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Showing posts from November, 2016

Biscuitville Under Attack?

Weapons Of Mass Distraction

"Cranberry Orange Muffins," BK was heard to shout,
"they'll use them come the morning.
Of that I have no doubt.
Call Bojangles, call the Clown,
tell them, this time we must act.
For there's no time to figure out..."

Communication interrupted...

Is this the end of the Fast Food War and the world as we know it? Was the Burger King correct, did Biscuitville really use weapons of mass distraction and fire their Cranberry Orange Muffins? Did the King panic and launch a fast food holocaust of his own? Does this mean the Holidaze are over? Forever? Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News to learn the latest. That is, if there is a latest.

Merry Christmas From Greg Way

By Paul Resh

Welcome Thanksgiving and black Friday shoppers. Here at Greg Way and Greg Mart companies we will be staying open all day and all night for your shopping experience, twenty six hours a day to better serve your greedy selves. Well, we the owners and upper management won't be, but our low paid employees will be here to serve you.
We're the only game in town, so, if you can't get it at Greg Way, you don't need it no way.

So take note and relax, because while your stuffing your faces and enjoying time with family and friends...our workers will be here just for you. Thank you and remember to have it your way at Greg Way because rock bottom prices mean rock bottom wages and record profits, and that's just the way we like it.

After all, our employees don't need lives as much as you need more stuff, Our company motto: It's Greg's' Way or the highway.

Chester Dolittle's Christmas Wish

Chester Dolittle, he sawed on his fiddle
thinking it was Christmas Day,
patiently waiting for reindeer to come
and haul Chester's problems away.

See Chester Dolittle was lost in a riddle,
and wrote, "Dear old Santa, please come,
for I've lost my shoes and I'm playing the blues.
I'd walk but I'm too tired to run."

Chester Dolilittle, he sawed on that fiddle
thinking it was Christmas Day,
but Santa'd not come, see Santa's not dumb
for it was the 25th. of May.

Santa Faces Obama Care

By Paul Resh

Santa says he's sorry, but there will be no Christmas this year. To pay for Affordable Care Act premiums he had to lay off 2/3rds of the work force and put the other 3rd on twenty hour work weeks. Half of the 3rd died from over work trying to make up for the lost work force of the other 2/3rds. Now he's worried the Reindeer might starve because he can't absorb the cost of upkeep anymore and those lumps of coal for the bad little boys and girls, well, he needs those for heat. Merry Christmas.

Turkey Posole

Got left over big bird from Thanksgiving or Christmas? Try this rhyming recipe from Billy's Wild Salsa Cookbook, Texmex for Rednecks and the Adventures of the Wild Salsa Gang, which I dream of publishing someday when someone waves some money in front of me.

Sauté onions and chiles.
Add garlic to the tricks,
cook until they're softened,
add left over turkey in a mix
of turkey broth and hominy,
cannellini beans, drained and rinsed.
Add some cumin, oregano,
salt and pepper 'til convinced.
Bring it once upon a boil,
then simmer for an hour.
Then serve your family great big bowls
of leftover turkey power!

May The Holidaze Bring Respite

It's easy to make enemies, harder to make friends and allies. Sadly, being of any particular persuasion doesn't seem to change that part of being human.

May the Holidaze bring respite however briefly.

It's Official, The Holidaze Have Begun

Black Friday Daze
Black Friday, Black Friday, today is the day the customers crush any who get in their way. The bosses are monsters-- won't give us time off for Holidaze weekends with family, or golf.
For twenty-four hours-- all weekend, it seems-- we're stuck in this store in this nightmarish dream; for holidazed shoppers caught under a spell will make us all suffer through this retail hell. 
And so it is, the official beginning of yet another Holidaze season of retail hell, as we deck the halls with worn out retail workers, holidazed shoppers and their infinite casualties. For the latest Holidaze coverage... Well, that was the link, from now until season's end the best and the worst of the Holidaze can be found right here at Wackemall.com.

What? Can you think of a safer place to spend the Holidaze?

Holiday Toast

Turkeys are shaking in their boots.
Pigs are nervous too.
Cranberries are on the way
to meet their Waterloo.
Pumpkins, yes they're really scared;
and even more than most
as families gather knives and forks
and their new guests they toast, roast, boil, fry, filet, fricassée....

What Are We Celebrating?

Bring on the bird,
stuff me with stuffing
and don't forget cranberry sauce.
Pile on potatoes,
lots of gravy--
don't worry 'bout what it might cost.
Cholesterol, no bother Ya’ll,
the doctor will give me more pills.
And fill my plate with pumpkin pie
to give my taste buds a thrill.

