Jun 30, 2017

Why I'm Riding My Bicycle To Town Today

No Need For Violence, Sir

Don't beat me, don't beat me,
I can't feel a thing.
Just give me your money
and listen, "Cha-ching."

This PMN special report is made possible by ESP and a slow Time-Warner Internet connection. Too bad I have to pay them for their sponsorship.

Jun 29, 2017

Party Time!

Go ahead, have at it, take your best shot. I'm a piñata filled with bees. Sure, I'll bust, you'll win the war as pretty as you please. But you'll look like a porcupine who caught a foul disease, left wondering if the victory won was worth the pain you wish would leave.


Two Wheel Adventure

Pack it, stuff it,
tie it all down.
What did I forget
before I left town?
Did I pack extra spark plugs?
Remember my lunch?
Is my bike over loaded?
By a whole bunch?
Did I pack all my tool kit?
Did I pack my tent?
Do I have any idea
the money I've spent?
Pack it, stuff it,
tie it all down
and hope all is ready
before I leave town.

Jun 27, 2017

Blackhawk Rising

One of my bros and were riding out to the clubhouse one night in his car as we were on beer duty that night and couldn't fit all the beer on our bikes. As was usually the case back then, we were stoned as hell. We came up behind an ancient pick-up truck with so much smoke blowing out the back that it was choking us to death.

We stayed behind the rolling oil slick for a mile or more and finally Freddy had all he could take and passes it on a double yellow line. Out of nowhere came the highway patrol dead on our ass.

Freddy had a beautiful .357 Ruger Blackhawk revolver in a holster on his side, open carry, perfectly legal. But as he was stoned he flipped out, panicked, handed me the gun and told me to hide it.

I tried to convince him to put it back in the holster but he insisted so I chunked it under the passenger seat as he pulled over. "How can I help you?" Freddy asked as the officer walked up to the car.

"Well the first thing you can do," the officer said as he drew his own revolver, "is tell me where the gun is that goes in that holster?"

"I gave it to him," Freddy said.

Now wanting to be cooperative, with a great big grin on my face and obviously every bit as stoned as Freddy, I said, "I'll get it for you." and I reached under the seat. It was at that moment I discovered there was a second cop with his pistol pushed against the side of my head. "Ah, maybe you'd rather get it for yourself," I said as I carefully raised both my hands.

The officers had us both get out of the car and moved us to opposite ends of the car. "I'm going to search you," the officer told me. "Am I going to find any drugs or weapons?"

"I've got a bag of pot in my boot," I told him.

"No weapons?" he asked.

"Just a Buck Knife," I answered.

He searched me, found the pot in my boot and my Buck Knife. And then found a joint in my shirt pocket." You didn't tell me about the joint."

"I forgot," I said.

"Are you high now?" he asked.

"I was really high when you stopped us," I answered.

"Amazing how quick you straighten up when things go wrong," he said.

"Yeah," I said, "Kinda takes all the fun out of it.

They directed me to remain standing where I was and put Freddy in the back of the highway patrol car where the three of them sat and talked for a while. I have no idea what they talked about but eventually they called me over to the car and had Freddy give me his car keys, wallet and all his money.

They gave me back my Buck Knife and told me to drive Freddy's car and follow them to the jail in the hopes that in-between the two of us, we had enough money to pay his bail.

Damn those guys drive fast. They almost lost me a couple of times.

When I got to the magistrate's office I witnessed something I would have never thought I would see. The highway patrol officers, city police officers and sheriff's deputies were all raving over Freddy's Ruger Blackhawk Revolver. So much so that the magistrate decided to auction the revolver off to the highest bidder. I stood right there in the office as the auction took place until finally one of the officers carried it outside.

Then the magistrate set bail so low I was amazed I had enough cash to bail Freddy out without a bondsman.

Of course, Freddy hired an attorney to represent him in court and as the only thing they had charged him with was concealing a weapon his lawyer demanded the DA produce the weapon as proof. But as the Blackhawk had already gone home with some law enforcement officer there was no weapon to produce.

The charges were dropped.

But almost 50 years later Freddy still wants his Blackhawk back.

Two Eagles Talking

"You know what I learned about humans today?"

"No what?"

"They eat things they hate to eat."

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

"Why that's just crazy."

"You know what else?"

"No, tell me."

"They eat things they know are bad for them. They mix all the yucky, bad stuff together and call it processed foods."

"I don't get it. Why would humans do that?"

"I think it's because humans are the ones with the tiny brains."

"I think you might be on to something."

"Well at least I'm not on what humans are on."

"You can say that again."

Get the worst of Two Eagles Talking right here at Wackemall.com. I mean, it's cheaper than therapy and no one is going to see you walking into the therapist's office.

Photo credit: Eagle Totem, 'cause I had to steal a picture from somewhere.

Jun 25, 2017

Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 22

I learned how to manage gout,
saw celebrities nude and topless
and learned there are no bilboards in space... yet.

I learned how to access the Dark Web,
the Deep Web,
and things you should never buy at Costco.

Amazingly, of 10 rules, the third rule of writing
Numbers and Numerals is there are no rules.
Who writes rules like that-- Mathmaticans or English Majors?

startpage claims to be
the world's most private search engine.
But it looks like Google to me.

I learned how to draw the impossible triangle illusion
and that robots must be rewarded
to train them not to be awkward.

Wow, gout, nudity, things you should never buy at Costco
and triangles all in the same boring poem?
That was awkward...

You'd love to know what I left out.

Please continue to Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 23

Girls Ruin Everything

My Daddy had a great fig tree growing in the back yard where I live now. But when he caught his only granddaughter climbing the fig tree did he bust her butt like he did all the little boys who climbed the tree? Noooooo, he sawed down the fig tree.

Like I said, girls ruin everything.

Jun 23, 2017

No Parking This Block

This parking meter poem has been made possible by literate parking meters who willingly submit their poetry to Parking Meter Poetry and by feet, the 50 mile per gallon alternative to parking meters.

Parking Meter's Day Off

"No parking, no parking,
there's a bag on my head
with lots of white letters
all shiny and red.
There's a bag on my head,
I'm trying to sleep?
And don't blow your horn
not even a beep.."

