Ol’ Santa runs a sweatshop,
that’s what the papers say.
He never gives the elves time off,
not even Christmas day.
I read it in the paper.
They told it to be true.
I read it in the New York Times.
Oh what are we to do?
So I turned on the TV.
On came the newest flash.
Ol’ Saint Nick got caught
with loads and loads of cash.
They said they would investigate,
call out the CIA.
There’s agents headed north right now.
They’ll get there late today.
They said he is a mean old man
who forces elves to work.
If one should try to leave,
Rudolph hits them where it hurts.
He’ll kick them with his bony hoofs
or stick them with a horn.
They say that he won’t let them leave
and they have all been warned.
They say they are not paid,
that all the elves are slaves.
He works them morning, noon, and night.
He’ll work them in their graves.
It’s seldom that he feeds them
so they must all eat bugs.
They find them in the work shop
underneath the dirty rugs.
They interviewed the Pope in Rome.
He said they’d break all ties.
He said they’d take his sainthood back
if one more poor elf dies.
“It really is a shame,” he said,
“that old Saint Nick is bad.”
Pope John Paul said it troubles him
that the elves are all so sad.
Then they called the President
who said that we’ll send troops.
“It’s time elves had their freedom.
Let’s free them from their coupes.”
He’d go before the UN too
and ask for all their help.
“It’s high time that we set them free.”
He might go there himself.
They sent men there to check him out.
It took so many days.
They occupied the whole North Pole.
It looks like they will stay.
They’re poking all around the place.
There’s no work going on.
Santa says he’ll cancel Christmas
if they’re not all soon gone.
They tried their best to catch him,
then said he’d done no wrong.
It seems it was a big mistake.
The papers are all wrong.
The elves all have nice houses
and drive in brand new cars.
They go out on the town at night
and hang in wee elf bars.
The elves have lots of money
and spend it all so fast.
It seems that elves have got it all
and they’ve got lots of cash.
The papers then admitted
they forgot to check their source.
They blamed it on somebody else.
It’s not their fault, of course.
But then a few days later,
again, we heard bad news.
They said that there are hookers there
to chase away elves’ blues.
I’m not sure I believe it.
It really is quite awful.
I checked the headlines once again,
seems Santa runs a brothel.
The above story written in rhyming verse is an excerpt from my book, Carrot On A Stick. I hope you had fun reading it.