Showing posts from August, 2017

History Of Wackemall, Part 70: Sir Bernard Williams

Sir Bernard Arthur Owen Williams (1929-2003) was an English moral philosopher, Knightbridge Professor of Philosophy at the University of Cambridge and Deutsch Professor of Philosophy at the University of California, Berkeley, Williams was well known for his efforts to reorient the study of moral philosophy to psychology, history, and to the Greeks.

Colin McGinn described him as an "analytical philosopher with the soul of a general humanist." It was said he was skeptical about attempts to create a foundation for moral philosophy. Some said that he demanded of philosophy that it "come to terms with, and contain, the difficulty and complexity of human life."

But perhaps one of his least known statements expressed his love for all things Wackemall:

"We may pass violets looking for roses. We may pass wackemall looking for victory."
The History of Wackemall rewrites history in ways you've never seen history before, putting into perspective people and events …

Attack Of The Breakfast Sandwiches

From an embedded, undisclosed location, our newest rare reporter, Burger N Fries brings us the latest Wackemall Network News exclusive updates from the Fast Food Wars:

Double Beef Double Cross

McGriddle lead them in the back,
a kids pack in his hand.
Cream and Sugar screamed aloud,
their presence he'd not planned.
McMuffin came in laughing loud
as he leveled deadly blows.
Cream and Sugar screamed no more
and the gravy stained in flows.

Biscuits kept a lookout
as the arches, they went black.
Who'd a thought an inside job?
We thought they had a pact?
Big Mac and the Whopper,
their plans had come undone
and Ronald, he was laying low,
not having any fun.

You know, because there really is nothing better to do....

Wackemall News Network is made possible by grease. And cholesterol, lots of cholesterol guaranteed to kill us all long before the Fast Food Wars ever end.

What, you thought this story was going to have a happy ending?

It's About That Time

The time has come, I need a break, no more regrets, no more mistakes. So saddle up, boys, it's time to go to mountains high and valleys low.
So twist those throttles, let's hear 'em roar! Tell the world we want no more. Give me freedom or give me death, just give me wind my every breath.
So saddle up, boys, let's make our way to places that we dream today. Tie your gear on back your steed for that is all you really need.
Give me freedom, just thin white lines, vistas wide, no troubled minds. We've waited months, it's time to go on back your steed your mind aglow.
The time has come, I'll meet you there. No more regrets, no more dispair. Vistas wide and monutains high, we'll make our mark upon the sky.

Special Delivery: Part 4, Damsel In Distress

Continued from Special Delivery and Special Delivery: Part 3, The Men Behind The Many Curtians

 Ronny and Frank met at their favorite watering hole, parked their Harleys our front and bellied up to the bar. "Frank," Ronny said,"You ain't gonna believe who left my house right before you called."

"I might," Frank replied, "Run it by me."

"The FBI." Ronny answered.

"Let me guess," Frank said, "They was wantin' to know if you knew what Billy was up to."

"You got it," Ronny agreed.

"They come by my place about 2 weeks ago," Frank recalled, "I reckon they're talkin' to everyone Billy ever knew."

"That'll keep them busy," Ronny laughed.

"At least 50 years," Frank laughed as he finished his beer. "Now you really ain't going to believe who I just talked to."

"Who?" Ronny inquired.

"Too many ears," Frank answered. "Let…

Parking Meters Complain: Adding Insult To Injury

Ever talked to a parking meter? Billy does it all the time and records their replies as the world's first and only parking meter poet reporting for the Wackemall News Network. Today Billy talks to parking meters in Greensboro, North Carolina to get their reaction to all those ugly green bicycles that have been left lying all over town. 

What's That, A Bicycle?

Please don't leave it there.
Chained to me I cannot see
and just don't think it fair.
It's bad enough you need not pay,
you add insult to injury.
There you go walking off
your two wheels chained to me.

But it's not my job!

And to think, you thought he made this stuff up.

Why Did Old Cars And Trucks Have Carburetors?

When I was 16 I bought a 1955 Ford F-100 Pick-up with a 292 V8 engine. When it came time to rebuild the carb I was at a complete loss as to how to do so. I found books and studied.

