Mar 31, 2017

Free Parking Friday Only

Greensboro, NC-- Downtown residents and visitors alike are amazed to discover parking meters reciting poetry today. To get to the bottom of the story I interviewed a parking meter this afternoon who told me a poem about free downtown parking so I thought I'd share the parking meter's poetry for everyone to see.

With the meter's permission of course.

No One Parks For Free


Don't have any change?
You're down on your luck:
what once was a quarter
will cost you 5 bucks.

The parking meter preferred that I not revel his her its? name, saying downtown was already too crowded with too many people, too many cars, and not enough metered parking. And too many people who were unwilling to pay parking meters, who already work for less than minimum wage in most instances.

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest Parking Meter Updates.

Where Do Twist Ties Go?

I dropped the twist tie from the hamster feed bag in the tank with the hamsters. Even the hamsters couldn't find it.

Mar 30, 2017

Well That Just Sucks

And Then

We pass through doors,
slide down the rocks,
call the doctor
to change our locks,
do a dance;
it's all okay
Go past the tree
to make our way.
Hide inside what drags us down...
and then you die...

Mar 29, 2017

Haji on Page 3

Hydra Heifer On Page 3
Watch out guys! The Double D Avenger, Haji as Hydra Heffer, is on Page 3 this week. I really must admit the staff really went out of their way, out into the field, for this week’s Page 3 Girl.

And to think, those magazines across the pond think they’ve got the hottest Page 3 Girls. Go figure. Hydra Heffer, Page 3 Girl.



Hydra Heffer, Page 3 Girl With her superstar friends like Pirate Juggs and Ooga Boobies playing the evil strippers, it’s hardly a wonder the guys are lining up for the spankings (I didn’t have to make that part up.) Talk about the confessions of a sexy supervixen. Now if only we could get some photos of Chastity Knott, then we’d be making movies ourselves.

Predator Harvesting

Quick Get Away

Into the mouth we traveled,
of storm clouds we'd not fear,
preying upon the herds
of all who would come near.
The thunder strikes the water
as the city fades to grey
to leave us in the tank
with no means to get away.





Mar 28, 2017

Rhyming Parking Meter Haiku?

Japanese Parking Meters?

Parking meter here.
Parking meter there.
Parking meter everywhere!

I know, I know, but who else but a parking meter would have time to think of writing rhyming Haiku? Which, by the way, is actually, Senryū, except that it's not.

History Of Wackemall: Part 65, Henry David Thoreau

In researching the earliest drafts of Walden by American Author Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862) researchers from Wackemall University have discovered the following, previously unknown writings:

"The cost of Wackemall is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run."

Often shortened to:

"The price of Wackemall is the amount of life you pay for it."
or

"the value of Wackemall is the amount of life you pay for it."


For the man who went to the woods because he wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if he could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when he came to die, discover that he had not lived, there is little doubt that life on Walden Pond was devoid of Wackemall.

Thoreau wrote extensively about Wackemall saying,

"I wanted to live deep and suck out all the wackemall of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not wackemall, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine wackemall of it, and publish its wackemall to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of wackemall in my next excursion."


Fortunately, unlike in Thoreau's time, Wackemall is no longer rare, expensive, nor hard to find. Thanks to this invention we call the Internet, and the dedicated staff at Wackemall Media, Mining, Manufacturing, Farming & Transportation... where we are leading no one, making nothing, and going nowhere faster than we care to know... Wackemall is always plentiful and free at Wackemall.com.


And you don't have to live in the woods.

Please read History Of Wackemall: Part 66, Magen Eller


Mac Sabbath To The Rescue?

Asheville, NC-- Resistance grows even in the backwaters of the Appalachian Mountains high along the Blue Ridge as residents of Asheville turn to contradictions in terms (backwaters and mountains) and parenthetical nightmares of sentence structure to join the resistance in the Fast Food Wars.

When Fast Food And Metal Collide

Mac Sabbath sang in tiny clubs
to raise us by the roots,
while Checkers fights to stay alive
and pull in all the loot.
The red headed clown has not gone down
despite their valiant tries,
as fires break out at Burger King,
and the fool tells you to buy.


Will Mac Sabbeth raise awareness to the point that the 100 year Fast Food War finally reaches a tipping point? Or will we all just end up in the frying pan? Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates.


Some Wishes Come True, Like It Or Not

Island

I wish I was an island
with my own volcano there,
no roads to cross,
just rust away,
free to blow hot air.
No one to say, for my own good.
Far from any worn out trail
Free to stay in my own space
awatch for far off sails.

Mar 27, 2017

The Circus Lives!

Links To Dreamland

Trapped in walls of sound,
the pachyderms arrive,
Green and red. they fill my head
Pacific trains survive.
A cat looks to the heavens
afraid of what lies deep
while lonely women await a kiss
and me, I'm off to sleep.

The Meek Shall Inherit Fast Food

Undisclosed location-- Embedded journalists for Wackemall Network News are beginning to see a different story unfold as the Fast Food Wars continue. That story is the story of those most effected by the war and least able to do anything about it.

Mister Bojangles Revisited
Mister Bojangles, he played his song for me;
played it with a spork,
then he danced the two step,
pawned his tambourine in York.

“Gotta Wanna Needa Gotta Hava,”
he sang his song for me,
climbed out of the dumpster
laughing, “Looks what I gots free!”