Don't Drink The Water

Wild Nights At The Border

The Spicy Chicken Burrito
kicks high up her heels,
her dancing friend, Taco Salad,
offers me a combo deal.
Viva Variety and a Taco
sing with the Supremes,
Big Bell looks at me and shouts,
“Gringo, only in your dreams!”

And so I make a run for the border.

Do You Want To Give Her A Motorcycle Of Her Own?

It's a debate that has been raging on for many years and neither men nor women have agreed on which side is right. I finally gave in to the whining and bought her the bike she wanted. Problem was, every time I tried to teach her to ride, my dog got her tail caught in the spokes and the vet bills were killing me.

Now days we just trailer her bike to events and photograph her posing nude on the seat. Everybody that passes by rubs her head. She's happier that way, no vet bills, and zero maintenance on her motorcycle.

Aliens Invented Legos

Forbidden
The monster train, it comes for us. We long to be safe but safe is but words, penned in another time. We're told there are alternatives but are they not the same? The Internet tells us to shut up but never do we listen. There's proof aliens invented Legos! ¿ɥƃnouǝ pɐɥ ǝʌ,ǝʍ ǝʇıɹʍ ǝʍ op ʍoɥ And go where we're forbidden;
where death is nothing at all. 

This and every hyperlink poem is an experiment. Some work, most fail. The ingredients are found by chance, mixed together to see what happens and the results unknown until the world reads the words and clicks on the links to see what lies hidden in the next dimension. These poems write themselves, take us where they want to go and leave us where they chose to die. How do we write when we've had enough? We don't. The poem will decide.

Holidaze 2016

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Here is a list of holidays for 2016 as taken from TimeAndDate.com. This is what we know as the Holidaze-- the time of year when everything here in the USA comes to a grinding halt and all we do is celebrate. Beginning tomorrow, the celebration officially begins here at Wackemall.com as well.


Believe me, you can have too much of a good thing.

John Wayne's True Grit Coffee

Ever since I was a teenager, every time I drink a cup of coffee, I think of John Wayne in the movie, True Grit. And it's been over 40 years since I last saw the movie. Why is it that one scene where Rooster Cogburn rants about being served a cup of coffee with a spoon in it, left such a bold impression on me?

My Lamest Thanksgiving Poem

I thought that I should pen a poem
about Pilgrims and Mom's pumpkin pie.
Something that would make you smile
or bring a tear to your eye.
Something that will make you laugh
at the turkeys on parade,
but folks, this is all I've got:
Enjoy the holidaze.

And don't eat any raw turkey.

I know, the Holidaze don't officially begin for a few more days but I'm tired of waiting for Big Bird. I've got 5 turkeys in my freezer, why must I wait?

On The Row

Death Row Poets

count not beats
nor syllables haiku,
but only heartbeats, breaths and days
until their time is due.

Politics As Usual?

Why is it, the worst possible decision will be the most likely outcome when politics are involved?

No Hope For Fast Food Warriors

No Fear Of Fries

The Fast Food Mafia came to town.
At least, we saw their faces.
Knowing war would long drag on
in all the familiar places.
Our heroes, they have all been turned,
there's no one left to save us.
And all that we had once held great
is fries we can't discuss.

And so it is, against all odds, coverage of the Fast Food Wars continue here at the Wackemall News Network. Be afraid, be very afraid. And learn how to cook.

Run Freak Run

In Plain Sight
I could do better, though perhaps not today, while dreaming of tomorrow and hiding away. So pick up the pieces and know all is done. We'll fly come tomorrow, but until then we'll run.

History Of Wackemall: Part 56, Publius Cornelius Tacitus

According to Wikipedia: "Publius (or Gaius) Cornelius Tacitus (/ˈtæsᵻtəs/; Classical Latin: [ˈtakɪtʊs]; c. AD 56 – c. AD 120) was a senator and a historian of the Roman Empire. The surviving portions of his two major works—the Annals and the Histories—examine the reigns of the Roman emperorsTiberius, Claudius, Nero, and those who reigned in the Year of the Four Emperors (AD 69). These two works span the history of the Roman Empire from the death of Augustus in AD 14 to the years of the First Jewish–Roman War in AD 70. There are substantial lacunae in the surviving texts, including a gap in the Annals that is four books long."

Tacitus is often quoted as writing:

"The more numerous the laws, the more corrupt the government."

But recent discoveries of some of the missing texts revel that Tacitus actually wrote:

"The more numerous the laws, the more corrupt the wackemall."
This is evidenced not only by the recently discovered texts but by the fact that Wackemal…

Parking Meters To Strike G-8 Summit

This just in: A PMN exclusive, parking meters in Chicago, Illinois are announcing plans to take over this year's G-8 Summit of Industrialized Nations. Here's what one meter had to say.