While I was studying I became curious as to the need for a carburetor. And being the carb was already off my truck I simply stuck the loose end of the fuel line down the intake and cranked that bitch up! RAN LIKE A RAPED APE!!!!!

Problem was: it only knew one speed.... you guessed it-- flat out wide open.

So by dragging the brakes, slipping the clutch, and turning the ignition switch on and off repeatedly I destroyed a set of bias ply tires sending them up in smoke, got her back to the house, and resumed my studies.

That was when I learned not only the need for carburetors but how to rebuild them.

No, you don't need carburetors or fuel injection to make a car go, but you are going to need something to make it go slow.

Armageddon Strikes

Hello, this is Burger N. Fries reporting to you live for the Wackemall News Network from an undisclosed location with the latest updates from the Fast Food War. Stay tuned for fat!

The Calm Before The Storm

Big Mac laid upon the road,
a truck had mashed him flat.
The Burger King called for the hit,
said, "I've had enough of that."
Taco John stood just outside
the white castle of the king,
said, "Wow, these guys, they play real rough,
I hope nobody sings."

Carl Jr., he was waiting there
as Big Mac hit the road.
Could have stopped it but he didn't try,
at least that's what I'm told.
And Ronald, yes he's running fast
while the fries, they weigh him down,
and the Dairy Queen is waiting,
hoping Ronald comes to town.

Barnacle Bill and the Eagle Boys
came to do the dirty work.
Black Dog, he came from Brazil
to hit 'em where it hurts.
Dixie Lee, she said to me,
"It's going to be real bad
'cause Brek is on the Chef Express
and they say he…

An Ally To An Unjust Cause Is An Invader Just The Same.

Need I explain?

And people ask, "What did we ever do to them?"

Dodge Dart

Dodge Darts were practical cars. I bought a used Dart for my 2nd now ex wife. Six cylinder, 3 speed on the floor, clean car, needed very little work-- just tires and the clutch arm that ran from the engine to the frame. Took all the money I had to buy it so I promised I'd fix everything with the next 2 pay checks.

She had been wanting to visit her family in Florida so I promised I get her a reliable car to make the trip.

Friday came and I went home with money in my hands. She and the car were gone. I figured she was just over at a friend's house. Ten o'clock that night my phone rings. She's in Rockingham, North Carolina about 90 miles south of Greensboro with her second flat tire and no more spares.

I call my Daddy who is a close personal friend of the owner of what was at that time the largest used auto parts company in the Southeastern USA. By eleven my brother and I are headed to Rockingham with a good used tire mounted on a wheel.

My brother and I work out a…

Special Delivery: Part 3, The Men Behind The Many Curtians

Continued from Special Delivery and Special Delivery: Part 2, A Girl's Gotta Do...

General Lori J. Robinson,  Commander  in charge of NORAD, sat at the head of a long table of United States Military Officers from every branch of service answering their questions. "The missile that was fired on Washington, DC was not fired by anyone inside the United States Military,"General Robinson insisted.

"So who fired it?" another General asked.

"Yes, who fired it?" an Admiral asked.

"We've told you everything we know," General Robinson  answered.

"So the entire United States Government including the Pentagon and the Joint Chiefs of Staff are all wiped out and no one knows anything?" Major General Erik Kurilla of the US Army 82nd Airborne asked.

"It would appear so," General Robinson answered.

"And who are these people who are running this so called government in Chicago?" another general asked. "Who put them in ch…

Why Wasn't It A Problem Before?

A lot of people have been asking this of late. Allow me to put it into terms that even us men can understand.

So your wife's Chevy is 4 quarts low on oil but that's not a problem because she doesn't check the oil and you are unaware of the fact that she doesn't check the oil. But very soon it will be a problem-- an expensive problem.

Your lack of awareness does not mean that problems don't exist. Your lack of awareness just means you won't be prepared for the pain and expense these problems will bring when they manifest themselves into your lives. Learn, discover, check the dipstick for yourself once in a while, Dipstick.

