Showing posts from April, 2017

Free Moving Boxes

Must take all!
Found on Craigslist Greensboro

Birth Of An Internet Poet

Welcome to Greensboro, North Carolina.
'Twas when I came to share a poem
a policeman said to me,
"You can't do that, it's again the law.
I'll arrest you, wait and see."
And so it was from this result
of minstrel and bards banned
that I came upon the Internet
to rhyme across the land.

Oak Rounds Stepping Stones, And Sawmills

We're nearing completing of the Wackemall Media, Mining, Manufacturing, Farming & Transportation...  sawmill. The first photo shows
 the side the saw dust will be ejected on.

The second photo shows the skidway where the logs are rolled up to the mill. The aluminum pieces that connect the skidway to the mill simply slide out of the way to allow the operator access to the machine.

While currently we have only the capacity to saw 8' to 9' logs, we built the bed big enough to accommodate 16'. In the very near future we will add more rails to the bed. The overall length of the
 bed is 20 feet.

As is, the mill will saw logs up to 21" in diameter but there are ways we can cut larger logs down to fit them on the mill. Frankly, there's not a lot of large timber locally and being we're both retired old men we're not really that interested in big timber unless it is something really special.

Here's another shot of the aluminum bridges that
span the dista…

Simple Kneads, Simple Wars

The Assassination Of Donatos

Donatos fell into the rut
out back of the Pizza Hut.
Subs and saucy saucers weren't enough
to save his dying butt.
Pizza by mail could not assail
the burgers or the King
and all soon knew his days were through
when the clown began to sing.

And Simple Kneads could not be filled

That's right, the Fast Food Wars have come to town and the main stream media can no longer ignore the death and destruction the wars leave behind as traffic skids out of control on sauce strewn streets and crusty molds cover all that remains. Tune in next time when we hear Liv say, "Those baguettes taste like they came out of a vending machine. OMG! They did come from a vending machine!"

And Fec replies, "When the great war comes again, as come it must, perhaps the sanctity of an honest sourdough loaf will be among the things which drive us to the battlements and sustain us in our darkest hours."

Believe me, these things really do write themselves... typos …

What To Do With Crappy Poems?

Crappy Poems

And so it is, we penned each verse
with nothing left to say.
We rhymed in time to make it fine
and quietly walked away
to where we go, nobody knows;
we'll get there when we know it,
on crappy verse we shan't rehearse
for fear we just might blow it.

Where Parking Meters Go To Die

Asheboro, NC-- Journalists for Wackemall Network News dig deep in the search for Parking Meter Heaven only to discover a parking meter hell.

Parking Island

"I heard of a place," she said to me.
"I'm hoping that it's true.
A place called Parking Island
where old meters can renew.
A place to go after we die
and leave this world alone,
where parking meters never cry
and we are all at home."

I didn't know what to say. How could I explain to her that she was just a figment of my imagination and that parking meter poetry-- all 60 plus verses-- along with her very existence, was nothing more than works of twisted fiction? I left her sitting atop the pole dreaming of the day when her maker calls her back to Parking Island.

Photo courtesy of  Allan Machlelse via Flicker.

How To Iron On Iron-on Patches Without An Iron

Well being it was raining buckets full of Saint Bernards and Tigers today I decided there was no need in going in to work at the new Wackemall Media, Mining, Manufacturing, Farming & Transportation... sawmill.  After all, we ain't got no logs to cut and we ain't put a roof on it yet.

I think you'll agree, just standing there in the rain all day looking at a wet sawmill didn't seem very intelligent. Even if it is brand spankin' new.

So I decided being a dedicated bachelor and all I'd catch up on a few domestic chores and get my Momma off my back. Seemed like the thing to do.

Well back about 10 years ago I got me eleven pairs of them blue canvas Carhart work pants which I wear 7 days a week. I was a dedicated believer in Levis Jeans before I bought those Carharts but haven't bought a single pair of pants or jeans since buying the Carharts. I used to replace all my jeans once a year, no matter what the brand. And I tried them all. Canvas is hands down a c…

Dirty Laundry

Those who fear airing their dirty laundry risk wearing stinky clothes. Only in the open air can the stench be removed.

