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Showing posts from February, 2017

Cheap Planter Boxes

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Everyone in my family tried to tell me these steel
boxes would never work for growing vegetables.
"Steel gets too hot," they all insisted time and time again. "The plants will all burn up."

But I knew better. I tried to explain that I could cover the boxes, but "No, they're made of steel, the plants will get too hot."

You see it's not the heat in-so-much as it is the water. Most vegetables love heat. Tomatoes, peppers and tomatillos are all tropical plants. They can handle a lot more heat than they'll ever get here in the north central piedmont of North Carolina as long as you see to it they always get plenty of good clean water.

So early last Spring I put 4 of the ugly steel boxes
in the garden and successfully grew peas, beans,
cucumbers, tomatoes, tomatillos, and peppers in them.

A couple of weeks ago Momma decided she would like to have a wooden rectangular planter on her back porch.

As I had one more steel box that wasn't in use I…

Damned Kids These Days

I often hear people complaining about their kids now days and think how lucky you are to have them. You see, I outlived my son so I've no kid to complain about anymore.

But there was a time. Like when I sold my prized 1978 Harley Davidson Superglide after having bought it the same year my son was born so that my just turned 18 year old son would have money to go to college.

You see, I'd dreamed of leaving that bike to him someday when it was a whole lot older and a lot more valuable. Talk about cool, the date of manufacture stamped on the neck on my hog was the exact same day my son was born. How many kids would ever grow up to get a hog born the same day they were born? But I'd come upon hard times and so wanted his life to turn out better than mine.

So what did he do? He decided he didn't want to go to college and used the money for other things. You know, like 18 year old kids do.

But I couldn't be mad at him no matter how hard I'd tried.

You see, I'd used th…

Where Breathing Is Optional?

Air Tight
In a vacuum
one can hear no sounds,
hear a heart felt voice,
see a world where love abounds
and people have a choice.

In a vacuum
no one hears your screams
or reaches out a hand.
No one comes to pull you back
and help you understand.

In a vacuum
there is no way out
except to go back in
to the place that gave you all your doubts
and finally...
in a vacuum.

Trucks From My Past: Part 6

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Continued from Trucks From My Past.

Modern International TranStars are day cab conventional road tractors built for local use but years ago,  Transtar was the name of International's top of the line over the road tractor.

The orange truck pictured is a 1970 CO 4070A. Most 4070As came with 2 stroke Detroit Diesel engines. The only 4070A I ever drove was equipped with a questionable 350 horsepower 8V-71 Detroit with 2 turbochargers on top of the GMC blower and a Roadranger RTO 910 Ten speed overdrive transmission. And while the truck was capable of running in excess of 100 miles per hour when empty there was simply no need in the overdrive as I never got to use it when loaded. Fact is: that engine would have made a great boat motor but it simply didn't work in a truck.

In those days we referred to those old 2 stroke V8 Detroits as double breasted Yamahas and water trucks as you carried the water up the hill and poured it on down the other side if you expected to get over the nex…

Two Eagles Talking

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"Did you know they almost picked turkeys to be their national birds?"

"You're kidding, right?"

"Kidding? Naw, I'm surprised those turkeys didn't go through with it."

Get the best of Two Eagles Talking at... Who the hell am I kidding? Like anyone wants to read any more of these bird brained jokes.

Photo credit: Eagle Totem

Linking A Poem Together

Days Old Dreams
As the sun slides o'er the mountain
and we read the daily muse
the monster rots upon the beach
and lovers live in zoos,
we live for our entitlements
entertained but not in peace,
dreaming of an island
our days old...

Sadly, like all hyperlink poems, the pictures behind the linked words will someday fade away, and what was once said will be lost like days old dreams never realized.

Death To The Fat Kid

No Hope For Gordito

At a Taco Bell deep in the dell,
Gordito waited there
knowing soon, the fries would come.
He waited in despair.

Salsa would flow, he had to know
but still, he held is ground,
his hope he'd keep
in ground up meat
left scattered all around.

And so it is, amazingly,
the fast food wars rage on,
never winners, only losers
as the fries keep marching 'long.

The Fast Food Wars are made possible with support from Barridog! And a few folks who would rather we not mention their names.

What Real Men Meant To Say?

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Winston-Salem, NC-- Women's rights activists
nationwide are angry about a billboard along
Interstate 40 near Winston-Salem that seems to
imply that women be silent and appreciate,
regardless  of whatever circumstances, their role
as non-providers. But according to sources
contacted by Wackemall Network News, the
message that is printed on the billboard was
never supposed to be there in the first place.

According to Billy Jones, Director of Marketing for Wackemall Media, Mining, Manufacturing, Farming & Transportation... the message was supposed to read,


"Real men wackemall Real women wackemall too"

"I's a simple message," Mr Jones remarked, "But we often have problems with the companies we hire not understanding what wackemall means, and thinking they know better when the definition of wackemall is on our website.

