Showing posts from September, 2016

Just Comply When Ordered

Rufus Scales didn't know about the armed robbery that had taken place just a few blocks from where he was just minutes before. All he knew was that he had just spent almost 3 hours-- much of it in the rain-- chasing down his prize winning Onagadori rooster, Josephus, and he wanted to get himself and his treasured bird home and dry before either one of them caught cold.

Rufus had started backyard chicken farming some years before raising birds for eggs and meat when he happened upon a generous old woman who had been raising award winning show birds for decades. Rufus did some work on her aging coops in exchange for some of her high priced eggs with papers, put them in his homemade incubator and hatched them. She then taught Rufus how to groom and show birds.

When the old woman died, her family quickly sold off everything she had leaving Rufus being the only one around his area with an ample supply of eggs from her award winning bloodline. Suddenly Rufus was showing birds, selling …

When Politicians Leave Us

Death Of A Political Animal

Another political animal died last evening.
The politicians and media will publicly morn it's passing, sing pretty words
while privately throwing big bashes to celebrate.

The workers, who for years believed in the animal chanting,
"Somebody should do something!" but who were themselves
always too lazy
will again be too lazy to remove it's rotting carcass from the street.

And the sheeple, who blindly go about their lives
herded to and fro
will simply stumble over its stinking corpse,
the sweet stench of death choking their every breath,
and ask, "What's that smell?"

Had Jimmy Only Known Then?

Swimming Rabbit

If I had a swimming rabbit, I'd cage him on my boat; sail out on the ocean, drop anchor and just float. Then I'd toss him over, say,
"Buddy, swim back home, and if you see the President, 
tell him that I'm gone."

Never seen a Hyperlink Poem before? It's poetry in 3D-- something that can only be done on the Internet. Click on the links to get the sometimes hidden meanings and surprises that make up the entire poem.

Concord Meters Make Wine

Meters Get Their Day

In Concord, they petitioned to rid us
but now their raising our rates.
A dollar an hour's cheap labor;
some folks are just sour grapes.
We're making the village big money.
They studied to find it is true.
So park all you like in desirable spaces
and pay whatever is due.

Meanwhile the rate in nearby Brookline jumps to $2.oo per hour. And while some people think it wicked the local parking meters of Concord and Brookline, Massachusetts celebrate their victories with Parking Meter Poetry exclusively here at

Fast Food Subscriptions?

Cuckoo Birds

Red Robin flew over White Castle
and dropped his Burger Blaster.
And when the King, he saw it
he said, "This is a disaster.
I'm tired of these cuckoo birds,
someone call the sailor
and when you talk to Popeye, tell him,
feed Robin to the Whaler."

For my RSS subscribers, I ask, is it safe to go back into the water? And for the rest of you, this has been the latest update in the 100 year Fast Food War. Will it ever end?

Drive-in Nightmares

Sonic Invasion

Sweet Potato Tots came knocking at my door
despite the fact I'd told her
not to come 'round her no more.
But no was not an answer
she'd come prepared to take
and what she told me in her sleep
will make the king awake...

Keynesian Economic Practice

It's not the fact that's he's a Keynesian disciple that bothers me insomuch as it is he appears to be a Keynesian disciple on the take. Which, by the way, is completely contrary to true Keynesian Economic Theory but apparently central to Keynesian Economic Practice.

Nature's Oddities In Verse

Bug On A Branch

He sits in the middle all covered in spittle
so happy he's really quite snug
as he sucks out the juices for the ooze he produces;
the gross little bite of the Spittle Bug.

Billy And The Magic Mushroom

Or, A 21st Century Fairy Tale?

Times were getting really hard in the second decade of the 21st Century, we were out of food stamps and most all the hens were so old they stopped laying eggs so Momma said to me, "Billy, I want you to take the old hen that laid the golden egg to the market and trade it for all the mushrooms you can get."

"But Momma," I said, "That ol' hen ain't laid a golden egg in years. She ain't even laid any regular eggs in months."

"Don't you think I know that!" Momma shouted. Her nerves were on edge as she could no longer afford her prescription medications. "You just take the hen like I'm telling you and I'll call the market on my Obama Phone and tell them you're on your way to trade it for mushrooms. The man at the market has been trying to trade me out of that hen for years and now he's finally going to get it."