This edition of Wackemall Network News has been make possible by sporks and the billions of gallons of fossil fuels used to make them. And napkins. Lots of napkins. And trees. And electricity. And....

Mar 26, 2017

Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 17


"The rusty patched bumble bee gained federal protection Tuesday
after the Trump administration removed its hold on
listing the species as endangered."
Will the Secret Service protect them now?

A guide to writing, written.
like all guides to writing,
by a writer no one has ever heard of.

"Globally, dogs have caused about 10 extinctions and continue to threaten another 150 species. In the United States alone, some 78,000 dogs roam habitats close to urban and suburban development."
But dogs are man's best friend.

I found a bluebird
eating a ripe blue berry
on the rocks.
And I'm sure it's not real.

Victoria Beckham’s collaboration with Target
is being pushed on dozens of websites
to make it appear as if all the attention is viral.
It isn't.

And finally, I learned 21 Cool Internet Tricks to Revolutionize Your Browsing
and yet I was still bored enough to spend my time composing
Things I Found On The Web Today...

Some days, no matter how long the wheels turn, you still end up right back were you started.

Please continue reading Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 18

History Of Wackemall: Part 64, Thomas Paine

In Part 53 of the History of Wackemall, we spoke of how the great American statesman, Thomas Paine wrote of Wackemall in his 1778 letter to British General Sir William Howe. But that wouldn't be the only reference to Wackemall Thomas Paine ever made. In 1780, Paine wrote:


"These are the times that try men's souls....

If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have wackemall."

Pointing out how important Wackemall was to Colonial America.

He would then go on to write:

"...Wackemall is not the purchase of a day, and it is no wonder that we should err at the first setting off."

As he worked to rally the forces of Western Pennsylvania to remain loyal and vigilant to the cause of American independence.

And finally Paine closed his letter by writing:


"Look on this picture and weep over it! and if there yet remains one thoughtless wretch who believes it not, let him suffer it without wackemall."

Too often history is written by the visitors and passers-by, telling only the parts they want you to know, or the tiny parts they heard. That's why we here at Wackemall.com think it so important you read and study the entire History of Wackemall rather that remaining ignorant, dumb, stupid, and bored for the rest of your life.

Please continue reading History Of Wackemall: Part 65, Henry David Thoreau


Mar 25, 2017

If You Only Knew What I Know

Success

With four eyes staring down on me
I reached to grab a gun
the white cliffs standing over me.
Finally, I thought, success!



The creature with 4 eyes is a Marpissa muscosa jumping spider native to England.  The poem is called a hyperlink poem-- click the links before the secrets are lost.

Two Eagles Talking

"You know, I hear a lot of them aren't very happy with that new President they elected."

"So what's new, they're never happy with the President-- not even the ones who voted for him"

"Well then why do they vote for him?"

"Because they're too dumb to know to fly away, I guess."

"Makes as much sense as anything else I've heard."

Get the best of Two Eagles Talking at... Who the hell am I kidding? If anyone wanted to read any more of these bird brained jokes I wouldn't have to work so hard to promote them.

Photo credit: Eagle Totem

Why The System Doesn't Work

The system was built only with the intention of forcing everyone to follow the hierarchy-- no logic required, no logic rewarded.

Mar 24, 2017

Only The Shadow Knows

Lost In Thought

Walking along the edge
to a house built on the stone
sharing feathered heart,
iridescent, dark alone,
I chanced upon a shadow
staring back at me...

Mar 23, 2017

Hundreds Stuck On The 13th Floor

Greensboro, NC-- Hundreds of downtown workers are outraged over parking tickets issued while stuck in elevators in city owned buildings.

Parking On Someone Else's Dime
Time, it ticks the meter down
as you make your way to higher ground
when the elevator's stuck
you become deranged;
If you'd only added extra change...

This edition of Parking Meter Poetry has been made possible by imaginary readers who read imaginary books. Okay, so the books aren't imaginary, I'm just imagining somebody actually buying them.

Coming up, after Wackemall Network News, the story of The Bench.

Nice Touches

For A While

A narrow bridge leads far below
to worlds so far away
where white on white can bring delight
or live you in dismay
for as the sun, it slowly sets
and his brown eyes make you smile
you'll think of me with no regrets
if only for a while.

And think it a nice touch

Raven Baxter On Page 3

That’s So Raven!
Are you looking for hot chicks? Well if you are then this week’s Page 3 Girl is really going to turn you on!

Raven au natural Shown here on the side of the road is none other than Raven Baxter, star of television and teen movies, That’s So Raven, seen here in all her natural glory. It might be that everyone's favourite psychic can’t really predict the future, but we here at Billy's Page 3 Girls are predicting a lot of you will be rushing here to see Raven bare all her lovely dark plumage.


Billy's Page 3 Girls are brought to you by Wackemall Media, Mining, Manufacturing, Farming & Transportation...   and silly old men who don't get out very often.

Mar 22, 2017

The Only Way I Know How

Making Do

An angry face snarled at me
and howled calls of the wild.
Einstein, he stared back at me
as I crossed without a smile.
Full of doubt, I colored lines
the only way I knew
to trust my feelings to the end
and learn to just make do.

Would You Rather Be A Hammer Or A Nail?

Everything has its place in the universe. Without nails there is no need for hammers so why would a nail aspire to become a hammer? Both are hit on the head. And thou the hammer head is bigger, the head of the nail suffers fewer blows.

