Oct 31, 2016

History Of Wackemall: Part 55, Mark Twain

It was in the first draft of his book, Innocents Abroad  that the ever mindful Mark Twain wrote:

‘Wackemall is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.’

But alas, like so many things, the 1% of his day were opposed to allowing the masses access to Wachemall or anything else that might cure the divisions of society and weaken their grip on the world economy, so despite protests by Mr Twain, 'Wackemall' was changed to the completely unattainable, 'Travel' and the innocents still suffer today.

Wackemall is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and science has proven Twain right, but will the entire world ever know the benefits Wackemall has to offer? Perhaps someday, the History of Wackemall will reflect just that, but until that final chapter is written, humanity will suffer just as it always has.

Please continue reading the History Of Wackemall: Part 56, Publius Cornelius Tacitus

Where's Hans Brinker When We Need Him Most?

The Little Dutch Boy

A finger in the dike
and one on the hose,
he stands alone
as the winds, they doth blow.
And then to his anger,
hands covered in pitch
he then feels it building...

His nose starts to itch!

Oct 30, 2016

Now You've Seen A Hearse Pulling A U-Haul

 I started out being optimistic... Now I just scream...

Rent A U-Haul

You can't take it with you,
that's what some people say.                 
But me, I think I'll try it,
just let me have my way.
And if I die and go to hell
at least I'll have some cash.
I'll try to bribe the devil
so I can get out fast.

When I die, rent a U-Haul,
pull it behind my hearse.
Load up everything I own,
put my money in it first.
Hook it to that Cadillac,
tell my friends to come on down.
When I die, rent a U-Haul
and put it in the ground.

If the devil don't want money
then maybe he'll take gold
or maybe I can buy a drink
of something icy cold.
How 'bout air conditioning
if I should have to stay.
At least I'd have to ask.
What's the worst that he could say.

When I die, rent a U-Haul,
pull it behind my hearse.
Load up everything I own,
put my money in it first.
Hook it to that Cadillac,
tell my friends to come on down.
When I die, rent a U-Haul
and put it in the ground.

Now some of you may wonder
if I have lost my mind,
But really I’m quite sane,
I'm thinking all the time.
And if I go to heaven,
standin’ by those pearly gates
I'll slide St. Pete a buck or two
so I don't have to wait.


When I die, rent a U-Haul,
pull it behind my hearse.
Load up everything I own,
put my money in it first.
Hook it to that Cadillac,
tell my friends to come on down.
When I die, rent a U-Haul
and put it in the ground.

Said when I die, rent a U-Haul
an’ put it in the ground.

When Only Real Men Rode Motorcycles

 Moped Blues

His scooter wouldn't start today--
he kicked it and he kicked it.
The tank was full, the spark okay,
new carb that should have fixed it.
But it seems no matter what he tried
he'd not perfect the art
of kicking through a scooter
that's in-fact, a pedal start.

Photo 1915 Harley-Davidson via BikeExif

Oct 29, 2016

No Matter Where You Go, You Park And There You Are

Free Poems

Paid parking, free poems,                  
yes that's just the way.
You pay for parking
but the poet's not paid.
I leave you my verse
to hang from this pole.
Paid parking, free poems,
the world has no soul.

 I used to leave poems taped to parking meters in downtowns everywhere, hoping someone would find them and seek me out, buy my books, put me on television and give me fame and fortune.

But fame and fortune never came to me, my books rarely sold and few ever learned who I was or appreciated my efforts. In other words, my time expired.

Then one day, as I was posting the very poem you just read to the rusty pole of a beat up old parking meter in a forgotten corner of a forgotten downtown slated for urban renewal the parking meter spoke to me and parking meter poetry began its rhyme as the meter winds down on the poet.

And so it is, parking meters from around the world have contacted me for years now to tell you of their plight. I've finally discovered my place, and I'm still not paid.

Oct 28, 2016

What's For Dinner?

Road Kill

Big ol’ buzzard circles overhead
lookin’ to get his fill.
Sees a Opossum walkin’ ‘cross the road
and it gives his heart a thrill.
Says, “If he would just stand still a while
I’d dine on fresh road kill.”

So the buzzard says to the Opossum,
“Hey Buddy, we need to talk.
Why not waste a little time
before you have to walk?
The Opossum says, “Sure, I don’t mind.
What is it that you want?”

So the two of them, they talk a while
‘til a truck comes down the road.
The buzzard jumps clear of its way,
but the Opossum, he’s too old.
He’s caught beneath the trucker’s tire
and his body soon turns cold.
(And the buzzard gets a meal.)

Next day the buzzard’s flyin’ high
o’re a rabbit on the street.
He thinks, It worked good yesterday.
It’s a trick that can’t be beat.

“Hey Rabbit, why not stay a while,
and rest those weary feet?”

So the two of them they sit a spell
while the buzzard works his deal.
He’s got one thing upon his mind,
the rabbit’s bitter pill.
‘Fore long a truck comes roarin’ fast!
Again, he eats road kill.

Next day, a snake is crossing there,
Buzzard shouts, “Hey, what’s your name?”
And the snake, he thinks, Hey buzzard meat,
why not, birds taste the same?

Then a big ol’ truck comes roaring fast
to end their deadly games.

A big ol’ raven flyin’ high,
‘round in circles at his will,
sees a buzzard and a flattened snake
and it gives his heart a thrill.
Then he flies to earth to dine upon
a mess of fresh road kill.
(“Wow,” He says, “looks like a smorgasbord!”)

Eating The Empire

Big Mac Attack!

The Big Mac Attack is coming soon
and all will then be lost.
The red headed clown will put us down
no matter what the cost.
So hide your chicken sandwiches
and all that you hold dear
for all that is left will be sesame seeds,
when Big Mac, he gets here.

Could the end of the Fast Food War be near or are the fries just overcooked?