Things Children Don't Understand

The Devil You Know

"Don't get too close," his mother cried. Kal-El could see her fade. For it was just a trader and his truck all filled with things to trade.
"But Mom, you always keep me back like I'm a little boy when all I want is just to see. There's nothing I'll destroy."
For even though almost everything in the picking fields was toxic, Lara could not yet make Kal-El understand that too many of the traders themselves were far more dangerous even though she traded with them almost every day.

Return to the beginning of the story.

A Hero In The Making?

Field Work
Unobtainium, they called it as they dug through fields of trash hoping they might find a bit to trade for food or stash to fill the voids-- an empty gut or the pain that always stays while they sing of hope, better times, and dream of better days.

Like Kal-El, his mother, Lara, was born and raised in the picking fields. Upon finding the 20th century comic book in the field and recognizing that Superman's mother was also named Lara, she named her new born son Kal-El.

She dreamed, he too would become a hero.

Please continue with Things Children Don't Understand.

Return to the beginning of the story.

And History Will Never Know

Superman in the 23rd Century

Fight school
selective breeding
China vs Georgia basket ball game
goodwill games = oxymoron
Thus begins the story of Kal-El, named for a 20th Century comic book hero known to most as Superman.

Please continue with A Hero In The Making?

Maple Slab

A maple slab 1/2" thick, roughly 36" long and a little over 12" wide at the widest point cut April 21, 2017 on a bandsaw mill at the headquarters of Wackemall Media, Mining, Manufacturing, Farming & Transportation... in Ramseur, North Carolina.

Don't just whack 'em-- Wackemall!

Home, Home On The Gas Range?

While other media outlets are concentrating on the rise in Chipotle stock prices and an across the board increase in the prices they charge their customers, reporters working behind the scenes for Wackemall Network News tell you what's really going on behind the scenes at Chipotle.

Barbecued Gun Slingers

Chipotle rode into the town
a hired gun working for the clown,
his snack wrap hung low by his side.
BBQ was going to die.

A wanted chicken, price tag on his head,
BBQ would soon be dead.
A new impostor takes his place
while old Boss Hog, he falls from grace.

So as we wait for noon day sun
the marshals, they all turn to run.
Chipotle, snack pack blazin' hot,
as the clock strikes noon...
he fires one shot...

and the battle rages on.

And so it is, the Fast Food Delights and the fast food fights continue only on Fast Food Wars.

What If Those We Call Prophets Were Really Just Bad Comedians?

There are those who call me wizard, those who call me fool, those who call me hero, and those who call me tool.

But someday they will call me Barney.

Anyone You Know?

21st Century Man
He prefers to live his life alone, not free, just burning space; sick of all he can't control, fed up with the human race. He sees the world as fallen down and for him perhaps it's fell, as he seeks to find asylum inside his little hell.

If I Told You I'd Have To Fry You

Washington, DC-- Are Grocery stores behind the Fast Food Wars, charging slotting fees and running up the cost of groceries? Reporters for Wackemall Network News tried to get to the bottom of this story with the following results.

Deadly Penmanship
"I told you I don't do interviews,"
Big Mac, he said to me.
"So why don't you just stop wasting my time?
Why won't you let me be?"

" 'Cause I know you know the whereabouts
of the clown and all his fries
and if you don't start talking,
then, Big, you're gonna fry!"

"Poet, don't you threaten me!"
I could see Big Mac was mad.
"No one pushes Big Mac around.
You're gonna be real sad."

I can't say what I did to him
but, Big, he paid the cost.
Seems even burgers have no taste
when they've bled their special sauce.

The Fast Food War has been ignored by the main stream media for longer than any of us have been alive. And if you're shocked by what you're r…

Why Do I Do It?