Mar 21, 2017

Reality Check

The world has always been a dangerous and hard place in which to live. If life were easy, and everyone always felt happy and safe you'd never buy into the need for God, religion, or government.

Nor would anyone else.

Write Your Own Ending

Still Here

I climbed the big green mountain
after making my escape
from the toxic smoke that chokes us all
to trap us into fate.
I look down on the valley
only to awake...

Remember The Pigmies

Apparently isolated tribes of pigmy warriors who historically, only battled other pigmy warriors, never saw the need in building forts with walls over five feet tall. But for American Special Forces having spent the last month trapped in a Pigmy fort we accidently took by force, having to spend every hour of every day hunched over to avoid being shot in the head with US weapons being constantly supplied to the Pigmy by aerial drops is a pain in the...

Well, you know.

You see, the Pigmy were on our side. That is, before some bozo in military intelligence mistook satellite photos of a Pigmy fort for an enemy fort and arranged a joint effort of Army, Navy, and Marine Special Forces to be dropped into the middle of the fort in the middle of the night.

Taking the fort was easy. We shot anything shorter than five feet tall and the rest ran away. Thirty minutes and the fort was ours. Three hundred Pigmy dead, not a single US casualty. Then. Problem is: we pissed off over three hundred thousand Pigmy warriors who used to be on our side, and have now surrounded their fort with every intention of taking it back.

And no one in Military Intelligence seems to be getting the message that the weapons they keep dropping out of those freaking airplanes are now being used on American Special Forces.

Back home the politicians will fight for months, perhaps even years over whose fault this was, when the fact is: they never needed us here in the first place. All the Pigmy Warriors needed to win the war was American weapons. But no, thanks to the stupidity that pervades throughout Washington, those Pigmy Warriors who used to be on our side are now our enemies.

Remember Benghazi? Remember the Alamo? At least those guys weren't Pigmies!

Sincerely
-Captain Walter T Rogers, United States Army

Mar 20, 2017

Need Change For That?


What? You lookin' at me?
I've seen your stripes, I know your kind
and I'll give you a twist to blow your mind.
You mess with me, tell you what I'll do.
I'll send Chuck for you.


This has been a hyperlink poem. Click on the highlighted words to learn what's hidden. And we're not drinking cheap wine.

Mar 19, 2017

Just The Facts, Ma'am

I don't do debates. I present the facts I have available to me and challenge you to present facts to the contrary. Debates are contests of opinions and as we all know, everyone has opinions and assholes-- do we really need to compete to display who has the biggest asshole?

Stick with the facts or leave me alone.

Ode To The Burger King

Undisclosed location-- Journalists embedded deep within the Kingdom of Burger have discovered cults of Burger King loyalists chanting verses in honor of their believed god-king:


Have It Your Way
He looks sort of silly a wearin’ that crown.
He cooks good burgers, always perfectly round,
with lettuce, tomato, a pickle or two,
my favorite’s the Whopper, none other will do.
“Have it your way,” we all hear him say,
breakfast, lunch, dinner, open late every day.
Let’s ride through the drive-thru, it stays open late,
and if we are lucky we won’t have to wait
while under his heat lamp he keeps our fries warm.
Shut up, lets eat, enough Burger King poems.

A spokesburger for the red headed clown expressed concerns this sort of unchecked loyalty to a monarch believed to be a god might lead to extremist, or even terrorist actions on the part of his subjects.

Get the latest updates on the Fast Food Wars right here at Wackemall Network News. Coming up next, Puppy Tails?

Learn To Play Guitar The Hard Way

Silly Rhymes

I tried to say I love you.
You were always on my mind.
I dreamed of sunsets on the shores
a castle in the pines,
but the best that I could ever do
was pen these silly rhymes.

Mar 18, 2017

And then He Flew Away

World Traveler

Though tattered, worn and tired,
he started up the hill
as the heron watched from up above
the emperor stood still.
He looked at all surrounding him
and took an orange breath,
hopped aboard a falcon
to survey it's width and bredth.

Mar 17, 2017

Revelations I


1.1 All who bring revelation are considered subversive in their time.

1.2 Until reality knocks people down and stomps on their faces, everything is mute.

1.3 A fish, knowing he has taken the bait, is no better off.

1.4 I use the approach that one must sift through mountains of gravel to find a single gem. What you do with the gravel afterwards is up to you but I keep mine around to fill holes in my road.

1.5 I chased success for a very long time. I've tired of chasing, now success can chase me.

 1.6 "Hey old man, your house is on fire!"

"Get off my lawn, Kid!"

****
2.1 Living a nightmare once is enough.

2.2 The beginning has no middle nor an end. It is simply the beginning.

2.3 We have brains and intelligence greater than that of other animals for a reason. I would like to think that reason is so that we might overcome the law of the jungle, and those other than the strong might not only survive, but prosper.

2.4 It doesn't matter how smart you are or how many times you're right, if you don't have a bunch of letters at the end of your name they'll make you out to be a crack pot.

2.5 That's the only option the system allows them other than being branded crack pots and cast out to live like the rest of us live.

2.6 If my pillow could collect my dreams I'd burn it every day.


****
3.1 We're all dumb once. The smartest ones are only dumb once.

3.2 In America, politics have become the new religions and the parties are the cults. All of them.

3.3 The Democrats simply represent a kinder, gentler form of Fascism, but it is Fascism just the same. WE liberals have become like abused children trapped between 2 horribly abusive parents. We know either of them will beat us so we move towards the one who we think will hit softer.