Oct 27, 2016

Stand On Your Head

˙uʍop ǝpısdn ɯǝɥʇ ǝʇıɹʍ
,ʎןʇuǝɹǝɟɟıp sƃuıɥʇ ǝʇıɹʍ oʇ ʇuɐʍ noʎ ɟı
punoɟ ʎןןɐuıɟ ı ʇsɐן ʇɐ ןıʇun
,ʇnoqɐ pǝɥɔɹɐǝs ı sı ʇı os puɐ
˙ʎɐp ʎɹǝʌǝ puɐ ɥɔɐǝ ʇsoɯ
ʇı op sʎɐʍןɐ sʞןoɟ ǝʞıן ʇou
,ʎɐʍ ʇuǝɹǝɟɟıp ǝןʇʇıן ɐ
ɯǝod ɐ ǝʇıɹʍ pןnoɥs ı ʇɐɥʇ ʇɥƃnoɥʇ ı

ʎʌɹǝʇ ʎsdoʇ

Angry Parking Meters Protest Royal Mint!

For A Few Measly Pounds

How can you expect us to do our jobs
when the money, it won't fit?
The way you toss about the coin,
you'd think it already spent.
But we still have to make our way
and we don't think it's fair
to make us stand without our pay
in the frigid winter air.

Oct 26, 2016

Truth Or Consequences

...peoples' actions are preceded by their perceptions right or wrong. Telling the lie long enough does not make it truth but does make it the underlying cause for what happens after the falsehood.

BBC's Judy Swallow Bares All As Page 3 Girl

Could it really be true, Judy Swallow, the lovely Judy Swallow of BBC Radio, a Page 3 Girl barely covered in an all natural state on Billy's Page 3 Girls? And why not, her fame spreads far and wide on both sides of the bloody pond, doesn’t it?

I’ve really got to hand it to the staff here at Billy's Page 3 Girls as getting Judy Swallow, star of the BBC World Service, to take-off for an American audience is a first since she was a teenager in Massachusetts.

Remember: The hottest chicks are on Billy's Page 3 Girls. Now, that and a few hundred thousand pounds should get the lawsuit dropped.

Picture clip art courtesy About.com.

Guilford County Liberals To Take Charge

Greensboro, NC-- Unhappy with recent decisions by the Republican controlled Guilford County Board of Elections, the City Councils of Greensboro and High Point met in secret emergency session late Tuesday night to plan the overthrow of the Guilford County Commissioners and Guilford County Board of Elections.

Tony Wilkins, the one Republican on the non partisan, Greensboro City Council, was unable to attend the unscheduled meeting because he was at the coast fishing with local developer, Marty Kotis, and was only informed of the meeting 30 minutes prior to its start when their fishing boat was 3 hours out at sea.

Amazingly, the 5 Republican members of the High Point City Council were also aboard that same fishing boat with Mr Kotis, leaving only the 3 Democrats to represent High Point in this joint meeting.

The Councils are concerned that the Board of Elections has restricted early voting dates and places making it harder for Democrats and supporters of Hillary Clinton, as well as minorities, and financially disadvantaged voters, to vote in the current 2016 general election.

Greensboro Mayor Nancy Barakat Vaughan, whose estranged husband Donald R Vaughan, is currently seeking a high level appointment, should the Democrats regain power in North Carolina, had the following to say, "It's us against them. Either we get a free ride or the Republicans get a free ride. There's only so much taxpayer money to go around. Now which is it going to be.? We must be willing to do anything to protect out democratic way of life lest we fall victim to the republican way of life."

"Why should Republicans get all the free stuff?" Councilwoman Sharon Hightower shouted.

"I agree," Councilman Mike Barber added, "I should be allowed to play golf all day just like anyone else."

In the end, the joint councils voted to man all polling stations located within either city limits with police officers from the cities of Greensboro and High Point to force poll workers to keep them open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week until polling ends on December 9, 2016.

When asked why not force polls in the rural areas to stay open as well, Councilman Jamal Fox explained, "Those areas have a higher concentration of redneck, racist Trump supporters. Let's not make it any easier on them than we have to."

The two cities plan to release a joint statement later today.

The preceding has been a Wackemall Network News exclusive report.

Oct 25, 2016


My friend, Laura, and I got jobs working in a very old laundry that hand washes clothes. Laura checked customers in and out while I worked over a wash tub beating the laundry clean with a tool.

This tall black man-- the boss, I think-- came in with new white underwear he wanted cleaned. I quickly and cheerfully started cleaning the underwear and the tool turned out the be a hatchet. While Laura and the man watched I chopped up the underwear and the man calmly said, "Y'all come back next time and I'll let you clean some real lace so you don't have to chop it up."

"You're not mad?" Laura asked, obviously concerned about what I had done.

"Me, mad?" the man replied, a smile still on his face, "He's the dude with the hatchet..."

I woke up laughing my ass off.

Why It Is What It Is

Memory Loss

The man with the short memory
wished upon a star.
He wished for a better life,
free from the tyranny
that had plagued him thus far.
But when he held his sword upon the tyrant
he settled for a few pieces of gold,
forgot who his oppressor was
and suffered while growing old.

Oct 24, 2016

Can You Guess What I Had For Breakfast?

The Death Of A King?

Boberry hid in the back room.
Bojangles was waiting out front.
The King, he'd not know what hit him.
The coroner said it was blunt.

Whoppers, they carried his casket
while Ronald, he hides in fear
knowing he's next, his whole life a wreck.
In the shadows they don't see his tears.

Ronald, they're coming to get you.
The grassroots, they grow everyday.
Soon you'll meet your doom, so hide in your room,
like the Burger King, have it your way.

And so it is, after all the years the Fast Food Wars continue to drag on, the 99% grassroots rising up in rage against the machine. How many fries must die before peace comes to French Fry Valley and the sauce no longer stains the hands of the red headed clown they've gathered together to fight?

Life As In Art

It Is What It Is

In life, as in art, sometimes the best things
must be given the chance
to become what they will become...
The hardest part
is allowing it to happen.

Oct 23, 2016

Boys Will Be Boys-- Even Dads

I'm reminded of when Daddy and I were racing and he got lose in a curve and bumped into Momma's car which happened to be what I was racing against him in. I was 16 and had just got my drivers license so we made up a story about me backing into a pole so both Daddy and I wouldn't get grounded.

Daddy was dead and buried for 5 years before I ever admitted the truth to Momma. About 40 years and 5 or 6 cars had passed by then. Didn't surprise her a bit.