Bill Whiteheart, president of Whiteheart Outdoor Advertising, who owns the billboard, did not comment as to Mr Jones' claim th…

Snowbirds

Penguins
Let's waddle 'long across the snow
to swim where others dare not go.
We'll not forget what we don't know
while showing off to those below...
As if we were only penguins in the snow.

All That Glitters...

21st Century Gold Rush
Fractured nights, bygone delights
now burning in the fires--
our hopes and dreams, the in-between
all tossed upon the pyre.
Each passing day, the kings all say,
will bring more to their coffers
of the menace, gold, we now behold
the ever dwindling offers.

But Then Again, Who Knows?

We have brains and intelligence greater than that of other animals for a reason. I would like to think that reason is so that we might overcome the law of the jungle, and those other than the strong might not only survive, but prosper.

Two Eagles Talking

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"You know they still think voting can get them out of this mess?"

"But isn't voting what caused them so much trouble to begin with?"

"Yeah, they'll never figure it out."

Get the best of Two Eagles Talking at... Well, if you haven't figured out how hyperlinks work by now then you sure as hell don't need to be voting.

Photo credit: Eagle Totem

Parking Meter Beach Bums

Paying To Park Your Surfboard?

You think it's kind of crazy?
Perhaps just out of reach?
Well what if I should tell you
we now control the beach?

Well, I guess that explains the parking meter swimsuit competition they had a while back. Stay tuned to WNN (Wackemall Network News) for all the latest parking meter updates.

Divorce: The Final Straw

So she got the house. I could deal with that. And the new car. I expected that to happen all along. Custody of the kid? It was the 1970s, the women always got custody of the kids back then. But when I heard her lawyer telling the judge she should also get my brand new Harley... Well it was at that point I started thinking I had better start speaking up for myself. "Your Honor Sir, can you imagine what the consequences might be if a man were to walk out of a bar and see some guy riding his ex wife around on a Harley-Davidson motorcycle the man is still making payments on? Why I can't imagine what..."

"That will be quite enough," the judge interrupted.

"But your Honor..."

"Another word and I'll have you thrown in jail," the judge interrupted again. "Now sit back down.

I noticed the bailiff moving in my direction so I decided it best that I do as I was told. "Mrs Jones," the judge asked looking at my wife, "is it absolut…

Olivia Newton John Topless On Page 3

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As a rule, Billy's Page 3 Girls appear in the raw, butt naked, fully nude exposing everything they've got but getting big stars like Olivia Newton John to bare it all can sometimes be hard to do. Usually, we shoot them while they're still hungry and unknown and save our photos until they do it as the cost of getting shots of successful starlets can be too much to bear.

Such was the case when we negociated with Olivia's photographer so rather than see nothing at all we thought you might enjoy the beautiful star of Grease, Physical, Precious Love and Heart Attack topless on the lawn. After all, the 4 time Grammy winning granny still has what it takes and to get her to pose for any blog seems like a pretty big deal to us.





What? You thought you'd actually find nude photos of the real Olivia Newton John online? Get real, the chic's got class. Why I'd bet even John Revolting Travolta couldn't pull her top off.

Update: This just in! We have just learn…

Why The System Will Always Fail Us

It doesn't matter how smart you are or how many times you're right, if you don't have a bunch of letters at the end of your name they'll make you out to be a crack pot. Those with letters even get paid to be wrong.

You see, none of those respectable, lettered people are willing to admit they spent years and thousands of dollars investing in a failed system. Conservative or Liberal, they'll fight to maintain the system until it kills us and them too.

That's the only option the system allows them other than being branded crack pots and cast out to live like the rest of us live.

Fast Food Is A Blast!

Under The Awning

“I’m open late night,”
she reached to take my hand,
“Banana splits, I’m open wide.”
A cream slush, she had planned.

“Sorry Dear, you’re not my type.
See, I prefer Sweet Tea.”
“Tots or fries,” she whispered then.
She’d not give up on me.

Burrito waited just inside.
It was him I came to see.
“Five for five after five on Tuesdays,”
Burrito, he told me.

A coney in the back room,
a shrimp, a jumbo too,
I waved my hand at Burrito.
He knew just what to do.

I made my drive thru the window
when Burrito fired his Sonic Blast!
We left that joint a pile of slush,
their morning drinks their last.

And as we sped away
the Ched ‘R’ Peppers played Salsa on my radio.

This has been yet more exclusive Wackemall News Network coverage of the Fast Food Wars-- news made possible without the help of Bank of America.

Sunset On The Dali Lama's Head

Blinding Reflections
I asked the Dali Lama
but he said he'd not been there.
He knew not how to save the world,
let alone, his hair.
The gene had no wishes left,
interpretation had begun;
a twisted sight, I turned away
to watch the setting sun

Parking Meter Swim Suit Competition?

Swim Meet
Come on in the parking's fine,
your meter waits and it's got time.
Put in a quarter, perhaps a dime
and swim the city streets.

Welcome to Parking Meter Poetry, poems to help you park.

Free Concrete

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The Greensboro Craigslist is loaded with lots of free stuff just waiting for anyone to come by and
pick it up at no charge. Take for example this free concrete someone lost in nearby Burlington, North Carolina. Don't pay to haul your garbage away, give it away on Craigslist and let someone else do all the work.

