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Showing posts from May, 2017

Two Eagles Talking

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"You know they are still arguing and fighting over the last election."

"They never stopped fighting over the election before that one. Or the one before."

"They never do."

"Why do you think that is?"

"They seem to think elections can change things for the better."

"Well if that were true then they'd not be fighting over the last election."

"Exactly."




Get the best of Two Eagles Talking right here at Wackemall.com. I mean, where else can you get a bird brain's best advice for free?

Photo credit: Eagle Totem, 'cause I couldn't do better on my own.

Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 21

I found 25 Documentaries Everybody Should Watch
and 25 Documentaries Everybody Should Watch Pt. 2.
But didn't watch any of them.

It was a high existence.
Google it if you want to find it.
This isn't a real lost and found.

I saw Europe’s Top 25 Castles.
The Most Instagrammable Breakfasts in Australia.
And Ineptocracy.  Lots of Ineptocrasy.

There were 10 places to move abroad and expend your life.
Or maybe that was extend your life.
At my age I doubt moving will make any difference.

I found the World’s Most Amazing Bridges,
but some of them didn't seem so amazing
back when I was driving across them in heavy traffic.

I passed by the 27 Club. It's 60 members include
Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison and Amy Winehouse.
You don't want to join.


Please continue reading Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 22

Someday

Run For The Border

Turn that screw and pass that wrench
or she'll not move another inch.
Fill the tank and lube the chain,
no one cares if you get stained.
The time has come, it's time to ride
so get 'er done, it's side by side
down the highway we'll soon go
all the way to Mexico.

Why Ground Breakings Use Gold Shovels

Wherever there is even the smallest pile of money someone is scheming for a shovel.

Wackemall Oh Seven

"So why were those men attacking us?" she asked, the two of them having just narrowly escaped with their lives.

"I work for Wackemall," he replied.

"So you're a spy?" she excitedly asked. "I knew there was something exotic about you."

"Not nearly as exotic as you, my Dear." He always knew the right words to say to steer the conversation in the direction he wanted it to go. "Let's say you and I get the wackemall out of here before they find us?"

"Anything you say, Wackemall Oh Seven. You're the professional. I'm just the wanton damsel in distress."

Low Down No Count No Space Parking Lot Blues

That's right, while most of America enjoys the Memorial Day weekend the parking problems simply move from our cities to our recreational areas while everyone in the nation ignores the fact that if every car and truck in America were to be parked all at once the streets and highways would be forever blocked with parked cars and trucks. And with that I bring you today's installment of Poems By Parking Meters.

Parkin' Meter Blues


Parking meters everywhere
but not a slot for you.
You ride 'n ride from side to side
you got the parkin' meter blues.
Had you given yourself more time
you could have beat the bunch
but as the parking meters stand
you'll be ridin' until lunch.

And you forgot to bring any change.

When You Spend Your Life In Hiding

Another Undisclosed Location-- Yep, I've forgotten where I am. Again. I'm lucky I found my way back to the Internet, if I'm lucky I can figure out where I'm at. If I'm even luckier I can find my way home.

Someday.

Fighting for a cause, be it telling the story or pulling the trigger of a Kids Pack or a Sonic Blast (I've done both.) you soon come to understand there is no meaning to war-- especially wars no one has ever heard of. You know, wars with no meaning.

War is hell-- the Fast Food War is best served rare, but hell just the same. It's also served best with lots of worn out platitudes, puns, rhymes, clich├ęs, and... Well you know, anything to spice it up. Here at the Wackemall News Network (or is it Wackemall Network News? I can never remember who I'm working for these days,) we tell the stories no one else will tell in ways no one else will tell them. Like adventurers in fast food espionage...


The Hamburgler Blows His Cover

"I'm hungry,"…

I Can't Keep Doing This

Undisclosed Location-- Reporting on the Fast Food Wars for the Wackemall News Network is a lousy job. For starters, the pay sucks and the hours... Used to be the hours were okay but now that everyone is open late night and early for breakfast, there's no time the war isn't in full swing. If they're not serving up burger bombs they're busy cleaning up the grease and taking out the trash.