What? You were expecting some deep meaning? From a parking meter?

Jun 22, 2017

History Of Wackemall: Part 66, Magen Eller

Perhaps you've never read this wondrous quote by Greensboro, North Carolina resident Magen Eller, one who desired to live boldly and did so.

"I'll never cease to ponder the why and what of who I am. If I'm insane, so what? I'm happy. Are you?"

Megan was born in the town of Castalia, North Carolina (pop 268) before making her way to Asheboro and later to Greensboro where she set about to change the world by never asking to do the right thing.

But was this really what Megan first wrote?

As it turns out, researchers from Wackemall University located in Ramseur, North Carolina, just a few miles from where Magen once lived in Asheboro, recently discovered a scrap of paper on a dig in the local landfill that read:

"I'll never cease to ponder the why and what of who I am. If I'm wackemall, so what? I'm happy. Are you?"

It was signed, M Eller.

The guys in the white coats are currently carbon dating the paper to determine its age and requesting handwriting samples from Ms Eller's family.

The History Of Wackemall is filled with references to great men and great women who have wackemalled throughout the ages-- some you've known and some you might not have known. And while much remains sketchy the folks at Wackemall University encourage you to follow along as they continue to uncover more great history brought to you by Wackemall Media, Mining, Manufacturing, Farming & Transportation... Wackemall.com

Please continue reading History Of Wackemall: Part 67, Theodore Roosevelt .

Tyrannicides Wanted?

Found on Craigslist. Click on the image to view full-size.

Jun 21, 2017

Golden Tortoise Beatles

 I found this pair of Golden Tortoise Beatles doing the beetle boogie on a Bindweed leaf growing next to my red Bergamot.

At first glance I thought I had found something manmade attached to the leaf but as you can see in the second photo there are two of them.

According to Wikipedia, adult Golden Tortoise Beatles  "can turn from shiny gold through reddish-brown when disturbed." I just thought them pretty.

They feed on bindweeds, morning glories, and sweet potato leaves. There's always plenty of  bindweeds and wild morning glories that need pulling up and because I'm not growing sweet potatoes this year I don't think they'll become a problem.

The Bergamot, also known as   bee balm, horsemint, oswego tea, and Monarda. It is a member of the mint family and has several uses including both medicinal and as the source of bergamot oil used to flavor Earl Grey tea.

Also according to Wikipedia, "Bergamot is a source of bergamottin which, along with the chemically related compound 6',7'-dihydroxybergamottin, is known to be responsible for grapefruit–drug interactions in which the consumption of the juice affects the metabolism of a variety of pharmaceutical drugs." So if your doctor has told you not to eat grapefruit or drink grapefruit juice, you should probably be avoiding Earl Gray and Bergamont.

Well that just sucks. First they take away my grapefruit and now this.

Southern Fried Condemned To Die

Chicago, Il-- In what can only be described as a massacre, invaders from the south have overrun this once great Midwestern city. Wackemall Network News brings you the story of the Fast Food Wars in the Windy City.

Southern Fried Sweet Apple Pie

Her turkey breasts were firm and fresh
as the Subway's lights went down
on tader tots too hot to trot--
salsa spilled upon the ground.
Her taco, it was open wide
and screaming, "Where's the beef?"
while old McDonald watched us all
and the Big Fish swam the reef.

She was southern fried, sweet apple pie
so sweet she'd make you rot
and all the fries who went inside
deserved just what they got.
And though they'd planned to wash their hands
it'd not cure what they got
for even though she fed them all
she burnt the whole lot.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the restaurant, Fast Food Delights and late night fights, they haunt your every bite-- good to the last drop! Er... fall to the floor, that is.

Jun 20, 2017

When You Can't Fix What's Broken...

Broken Motorcycle, Broken Rider

My bike is broken and I am too.
My hand in a splint, my bike needs new screws.
I'd try to fix it but can't use my hand
so riding now ain't in my plans.
I dream of wind blowing on my face
to quell my pain, back in the chase.
But the biggest thing that makes me blue...

Well I can tell you gal, it sure ain't you.

The Way Things Used To Be.

Sometimes you must accept the fact that things never were like you thought they were.

Biggest Bean I Ever Seen

 A few days ago I showed you my Asparagus Beans and the Cantaloupes or Cucumbers that came up with them (bottom photo.)

This morning I picked my first Asparagus Bean, laid it on the kitchen table, and pulled out a tape measure.

As you can see by clicking on the photos to expand them, it measures 24 inches long.

Not only that but the Asparagus Beans bear earlier and are at least as prolific as the other green beans we planted in the back yard.

Now that's a lot of bean.

It looks really skinny due to its length but in reality it is as fat as any green bean you have ever seen-- fatter than most.

The USDA recommends leaving a few on the vine to dry, then put them away for the Winter so you'll have seeds for the next Spring and encourages home gardeners to grow what is also sometimes called the Yard Long Bean.

By the way, most are said to only grow to about 18 inches but with good soil and all the rain we've
had of late I suspect a lot of veggies will be
producing big fruits this year.

Can't wait to find out what they taste like.

Jun 19, 2017

Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women

I'm almost certain this has been done before but here goes. Like women, motorcycles are expensive and sometimes difficult to figure out. But unlike women:

*Your motorcycle won't divorce you for some dude on a newer motorcycle.
*Motorcycles don't care if you smell like gasoline.
*Your motorcycle doesn't care that you've been riding another motorcycle.
*You can swap motorcycles with your friends. Or with complete strangers if that's what twists your throttle.
*Your motorcycle will let you ride as long as you like until the day it dies. Then you can get another without having to spend $10,000 Dollars to bury it.
*You won't do time If you kill your motorcycle.
*Motorcycles don't care if you strip them down-- even if you do it in public.
*Motorcycles don't care if it rains on a camping trip.
*You won't have to become a Mormon Extremest to have more than one motorcycle.
*Your motorcycle will never demand you take her home just as the party is getting started.
*Motorcycles like your friends.
*Your motorcycle doesn't care what you're tracking-in on your shoes.
*You motorcycle will never complain when you bring friend over for dinner-- even if you didn't tell her in advance.
*Your motorcycle won't bitch if you don't help around the house.
*Motorcycles don't care what neighborhood you live in.
*Motorcycles never interrupt you when you're watching the big game or your favorite bad-assed biker flic.
*Your motorcycle will never accuse you of neglecting her-- even if you do.
*Your motorcycle will never complain to your mother-in-law or go home because you're running around on her.
*Your motorcycle won't punch you in the back to complain that it's cold, hungry or tired.
*Your motorcycle will never get too drunk to ride.
*Your motorcycle might roll over on you but it will never turn state's evidence.
*Chrome is cheaper than diamonds!
*Your motorcycle only needs one pair of shoes at a time.
*Motorcycles never expect you to dress up. They don't even care if you wear clothes.
*Your motorcycle doesn't care about the shade of the lipstick on your dick. You can even sit on your motorcycle while you're getting a blow job and your motorcycle won't mind.