Just Say NATO

They're coming here from everywhere
and we're sure you think it's great
but we think it's time we got our share
of profits from G-8

We now return you to your regularily scheduled programming.

Ronald Out Of The Closet

Naked Burgers

Ronald screamed, "Enough of this!
This has got to stop.
I'm the only pervert here--
someone call the cops!"

And so the coverage of the Fast Food Wars continue here at Wackemall Network News, a bit dated, but always just in time for a good laugh.

Wackemall.com, where even life itself is satire and parody.

The Canoe

It's old now but I remember when it was brand new. A truck belonging to the company that made it broke down while passing through town so they traded it to me to go towards paying part of their towing and repair bill.

My youngest brother and I snapped it, broke the fiberglass from gunwale to gunwale, all the way across, in the first mile we had it in the water when we paddled it over a waterfall that day. Somehow we managed to straighten the aluminum gunwales, prop the bottom with sticks and sometimes with my feet or a paddle and bale enough water to make it 30 miles to where we were camped before sundown that day. Talk about tired, I don't think we even bothered to eat that night.

When we returned home I repaired it. It's stronger now that it ever was. Not that it can't be broken, it's been broken a hundred times since. Most of the breaks are caused by good Class 2 Whitewater paddlers attempting to paddle Class 4 and Class 5 Whitewater. Try as I might, …

A Man's Gotta Do What A Man...

Poet Gone Bad

There once was a poet;
wrote poems, don't you know it
but his poems were really quite awful.
So he said, "What the hey, I've not got all day
I think I'll go visit the brothel."

He was, after all, a very bad poet...

Things I Found On The Web Today, Part 3

CW Hayden is shaping the future
with sand paper and grinding discs.
The future must be rough.

Columbus4SaleJim will
retrieve a golden home for you.
You'll have to keep it buffed.

The PLANWEL Institute of Science & Technology
leads a path to technology based communities
'cause living with people is tough?

Victorian Homes sells houses
of traditional Japanese design
even if your name is McDuff.

iMove is the leading developer of immersive visual solutions.
You know, spying.
How's that for off-the-cuff?

The Benedictine Sisters
prefer nothing to the love of Christ...
I've had enough.


Please continue reading Things I Found On The Web Today, Part 4

How I Stopped Biting My Nails

I bit my fingernails from childhood until I was almost forty years old. As a child my mother tried concoctions on my nails meant to make me stop but nothing worked. At thirty, after I stopped smoking the habit only got worse. Finally a girlfriend helped to cure me.

You cannot do this alone but you can quit biting your nails on just two weeks the same way I did.

Every time I saw my then girlfriend she would say to me The Rules Of Plumbing:

Hot on the left,
Cold on the right,
shit don't flow uphill.
The boss man's an asshole.
Payday is Friday,
and don't bite your nails.

She also called me every morning and every night we weren't together and made me recite The Rules Of Plumbing with her. And to keep me on my game she made copies of the rules and posted them on both of our bathroom mirrors, refrigerators, kitchen cabinets, televisions and various other places throughout both our homes where I would see the rules often.

I even had copies on the dash of my pick-up and the truck …

Poetry Wet, Burned, Frozen, And Dark

Journey To Antarctica
Stormy seas cashed down on them as we watched the night arrive, knowing an epiphany of you and me was waiting just outside.
The Guardian waited there for us  as Krakatau began to blow.
and red skies loomed low overhead where angels never go.

Chickens Don't Like To Be Held

So when I catch one of my hens I reward her with a handful of cracked corn while I hold her. Some of my hens hate being caught so badly they come back for seconds.

Ship That Crap

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Found in a friend's in-box:


I'm not sure what kind of crap she ordered but it's in the lost and found should anyone be looking for it.

Just The Facts, Ma'am

When facts don't agree with people's preconceived notions and beliefs the people become enraged... 'Tis the biggest hindrance there is to further advancement of the human race and the most dangerous force known to mankind.

Take for example the politician who is good to those he does business with. Corrupt local politicians often stay in office for decades simply because they do a few nice things for connected people in the neighborhoods they serve. They'll never believe him or her corrupt no matter how obvious the evidence. Or the friends of the serial killer who all believed him to be a great guy for many years despite the signs they long ignored because he was always good to them.

Revenge Of The Parking Meter

Park Anywhere You Like

Go on, go on pass me by;
park anywhere you'd like to try.
Save a quarter, save a dime,
make excuses-- you're short on time.
But you'll find out on down the road
and cry you will, when your car is towed.

Time To Ride

Kickstands Up

Kickstands up, it's time to go,
twist the throttle, let her roll!
Go in hard, no need for brakes,
everyday worries and past mistakes.
The ride's the future, the ride's the now--
from here to there and back somehow.
And come tomorrow when all is done
we'll ride again, man and machine as one.