3.4 They have funny accounting in DC, funny accounting at the state level and funny accounting at the local level... Are government accountants all a bunch of comedians in drag?

3.5 Most Conservatives are only fiscal until it comes to getting something for themselves. Then they become tax and spend liberals in drag. Most Liberals are only liberals until it gets in their own wallets. Then they become fiscal conservatives in drag. The man who openly admits to being a social liberal and a fiscal conservative walks a fine line few are able to follow.

3.6 Do I really need explain?


****
4.1 Funny, I used to pen dozens of poems a day, now it's a poem in dozens of days... And it really makes no difference; it's still all I can write.

4.2 According to legend, a pot of gold is to be found at the end of the rainbow. Everything under the rainbow is the same old crap.

4.3 I used to work very hard only to find myself disorganized, but now disorganization hardly requires any work at all.

4.4 I know it sounds crazy but sometimes the best we can do is to lead by being an example-- a bad example. And hope they figure it out.

4.5 When raising children, always explain why. Because is neither reason nor answer.

4.6 Until you've been a sandwich you can't really know what it's like to have killed with a piece of ground beef. Or tortured with mayonnaise.


****
5.1 Why attempt to stop a train wreck when you can easily get out of its way?

5.2 Sometimes you can resist by not doing anything at all. After all, there is no strategy for overcoming no resistance.

5.3 I've talked about establishing an alternative, parallel economic system for over a decade, as a means of insulating the working class from the manipulation of our current economy. Everyone thought me crazy.

5.4 The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. And most who arrive in Hell get there atop their high horses. Come off those high horses and walk with us common folk.

5.5 When it comes to political animals, nothing is ever what it seems to be. And even the politicians you believe in the most will eventually lie to the very people who would have most allowed them to make mistakes.

5.6 It is, after all, the nature of the beast.

****
6.1 Ever since I was a teenager, every time I drink a cup of coffee, I think of John Wayne in the movie, True Grit. And it's been over 40 years since I last saw the movie. Why is it that one scene where Rooster Cogburn rants about being served a cup of coffee with a spoon in it, left such a bold impression on me?

6.2 It's not the fact that's he's a Keynesian disciple that bothers me insomuch as it is he appears to be a Keynesian disciple on the take. Which, by the way, is completely contrary to true Keynesian Economic Theory but apparently central to Keynesian Economic Practice.

6.3 No one wants to be part of the solution. Solutions require change. Change makes people uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable makes people angry. Being angry makes people hard to get along with. Being hard to get along with makes solutions impossible. Fuck it, it's easier to stick with the problem.

6.4 The nation will only change for the better after it has fallen. The mighty Phoenix of myth and legend teaches us that it must crash to the earth in a ball of fire before it can arise from the ashes to fly again. America is the Phoenix.

6.5 When Keith Richards finally dies his autopsy will read: "Contains artificial preservatives."

****
7.1 It's easy to make enemies, harder to make friends and allies. Sadly, being of any particular persuasion doesn't seem to change that part of being human.

7.2 When facts don't agree with people's preconceived notions and beliefs the people become enraged... 'Tis the biggest hindrance there is to further advancement of the human race and the most dangerous force known to mankind.

7.3 In a world where there might be a million great unknown poets writing at any given time in history, have you ever thought that perhaps his poetry accidentally became so popular because no one ever needed that one last book to start the fire to keep warm or cook dinner for her starving children? Remember: the women were forced to remain illiterate back then.

7.4 One of the most frustrating times in my life was living in a motel in Ottawa, Illinois, a small town surrounded by corn fields in every direction, and not being able to buy a bowl of grits.


****
8.1 Deism is the tool by which free nations and free men are forged; religion is the weapon with which both are destroyed.

8.2 I've been reminding people for years that Albert Einstein is said to have defined insanity as repeating the same failed experiment over and over again while expecting different results. Voting has become that failed experiment, thereby proving American voters insane if they think it will change anything.

8.3 ...peoples' actions are preceded by their perceptions right or wrong. Telling the lie long enough does not make it truth but does make it the underlying cause for what happens after the falsehood.

8.4 My rights end when they encroach upon your rights. States Rights should end when they encroach upon our rights. Keep States Rights, but draw the line there

8.5 I'm not against private ownership of the means of production but I am against private ownership of the means of production being the only means of production.

8.6 Old habits die hard... And rarely for the right reasons.


****
9.1 I realize not everyone likes the way I do things but when they won't open the doors one is left with no choice but to knock them down. And if the vibration causes the whole building to fall before the doors swing open... Well we needed a better building anyway.

9.2 The world is full of people who are trying to effect change without taking human nature into account.

 9.3 Sometimes unintended consequences are necessary...

9.4 People hold dear anything anyone else tries to take away from them-- even if that thing is bad for them. We've all done it over something big or small. Hopefully yours was small.

9.5 Those that erase history are doomed to repeat it.

9.6 Most cannot even comprehend Deism and Deists such as Voltaire. So they must believe in the fairy tales as passed down by their tribes to convince themselves any sort of god can exist. 'Tis a fine line between believer and Atheist and the tribe depends on the majority never crossing.

9.7 Don't take the bait. And don't be a fish brain.



Why Things Never Change For The Better

Until reality knocks people down and stomps on their faces, everything is mute.

