Showing posts from June, 2017

Why I'm Riding My Bicycle To Town Today

No Need For Violence, Sir

Don't beat me, don't beat me,
I can't feel a thing.
Just give me your money
and listen, "Cha-ching."

This PMN special report is made possible by ESP and a slow Time-Warner Internet connection. Too bad I have to pay them for their sponsorship.

Party Time!

Go ahead, have at it, take your best shot. I'm a piñata filled with bees. Sure, I'll bust, you'll win the war as pretty as you please. But you'll look like a porcupine who caught a foul disease, left wondering if the victory won was worth the pain you wish would leave.


Two Wheel Adventure
Pack it, stuff it,
tie it all down.
What did I forget
before I left town?
Did I pack extra spark plugs?
Remember my lunch?
Is my bike over loaded?
By a whole bunch?
Did I pack all my tool kit?
Did I pack my tent?
Do I have any idea
the money I've spent?
Pack it, stuff it,
tie it all down
and hope all is ready
before I leave town.

Blackhawk Rising

One of my bros and were riding out to the clubhouse one night in his car as we were on beer duty that night and couldn't fit all the beer on our bikes. As was usually the case back then, we were stoned as hell. We came up behind an ancient pick-up truck with so much smoke blowing out the back that it was choking us to death.
We stayed behind the rolling oil slick for a mile or more and finally Freddy had all he could take and passes it on a double yellow line. Out of nowhere came the highway patrol dead on our ass.
Freddy had a beautiful .357 Ruger Blackhawk revolver in a holster on his side, open carry, perfectly legal. But as he was stoned he flipped out, panicked, handed me the gun and told me to hide it.
I tried to convince him to put it back in the holster but he insisted so I chunked it under the passenger seat as he pulled over. "How can I help you?" Freddy asked as the officer walked up to the car.
"Well the first thing you can do," the officer said as he…

Two Eagles Talking

"You know what I learned about humans today?"

"No what?"

"They eat things they hate to eat."

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

"Why that's just crazy."

"You know what else?"

"No, tell me."

"They eat things they know are bad for them. They mix all the yucky, bad stuff together and call it processed foods."

"I don't get it. Why would humans do that?"

"I think it's because humans are the ones with the tiny brains."

"I think you might be on to something."

"Well at least I'm not on what humans are on."

"You can say that again."

Get the worst of Two Eagles Talking right here at I mean, it's cheaper than therapy and no one is going to see you walking into the therapist's office.

Photo credit: Eagle Totem, 'cause I had to steal a picture from somewhere.

Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 22

I learned how to manage gout,
saw celebrities nude and topless
and learned there are no bilboards in space... yet.

I learned how to access the Dark Web,
the Deep Web,
and things you should never buy at Costco.

Amazingly, of 10 rules, the third rule of writing
Numbers and Numerals is there are no rules.
Who writes rules like that-- Mathmaticans or English Majors?

startpage claims to be
the world's most private search engine.
But it looks like Google to me.

I learned how to draw the impossible triangle illusion
and that robots must be rewarded
to train them not to be awkward.

Wow, gout, nudity, things you should never buy at Costco
and triangles all in the same boring poem?
That was awkward...

You'd love to know what I left out.

Please continue to Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 23

Girls Ruin Everything

My Daddy had a great fig tree growing in the back yard where I live now. But when he caught his only granddaughter climbing the fig tree did he bust her butt like he did all the little boys who climbed the tree? Noooooo, he sawed down the fig tree.

Like I said, girls ruin everything.

No Parking This Block

This parking meter poem has been made possible by literate parking meters who willingly submit their poetry to Parking Meter Poetry and by feet, the 50 mile per gallon alternative to parking meters.

Parking Meter's Day Off

"No parking, no parking,
there's a bag on my head
with lots of white letters
all shiny and red.
There's a bag on my head,
I'm trying to sleep?
And don't blow your horn
not even a beep.."

What? You were expecting some deep meaning? From a parking meter?

History Of Wackemall: Part 66, Magen Eller

Perhaps you've never read this wondrous quote by Greensboro, North Carolina resident Magen Eller, one who desired to live boldly and did so.