Where There's Smoke There's Burgers

Epic Proportions

Burgers and fries, burgers and fries,
time to choose weapons, burgers and fries.
Ronald and Wendy, BK, 'Jangles too,
they're ready for battle, the prize me and you.

All the King's horses could not fill the meat
so they danced on the tables right out in the street
for the new revolution, the call to wage more
of epic proportions, it's super-sized war!

And so begins my tale, the story that would last a cholesterol laden lifetime, the battles, the mystery, romance, intrigue and yes, the fat that would someday be called Fast Food Delights, the story of the Fast Food War a story that begins in the middle, goes both ways, then circles back around the the beginning. Or is that the ending? I'm never sure. Go ahead, take a bite, taste it for yourself.

Special Delivery: Part 2, A Girl's Gotta Do...

Continued from Special Delivery

Carley had been on the run since the death of Billy Jones, doing anything she could do just to stay alive. Life had become very different than Carley was used to. Having grown up on what had once been a Virginia plantation, schooled at Berkley, and worked in Silicon Valley she had thought herself ready for anything life would throw at her but how was she to know she would be branded a terrorist for a nuke attack on Washington, DC. that she knew nothing about.

I guess that's what I get for trying to save the world, Carley thought to herself as she slipped a can of mixed vegetables into her purse inside a busy convenience store and walked out without paying. Like a lot of people since the worldwide economic implosion that followed the explosion in Washington, Carley's main source of income was bartering what she could shoplift.

She had taken Billy back to the desert north of Barstow but by the time they got there everyone was gone and everything ha…

Cult Assembles Downtown

Raleigh, NC-- Journalists for Wackemall Network News are in the State Capitol today as thousands of cult members gather to protest the unjust working conditions forced on meters here in North Carolina where Minister Onda Pole had the following to say,

Offerings For The Parking Gods

I just stand here waiting
on top of this pole--
don't have any pride,
don't have any soul
but I'll get your money
just you wait and see--
the price you must pay
for parking by me.

Your offerings to the parking gods are tax deductible.

Two Eagles Talking

"You're wrong."

"No, you're wrong."

"That's not what I said."

"Yes it was."

"No it wasn't."

"I know what I said."

"I know what you said too."

"Oh yea, what did I say, then?"

"You said what I said you said."

"No I didn't, I said what I said you said."

"Hey, that was pretty good."

"I know, if we keep practicing we'll soon be ready to run for office."

This edition of Two Eagles Talking, an exclusive of, was made possible by feathers. And bird poop. Lots of bird poop.

Photo credit: Tim Van Horn.

Gently Used Eclipse Viewer

It's not every day you find ads for eclipse viewers on Craigslist so as soon as I saw this one I saved it and stashed it away in the Lost and Found along with all the other stuff no people left littering the Internet.

But $100 seems a little steep even for a box of cereal that's only available to astronauts.

Burger Boogie Time!

Fast Food Beats

Wendy rang the Taco Bell,
Burger King, he played guitar,
Ronald clowned on center stage,
sang, “I’m gonna be a star.

Chick Filet, she danced so fine
showing off her perfect thighs,
teasing Big Mac, “If you dance with me
I’ll give you my surprise.”

But the Fries, they’re still dancing,
fries dancing in the street,
dancing to that funky sound,
boogie to the fast food beat.

Big Mac said, “Babe, I can’t dance
for I fear I’ll fall apart,”
So Chick, she danced with Wendy
and broke poor Big Mac’s heart.

And the party lasted hours,
all day and through the night
while the Combo Classics played their tunes
and dodged the French Fries’ fights.

But the Fries, they’re still dancing,
fries dancing in the street,
dancing to that funky sound,
boogie to the fast food beat.

Then finally come morning light
when the party had died down
fast food scattered everywhere,
strewn all about the ground.

But the Fries, they’re still dancing,
fries dancing in the street,
dancing to that funky sound…

Where Your Rights End

You have the right to have an opinion. What you don't have is the right to force your opinion on others. And the fact that you continue to do so proves you have no compassion for your fellow man.

Get over yourself, you're not that important.