Then there's the fact that no matter how bad the war gets, no one believes it's real. That is, except for those who were deep fried and they ain't talking. There's not a day goes by that I don't tell myself I should get a job flipping burgers somewhere. Problem is, who will tell the story if I don't?

I can't keep doing this but I can't quit.

Have It Your Way

Undisclosed locations,
grease to make you puke.
Then they make you wear
those silly looking suits.
No wonder no one's happy
while machines take all our jobs
while a red headed clown and kinky king

Bumper Humpers

When driving my car, tailgaters don't bother me. I think of them as insulation between me and the faster moving vehicles behind the tailgaters. Concentrate on not being a bumper humper and all will be fine.

Politicans To Wear Body Cameras

Raleigh, North Carolina-- Amid the ongoing controversy concerning the City of Greensboro's failure to release police body camera footage of the July 4, 2016 arrest of Jose Charles for which charges of assaulting a police officer were eventually dropped, State Senator Trudy Wade has introduced a bill, that, if passed, would require city council members and county commissioners across the state to wear body cameras at all times.

Exceptions are made for restrooms and showers.

According to Republican Senator Wade, "We've got to do something to clean up corruption at the local level and as much as I hate to do it, these people have to be made to understand that fattening their own wallets is costing the State of North Carolina a lot of money. The State is forced to pick up the tab when municipal leaders squander taxpayer dollars."

The bill is expected to pass the House if it makes its way through the Senate. Democratic Representative Pricey Harrison replied, "Somethi…

When The Last Bolt Is Turned

Pay Off

We labored long 'neath blazing sun
'till finally, the bike is done.
And though I'm weary, almost undone,
tomorrow I'll have lots of fun...
On two wheels.

Oversexed Parking Meters

I donno, maybe she really likes me but when someone comes on so quickly in the first few seconds of our first meeting one can't help but think her behavior risky to say the least. I mean, if I were twenty one instead of fifty one I might have took her up on her offer but age has taught me that no matter how hot the meter the woman inside might not be exactly what she seems to be. Yeah, later tonight I'll probably regret turning her down but at the time I simply thought it best I move along.


Horny Parking Meter

Hey there, Big Boy,
let's have some fun.
Put it in my slot
and I'll make you come...

running back to give me some more.

Today's Parking Meter Poem was made possible by... Yeah, right! Over ten years I've been writing this crap and no one has sponsored me yet.

When A Brother Goes Down The Last Time

Brain Dead

Tired of struggling to survive,
tired of hoping for a guide,
no more, he thinks of suicide
his time is up, he up and died.
And his steel steed waits faithful, alone.



Written for a friend...

Not The Muffet You Remember

Little Miss Muffet Revisited

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet eating her cherry pie. Along came a spider, sat down beside her, and looked her in the eye.
He said, "Little Miss Muffet, there on your tuffet, it's you I'd like to try. You know we'd have fun, you know I'm the one to make Miss Muffet sigh.
Little Miss Muffet still sets on her tuffet, a hoping he'll come by. She knows he's a spider, but she'd let him bite her. There's nothing she won't try...
There's nothing she won't try... There's nothing she won't try...

Smokehouse Turkey Never Showed His Tuscan Face

Undisclosed location somewhere in North America-- The world was rocked today when journalists working for Wackemall Network News were again forced to take part in the Fast Food War just to stay alive.


Operation Dough-Nation

Panera, she was rockin'
swinging 'round and 'round the pole;
Hot Panini, they were grooving
playing R&B and Soul,
but there behind bright lights
hid by curtains in the back
the Bagels and Panera Kids
were planning their attack.

The Burger King was seated
in the balcony up top
with Ronald sitting next to him
bored and staring at his watch.
Crispanis waited right outside
they know just what to do:
blow up all the exits
when Panera sang their cue.