"I'll never cease to ponder the why and what of who I am. If I'm insane, so what? I'm happy. Are you?"
Megan was born in the town of Castalia, North Carolina (pop 268) before making her way to Asheboro and later to Greensboro where she set about to change the world by never asking to do the right thing.

But was this really what Megan first wrote?

As it turns out, researchers from Wackemall University located in Ramseur, North Carolina, just a few miles from where Magen once lived in Asheboro, recently discovered a scrap of paper on a dig in the local landfill that read:

"I'll never cease to ponder the why and what of who I am. If I'm wackemall, so what? I'm happy. Are you?"
It was signed, M Eller.

The guys in the white coats are currently carbon dating the paper to determine its age and requesting ha…

Tyrannicides Wanted?

Found on Craigslist. Click on the image to view full-size.

Golden Tortoise Beatles

I found this pair of Golden Tortoise Beatles doing the beetle boogie on a Bindweed leaf growing next to my red Bergamot.

At first glance I thought I had found something manmade attached to the leaf but as you can see in the second photo there are two of them.

According to Wikipedia, adult Golden Tortoise Beatles  "can turn from shiny gold through reddish-brown when disturbed." I just thought them pretty.

They feed on bindweeds, morning glories, and sweet potato leaves. There's always plenty of  bindweeds and wild morning glories that need pulling up and because I'm not growing sweet potatoes this year I don't think they'll become a problem.

The Bergamot, also known as   bee balm, horsemint, oswego tea, and Monarda. It is a member of the mint family and has several uses including both medicinal and as the source of bergamot oil used to flavor Earl Grey tea.

Also according to Wikipedia, "Bergamot is a source of bergamottin which, along with the chemicall…

Southern Fried Condemned To Die

Chicago, Il-- In what can only be described as a massacre, invaders from the south have overrun this once great Midwestern city. Wackemall Network News brings you the story of the Fast Food Wars in the Windy City.

Southern Fried Sweet Apple Pie

Her turkey breasts were firm and fresh
as the Subway's lights went down
on tader tots too hot to trot--
salsa spilled upon the ground.
Her taco, it was open wide
and screaming, "Where's the beef?"
while old McDonald watched us all
and the Big Fish swam the reef.

She was southern fried, sweet apple pie
so sweet she'd make you rot
and all the fries who went inside
deserved just what they got.
And though they'd planned to wash their hands
it'd not cure what they got
for even though she fed them all
she burnt the whole lot.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the restaurant, Fast Food Delights and late night fights, they haunt your every bite-- good to the last drop! Er... fall to the floor, that is.

When You Can't Fix What's Broken...

Broken Motorcycle, Broken Rider

My bike is broken and I am too.
My hand in a splint, my bike needs new screws.
I'd try to fix it but can't use my hand
so riding now ain't in my plans.
I dream of wind blowing on my face
to quell my pain, back in the chase.
But the biggest thing that makes me blue...
Well I can tell you gal, it sure ain't you.

The Way Things Used To Be.

Sometimes you must accept the fact that things never were like you thought they were.

Biggest Bean I Ever Seen

A few days ago I showed you my Asparagus Beans and the Cantaloupes or Cucumbers that came up with them (bottom photo.)

This morning I picked my first Asparagus Bean, laid it on the kitchen table, and pulled out a tape measure.

As you can see by clicking on the photos to expand them, it measures 24 inches long.

Not only that but the Asparagus Beans bear earlier and are at least as prolific as the other green beans we planted in the back yard.

Now that's a lot of bean.

It looks really skinny due to its length but in reality it is as fat as any green bean you have ever seen-- fatter than most.

The USDA recommends leaving a few on the vine to dry, then put them away for the Winter so you'll have seeds for the next Spring and encourages home gardeners to grow what is also sometimes called the Yard Long Bean.

