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Showing posts from July, 2017

Pour Me Another Cup Of Coffee For It Is The Best In The Land?

The Ballad Of Coffee Grounds
(Or Shootout At The Coffee Corral
Or Java 'Till You Drop
Or Brewing In The Wild, Wild West)



Coffee Grounds rode into town
feeling all used up.
He’d been hot, he’d been cold,
but he never was enough.

His steadfast stallion, Maxwell House
was good ‘till his last drop,
but had he known he’d meet his end
he’d not climbed that mountain top.

Little Fannie Folgers
had a room above the saloon,
and for little more than a cowpoke’s pay
she’d help you change your tune.

Coffee Grounds, he met her there,
got freshened, then got topped
‘till the Farmer Brothers, they walked in
yelling, “Get out of our coffee crop!”

Coffee Grounds fell to the floor,
came up his guns a blazin’,
fired two shots into their pots,
folks said it was amazing!

So off he ran, a coffee can,
the Sheriff, trails his drip
while he percolates the great debates,
decaf, cream, or mint?


Like everything else this will someday end, hopefully remaining good ‘til the last drop. By the way, whose idea was…

What Happened To Me?

All my life, everyone around me, friends and family, only told me it couldn't be done. My mistake was allowing those people to remain a part of my life.


Don't you do the same.

Growing Straw

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I wonder which among us is the most senile, me for not remembering to put on my glasses so that I can focus the camera before shooting the photograph, or my mother who is attempting to sprout these little red drinking straws in what was once her lettuce bed.

She has diligently tended them for days now but nothing has happened.

I'm not saying the straws will or will not grow but with almost 75 years of gardening experience, if there is anyone in the world who can sprout straws it has to be my mother.

Panhandlers Robbed Downtown

Greensboro, NC-- This just in. Even the poorest of the poor, those with no place to go, stuck outside 24/7 are reporting they are being robbed, often in broad daylight. And no one is coming to their rescue.


Loitering Meters
Parking meter stands by the side of the road
loitering, loitering young and old
looking for a handout, "Give me some change,
and when the sun comes up tomorrow
I'll do it again...

Wait, what are you doing back there?
Take that key out of me right now!"

Today's parking meter poem has been made possible with support from new shoes and sore feet, the alternatives to panhandling parking meters.

Tiny Attention Spans,

I recently posted two separate questions to Facebook. I'm not going to link to them or tell you who responded I'm simply going to give you the questions and the results.

1. Why is it that politicians running for LOCAL offices are always talking as if they are running for National offices?

The answers:

"Because locals allow them to confuse/confabulate the issues?"

"I have seen literally every political group at every level (even networking group positions) descend into nasty power grabs."

"Stick to the local and state level. Feds will take care of itself."

"Any local pol running on national issues is obviously in over their head."

"Because usually they are connected to them in one way or another."

"Its a diversion. By talking on issues on which they have no influence or control, they divert attention away from the ones they do have control over and have failed to address. The mayor is an expert at it."

2. Why is it that when lo…

It's Not About Which Side Wins

Why do we continue replacing dishonest politicians with more dishonest politicians while expecting honest results?

Path

Chinese proverb say,
"A strong man and a waterfall channel their own path."
But who can say the path chosen
was the best path,
the greatest path,
the most honorable path
or simply the path
of least resistance?

And why carve a path
when you could be riding a motorcycle?

I Didn't Understand A Word She Said

Mandarin Chicken

A Mandarin chicken clucked in Chinese,
said, “For just a Frosty
I’ll do anything you please,”
but Wendy, hot and juicy,
couldn’t understand a word
and served-up fresh chili
to the funny talking bird.


And so it is, another fast food delight, lunch with a poet and his pen is enough to drive even the poet mad. But then, war is always maddening.

Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 24

Today I learned 5 lessons most people learn way too late in life.
And you know what?
They were all bullshit!

I read what might be the most beautiful poem ever written.
Only it wasn't a poem, it was bullshit prose.
Not unlike what you're reading now.

I learned how to draw lips,
and how to draw the head from any angle.
Hiring an artist works best.

I found foodie alerts, 1,600 year old Roman Nanotechnology,
and the top 10 myths about ancient Rome.
And I don't remember any of it.

I read 10 myths about introverts
which I already knew were myths,
but I read them anyway.

You know, because this introvert has no life.

I discovered the Panama Papers.
But just as has been the story of my life,
no one was paying attention and the bad guys got away.