And from my friend Wooley:

*Your motorcycle will never ask if you will respect her in the morning.
*Your motorcycle will never ask where your going or when you'll be back.
*Your motorcycle will never get pissed because you called in sick so you can go ride.
*Your motorcycle could care less that you've been checking out all the new younger models.

Jun 17, 2017

Fast Food Porn

Undisclosed Location-- The Fast Food War is heating up and by heating up we mean, spicy, with even journalists from Wackemall Network News be forced into the affair.

Any Way I Can

Captain John said to Chick Filet,
“Hey Babe, let’s fudrucker.
We can party platter ‘til we drop.
Bojangles, he’s a sucker.”

Bojangles said, “I’ll bust your head
you mess with my Chick Filet!”
And while the two, they fought it out,
I clucked Filet all day.

Can't get your head around it? Try Laureate Red and you'll not care.

The Truth About Growing Mushrooms At Home

As much as I'd like to grow mushrooms, allow you to tell you of my own experiment with growing mushrooms many years ago.

Having no better place I grew them in the crawl space under my house as was recommended by the supplier of the spores. I did everything according to the directions and in about a month I had mushrooms-- thousands of mushrooms, tens of thousands of mushrooms, maybe even hundreds of thousands of mushrooms all growing under my house at the same time.

And I was... completely unprepared to deal with so many mushrooms.

I ate mushrooms, gave mushrooms away, sold a few mushrooms but mostly I put mushrooms in the compost pile.

And in just about 2 weeks all the mushrooms were gone as the weather had gotten warmer and the mushrooms had gone dormant for the summer.

I checked on my mushrooms regularly for weeks on end, kept the beds moist, but nothing ever happened. Eventually I forgot about the mushrooms.

One day in the Fall I came home from work only to discover a horrid smell had taken over my entire house. I mean it was bad.

The search began and eventually I looked under my house only to find I had mushrooms-- thousands of mushrooms, tens of thousands of mushrooms, maybe even hundreds of thousands of mushrooms all rotting under my house.

Problem is: Mushroom spores remain dormant until the temperature is around 68-72 F. Then they all pop up at once, grow for a week or two, make new spores, and die. So unless you have a cave, an air conditioned environment or climate that remains 68-72 F most of the year, growing mushrooms year 'round can be a real chore, if not impossible.

My mushrooms, my growing medium and all ended up in the compost pile.

Jun 16, 2017

Decorating Toilet Bowel Cleaner Recalled

Ramseur, NC-- The makers of Wackemall Products wish to inform you they are sorry they have been ordered to recall up to 20 million bottles of Wackemall Decorating Toilet Bowel Cleaner.

While the product worked exactly as advertised, many consumers failed to realize that Decorating Toilet Bowel Cleaner is not the same thing as Deodorizing Toilet Bowel Cleaner.

"How is it our fault people can't read?" said Wackemall CEO Harold Hartsoe. "Of course the bottles had paint in them-- that's why we called them decorator and not deodorizer. Does no one read instructions? Why would we try to sell deodorizing toilet bowel cleaner for $55 a bottle when anyone can walk into any dollar store and buy it for a dollar? Our product makes your toilet look like a throne but it doesn't do a think about the smell."

Attorneys for Wackemall Media, Mining, Manufacturing, Farming & Transportation... Wackemall.com agreed in an out of court decision with the Consumer Products Safety Commission to refund the purchase price of any unopened bottles saying it would be unfair to make Wackemall pay refunds for toilets that had already been decorated. The court agreed.

Ted's Story, According To Ted

Farmer Ted came to town with the intention of making his way as an urban farmer. While Ted had spent most of his live living on a big tomato far out in the country, with the constant increases in the price of fuel, the cost of transporting his crops was getting bigger every year. According to Ted.

And when Ted saw how much tomatoes sold for in the grocery store and compared the retail price to what the produce brokers actually paid Ted for his tomatoes he soon figured out that if he grew his tomatoes in town he could make more money growing fewer tomatoes and doing less work by selling direct to the public. According to Ted.

Anyway, Ted sold off the farm that had been in his family for 49 generations (according to Ted) bought him an abandoned strip mall in the city, and set out to turn it into a year 'round tomato farm and market. You know, according to Ted.

Ted worked hard building greenhouses on top of the existing building and installing tanks below where Tilapia, Catfish, Bass, Crawfish, and even Shrimp could be grown in a high tech aquaponics system designed by Ted himself and according to Ted, more advanced than any other in the world. While other aquaponics growers needed only 2% of the water of conventional agriculture, Ted's system needed only 0.02% of the water of conventional agriculture. As a matter of fact-- according to Ted-- had it not been for the fish he could have gotten by without any water at all.

According to Ted his new farm and market was going just gangbusters, selling every kind of tomatoes you have ever heard of and a few kinds Ted had breed himself until one morning he went to work only to find every tomato and every fish in the place gone, vanished without a trace. According to Ted he immediately called the police.

The police were there for hours that day investigating the obvious theft of Ted's crops. But after hours of dusting for fingerprints and searching for clues they had yet to find a thing. "Damned Fascist" Ted complained, "they steal everything!"

Now according to Ted the detective in charge of the investigation explained, "No, that's the one thing we do know. The thieves weren't Fascist."