Special Delivery

It was hot. The kind of hot that no matter how long you ran the cold water from the faucet it still ran warm enough to bathe. I'd be taking my pills with warm water just as I'd done most every morning since I began my trip almost 3 weeks before.

I hadn't slept well. Besides being hot, the air conditioner in my motel room just outside of Washington, DC was noisy. This room would have rented for $59 in most places but here in Arlington it was $259 and I was lucky to find it. Camping in Washington suburbs is a good way to get found so I thought it better I spring for the room. I hadn't rode a borrowed Triumph Speed Triple all the way from the deserts north of Barstow, California to the suburbs of Washington, DC. to get caught now.

Why a bike? Because they would be looking for a truck. No one was ready to believe my friends had figured out how to build 4 missiles small enough to carry across the country on a motorcycle. Why four? One each for the White House, Senate, House…

Downtown Or Uptown, She's Always There... Waiting

Montgomery, Al-- Today journalist from Wackemall Network News offer an exclusive from a Montgomery, Alabama parking meter explaining the relationship between parking meters and meter maids.

Rita And Me

Lovely Rita, meter maid
and me, we have a deal:
She don't take your money
and I don't lock your wheel.

This morning's PMN (parking meter news) update is made possible by the one and only surefire way to never worry about parking tickets again-- sell your car and walk.


Opportunities are often ugly. One who cannot see opportunities when opportunities arise is not capable of leading. One who does not seize even ugly opportunities when seen, isn't trying.

Why Wait For The Eclipse?

Why do we wait for eclipses? Eclipses are the norm rather that the exception. Eclipses are happening all the time, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, always forever, for as long as the sun, planets and moons continue to exist. It's not that eclipses are rare, we are rarely in the right place to see them.

Every second that a planet or a moon continues to remain in orbit an Eclipse is cast on its dark side. And yet we are unable to see it just as we are unable to see the darkness that exists in ourselves. Not seeing the eclipse is a matter of not being in the right place at the right time, but not seeing the darkness in ourselves is a choice. Why do we choose only to see the darkness when it becomes convenient, an event, a spectacle, and not as it exists-- a part of our everyday lives?

Are You Afraid Of Clowns?

Not everyone loves a clown. Many enlightened children are able to see through the nonsense and peer into the dark souls of the clowns they meet and it's with good cause these children become scared and start to cry. In the Fast Food Wars it was no different except the clowns were even more villainous than they are today.

Clowns Plotting Overthrows

BK and his courtesans laid piled upon his bed
while Ronald, court jester, stands upon his head.
But Ronald, the villain, the red headed clown
lives but for the day he steals BK's crown.

Tribute On Two Wheels

Breaking Through
Sunday morning, the engines roar,
top off the gas, check the oil,
lube the chain, it's time to ride,
break on through to the other side,
break on through to the other side,
break on through to the other side...
See you on the road, Jim.

Barber Gets Time Off To Attend City Council Meeting

Greensboro, NC-- Greensboro City Councilman
Mike Barber, shown wearing his County issued orange jump suit, was recently given time off to attend a Greensboro City Council meeting where the at large councilman argued in favor of placing known child molesters in residential neighborhoods.

At-large Councilman Mike Barber, who also is running for reelection, said Friday that the Interactive Resource Center, an agency that houses at least 6 registered offenders "needs to be relocated away from the children's museum and the library" because of the presence of sex offenders.

The ideal new spot, he said, would be on Maple Street, near the Guilford County Social Services building and one of the Greensboro Police Department's substations."

Neither Councilman Barber nor Greensboro City Attorney Thomas Carruthers replied to questions as to what charges Councilman Barber is facing or how long he will remain an inmate in the Guilford County Jail.

What Are You Ladies Scared Of?

Remember: No women were harmed in the filming of Deliverance.

Feathers And All

Today's Parking Meter Poem is made possible with support from worn out tires and bad brakes. (It's complicated, don't ask...)

You Can't Park There

This is insulting,
shoo 'way you old bird!
Don't crap on my head.
I don't like your turds.
You don't have no pockets
so you can't leave no change.
Stop parking up there!
I'm getting deranged!