Grits Are for Breakfast

One of the most frustrating times in my life was living in a motel in Ottawa, Illinois, a small town surrounded by corn fields in every direction, and not being able to buy a bowl of grits.

Parking Meters Strike For Better Working Conditions?

Parking Meter Hymn

It's Sunday, it's Sunday,
a meter's day off.
Why are you downtown?
Go fishing, play golf.
Go hiking, go swimming,
what ever you do
but don't park downtown
'cause we need breaks too.

Oct 22, 2016

Enter Stage Left: The Long Dong of Burgers

Foot Long Patty

Angus Melt, he came to town
to kick some burger butts
riding in a submarine.
The King just thought him nuts.
The red headed clown, well he fell down
from laughing oh so hard,
saying, "How does he think up these scripts?
He's one whacked out bard!"

Wait a minute... Are the characters in the Fast Food War talking about me? Since when do the journalists call the shots? I just write down what they tell me.

Shift Change

When I was 21 (1977) I made my first trip to the west coast driving a tractor-trailer. I had a drop in San Diego and a final in LA and was hoping to get both off the same day.

Back east here there was no such thing as truck lane restrictions way back when and I'd never heard tell of such a thing so I put my rig in the far left lane and let her roll.

I probably would have got away with it except for a woman in a 280Z who wouldn't pull over and let me pass. I looked in my rear view hoping to pass her on the right and saw a Camaro with a front end full of flashing blue lights.

So like folks from here in North Carolina are taught to do, I turned on my right turn signal and began making my way to the right shoulder of I-5. Took me more than 4 miles to get there without running over anyone. Six lanes are hard to cross.

The Trooper was some kind of pissed but even in all that wind his hair remained perfect. "What in the hell do you think you're doing," he shouted.

"Well officer," I replied with my best Southern draw, I'm going to LA for the first time in my life and I'm in a hurry."

"I can see that!" He shouted, "but what in the hell are you doing in the left hand land-- trucks are restricted to the 2 right lanes only."

I was shocked and it must have really shown when I looked at him and said, "Officer, I was taught in high school driver education that slower traffic keeps right and faster traffic passes on the left. And I was damned sure the fastest thing out there."

He looked at his watch and said, "Boy, you're lucky it's shift change, otherwise I'd take you to jail. Now get back in that truck and stay in the two right lanes.

Billy's Giant Tulip

Today I grew a giant tulip. I dug a hole about 18 inches deep, planted a special seed the man at the local hardware, lawn and garden store traded me. Then I watered, added the special fertilizer that came with the seed, and by 4 PM I was snapping photos of this 4 foot tall, blue stemmed, purple tulip growing in my front yard. Don't believe me? Just drive by my house and you can see it for yourself. 

If you click on the picture it will grow even larger but please be careful as my yard isn't very big.

I'm always amazed at the special seeds they save for me at the local hardware store. You should check out the giant mushroom I grew with their help. I keep chopping it down but it always grows back.

Oct 21, 2016

Jimmy's Script

Jimmy thought he had masterminded the perfect crime late in his senior year in high school. He wasn't a big drug user so no one would suspect him and since he wasn't really selling any drugs nothing could go wrong. Or so he thought.

On the way out of his doctor's office after a regular check-up, Jimmy snagged an almost new prescription pad used to write only a few prescriptions by his MD. The indentation of the doctor's signature was easily made out on the top page remaining in the pad.

By the time Jimmy, a senior and already 18, got back to James B Dudley High School the next day word had already gotten around that for a price, Jimmy could sell you a genuine doctor's prescription slip with a well forged doctor's signature already on the pad. All you had to do was fill in the blanks including what kind of prescription drug you wanted, how much and how often you wanted to take it. A trip to your favorite drug store would take care of the rest.

Of course, Jimmy and his customers had forgotten about doctors' script-- the language in which prescriptions are written and doctors and pharmacists regularly communicate. While Jimmy's customers waited for the various pharmacists to fill the obviously forged prescriptions, the pharmacists quietly walked to the back and called the Greensboro Police Department who were waiting at the door as they walked out, in possession of prescription drugs bought with forged prescriptions.

A lot of people were very angry with Jimmy.

I heard Jimmy finished high school after he got out, went to college and got his act together in a city not too far away.

Two Wheel Baby

She's difficult on better days,                                       
miserable the rest.
She seeks the very best in me,
puts my love to the test.
Sometimes she strikes, sometimes she smokes
though I've told her both are bad.
But when I really turn her on
she's the best I've ever had.

My bike, not the girl.

Photo via XS650 Chopper

Oct 20, 2016

Will Tax For Food

"Power corrupts the few, while weakness corrupts the many." -- Eric Hoffer

More from Mr Hoffer, "My writing is done in railroad yards while waiting for a freight, in the fields while waiting for a truck, and at noon after lunch. Towns are too distracting."

Like Eric Hoffer, I am an outcast and believe outcasts have always been the pioneers of society. Hoffer spent his life working as a longshoreman but understood the reason most people don't join in efforts to reform is that they have what they need and fear they might lose it. Hoffer believed that everyone should spend 2 years in civilian national service programs. Problem is, no one recognizes the contributions of the outcast until after we are gone. Yes, Hoffer was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom months before his death but did anyone really listen?

I think Eric Hoffer would agree that the world's economic woes will not end until politicans and government workers can be found on streets carrying signs that read, "Will Tax For Food."

Emilia Fox-- All Nude Page 3 Girl

Is she hot or what? Shown here posing all nude except for her hot fur, this is probably the only time you’ll ever get to see this young British actress bare all.

While Americans only got to see Miss Fox as Cassandra, Princess Of Troy, on the USA Network mini series, Helen Of Troy, across the pond she’s been coming out of the bush and showing off her high profile on all sorts of features from Three Blind Mice to David Copperfield. Of course, the sly Miss Fox hardly needs a magician to keep the staff of Billy's Page 3 Girls spellbound as we're happy to give her cash back for keeping mum.

Be sure to come back next week when we feature none other than Redd Foxx right here on Page 3.

Editor’s Note: If I see Redd Foxx nude on Billy's Page 3 Girls, somebody’s getting the thrown to the wolves-- pronto!