You'll Know When You've Got It

Compulsion
I once knew a poet named, Billy,
who wrote poems that were really silly.
Folks liked him a lot when he was quite hot
but now he just writes willy-nilly.

wil·ly–nil·ly
1: by compulsion : without choice  -Merriam-Webster

Things I Found On The Web Today, Part 2

Back Porch Rubber Stamps?
Some black market for forgery
or meeting the needs of Congress?
I guess we'll never know?

Farm Calibrations allows one
to grow crops as easy
as turning a dial.
Show me the dial on my tomatoes.

Adult Friend Finder
is full of swingers
who want to have discreet relationships.
So they advertise?

The World Football League
has moved.
But where could they have gone?
Mars? The Moon?

The Centre for Counterintelligence and Security Studies
offers classes in how to be a spy
and maintains a linked database of spies?
It appears intelligence isn't so bright.

Hartbright Editorial Services is a network of publishing experts
who solicit customers with long, drawn-out sentences
written by "word people".
Go figure?

The List of Bests
is full of all the best of everything
and anyone can make a list.
Put me down for poetry, will you?

Please continue reading Things I Found On The Web Today, Part 3

Not So Friendly Skies

Yesterday I flew via a beautiful white and very fast, private jet from Greensboro, NC. to Louisville, KY. The pilot, while very apt at flying, apparently hadn't fully grasped aerial navigation so we flew just a few feet above the traffic on the highways below us. I had to read the atlas and point out the highway signs to her. Now I know why I was the only passenger aboard a free flight.

Why do I dream this crap? And that landing in the hotel parking lot...

Kintsukuroi: Repaired With Gold

I've been seeing a lot about the Japanese art of Kintsukuroi of late, a process via which broken pottery is repaired with gold or silver and believed to be more beautiful than it was before it was broken. Beautiful as it is it still can only be admired and not used. But being of a utilitarian and practical sort, I cannot help but wonder if perhaps any repair that returns a vessel to use once again is every bit as beautiful.

Especially when that vessel is a broken heart.

Sad But True

Why Write Poetry?

A poem a day
keeps boredom away
but won't do a thing for your wallet.

Chicken Poetry?

Little, The Chicken

Little was a chicken who chose to fly the coop. "I’ll not be some man’s breakfast, sold for pennies-- dirty loot. I’m off to see the world, make my own way, save my life..."
The other chicken’s only stared.
So Little, he flew farther than chicken’s ever go. A new world lay before him but little did he know the butcher’s axe he need not fear for Little was a crow.

Things I Found On The Web Today Part 1

I came across a company named, Saddlebags,
that sells belts, buckles and jewelry
but no saddlebags.
I thought it strange.

Another website talked of
bipolar disorder highlights
as if it's something great.
I thought them deranged.

The endangered species update
was last updated 3 years ago
and finally got round to telling us.
Talk about a change.

The army uncovered
Mexico's largest marijuana plantation.
As if you could really hide 300 acres.
Maybe it was inside a grange?

Then there was the Alien Foundation
where UFOs have valet parking
and they serve artificial liver to their guests.
I think I'll abstain.

A company called NeoHire
can help you get a neojob
and you don't have to be a neocon.
Neos all sound the same.

There was  the Great Outdoor Depot
where everything's kept inside
waiting for you to place your orders
from your home, home on the range.

'Tis a strange thing, this thing we call the world wide web.


Please continue reading Things I Found On The Web …

Billy's World's Smallest Crystal Balls

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Ever wish you could always know the future but your crystal ball is too big, too heavy and too fragile to carry in your pocket? You won't have those problems with Billy's World's Smallest Crystal Balls. Look, is that a light at the end of the tunnel?

To the dismay of the Greensboro, North Carolina City Council, Billy has successfully displayed his balls in public meetings to determine the outcome of council decisions before the council ever voted. On the other hand, Wooley says Billy's balls only work in rear view.

Either way, Billy's World's Smallest Crystal Balls put smiles on faces when you whip yours out in front of a crowd and start predicting the future even if you're wrong. Makes a great gag gift too! Add one to your shopping cart for just  $2.oo. Free with any other order.

Fast Food Goes Macabre

Texas Chain Saw Deli?

Jason's Deli came to town,
his chain saw at his side.
Forty years they'd held him down--
no more him they'd deride.
Muffalettas, he would throw at them;
chop them into tiny grits,
cover them in Wraps,
and fire roast their Tortilla bits.

Is it any coincidence that Jason's Deli was founded in 1976, just after the Texas Chain Saw Massacre took place in 1974? Is it coincidence that Jason's Deli just happens to be headquartered in none other than Beaumont, Texas?  Has Jason been hiding in plain sight for the last 40 years. What's really in the "organic" food Jason serves? And why did Jason's Deli delete their blog? Are they hiding something?