"How do you know that?" Ted asked.

"Well Fascist don't steal," the detective answered. "they just burn everything to the ground so everyone is forced to buy their imported GMO tomatoes grown overseas with slave labor."

According to Ted he wasn't one to give up easy and since it wasn't the Fascist and his urban farm was still standing, Ted took some of his savings and started restocking his farm. With all the publicity he got he soon was selling more than ever before. He soon made enough money to put a chain link fence all around the parking lot securing most of the property.

Now to hear Ted tell it there were several golden years before one morning he came in and found that someone had trashed the place really bad. There was some theft but mostly vandalism, windows broken out, busted tomatoes everywhere, equipment destroyed, thousands of dead fish on the floors. "Who could have done this?" Ted asked, "communists?"

"Not likely communists," the detective replied. "If the communists were to take over you'd still be running your farm but wouldn't be able to afford to eat your own tomatoes 'cause they'd control your business."

Like the first time, the culprits were never caught.

It took a while longer to get everything repaired this time but according to Ted he was able to operate part of his facilities almost immediately so his losses weren't really as big as the first time but no sooner had he got everything up and running when he was again a victim. "Damned anarchists! Damned anarchists! Damned anarchists!" Ted was still shouting when the detective arrived. "Damned anarchists!"

"No," the detective disagreed, "I don't think it was anarchists."

"Why not?" Ted asked.

"Because anarchists usually break in, steal only what they need, and leave," the detective answered. "Somebody flattened this entire place with a bulldozer. There's nothing left."

"Well who do you think done it?" Ted asked

"Well being that a red light camera just one block up the street snapped a photo of you running the red light while driving a bulldozer late last night I'd say the odds are pretty good you've been the culprit all along," the detective answered. "Just how much did you have this place insured for?"

According to Ted he was home alone all night but that couldn't explain the bulldozer rental.

Laureate Red Wines

Laureate Red Wine

Laureate Red, Laureate Red
goes to your head, Laureate Red.
Goes down real smooth.
It helps you move.
Hear what I said, Laureate Red!

Hear what I said, Laureate Red!

Laureate Red Wine, the red wine choice of Redneck Poet Laureates everywhere.


Laureate Red, Laureate White, Laureate Rose', and Laureate Wines Ltd. are all Trademarks of Laureate Wines and Billy Jones. Any unauthorized use is prohibited and punishable by law. And by Bruno, head of Laureate Security. Please respect Intellectual Property, Copyright, and Trademark Laws.

Jun 15, 2017

To Park Or Not To Park? That Is The Question

Greensboro, NC-- The parking meters of the world have united in a giant passion play to produce change-- lots of change that can be converted to lots of dollars to do with any way they please. And these bright young meters have become literate and are using their new found skills to get their message to the world before it's too late.

What? No Change?

You knew I was waiting
before you came here
and now you are parking--
the rules very clear.
But I'll not harass you,
I'll not make you move.
I'll just tell the cop
when he comes passing through.

What's this, parking meters doing adaptations of Shakyspear? What's next, the assassination of President Obama portrayed in an adaptation of Shakyspear? What's that? You say that played in New York City in 2012? How about the assassination of President Trump portrayed in an adaptation of Shakyspear? Oh, they did that in New York in 2017... Tony Blair? Margaret Thatcher?

Oh well, Rome won't be falling here, and whatever the parking meters do next, you can bet we'll cover it right here at Wackemall Network News.

After all, it's not like anyone else is going to cover it.

Jun 14, 2017

Giant Swirling Butthole Craps Downdown

Greensboro, NC-- Visitors to Downtown Greensboro were shocked yesterday to discover the city had been defecated on by what appeared to be a giant swirling butthole.

Yesterday afternoon, residents and workers became alarmed after hearing a loud noise one downtown worker described as the loudest fart she had ever heard.

Others called Guilford County 911 to report what they believed to be a toxic chemical spill somewhere in the downtown area.

Later, while searching through social media, reporters for Wackemall Network News found this photograph of the Dorothy Bardoff Building stained by what Greensboro Firefighters, trained in hazardous materials response, only described as a giant swirling butthole.

The building was bought last year by Kotis Properties.

When asked, Greensboro Mayor Nancy Baracat Vaughan replied, "While I know it isn't Mr Kotis's fault, as the owner of the building, the least he could do, is to do something about the fecund stench."

No one from Kotis Properties was available to reply.

Jun 13, 2017

Two Eagles Talking

"You know, most humans work every day."

"What for?"

"To pay for food and a place to nest."

"Why that's just silly, food and nests are free, all you have to do is hunt for them."

"Yea, but don't tell them, they might start hunting us again."

"Good idea."

Get the best of Two Eagles Talking right here at Wackemall.com. I mean, where else can you get advice worthy of America's greatest bird brains for free?

Photo credit: Eagle Totem, 'cause I've never been close enough to an eagle to take its picture.

Jun 12, 2017

Don't Give It A Second...

Second Thoughts

Second thoughts, they always come
just when you want to dance.
Second thoughts will make you run
if you give them half a chance.
Second thoughts, they bring no hope--
they carry hope away--
those second thoughts, you can't forget
the fear on which they prey...

Jun 11, 2017

Texas Enters The Fray

San Antonio, Tx-- Texans are no stranger to revolution and now it seems the Fast Food War has brought us yet a seventh flag to have flown over the land once known as Tejas-- a native American word for friends and allies.

The Siege Of San Antonio

Five Guys came--we'd heard of them--
didn't think them any threat.
And while Whataburger triumphed.
In-N-Out won a few bets
using chain, hooks, straps and hoists
they tied the others down.
Shouting, "Remember the Alamo!"
and drove them back to Tulsa town.

Will Ronald and the King retaliate against the Lone Star State just as  Antonio de Padua María Severino López de Santa Anna y Pérez de Lebrón, AKA Santa Anna did before? Will the Tejanos rally against the red headed clown and his fast food minions? And will Six Flags Over Texas Have To change it's name? Find out next time here at Wackemall Network News.