Fast Food Expression

Location Undisclosed-- Noam Chomsky said, "If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't believe in it at all."

But the Fast Food War wasn't about freedom of expression. The read headed clown and the king of burgers didn't give a damn about what we expressed as long as we expressed it super sized. And if we didn't want to eat what they told us to eat?

Seriously? You don't want to know.

Exclusive coverage of the Fast Food Wars continues here at Wackemall Network News where our journalists are stuffing their faces in the hopes that you never have to.

Coming up next, The History of Wackemall.

Time To Draw The Line

Dogs Doing Dishes

With glaring eyes, it stared to see,
but there was no where to run.
'Twas then that it assaulted me
and forced on me its wishes.
But I cannot be what you think of me
and I will not wash your dishes.

Mar 16, 2017

Just When You Think They're Beaten...

Escape Of The Dancing Bear

The dancing bear fought long and hard
but couldn't get away
so with all his creativity
he thought of things to say.
He donned his mask,
called a friend
and said, "I have a plan.
Strike while it's hot and think things through,
then make our final stand."

Definition Of Subversive

All who bring revelation are considered subversive in their time.

The Jews of his time hated Jesus. Mohamed had to conquer the Arabs of his time. Even Buddha was looked down upon by the Hindus. They were the men their contemporaries loved to hate.

And while I don't consider my contributions to be anything nearly, or even comparatively equal to anything they did, I would consider it an honor to be called a subversive today.

Mar 15, 2017

The Wizard of Odds?

21st Century Alchemy

In contrast. they are all the same--
their lies too often told
secrets that should not exist,
the storm clouds of the soul.
Limits we put on ourselves,
alchemy gone high tech,
sweet moments most will never know
the hands that hold them down
wizards of the modern world,
lost and never found.

Don't Be A Fish

A fish, knowing he has taken the bait, is no better off. Don't take the bait.

Mar 14, 2017

Bird Brains And Fish Heads

Escalating Tensions

Ouch! I say, that isn't nice.
Instead of pecking, we should unite.
Got the blues? It's quite alright,
at least the dumb still know to fight...

It's called a link poem-- click on the different links to figure it out.

Top Ten Ways You Know You're Driving On The Wrong Side Of The Road

In the interest of making motorcycling and driving safer for everyone, I've decided to publish a list of ways in which you can be quickly informed you are driving on the wrong side of the road. That is, unless you're British, Australian, Japanese or Kiwi. In which case, no one in America gives a shit.

Number 10. People on the side of the road are pointing at you and laughing.
Number 9. The yellow line is on your right and the white line is on your left.
Number 8. Some vandal turned all the signs around backwards.
Number 7. The median is on your right.
Number 6. All the exits are on your left.
Number 5. The other drivers you meet all slam on brakes and skid to the side of the road.
Number 4. People in oncoming cars are flashing their headlights, blowing horns and waving frantically!
Number 3. People you meet keep cursing you and giving you the number 1 sign with their middle finger.
Number 2. The car behind you has pretty blue flashing lights and wailing sirens.

And the Number 1. way to know you're on the wrong side of the road: That bug that just smashed your windshield was wearing dark sunglasses and a Harley-Davidson belt buckle!

Why All The Piles?

Worn Friends

Worn steps lead to mistakes
that cannot be reversed.
Evolution doesn't change
and can only be rehearsed.
Take a drink but keep your head
lest the cynic does you in.
Keep worn friends close, just in-case
you might need them again.

Mar 13, 2017

Vegas Parking Meters Gamble On Success

Las Vegas, NV-- This just in: reporters have just learned that evil Vegas developers are planning to destroy thousands for profit.



There's Not Room Enough In This Town... 

Some call it South Park,
some call it surplus,
some call it Sin City
and call it a plus.
But we call it tragic,
what they plan to do:
Get rid of us
to make room for you?

We'll not stand for it!

And so it is, while the City of Las Vegas burns in the Mojave, ordinarily silent parking meters speak out, and fall over against rate increases and lay offs. Hey, parking meters have rights...

Get the latest Parking Meter Updates as well as exclusive coverage of the Fast Food Wars right here at Wackemall Network News.

What? You thought someone else was going to tell you about it?

Mar 12, 2017

Do Unto Us What You Do For You

Admittedly, as a Deist, I'm not much on religion, and I'm certainly a proponent of the complete separation of church and state, but it comes to mind that it might go a long ways towards solving the problems of our world if the United States House and Senate were to pass a Golden Rule Amendment to the United States Constitution. You know, "Do unto others as you would have them do to you."

And make sure it is written in the amendment that this rule applies to Government.

After all, while I truly believe we cannot and should not legislate morality, there is no reason in the world that we shouldn't legislate ethics.

Leading With Left Feet

The Philosophy Of Dance

When they met it was love at first sight.
Every night their candle burned.
Philosophies so far apart
were of no concern.
Their efforts brought them giant treats
from lands so far away.
And so it is with outstretched hands
they danced the night away.

Actress Claudia Black Bares All On Page 3

Only one publication, Wackemall Media, Mining, Manufacturing, Farming & Transportation... and Billy's Page 3 Girls could have ever pulled it off.

Actress, Claudia Black, the co-star of Farscape, Stargate SG1, Pitch Black and other dark rolls such as the video games, Dragon Age: Origins and Dragon Age: Inquisition, Daro'Xen in Mass Effect 2 and Mass Effect 3, and as squadmate Samantha Byrne in Gears of War 3. And in the miniseries Containment.