Cellphones ring insipid tones,
Beethoven rolls over to shake his bones,
refried rock on the PA plays
songs worn out like yesterday’s
bad news-- too long it will stay,
and so is life-- a thousand songs
to jumble in the fray.

A lightning strike-- I’d think it fine,
knock it out, burnt to the rind.
Anything to change my mind.
Poke Salad Anne-- on the radio plays,
the finest thing I’ve heard in days.
And why do I write this drivel?

When I Picked Barbeque Over A Blonde

So there's this little barbeque restaurant that has been in my neighborhood for like 75 years or so. The parking lot is still gravel, the building is old, but it is still run by the same family who founded it all those many years ago.

I love going to Bernie's Barbeque because the food is good, the service is good, prices are as cheap as anywhere in town, and the staff makes me feel right at home.

Some years ago a lady friend and I decided to go out and grab lunch one day. I'd been seeing her several years, it wasn't a special occasion and she said she didn't care where we went as long as the food was good. So being it's less than a mile from home I suggested barbecue. She agreed barbecue would be fine so off we went.

When we pulled into the parking lot she took one look at the building and said, "I'm not eating in there."

"Why not?" I asked.

"The place looks old," she said, "like a dump."

"It is old," I answered, …

Rita Dove, Page 3 Girl!

Poet Laureates On Page Three? I guess the hard times for poets never end even if you’re a former United States Poet Laureate. Rita Dove, shown here sans any plumage that didn’t come natural, is a former poet laureate and widely known author who still looks great despite her age.

It’s not every day that a former poet laureate poses in nothing but feathers as a Page 3 Girl so we feel lucky to have plucked her here at Billy's Page 3 Girls. As a matter of fact, the boys in the IT department have this photo of Ms. Rita Dove bareing all, tacked up on the wall downstairs in Momma's basement.

Poet laureate or pigeon? She looks a little shy, don’t you think?

Ms. Dove is a professor at the University of Virginia- Charlottesville, and is married to the author, Fred Viebahn.

If you’d like to learn more about the real Rita Dove and find out why she was once a poet laureate, then click on over to her website and give her a really good look.

If My Family Had Ruled The World

My family plants, grows, and gives away vegetables every year. But when I want to grow more herbs than we need for just ourselves they think me crazy. "You've already got Thyme, why do you want to plant more Thyme?"
I don't get it. Why is anything that we've never done before prohibited just because we've never done it before?
Think of all the amazing things that would have never been accomplished throughout the course of history if my family had ruled the world.

But hey, no one would want for vegetables...

Parking Meters Propose Resolution To Problem

Greensboro, NC-- Currently over $2.7 Million Dollars dating back to 2006 in fines have not been paid by people and companies, for failing to properly feed the parking meters in Downtown Greensboro. While parking meters and their families continue to starve, the cost of keeping the meters exceeds what the meters take in. Meanwhile the meters are unhappy that they earn far less than minimum wage and are unable to provide for themselves and their families.

Parking Meters Demand Suffrage

You say we do not earn our keep.
You say we cannot cope.
But it's not us who makes the rules.
We haven't got a vote.

Make things right, give us a chance.
For once, let us know hope.
Let us control our destiny.
Let Meters have a vote!

Wackemall Network News is able to provide coverage of Parking Meter News with support of people like Andy and the pretentious assholes at Greater Greensboro Politics.

Quick, Hide The Eggs!

Bye, Bye Bunny
Daddy shot the Easter Bunny-- put it in the stew. I'll never speak to him again. I swear that's what I'll do. He'll never get another kiss. No more will he get hugs. Me, I'm going to run away to live with my friend Bugs.
And Daddy better not shoot Bugs Bunny...

So Where Do They Really Get Their Meat?

Loxahatchee, Fla-- And so it is,, we take a break from the Easter holidaze and look back in time at yet another battle in the recent Fast Food Wars, pitting meat against meat, and wonder who will be the victor who grills the story... and will anybody care?