Death Of A Poem

Half Breed Apache

Sunflowers watching you
sexy as you are.
a hall of skulls watching too.
The burning man will soon escape
the devil that you know,
to take you down to someplace deep
where only half breeds go.

This has been a hyperlink poem. Click on the links to see the mysteries that lie in waiting. My only regret is that link rot eventually sets in causing link poems to die.

Oct 19, 2016

What's In Your Mirror?

Ranting Rooster

Ranting Rooster, he's so vain,
to the mirror he did crow,
"I'm the bravest rooster of them all
and I think the world should know!"

But the little hen, she only clucked,
"They're all no more than jest.
They cannot keep the hawks at bay
nor lay eggs in the nest."

Fast Food On The High Seas?

The Battle Of Cholesterol Shooters

Curly fries to the left of me,
chili cheese fries to the right,
yeast bread wearing 5 bright stars--
and lookin' for a fight.
Captain Long John Silver said to me,
"Son, batten down the hatches.
I'm going to shoot the cannons off
soon as I find the matches.

The Burger King said, "We'll all be dead,
I'm pulling my fries out.
Go on and fight if you think you're right
but me, I've got my doubts.
You Red-headed Clown, you let us down.
You told us we could win.
You made a bet we'll all regret
spread your special sauce too thin."

Curly fries and Ronald's coming.
Golden Arches all alone.
"Make 'em fat," Hamburguler's drumming.
Bag 'em up and take some home.

Crazy bread was marching in
by the time I got there.
cholesterol would speed their fall
and the salt would hold it there.
I felt their weight a bit too late
as the fries they dragged me down
'til Wendy's hand got in their plan
to pull me back around.

All through the night a horrid fight
as the fries they waged the war,
but Wendy said as she rubbed my head,
"They'll not hurt you no more."
So while the battle raged outside
she took me 'round the world
to my delight she cooked it right
'cause she's that kind of girl.

Bag 'em up and take some home.
Bag 'em up and take some home.
Bag 'em up and take some home.

Exclusive coverage of the Fast Food War available only on Wackemall Network News, is made possible with support from anyone who will pay me. Such is the price of war.

Animal Farm Comes To Life

Election Day

I came and said what I had to say;
no one listened anyway.
It was over your heads in too many ways,
you'd rather bitch than fight.

You'd rather cry, "It's not my job,"
while they go on to steal and rob,
plunder the corn from all the cobs
and leave us only blight.

"Vote them out!" I hear you say.
The one's you vote in: same shit, different day.
They're all the same, they're here to play
your hopes against your rights.

So come November cast your vote;
line right up with all your hopes
but just remember while you're in line....

Cattle lead to slaughter.

States Rights

My rights end when they encroach upon your rights. States Rights should end when they encroach upon our rights. Keep States Rights, but draw the line there

Oct 18, 2016

In-between Time Zones

Countdown To Yesterday

The clock is ticking.
No time to waste.
We must act now--
yes, in haste!
For come tomorrow
all will be spaced
and of your coffee
you'll never taste.

Love Me Tender...

The following is a true story, only the names have been changed to protect the foolish.

Steve and I worked together for several years and several different employers. On one of our jobs we hauled junk cars for a late model automotive recycler. The pay was okay and we never worried about having reliable transportation as good used cars and parts were cheap to employees. Those were the sort of perks that came with the job.

Even the man who owned the company drove a car that had once been salvage. Of course his salvaged car was a three month old Sedan De Ville by Cadillac. One morning while the boss was in his office-- before most of the other employees except for us drivers had arrived-- I handed Steve a turn-signal flasher I had ordered from the J.C. Whitney Automotive Mail Order Catalog. “What’s this for?” Steve asked as he looked at the unusually large turn signal flasher.

“It’s a turn signal flasher, Dummy.”

“I know what it is,” Steve replied. “What do you want me to do with it, Dummy?”

“Go put it in the bosses’ car,” I replied. “I’ll make sure he stays in the office.”

“What for?” Steve asked.

“It's musical. It plays Love Me Tender when you turn on the signal,” I replied, my grin giving away the joke I was putting Steve up to.

“You mean like Elvis?” Steve laughed. “You’re shittin’ me...” Steve put the flasher in the socket under the dash of the bosses’ Caddy while I walked inside the boss’ office to ask him some questions to which I already knew the answers.

A few days later the boss asked Steve to drive the Caddy around back so that the shop foreman could take a look at it. “Is something wrong with it?” Steve asked.

“Oh no,” the boss replied. “I just like making sure everything is in good working order before I go out of town.” Steve drove the car to the shop where we had already clued the shop foreman in on the joke. Later that same day we were both washing our trucks when the boss came to pick up his car. Steve, the shop foreman, and I watched as the boss drove away.

It only took about three minutes before the boss came wheeling into the driveway. “Something wrong?” the foreman asked.

“I hate Elvis!” the boss shouted as he turned and walked away. “Billy, I’m driving your truck home tonight. I want my Cadillac fixed before the three of you go home tonight.

“I guess we’ll need this,” Steve said holding the proper turn signal flasher in his hand. “How much overtime you think we can make out of this?” he said as the entire shop crew burst into laughter. The boss didn’t say a word. We both knew he’d pay us back, we looked forward to the challenge.

Oct 17, 2016



With nothing to say, they sing along,
ride the rails, never get along.
They're never free, though they say they are.
They always talk, no words to say;
never listening to the light of day.
And yet we still elect them...

As Easy As It Gets

Thirty plus years ago, a guy I was working with, rebuilt a 440 Dodge. It was his first engine rebuild and he complained that it was making too much noise, and asked me to help him figure it out. Being that I was giving him a lift home anyway I went into his garage. On his work bench next to where he rebuilt the engine, I found what looked very much like 8 rod bolts.

Easiest diagnosis I ever did.

They're Not Giving Away Very Much

Found on a Craigslist free ad:

Click on the image to view full size.