Oh, and they forgot to add, "Must take all" so they must be new to this sort of thing.

Lost something, found something? Check the Wackemall Lost and Found, you never know what just might be there.

What They Don't Want The Poor To Know

Monopoly
Those who dared to ride the waves
lie tombed on ocean floors
from living life in circles
and knocking down the doors.
For life's a big monopoly
the hungry cannot win,
cannot pass go, cannot collect
and must play to the end.

Twist The Throttle!

Not Today
The rutted trail leads
to the sky,
to places deep
and days gone by.
Like moths to light
we know the way,
visions sleek
but not today...
Today, I ride!

Canned Wackemall Found In Abandoned Greensboro Mine

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Greensboro, NC-- For over a century it was believed that canned Wackemall was a myth, but when researchers for Wackemall University told Wackemall Media, Mining, Manufacturing, Farming & Transportation... Production Supervisor Billy Jones, learned about the rusty old can his crews had found in a previously sealed shaft of the old Wackemall mines deep under Greensboro, North Carolina, Mr Jones immediately had the can and its contents taken to the guys in the white coats in Wackemall Labs in nearby Ramseur, North Carolina.

What they found in that can proved a century old myth to be based in fact. There was a time when Wackemall was successfully canned and shipped without refrigeration, additives, preservatives, or artificial flavorings. The contents of the century old can was 100% pure, liquid Wackemall.

While the shipping and storage of liquid Wackemall has been going on for years, doing so without refrigeration, additives, preservatives, or artificial flavorings had long since be…

Is It Bankster Season Yet?

Taking It Back
With bankster hunts we eat the rich
and those who served them well.
The lobbyist die all horrid deaths
then ride the train to Hell
Politicians scream, "Will tax for food"
while holding cardboard signs
When that day comes, we get it back
and end these "modern times."

Who Knows Where

Journey
Listen as you walk the path
to where you dare not go.
Watch your step lest ye see
the things you dare not know.

FTW

Just OnceJust once I think my time has come,
just once, I think I see
I've given all I have to give.
Just once, take care of me...
or get the hell out of my world!

Rx For Rx: The Never Ending Saga

Pills And Bills
Pills and bills, pills and bills--
you take more pills you get more bills.
You get more bills to cause you pain
then take more pills to start again.
Pills and bills, pills and bills...

Trucks From My Past: Part 5

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Continued from Trucks From My Past.


There were two Mack trucks in my past. One of them looked very much like this F Model cab over except that the one I drove wasn't as fancy and didn't have a 5 gallon bucket on top of the exhaust stack.   

Just so you know, buckets are sometimes placed over stacks to keep the rain out. The rain won't hurt anything but it sure makes a mess of a clean truck when all that water washes the grime from the inside of the stack and then blows straight up, only to fall straight back down on top of the truck the instant the truck is started. Call me lazy, but I always figured that if the boss was too cheap to buy a $10 flapper or a turn-out to install on the top of the stack then I sure as hell wasn't going to begin and end each day by climbing up and down to put a bucket on top.

You could order a Mack with any kind of engine and transmission you wanted but like most, mine was powered by a 237 horsepower Maxidyne engine, 5 speed Mack Maxitorq…

They Change

I used to buy the cartoon character Band-Aids for my son's scrapes and cuts as he always loved them. If I didn't stop him he would use them when he had no wounds. Then, one day while working in the yard he cut his hand so I told him to go inside, wash himself up and get a Band-Aid.

He went in but came back out saying we didn't have any Band-Aids.

I went inside, picked-up the box of cartoon character Band Aids and handed them to him saying, "Yes, we do, try these."

"But Dad," he moaned, "I'm sixteen years old. I can't wear these."

That was over 20 years ago...I buried him in December of 2012.

The Ice Cream Truck Plays Dixie

I doubt the little Hispanic lady who drives the ice cream truck knows the lyrics as she barely speaks English herself. But each afternoon one of the four ice cream trucks that comes through my primarily African-American neighborhood plays the tune to Dixie on its recorded electronic chimes. She's probably happy the boss lets her keep her job. I doubt the little black children who run out to get ice cream know the tune either but there it is just as clear as Senator Jessie Helms singing it in the halls of the United States Senate.

Of course, the truck's PA also plays The Battle Hymn Of The Republic, aka John Brown's Body, the perennial favorite, Old McDonald Had A Farm and Little Brown Jug-- yet another tune that might concern well meaning parents if the kids knew the lyrics.

Or the song, Ten Little Injuns, a not so complimentary minstrel song about John Brown, whose actions at Harpers Ferry escalated tensions and helped bring about the American Civil War. Ten Littl…

Talking Pictures

A Daze In The Life
We woke up early morning
to catch a passing train
staring out the window
as the past came back again.
We looked to see a mansion
'neath the distant hills
and as the story grew in pages
as we stopped to eat our fill.
We stared long at a picture
as it was staring back
and then the picture told us,
"The Universe is cracked!"