Born and raised in Sydney, New South Wales, Australia, Claudia Black is a dark work of science fiction if there ever was one, and here she is stripped down, wearing nothing but a smile. And a dark smile at that.

The 2004, "#7 Hottest Scifi Babe" this chic is the entire package, able to sing, play guitar, tie up all the Loose Ends, and picture Dorian Gray like none you've ever seen.

As for us, we're off to watch old episodes of Farscape on YouTube before they're all gone.

When The Time Comes You'll Know It

Fall Of The Wild

He stared at me-- I know his type,
even wounded, they stand tall.
10 years after still we're blue,
the bruises make us small.
The trees, they played the music
like we hadn't heard in years
while we took in the scenery
and listened for the fall.

Sifting Friends

I use the approach that one must sift through mountains of gravel to find a single gem. What you do with the gravel afterwards is up to you but I keep mine around to fill holes in my road.

For some, that's as close as they ever get. At least I don't throw them away.

Mar 11, 2017

Obama Fried Chicken

Beijing, China-- Reporters for Wackemall Network News have uncovered an Asian connection in President Barak Obama's efforts to topple President Trump.

Turning Japanese
Wendy ran far from Japan
but vowed, she'd soon return
so when, Foie Gras Rossini, called on her
it was of big concern.
Together, they had plotted
to overthrow the King
accompanied by a truffle
and Porcini Mushroom Sing.

Some said, she'd never do it--
she'd never pull it off
but with a little help from Dominos
while the King was playing golf.
Arby pulled a nine iron,
swung and hit the King
and as the old man buckled
we all heard Wendy sing,

"Turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so,
Turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so..."

Are there no end to the Fast Food Wars? Will Obama use weapons of mass distraction? Will Trump?Who knows, maybe all of us will soon be eating Obama Fried Chicken. Will readers actually be smart enough to click on the links so they can get the joke? Like I've said before, I couldn't make this stuff up if I had to.

As The Sands Blew Deep

Sands Of Time

The sign remains but the crooks are gone
and the warning never came,
so we hid deep in the forest
and waited for the frame
to bridge us 'cross the sands of time
and take us home again.

Mar 10, 2017

Everyone Runs From Something

Refugee

Why is it when I'm full of doubt
I don't think myself wise
and tiny drops come pouring down
to make me want to fly;
eat tiny bites of sheer delights
and stealth myself away
to some place I've never been,
a refugee, they say?

When Help Comes At Last

"Hey old man, your house is on fire!"

"Get off my lawn, Kid!"

Mar 9, 2017

Independence

"Love many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe." --American Proverb

Love many, do what you like and never let anyone steer your bike. -Billy's Biker Proverb

Borrowing From His Death Bed

Serves 'Em Right

He robbed a bank today...
Well it wasn't really a bank, per say,
but a financial institution who'll no doubt seek restitution
for a loan for which he never can repay.

And at 33% interest I'm confused as to who is robbing who.

Mar 8, 2017

Give That Girl A Ride

Sweet Hitchhiker

When I'm hungry, will you feed me,
fill my cup to perk me up:
carry me to land's end
and will you lift me up?

Somewhere, On A Darkened Street

Washington, DC-- Lonely parking meters everywhere are crying out, feeling abandoned, used and left behind. Journalist for Wackemall Network News are continuing special Parking Meter Updates and conducting interviews with these lonely ladies of the night.

Lonely Parking Meter
Here I sit alone again
my slot a gaping hole.
My space is open far too wide
as I sit atop my pole.
Alone again, like every night
I'll see you again come day
but if you really cared for me
you'd pay so you could stay

all night long.


Remember: Here at Wackemall Network News, we were reporting fake news before fake news was cool.

Lisa Turtle On Page 3

Saved By The Bell

Who would have ever thought a member of the Jehovah's Witness would be here on Wackemall Page 3, playing in the grass and showing everything on her shell, but here she is, the beautiful star of daytime television, Lisa Turtle, AKA: Lark Voorhies, posing as this week’s  Page 3 Girl. Perhaps the Jehovah's Witness aren’t quite as strict as most of us think them to be.

Lisa Turtle, Page 3 Girl



Lisa Turtle has starred in Saved By The Bell, The Bold And The Beautiful, Days Of Our Lives, and Good Morning Misses Bliss. Talk about bliss, a hard body like Miss. Lisa Turtle could be too much bliss for any man to take.

Mar 7, 2017

The Baby Tells All

Listening

Hearing voices
from the womb
tell us of impending doom.
On the edge
we steal away
to a place we saw
some yesterday.

And we listen...

$4.oo Motorcycle Emergency Gas Can

Is the gas tank on your bike just a little too small? Do you sometimes forget you switched to 'Reserve' 30 miles back? Would you like a little more peace of mind when you don't know where the next gas station might be? Do you think motorcycle gas cans are overpriced? If you answered yes to any of those questions then you might be in the market for an emergency gas can to stow in a saddlebag. But have you looked at the prices they want for motorcycle gas cans. I bought this one for $4.00 at my local CVS Pharmacy.


No, it's not sold as a gas can but it holds gas, is tough and fits in a saddlebag. It's made of stainless steel and I picked red because red is the color of gas cans and won't be confused with my blue stainless steel water bottle. Is it 100% legal? Probably not but I've little doubt it's just as safe as any other gas can. In other words, if you're crushed in an accident there is a chance of fire and/or explosion just like the tank between your legs.

