald down.
But they got into an argument
and the fries all gathered 'round.

With big macs at the ready,
the fries, they all closed in.
For 5 guys it was over
before it could begin.
And while Heinz, he watched in horror,
BK, he slipped away,
escaped just like he always does
to run another day.

And as the ketchup covers the streets a tiny voice in the distance cries out, "Whirled peas! Get your whirled peas!"

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates and reruns from the Fast Food Wars where given enough artificial ingredients anything can be made to taste great.

Why We Ride Motorcycles

Spirit Race

The sun came out, we didn't ride far--
stayed off of the highways, away from the cars.
Weren't out to set records, no need for much speed,
just twisted the throttle, rode 'way on chrome steeds.
No problems, no worries, no hurry today.
While most watched the games we made our own way.
And when the day ended just like it begun
we smiled in knowing our spirits had won.

Sep 23, 2017

Secret Orders And No Flight Zones

There are those who look for reason, those who look for pain, those who cry, "More season, or I'll not eat here again."

And those who only fly away after everything is gone.

And so it is, the Fast Food Wars continue right here at Wackemall Network News, where we bring you the news no one else dares to taste.

Sep 22, 2017

I'll Never Fall In Love Again

Bipolar Motorcycle

She whispers sweetly, "Come on, let's play,"
but when I arrive, "I didn't mean today!"
She fires right up, then cuts right off,
leaving me thinking, of taking up golf.

She's dressed all in black with looks that kill,
then fouls her plugs. "Baby, what's the deal?
I buy her jewelry, she says, "For me?"
the proceeds to tell me how it's going to be.

I take her to dinner, she drinks high test
'cause she deserves the very best.
She smiles, "Jump on. It's time to ride!"
I push her home, "Baby, please decide."

The roar of her pipes tell me she's mine.
I polish her chrome and make her shine.
"You know I love you but you push me 'way,"
then she whispers sweetly, "Come on, let's play."

Why Do I Still Do It?

The Old Farmer

I used to love to tend the earth--
a labor of love for me.
But now I'm old, my body aches,
each shovel pains me three.
But still I dig and still I grow;
our struggle still goes on.
Young minds need food to understand
young hearts must carry on.

Sep 21, 2017

Why I Only Do First Drafts

Screw it, I'm only entertaining myself, why should it have to hurt later?

What The MSM Won't Tell You About The War

Santiago, Chile-- From an undisclosed location somewhere in the city, Wackemall Network News corespondent Chips N Salsa brings you this morning's exclusive Fast Food War update.


The King Of Chili

The Burger King said to Wendy,
"It's time you gave it up.
Go ahead on and send me
a super sized frosty cup.
I'll give you back a Whopper--
a triple, that's for sure,
and all fries you can stand
for as long as you endure."

And Wendy said to the Burger King,
"It might be I'm a red head
but I don't bow down
to you or the clown.
I think I'd rather be dead.
So go ahead and send your fries
for I've fries of my own
and we'll cut out your little spuds' eyes
and send them crying home."

Meanwhile, the Bacconator quietly awaits his orders.

And so it remains, the Fast Food Wars continue to be fought on fronts around the world with no attention from the main stream media, their clogged arteries mined extensively with cholesterol and waiting for their hearts to explode

Sep 19, 2017

Long Term Effects Of LSD

While my observations are casual, looking back at my fellow Boomers as I knew them years ago, I've come to the conclusion that the long term effects of excessive use of LSD is almost certainly a shift to the political far right.

Sep 18, 2017

And Watch Out For Motorcycles!

 The Other Guy

You stop and go, apply the brakes,
and then jump on the gas
while others all around you watch
and shout out, “Hey, Dumb ass!
you’re messing up the traffic flow
and pissing us all off!
The idea is to drive the car,
not drive as if it’s golf!”

So listen to this little rhyme
before you drive once more,
and learn to take your precious time
and leave some space galore.
Count out four seconds in between
yours and the car ahead,
for if the stress don’t kill you
the crash will leave you dead.

And remember: You’re the other guy.
Watch out for the other guy.

Sep 17, 2017

Eat More Politicians?

The politicians campaign saying they want us to have a chicken in every pot while they eat steak. I think it's time they shared some of that red meat too.