It was a big fandango,
yes, everyone was there--
Caesar, the Greek, and Espresso--
they'd not care.
They knew Panera, she would fall
when the Crispanis made it blow.
"Collateral damage," Caesar said,
"let's just enjoy the show."

I waited with a salad,
Fuji Apple was her name.
It migh…

Happens To Me Every Few Years

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Someone should publish a map of those portals before everyone gets lost.

Throwing Out Capitalism With The Bath Water

I was taught Capitalism by old men who understood that Capitalism worked best when the most people benefited from Capitalism.
Everyone, left, right and center, seems to have lost sight of that. What is called Capitalism today isn't Capitalism. So they all propose doing away with Capitalism-- the only system that ever worked at all. Even if for only a short while.
Think about it.

Devil's Tower Medallion Coin

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I found this Devil's Tower Medalion Coin while working in my own yard the other day. Funny thing is, while I've been close, no one in my family has ever been to Devil's Tower, and no one in my family remembered the coin. It's made of gold or is gold plated, and approximately the same size and weight as my 1922 Liberty Silver Dollar.

And it is now in the safe deposit box.


In the hopes of making it easier to view I included a second photo of the front below.

Click on any image to enlarge.

Devil's Tower, also known as Bear Lodge Butte, located in the Black Hills in Wyoming, was the first national monument, declared as such in 1906 by President Theodore Roosevelt.

Numerous  coins and medallions have been minted and are sold online and offline to comate the event but despite extensive searches I was unable to find another coin like this one.

If you know the origin of these coins I'd love to know more about them and their worth. Most such coins sell for $9 to $18 new…

The Other Side

A million miles of wasted time
spent upon each bitter rhyme
will not erase the yesterdays
spent in search of better ways.
But come tomorrow, two wheels will turn
and all will be of no concern
as to horizons we do ride
to see what's on the other side.

The Bees Are Back!

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The bees came back to my gardens this year. This is how I did it. I gave up on growing grass.

Instead I covered my yard in this purple, Crimson Clover. The bees just love it. And the clovers pull Nitrogen from the air and put it in the soil, renewing the soil as they grow. My Hamsters love clover.




And Chicory which will be full of pretty blue flowers in just a few weeks. Chicory is both a salad vegetable and a coffee substitute. In Britain it is sold by McCormick Spices UK under the brand name, Camp Coffee. Chicory also has numerous medicinal uses.




Butterflies, Hummingbirds and Finches like Chicory as well.

In a couple of months this Spearmint will be covered in tall white blooms. As one kind of bloom dies off another kind of bloom takes its place. Earlier in the year it was rows and rows of Iris, Day Lillys, and dozens of kinds of tiny bulbs whose names I can't remember. You probably can't see it in the photos but tiny Sweet Pea blooms grow tucked back in the corners. I know …

Happy Mother's Day!

Dinner for Mom
Dress her up and take her out in that dress you never bought her. Take her to the restaurant where she waits like cows to slaughter. Fill her full of fatty foods, Bad Cholesterol ; enough to cause a heart attack, then load her back into the car, and quickly take her back...
to the home...

Poetry You Can Eat

Undisclosed Location-- Today the Fast Food War makes an unexpected turn when our Wackemall Network News embedded journalist becomes an unwilling participant in the war to end all wars.



Jelly On The Telly

Peanut Butter said to me,
"I'd like to cream with Jelly,"
as we watched her move across the screen
our eyes fixed to the telly.
But how was I to ever know,
Peanut Butter, he'd soon go
spread her 'round on virgin ground
even though she'd told him, "No!"

So now I'm walking Peanut's trail,
butter off I'd probably be
if I'd just looked the other way,
never telling what I'd see.
For rogues like him, they come and go,
and you know they'll always be
peanuts plotting jellies' melt
as they watch from their TVs.

What can I say? Sometimes you just have to get out of the trenches, take a break... Besides, name a faster food than peanut butter and jelly.

Hey, You're Not So Smart

Looking smart is all about knowing who to call. And believe me, I know who to call to make me look smart.