By the way, most are said to only grow to about 18 inches but with good soil and all the rain we've
had of late I suspect a lot of veggies will be
producing big fruits thi…

Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women

I'm almost certain this has been done before but here goes. Like women, motorcycles are expensive and sometimes difficult to figure out. But unlike women:

*Your motorcycle won't divorce you for some dude on a newer motorcycle.
*Motorcycles don't care if you smell like gasoline.
*Your motorcycle doesn't care that you've been riding another motorcycle.
*You can swap motorcycles with your friends. Or with complete strangers if that's what twists your throttle.
*Your motorcycle will let you ride as long as you like until the day it dies. Then you can get another without having to spend $10,000 Dollars to bury it.
*You won't do time If you kill your motorcycle.
*Motorcycles don't care if you strip them down-- even if you do it in public.
*Motorcycles don't care if it rains on a camping trip.
*You won't have to become a Mormon Extremest to have more than one motorcycle.
*Your motorcycle will never demand you take her home just as the party is getting…

Fast Food Porn

Undisclosed Location-- The Fast Food War is heating up and by heating up we mean, spicy, with even journalists from Wackemall Network News be forced into the affair.

Any Way I Can

Captain John said to Chick Filet,
“Hey Babe, let’s fudrucker.
We can party platter ‘til we drop.
Bojangles, he’s a sucker.”

Bojangles said, “I’ll bust your head
you mess with my Chick Filet!”
And while the two, they fought it out,
I clucked Filet all day.

Can't get your head around it? Try Laureate Red and you'll not care.

The Truth About Growing Mushrooms At Home

As much as I'd like to grow mushrooms, allow you to tell you of my own experiment with growing mushrooms many years ago.

Having no better place I grew them in the crawl space under my house as was recommended by the supplier of the spores. I did everything according to the directions and in about a month I had mushrooms-- thousands of mushrooms, tens of thousands of mushrooms, maybe even hundreds of thousands of mushrooms all growing under my house at the same time.

And I was... completely unprepared to deal with so many mushrooms.

I ate mushrooms, gave mushrooms away, sold a few mushrooms but mostly I put mushrooms in the compost pile.

And in just about 2 weeks all the mushrooms were gone as the weather had gotten warmer and the mushrooms had gone dormant for the summer.

I checked on my mushrooms regularly for weeks on end, kept the beds moist, but nothing ever happened. Eventually I forgot about the mushrooms.

One day in the Fall I came home from work only to discover a h…

Decorating Toilet Bowel Cleaner Recalled

Ramseur, NC-- The makers of Wackemall Products wish to inform you they are sorry they have been ordered to recall up to 20 million bottles of Wackemall Decorating Toilet Bowel Cleaner.

While the product worked exactly as advertised, many consumers failed to realize that Decorating Toilet Bowel Cleaner is not the same thing as Deodorizing Toilet Bowel Cleaner.

"How is it our fault people can't read?" said Wackemall CEO Harold Hartsoe. "Of course the bottles had paint in them-- that's why we called them decorator and not deodorizer. Does no one read instructions? Why would we try to sell deodorizing toilet bowel cleaner for $55 a bottle when anyone can walk into any dollar store and buy it for a dollar? Our product makes your toilet look like a throne but it doesn't do a think about the smell."

Attorneys for Wackemall Media, Mining, Manufacturing, Farming & Transportation... agreed in an out of court decision with the Consumer Products Safe…

Ted's Story, According To Ted

Farmer Ted came to town with the intention of making his way as an urban farmer. While Ted had spent most of his live living on a big tomato far out in the country, with the constant increases in the price of fuel, the cost of transporting his crops was getting bigger every year. According to Ted.

And when Ted saw how much tomatoes sold for in the grocery store and compared the retail price to what the produce brokers actually paid Ted for his tomatoes he soon figured out that if he grew his tomatoes in town he could make more money growing fewer tomatoes and doing less work by selling direct to the public. According to Ted.

Anyway, Ted sold off the farm that had been in his family for 49 generations (according to Ted) bought him an abandoned strip mall in the city, and set out to turn it into a year 'round tomato farm and market. You know, according to Ted.

Ted worked hard building greenhouses on top of the existing building and installing tanks below where Tilapia, Catfish, Bass, C…

Laureate Red Wines

Laureate Red Wine

Laureate Red, Laureate Red
goes to your head, Laureate Red.
Goes down real smooth.
It helps you move.
Hear what I said, Laureate Red!

Hear what I said, Laureate Red!

Laureate Red Wine, the red wine choice of Redneck Poet Laureates everywhere.