Parking In The Windy City Sucks

 Chicago, Il-- Wackemall Network News corespondent, Ima Ona Pole brings you this story of disgruntled commuters and jacked up parking meters in the Windy City where the hot air continues to blow.

 Battle Hymn Of The Parking Meter, II
(To the tune of The Battle Hymn of the Republic)

Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Chitown's gonna sock it to ya'.
They're cutting us all out
but will raise your tax, no doubt.
The truth keeps marching on.

This edition of Parking Meter News has been made possibly by the National Association of Slimy Municipal Lobbyists, coming up with new ways to separate you from your hard earned money for over 300 years. And by Slappy Turds. Then again, perhaps no one sponsored it at all.

Sep 15, 2017

Take Drugs

A close friend of mine had a heart attack a few years ago and was hospitalized for over a month. While in the hospital his ex wife, sister, adult daughter and mother all came to town and stayed in his house. They swept the house completely clean of anything and everything any heart patient has ever been told he couldn't eat.

They even got rid of his beer making equipment. He made really great home brewed beer.

Then, when he returned home the girls took turns cooking him 3 heart healthy meals a day. My friend was miserable. Everything tasted like cardboard.

After about two weeks he went to see his doctor for a check-up and asked, "Doc, what am I not allowed to eat?"

"Eat anything you like," the doctor said. "We'll control it with drugs."

Sep 14, 2017

Escape

The only escape from domination is to create a parallel economic system that does not depend on the system currently in place. They can neither take nor control what they cannot see nor measure.

Reindeer Served Here

I know it's a little early for Christmas but I don't mention it often and I doubt most of my readers even know about the children's book I published back in 2007, titled Reindeer Tales: Two Classic Christmas Stories.

That's right, it's actually two delightfully fun, modern day Christmas stories in the same book.



The cover art was done by Burlington, North Carolina artist, Sissy Resh, a former Burlington Police officer, mother to Dusty, and long time husband to my motorcycle riding bro, Wooley, who sometimes appears in various stories here at Wackemall.com under various assumed names in real and fictitious adventures that unlike Reindeer Tales, might not be appropriate for all ages.

Both stories, The Great Reindeer Get-a-way, and The Reindeer Shoe will keep your entire family entertained for hours and you'll want to read it again year after year. Not bad for $10.99.

Threats From Across The Pond

This just in: Wackemall News Network foreign correspondent Fish N Chips, is  reporting this morning of what is said to be a British Invasion.


It's Gotta Be Red

Late night delights--
he gave her the drive-thru
and Wendy screamed
until the redheaded clown
could stand it no more
and ran to escape the shrill.
The war was over for some
but just beginning for others...


And Red Rooster watches from his perch atop the White Castle, waiting to see Eddie Rockets blazing towards the battlegrounds of the Fast Food Wars.


What were you expecting-- a poem about parking meters?The BBC? Page 3 Girls? Yeah, we got that!

Sep 13, 2017

Online Debates

Talking with some people is like arguing with a rock that doesn't believe it is made of stone-- pointless and sure to leave you sore.

Somebody Took All The Apples From My Tree

Every morning I walk outside, feed the cats, water the plants, and tend the gardens as necessary making sure to look at every vegetable, herb, and fruit in my gardens front and back.

In my front yard near the street is a dwarf apple tree, a Yellow Delicious I planted about 7 years ago. Just as the nursery said, the tree has finally reached full maturity and this year was a bumper crop of crisp green apples waiting to ripen. The most the tree has ever bared even after an early Spring freeze killed off some of the blossoms.

Occasionally a squirrel will be seen robbing an apple from the tree but the funny little furry guys actually prefer my tomatoes so it's not really a problem. And I always grow extra tomatoes.

But the other morning when I walked out I noticed that overnight, every apple on my tree had been picked without my knowing. And they weren't even ripe yet. Someone must be making apple sauce or apple jelly.

I just smiled.

I smiled because I planted that tree so that people could eat apples. I turn around and act like I don't see when the neighborhood children steal my strawberries. I ignore people walking by and picking big juicy tomatoes from the plants I grow by the side of the road knowing I've got more around back. And if they want to cut a few herbs I'm cool with that. Most people ask first and that's good, but the truth is, I knew there would be some pilferage when I started planting out front and it still seemed like a better idea than grass.