Find out as exclusive coverage of the Fast Food Wars continue right here on Wackemall Network News made possible with support from Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing, Farming & Transportation... Wackemall.com, Leading no one, making nothing, and going nowhere fast....

In The Key Of Me

No Part Harmony

The tick of the clock
strikes like a gong
playing guitar, a siren song
ringing bells all pounding like drums
singing soprano as the trumpeter strums...
in the key of me...

Would It Make Any Difference?

In a world where there might be a million great unknown poets writing at any given time in history, have you ever thought that perhaps his poetry accidentally became so popular because no one ever needed that one last book to start the fire to keep warm or cook dinner for her starving children? Remember: the women were forced to remain illiterate back then.

Poems That Write Themselves

Bent Pogo Stick

Every time I get back up you knock me down again,
sail away with someone else
then with a smile say it's the end.
You make me do the heavy work
while you wear your best attire
then ask me what's wrong?
First time here? Never seen a 3 D poem before? 3 D poems are built upon things I find online and they pretty much write themselves-- I just keep the computer from running off the road and into a ditch. Read each poem then go back and explore each link. You'll figure it out... Or you won't.

Diversity Is The Bind That Ties

It was sometime in the 1970s or perhaps early '80s when I found myself in Montreal (That's Canada Y'all.) with a tractor-trailer load of machinery parts headed to a manufacturing operation there and very much lost. Getting directions via CB radio was of no use to me because every voice I heard was speaking in French and being a dumb American I'd never learned English very well, much less any foreign languages. I stopped at a familiar sign, an ESSO station, in hopes of getting directions.

Completely unknown to me at the time, opinion in French speaking Canada has for the last 500 years or so has ebbed and flowed towards and against remaining united with the rest of Canada and at that period of time it was very much flowing towards separation. And while most French speaking Canadians could speak English all I talked to were acting as if they had never before heard the language. I didn't know what these people were saying but I could tell they didn't l…

Repairing Briggs & Stratton Engine Brakes-- A Work Around

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Warning:Caution is recommended as this repair disables safety features. Do not do this if you must comply with OSHA (Occupational Health and Safety Commission) requirements, if you mow on hills, are unsteady on your feet, or if children or elderly people operate your mower(s).

 I was going to mow my yard this morning but when I tried to start my lawn mower the cable that controls the Briggs and Stratton engine brake broke, causing my mower not to start. There it is in the first picture.

Oh wait, that's not my mower, that's an old floor lamp I found on the side of the road on my way to the hardware store. I included a picture of the broken lamp because I used a piece from it in my repair.

Having dealt with this before I knew a way  to get the job done easily and cheaply.




See that 'J' looking bolt with the wing nut on its end laying on top of my mower. That's all I bought. The total was less than $2.oo.

Plus 2 washers I already had and the piece I robbed from the bro…

Lily Kwan, Naked Newscaster On Page Three!

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Had enough politics to last an entire election cycle? Me too. That's why I thought it time to bring you another of Billy's all natural, all nude, Page 3 Girls as only I can do.

Today's Page Three Girl is none other than, Lily Kwan, who, along with her friends, Ashley Jenning, April Torres, Sandrine Renard, Roxanne West, and others are all naked newscasters. Lily believes that by doing the news naked, her viewers will know she has nothing to hide. The staff here at Billy's Page 3 Girls, agrees. Shown here as her true naked self, our Lilly is blooming as she’s never bloomed before, proving once again that appearing in the buff is the best way to take in the news.





And for those of you who came here from your favorite X-rated search engines, we’ve decided to stop teasing you and point your throbbing mouse at NakedNews.com where you can get free samples of the Naked News. Ya’ll enjoy!

Conservatives And Liberals In Drag

Most Conservatives are only fiscal until it comes to getting something for themselves. Then they become tax and spend liberals in drag. Most Liberals are only liberals until it gets in their own wallets. Then they become fiscal conservatives in drag. The man who openly admits to being a social liberal and a fiscal conservative walks a fine line few are able to follow.

The Blind Trust Makes The Slave

Remember: once in the White House, a President no longer has control of his, or her, money. The blind trust, in effect, makes a political slave of American Presidents just as working wages make slaves of the rest of us. His money could disappear overnight and on a White House salary he'll never have enough money to get it back.

That's how we're controlled...

Corporations

I'll believe corporations are people when I start seeing corporations sitting on church pews bowing their heads in prayer. Wackemall!

Detours

Truth Or Fairy Tales?

A troubled bridge will take you there
if you've time to make the journey,
to see what's hidden in plain sight.
The past cannot be hurried
and the fairy tale is true...