I recommend you mark it for gasoline only using paint or a Sharpie and be sure to leave room for expansion whenever you fill it up and always carry it vertically to reduce the chance of leaks.

Oh, and take the price sticker off of it so people won't think it's a water bottle.

The Fight To Save Texas

San Antonio, Tx-- Reports are coming in that the Fast Food War has taken Texas by storm. Will there be survivors?

Remember The Alamo Again?

Popeye came to visit,
he said, “They’re hiding in the Church’s,”
so I loaded up for San Antonio
to catch them all in lurches.
The Jalapeño Bombers,
poppers full of fire
were planning to blow-up Tejas.
The situation was dire.

Hushpuppies stood outside the gate
across from the Alamo.
I knew hot dogs would be inside.
How many I’d not know.
Cajun Rice, he had the spice
enough to make her blow.
An outlaw with the Church’s Brand
tattooed on his elbow.

Edward’s double watched the back,
Okra watched the front.
I reached to grab my Bowie knife
but thought the blade too blunt.
Sweet Nuggets, she was there inside
bound tight in onion rings.
I knew I had to capture one
tender cruncher, make him sing.

I waited there for hours
‘til a cruncher, he came out.
I hit him hard upside his head
tossed him all about,
tied him up, and sped away
knowing I would soon be told,
but I never lifted on the gas
when Fried Chicken crossed the road.

So just what in the name of blazin' saddles are Fast Food Delights? On their own you might find yourself confused but collectively and when placed in the proper order they become the history of the Fast Food Wars. Still confused?

That's what I thought. Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News to remain that way.

Weld

At last, I finally did it.
I laid the perfect bead,
molten metal flowed just right,
a beautiful thing indeed.
My welds were tight, spacing right
and penetration deep.
The only problem is
I welded both my feet.

Mar 6, 2017

Top 10 Reasons For Quiet Motorcycle Pipes

10. More low end torque.
9. Less vibration.
8. Easier to tune and jet.
7. Less bluing of pipes.
6. Cooler engine running.
5. No tickets for loud pipes.
4. A good place to hide your stash.
3. Fewer speeding tickets. (Seriously, if they don't hear you they don't wake up and point their RADAR guns at you.)
2. Mooses, bulls, wild boars, bears and mountain lions don't mistake the roar of your pipes as a challenge to a duel. (Remember: If it's a tie, you lose.)
And the number 1 reason quiet pipes are better on a motorcycle: It's easier to be a back door man and not get caught by a jealous husband.

Why I'm Still Single

It's not like I've never been married. On no, I got married twice. But I've been single for 30 years now. You see, I prefer motorcycles. You can eventually pay them off. If you get tired of your motorcycle you can trade it for another and not have to give it your house. You can dress them up or take them out naked and they never complain. You've no need to buy life insurance to take care of your motorcycle after you're gone. You only have to feed motorcycles when you ride them. The rest of the time they just sit there quietly in the shed never saying a word about anything. And sometimes, if you're lucky, you can sell your motorcycle for more than you have in it.

Carolina Black Eagle

Some might say otherwise...

You Can't Get There From Here

Rocket Man

A flamingo waited just outside
staring at the moon
while there inside a different mood,
bitter sweet the memory, prickle mixed with gloom.
"Never again," she said to me,
"will my smiling face, you see.
For when you cross the finish line
you'll see last of me"

Mar 5, 2017

No Mortar Required

Look Out For The Bricks!

As eyes go heavy, lights go dim
and the map is hard to read,
genius is often rare
and the temple fills the need,
the prey sneaks up behind us
determined to widen the gap
toss the brick out the window,
lay down and take a nap.

Cat Got Your Tongue

Back in my younger days, when I was a senior in high school I went to pick up a date one Friday night. I noticed my date's cat was curious about my right boot and bell bottom jeans but didn't pay it any mind. The next thing I knew the cat had managed to pull an ounce of pot from my boot and was running across the room while I waited for my date to come downstairs. I tried to catch the cat and recover my pot but it made a clean break for the kitchen where my date's parents and their friends were playing cards. "Cat got somebody's pot," an old man shouted.

I had never before met my date's family. I turned to run back out the front door thinking my date's father would surely kill me for showing up to pick up his 15 year old daughter for our first date and me with a bag of pot only to find my young date standing behind me laughing and pushing me towards the kitchen only to meet her mother coming out of the kitchen with a stoned cat in one arm and a partially eaten bag of pot in her other hand saying, "I'm sorry, Billy, I got him stopped before he ate it all. I hope you're not mad."

I was just relieved that her Daddy still wanted me to come in and have a drink with him.

My date later explained that her older brothers had raised the cat from a kitten feeding it pot and blowing smoke it its direction until they finally created a pot head cat.

You'll Know When You Get There

Big Head

Riding the train on the cheapest of fares
might get you where you're going
but when you arrive it's not as it seemed
when you thought you were all knowing.
Your freedom is but who you are
when they haul your butt away,
your head another battered squash
with nothing left to say.

Mar 4, 2017

Definition Of Expertise

According to the Longman Dictionary of Contempary English the definition of expertise is:

ex‧per‧tise

ekspɜːˈtiːz $ -ɜːr-/

noun
"special skills or knowledge in a particular subject, that you learn by experience or training"


Used in a sentence:

Expertise is what some have that allows them to survive situations that more skilled persons might not survive.