But what made me smile the most was the fact than not one single limb on my apple tree had been damaged. That tells me that the person who took my apples cares about trees and wants the tree to make more apples next year. That's the important thing.

Maybe next year he or she will be back and I'll catch 'em in the act. If I do I'll thank them. After all, being I no longer have any teeth I can't eat fresh apples-- they saved me from having to pick them up off the ground this fall.

Two Eagles Talking

"You know they actually pay politicians?"

"For what, flying around and pooping on everything below? I could do that job."

"You already do that job. Both of us do."

"So why aren't we getting paid too?"

"I guess because you and I are smart enough to know how to catch fish all on our own."




This edition of Two Eagles Talking, an exclusive of Wackemall.com, was made possible by political BS Lots of political BS. And hot air from politicians everywhere.

Photo credit: Tim Van Horn.

Sep 12, 2017

Be Careful What You Ask For

A friend and I walked into an all night diner one night quite stoned back in the day, and ordered steaks. When asked how he wanted it my friend answered, "Lop off it's horns, shave it's ass and serve it."

The cook who was only a few feet away, pulled a steak from the freezer, tossed it on the grill, flipped it, and served it still frozen.

We could only laugh.

Sep 11, 2017

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Park Downtown

Greensboro, NC-- Wackemall Network News journalist Ima Ona Pole brings us the latest parking meter news, the story of a stalker arrested in the vicinity of Downtown Greensboro.

Parking Meter Stalkers


You drive into the parking lot
checking everybody out,
thinking how you're oh so cool
and haven't any doubt.
But we know what you're up to--
we know your one desire
to find a meter with lots of time
before your time expires.

The suspect stalker, identified as Nancy Barakat Vaughan, remains on the loose and is believed to be employed by the City of Greensboro. Should you or anyone you know, know of her whereabouts, please contact Greensboro Parking Enforcement as soon as possible.

Sep 10, 2017

Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 543

Operation Enduring Digitarti--Home

Viral marketing, he thought, viral marketing is what I need to make Operation Enduring Digitarti a success. If I can just get some attractive young fans to go around talking about me I'll take the publishing industry by storm.

Made sense at the time. After all, the best publicity is always free. And it had to be better than spending hours on hold. I'm going out to find some hot young fans who will spread the word and make me a superstar without having to spend a dime.

But you see there were two problems with his plan: First, he was a middle aged white male going through male menopause and didn't know any hot young fans who were willing to promote his "talent" for free. Most wouldn't if he paid them. And second it was time to mow the lawn.

"Oh well," he mumbled, "Might as well go deep in debt for that used red sports car."

Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 534

Operation Enduring Digitarti--Home

Entry 534- 542

Redacted


Please continue reading Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 543

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Backed Up

Rotting away, an eternity
of knowing no way out.
Damned if I do, dammed if I don't--
Damned without a doubt.
The acids flow-- where, I don't know
excepting when they don't.
God, how I hate plumbing
when it's motorcycle time I want.


This has got to be the worst vacation ever. And the plumbing is still backed up.

Sep 9, 2017

History Of Wackemall, Part 72: Georges Cuvier

Jean Léopold Nicolas Frédéric Cuvier, aka Georges Cuvier (1769 –1832) was a French naturalist and zoologist, sometimes referred to as the "father of paleontology". A major figure in natural sciences research in the early 1800s, he was instrumental in establishing the fields of comparative anatomy and paleontology. Cuvier is known for establishing extinction as fact.

Cuvier's accomplishments included establishing that elephant-like bones found in the USA belonged to an extinct animal he later would name as a mastodon, and that a large skeleton dug up in Paraguay was that of Megatherium-- a giant, prehistoric ground sloth. He was one of the first to suggest the earth has been dominated by reptiles, or reptilians, rather than mammals, since prehistoric times.

Cuvier is also remembered for opposing theories of evolution.

Something else Georges Cuvier apparently opposed but did not deny, was the existence of Wackemall as made apparent by this quote found recently by researchers:

"All of these facts, consistent among themselves, and not opposed by any report, seem to me to prove the existence of a world previous to ours, destroyed by some kind of wackemall."