Laureate Red, Laureate White, Laureate Rose', and Laureate Wines Ltd. are all Trademarks of Laureate Wines and Billy Jones. Any unauthorized use is prohibited and punishable by law. And by Bruno, head of Laureate Security. Please respect Intellectual Property, Copyright, and Trademark Laws.

To Park Or Not To Park? That Is The Question

Greensboro, NC-- The parking meters of the world have united in a giant passion play to produce change-- lots of change that can be converted to lots of dollars to do with any way they please. And these bright young meters have become literate and are using their new found skills to get their message to the world before it's too late.

What? No Change?

You knew I was waiting
before you came here
and now you are parking--
the rules very clear.
But I'll not harass you,
I'll not make you move.
I'll just tell the cop
when he comes passing through.

What's this, parking meters doing adaptations of Shakyspear? What's next, the assassination of President Obama portrayed in an adaptation of Shakyspear? What's that? You say that played in New York City in 2012? How about the assassination of President Trump portrayed in an adaptation of Shakyspear? Oh, they did that in New York in 2017... Tony Blair? Margaret Thatcher?

Oh well, Rome won't be falling here, and whateve…

Giant Swirling Butthole Craps Downdown

Greensboro, NC-- Visitors to Downtown Greensboro were shocked yesterday to discover the city had been defecated on by what appeared to be a giant swirling butthole.

Yesterday afternoon, residents and workers became alarmed after hearing a loud noise one downtown worker described as the loudest fart she had ever heard.

Others called Guilford County 911 to report what they believed to be a toxic chemical spill somewhere in the downtown area.

Later, while searching through social media, reporters for Wackemall Network News found this photograph of the Dorothy Bardoff Building stained by what Greensboro Firefighters, trained in hazardous materials response, only described as a giant swirling butthole.

The building was bought last year by Kotis Properties.

When asked, Greensboro Mayor Nancy Baracat Vaughan replied, "While I know it isn't Mr Kotis's fault, as the owner of the building, the least he could do, is to do something about the fecund stench."

No one from Kotis P…

Two Eagles Talking

"You know, most humans work every day."

"What for?"

"To pay for food and a place to nest."

"Why that's just silly, food and nests are free, all you have to do is hunt for them."

"Yea, but don't tell them, they might start hunting us again."

"Good idea."

Get the best of Two Eagles Talking right here at I mean, where else can you get advice worthy of America's greatest bird brains for free?

Photo credit: Eagle Totem, 'cause I've never been close enough to an eagle to take its picture.

Don't Give It A Second...

Second Thoughts

Second thoughts, they always come just when you want to dance. Second thoughts will make you run if you give them half a chance. Second thoughts, they bring no hope-- they carry hope away-- those second thoughts, you can't forget the fear on which they prey...

Texas Enters The Fray

San Antonio, Tx-- Texans are no stranger to revolution and now it seems the Fast Food War has brought us yet a seventh flag to have flown over the land once known as Tejas-- a native American word for friends and allies.

The Siege Of San Antonio

Five Guys came--we'd heard of them--
didn't think them any threat.
And while Whataburger triumphed.
In-N-Out won a few bets
using chain, hooks, straps and hoists
they tied the others down.
Shouting, "Remember the Alamo!"
and drove them back to Tulsa town.

Will Ronald and the King retaliate against the Lone Star State just as  Antonio de Padua María Severino López de Santa Anna y Pérez de Lebrón, AKA Santa Anna did before? Will the Tejanos rally against the red headed clown and his fast food minions? And will Six Flags Over Texas Have To change it's name? Find out next time here at Wackemall Network News.

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

When I Grow Up

Don't want to be a doctor
making lots of dough.
Don't want to be a lawyer
or a policeman on the go.
Don't want to be a scientist
or an astronaut, you know.
Don't want to be a preacher
or an actor in a show.
Don't want to be a farmer
with seeds always to sow.
Don't want to be a fireman
or a politician-- no...

When I grow up; find myself at last
I dream I'll just be scooter trash.

Armageddon Strikes

Look Out, Ronald!
Quizno said to the the Burger King,
"I'm bringing in the sub.
If the red headed clown, he lets us down
the fries will do the rub."
"Off with his head!" the Burger King said,
"Who needs him anyway?"
Quizno laughed, "I'll just take half
but I'll have it all someday."

