Jun 16, 2017

Ted's Story, According To Ted

Farmer Ted came to town with the intention of making his way as an urban farmer. While Ted had spent most of his live living on a big tomato far out in the country, with the constant increases in the price of fuel, the cost of transporting his crops was getting bigger every year. According to Ted.

And when Ted saw how much tomatoes sold for in the grocery store and compared the retail price to what the produce brokers actually paid Ted for his tomatoes he soon figured out that if he grew his tomatoes in town he could make more money growing fewer tomatoes and doing less work by selling direct to the public. According to Ted.

Anyway, Ted sold off the farm that had been in his family for 49 generations (according to Ted) bought him an abandoned strip mall in the city, and set out to turn it into a year 'round tomato farm and market. You know, according to Ted.

Ted worked hard building greenhouses on top of the existing building and installing tanks below where Tilapia, Catfish, Bass, Crawfish, and even Shrimp could be grown in a high tech aquaponics system designed by Ted himself and according to Ted, more advanced than any other in the world. While other aquaponics growers needed only 2% of the water of conventional agriculture, Ted's system needed only 0.02% of the water of conventional agriculture. As a matter of fact-- according to Ted-- had it not been for the fish he could have gotten by without any water at all.

According to Ted his new farm and market was going just gangbusters, selling every kind of tomatoes you have ever heard of and a few kinds Ted had breed himself until one morning he went to work only to find every tomato and every fish in the place gone, vanished without a trace. According to Ted he immediately called the police.

The police were there for hours that day investigating the obvious theft of Ted's crops. But after hours of dusting for fingerprints and searching for clues they had yet to find a thing. "Damned Fascist" Ted complained, "they steal everything!"

Now according to Ted the detective in charge of the investigation explained, "No, that's the one thing we do know. The thieves weren't Fascist."

"How do you know that?" Ted asked.

"Well Fascist don't steal," the detective answered. "they just burn everything to the ground so everyone is forced to buy their imported GMO tomatoes grown overseas with slave labor."

According to Ted he wasn't one to give up easy and since it wasn't the Fascist and his urban farm was still standing, Ted took some of his savings and started restocking his farm. With all the publicity he got he soon was selling more than ever before. He soon made enough money to put a chain link fence all around the parking lot securing most of the property.

Now to hear Ted tell it there were several golden years before one morning he came in and found that someone had trashed the place really bad. There was some theft but mostly vandalism, windows broken out, busted tomatoes everywhere, equipment destroyed, thousands of dead fish on the floors. "Who could have done this?" Ted asked, "communists?"

"Not likely communists," the detective replied. "If the communists were to take over you'd still be running your farm but wouldn't be able to afford to eat your own tomatoes 'cause they'd control your business."

Like the first time, the culprits were never caught.

It took a while longer to get everything repaired this time but according to Ted he was able to operate part of his facilities almost immediately so his losses weren't really as big as the first time but no sooner had he got everything up and running when he was again a victim. "Damned anarchists! Damned anarchists! Damned anarchists!" Ted was still shouting when the detective arrived. "Damned anarchists!"

"No," the detective disagreed, "I don't think it was anarchists."

"Why not?" Ted asked.

"Because anarchists usually break in, steal only what they need, and leave," the detective answered. "Somebody flattened this entire place with a bulldozer. There's nothing left."

"Well who do you think done it?" Ted asked

"Well being that a red light camera just one block up the street snapped a photo of you running the red light while driving a bulldozer late last night I'd say the odds are pretty good you've been the culprit all along," the detective answered. "Just how much did you have this place insured for?"

According to Ted he was home alone all night but that couldn't explain the bulldozer rental.