While Georges Cuvier's name would go on to become one of the 72 names inscribed on the Eiffel Tower there is little evidence that he ever brought his study of prehistoric wackemall to light. It has since been lost. Perhaps he simply considered the study too advanced for the scientific community of his day.

The History of Wackemall is the history of the world. Just not the way you thought it to be.

Just Another Day On The Job

There was a dude giving me a really hard time at the salvage yard one day where I worked as the general manager, and I had listened to all I was going to take. Behind him one of my equipment operators was sitting in the cab of one of our excavators (track hoe) listening. I finally looked at the jerk and shouted, "Do you know how deep Jamie can bury you with that thing?"

As Jamie fired up the excavator he shouted, "About 30 feet, Boss."

Few times have I seen a man leave so quickly.



I miss Jamie. He died of a heart attack a few years ago. I actually got into the argument that day because the man was trying to intimidate the men who worked for me-- something I never allowed.

I'll Have A Cup Of What She's Having

Hollyweird, Ca-- Journalist Burger N Fries of Wackemall Network News reports that the Fast Food Wars are being financed with pornography in his latest report. That's right: Fast Food Porn:


Espresso Straight Through The Heart

Sweet Cappuccino stood freezing outside.
She wanted to leave but alas, had no ride.
Mourning her loss and the death of the king
she'd squandered her sugar on foaming machines.

In walked Miss Mocha, her chocolate so sweet
the fries dreamed they'd have her as they fought in the streets
but the fries, they were dying in pools of hot grease
and until the clown dies they'll not get a piece.

Sep 8, 2017

Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 26

I found a Monster Tea Party 
in time lapse
but got no tea.

And Li-Fi (Light Fidelity)
which will replace Wi-Fi
except when it's shaded.

I found a house designed to fit between trees
as if woven into the forest,
Cool... until the trees begin to fall.

I found a big ass message.
What did you expect me to do?

And 20 brutal truths about life
no one wants to admit.
Shut up. I don't want to talk about them.

So I put them all in the Lost and Found.

Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 533

Operation Enduring Digitarti--Home


 Not to be deterred by my previous setbacks and unintended casualties I decided to get Harper Collins on the phone thinking someone there might be wise enough to see me as the great author I really am. I mean, hey why not? Surely one publisher will be smart enough to see the writing on the wall and join the revolution.

"Honey, are you still on the phone?"

"Yes, Dear."

"But you've been on the phone for hours and hours. Wouldn't you rather be here in bed with me?"

"I know, but I still haven't gotten anyone to answer."

"That's because it's 1:00 Am on July the 4th and they're all on vacation. I'd really like for you to come to bed."

"That's okay, I'll hold."

For the latest updates on Operation Enduring Digitarti... Well that was the link.

To continue reading Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 534... Is it safe to assume you know how links work or must I tell you to click on Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 534?

Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 523

Operation Enduring Digitarti--Home

Entry 523- 532

Redacted

Please continue reading  Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 533

The Hard Way

Those who seek vengeance for the sake of vengeance shall learn vengeance. The hard way.

Last Minute Breakdown

Just before the big ride
the damned thing breaks
due to worn out parts
or my mistakes?
So it's off with the tank
and out with the gas,
clean everything up,
inspect to the last.

Could be only a speck,
a bit of trash
but whatever it is
it won't let me pass
so it's off to the shed
to pick up some tools,
clean everything out,
replace all the fuel.

Get 'er all warmed up
and ready to roll
before the big weekend
and regret takes its toll.
So please wish me luck
that the problem's soon found
and we all ride away
to seek higher ground.

The Test

With only speculation
I handled bolts and tools,
studied appreciation
of torque and varied fuels
to make a slight adjustment
and button all back down
I'm off to put her to the test,
her two wheels on the ground.

And while just slightly pensive
I aimed for Interstate
hoping that my little fix
wouldn't duplicate.
the problems of the day before
that kept me through the night.
I had to get her buttoned up--
had to get her right.

I pulled back on the throttle.
The same route I would ride,
forty, fifty, sixty,
even sixty-five.
Seventy, eighty, ninety,
all was going well.
I pushed her to a hundred plus,
slowed down, cruised a spell.

Fixed!