Wendy's Drive Through

Wendy stayed up late night
waiting for her Mom RD.
She was feeling fiber fantic
as she watched on her TV.

The Burger King was slipping out
to slip in her back door
but the Baconator was waiting
as the King crept 'cross the floor.

The sonic boom was heard for miles
as the Baconator fired his rounds,
his kids pack bellowed tons of smoke
as it knocked ol' BK down.

The Whopper said he heard it
from the other side of town
and somewhere in the darkness laughs
a demented, red haired clown.

Two Eagles Talking

"I hear they feed vegetables to their children."

"Don't they know you are what you eat?"

"Guess that means humans are just a bunch of vegetables, right?"

"Hey, wait a minute."

"What is it?"

"Does that make us fish?"

Get the best of Two Eagles Talking right here at I mean, where else can you get bad jokes for free?

Photo credit: Eagle Totem, Whoever that is...

A Gift

One Day
Lest all of time should fade away
and tomorrow never come;
and all that lays before you now
suddenly become undone,
and everything you've never known
should surely go away,
I'd think it good I knew you
if only for a day

On Funding Higher Education

Education is an investment in infrastructure and like all infrastructure, only government can manage it. As a Fiscal Conservative I realize our economy requires that infrastructure requires a certain amount of government oversight and spending that is contrary to what most conservatives whose ideas are grounded only in ideology, preach.

Set admission standards high and send everyone who qualifies to technical schools, colleges, and universities at no cost to the students. Only then will our economy begin to turn around. Only then will we be able to deal with the problems of jobs lost due to automation.

And even then it won't be easy.

Custom Motrcycle Painting Made Easy?

Is It Paint Yet?
I'm often asked, "Is it ready for paint?" Shoot if it is, sand if it ain't. I have but a saying, the readiness shows; go ahead and shoot it-- if it ain't you'll soon know.
And then you can do it again, and again, and again, and...

Sir, Can You Change A Hundred For The Parking Meter?

High Point, NC-- Wackemall Network News travel correspondent Billy Jones,  met a very nice parking meter not far from where you live and she asked me to tell you:

Thanks For Visiting

"I knew you were coming.
I'm here to say. Hi.
I've been right here waiting
as the others pass by.
Don't try to ignore me
for that's just not nice.
Just put in your coins
is my best advice."

Parking Meter Poems are made possible by strange voices inside my head.

Never To Be Seen Again

The Search Continues
He climbed upon the mountain top
but didn't find it there.
Sailed the world's great oceans--
it wasn't anywhere.
He flew off into outer space
but never caught a glimpse,
and though the pain was horrid
they never heard him wince.
He rambled 'bout the galaxy
to where none had ever been,
checked every rock and hiding place
outside and within.
When he found his final resting place,
clutched there in his hand
was the thing that he'd been searching for...
for as long as he was man... kind.
And it had been there all along.

Don't Drink The Frog

At Grandma's house there was a spring room with a fresh water trough that water always flowed through and a dipper hanging beside it. Best water I ever tasted I drank from that dipper.

Saw a salamander in the trough once. Said to Grandma, "Grandma, there's a salamander in the water trough."

"Well just leave it be," Grandma said.

"But I'm thirsty," I complained.

"Well get you some water," Grandma fussed, "just don't drink the frog."

"But Grandma," I corrected her, "It's not a frog, it's a salamander."

"Well don't drink the salamander," Grandma laughed.

Not many folks here in these united states drink water piped directly from a fresh water spring these days. And in many places the water quality is so poor that salamanders are hard to find. In those days people knew the water was safe to drink if it contained only the occasional salamander or frog. Not so much these days, and springs wit…

What? You Think Being King Is Easy?

King Of The Mountain
I'm tumbling again...
War is hard, chanting on the boulevard,
taking shots to take the hill
and climbing up to take more still.
I near the top, victory in sight
but tumble down...

Words As Weapons

The Poet Strikes Back
I only wanted to pen a poem
but they had to drag me in,
make me do their bidding
time and time again.
And so it was in bitter rage
I raised my poisoned pen
determined I would end them all
with the words they dared not send...
And oh how they have bled...