Definition Of Wackemall

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wack·em·all

/(h)wak/·əm·/ôl/


verb

1. to whack them all
2. have sexual intercourse with (someone).
"Hey Honey, why don't we get drunk and wackemall?"


adjective
1. mentally deranged, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way.
"Stella went wackemall and assaulted a visitor" synonyms mad, insane, out of one's mind, deranged, demented, not in one's right mind, crazed, lunatic, non compos mentis, unhinged, mad as a hatter, mad as a March hare;
informalmental, nutty, nutty as a fruitcake, off one's rocker, not right in the head, round/around the bend, raving mad, batty, bonkers, cuckoo, loopy, ditzy, loony, bananas, loco, with a screw loose, touched, gaga, not all there, out to lunch, crackers, nutso, out of one's tree, wacko, gonzo; vulgar slangbatshit
"he was acting like a wackemall person"


noun

1. a secret ingredient
2. an act of sexual intercourse.
3. a brand name, as in Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing, Farming & Transportation..…

Screw Sollutions

No one wants to be part of the solution. Solutions require change. Change makes people uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable makes people angry. Being angry makes people hard to get along with. Being hard to get along with makes solutions impossible. Fuck it, it's easier to stick with the problem.

Grill Recliner

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As found on Craigslist: Not sure how well it would
work but here's someone advertising a device that
does 2 of my favorite things at the same time-- grilling and laying back in the recliner.

I wonder what it grills?

Back Door Mailbox

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A few years back, a close friend of my mother was killed when struck by a trailer pulled by a pick-up truck, while getting the mail from her mail box. This prompted me to make this back door mailbox for Momma's house so that she doesn't have to stand in the street to get her mail.

Yes, I could have bought a back door mailbox and would have, but none of our local big box retailers or local stores had one in stock at the time so I made one from 2 old mailboxes. I enjoyed the challenge and Momma has since been safe

Make or buy your family a back door mailbox.

Why We Don't Have Dragon Farms

E-I-E-I-Nooooooo!

Old McDonald had a dragon,
e-i-e-i-oh.
With a puff-puff here and a puff-puff there,
here a puff, there a puff, everywhere a puff-puff,
Old McDonald's barn burned down,
e-i-e-i-noooooooo! What, who said children's poems always have to have a happy ending?

Please Don't Call Western Union

I once had the same telephone number as Western Union except that to call Western Union you had to dial 1-800. My phone rang 24/7 with people calling for Western Union. People would call Western Union assuming that since Western Union had an office here in Greensboro there was no need to dial 1-800.

I called the telephone company and told them of my plight. At first they didn't believe me. After a couple of weeks of calling Bell South they changed my telephone number but the calls for Western Union kept coming in. The phone company said they couldn't figure it out, we had a month old baby in the house, I worked a 24/7 on-call job-- nobody was sleeping.

After a few more days it hit me. I picked up my phone and called my old number only to get a recording telling everyone my new phone number.

Is This The Future Of Fast Food?

New Kids In The Drive-thru

The Burger King is fifty-eight--
too long upon the throne;
and Dairy Queen is seventy-six--
it's time we sent her home.
That red headed clown
keeps stumbling 'round--
he's seventy-six today,
and the old White Castle where they all live
is falling down anyway.

At 95 it's white stone walls
have eroded much too long,
and Óxido may be Loco’l
but his Fuku is all gone.
They're tired of their Asian Box,
looking for bigger digs,
crusin'  Amy’s Drive Thru
and thinking ShopHouse big.

What's this? A hyperlink poem making its way into reports from the Fast Food Wars? How else was this reporter suppose to warn you of the new challengers on the horizon? Besides, this is Wackemall Network News where we cover the news no one else dares.

Why America Must Die

The nation will only change for the better after it has fallen. The mighty Phoenix of myth and legend teaches us that it must crash to the earth in a ball of fire before it can arise from the ashes to fly again. America is the Phoenix.

Time Gets The Death Penalty

The Clock Tells A Tale

Clocks tail time, and tell the tale of time soon long gone by; as if each tic of every clock is time that's gone to die...

Why Rock And Roll Will Never Die

When Keith Richards finally dies his autopsy will read: "Contains artificial preservatives."

When Things Aren't As They Seem

Race Day

My buddies and I made our way down
to watch the championship races.
You could tell we were excited by
the smiles upon our faces.
But when we got there all was gone;
vanished without traces.
And so it was, we spent the day
at the submarine races.

If you still don't get it then try clicking on the link.