Trucks From My Past: Part 4

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Continued from Trucks From My Past.

If there was ever a truck I hated it was the Freightliner in every way, shape and form that I have ever seen,

The first Freightliner trucks were reconstructed Fageol trucks built in the garages at Consolidated Freightways in Portland, Oregon. Unhappy that none of the trucks they could buy at the time could carry their heavy loads over the Rocky Mountains, Consolidated Freightways turned the Fageol into the bare bones truck they needed to get the job done.


And bare bones they remained for many years. 
In 1951, CF made arrangements with White Motor Company to distribute their trucks nationwide and they became known as White Freightliners. The last truck I drove was a late '90s model Freightliner conventional pulling 53' trailers much like the one in the photograph from Wikipedia to the right. It was even the same shade of red.

I hated that truck!

I mean I hated that truck!

In the 1980s I drove a Freightliner cab over engine very much like th…

Burning Dreams

If my pillow could collect my dreams I'd burn it every day. Living a nightmare once is enough.

Activism 101

Death By Insult
Out of time and into space
I tried to save the human race
but you cannot save a sinking ship
firing insults from the hip.

Hey, I was Young Once

Doing It
When you do it inter-species
you're doing it to tease.
When you do it all alone
you do it in the trees.
It may be insignifcant
that you tumble to the sea
but when you do it wackamall
you're doing it to please.

Bow-wow, Woof-woof...

Incessant Barking
Sometimes I wonder
why I pen these words
no one reads
and quite absurd
like a yapping little dog...

The Message Is Hidden In The Links

Tiny Travels
I see you, do you see me?
flying off to someplace free,
in our tiny house we love to roam
the Universe 'fore it's all gone.

Politics In America

In America, politics have become the new religions and the parties are the cults. All of them.

Texas Toast Ain't From Texas?

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Cleveland, Oh-- Reporters for Wackemall                  
Network News have discovered a fake. The
question is: Who's faking it? Texans, New
Yorkers, or a handful of folks hiding out in Ohio?

While some claim that Kirby's Pig Stand in Beaumont, Texas is the home of the original Texas Toast, T. Marzetti Company claims their New York Brand of Texas Toast, first made by the Penn family's New York Bakery, first located in New York City and later moved to Cleveland, to be the "Original Thick Sliced Texas Toast"

On the back of the package it reads:

"Our Beginnings Over 50 years ago, the Penn family moved their small family bakery from New York to Cleveland and continued to specialize in the crusty, chewy-textured, hearth-baked breads that are still popular in Europe today. Over time, the Penn family created the New York Brand line of Texas Toasts..."

Representatives from Kirby's Pig Stand and the Penn Family were both unavailable to respond to our quest…

How Revolutionaries Are Created

The Case Of The Missing Poet

They wondered what became of him,
where had he been all of this time,
what happened to his witty verse,
his prose and lyric rhyme.
They questioned was he still alive
and what was on his mind
while all the while he had become
an armed Tyrannicide

killing all who'd crossed his pen...

Where Does The Beast Hide?

The Beasts Come Out At Night
Midnight brings the savage beast,
morning calls it home.
Its soul, crying for release
from the misery it has known.
And be it beast or be it man,
it knows no other way
than to kill for its survival--
to live but one more day.
Then it licks its wounds and cries,
lashing out at those who would save it.

Because Sometimes, There's Nothing Better To Do...

Gadfly
Five Dollar shrinks,
life in the sink
and dancers dressed in white
are letters tossed
and style not taught
and seldom find delight.
Or something like that...

Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 15

Covert Security
uses CCTV Intelligent surveillance cameras to create a ROI
but cannot evaluate any investment.

almara cabinates
can provide beautiful custom made cabinates
to customers in Melbourne... Australia.

Crabvision specalizes in shootings;
family and children, beach shootings, interior,
and private consultations.

"Google Inc. is associated with ~19,127 other domains"
And yes, you really can verify that
with no more than a Google search.

Baby Street doesn't sell babies.
My Random Link Generator finds all sorts of things,
but won't help me find my glasses.

And finally, most of you have no idea what this is about.


Please continue reading Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 16

Sarah Palin Nude On Page 3

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A  Wackemall Page 3 Girls exclusive, none other than former beauty queen, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin in all her natural beauty, a Page 3 girl known far and wide because of her failed bid to become vice bitch doe in the 2008 United States Presidential elections. Ladies and gentlemen (and hockey moms too) I give you the infamous and world's sexiest pit bull in red lipstick, Ms Caribou Barbie!






Photo courtesy of Alaska Department of Fish and Game.

Speaking of game, passed over as VP, missed out on the Alaska Senate seat, the former VP hopeful is looking a bit gamely herself. (Or is that gamey?) Perhaps the Republican Party should give her back all those expensive clothes so she can wear them for her next Presidential bid-- her final rutting of Washington, so to speak.

Made possible without support from McDonald's Hamburgers.

Meanwhile, At Ground Zero

Ground Zero-- This just in: Wackemall News Network is reporting that the Burger King has resorted to terrorist attacks and the Red Headed Clown has promised all out war!