Two Eagles Talking

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"You know they believe in something called evolution."

"Evolution, what's evolution?"

"Humans think they evolved from monkeys, that they used to be monkeys."

"Why that's just silly, humans are still monkeys, right?"

"Look like monkeys to me."

Jumping Off The Tower Of Babel

1984, the book, not the year, comes to mind. Nothing is used in the proper context anymore. Liberals are anyone the status quo hates, free market conservatives are really supporting Fascists but don't know it. Fascists are anyone who doesn't agree with liberals, Anti-Fascists are really Anarchists who don't really understand that it was Anarchy from which our current systems of government were made necessary, and who don't understand their plans would return us to the stone age, which is probably going to happen anyway because no one understands the language anymore.

Going Down On Fast Food

Undisclosed Location-- Just when you thought the Fast Food Wars couldn't get any worse, reporters embedded for Wackemall Network News reveal the seedy and shady backside of sexual torture that goes into every bite you put into your mouths.


Fast Food Bondage

"It's been a while," she said with a smile
as the Burger King came our way,
"I hope he isn't mad with me
for leaving him that way."

"Mrs. Winners," smiled the Burger King,
"I'm glad you're back in town.
Guards, arrest these traitors!
To the dungeons have them bound!"

And though we struggled best we could,
the fries, they pulled us down,
whipped us, beat us, had their way
and shoved us to the ground.

Shackled hard to onion rings,
they tried to make us talk
and when they fluffed her biscuits
Misses Winners only balked,

"I'll never talk, I'll never tell!
You'll never know who did it!"
But the Big Cheese only laughed,
"You'll be deep fried in a min…

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back In The Restaurant

Undisclosed Location-- Wackemall Network News brings you the latest updates from reporters embedded somewhere in the Fast Food War. Those with young children or persons who are easily disturbed might want to stop viewing now. It doesn't get much worse than this.


Mean Cuisine

We made our way to see the King.
Bojangles led the way.
The Colonel, he stood watching--
just why he wouldn't say.
Mean cuisine were everywhere
to taunt us as we go,
and when we went before the King,
our names he didn't know.

"Off with their heads!"
he shouted loud
so all his court could hear!
The mean cuisine surrounded us
to fill our hearts with fear,
but out of nowhere Popeye came,
spinach in his hand!
Soon mean cuisine lay wasted there;
beat to death with a tin can.

Ah yes, more fast food poetry to feel you up and fill you out. What evil lurks in the hearts of men? The French Fry knows.

No Weapons Allowed

So my brother walks into the Surgery Center in High Point this morning and says to the receptionist, "Y'all can't do surgery in here."
With a puzzled look the receptionist asks, "Why not?"
My brother answers, " 'Cause the sign on the door says 'no weapons allowed'."
Wait, it gets better....
So my sister-in-law, herself a medical receptionist as well, asks the surgeon a few minutes later, "How are you going to go about doing the surgery?"
The surgeon replies, "Oh, I donno, I guess I'll go read up on it, maybe watch a few YouTube videos then just do the best I can."
My brother is resting comfortably at home now. Hopefully he won't read this until after he recovers. Wouldn't want to bust his stiches and reinjure his hernia.

Ferry

Today I rode the winding road,
past fields and farms alike.
Took in the smells, absorbed the trails
'neath the rumble of my bike.
I watched the birds, the cows in herds
and chickens near their roosts
knowing well, no tale to tell
of when I was seduced.

But seduced I've been again and again
by the feel of speeding air
and thoughts and dreams of what it means
to go get lost somewhere.
And though I dream of many things,
the dream I dream the most
is riding on to roads unknown
beyond some distant coast.

Nap time...

Definition of Ineptocracy

Ineptocracy(in-ep-toc’-ra-cy) - a system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers.


Via John Tasker

Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 20

I discovered there are more astronauts
than Foley artists
but you can't see Foley artists when they're working.