Snapping Turtles

Many years ago when working in Illinois I found a young snapping turtle on the road so I scooped him up with a shovel and tossed him into an open tool box with the intentions of cooking him that night. When I arrived back at the shop, one of the guys I worked with, angrily rushed over, accused me of stealing his tools, then ran to my truck and yanked open the tool box. Out jumped a very angry turtle right in his face! Then the angry guy fell all about the ground trying to get away from the even angrier turtle.

After he stormed away, my boss and I caught the turtle, then rode to where the other guy had worked the day before. His tools were laying on the ground. The boss bought the wine to go with the turtle.

Definition of Democrats And Republicans

"Democrats – A bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people by telling the poor people that other rich people are the reason they’re poor."

Republicans-- A bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people by telling the poor people that other poor people are the reason they're poor.

Assassins On 2 Wheels

Ronald Takes The Fall

Tasty Freeze was in the breeze,
he had to warn the King,
the fries were marching in protest
and they all refused to sing.
Around a curve, he lost his nerve
and his moped, it spun 'round
crashing through the drive-thru
and taking out the clown.


What's this, more obscure reporting from the Fast Food Wars? Or just another day at the motorcycle races? Find out as Wackemall Network News continues right after I take another drink.

Sometimes The Best You Can Do...

Beautiful Dreamers

Beautiful dreamers got nothing on me;
I can dream of forever, of things that can't be.
I can dream of the oceans, of mountains so tall
and millions of reasons for nothing at all.
But the thing I can't dream of no matter how I might try
is another tomorrow...

without tear filled eyes...

The Player

I couldn't believe my ears. It was a sound I could only imagine coming from water buffalo being water boarded to death at the hands of CIA contractors at GITMO or some other clandestine "prisoner of war" camp. Only it wasn't.

What it was, was the sound of a brand new trombone student practicing on a beat up old trombone for what was probably the very first time in his young life and it was going on right outside my bedroom window. And let me tell you, that kid had a set of lungs on him!

Now I don't mind telling you that I'm usually the first in my neighborhood to call 911 and complain to the police when someone is disturbing the peace and I actually reached for the phone on several occasions that night and for several nights following. But for some reason I let it go thinking, Well, at least he's not selling drugs and joining gangs like the rest of the kids in this neighborhood. Besides, he'll probably loose interest and sell it for scrap m…

Re purposed Folding Table

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Remember back in the days when folding tables
were sturdy but weighed what seemed like a ton?
Well I had an old folding table rotting in the scrap pile so I  re purposed the old folding table into a new folding table. Except, instead of particle board I used longer lasting pine boards and made it somewhat smaller so it would be easier to carry.

It's plenty strong, I've already tested it by parking my 210 pound butt on top of it and it didn't even squeak, much less groan.

This would have been as simple as screwing the original hardware to the wood top but as luck would have it part of the hardware was missing but being I'm looking for excuses to practice welding anyway I rummaged through the scrap pile again, found some steel, and welded up some hardware that will still be around years after the wood, legs and all the rest of the original parts are gone.

Then I hunted up some screws, nuts and bolts, and put everything together.

I've not yet decided what color I want…

The Cretaceous–Paleogene Fast Food Extinction

Tyrannosaurus Dog

Red hot wieners scurry 'bout
avoiding giant clowns,
and kings who live to torture them;
crush them to the ground.
Like rodents and the dinosaurs,
wieners slowly wait their time
when the giant beasts with tiny brains
have lived beyond their prime.

Like the dinosaurs of 65 Million years ago, will the giants of fast food someday become extinct as the ultimate victims of the Fast Food Wars. Well if they do you can bet Wackemall Network News will be here to report it while rewarding those who pass the mustard.

Said the Welder To His Boss

"Don't tell me I ain't got penetration. How the hell you think them holes got there?"

Hey Meter Head, Are You A Liscensed Panhandler?

Parking Panhandlers

Park where you want to,
park where you don't;
park in the park,
then get out and walk.
Park on the sidewalk
I don't really care
but if you park here
best have change to spare.

This parking meter pontification was made possible by Green Eggs and Ham, breakfast of panhandling poets.

The Ant Wagon: Sold

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This is the Ant Wagon. At first glance it appears to look like most any other little red wagon but upon closer examination you'll notice there are important differences. For starters, just as ants have 6 legs, the Ant Wagon has 6 wheels but unlike other 6 wheel wagons you might find the 4 front wheels turn left and right while the rear wheels remain straight.

Click on any of the photos to enlarge.

This makes the Ant Wagon inherently more stable than other little red wagons. That's not to say the Ant Wagon can't be tipped over but it takes just a little more to tip it than regular wagons.