Inspired by the picture, King Of The Parking Meter by Catnapping.

The End Of The Fast Food War?

And now, time for the news! Brought to you by smelly feet and the Piedmont Center for Sustainability where we grow, share and live.

Early reports are that the Fast Food Wars are finally over with Ronald McDonald, the last superpower, soaking up the grease. And while we wait for confirmation we bring you ruminations of a time during the lead up to the war. Stay tuned to Fast Food Wars for continued coverage of the Fast Food Wars whatever the outcome may be.

Fortune Awaits
Or Ruminations Eating Fast Food

“Fortune Awaits. Peel Now.”
But peeling reveals only Baltic Avenue
and the B&O Railroad--
a street I can’t drive
and another train whose whistle I can’t blow.
What about the free food,
fries, burgers, shakes,
and the promise of a fortune?

I know, fortune awaits...
And I'm still looking for Boardwalk.

This is how they lure us in, disguising their disgusting intentions using our cash to finance their wars on our very lives, with banned weapons that kill us from the inside out. And …

Because Sometimes The Sun Just Has To Shine

For Julia
"If it makes you happy, it's not a waste of time." Somebody said it, it's not a line of mine. But I'm so inspired I thought I'd write it down, and start this morning with a smile and not a frown. So make yourself so happy you'll smile forever more, and know that's why you came here, and why you we adore.

Capitalism Isn't The Problem

Greed is the root of all evil today. Even if you ever manage to eliminate Capitalism, greed will still remain and the problems will still be the same. Greed permeates all systems of commerce and government.

Problems are solved when we attack the problems instead of the symptoms.

History Of Wackemall, Part 69: Abraham Lincoln

An accomplished orator, Abraham Lincoln, the popular American President who fought to save the Union, free the slaves, and died at the hands of John Wilkes Booth  on Good Friday, April 14, 1865 during an intermission of the play, Our American Cousin at Ford's Theatre in Washington, DC, was known for saying many great things.

While not widely known, some accounts of that night lay claim that Lincoln's last words before being shot in the back of the head was when he turned and said to his wife, Mary Todd Lincoln and said,

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him Wackemall."
It was assumed Lincoln was suggesting he and Mrs Lincoln slip out of the theater early and retire to the Lincoln Bedroom. If only he had made his amorous suggestions sooner.

The History of Wackemall explores history in ways you've never seen history before, putting into perspective people and events in ways few ever knew existed. This edition of…

Because Once You Wackemall You'll Always Want To Go Back

Vertical Twin
A country road,
alas clear air
as all that was
is left somewhere.
A twist of the throttle,
the pipes, they roar
and all my troubles,
they are no more.

Two Eagles Talking

"Have you ever wonder what it's like to drive one of those really fast cars they drive?"

"What's a car?"

"You know, those machines humans use to kill deer and other animals with."

"And leave them lying there dead-- why would I want to kill something I don't plan on eating?"

"Good point. Driving a car does seem pointless now that you mention it."

"Are you kidding, everything humans do seems pointless from up here on this branch."

"Think we should get closer, change our perspective?"

"And risk getting killed by a human with a car?"

"Yea, I think I'd rather try riding a motorcycle anyway."

"Now you're talking."

Get the Eagles perspective of Two Eagles Talking right here at I mean, haven't you ever wondered why eagles don't drive cars? Now you know.

Photo credit Harry Pherson Photography

And if you'd like to save 5 cents per gallon on gasoline while …

How To Look Smarter Than You Really Are

One of the things that has annoyed me to no end for my entire adult life is to ask someone a question only to be given an answer to an altogether different question. Politicians regularly do this when they'd rather not answer the question that was asked of them.

Other people do it too. Sometimes because they're hiding something.

But quite often people-- especially women and young people-- will reply to questions with answers to questions other than the question that was asked.

Some are trying to steer the conversation in a direction he or she finds more desirable. Others are simply afraid of being thought of as less than intelligent because they don't know the answer.

When I ask you a question and you don't know the answer: prove to me you're intelligent enough not to waste our time with bullshit answers to different questions that weren't asked. Trust me, you'll appear much smarter and more credible for having done so.