Dedicated To Kevin Morris

Local readers may be familiar with Greensboro, North Carolina's shyster lawyer, Kevin Morris, who greedily bilked the taxpayers out of $2,300.oo in parking fines by exploiting a loophole in state law that will cost taxpayers millions state wide. Earlier today I interviewed a local parking meter and here's what she had to say about asshole Mister Morris:

A Parking Meter Speaks Her Mind

You complain it's much too far to walk,
don't want to ride the bus.
You say the train, it takes too long
and a taxi costs too much.
And so it is you drive your car
complaining you're not rich
as you walk away, but didn't pay--
you just want to bitch.

Dead On Arrival

Evil Parking Meters?

Please don't call me evil
for I'm only doing my part.
I don't control the fee.
I don't control the art.
I'm just a parking meter
bound to stand here 'till I die.
And if you cast me evil
the backlash makes me cry.

After a word from our sponsors we'll continue this morning's edition of PMN, Parking Meter News, an exclusive of Wackemall.com and the Wackemall News Network.

Sponsors? What sponsors? No one pays me to write this tripe.

Oct 16, 2016

History Of Wackemall: Part 54, Edward Abbey

When Edward Abbey penned The Voice Crying in the Wilderness he first wrote:

“If America could be, once again, a nation of self-reliant farmers, craftsmen, hunters, ranchers and artists, then the rich would have little power to wackemall others.  Neither to serve nor to rule. That was the American Dream.”
It has become one of the quotes he is most famous for.

But the best-selling author of The Monkey Wrench Gang and his use of 'wackemall' as a verb was so threatening to the editors and publishers at St. Martin's Griffin that they changed 'wackemall' to 'dominate' and an author who himself has been described as iconoclast, failed to be as iconoclastic as he might have been through no fault of his own.

Just think of what might have happened if only Mr Abbey had been allowed to tell us to go after the 1% of the United States population that owns 42% of the financial wealth of this country and just wackemall.

The History of Wackemall dates back thousands of years and continues to be made even today. Will you become part of the history or will you just be wackemalled and forgotten? Please continue reading the History Of Wackemall: Part 55, Mark Twain to find out.

Mechanical Elephant? SOLD

This isn't really a mechanical elephant, it's my homemade Wackemall wet-dry shop vacuum. But like an elephant it picks up things with its trunk.

It began life as an abandoned shop vac from the 1970s with a rusted out can and an old Coleman cooler from the 1960s that had long since been forgotten.

I cut a hole in the top of the cooler, made a couple of steel clamps, and with some stick-on weatherstripping foam, sealed the opening where the vacuum assembly sits on the cooler.

The long lost filter-- originally a paper bag for dry and a foam sock for wet-- was replaced with a bit of the left overs from the last time I replaced my furnace filter. Should I need more filtration I can always add it.

All in all it took me about an hour to build, and it got rid of some of the junk that has been accumulating around the shop.

I'm thinking I might modify it so that liquids can be drained off, eliminating the need to carry and dump the ice box... er, I mean, collection bin, in the bottom. And with a longer hose I can use it anywhere in the shop without moving it.

And I believe it pulls enough vacuum to operate a small vacuum forming machine I'm planning on building.

Pizza Pie Nightmares

Fast Food Mafia?

Jersey Mike, he didn't like
being pushed 'round by a clown
so he called, Pepperoni, said,
"It's time you axe him down.
Drag him back the Pizza Hut,
tell Pappa John to do him
and if Pappa gives you any lip
I'll have Three Brothers screw him."

Is this what it's come to? Does organized crime control fast food? And where was Sal and CiCi when all this was going on? Tune in next time when Pepperoni says, "But Boss, wouldn't we be better off to let the guys up in Boston do this one? You know, with their tea and all? I mean, remember the last time we whacked the clown? I still have nightmares."

Get the latest Wackemall Network News along with updates from the Fast Food Wars right here at Wackemall.com.

Oct 15, 2016

History Of Wackemall: Part 53, Thomas Paine

"To argue with a man who has renounced the use and authority of Wackemall, and whose philosophy consists in holding humanity in contempt, is like administering medicine to the dead, or endeavoring to convert an atheist by scripture."  

--Thomas Paine, in his first draft of his letter,  The American Crisis: Lancaster, March 21, 1778, to British General Sir William Howe.

In his letter, Thomas Paine was pointing out how, after 3 years of war, General Howe and the British Army he commanded had not a chance at defeating General George Washington and the Continental Army of the new American Republic. It is said that General Washington himself suggested Paine remove the word, 'Wackemall' and replace it with the word 'reason' as Washington and others feared the British might figure out that Wackemall was the reason, reason had become so successful in the new world. And so it is, in 1794, 1795, and 1807, when Thomas Paine published The Age of Wackemall in 3 parts only after again changing 'Wackemall' to 'reason'.

Too often history is written by the vistors, telling only the parts they want you to know. That's why we here at Wackemall.com think it so important you read and study The History of Wackemall
rather that remaining ignorant, dumb, stupid, and bored for the rest of your life. 

Continue reading History Of Wackemall: Part 54

Poetry Linked In Chains

Dandy Lion

Looking back cannot erase
the bars that hold you in,
take you to the highest peaks
a sonder as it's been.
For in the end you cannot see
the reason for his screams
or hold his hand and make life grand
if only in your dreams

Others' Opinions Don't Count

I read today that other people's opinions of me are not important, that what is important is what I think of myself. I kinda like that idea. As a matter of fact I think I like it so much I've decided to think of myself as God. Obey me!

And your first order is to share this post.

How Was I To Know?

Seriously? When I posted her obituary to ObitsFree.com I did it as some sort of cruel joke. Yes, we had just broke up and I was pissed. That's why I did it. I was going to post the link to Facebook and scare everyone she knew. But I would never hurt her, honest. How was I to know someone else would kill her just minutes before I posted her obit? Anybody know a really good bail bondsman? Cheap?

Oct 14, 2016

Ten Little Indians

Ten little Indians went to town
awaiting Christmas Day,
hoping Dear old Santa
would bring tomahawks their way
and lots of bows and arrows,
and other games to play.
They beat upon their tom-toms
and did their best war dance
until the chief, he spied them all
and said, "It's only Columbus Day.
You should be at school, not playing silly white man's games.
What do you think caused all these problems in the first place?"

The Last President Has Been Elected

Japanese Horror Movie

A blue eyed monster came to town.
The Killary, he did battle.
At first the people, they chose sides,
herded 'round like cattle--
to slaughter...