Ronald Vows Revenge
Reese's pieces cover the floor.
Ice Cream, she slowly melts.
Ronald looks 'round the room and screams,
"It's the hand I have been dealt!"
Fries, they looted everything
and took it all away.
Ronald shouts, "I'll fry them all!
For this, the world will pay!"

Preemption was his battle plan,
"I'll show them who's the clown!
Before I'm done they all will run
or I'll burn them to the ground!"
And so it was he set about
to rid the world of these,
and to the clown they all bow down
in efforts to appease.

Get exclusive embedded coverage of the Fast Food Wars only at... Well actually, you're already here. And so is the clown...

Does Size Matter?

Being that Valentines Day is tomorrow I thought I'd pass along some advice to young lovers.

Take it from someone who knows from experience. The first year we were together I gave my wife an 8' tall Valentine card. She was really impressed. But then when I couldn't do bigger the next year I never heard the end of it.
And despite the fact that I spent weeks working under a magnifying glass to make her the world's smallest valentine card the next year she was not at all impressed.
Size matters, start small and work your way up.

Lame Stream Media Spins Parking Meters

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Washington, DC. Are parking meters trying to destroy the world? That's the claim of some media outlets. But we went directly to the source to find out and here's what a spokesmeter had to say,

Meters Standing For Truth
They claim we want to destroy you.      
Well that just isn't true.
The main stream media's at it again--
there's nothing they won't do.
It's true, we're really self aware
We're really out to save the world
from the awful things you do.
Besides, who would feed us
if it were not for you?

Is it true? Is the main stream media really trying to spin a war against lowly and always polite parking meters who work every day of their lives until the day they die? From the looks of the linked articles it sure looks that way. Stay tuned for the latest parking meter updates here on the Wackemall News Network.

Photo SaveNature.org.

This Cat Named Cupid

There was this cat named Cupid,
rode a hog, a forty-eight.
And when this dude, he came to town
the chics all thought him great.
He came to town, but once a year,
but his shots rang all year long,
an when he rode off to the west
the girls all chased along.

His hog, it was a classic,
an' Cupid, he was too.
He said, “Sixty-one inches is enough
when you learn to make do.”
He carried 'round a little bow
'an shot these cute pink darts
that made their way across the bar
to prick the ladies hearts.

The chics said, “Baby, baby.”
Sometimes, the dudes did too,
but Cupid didn't go that way.
Well maybe, just a few.
But he built his reputation
with an aim so straight, and true,
'cause even when he missed, he hit.
Did he take a shot at you?

The chics, they all adored him.
At night, they'd yell his name.
The dudes, they thought he was okay,
an' some would do the same,
but even as they yelled his name
they'd say, “Man you're so cool,”
except this one cat no one like…

Dummies

We're all dumb once. The smartest ones are only dumb once.

Two Of The Best Times In My Life

Daddy teaching me how to shoot a gun when I was 10 and teaching my son how to shoot a gun when he was 10. I wish I could relive both experiences 100 times over. Remembering my Daddy telling me I was a straight shooter and remembering the look on my son's 10 year old's face when my telling him he too was a straight shooter, turned a concerned face into a huge smile. Nothing says family like that.

Or the look on his face when I gave him his first .22 Ruger Ranch Rifle and later his Remington 870 Wingmaster 12 gauge-- 2 guns I never felt I could afford for myself but bought for him instead.

Never is the bond stronger than right then. Fathers and sons don't have enough of those kinds of experiences.

If I could only have those experiences again. If only all of us could...

My son is gone now and never will there be grandchildren to take his place. If you get the chance don't waste it...

Every Poem Is An Experiment In...

Absurd
Reflections on the water
mirror all we cannot see
for in the end, when we don't conform,
we find we're still not free.
So as the rabbit walks away
having spoken confusing words
be still and ponder what was life
before it was absurd.

What Was Once Verses Is Now Vices

Do I really need explain?

The Casey Jones Express

Not all of my trucking exploits where bad. Once, while running a team operation pulling coast to coast doubles and occasional turnpike triples my co-driver whose last name was Casey and I, Jones, would pull stunts like say fast forward voice mail recordings that allowed us to leave longer messages on voice mail. (Record your message on a pocket tape recorder then play back into the phone at high speed.) And because we consistently out performed every other team the company employed, we were soon dubbed, The Casey Jones Express, after the fictional railroad engineer of such fabled speed and skill.

One of Casey's hobbies was photography-- especially staged photography. One of Casey's previous tricks was imposing a picture of the world's largest twins dressed in bikinis from on the cover of a popular tabloid magazine, to make them appear as if one of the guys we worked with had posed with his arms around them while leaning up against his truck. We then dropped that o…

Dozens

Funny, I used to pen dozens of poems a day, now it's a poem in dozens of days... And it really makes no difference; it's still all I can write.

Words, Thoughts, And Memories Forgotten

When Ignorance Isn't Bliss

So few words need not express
so much we dare not say.
So few thoughts need not be thought
to lead us far astray.
So few memories can be forgot
like those we need no more
until they all come rushing back
and the three we can't ignore.