So I left it all in the Lost and Found.

Do I seem jaded to you?


Please read Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 25

You Mean Flocks Of Birds?

Herds Of Birds
Herds of birds graze in my yard. They flock to mock the day, eating seeds, flowers sweet, and worms along their way.
Beware a stray hides behind high grass, pussy cat, his stomach growls, for he would make a meal of birds before they heard his howls.

But down the street a big dog runs in time to chase the cat, barking, warning all the birds who sail off in a scat! With barely time to catch his breath the cat runs, he runs, scared to death. And as the cat runs off so hard herds of birds graze in my yard.

Five Alarm Fire!

Fire At The Steak And Shake

The Steak And Shake was quaking,
pretty girls in slight attire,
while across the street, Panera,
he was dreaming of a fire;
thinking of a target
there could be no other way.
Steak And Shake would burn
but it wouldn't burn today...

to be continued...

Kidnapping 101: Or How Not To Become A Kidnapper

I kidnapped a young woman from Greensboro County Park in 1974. Just picked her up on my shoulder, walked to the truck and drove away with her.

Did I know her? No, I'd never seen her before.

Yes, illicit drugs were involved. I was tripping on Blotter Acid (LSD) at the time and really wanted some company-- mostly someone to talk to. Was she on drugs? I donno.

When I realized what I had done I was terrified and decided to take her home.

She must have liked it as she never spoke up when the cops stopped me-- even when they pulled her off to herself. She gave me her telephone number and we dated until I took a job out of town.

I don't recommend you try this at home or anywhere else. No one else is as lucky as I have been when it comes to staying out of jail.

What's that? Her name? Oh no, she still lives here in Greensboro, North Carolina on the northwest side of town. She has grandchildren now. I'll never tell.

Each To Their Own Genre Of Motorcycles

If you think about it you'll come to realize the chopper is America's version of the British café racer. While looking totally different and handling completely differently, it serves the same purpose-- traveling from one café or club to the next while hanging out with people of like minds.

I like to think that the Brits might have developed choppers and we Americans, café racers had they had Harleys and Indians and we had Triumphs, BSAs, Nortons, and Royal Enfields. I mean, you work with what you've got.

And who can fault that?

Japanese Tweety Bird

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I tawt I saw a
puddy cat... with a chain saw.
It was really board.



Photo, cross stitch pattern via ebay

Loud Pipes Save Lives?

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You do realize that if it is ever proven that loud pipes save lives the National Highway Traffic Safety Foundation, Federal Department of Transportation and other government agencies will all mandate we turn all our pipes facing forward, right?



Drowning In Special Sauce

Fast Food Mafia
Or French Bread Wi-Fi Hackers?

"You're invited," Panini said,
"Sit down, enjoy your stay."
Ronald looked around the empty room,
"Business slow today?"

"Slow, oh no," Panini smiled,
"It's time we took a break."
Ronald sat there thinking
he'd made his first mistake.

"So Ronald, I've got Sourdough.
He's tied up in the back.
Pay me cash, pay me fast,
I'll leave him by the tracks.

But Ronald, don't you cross me,
I'm packing lots of crust.
Just pay the money, pay it now
and let's not cause a fuss."

Then Panini kissed Ronald on his forehead.

This edition of Fast Food Delights was not made possible with the support of Time Magazine or the Godfather.

Go Ahead, Smoke All You Want

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Definition Of White Privilege

I'll never forget being stopped for speeding by a North Carolina State Trooper with a Kilo of pot wrapped in nothing more than a newspaper from Mexico City, strapped to the sissy bar of my motorcycle.
He checked my driver's license and registration, told me to slow down, and drove away.
That's white privilege.

Time To Ride

Night Flight
Late at night he takes to flight,
his destination-- gone
to places near and places far--
wherever his heart roams.
He turns the throttle,
frees the clutch
and hears the engine roar,
flying 'way on two sure wheels
to look for nothing more.

Two Eagles Talking

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"I hear they're mad at the president."

"They're always mad at the president."

"Really, why?"

"Who knows, it's been that way as long as we've been the national bird."

"Why do you think they picked us to be the national bird?"

"Because the bird they really wanted made them all look like a bunch of turkeys."

"So they lied."

"Yep."


Get the worst of Two Eagles Talking right here at Wackemall.com. I mean, it sure beats being called a turkey.