But soon the streets were littered,
dead bodies everywhere
choked up all the air...

And our way of life
 becomes a Japanese Horror Movie
in which we pray,
Godzilla will save us.

This has been a hyperlink poem. Click on the links to view the images behind the words and see the full effect.

Oct 13, 2016

Reading Poetry From Behind The Page

Flash Photography

Red hair and freckles, she soon lured me in
as downward our journey, it did begin
An elephant joined us as he burst from the page
while the government listens to our growing rage.
We drove in a rush then went for a slide
but she never worried, her pet by her side
And then she ran away....

Oct 12, 2016

True Tales From The Wild West Bakery

A Trip To The Fast Food Zoo

Chicken N. Biscuits called me up,
saying, “Let’s go to the zoo.
I’m meeting Rajun’ Cajun there
and think you should go too.

I said, “Let’s pick up Wendy,
get her out of that drive-thru.”
Biscuit said, “She’s with the Burger boys
and that bitch, Ms. Barbie Que.”

The Supremes played on the jukebox
while the seniors drank for free.
Fries played in the parking lot
flying ‘round on Buffalo wings.

Sweet Tea practiced art forms.
All you can eat for a few bucks.
Platter on her bottom
and she’ll tailgate in her truck.

Coffee ground this morning
from a hole there out in back,
fresh as mud from Summer rains
wiped off a new tire track.

Sweet Potato, she was there;
Bo Berry, he was too,
but there’s one thing I can’t recall:
Did we make it to the zoo?

Sometimes, even in the midst of a full fledged, Fast Food War, it becomes necessary for the warriors to take some R&R. And the embedded journalist...

Oct 11, 2016

On A Cleaner Note...

Dirty Word
Word, he was a dirty bird
who sang a dirty song,
slept in a dirty bed each night,
and made his nest all wrong.
A dirty bird was Dirty Word;
just to call his name was wrong,
and so it is, we don’t call, Word,
except to call him gone.
Don’t want no Dirty Word flying ‘round here.

Sanity Sometimes Comes With Brute Force

As a child I thought I wanted to be a paratrooper until I tied a WW2 military surplus parachute around my waist and jumped from the roof of our next door neighbor's garage.

The chute deployed after I hit the ground.

Oct 10, 2016

Supermodel Adriana Lima Nude

Once again, Billy's Page 3 Girls gives you the best Page 3 Girls, like Adriana Lima who has graced not only the runways but also the catalogs of Victoria's Secret, Guess?, Armani, and XOXO, and as covergirl for Harper's Bazaar and ELLE. Of course, while all those guys were busy dressing her up, here on Page 3 we're undressing the lovely Miss Lima.

Recently Adriana Lima was named the 2007 Hottest Girl On The Planet award presented by Guy's Choice and in 2006 she was named to the Forbes Celebrity 100 list,

And believe me when I tell you I'll never again have to be told to eat my beans.

What Are We?

Too many die young,
still strong, but not yet secure in knowing
a destiny few can understand.

We wander, our feral streaks
often taking us farther
than even we had intended to go.
But we'll be back someday--
that is; if our keys still fit your locks.

For us, life is neither journey nor destination,
but something you do
while journeying to destinations unknown.
We know not the purpose of life,
nor do we seek it.

We are restless when calm,
calm when restless,
and satisfied with little.
But our needs are few.
Life is but the never ending process
of breaking out of cages,
only to discover our cage
was within another cage.

If we live to be old,
we will be those
who always stood apart,
brothers by virtue of being outcasts,
of not fitting the molds,
society expected us to fit.
We will go our separate ways
but always remain loyal to each other
in time of need.

We will ride--
always we will ride,
for we are bikers.

Oct 9, 2016

Maybe You're not Supposed To Get It

Tribute To A God

I went up to the mountain top.
Thor was waiting there
on the mountain, they'd named for him.
I went there in my breakfast boat
and we knocked down a few beers
then flew home in my aeroplane 
to dream of those lost years.

Never seen a hyperlink poem before. It's poetry in 3 dimensions, only possible for most of us via the use of the Internet. Maybe you're not supposed to get it-- it's fun for me. I often write my hyperlink poetry with inspiration provided by the Stumbleupon Toolbar, something to busy me on long, lonely nights.

Veggie Don't Fear The Reaper

Veggie Goes To Carolina

The Carolina Reaper came,
but Veggie, we did hear,
"Don't worry, Folks, now don't you fret,
you're superhero's here.
I'll chop him up and dice him up
with my Wackemall Machete,
until the biggest part of him
is smaller than confetti."

"And then I'll call my old friend Woody and add him to the newest batch of Delwood's Barbecue Sauce aptly named the Veggie Head Stalker Special Recipe Dead Reaper Sauce."

Will Veggie really be able to beat the world's hottest pepper-- the Carolina Reaper? Is Woody really crazy enough to can a sauce made from dead reaper? Find out at VegetableStalker.com.

When You Can't Get There From Here


A teathered eagle cannot fly no matter out stretched wings
and visions seen through some third eye will not give breath to sing.
Your stallion waits to take to where you never thought you'd go
until your ship is washed aground by someone that you know.

Red High Heels

I got the call on my way into the shop early one morning. Luckily I was far enough away I could get off of US 29 and avoid the traffic jam. I was driving a wrecker for a local towing company and the Greensboro Police Dispatcher had just called my boss who radioed me to ask me to respond to an overturned sedan in the west bound lane of Interstate 40 at South Elm Street.

Because traffic was stopped the officers on the scene were requesting that I enter from Randalman Road and drive down the exit ramp the wrong way. I made my way through the Greensboro city streets as quickly as I could and several miles an hour above the posted speed limits as I knew traffic would be backed up many miles before I could get there. And as almost always happens, some people think themselves too important to wait and drive around the police officers meaning I ended up meeting numerous cars head on.

And of course they all blow their horns and wave the 1 finger salute at me, never mind my truck lit up like a Christmas tree with flashing lights all over it, it was obviously my fault for attempting to clear the wrecked car from the middle of the interstate highway.