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

When I Grow Up

Don't want to be a doctor
making lots of dough.
Don't want to be a lawyer
or a policeman on the go.
Don't want to be a scientist
or an astronaut, you know.
Don't want to be a preacher
or an actor in a show.
Don't want to be a farmer
with seeds always to sow.
Don't want to be a fireman
or a politician-- no...

When I grow up; find myself at last
I dream I'll just be scooter trash.

Jun 10, 2017

Armageddon Strikes

Look Out, Ronald!
Quizno said to the the Burger King,
"I'm bringing in the sub.
If the red headed clown, he lets us down
the fries will do the rub."
"Off with his head!" the Burger King said,
"Who needs him anyway?"
Quizno laughed, "I'll just take half
but I'll have it all someday."

Today's fast food delight has been brought to you by Wackemall Products, makers of BARRIDOG! Construction Barriers, BARAGOATS, BARRICOWS,  and coming back into production soon, BARRICATS! If you need to wack somebody you need a Wackemall.

Jun 9, 2017

Worse Than Terrorism?

Is terrorism the lowest form of life taking? While I cannot condone nor defend terrorism, terrorists kill for what they believe in (God and country) just like soldiers kill for what they believe in.
But what about the mercenary who kills for money? Is that not even lower? Or the faceless corporations whose actions take in Billions of Dollars each year while leaving the poor to die slow deaths of disease and starvation that could have easily been prevented had the perpetrators not been hiding behind corporate charters?

Are the innocent victims of mercenaries and corporations worth any less than the innocent victims of terrorists? And can we condone or excuse death in the name of the almighty God Dollar?

Jun 8, 2017

Bungle In The Jungle With The Belle Of Calumet Street

She was indeed the Belle of Calumet Street. At least, she was at the time. I met her through her younger brother with whom I rode motorcycles. You know, before either of us could afford Harleys.

While she didn't look a day over 15, she was the first woman I was ever with who was older than me. She was probably no more than 25 if that old, but I was yet to turn 20. Dating an "older woman" seemed exotic then, like a conquest or a prize.

Yes, I had a lot to learn.

She told me she didn't want to be that girl I only took out into the woods. I promised she wouldn't be then drove her to one of my favorite parking spots in the woods just off of McConnell Road.

Like most young men, I was a dog.

I'm guessing she wouldn't have given in so easily but the hottest new song on the radio then was Jethro Tull's Bungle In The Jungle and she'd never before heard it. I already knew every word by heart and in those days I could melt women with my singing voice.

What most people don't know and what we didn't know then, was that Bungle In The Jungle was actually a song about the American war machine, and not the love song Ian Anderson's chorus made it appear to be, having originally been written as part of the soundtrack for a black comedy that was never released.

Poor girl didn't have a chance. When the music started there was no resistance to my efforts to remove her jeans and halter top. I never had much going for me but when I was young I could sing the clothes off of any woman I could lure away from the rest of the world.

I'm paying for that now as Pulmonary Fibrosis has taken away not only my ability to sing but my ability to do many other things I once found easy. You know, Karma and all.

We were both living with our parents then so every time we got together we ended up parked somewhere testing the suspension on my pick-up. I always meant to take her out somewhere but it seemed to me at the time that she was happy with the way things were going.

But then 19 year old males aren't known for their excellent perceptiveness. At 61 I still need lessons in perceptiveness. Especially when it comes to the needs of women.

Our fling went on for months. Then one night we decided to park under the stars overlooking White Oak Lake, on the north side of the lake, there in the mill village. We talked for a while, listened to the radio, petted, smoked the last of the herb that either of us had, and finally Bungle In The Jungle came on the radio and I began to sing along.

She undressed me.

We were in our own little paradise by the dashboard lights when I heard the sound of  hard knocking against the driver's side window. I raised up to look but the windows were all so fogged up I couldn't see anything.

Using my right index finger I rubbed a little spot in the fog only to see a Greensboro Police Officer's badge-- just the badge-- staring right at the spot where I had rubbed. "Roll down the window," a man's voice ordered.

"All the way down," another man ordered. "Both windows. Now!"

We were completely surrounded by cops-- at least 5 car loads. With guns. They informed us that we were trespassing on private property belonging to Cone Mills and that no one was allowed there after dark. They said we could both be arrested.

After checking both our IDs, running us for warrants, and finding nothing outstanding, they told us they were going to let us go. "Thank you," she smiled, "can we put our clothes back on now?"

"Not yet," one of the officers said. "We're going to teach you a little lesson." He had an evil grin on his face. Both of us were expecting the worst, beatings, police violence, gang rape, kidnapping, forced prostitution , you name it, we thought it was going to happen. I've never felt so helpless as I was that night standing there naked with my naked girlfriend in front of more than 6 Greensboro Police officers so many years ago.

So what did they do?

They took our clothes. Then two of the police officers escorted us north on US 29 while every truck driver we passed looked down on my girlfriend (And me sometimes) waved and blew their horns until finally we came to a spot outside of the city limits where they gave us back our clothes and recommended we park outside of the city from then on.

And then they drove away.

I guess we were lucky it was nighttime.

And for some reason I couldn't perceive at the time, she started dating an older man.

Bungle In The Jungle
by Ian Anderson

Walking through forests of palm tree apartments
Scoff at the monkeys who live in their dark tents
Down by the waterhole
Drunk every Friday
Eating their nuts
Saving their raisins for Sunday.
Lions and tigers
Who wait in the shadows
They're fast but they're lazy, and sleep in green meadows

Let's bungle in the jungle
Well, that's all right by me
I'm a tiger when I want love
But I'm a snake if we disagree

Just say a word and the boys will be right there
With claws at your back to send a chill through the night air
Is it so frightening to have me at your shoulder?
Thunder and lightning couldn't be bolder
I'll write on your tombstone, I thank you for dinner
This game that we animals play is a winner

Let's bungle in the jungle
Well, that's all right by me
I'm a tiger when I want love
But I'm a snake if we disagree

The rivers are full of crocodile nastiest
And He who made kittens put snakes in the grass
He's a lover of life but a player of pawns
Yes, the King on His sunset lies waiting for dawn
To light up His Jungle as play is resumed
The monkeys seem willing to strike up the tune

Let's bungle in the jungle
Well, that's all right by me
I'm a tiger when I want love
But I'm a snake if we disagree

A Sappy Poem

When Mechanics Write Love Poems

I can't unbolt you, look under your hood,
fix all that is broken, tune what's still good.
Can't rebuild your carb, reset your jets,
advance your timing, get everything set.
Can't sand all your fenders, make everything smooth,
air up your tires and check they're not grooved,
paint you as if a fountain of youth.