Photo credit Harry Pherson Photography

Digging A Hole To China

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Remember when you were a child and you heard somewhere it was possible to dig a hole through the Earth all the way to China?

If you were like a lot of children you probably took your tiny plastic shovel or one of your mother's biggest spoons and headed to her flower bed to give it a try.
Problem was, plastic shovels nor spoons move dirt quickly enough so you then sought out the shovel you'd sometimes seen your parents use, in the hope of getting to China before being called inside.

But alas, even that wasn't getting you to China as quickly as you'd thought it should so you decided China might be closer if you dug somewhere else. And somewhere else, and somewhere else, somewhere after that, and somewhere else.... Well, you know, until you had dug holes all over the yard or had been stopped by some adult.

No, you would have never gotten to China, but the thing is, you probably would have dug deepest if only you had stuck with the spoon in the first spot you began digging …

Parking Meters Use Technology To Fight Back

London, United Kingdom-- Journalist for Wackemall Network News were in London today where angry parking meters, armed with new technology, announced they have procured a robot in their fight for equal rights.


Parking Meters Launch Cyberattack

They take our jobs,
we've not a say,
our children suffer more.
Since Oklahoma '36
for our existence we'd implore.
But now the time has finally come,
now we're fighting back
We're logging on toDoNotPay,
a full-on cyberattack!


Who knew when cities began to install high tech parking meters, that those same meters would eventually side with the older meters they were designed to replace in their fight to be freed from the pole?

Parking Meter News is made possible by struggling parking meters everywhere and by Wackemall Media, Mining, Manufacturing, Farming & Transportation... Wackemall.com.

And by readers like you who encourage the effort by reading and sharing. Thank you all.

Danged Telemarketers

There I was, leaned back in my recliner taking my nap, sleeping the best I've slept in months, the whole house to myself, when I was rudely awakened by the ringing of the telephone. Startled and still not fully awake I answered my iced tea.

I guess it's a good thing my recliner is brown.

Fast Food Wars Come To North Carolina

Greensboro, NC-- Police are reporting Skipper's Hot Dogs (formerly Skip's) located on East Market Street in Greensboro, was the scene of an affray between gangs in an on going bun war with no end in sight. Reporters from Wackemall Network News interviewed witnesses on the scene:


Skipper's Hot Dogs

The King went down to Skipper's Hot Dogs.
Ronald drove the car.
Tired, they pulled in the old drive thru
as they'd traveled very far.
But when the dogs began to bark
Ronald stepped down on the gas
to speed the King far from it all
for fear it'd be their last.


Wow, who knew you only needed the recorded sounds of barking dogs blasting from speakers in the drive thru to scare away would be attackers? Our man , Skip, must surely be a hero having fought off both the King and the red headed clown.

Coverage of the Fast Food Wars are made possible by... Well, they sure as hell aren't paid for by Skip Alston and Alston Reality on East Market Street in Greensboro, that's f…

Now That Trucks Can Drive Themselves

Ballad of the Autonomous Truck
I love my truck. It learned to drive so now I'm stuck and need a ride.
I feel so lonely. I feel so blue. My truck left me an' took you too...

The Shootout-- What Really Happened

I didn't miss him because he was ducking for cover, I missed him because I was ducking for cover!

And you would have been ducking for cover too.

History Of Wackemall: Part 68: St. Bernard of Clairvaux

It was around the year 1150 that St. Bernard of Clairvaux is thought to have first written,

"The road to hell is paved with wackemall."
Having recently lost the Crusades, the church was desperate to maintain control of the masses. When  St. Bernard, a French abbot and the primary reformer of the Cistercian order, who had been commissioned by the Pope to preach the Second Crusade after having spent most of his life living with big, smelly, drunken dogs high in the Alps, first experienced Wackemall, he believed nothing so good could be allowed by the Church.

Least of all, not to the masses.

Sometime after St. Bernard's death in 1153 the church amended his writings to read,


"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

thinking the less Wackemall was mentioned the less likely it would become popular in Europe.

Worked for a few hundred years.

Will we ever know all of the once lost History of Wackemall?Will anyone care? And will the world be made better for this …

Why Newton Wasn't An Economist

Newton was correct in his 3rd Law of Physics, for every action there is a reaction. But economics is not physics and in economics the reactions aren't always equal.

You Park On The Drive But Not In The Park?

Double Parked

Park In two spaces,
I really don't care.
Feed me and my brother
and we'll think it fair.