Puppy Tails?

Puppy #1: "I'm bored."
Puppy #2: "Yeah, let's blow this joint!"
Puppy #3: "Did you say, joint?"
Guy with camera: "I wonder what the puppies are thinking?"
Woman in background: "They're thinking you're an idiot and wishing you'd take them back to the pound."
Guy with camera: "Bitch."
Woman in background shouts: "What did you say?"
Guy with camera: "I said one of these puppies is a bitch."
Woman in background: "Great, like we need even more puppies."
Puppy #1: "Hey the dude with the camera is pretty funny!"
Puppy #3 "Yeah, why don't we just wackemall?"
Puppy #2 "With what?"
Puppy #1 "Our tales!"

How it Really Went Down

Itsy-Bitsy Spider
The itsy-bitsy spider
went up the water spout...

I think you know the rest.

Answers To Questions I Haven't Thought Of

Instant Knowing

I'd think in an instant
if I just had the time,
write all the poems
if I just had the rhymes.
I'd own the whole world
if I just had the space,
fix every problem
if I'd parts to replace.
I'd look to the future
if I had the knack,
count all the stars
if I could keep track.
I'd do every thing
I've wanted to do
if I only remembered...
If I only knew.

Alex Borstein, Hot Chick On Page 3

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This week’s hot page three girl is none other than the drop dead gorgeous Alex Borstein, AKA: Alexandrea Borstein, AKA: Miss. Swan of MadTv.

Ms. Borstein starred in Kicking & Screaming, Catwoman, The Lizzie McGuire Movie, Showtime, Coyote Ugly, and more. She was also one of the original Gilmore Girls.

Rather than appear in the nude as most of our models prefer to do, the unassuming yet still sexy, Miss. Swan is seen relaxing in her tight black swimsuit near the edge of a pond, enjoying the soft grass and warm sun. Wouldn't you like to be the one who strokes and preens her feathers?





To learn all the dirt on Miss Swan, check out AlexBorstein.com.

Free Downtown Parking On Fridays!

Greensboro, NC-- In what can only be described as an incentive to shoppers and downtown business owners alike, reporters for Wackemall Network News have learned that the Greensboro City Council is now allowing free parking on Fridays. Here's what one parking meter had to say about it,

The Meter Sez,

"What? You think I'll talk?
I'll never say a word.
My best advice:
Read each word twice
to be sure of what you heard.
Don't try to ignore me
or I'll call a cop
and when he gets finished
you'll wish you'd not stopped."


Get the latest Parking Meter Updates right here at.... Who am I kidding, no one wants to read about disgruntled parking meters, you'd all rather fight over things you have no intention of doing anything about. I'm off to work.

A Cry For More Troops

The End Of The Innocence

Wendy tossed a triple in,
their arteries were blocked.
No one would escape this time
their every exit stopped.
The fries, the guys with grease filled eyes,
made good their get-a-way
while the Burger King could only sing
of having it his way.

Popeye strong-armed everyone
who tried to venture out.
Mass destruction on the grill,
the flames they'd not put out.
So as the cheese began to melt
to run upon the ground
we looked to see so warily
no survivors could be found.

Back at the base time can't erase
the misery we saw there.
This dirty war, the need to score,
somehow it don't seem fair.
But neither side, their fears denied,
would give up on the race
and we all knew it would be through
when the sauce, we couldn't taste.

So ends the age of innocence, the mock battles no more with battle lines drawn and players choosing sides to fight the war to end all wars, the Fast Food War. And in a fast food restaurant somewhere, The Eagles can be heard singing,

Just Askin'

Well?
On hidden stairs I made my way
expecting but the worst,
the taste of stone still on my tongue
rewilding, if not terse.
When far above the northern Lights,
they came into my view,
giant spiders seeking prey
and where on Earth were you?

Your Name Is Mud

What you are about to read is a hyperlink poem-- a poem I write based on images I randomly find on the Internet using the Wackemall Random Link Generator and other discovery engines. To fully understand the magic of a hyperlink poem you must click on each link to view the picture that is hidden there. Sadly, images on the Internet don't always last forever and sometimes the meaning is lost.


Meeting The Challenge

Hey, you lookin' at me?
I don't scare easily.
I'll give you some space
up-side your cute face
then send you back out in the road.

Before You Decide To Play The Hero

Knights Can't Go Back
He fights each battle,
meets every blow,
his shield and weapon,
only friends he knows.
His armor tattered, honor tarnished
for failing kings' reputations varnished.
He's old and tired but battles on,
the victories hollow
and dreams of home, of which there is no more.

It's Always The Truck Driver's Fault

I picked up the truck at the company headquarters in Baltimore, Maryland with a trailer loaded for Los Angeles, California to be delivered in two weeks. Since I only needed 5 days to get there I knew that meant I'd be doing a quick drop and hook on the LA/Compton terminal yard and with any luck would get a load straight out to North Carolina.