Today's fast food delight has been brought to you by Wackemall Products, makers of BARRIDOG! Construction Barriers, BARAGOATS, BARRICOWS,  and coming back into production soon, BARRICATS! If you need to wack somebody you need a Wackemall.

Worse Than Terrorism?

Is terrorism the lowest form of life taking? While I cannot condone nor defend terrorism, terrorists kill for what they believe in (God and country) just like soldiers kill for what they believe in.
But what about the mercenary who kills for money? Is that not even lower? Or the faceless corporations whose actions take in Billions of Dollars each year while leaving the poor to die slow deaths of disease and starvation that could have easily been prevented had the perpetrators not been hiding behind corporate charters?

Are the innocent victims of mercenaries and corporations worth any less than the innocent victims of terrorists? And can we condone or excuse death in the name of the almighty God Dollar?

Bungle In The Jungle With The Belle Of Calumet Street

She was indeed the Belle of Calumet Street. At least, she was at the time. I met her through her younger brother with whom I rode motorcycles. You know, before either of us could afford Harleys.

While she didn't look a day over 15, she was the first woman I was ever with who was older than me. She was probably no more than 25 if that old, but I was yet to turn 20. Dating an "older woman" seemed exotic then, like a conquest or a prize.

Yes, I had a lot to learn.

She told me she didn't want to be that girl I only took out into the woods. I promised she wouldn't be then drove her to one of my favorite parking spots in the woods just off of McConnell Road.

Like most young men, I was a dog.

I'm guessing she wouldn't have given in so easily but the hottest new song on the radio then was Jethro Tull's Bungle In The Jungle and she'd never before heard it. I already knew every word by heart and in those days I could melt women with my singing voice.

What most p…

A Sappy Poem

When Mechanics Write Love Poems

I can't unbolt you, look under your hood,
fix all that is broken, tune what's still good.
Can't rebuild your carb, reset your jets,
advance your timing, get everything set.
Can't sand all your fenders, make everything smooth,
air up your tires and check they're not grooved,
paint you as if a fountain of youth.

So I guess I'll just drive you just as you are
hoping you'll forgive the reference to cars
for I'm just a mechanic-- a man of wrenches--
whose gone a bit crazy and lost all his senses.

The Garden I Never Grew

I made up my mind I wasn't going to grow a garden in 2017, The raised beds are filled with weeds. I never tilled the garden beds behind the raised beds, preferring instead to just raise my lawnmower and run it across them. But I had half a pack of left over Asparagus Bean Seeds left over from a failed attempt to grow them last year and there was nothing growing in these big pipes in front of my house that used to be US Army rocket launchers so I planted the seeds in there and the vines started growing, Where the Cantaloupe vines came from is anyone's guess. The tall stuff growing to the lower left is Oregano and Sage.

The Fennel growing in the kiddy pool behind the rocket launchers is a perennial that comes back each year. I know my containers are, how shall I put it? Different? But seriously, Folks, you can grow food in anything that will hold dirt. I've successfully grown tomatoes in an old cowboy boot on my porch and worn out motorcycle helmets as hanging baskets. Some…

Journalism Today

Jay Gould, ruthless robber baron and railroad developer of the Gilded Age,was purported to have said, "I can always hire half the people to kill the other half."

Today's journalist have become that hired half, killing us with their propaganda.

Yes, it's a broad generalization but it holds true for far too many of what was once a respected tradition.

Hey Fool, You Park Where I Tell You To Park!

Greensboro, NC-- It's shocking but true! They're organized and lining the streets everywhere you look, entire cities are under siege and soon there will be no escaping these outlaws masquerading as law and order. And it's all because no one listened to their cries.

Roll On Sucka'

Life is unfair, tires aren't square,
they're round so they roll on and on
so unless you brought some change with you,
you'd best be rolling 'long.

This Poem a la Parking Meter was made possible by tired feet, the alternative to paying to park.

Get the latest Parking Meter Updates at Wackemall Network News. Or don't. With advertisers like tired feet, we'll go broke either way.