"Yes Ma'am," I replied as I put the hen tha…

I Think She Was Coming On To Me


Fast food, oh it bores me so,
my life could use a change:
burgers, fries, and chicken strips
are making me deranged.

Mrs. Winner smiled at me,
said, "Dear, I know what you need."
"Sorry Ma'am, I've had enough
I think I'll just go read."

So read along my story now,
I think it's time to tell
fast food delights, the bitter fights,
the bodies in the well.

The mysteries unfold to see
in rhyme and in my verse,
the secrets true, all we once knew,
and last is sometimes first.

Lauralee Bug Bell-- Page 3 Girl

Proving once again to be one of the young and the restless, Lauralee Bug Bell has been caught by Billy's Page 3 Girls' cameras doing the naked hump boogie on a park bench with none other than Bug Hall, the child star who's no longer doing it solitaire over some cold case from the OC.

Maybe the price is right but one has to wonder if this intimate portrait might start a family feud the likes of which might even give Walker, Texas Ranger, a dose of reality the little rascals might think strong medicine.

Panhandling Parking Meters

Hey Buddy, It's Not Our Fault        

They're calling us aggressive,         
 say we force them to pay more,
but the evil city overlords
and who we do it for.
It's not because we like it--
we don't even get our share,
so remember our poles
when you go to the polls
and vote in someone fair.

And to think, you thought I was making up these stories about talking parking meters communicating to me in verse but here you have it, documented, straight from the Fair City News, photos and all as Parking Meter Poetry-- the story of the struggles of parking meters worldwide-- continue right here at Wackemall Network News.

Buried In The Back Yard

The garden area of my yard always had water problems-- way too wet. So I came up with an idea as to how to fix it before time to plant come spring. Each night I came home from work with rocks loaded in the back of my truck and backed it in the driveway.

Then I went into the garden and dug a 3'x6' hole about 3' deep being careful to set the top soil to the side. As it was dark by the time I got off of work no one could really see what I was doing and I could only finish one hole each night. I put about 12 inches of rock in the hole then put the top soil back on top in a mound.

I continued this for weeks, one hole per night. The rocks were free, my back was still good then, and the ground was soft. I never thought anything about it but one of the neighbors started the rumor that I was killing the gang members throughout the neighborhood and burying them in my back yard. Suddenly, without my knowing why, every little gang banger in the neighborhood was running awa…

Hole In The Wall

I used to deliver to Marshall's Department Stores in malls and shopping centers all over the country. I was one of about 300 drivers working for a company called Keyway Transport, now known as Cowan Transportation. Almost none of the stores had actual loading docks so when I arrived I had to back to a walk in door, climb into the trailer and carry everything to the rear of the trailer.

At other Marshalls stores there were holes in the wall in which they pushed rollers through for me to roll the boxes into the store. I could always fill the line faster than they could get it off.
Of course, everybody wants everything done yesterday so some big wheel at Marshalls decided their stores needed loading docks. Seemed like a good idea.
I arrived at one of several Dallas, Texas area stores to find a brand new loading dock where there had never been one before thinking, Man this is great!
I gently backed my trailer to the dock just lightly bumping the rubber bumpers and... The …

Dead End Lovers Know Best

Dead End Poem

Lovers know to get a piece
you have to sing the song,
play the tunes like no one else
and try to swim along;
see the picture from afar,
hold tight for fear you'll bend
until the day it finally comes
your freedom has to end.

Ed And The Rooster

A friend of mine sends a photograph of her goat, Ed and a young rooster that has become Ed's best friend. Rather than spend his days with the other roosters and hens this young rooster spends his days perched high upon Ed's sturdy back. And Ed seems to be okay with the arrangement as the young rooster's claws scratch Ed's back.

Click on the photo to enlarge.

What I want to know is, will the other roosters dare pick a fight with a rooster whose best friend is a goat?

The Sandwich Shop

In the 1970s there used to be a sandwich shop on in downtown Greensboro near the police station. Most folks knew it was a popular hang out for our local gay male population so most of us stayed away. You see, like lots of other places, Greensboro, North Carolina was a very different town back then with very different attitudes.