There is a powerful secret weapon
knows as Micellar water.
But apparently it's only known to French women and makeup artists?

A 4,000 year old funerary garden was discovered in Egypt.
No vegetables were found but someone left a bowl of dates.
Guess raised beds aren't so new.

I discovered Shan Hai Guan.
Where the great wall of China meets the sea.
right beside an abandoned subway beneath New York.

I found women with nude lips,
cool and awesome nature photos of incredible places,
and some things I wish I'd not seen.

I learned how to make potato chips in the microwave,
the lost 4th verse from Carly Simon's 'You're So Vain' ,
and why I'll never make a living as an Internet poet.

But then I knew that all along.



Please continue reading Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 21

Hurricane 750

My body tossed
and the winds did blow
and when it stopped
no one could know.

First to the left
then to the right
I feared control
not held upright.

And when it stopped,
my muscles tried,
I dreamed of another
motorcycle ride.



In memory of the glory days of British motorcycles.

Two Eagles Talking

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"You know, humans have this thing called religion, they'll kill or die for."

"Really, this religion must really taste good."

"Well that's the thing, you can't eat it."

"You can't eat it?"

"No, and you can't see it."

"Does religion eat them?"

"I guess so, why else would you kill something you can't eat?"

"Well in that case I hope eagles never get religion."

"Yea, me too."


Get the best of Two Eagles Talking right here at Wackemall.com. I mean, where else can you get bird brained humor without the feathers?

Photo credit: Eagle Totem, Like I have a clue who that is...

One Size Fits All

When it comes to transparency, one size really does fit all. No alterations necessary.

Investment Advice From Parking Meters?

Los Angeles, CA-- I got an insider investment tip from a parking meter today and thought I would share.

How To Make The Big Bucks

Like any parking meter will tell you,
the cash is in the tips
but change is where it all adds up
to make accountants flip.
Invest in parking meters
We promise you'll do great.
We work the longest hours
and never are we late.

Don't believe me? Then answer me this: Why Does Abu Dhabi Own All of Chicago's Parking Meters? And why weren't the rest of us let in on the deal?

Do You Dare Stand Up To Them?

Chair Thieves

The chair thieves come,
“Is anyone sitting here?” they ask
as they carry another away.
I want to answer yes,
but no one is there.

I could say I’m expecting friends
but what if they don’t show?
I’m hoping you will be here soon
but really, I don’t know.
I guess it doesn’t matter now,
the deed’s already done.
I’m sitting all alone again;
again, the chair thieves come.

And again the chair thieves come.

Yard Bird

The following is a true story from the daze of my youth. The names have been changed to protect the guilty and should anyone ever file a warrant I’ll swear on a stack of Bibles that it is in-fact a work of fiction.

If you’re not from the Southland you probably don’t know what a Yard Bird is. Oh yeah, there was that great British blues band, the Yard Birds, that guitar legend, Eric Clapton was once a member of, but that’s not the kind of yard bird I’m talking about.

Rural residents-- as well as the occasional city dweller in areas all over the Southland-- kept domestic Yard Birds (You probably call ‘em chickens.) in their yards, allowing them to run free anytime they felt the urge to run, long before any of us Southerners ever heard of ‘Free Range Chicken.’ Of course, Yard Birds-- or chicken-- are natural homebodies so going more than a few hundred yards from where they are regularly fed is completely foreign to their way of thinking. Their way of thinking is also what made them availa…

Airborne

Today we fly past years gone by,
we pilots on two wheels,
destined to a distant star
where life is all we feel.
A rag-tag group, albeit aloof,
we only, know the way
to where we go, one cannot know,
except to fly away.

The State Of The Nation

Quarter 'Til Nine
It's a quarter 'til nine and I'm waiting in line
while sitting behind my computer.
Waiting to watch the World pass by
while others are trying to loot her.
I've right much to do between now and two
but nothing I do will be done
while keeping my eye on clouds in the sky
and dreaming of laughter and fun.