So I guess I'll just drive you just as you are
hoping you'll forgive the reference to cars
for I'm just a mechanic-- a man of wrenches--
whose gone a bit crazy and lost all his senses.

The Garden I Never Grew

I made up my mind I wasn't going to grow a garden in 2017, The raised beds are filled with weeds. I never tilled the garden beds behind the raised beds, preferring instead to just raise my lawnmower and run it across them. But I had half a pack of left over Asparagus Bean Seeds left over from a failed attempt to grow them last year and there was nothing growing in these big pipes in front of my house that used to be US Army rocket launchers so I planted the seeds in there and the vines started growing, Where the Cantaloupe vines came from is anyone's guess. The tall stuff growing to the lower left is Oregano and Sage.

The Fennel growing in the kiddy pool behind the rocket launchers is a perennial that comes back each year. I know my containers are, how shall I put it? Different? But seriously, Folks, you can grow food in anything that will hold dirt. I've successfully grown tomatoes in an old cowboy boot on my porch and worn out motorcycle helmets as hanging baskets. Sometimes you have to use some out of the pot thinking.

The Oregano I moved some time ago as it had outgrown its previous containers. Maybe I should remove all the grass and replace it with Oregano?

Okay, so someone gave me a pack of Sage seeds from Seeds of Change last year. What was I suppose to do, let them rot? I still had racing tires filled with dirt and nothing growing in them.

I call this Renaissance Sedum. Really it's just Sedum  that I happened to place the Renaissance Community Co-op sign behind. If you happen to be living anywhere near east Greensboro you'll want to check out our community owned grocery store as anyone can shop there. By the way, this variety of Sedum is a perennial that is crunchy, good in salads, makes great pickles and attracts hordes of bees. Some people call it Bee Plant.

Hiding there behind the Yucca I mistakenly planted and still need to move is a Tomatillo that is already in bloom. After discovering my first Tomatillo plant in an abandoned old homestead in Brown's Summit 20 plus years ago on property that was about to be bulldozed to build a housing development, I dug it up, brought it home, and have been growing tasty Tomatillos from volunteer plants every year since. The Tomatillo plants you buy at the garden stores grow 3'-4' tall but I often stake or trellis mine to 9' or 10' and harvest dozens upon dozens of fruits from each plant. On the better years I give them away 5 gallons at a time.

I planted the Yucca thinking it was the edible Yuca instead of the ornamental inedible Yucca it really is. Anyone want some Yucca plants? I've got several.

Spearmint will grow everywhere except where you originally planted it. Take this Spearmint growing in my front yard. My mother planted it in the backyard 40 or 50 years ago and over the years it migrated from one place to the other. Sometimes she steeps it in Iced Tea.

There's lots more growing that I wasn't going to grow. Mother bought more plants than she could grow in her patio garden so there's Tomatoes, Peppers, Parsley, Cucumbers.... And the Lacy Mustard has already reseeded itself and started producing its fall crop all on its on. It appears, with a bit of planning I could get 3 or 4 Lacy Mustard crops a year if I were a mind to do so.

Around back there's Cantaloupes and Tomatoes growing profusely in my newest compost bin, built on what used to be the foundation of my old chicken coop. And like I said, the actual garden space doesn't have a thing in it except grass and weeds.

Jun 7, 2017

Journalism Today

Jay Gould, ruthless robber baron and railroad developer of the Gilded Age,was purported to have said, "I can always hire half the people to kill the other half."

Today's journalist have become that hired half, killing us with their propaganda.

Yes, it's a broad generalization but it holds true for far too many of what was once a respected tradition.

Jun 6, 2017

Hey Fool, You Park Where I Tell You To Park!

Greensboro, NC-- It's shocking but true! They're organized and lining the streets everywhere you look, entire cities are under siege and soon there will be no escaping these outlaws masquerading as law and order. And it's all because no one listened to their cries.

Roll On Sucka'

Life is unfair, tires aren't square,
they're round so they roll on and on
so unless you brought some change with you,
you'd best be rolling 'long.

This Poem a la Parking Meter was made possible by tired feet, the alternative to paying to park.

Get the latest Parking Meter Updates at Wackemall Network News. Or don't. With advertisers like tired feet, we'll go broke either way.

Jun 5, 2017

What You Need To Know About Picking A Safe Motorcycle Color

Recently I posted pictures of a red motorcycle and a black motorcycle to Facebook telling my friends I was considering a purchase and wondering which color they preferred. The majority picked red.

While I didn't ask why, several of those who picked red, told me it was out of concern for my safety. They believe a red motorcycle is more easily seen by other drivers.

Now having ridden motorcycles since 1974 and having owned red, white, blue, black, green, gray, and various two tone and even mural painted motorcycles, my own opinion was that the color of one's motorcycle makes no real difference in how visible you are to other traffic at night. And quite possibly, black motorcycles become the most visible in the daytime.

But that was just my opinion based on what my eyes were telling me. The truth was yet to be seen.

So I posted the following question to Facebook:

"I'd like some answers from real, experienced motorcyclists based on your many years of safe, and sometimes not so safe riding. In your opinion, does the color of your motorcycle make your motorcycle any safer and if yes, which colors are the safest?"

A friend, Paul, with whom I sometimes ride and who has been riding motorcycles even longer than I've been riding, had the following to say:

"Most bikes are either pulled out in front of or hit from behind while stopped. Both are when the least amount of machine can be seen."
I didn't reply to anyone's comments as I didn't want to influence the conversation.

A couple of friends suggested yellow as being the most visible.

So I decided to see if I could find out if there has ever been any scientific studies done on motorcycle colors and crashes and here's what I found.


The link above allows you to read the entire study from which the conclusion was taken.