A minute later I'm stretching cable and hooking chains to a blue Buick sedan upside down in the middle of Interstate 40. The driver of the car, a stunningly attractive woman I figured to be in her late 40s or early 50s dressed in conservative but very attractive women's business apparel is standing on the side of the road with the police officers holding a single red high heel shoe in her hands and both her feet bare except for stockings. While it's been a lot of years ago I remember thinking, I'd love to have a woman who looked as good as her when I get as old as she is. Now that I am that old I know it to be true.

It only took me a couple of minutes to gently roll the car back over onto its wheels. I always prided myself in doing minimal damage even to the most severely damaged cars as every unbent part still has value in the used parts market. When the car rested on all 4 wheels I walked over to put it in park, turn off the ignition and remove all but the ignition key when I discovered the other red high heeled shoe stuck heel first in the windshield. it didn't appear to be damaged at all.

I gently removed the shoe from the windshield and carried it, her keys, purse and a few other things I knew she would be wanting over to where she was standing. Upon seeing the red high heel she smiled and said, "You found my shoe, thank you."

Not trying to be mean or naughty (I was young and dumb then) I looked at her and asked, "How do you think it got stuck in the windshield?"

She then turned as red as her shoes and as the two police officers standing beside her both turned so that we couldn't see their faces she replied, "Please don't ask."

Oct 8, 2016

Sometimes Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction

Horace. The Nearsighted Owl

Horace, the nearsighted owl,
used to capture hats;
take them home for breakfast.
Can you imagine that?
He'd swoop down low on gentlemen,
grab hats from their heads
then fly back to the nest
where his chicks were snug in bed.
His chicks, they all were hungry,
cried, "Dad, we can't eat hats!"
And Horace said, "Oh me, oh my,
I thought they were all cats."

She's Got Legs-- The Difference Between Republicans And Democrats

I was a Republican from 1974 until 2004. In early 2004 I became a Democrat.

So what's the biggest advantage I see to being a Democrat over a Republican? In 30 years of being a Republican the Republican Party never sent anyone out to visit me. Not once. But now that I'm a Democrat, come every election cycle I'm visited several times by attractive young women asking me to vote for their candidate.

She's got legs- how could I possibly say no?

Don't Mess With The Red Heads

Good Samaritan Meters

We are the Red Tops-- you can see
we're special and you know it.
Our customers has special needs
and if you park here, we'll tow it.
In Foggy Bottom and the Hill,
we're proud to say, we're making their lives better,
so ride along, park somewhere else
or risk that nasty letter.

This has been a message from the Red Top Parking Meter Brigade in Washington, DC, who have pledged their lives to helping the handicapped have easy access and double the time, sending you this message via Parking Meter Poetry.

 Photo, (WTOP/Ari Ashe)

Oct 7, 2016

When Leprechauns Come Face To Face With Flamingos

Rainbow Rose 
"Reflections on the water,"
Rainbow Rose, she speaks to me,
"are like creatures in the jungle--
wild and always free.
While they gather by the thousands,
they are fleeting constantly.
They can lead you into into crimson,
give you powers, none can know,
or take you to the mountain
or a road you dare not go."

If by chance you've never ventured to this site before, the previous verse is a link poem-- a form of poetry that can only exist online, and only for as long as the links remain alive. Read the poem while clicking on the links to experience a sort of 3rd dimension of poetry.

Or go away thinking me quite insane.

Who's In Control Here?

I'm not against private ownership of the means of production but I am against private ownership of the means of production being the only means of production.

Oct 6, 2016

Burgers On The Run

Death Of A Titan?

The hot dogs howled an eery howl
to indicate their chase,
Sonic tots in hot pursuit
could mean the final race.
The King, he ran, his fries all gone,
no one to fight his battles
while Starbucks laughed, "I'll rule the world.
The King, his brain is addled!"

What's this, a new player in the Fast Food Wars, amped-up and releasing the hounds to run down the now displaced monarch? Say it isn't so?

Definition of Warrior



  •  one whose fingers bleed
synonyms: blogger, poet, fighter, soldier, serviceman, combatant, mercenary "fearsome warriors"
  • any of a number of standing poses in yoga in which the legs are held apart and the arms are stretched outwards.
"when you return to downward dog after the first round, add warrior poses I and II"
  synonyms: poser, politician, police officer, terrorist, civil servant, political activist

I write blogs... and poetry... Guess that makes me a warrior too.

Oct 5, 2016

Smarter Parking Meters Learn Second Language

Parking Meters On Java

"I'm anxious," the young meter said,
 "I've not got time to wait
perched atop this stupid pole,
the parkers, always late.
That empty space, I cannot stand,
there should be cars to fill it.
I've got a boss like everyone
and he wants me to bill it."

And so it is, parking meters get smarter and Java becomes the language they speak but to me they speak American and I publish their Parking Meter Poetry for all the world to see.                                             
 Photo courtesy Huffington Post

Definition Of Prophecy



  • a prediction.
the world will come to an end... someday
synonyms:    prediction, forecast, prognostication, prognosis, divination, augury

  •  the faculty, function, or practice of prophesying.
The art of writing or speaking large volumes of fiction, so much so, that eventually the odds are quite great that some of this fiction actually comes true
synonyms:    divination, fortune-telling, crystal-gazing, prediction, second sight, prognostication, augury, soothsaying "the gift of prophecy"

  • the  utterance or writings of one believed to be a prophet:
    oracular prophecies.
The sun will come up this morning and set this evening. Guess that makes me a prophet.

Oct 3, 2016

Disgruntled Fries

I have it on good authority that fries on both sides are scared. While it's true that millions of sandwiches have lost their lives in the Fast Food Wars, the numbers of fries who go down number many times that amount.

Earlier today, it was relayed to me directly from the front that fries are becoming disgruntled, angry and full of starch over hot, greasy and dangerous working conditions. Some are thought to have already abandoned the war effort while others are said to be planning violent overthrows of their respective leaders and franchise owners.

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for up to the minute updates on the Fast Food Wars.

A New Superpower On The Horizon

Countdown to Armageddon

The Baconator loaded up,
his kids pack slung down low
insured Havoc would follow him
wherever he did go.
Wendy, she is number 2
and now a superpower
so with Armageddon drawing near
we wait the final hours.