Sep 7, 2017

Have It Your Way, Joe

From an undisclosed location somewhere in the city. And so it is, journalist Burger N Fries brings us the latest Fast Food Delights as the war drags on and the foul play never ends.


Burger City Brothel

BK Joe, he came to town,
said, "I'll keep 'em hoppin'."
Sonic Poppers hung from his side,
from death there was no stopping.
Tendercrisp was tied in there,
filet so soft and sweet.
Tomorrow, they would turn her out.
Next week she'd be spoilt meat.


Fast Food Delights, the story of the Fast Food Wars is on its way to becoming... Something? An exclusive of Wackemall Network News brought to you by perverts. That's right, perverts. Who else would turn out a lovely Tendercrisp if not perverts?

History Of Wackemall, Part 71: Sir Walter Raleigh

Sir Walter Raleigh (1554-- 1618) English explorer, landed gentleman, writer, poet, soldier, politician, courtier, and spy. The man first sent to the new world by Queen Elizabeth I of England and well known for popularising tobacco there.

According to Wikipedia:

"In 1584, Queen Elizabeth granted Raleigh a royal charter authorising him to explore, colonise and rule any "remote, heathen and barbarous lands, countries and territories, not actually possessed of any Christian Prince or inhabited by Christian People," in return for one-fifth of all the gold and silver that might be mined there."

Raleigh, who never visited North America but for whom the capital of North Carolina is named, made several trips to South America said to be in search of the mythical "El Dorado" or "City of Gold" that was believed to exist there.

Raleigh wrote fictional accounts of his discoveries, exaggerating his findings, leading some to believe he was never searching for gold but perhaps for something even more elusive, for in an early draft of his poem The Nymph's Reply to the Shepherd, researchers from Wackemall University discovered the following.

"But true love is a durable fire,
In the mind ever burning,
Never sick, never old, never dead,
From itself never turning.

If all the world and love were young,
And truth in every shepherd's tongue,
These pretty pleasures might me move
To live with thee and be thy wackemall."


And in this recently discovered first draft of Sir Walter Raleigh's poem The Lie, he writes:

"Go, Soul, the body's guest,
Upon a thankless errand;
Fear not to touch the best;
The truth shall be thy wackemall:"


Could Wackemall have been the real reason Sir Walter Raleigh was twice imprisoned and later executed? At his execution he said the following to his executioner, "At this hour my ague comes upon me. I would not have my enemies think I quaked from fear." After he was allowed to see the axe that would be used to behead him, he mused: "This is a sharp Medicine, but it is a Physician for all diseases and miseries." Raleigh's last words were: "Strike, man, strike!"

In his cell was a pouch assumed to contain tobacco with rge following Latin inscription: Comes meus fuit in illo miserrimo tempore ("It was my companion at that most miserable time").

But nowhere in the historical record does it actually say the pouch held tobacco.

Please continue reading History Of Wackemall, Part 72: Georges Cuvier


Sep 6, 2017

Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 522

Operation Enduring Digitarti--Home

 He had worked hard, planned well and assembled an army of digital warriors that numbered... well, over a dozen but they were experts of wit and verse with sharp pens and battle hardened typing skills, the finest the world had to offer and with his wisdom, insight and leadership the publishing industry would fall to Operation Enduring Digitarti while on the streets they would shout out, "Wackemall" and write songs in his honor.

He had mapped out his plans knowing there would be casualties, unintended targets , friendly fire incidents and those who would turn and run but in the end he knew he would rule the literary world bringing to their knees those who had stood upon the necks of the poor poets and aggravated authors who had never been given their just due by an industry concerned more with beauty than mastery, mass -merchandising over medium.

Yes, soon he would lead his hordes to victory over their oppressors and forever change the landscape of the literary world as millions flocked to him grateful just for the chance to see his face, the lucky weeping as they reached out to touch his long gray beard. They would come from around the world to celebrate his birthday...

But today he had jury duty and that just sucks.

Who knows, he thought, maybe while I'm at the court house they'll serve that warrant on me for literary terrorism and I'll get my picture in the local news.