Would You Like Dip With That?

Undisclosed location-- While the Fast Food Wars continue to rage on, Wackemall Network News reporters embedded far behind enemy lines discover that even the most hardened solders need a little R & R from time to time.

Fast Food Road Trip
We loaded up for the great Southwest.
Taco drove the bus.
Wendy stayed up late night
always causing a big fuss.

Mandarin, she got out
somewhere around Loch Mallad.
Caesar cried, “I’m hungry.”
I told him, “Eat a salad.”

The Frescata Club was closing up
by the time we got there,
so we drove through the Black Forest
with its soquid frosty air.

“Burgers are old fashioned,”
Wendy told me as she stripped,
looking at me laughing,
“Mind if I take a dip?”

Taco parked the bus.

Exclusive coverage of the Fast Food Wars are made possible by Reindeer and the hot chics who fly them.

The Impossible Dreams

Looking Backwards
Use without consumption
warmth without combustion,
preposterous as it may surely seem:
to ride the coach, not pull it,
is every poor man's dream.
Rewards in yet another world--
the promise they all seek
but truth be told, the lie is gold
with no rest for the meek.
Endure all that you cannot cure,
be still and don't complain
for in the end when you look back
the world won't know your names.

Mimi Daraphet, Page 3 Girl

This week’s all nude page three girl is none other than the beautiful Mimi Daraphet, AKA: Bultar  Swan. A resident of Sydney, Australia, and graduate of architecture from the University of NSW, Miss. Swan is right at home displaying her plumage in front of the camera. Seen here, bare of her light saber and stripped of all her weapons except her honker, Bultar hardly looks like the Jedi warrior she played in the movie, Star Wars, but make no doubt this hottie can do what comes natural just as quickly as any chic in the pond.

Doesn’t she look cute surrounded in green slime?

Billy's Page 3 Girls and are brought to you by self-depreciating, crazy old men with nothin' better to do and no one better to do it with. And by flash backs. Lots of flash backs.

Parking Eggs In A Basket

Petaluma, CA-- Once known as the Egg Capital of the World, Petaluma, California is now the place where parking meters are leading a nationwide movement as Petaluma's parking meters express their concerns about being treated as second class citizens, and thought of as nothing more than municipal property.

Pick Up Parking Meter

Still I sit atop this pole,
a heart of steel,
still a fragile soul.
You leave your money
then walk away
never taking the time
to hear me say,
"How do you like your eggs?"

And so it is, the post modern story of parking meter poetry and those we too often ignore. So as parking meters struggle for recognition today will tomorrow find them struggling for equal rights as well? Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News to find out.

Let This Serve As A Warning

By Their Own Hand

Each bitter verse behind us now,
the battle rages on
while children cry and young men die,
the old men, they hold on
to lost ideals, their bitter pills
ideas of their own making
for as they do condemn us now
the earth beneath them shaking.

Swallowed up by their own hate,
they lash, intent to drag us down
never seeing as they do
our weight will make them drown
washed away, a flood of green
they stole from each and all
until the weight of their own greed
forced their very fall.

On Voter ID

Think about it, what's the point? The politicians are only going to do what is best for the politicians so why should we care who wins?

Why Wise Men Are Hated

The lions came, clouds filled the skies--
the mountian kept watch too.
Evil money paid our way
and helped to get us through.
Where once inside a wizard
told us what to do.
"Go back inside," he told us,
"this freedom's not for you."

And we shouted, "Death to the wizard!" as freedom dragged us down.

Rated R

Blue Light Special

We sailed our house sub normality along the circle of life. Beneath the rays we couldn't see the sun set to our right. A smiling face I'll not forget. And then I saw the light.!
Never seen a hyperlink poem before? Hyperlink poems are inspired by things I find on the Internet.