But don't try to cheat me
'cause I won't forget
and next time your money
will be but a bet.

Parking Meter Poetry is made possible by bad parkers everywhere. And by the Fast Food Delights.

The Circle Of Micromanagement

Society has been micromanaged for so long that even leaders who despise to micromanage must do so because the people they manage know no other way but to be micromanaged, and they, as leaders, don't know how to change the system.

"May the circle be unbroken..."

The Road To Hell

I first penned the following in an e-mail to Greensboro City Councilwoman Sharon Hightower. She still thinks I'm literally talking about horses.

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And most arrive there on high horses. Get off your high horse and look at who you've been trampling on."

There's a lot of interesting information in my thoughts. Too bad so few people ever take the time to read them.

Benevolent Dictators

A benevolent dictator is but a dictator just the same.

Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 23

I read of eight ways to spot emotional manipulation,
"that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull..."
but found no cure for rabies.

I found the 5 best frequent flyer programs to join in 2017.
Problem is:
I'm not flying anywhere.

I also found the 5 best websites for finding cheap flights
without a specific destination.
But... Well, you know.

After over 45 years,
I found D. B. Cooper!

And finally...

I learned that saying I was "Gypped" and "Sold down the river" by an
"Underprivileged" "Third world" "Prostitute"
might be more offensive to say than it was to suffer through.

Please continue with Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 24

I Just Decided To Wackemall

"Think Outside The Bun"

The Fiesta Platters rocked the Bell
as Taco sang the lead.
Ronald shouted, "He's illegal!!
He's a different breed!"
Gordida, he was playing bass--
a hot-n-spicy Salsa riff.
And the songs they played, a tribute
to the long since fallen, Biff.

The King, he waited down the street,
always looking towards the border
and with every scream his subjects cried
he shouted, "Out of order!"
And though he hated Taco so,
he'd been forced to let him cross
fearing the day he knew would come
when Taco, he'd be boss.

Tetley waited at the bar
with her very own sweet tea
while burritos catered her every whim
waiting on their bended knees.
The Dairy Queen was heard to scream,
"Why won't they wait on me?"
The Fiesta Platters rocked the Bell
as Taco sang the lead.


This, the 71st dispatch of Fast Food Delights, the story of the Fast Food Wars, has been brought to you by Wackemall.com.  And by Children's poetry. You know, u…

I Shot The Sheriff But I Didn't Shoot Deputy Dog

Greensboro, NC-- A recent crime wave and rash of murders has engulfed the city and journalists from Wackemall Network News are on the scene of the latest battle in the Fast Food War-- a drive thru robbery.

Drive Thru Robbery

The Double-beef Whopper stood smiling at me
as I walked through the door he reached to grab me,
but he'd not cut the mustard, he'd just spill the sauce
as I reached for my kid's pack, cut both his ears off.

He'd not hear them coming, he'd not hear them go
as the tots, they all looted the 'taders and dough.
And while he stood crying, his hands on his ears
Mr. Pib and Doc Pepper drank all his root beer.

And when we were ready, our stash on the truck
I pulled out my kid's pack and shot Whopper up,
but I didn't kill him, I left him alive.
It was Mister Bojangles just learning to drive.

Fast Food Delights, the story behind the Fast Food War, have been made possible without the support of Kathryn Koromilas' This Absurd Life or Amanda, th…

To The Tune Of Home On The Range

Bugs Inside My Range

Oh give me a home where roaches don't roam, where the ants and the spiders don't play. Where seldom is heard, "Mom, look, a rat turd! on top of the silverware tray.
Bugs inside my range. And the 'fridge is almost the same. There's flies there a plenty, but I don't want any. And the vermin all think it's a game.

Greensboro Parking Meters Demand Fair Share

Greensboro, NC-- Parking meters in downtown Greensboro have told reporters for Wackemall Network News they intend to go on strike if the City does not immediately resolve their latest concerns.

"Downtown drivers can ditch their coins. The City of Greensboro now lets drivers pay to park at all meters and three City-owned surface parking lots using the online mobile payment system Parkmobile. " 


 Shove It Up Your App, Nancy

"Downtown drivers can ditch their coins,"
That's what the City says.
But how are we to get our cut
with these new fangled ways?
They're only trying to cut our pay,
but we're not going to take it.
So expect us to be broken down
'cause we know how to fake it.