The Ant Wagon was made in 2006 when I first flew the Wackemall-1 in the 4th of July parade here in Greensboro, North Carolina. My then 10 year old niece wanted to be in the parade with her Uncle Billy but as there was no room for passengers on the world's first StreetPlane we built the Ant Wagon for her to pull in the parade while, along with her father, handing out candy and ca…

A Titanic Verse

Searching For Yoda

Plug it in, turn me on,
take a bite, sing along.
Master this if you can.
Figure out a new plan.
And keep your junk to yourself...

Deism

Deism is the tool by which free nations and free men are forged; religion is the weapon with which both are destroyed.

Who Knew Pigs Used Craigslist?

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Found on Craigslist, Raleigh, North Carolina. Thought it too good not to share:


Get Out The Vote

I've been reminding people for years that Albert Einstein is said to have defined insanity as repeating the same failed experiment over and over again while expecting different results. Voting has become that failed experiment, thereby proving American voters insane if they think it will change anything.

Pork Poetry Contest

Back in 2012, Johnsonville Sausage and Meijer teamed up to host the Meijer Pigskin Poetry contest. The top 10 vote-getters received the grand prize package, including a portable grill, gourmet grilling kit, grill mitt, apron, a variety of Johnsonville bratwurst and a flat screen TV.

Me, I couldn't wait to rhyme with brats so I sent them the following submission:


"Johnsonville sausage,
they make the best brats
from the sweetest of spices
and the freshest of.... rats..."

Seems I'm still waiting on my prizes.

What Kinds Of Poems Would A Motorcycle Write?

 Premature Baldness
Is that rust there on my chrome?
Why are my pipes so blue?
Why are my tires so very thin?
Oh what am I to do?
I'm growing old before my time,
my spark is getting weak.
Before you know it I'll not run
nor will I even squeak.

Texas Music Blues

Does Everyone Write Songs Down In Texas?


I was drivin’ down a back road through the Carolina pines
when a man come on my radio a singin’ oh so fine.
Then the DJ started talkin’ ‘bout him crashin’ in his Lexus,
an’ tellin’ all the world how this dude, he comes from Texas.

Does everyone write songs down in Texas?
Do all them folk have music on their minds?
Do they all live like stars, hangin’ out in cowboy bars,
drinkin’ Lone Star, makin’ music all the time?

I reached to change my radio to another country song.
Heard a cowboy singin’ purdy so I tried to sing along.
I guess it could a been, I sang a verse or two
before it was, I found out he hails from Texas too!

Does everyone write songs down in Texas?
Do all them folk have music on their minds?
Do they all live like stars, hangin’ out in cowboy bars,
drinkin’ Lone Star, makin’ music all the time?

I screamed, “Ain’t there nobody on the radio today
who doesn’t live in Texas, makin’ music for his pay.
How ‘bout some songs from Tennessee, …

XS650 Yamaha Sump Filter Shields $25.oo

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Like most sump filters, this one is torn where the return oil hits the paper filter rendering the filter completely ineffective. There are 5 things you can do to prevent the tearing of sump filters. 1. Frequent filter changes. 2. Using upgraded filters like those sold online. 3. Convert to a spin-on sump filter.. 4.Add a sump extension that lowers the filter out of the direct flow of oil. 5.Install a sump filter shield.

The problem with #1, Frequent filter changes. is that on some year models, removing the engine is required to get to the filter.

#2 Upgraded filters are recommended and below is a link to where you can buy them, but you may still have to remove the engine and while you're going to have to do so at least once, no one wants to make it a habit.

#3. Conversion to a spin-on sump filter is expensive and requires a machine shop. And as the spin on filter hangs below your bike ground clearance might become an issue.

#4, Adding a sump extension a great idea b…

Billy's Big List Of Motorcycle Movies

Nothing makes a movie great like a motorcycle so I thought I'd put together a list of movies where motorcycles are a primary part of the movie. The first list are films that can be, or were found online. I'm hesitant to leave links because link rot sets in all too quickly. The second list are movies I've not yet watched online.

Movies Known To Have Been Online

10 MPH, Seattle To Boston
A Toda Maquina 1951
Angels from Hell 1968
Angels Hard as They Come 1971
Angel Unchained (Hells Angels Unchained) 1970
Angels' Wild Women 1972
Black Leather Jackets, The Twilight Zone 1963
Blazer
Born Losers 1967
CC and Company 1970
Chrome And Hot Leather 1971
Cycle South 1971
Cycle Savages 1969
Devil's Angels 1967
Dirt Track Devil Amateur 'Knight' 2007
Easy Wheels 1989
Easy Rider 1969
Evel Knievel 1971
Evil Knievel Snake River Jump 1974
Fifty Years of Kicks via MotoCorsa.
Free To Wander 2009
Hellcats aka Biker Babes (1967)
Hell's Bloody Devils ?
Hellcats 1968
Highway Patrol, Motorcycle
Hollywood M…