Please continue reading  Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 523

Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 513

Operation Enduring Digitarti--Home

Entry 513- 521

Redacted
Please continue reading Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 522


Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 512

Operation Enduring Digitarti--Home


Much to his dismay, he read the poster on the post office wall before walking over to the postal clerk to mail another submission to yet another publishing company.


Wanted

Billy Jones
Suspected of Literary Terrorism
Suspect probably harmless



Reward $5.oo


The clerk didn't even notice him. "Wow," he mumbled to himself, "Am I actually going to have to hurt someone to get that reward jacked up enough so someone will pay attention?"

Please continue reading Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 513

City Installs Singing Parking Meters

Chicago, Il-- Since the privatization of parking meters by the City of Chicago a war has waged between the public and the Parking Slave Masters with Parking Meters Slaves caught in the middle. Today journalist Stuck Ona Pole brings the latest to viewers of Wackemall Network News.

 The Battle Hymn Of The Parking Meter
(To the tune of the Battle Hymn Of The Republic.)

"Glory glory Hallelujah!
City's gonna sock it to ya'.
Fees are going up
but they never get enough.
The truth goes marching on."


Today's parking meter song was made possible by Books by Billy, the cities where you live and work, and the crooked politicians who run your cities. And run-on sentences. No mice were harmed in the making of this song. Well, there was that one but he ran out behind a car that was backing out of a metered space. Always look both ways before crossing.



Sep 5, 2017

Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 511

Operation Enduring Digitarti--Home

 "What do you mean you don't accept un-agented submissions?" I shouted into the telephone. I was already angry as it had taken me hours to actually get a real person to the telephone and now the lady had the audacity to lie to me.

"We have never accepted un-agented submissions," the voice on the other end of the line replied. "I'm sorry if there's been a misunderstanding but..."

"But it says right here on your website that you welcome submissions from anyone."

"No it doesn't!"

"Yes it does!" I shouted even louder than before. "Right there on the bottom of the page at www.publishyoutoo.com, right where everyone can see it."

"Sir," the voice at the other end replied, "this is Random House and that is not our website. Good day!"

Wow, I thought as I heard her slam the phone, my first unintended casualty in Operation Enduring Digitarti is me.

As you can guess, that hurt. A lot.

Please continue reading Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 512

Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 508

Operation Enduring Digitarti--Home

Entry 508- 510

Redacted

Continue reading  Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 511

Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 507

Operation Enduring Digitarti--Home

With but a ghost of a chance and a few worn out clichés he set out to battle the literary monster one last time. Win or die became his creed. Armed with spell check, a worn keyboard with fading letters, tired old eyes and too little memory he turned up the RAM on his aging digital war machine. Today would be his D-day, the day of the digital invasion, Be it alone or with others he had made up his mind. Operation Enduring Digitarti would be only moments away.

But first he required breakfast and a shower.

Continue reading  Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 508

Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 001

Operation Enduring Digitarti--Home

Entry 001- Entry 506... 

Redacted 

Please continue to Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Entry 507

Operation Enduring Digitarti-- Preface

Billy Jones tells the story of how one starving poet almost became the sole leader of the literary world with the worst plot you'll never read.


Operation Enduring Digitarti is the story of how one, no talent poet and grammatically-challenged aspiring novelist, attempted and almost became, the most famous writer in the history of the world despite overwhelming odds and constant heartaches by using weapons like run-on sentences, bad syntax, excessive, worn out clichés, stolen puns, poor punucation skills (not counting the horrid spelling) and hyperlinks to put together an army of poets, writers and readers who would unwittingly push him to the top of the Blogosphere and into the waiting arms of the main stream publishing industry.

In what will become no doubt, the worst plot you never read, Operation Enduring Digitarti unfolds here for the first time with as much information as the government will allow to be made public before the ensuing trial.

At the bottom of each page is a link to the next log entry that will take you to the next part of the story.

And to think, it almost worked...

Please continue to Log Entry 001

When Burgers Attack

Undisclosed Location-- In a police state even reporters reporting on the Fast Food Wars, place their lives at risk when dealing with the actions of out of control police. Wackemall News Network journalist Burger N Fries barely escaped his latest assignment.

Mistaken Identifry

Angry Whopper stood outside the door
where Soft Taco lay bleeding.
Salsa covered the floor...
Gordida stood crying, "He's dying, you see?"
Angry Whopper just laughed,
"Dude, don't look at me."