At the time I was a member of a local motorcycle gang that only lasted a few years and never amounted to much but we managed to get ourselves into the media just a bit more than we would have liked. One of my fellow gang members, a recent transplant from up north whose name I won't mention to protect the guilty, and myself rented a run down old shack located in what is now part of Greensboro's Bryan Park.

One day I received a telephone call from someone identifying himself as an officer with the Greensboro Police Department. That was odd in that usually the cops didn't usually call before coming over. Usually they just kicked in our do…

Still Waiting On A Hero?

Hero's Tale

You can not count on heroes. Heroes fly away to fight in distant lands and are never around when you need them. Heroes march to victory leaving you to walk alone, take their stands in foreign lands while you suffer here at home. Heroes, they grow tired, and heroes, they grow old, but most of all a hero's tale is just a story told...

Clash Of The Young Roosters

My two young roosters got in a fight today. I knew it would happen sooner or later. I watched as the hens tried to break it up to no avail. Then my old rooster, Mr Green Jeans decided he would break it up but his success was no better. Being the wise old bird he got out while he still could and moved his hens to a safe distance.

I watched on for a minute thinking one of the two would cut and run while preparing for the worst.

As I feared, the worst was yet to come. There was going to be no surrender and in just a few moments I saw blood. That's when I turned on the water hose.

It took three good soakings to wash all the fight out of the two young roosters but eventually, looking like they were swamped, both retreated to the chicken coop where the two of them are side by side sharing a perch, preening themselves and discussing their shared experience.

Titans they may be but I'm still the big rooster in my barn yard and as long as I've got my water hose I'll remain the big …

Amanda Blake Page 3 Girl

This week’s page 3 girl is none other than Miss Kitty, AKA: Amanda Blake. Over the years Miss Kitty has been the fantasy of thousands of teenage boys and seen with Milburn Stone, Dennis Weaver, Festus Haggen, Burt Reynolds, John Wayne, Roger Ewing, Newly O’Brien, and of course, James Arness.

Miss Amanda Blake Shown here exposing herself in an open window, Miss Kitty is doing what she always did best-- waiting for Matt Dillon to return to Dodge City, come in, and start stroking her as she said only he could. No one ever doubted her ability to make Matt Dillon’s gunsmoke.

On a more serious note: The staff here at Billy's All Nude Page 3 Girls would like to thank Miss Amanda Blake for her lifetime of efforts in protecting wildlife (not that kind of wild life) for which the Amanda Blake Memorial Wildlife Refuge was built. Thank you, Miss Kitty.

Hungry Parking Meter

Rushing Not To Pay?

The parking meter said to me,
"I'm down to my last dime.
The people come, the people park
but they don't have the time.
I hear them as they walk away,
"I haven't time to waste."
And so it is, as I grow thin
they walk away in haste."

And so it is, another hungry parking meter tells me his sad story and the sad saga continues to be told. What? You were expecting a happy ending? Who said anything about an ending?

Conflicted Meter

They left me here to guard this parking space,
a prisoner of the human race,
my job to make you pay your fee
while you think you should park for free.

What is it with you people?

And so it is, we now know how they view us and why parking meters believe they should be the ones to rule the world with their everyone pays the same logic and no one parks for free rules. After all, it was us who put them here and programmed them to be the way they are but when it comes to following our own rules... Well, let me put it this way, when was the last time you heard of a parking meter getting a ticket?

Some Secrets Are Meant To Remain Secrets

And Would You Want To Know
Have you ever wondered what the world would be like if the world wasn't here....
but somewhere else... way-far away...
Perhaps in another galaxy, another universe...
another time...

But What About The Other Way?

Most cannot even comprehend Deism and Deists such as Voltaire. So they must believe in the fairy tales as passed down by their tribes to convince themselves any sort of god can exist. 'Tis a fine line between believer and Atheist and the tribe depends on the majority never crossing.

To Be There

I wish someone would invent something
that would make me want to get up early each morning,
jump from my bed,
greet the day with joy,
seek out new adventures,
travel great distances to new horizons
I've never seen before
and never look bac...

Wait... it's called a motorcycle...

I sure wish mine wasn't broken.

Male-Female Differences

For those of you who sometimes find yourself in a quandary when the subject of sexual intercourse enters the occasion, you need only remember that generally speaking: Women need a reason to have sex-- men need a reason not to have sex.