It was no sooner than I'd shifted into 13th gear for the first time that I noticed the transmission was roaring in a way that Fuller Roadranger transmissions don't usually roar. It was back in the days before cell phones so I took the next exit and found a pay phone. "You don't know what you're talking about," the shop foreman told me rudely. "That's a newly rebuilt transmission and I checked it myself. There's nothing wrong with it. Do you want me to tell dispatch you're just trying to get out from under a load?"

What was I to do? I was out ranked. If I refused to drive the truck I would…

Homeless Parking Meters

Lynchburg, Virginia-- Wackemall Network News has learned that parking meters in Lynchburg, Virginia are complaining that after years of helping the needy, they too my find themselves homeless should the Lynchburg City Council chose to lay them off. Here's what one disgruntled meter had to say,

We're helping out the homeless,
trying to do our part.
We're helping kids and families
to get a better start.
But still, most of you hate us.
You're giving us the blues.
And still you want take us down--
just what are we to do?


Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest Parking Meter News updates.

Seriously, you think we're kidding? This is real news about real live parking meters. This is important stuff! We're not the lame stream media, we Wackemall! Click on the links if you don't believe us.

Until The Story's Sold

Glory Gone By
Save for time, there's not much time
to keep on going on.
Save for truth, there is no truth
for those who do us wrong.
Save for faith, there is no faith
in those who've ruled so long.
Save for glory, there is no glory
until the glory's gone.

Two Eagles Talking

Image
"So I'm perched on this wire outside a bar and this man walks into the bar and he says to the
bartender..."

"What did he say?"

"I don't know, the door closed before he said it."


Get the best of Two Eagles Talking at... Well, that was the link, click it.  

Photo credit: Eagle Totem

Things Aren't Always The Way They Seem

Order On The Farm
Out back in the barnyard
the rooster struts and crows
but when the old hen cackles
that’s when the young cocks know.
Out there in the pasture
the young stud kicks his feet
but it’s when the old mare whinnies
that he runs to meet her bleat.
And so it is with pigs and goats--
the barnyard knows who rules,
and all who think the bull’s in-charge
would be considered fools.

We're Off To See The Wizard

Location undisclosed-- Embedded reporters for the Wackemall News Network have just uncovered a Fast Food War plot to assassinate the King.

Where’s The Beef?

Sir Shakes-A-Lot and The Duke of Doubt
picked up the Burger Thing,
saying, "We're off to see The Wizard of Fries.
We're gonna fry the King."

Mayor McCheese and Grimace
were waiting for them there.
"We're glad you finally came around.
Let's get a breath of air."

The whole night long they plotted--
plotted their revenge.
"The king will wish he'd kept us
and for his sins, BK will singe."

What's that old saying about being careful about who you step on while climbing to the top? Sorry, my memory escapes me now but one thing I do know is that 30 years is a long time to plot revenge. These guys must be really mad. And I'm guessing they know where the beef is.

Debt Sealing

Board Rooms And Back Rooms
Had to happen, we’ve known it for years…
cried every night, shed all the tears.
And now it has happened-- the biggest of fears--
none can stop it 'cause none can get near.
They cry in Washington, cry in New York;
tell us to eat it but don't give us forks.
The guilty, they get up, walk out of court
while innocents are round up with armed escort.
Debt, bonds and interest, just numbers to them
while working class people suffer the sins.
They finally did it, they did us all in
and now they're plotting to do it again.
No matter how you slice it all tastes the same.
The mystery's not how to stay in the game
but how one can kill and not share the blame.
Board rooms and back rooms-- they all smell the same.

Two Eagles Talking

Image
"So this one human looks at the other human and says, "This new President is going to fix everything." And the other human says, "Yeah, just like the last President fixed everything."







Get the best of Two Eagles Talking at... Well, that was the link, click it.

Photo credit: Eagle Totem

Alternative Facts

Alternative Facts will be our end. Right now the left is pointing fingers at Trump for his use of "Alternative Facts" but in time we will see the left begin to use "Alternative Facts" as well, just as Trump uses them, with no concern as to what is really the truth.

I mean, it's not really anything new, both sides have done it for years, it's just that the Trump staff actually gave it a name.

And when "Alternative Facts" become the norm the truth is no more. By the time it all comes crashing down history will be erased and the world will be left to repeat it all again.
And just as it has always been, liberals will blame Trump while refusing to acknowledge their own complicity in our mutual destruction.

Ashes To Ashes, Rust To Rust

Model T Ford
I saw a Model T
parked in this guy’s back yard.
I’m sure he meant to fix it up,
but he hasn’t, not so far.
It’s rusted there for years and years,
‘til all is gone, I fear,
remembering how we turn to rust
the things we hold so dear.

Jehovah's Witnesses

I closed the gate to my privacy fence, stepped into my driveway and leaned my shovel against the fence just in time to catch the attention of a group of Jehovah's Witnesses who were walking past the end of my driveway. As they turned towards me I said, "I don't have time for this, I just beat a guy to death with this shovel."

They looked at me, soaked in sweat and the shovel dripping with blood and no doubt believed me. Their eyes were big as saucers. "Why?" one asked?