Solar Powered Bun Warmer

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Not those kinds of buns, you naughty girls-- hamburger buns. Om warm days we hang our buns in the sun in the morning and they're warm by lunch time.

On days when it is slightly cooler we place them on the dash or rear shelf of the car. Again, by lunch time the bread is warm and the cost was nothing more than a walk outdoors.

Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 19

I found Goop
but it was covered in Gucci.
And who wants that on your Nerd's Magazines?

I found 18 Life Skills Every Person Should Know,
and 50 Life Secrets and Tips,
but no mention of chocolate ice cream? Seriously?

Wingnut bracelets, porn parodies, and
13 Lists That Will Make Your Life So Much Better.
Funny, I still feel the same.

There were 40 travel websites that can save you a fortune,
but if you want to save even more
then why not just stay at home?

I passed a blonde with a kinky smile
on the road to the Slightly Warped Website
and the 34 best Tin Foil recipes.

You know, just in case you have a hankering for a taste of aluminum.

Oh, and Mark Twain never had to deal with student loans...


Please continue reading Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 20

How To Rid Your Yard Of Moles Organically ?

I wouldn't mind the mole tunnels so much were it not for the gaping holes dug by the cats, dogs, foxes, weasels, coyotes and other predators who come to my yard at night to dig the moles up. Apparently predators apparently find them quite tasty even though the English paleontologist and Dean of Westminster, William Buckland described the taste of mole as vile.

But organic pest controls, like non organic pest controls, has their own set of problems. And the holes left by the predators are much more dangerous a trip hazard than the mole tunnels. I'm always most careful when I venture into the yard first thing in the morning.

As for the moles: I can't imagine actually making any effort to get rid of them altogether. While moles do prefer to eat beneficial earthworms they also dine on leeches, slugs, grubs and other not so beneficial invertebrates. And any chemical treatment that kills moles will kill your earthworms as well.

The best thing you can do is keep smashing down the…

Good Thing I Didn't Ask For Two

One
One word, one thought, one deed.
One sign, one night, I plead!
Or not...

Puffed Hamster Snacks?

So I decided I wanted a snack and got some puffed wheat cereal to munch on. Milk has been bothering my stomach of late so I decided to eat it dry. As I was walking past my hamsters I thought, They've never had puffed wheat before-- why don't I give the girls a little treat?
Now it's probably not a good idea to feed sugar coated cereals to hamsters but just once won't hurt. So I dropped a few pieces into their tank. Just 3 or 4 pieces.
They immediately started fighting over it! Even before either one of them tasted it, my two little dwarf hamsters, who in all the months I have had them have never before quarreled about anything, started wrestling the puffed wheat from each others' tiny paws, gobbling it down as fast as they could.
Then when the puffed wheat was all gone they curled up together and went back to sleep.
Though probably not for long. I figure when that sugar kicks in they'll be burning up that wheel.

Their next treat will be something they eat from the y…

Crossing Journalistic Lines

I was only supposed to report what I saw-- no more. But wars have a way of getting under your skin, pushing you to do things you'd never imagine. And the Fast Food War was no different. Besides, as far as the clown was concerned, we are all potential victims customers.

If you weren't there, then you have no right to judge me. The following is what Ronald doesn't want you to know.


In The Closet Delights
Jack In The Box refused to pop,
Ronald only shook his head.
"Jack, I paid you, do the job
or I'll make sure you're dead."

But the red headed clown, his smile a frown
just couldn't get Jack to blow it
so now old Ronald counts his friends
and wonders if they know it.

Is the clown really a switch hitter? And what about Jack In The Box, does he spring both ways too? Who would have ever guessed? And what of the scandal should Ronald's friends find out? Could this be used against the clown in the Fast Food War and bring about the death of the world's l…

Some Things Words Can't Fix

I Dreamed You Were Crying

I dreamed you were crying,
beyond my reach.
I couldn't reach out to you,
no grandiose speech.
My words couldn't help you,
my arms couldn't hold you.
I just couldn't fix it....