"Consequently, we draw a conclusion based on the results of the present study that no vehicle color was found to be statistically significant."
Still, it seems to me that black vehicles of all kinds tend to stand out more in daytime traffic. Is it just me?

I decided to do more research while I waited on the results of my informal and unscientific poll. In this study I found:

"A high level of color contrast enhanced the visibility of motorcycles when they appeared in front of the participants."
Now you tell me, what color contrasts the natural daytime environment more than black?
Motorcyclists have long held the suspicion that green motorcycles are bad luck and when you take a look around North Carolina and most of the World's rural areas in the Spring and Summer, everything is green.

And in our suburban and urban environments? Red brick everywhere you look.

This other study I found via an article in The Guardian titled, Why cycling in high-vis may be not as safe as you think, had the following to say:

That's right, Black is back, Baby!
"Similar to the results of experiment 1, in urban environments the reflective and white clothing provided an advantage to the detection of the PTW, while in the inter-urban environment the black outfit presented an advantage."
Well, black is back except when it's not. There's a lizard living 'round these parts called a Carolina Anole-- ever seen one? I saw one just 2 weeks ago sitting atop a fence post. They use color to become invisible, counting on a lack of contrast to do their magic. Like a Chameleon the Anolis carolinensis can change its color to hide itself from predators and prey alike.

Ever notice the Military uses different color camouflage for different locations? Being seen, just like being invisible, is a riding style, a skill that riders learn over time, and assuming colors alone will increase your safety is a good way to get yourself killed.

The real trick to staying alive on a motorcycle is to make your motorcycle appear to be bigger and faster moving than it actually is.

Remember: the key word is appear. You achieve that appearance of big and fast through lighting and driving style-- not by going faster.

Of course, big motorcycles, being an illusion, can be difficult to achieve. And no one can do it 100% of the time.

The Motorcycle Safety Foundation cites a study saying:

"The color of and equipment on a motorcycle can play a significant conspicuity role."

But nowhere do they say which color. Wonder why that is?

Many years ago I painted an old Jeep in what I called Urban Camouflage. It was basically a standard military camo pattern using neon colors rather than the usual drab colors. Everyone who looked at it said the same thing, "They're going to see you coming a mile away."

Less than 500 miles after having done a full off-the-frame restoration, a woman in an Oldsmobile turned left, clipped the corner of my Jeep, and sent me, Jeep, and all, tumbling down the road. Years later I would learn about Dazzle camouflage as was used by the American and British Navy in World War I, not as camouflage but to confuse range and distance so that enemy gunners, who, prior to the invention of modern Rangefinders, estimated distance with their eyes. From Wikipedia:

"The American data were analysed by Harold Van Buskirk in 1919. About 1,256 ships were painted in dazzle between 1 March 1918 and the end of the war on 11 November that year. Among American merchantmen 2,500 tons and over, 78 uncamouflaged ships were sunk, and only 18 camouflaged ships; out of these 18, 11 were sunk by torpedoes, 4 in collisions and 3 by mines. No US Navy ships (all camouflaged) were sunk in the period."

Wish I'd had Wikipedia back then before I painted my Jeep. The woman driving the Oldsmobile saw me but thought I was much farther away than I really was. Even in a steel topped Jeep I ended up with lots of stitches to the top of my head. When the Jeep bounced on it's top the top collapsed into my head. Hitting her boat of a car on my bike would have probably killed me.

That's not to say that color has no roll in motorcycle safety. It does. But I think my friend Paul summed it up best and the studies seem to support:

"Most bikes are either pulled out in front of or hit from behind while stopped. Both are when the least amount of machine can be seen."

The Motorcycle Safety Foundation also says:

"Motorcycles equipped with additional frontal bodywork (fairings which protect the rider from wind and weather) were found to be under-represented in crashes where motorists violated the motorcyclist’s right-of-way. The larger the fairing and the brighter the color, the more effective it seemed to be in preventing other vehicles’ right-of-way violations (Hurt, 1981)."

But again, they don't tell us what colors are best. Me, I still believe the highest amount of contrast provides the greatest amount of safety. And depending on time of day, lighting, and weather conditions the color with the highest amount of contrast could be almost any color.

So I'm thinking go ahead and pick any color that trips your trigger. Whatever spins your back tire. If there were any conclusive evidence that one color makes motorcycles more visible in all situations, you can be certain big brother would mandate that all new motorcycles be painted that color-- no exceptions. Just remember the words of Sheriff Andy Taylor, AKA Andy Griffith, who said, "Barney, act like you got good sense."

And ride safe.

Photo credit: Robert Michniewicz (edited by Ark) - made by Robert Michniewicz and Wikipedia.

The Cycle of Life

Any business that blames the changing tastes of a new generation for the downfall of its business only needs to be made to remember it was the change in taste of the generations before that made that business what it once was. Businesses must die and be reborn just like people.

Lookout Pass

According to Wikipedia:

"Lookout Pass is a mountain pass in the Rocky Mountains of the northwestern United States. In the Coeur d'Alene Mountains of the Bitterroot Range, the pass is on the border between Idaho and Montana, traversed by Interstate 90 at an elevation of 4,710 feet (1,436 m) above sea level.

Lookout Pass is the eastern border of northern Idaho's Silver Valley, and has the distinction of being "Exit 0" on Interstate 90 in Montana. Lookout Pass Ski and Recreation Area is on the eastbound side of the highway, straddling the border. The state border line is the ridge line of the mountains and at the pass runs briefly east-west, with Idaho on the north side and Montana the south.

The pass separates the communities of Mullan in Shoshone County, Idaho, and Saltese in Mineral County, Montana. It is the highest point on Interstate 90 between Seattle and Missoula. The pass is also a time zone border, with northern Idaho on Pacific Time and Montana on Mountain Time."

Now a lot of you might think 4,710 feet not too formidable when compared to many other Rocky Mountain passes. Hey, we've got taller mountains back east here. But don't be fooled, in the dead of winter, packed with snow and ice, and after the sun goes down, Lookout Pass can and does kill truck drivers.

