Mar 21, 2017

Remember The Pigmies

Apparently isolated tribes of pigmy warriors who historically, only battled other pigmy warriors, never saw the need in building forts with walls over five feet tall. But for American Special Forces having spent the last month trapped in a Pigmy fort we accidently took by force, having to spend every hour of every day hunched over to avoid being shot in the head with US weapons being constantly supplied to the Pigmy by aerial drops is a pain in the...

Well, you know.

You see, the Pigmy were on our side. That is, before some bozo in military intelligence mistook satellite photos of a Pigmy fort for an enemy fort and arranged a joint effort of Army, Navy, and Marine Special Forces to be dropped into the middle of the fort in the middle of the night.

Taking the fort was easy. We shot anything shorter than five feet tall and the rest ran away. Thirty minutes and the fort was ours. Three hundred Pigmy dead, not a single US casualty. Then. Problem is: we pissed off over three hundred thousand Pigmy warriors who used to be on our side, and have now surrounded their fort with every intention of taking it back.

And no one in Military Intelligence seems to be getting the message that the weapons they keep dropping out of those freaking airplanes are now being used on American Special Forces.

Back home the politicians will fight for months, perhaps even years over whose fault this was, when the fact is: they never needed us here in the first place. All the Pigmy Warriors needed to win the war was American weapons. But no, thanks to the stupidity that pervades throughout Washington, those Pigmy Warriors who used to be on our side are now our enemies.

Remember Benghazi? Remember the Alamo? At least those guys weren't Pigmies!

-Captain Walter T Rogers, United States Army