Wendy number two, the king displaced, could it be the Fast Food War is about to end the hard way with Wendy going at it against Ronald, redhead to redhead in a final round to the death? And what about the disgruntled fries-- how will they squeeze the ketchup and who knew the mark of the beast was a cow? And just what is behind the black label Wendy's been wearing? Is that like an arm band or something?

Oct 2, 2016

The Ballad Of The Bitch In Black

'Twas a snortin' Norton rode to town,
a Commando it was called.
850 cc and to some degree
punched-out to make her scald.
Dressed all in black, tuned ports a fact,
twin carbs built by Mikuni.
To ride her, it took nerves of steel
or perhaps to be quite loony.

She yelled, "Come on boys, let's see your toys.
Chase me down and you can have it."
Flames from her pipes, tire smoke the likes
your mind, you just can't grab it.
A beauty queen, an outlaws dream
lit the fires in every man,
and from this day the legends say
she slayed the Isle of Mann.

A thousand bikes, hot rods, and trikes,
they tried to chase her 'round,
but every time that one drew close
she quickly shut them down.
Engines blew, nerves did too
as many lost control.
The Isle became a wrecking yard
of bikes and cars and souls.

So hello boys, make still your toys
when the black bitch comes to town.
You've not a chance, race or romance
will leave you six feet down.
The Devil's bride, she is inside,
sent here to fell good men
and if by chance you get a dance
it's sure to be your end.

Photograph via Wikipedia

420 Available

Found on Craigslist, Raleigh, North Carolina. Thought it too good not to share:

No, I'm not going to pass along the contact information, this is North Carolina, not Colorado, sorry.

It Sucks To Be King

Empires Awash

Here I sit upon my throne
surveying my kingdom, my castle, my home;
an empire built on the vanquished's dust
and washed away with but a flush...

Demetri, The Merchant Banker

Like the others in the asylum, Demetri was there only because he had spoken out against the King. But lately, putting political dissidents in prison had become unpopular with the people so the King's royal guards intimidated psychiatrists into declaring the dissidents insane so that they could be locked away for life.

Most of the men in the asylum were tradesmen, carpenters, blacksmiths, potters, wood carvers, stone cutters and the like. Before they were forced into the asylum they were stripped of everything they owned, every last cent. Demetri came from a rich family of merchant bankers who had for centuries traded around the world. Demetri knew the King personally and because of his ties to royalty he had been allowed to bring with him into the asylum all the money he could carry.

At first Demetri thought his money useless to him but then he began to notice the relationship between the guards and in inmates. The guards, themselves being from working class backgrounds felt compassion for the inmates so rather than allow them to die of boredom the guards brought tools and scraps of wood, metal, stone and other items the inmates needed to continue practicing their trades and keeping up their skills even if there was no one to buy the items they made.

Over time the tradesmens' rooms began to fill with the many beautiful handmade items they had crafted. It was at that point that Demetri began to buy the items from them at far below their actual value and carry them back to his room. Eventually, when Demetri's room became filled he bribed the guards into allowing him to store some of the items in other parts of the asylum.

Eventually Demetri ran out of money and could buy no more. Years passed and the tradesmen continued to spend their days crafting the finest handmade items the kingdom had ever seen. And yet no one outside the asylum walls had ever seen them.

The day finally came when a new king was crowned and the new king decided to free the men from the asylum, not because he cared about them but because he considered all of them to be too old to be any threat to his kingdom. Besides, hard times had come and the government needed to cut its budget-- feeding prisoners who were harmless seemed less than economically sound.

The old men left the asylum as quickly as their old bodies could take them with the money Demetri had paid them in their pockets. Some quickly spent it on drink, food and cheap women. Others were a bit wiser and hung on to the money as long as they could but none lasted very long. All were too old to find work in a down economy and in just a matter of weeks almost every man released from the asylum found himself living on the streets, cold, their stomachs empty and no where to turn for help.

Unlike the other men, Demetri refused to leave the asylum, "I want to see the warden," he shouted. "I'll not leave behind what I bought and paid for with my own money and paid the guards to keep hidden away."

The warden, himself having been raised in a family of merchant bankers, recognized Demetri's circumstance right away. "I understand perfectly," the warden said, "a man of Demetri's standing cannot be pushed out onto the street with nothing. He didn't come here empty handed, he'll not leave here empty handed."

"But Sir," one of the guards asked, "Demetri has thousands of items packed away inside, how will we ever move them all."

"We'll not move any of them," the warden replied. "The King has ordered the asylum closed but his orders said nothing that would stop Demetri from using an abandoned asylum as his own personal warehouse. Take Demetri the key to the gate and on your way out show him where the push carts are stored. And tell him I wish him the best of luck in his new business venture."

Day after day Demetri left the asylum with a cart loaded with hand crafted items made by his fellow inmates. Not only did Demetri have the items he bought but he also had everything they had left behind. In just a few sort months Demetri had saved up enough money to buy a storefront in one of the more affluent areas of town.

Most of what was sold throughout the country was cheap, mass produced imports but the rich wanted local, hand made items. Only Demetri had them and his prices reflected his lock on the market. Demetri hired workers for the lowest of wages and became rich beyond his wildest dreams while the old men who first made the items he sold were driven from his shoppe by his security guards then turned over to the royal guards as vagrants or worse, thieves. All because they had the audacity to ask Demetri, a man they had suffered with for many years, for help in their desperate situations.

The day finally came when Demetri was to be honored for his contributions to society. Thanks to a vast contribution he had made, the king had decreed the new performing arts center be named in honor of Demetri and royal families and merchant bankers from around the world assembled to honor him. His indiscretions against the previous king, right or wrong, were forgotten as Demetri's cash contribution more than made up for any sin he might have made as a young man.

"What good was he?" an old beggar standing outside in the cold beside a fire had to say. "When I knew him he couldn't sharpen his own pencil.."

Just goes to show that when it comes to the elites there just them who have and those of us they take it away from.

Knocking Down Doors

 I realize not everyone likes the way I do things but when they won't open the doors one is left with no choice but to knock them down. And if the vibration causes the whole building to fall before the doors swing open... Well we needed a better building anyway.

 Sometimes unintended consequences are necessary...