Greensboro's parking meters are demanding the City remove the Parkmobile app immediately or face rolling shutdowns all over the Downtown area. Union spokesmeter, Coin Ende Slot expressed fears that she and her kind were being pushed out and would no longer be able to feed their…

Lollipop Blues

With Lollipops inside his pipes,
he thought that he should ride
but the bolt fell out, bad luck, no doubt--
it was then he must decide,
should he take the chance, his dame romance,
or fear the cops' deride?
"Fuck the world! I'm going," he said.
He'd not hold back his pride.

'Twas down the street
with wheels for feet
he quickly sped away
but the constable was waiting
determined to hold sway.
The traffic cop, he made his stop
and wrote citations long,
grinning, "Don't forget your Lollipop
before you cruise along."


For those who don't understand the lingo, a lollipop is an old school, homemade baffle/silencer used in the tuning of motorcycles, that can be adjusted with the aid of a couple of wrenches. If you're running open pipes on your bike I highly recommend you learn the recipe for homemade lollipops.

Shootout At The OK Bar & Grill

OK Bar & Grill, Oklahoma, The Fast Food War is subject to happen anywhere. And news often takes strange twists.

Take the OK Bar & Grill in OK Bar & Grill, Oklahoma, where they lost their liquor license in 1942 for serving liquor to horses before they barbecued the horses. The only bar in OK Bar & Grill is the name of the joint and yet, when the Micky Ds moved in just down the street their second and only remaining source of income soon melts away like the hot souse meat on their grill.

There's food, there's fast food and then there's real fast food. Real fast food has to be caught, killed, blooded, skinned, butchered, sometimes aged and cooked before you eat it just like is done at the OK Bar & Grill in  OK Bar & Grill, Oklahoma where no one remembers if the town was named after the bar or if the bar was named after the town. There's nothing fast about it. The stuff the clown serves you... Well, in the days of old, even the king and his clown... …

History Of Wackemall: Part 67, Theodore Roosevelt

If there was ever any doubt about the influence of Wackemall on America's greatest leaders those doubts are forever erased with the discovery of the following battle cry as was shouted by Rough Rider Theodore Roosevelt as he lead his famous charge up Kettle Hill on July 1, 1898, while supporting the regulars in Cuba during the Spanish-American War:

“Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you wackemall.”

And so the History of Wackemallcontinues unabated, always charging, with references to great men and great women who have wackemalled throughout the ages-- some you've known and some you might not have known. And while much remains yet to be discovered the folks at Wackemall University encourage you to follow along as they continue to uncover more great history brought to you by Wackemall Media, Mining, Manufacturing, Farming & Transportation... Wackemall.com

You know, until we can find a paying sponsor.

Please continue to History Of Wackemall: Part 68: St…

Not A Kitten

Years ago my younger brother returned from a summer spent with our grandparents only to surprise our mother with a kitten.

Momma was furious. "Why did you give that child a kitten without at least asking me first?" she complained to our grandfather. "I'm the one who will have to take care of the kitten."

"I figured you'd rather have the kitten than the 'possum," Grandpa explained.

Seems the first morning my brother was there he found a baby 'possum in the feed barrel in the barn and had kept it all summer with intentions of bringing it home. Knowing our mother wouldn't settle for a 'possum Grandpa eventually convinced my little brother to trade the 'possum for a much easier to handle kitten.

Momma was relieved to hear the rest of the story and never complained again about the things Grandpa brought us home with.

The Boy And The Old Man

A young boy, upon meeting an old man and seeing the old man had no teeth, asked the old man, "What happened to your teeth?"

Bearing a toothless grin the old man answered, "I got into a fight with this really big fellow and he knocked them all out."

"Did it hurt?" the boy asked.

"Sure it hurt," the old man answered. "Hurt like the dickens."

"Did you cry?" the boy asked.

"No," the old man boasted, "I got mad and spit them teeth in that big fellow's face. Put his eye out with one of them."

"Are you joshing me?" the boy asked.

"I might be," the old man laughed.

"So how did you really lose your teeth?"

"A dentist pulled them out."

"Did it hurt?" the boy asked.

"Not after he hit me in the head with that 5 pound hammer," the old man fibbed. "I didn't feel a thing until the next morning."

"Do you ever tell the truth?" the boy asked.

"S…

The Myth Of Low Maintenance Lawns

My life long friend and mentor, Veggie Head Stalker explained to me many years ago there are only two kinds of plants you will grow in your yard. One kind you will forever fight to keep alive. The other kind you will fight to the death. Usually your death.