What You Need To Know About Picking A Safe Motorcycle Color

Recently I posted pictures of a red motorcycle and a black motorcycle to Facebook telling my friends I was considering a purchase and wondering which color they preferred. The majority picked red.

While I didn't ask why, several of those who picked red, told me it was out of concern for my safety. They believe a red motorcycle is more easily seen by other drivers.

Now having ridden motorcycles since 1974 and having owned red, white, blue, black, green, gray, and various two tone and even mural painted motorcycles, my own opinion was that the color of one's motorcycle makes no real difference in how visible you are to other traffic at night. And quite possibly, black motorcycles become the most visible in the daytime.

But that was just my opinion based on what my eyes were telling me. The truth was yet to be seen.

So I posted the following question to Facebook:

"I'd like some answers from real, experienced motorcyclists based on your many years of safe, and sometimes no…

The Cycle of Life

Any business that blames the changing tastes of a new generation for the downfall of its business only needs to be made to remember it was the change in taste of the generations before that made that business what it once was. Businesses must die and be reborn just like people.

Lookout Pass

According to Wikipedia:

"Lookout Pass is a mountain pass in the Rocky Mountains of the northwestern United States. In the Coeur d'Alene Mountains of the Bitterroot Range, the pass is on the border between Idaho and Montana, traversed by Interstate 90 at an elevation of 4,710 feet (1,436 m) above sea level.

Lookout Pass is the eastern border of northern Idaho's Silver Valley, and has the distinction of being "Exit 0" on Interstate 90 in Montana. Lookout Pass Ski and Recreation Area is on the eastbound side of the highway, straddling the border. The state border line is the ridge line of the mountains and at the pass runs briefly east-west, with Idaho on the north side and Montana the south.

The pass separates the communities of Mullan in Shoshone County, Idaho, and Saltese in Mineral County, Montana. It is the highest point on Interstate 90 between Seattle and Missoula. The pass is also a time zone border, with northern Idaho on Pacific Time and Montana on Mountain …

As Your Brothers Fall Around You

The Cut

When the patches become targets
for others to attack
and the twisting of the throttle
can never take you back--
your world falls down around you
and you only want to ride
the day will come when you'll be done
and then you will decide...

Illicit Drugs Found In Fast Food?

Laredo, Texas-- The border wall may be stopping illegal immigration but journalists for Wackemall Network News have learned that smugglers with aid from the Central Intelligence Agency are running a drugs for guns exchange beneath the wall, designed to help launch a major offensive in the Fast Food War.

What we don't know is where they plan to strike.

Trump This!

The Subway ran through Mexico,
underneath the border wall
trafficking guacamole
to be consumed by all.

Headed south they hauled butt back--
Sonic Blasters by the cases--
stocking up and training hard
to put it in our faces.

Definition of Schadenfreude


While commonly defined as a feeling of joy that comes from watching others suffer, Schadenfreude is the emotion that propels humans to seek out and punish those who do wrong or break the law. Without at least some Schadenfreude there would be no human desire to enforce laws or punish offenders. Right or wrong, Schadenfreude is an integral part of law and order.

Schadenfreude, when allowed in excess, is destructive to individuals and society as a whole.

To attempt to operate government or society without at least some degree of Schadenfreude inevitably leads to Ineptocracy and a complete breakdown of society. 

A New Playa' In The Fast Food Wars

New York, NY-- The cast of bad actors never seems to stop coming into my horrid coverage of the Fast Food Wars. Even state side the bad guys appear to be everywhere and we here at the Wackemall News Network will follow them to the ends of the earth into the restaurant to point them out.

McCruncher Comes To Town

McCruncher walked up to the bar,
a tall one he poured down.
Said, "Forget the fat, my patty's flat
and about this big around.
I know you think I'm bragging
so I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll drag the fish fillet in back
and make her scream, it's true.

Nobody dared to stop him
as he dragged her to the back.
Not even one would stop his fun
all scared he might attack.
From in the back we heard her screams
as she pleaded, "Let me be!"
And when he left a tartered mess
was all she'd ever be.

Fast Food Delights are neither supported by or connected with McDonald's or any other fast food restaurant and are in-fact a parodyFast Food War disp…