Mar 3, 2017

No Middle, No Ending.

The beginning has no middle nor an end. It is simply the beginning.

FBI Busts Parking Meter Bandits

Buffalo, NY-- The US Attorney's office is announcing that two city employees have been charged with stealing thousands of dollars from parking meters. Here's what the meters had to say,


Meters Turn State's Evidence
(or Parking G-men?)
Don't rip us off-- we'll get you
and we will surely win.
The change ain't worth the price of sin
and then we'll do you in.
In Baltimore or Buffalo, the man is watching you.
And we'll be there to tip him off
and tell him what is true.

Yes, my friends, the long arm of the law even extends to parking meters and they don't like getting ripped-off. This has been a special Parking Meter Report from Wackemall Network News.

Mar 2, 2017

Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 16

JackPotMaker has
Die besten Online Casinos mit Merkur Spielautomaten...
Whatever that means.

Foshan Shenghai Aluminum Co., Ltd. has been working since 2006
and already earned the reputation as the leading aluminum profile supplier across China.
But do they shenghai sailors?

The Barnet & Enfield Driving School
aims to be more than just another driving school.
But you'll have to make your way to the UK to hire them.

Cloud9Charts offers a Business Intelligence Platform
for Multi-structured, Unstructured and Structured Data.
But you'll have to provide the data.

Operation Enduring Digitarti is the story of how one,
no talent poet and grammatically-challenged
aspiring novelist, attempted and almost became,
the most famous writer in the history of the world.
 
Never mind, I wrote that book.

What? Why do you think I keep these poems in the Lost and Found? 

Please continue reading Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 17.

A Poem For President Donald Trump

Again And Again

Wash your hands before you eat--
no telling what's been on them.
Watch for things there in the deep,
so vulgar you'll adore him.
Left inside their bitter ranks
trying to tune in
to look inside with little thanks
and write their verse again.

Never seen a hyperlink poem before? Go back a click on each of the linked words to see what is hidden there. But do it quickly before the links rot away.

Well, Almost

Amazing

Up in smoke, caught in the act,
the story never told,
imaginary friends are never fact
and amazing must grow old.

The Treehouse

I had lots of treehouses as a kid in the 1960s. As there was a development of new stick built homes going in just next door to where I grew up there was always enough scrap lumber and spilled nails left strewn about that any kid in my neighborhood who wanted a treehouse could build one. Sometimes groups of kids would even go in together and build connecting treehouses that went from one backyard to the next.

But times change, neighborhoods change, and construction techniques change. Sometime in the 1980s, prefabricated construction became the norm and stick built homes were left to custom builders, and few and far between.

It was some years back I was dating this young waitress who worked at the Alpat Restaurant on Bessemer Avenue in Greensboro. As a mother of 3 children and only recently divorced she was obviously wary of men but she was looking and had my attention.

Most of my life I had avoided women with children simply because I already had a huge child support payment to pay each month and couldn't afford any more mouths to feed, but as my child support days had ended not too long before then I thought I might could afford to become slightly braver.

Her kids weren't too awfully screwed up considering what she and others had told me about their father, and one of the girls even liked me. The other kids were doing the wait and see thing.

In time the younger kids expressed a desire for a tree house. I suggested they build one like we did when I was their age but after accessing the situation I realized these children had neither the materials, tools, nor skill set necessary to build a tree house.

So I decided to build them a treehouse they would never forget.

I began with an oak shipping pallet that had been previously used for some sort of heavy machinery. The smallest boards on it were 3" thick. It was 4' wide and 6' long. I couldn't lift it so the guys at the warehouse where I got it loaded it on the bed of my pick-up with a fork-life. That would be the floor.

Then I stacked a bunch of regular sized oak pallets on top of it and went to work.

At the end of the first day I had built a 4' x 6' building on the ground at some distance from the tree I intended to place it in. Like I said, I couldn't even pick up the floor, much less an entire tree house.

On the second day I made a trip to a nearby building supply where I bought two 16' pressure treated 4"x4" posts, some big bolts, nuts, washers, one 8' pressure treated 4"x4" post and lots of really thick rope, along with a few feet of steel cable and a couple of cable clamps. Oh, and I picked up a steel pipe from the fencing department along with 2 U-bolts to use as a fireman's pole for quick exits.

I cut the eight foot 4'x4' in half and planted both pieces in the ground in line with the big tree I intended to secure the treehouse to. I drilled holes in both ends of both of the 16' 4"x4' and bolted them to the treehouse and the short post so that the bolts could act as pivots.

Then I put my ladder up against another big tree behind the tree I planned to attach the treehouse too and chained a block and tackle to that tree, being sure to run one end of my rope through the block and tackle.

I then tied one end of the rope to the back of the treehouse and the other end to the trailer hitch on the back of my pick-up truck.

Easiest thousand pounds or so I ever lifted. And the two 16' poles anchored to the ground guided the treehouse exactly to where it needed to go. All I had to do next was move my ladder and secure the treehouse with the steel cable.

To say the kids were impressed was an understatement. The entire school bus was cheering that day. No one believed I could put that treehouse in the trees without a crane. Kids came from all over the neighborhood to see it. Ever her older kids with the wait and see attitude were beginning to see.

As for their mom? That was the end. She decided she preferred men who could buy treehouses over men who built treehouses. It was probably the wise thing for her to do.