"I caught him stealing my eggs," I replied.

"You beat a guy to death for stealing eggs?" asked one.

"Why didn't you call the police?" asked another.

"The cops won't do anything about it," I answered. "Besides, if I call the cops then I have to hold the bastard until they get here and I'm too old for all that long drawn out shit. Might as well kill him and get it over with. Beating him to death took less than a minute and I…

Fast Crimes In Fast Food

Location undisclosed-- A Wackemall News Network exclusive from our journalist embedded somewhere in the Fast Food Wars:

Hot Fresh And Toasted

I walked into the Subway,
Meatball Marinara, he blocked the door.
BMT, he snarled at me,
“Man, what you come here for?”

I growled, “It ain’t your business, Dude.
Now get out of my way.”
The Chicken and Bacon Ranch
were on my mind that day.

I was dreaming ‘bout Sweet Luzianne
when she bares her turkey breast.
You know she ain’t no cold cut
or veggie delights in a dress.

So I loaded up my kid’s pack,
held it to ol’ Meatball’s head,
said, “Get out of my way you fool
or you’ll be stale bread dead.”

“I ain’t no grilled chicken,” he cried,
“but you got the drop on me.
I may be spicy Italian
but Dude, I’ll let you be."

The Subway Club was rockin’ hard
by the time I got there.
The drinks, they were a flowing
and there was tuna in the air.

The Seafood Sensations,
they walked onto the stage.
I know they always ham it up
but those cats are the rage.

Ca…

Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 14

Goomza develops brains
and has smoothing magic creams
that work with stem cell technology.

Otoredi lets you rent cars
instantly in Istanbul.
Without the bull.

Puget Sound Lutheran Schools
have been sharing values and shaping lives since 1899.
And having breakfast.

Grimanesa Amorós is inspired.
She creates work that illuminates our notion of personal identity.
Our notion of personal identity?

MarkMonitor protects brands in a digital world
including the dark web that you cannot afford to ignore,
but cannot find.


Please continue reading Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 15

Dear

It's not that I am all that mean
or even all that vicious.
It's just that when you come near me,
damn, you smell delicious!


Just in case you've never seen one before, the preceding is a link poem that uses linking to photographs to add a 3-D effect to the poetry. By clicking on the link you can fully understand the inspiration for the verse.

Mummy

A mummy a day
keeps the doctor away?

Trucks From My Past: Part 3

Image
Continued from Trucks From My Past.

I once drove this truck just about a mile. I was delivering concrete block to be used in the construction of a special garage in which to store the truck and got to know the owner. The truck was one of only 2 made by Ford Motor Company for the 1964 World's Fair and is the only one remaining. Yes, I know people who know where the truck resides today. No, I won't tell you as the owners haven't expressed any interest in selling or showing the truck as far as I know.


Ford built 2 of these rigs and put them on display as the future of transportation at the 1964 World's Fair. After the fair was over, one of the trucks was taken on a nationwide tour. In 1964, with its ease of entry, completely flat floorboard, spacious walk around interior, 102" wide cab, double trailers, aerodynamic styling and huge field of view it was certainly ahead of its time.

And did I mention it was powered by a turbine engine capable of making more horsepower…

March Of Dimes

It came in the mail,
just one thin dime
and a plea to send it back.
I put it in my pocket
to pay for my snack...

for I was hungry, and I knew no other way.

Bucket List?

Things I've Never Done
Send the lawn out to be mowed
make love middle of the road
stare at mountains in the sky
jump up on my bike and fly
like I'm not afraid to die.
Rob a bank and get away
in the middle of the day...

Parking Meter Reruns

Yes, from time to time we do feature reruns here at Wackemall Network News. Like the time when Parking Meter Poetry written by real, live parking meters from all over the world, was featured by Broken Sidewalk News back in 2012.


Bribing Meters
Parking meters are in the news
fixing broken sidewalk blues.
We're falling for you
and when we do
we're calling in the Feds.

Can you imagine the audacity? How could any two bit government bureaucrat be dumb enough to try and bribe a parking meter?

Things Women Need To Know

All That's Needed

Saw an elderly man
with his wife, I presume,
giving him hell, she filled the whole room.
When he dances with others
he laughs and he talks,
when he dances with her
it's just a quiet waltz...

And she won't understand...

When The Knight Falls

Dragon Killer
"Keep up the good fight,"
the people tell me.
"Slay all the dragons
so we can be free.
We'll always be with you.
You'll always stand tall."
But should I ever err
to them I am small...

And not one of them ever dared to pick up a sword...

Groundhog Day

Image
Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania-- Residents of  the former coal mining town were shocked this morning, when their world famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, used as part of their annual Groundhog Day Holidaze celebration, began shouting in English,

"Stop that, it's early,                
I'm fine in this hole.
Stop please, that hurts,
quit poking that pole.
Stop dragging me out,
I'm a groundhog for Pete's sake;
I can't predict weather,
now give me a break!"

It's not yet clear as to whether the weather will be good or bad or if they even managed to get Punxsutawney Phil out of his hole.

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates on this and other breaking stories