It was 1979, I had loaded out of the old Port of Seattle, the one where the loading docks were under the highway bridges, forcing drivers to back past the giant concrete posts that held the bridges up to get to the loading docks. Later the port facilities would move to Kent, Washington. As it was my first trip there my dispatcher to me to hire a lumper to load my trailer, count my load, sign the paperwork, then stand there on the dock with my gun and guard the load.

You see, the old port was just a big loading dock with an awning overhead, no walls, no fences, no security, and nothing to stop criminals from running in off the street and stealing anything they wanted. And steal they did, any load whose driver walked away from it.

Not wanting to pay for imported toasters, transistor radios, and irons I didn't get to keep I stood by my load my gun in my belt and one hand on my gun the entire time.

My first mistake was deciding to take the shortest and most northern route in the dead of winter.

The snow shed was removed from Snoqualmie Pass in 2014 but it was still there in 1979. Folks back east here have a hard time imagining snow so deep that tunnels must be built over highways to protect the traveling public from avalanches. Prior to 1979 I didn't believe it either. Snoqualmie Pass averages over 400 inches of snowfall per year. That's over 33 feet.

At 3,015 feet, Snoqualmie Pass is one of 3 east-west passes in Washington that remain open year 'round except for brief periods to necessitate snow removal.

It was very late in the day when I got to the base of Lookout Pass in eastern Idaho. I had been told it was possible to rent tire chains as chains were required by law to cross the snow covered mountain but no one was renting chains that I could find.

An Idaho State Trooper was stationed at the chain up area at the base of the mountain. No trucks went up the hill without chains. I waited hoping the mythical chain rental guy would show up.

After the sun went down the Trooper left. End of his shift maybe? Got an emergency call elsewhere? I don't know, he just turned around and headed back into the interior of Idaho.

Tired of waiting and inexperienced enough to try it, I drove my tractor trailer to the top of the mountain in the darkness where the last 3 or 4 trucks ahead of me were moving their tire chains from their tractor tires to their trailer tires. As I stopped my rig one of the drivers, a middle aged guy driving for Consolidated Freightways, walked up to me and asked, "Need any help moving your chains?"

"Thanks," I said, "but I don't have any chains."

"How in the hell did you get up here?" he asked.

"Truck pulls itself," I answered.

"Well you can't go down this mountain without chains," he said, "you'll kill yourself."

"Where's the nearest place I can get off the road?" I asked.

"Truck stop at the bottom of the mountain," he answered.

"When does the snow melt?" I asked.

"About 3 more months," he replied.

"Well I'll starve to death before then," I said. "I've got no choice but to drive down the mountain."

He was speechless...

"Tell you what," I said, "Are you going to be stopping at the truck stop?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Well I'll give you and the others about a 15 minute head start so I don't run over any of you, and when you get to the truck stop, if you don't see me come rolling in after a while then call the highway patrol and tell 'em I didn't make it."

"Good luck," was all he said.

As they were driving away talking on their CB radios about a young driver on a suicide mission-- and it was a suicide mission-- I aimed to spotlights on the corners of my cab at my trailer tires. That way, should either of them start to slide I could see them in the mirrors as quickly as possible and back off the brakes just enough to get them rolling again. You see, it is sliding wheels that jackknife, not rolling wheels. And way back when, ABS was not yet a thing.

I literally crawled down Lookout Pass. Would I recommend you do what I did? No. Did I ever pull that stunt again? Hell no! Inexperienced drivers do things they shouldn't do. The smart ones don't do the same mistake twice.

When I got to the truck stop the CF driver and his buddies were all seated at the closest table to the door waiting for me to walk in. "I was just about to call the highway patrol," he said.

"I almost needed them," I smiled.

They bought me coffee and told me stories of the many years they had traversed the Rockys in the dead of winter.

And to this day I've yet to see that mythical chain rental guy.

Jun 3, 2017

As Your Brothers Fall Around You

The Cut

When the patches become targets
for others to attack
and the twisting of the throttle
can never take you back--
your world falls down around you
and you only want to ride
the day will come when you'll be done
and then you will decide...

Jun 2, 2017

Illicit Drugs Found In Fast Food?

Laredo, Texas-- The border wall may be stopping illegal immigration but journalists for Wackemall Network News have learned that smugglers with aid from the Central Intelligence Agency are running a drugs for guns exchange beneath the wall, designed to help launch a major offensive in the Fast Food War.

What we don't know is where they plan to strike.

Trump This!

The Subway ran through Mexico,
underneath the border wall
trafficking guacamole
to be consumed by all.

Headed south they hauled butt back--
Sonic Blasters by the cases--
stocking up and training hard
to put it in our faces.

Jun 1, 2017

Definition of Schadenfreude

Schadenfreude (/ˈʃɑːdənfrɔɪdə/;)

While commonly defined as a feeling of joy that comes from watching others suffer, Schadenfreude is the emotion that propels humans to seek out and punish those who do wrong or break the law. Without at least some Schadenfreude there would be no human desire to enforce laws or punish offenders. Right or wrong, Schadenfreude is an integral part of law and order.

Schadenfreude, when allowed in excess, is destructive to individuals and society as a whole.

To attempt to operate government or society without at least some degree of Schadenfreude inevitably leads to Ineptocracy and a complete breakdown of society. 

A New Playa' In The Fast Food Wars

New York, NY-- The cast of bad actors never seems to stop coming into my horrid coverage of the Fast Food Wars. Even state side the bad guys appear to be everywhere and we here at the Wackemall News Network will follow them to the ends of the earth into the restaurant to point them out.

McCruncher Comes To Town

McCruncher walked up to the bar,
a tall one he poured down.
Said, "Forget the fat, my patty's flat
and about this big around.
I know you think I'm bragging
so I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll drag the fish fillet in back
and make her scream, it's true.

Nobody dared to stop him
as he dragged her to the back.
Not even one would stop his fun
all scared he might attack.
From in the back we heard her screams
as she pleaded, "Let me be!"
And when he left a tartered mess
was all she'd ever be.

Fast Food Delights are neither supported by or connected with McDonald's or any other fast food restaurant and are in-fact a parody Fast Food War dispatch by Billy Jones. McCruncher is a trademark of McDonald's and may or may not be a real actor.