And the fries, they came running,
"Let's drag someone in
and teach him a lesson
to pay for this sin."
So they grabbed Gordida,
"Haul this one away.
May he never know freedom
or see light of day."


And so the fast food wars continue just as they have done for over 70 years-- no winners, only losers and a red headed clown at the top. That's right, I failed to pack my own lunch yesterday. Maybe someday I'll pen stories about peanut butter sandwiches. Maybe I already have?

Sep 4, 2017

Alarmed

Back in the days when automotive alarms were pretty much a new idea, a trucking company I worked for took possession of 200 brand new Volvo road tractors equipped with motion detecting alarm systems. Almost immediately we drivers began experiencing problems with the alarm systems.

Seems almost anything would set the alarm off.

If the wind blew the alarm sounded. If a driver sleeping in the bunk rolled over in his sleep the alarm sounded, When we woke up and tried to move from the bunk to the cab the alarm sounded.

And of course there was no way of adjusting the sensitivity on those early alarm systems.

As drivers we were not allowed to work on our trucks so we began to ask the shop to disable or remove the alarms, but the shop foreman considered the cost of paying mechanics to disable 200 alarm systems that functioned exactly as intended to be too much money to spend. Besides, more new trucks were on the way and they would have alarms as well. Almost a thousand old trucks were being switched out for new rigs.

As more and more drivers were refused their requests to disable the alarms tension between the drivers and mechanics began to mount.

One long holiday weekend when most of the drivers and mechanics were enjoying time off, roughly 100 of those new trucks were parked behind the shop at the Baltimore terminal when a train passed by setting off every one of the alarms in the middle of the night. Soon thereafter the Baltimore Police Department responded and upon learning that it was only the train that had set off all those many alarms and panicked an entire neighborhood, demanded that all the alarms be shut off.

Problem was: there was only a skeleton crew on duty that night and the drivers had all carried their keys home with them.

We drivers came in on Tuesday morning only to find that the batteries had been disconnected on all our trucks and that any driver whose truck had not already had the alarm disconnected should schedule an appointment with the shop to have the alarm removed.

Sep 3, 2017

Adam And Eve Redux

At one of my other websites I often follow tips and investigate politicians at the local level for corruption and fraud.

As often occurs, someone will come to me like the proverbial snake of the Old Testament whispering stories to me about some local politician he or she bears a grudge against. The snake will offer me a taste of its Apple of Knowledge but never allow me enough to know what is really going on, expecting me to publish but the taste.

But upon investigation I learn that while the apple was sweet around the outside, closer to its center the fruit had become bitter and the fruit, and thus the story, was nothing like what the snake had whispered in my ear.

And then the snake angrily goes into hiding when I publish the whole story.



Why Do We Fight Wars?

There are two reasons we go to war. The first is greed. Someone from one nation wants what someone in another nation has and uses the power of a nation to take it.

The second reason is religion. Most recently:

Evangelical Christians fanatics, like some Jews, like some Islamic sects, have long awaited a messiah-- a warrior king who will destroy their enemies. This was the prophecy of the Old Testament which is accepted by all three faiths as true. Like those Jews and Muslims, Evangelicals cannot accept the idea that Christ Jesus came in peace. So they await his triumphant return when he destroys their enemies. The three will never coexist without war.
 

You can sometimes reason with greed by pointing out the cost, but faith knows no reason and no bounds.

Sep 2, 2017

Rewriting History

History is written by the victors. But in the immediate aftermath of a war it is too often impossible to discern who the true victors are. And so it is, years later when scholars attempt to write the true history they are accused of rewriting history by the winners who claimed to have lost.

After all, one cannot claim martyrdom after having been victorious.

Sep 1, 2017

Deterring Bad Parkers

Old Torrance Ca-- Life in small towns is changing, sometimes too fast, and people still blame the lowly, American made parking meters when in-fact parking meters have come to help.


Good Ol' American Made Parking Meters

"It's all about profitability,"
the meter, he told me.
"It's not that we don't like you.
You need us, can't you see.
With us, you have deterrents
to keep folks in their places
so everyone can shop in peace,
maintain the social graces.

Buy hey, at least we're 100% made in the USA!"


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