It's Probably Over Your Head

Most so called conservatives don't know what fiscal conservatism really is. Like most people, they think being fiscally conservative means never spending money. I'm a fiscal conservative and capitalist who understands that fiscal conservatism and capitalism both work best when people's basic needs are first met.

Just ask Henry Ford who was hated by every car maker, industrialist, and factory owner of his day because he actually paid his employees enough to buy new Model T automobiles at a time when workers at all the other car makers and big factories were still walking to work.

Starving your customers out of the market will never build your business, nor will it support an economy.

...Don't Stand, Don't Stand, Don't Stand To Close To Me

Greensboro, NC-- While nationwide sales have been a struggle for the red headed clown as a result of the Fast Food Wars, Greensboro, North Carolina is among the McDonald's capitals of the USA. This has caused local leaders like Greensboro Mayor Nancy Barakat Vaughan to fear that Greensboro McDonald's may soon become the center of terrorist attacks or perhaps even targets in the Fast Food Wars.

Drive Thru Bombers
Ronald closed the drive thru
to lessen their attacks
put up a sign, "The lobby's open."
But the crowds would not come back.

And the passing cars just speed away.

So it is, another great Greensboro tourist destination devastated by the mere threat of the Fast Food War while the main stream media continues to ignore what's happening on their very own street. They say the biggest lies are the easiest to tell but what about the lies of omission? And me, I'm thinking about calling Sting.

This edition of the Wackemall Network News has been brought to yo…

'88 Dodge Ram Pick-up Air Dam

I started testing this closed grill on my '88 Dodge Ram 150 powered by a 318 cubic inch TBI engine
 over 2 years ago and am happy to say I've had no issues with overheating even at speeds well above 70 miles per hour or stuck in city traffic at almost 100 degrees  Fahrenheit (37.7778 Celsius.)

But all that time was without a front bumper which might effect the airflow from down low.

As I've finally settled on a design for my bumper that will be lower to the ground than the original bumper, I thought today would ne a good time to build an air dam that will help channel air flow through a vent I'm planning on putting in the middle of the new bumper, and redirect that air to the radiator, air conditioning condenser, and the huge aftermarket transmission cooler I installed some years back to keep the 767 Torque flite Automatic Transmission cool.

I began by cutting a piece of steel angle to length and bolting it across the frame rails after painting it with Rust-Oleum rust…

Who Needs Cheerleaders?

The problem with most towns is they are run by cheerleaders. And as you well know, cheerleaders never won a football game and often distract the players from the game.

Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 18

Zhejiang Nision Industrial Limited is an enterprise
specializing in the production of knitted clothing.
And they proudly display their keywords right up front.

"A common question that gets asked is how to use JavaScript's
window.matchMedia() method to react to multiple CSS media queries."

"U.S. Pedestrian Deaths Surged to Record Levels in 2016."
Anyone remember Death Race 2000?
Apparently someone is keeping score.

There are things you should never say to a woman.
Like it matters at my age?

Dominos is testing pizza delivering robots
and pizza via drone.
But they still haven't learned how to make a good pizza.

"Dreaming of being naked in front of people can represent a fear
of revealing something to others."
That is, unless you're dreaming of becoming a rich porn star.

Buyhear is having a madness sale.
Do we really need more?

Please continue reading Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 19

No More April Fools

Always The Fool
The fool,
living the fool's dream
waiting for nothing, something
or in between
will never be happy,
will always be blue;
always be lonely
always be the fool...
except on April Fools' Day

Wanted: Dead Or Alive

Escaped Twist Tie.

Last seen on counter next to what will soon be stale bread.

Reward dependent on how much bread is saved, Can also pay in peanut butter.

Aliases: Bread Tie, Wire, Twistie Thingie

May be disguising itself as coil or string.

Please be on the lookout for this steely criminal.

For more information visit

Sadly, Holidaze Don't Get Any Better

Gag Order

There's water on Mars, the scientists say
and an angry god takes all away.
Here comes the sun,
life's in the bag.
Have you seen my hat?
This gag is a drag.

April Fools!