This Is Being A Father?

Like a lot of you I often get... how shall I put it... ah, unusual friend requests from people I don't know on Facebook. But this request from someone identifying himself? herself? as Nana Felsa has to be among the strangest I've ever seen and certainly worth pitching into the Lost and Found before I delete his? her? Daddy's? request.

"Being a father has been, without a doubt, my greatest source of achievement, pride and inspiration. Fatherhood has taught me about unconditional love, reinforced the importance of giving back and taught me how to be a better person. Join me here"

Obviously a trick to get around Facebook's automated censors, I could never make up stuff this good. And believe me, I've tried.

Mmm Mmm Good

Soup Can

As sure as I'm a man, I cannot understand why I never penned a verse about a soup can.
Its virtues all know well. Its story none will tell. Its history as secret as a G-man.
From in the Yucatan to far beyond Spokane all can understand they only need to scan
as the label holds the plan, a recipe in hand for a meal so hot you'll fan until if finally cools enough to eat.
And now I know why I never penned a poem about a soup can.

Rehersals Begin At 9:00

Parking meters are highly trained professionals who stay on their posts 24/7/365 and deserve your respect. They've come to me expressing concerns about the way so many of you abuse their passive nature and have asked I pass along the following message. Please take heed as they are no longer the small minority they once were and will soon become a major political force known as the Silent Majority. Ka-ching!

No Rehearsals Allowed

This bit of verse
I shan't rehearse
except to speak to say,
"Put your money in the slot
or just be on your way."

Parking Meter Poetry is made possible with support from reindeer. No, really.

Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 25

Today I discovered that beetles taste like apples,
wasps like pine nuts, and worms  like fried bacon.
Don't ask me how I learned that.

Owls are the only birds who can see the colour blue.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain
and women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Try not to think about penguins.

In 1936, a movie ticket cost 25 cents, the biggest stars were Shirley Temple
and Clark Gable, and the Hollywood studio system was near its peak.
But Star Wars had yet to be released?

I found the 11 best online collaboration tools,
26 killer travel gadgets every geek needs,
and tried not to think about penguins.

There were 4 ideas for styling a small living room.
hot springs, portraits of iconic people,
and penguins, lots of penguins.

The Case Of The Mystery Meat Pizza Toppings

Stay tuned for continuing coverage of the latest news from the front in the Fast Food War. Gentlemen, choose your crust.

Shanghai Pizzeria

Papa John came walking in
and with him came the works.
Meats. Italians, Hawaiians, Alfredo--
he brought-in all the jerks.

They walked in to the Chicken Club,
Garden Fresh was dancing there
with Baby Portabella.
Papa John could only stare.

A cheese stick waited in the car.
Papa's sweetreats waited too,
while China Swirl, she worked the bar
dipping sauce in Papa's brew.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming made possible with support from Santa's Reindeer and dreams of cooler days.

XS 650 Spin-on Oil Filter Instructions

I'm installing one of these on my XS650, Nothin Special. Previously I had concerns about the filter sticking out the side of the engine but now that I've added crash bars it's not a worry.

Above photo and instructions via 650Central.

Note: I've edited their content below and added pictures to make the job less intimidating.

In the Kit:

(1) spin-on adapter
(1) gasket
(2) ¼”x20x¾” socket head cap screws
(1) Loctite 620

You will need:

#7 or 13/64” & 1/4” drill bits
J-B Weld
Acetone or lacquer thinner (J-B Weld prep)

Installation Instructions

1. Drain oil.
2. Remove side case oil filter cover, gasket, oil screen, and oil
screen gasket.
3. Remove footpeg, kick starter lever and tach cable.
4. Remove primary cover taking care to secure the four copper washers on the bottom screws.
5. Carefully clean all gasket surfaces, taking care not to damage the aluminum mating surfaces.
6. Test fit the adapter in the in oil (screen) filter recess. Some hand fitting of the raised edge l…

Let's Ride

Take Us There
On the edge of Fall
while wasting time
we cry out through the glass,
"Take us there, take us now,"
as all goes rushing past.