As to why that is... bigger minds than I will have to answer.

Goats Driving Pick-up Trucks

Recently I heard a joke about a goat driving a pick-up truck.

Reminds me of something that happened to me many years ago before we had CDLs and nationwide standards. I was driving a tractor-trailer on Route 66 through New Mexico when I came upon a weigh station. (Really just a wide spot in the road where the weigh-master could park his car and wave over truckers.) The weigh-master asked to see my paperwork along with my drivers license. When I handed him my license he looked at it and politely said, "Sir, your license expired last month."

Now this was a really big problem considering that I lived in North Carolina and not New Mexico. Or at least I thought. "What am I going to do?" I asked. I was expecting to be told I was going to have to call my company and have them send out another driver.

"You got $5.oo?" the weigh-master asked.

Now me I'm thinking that is a really cheap fine. "Yes Sir," I answered rather hesitantly.


Canucks Get Faster Fixings

Famous Dave Calls The Shots

Popeye went to Canada
looking for recruits.
Tim Horton, he was waiting there,
hogging all the loot.
Famous Dave was hanging out
down at the Mexican Grill
but it was Wild Wings of the frozen north
who would finally make the kill.

Too Much Cholesterol Bad For Clown's Heart

Tender Chicken Lovin'

"Gotta wanna, needa hava,
Gotta wanna needa hava,"
Ronald, he did say,
"I love to watch that Chicken strip.
I've dreamed of her all day."
But what ol' Ronald didn't know,
Bojangles knew it too.
And when the Chicken stripped,
Ronald's heart back flipped
and he met his Waterloo.

And the Colonel laughs from the grave...

911 Memories

Everyone remembers where they were at on 911. I was driving a truck for a living. Early that morning I left Richmond, Virginia with 3 stops on my trailer-- the first about a mile from the Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia.

My second stop was to be in Manhattan, New York City. And my third stop in Somerset County, Pennsylvania, not far from Shanksville-- the site of the third crash. What was on my trailer? Just some kind of paper products as is shipped everywhere. While I'd had jobs in the past that involved hauling lots of government and military loads, this wasn't one of them.

I was already in Arlington getting my first stop unloaded when we heard the news about the Twin Towers as there was a TV in the break room there. While we were watching we saw the news about the Pentagon as well. Apparently brick buildings and the noise of trucks, forklifts and a nearby Interstate was enough to cancel out the sound of the explosion as no one where I was at seemed to hear it.

Of course, we we…

The Bullshit Song

If Money Grew On Trees
by Billy Jones

Daddy and I traveled and we saw quite a lot.
Saw people who had plenty and people who had not
but the damnedest thing I ever seen, the dumbest of them all
was a man selling bullshit at the downtown mall.

Daddy, he just looked at him, he wasn't quick to talk.
He looked at me and he said, "Son, you'd better take a walk."
Then he turned to face the man, that's when I heard him say,
"Maybe come tomorrow but I'll not buy today."

"If money grew on trees you'd pick it when it's green.
You're about the dumbest man that I have ever seen.
If it fell down to the ground you'd probably let it rot.
That's why some folks have plenty and others, they have not."

The man said, "Sir, I understand, now why you feel this way
but at least 200 people bought my bullshit today
and if you'll stop and thing a bit I'm sure you will agree
that I am not the one who's dumb, you're just to blin…

Can You Keep A Secret?

Words Never Spoken

Confessions, words you yearn to speak but dare not utter loud for fear you might be known for deeds for you're not proud.
You cannot keep them hidden deep.
You must share your vignette. So you craft your words so carefully, post them to the Internet.

Is That Kirstie In The Alley?


Hey there, tough guy.
Looks like you lost your head,
slipped into a jealous rage
and fell out of the bed.
You showed your tail to everyone
'til you were sure you reached your end
took a walk, found your seat
and hung out with your friends.

The 3 Failings of Human Nature:

People hold dear anything anyone else tries to take away from them-- even if that thing is bad for them. We've all done it over something big or small. Hopefully yours was small.

Those that erase history are doomed to repeat it.

The world is full of people who are trying to effect change without taking human nature into account.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on the matter. You perhaps have your own.

Sonic Rules, Sonic Rues

Tots On A Roll?

"Get into the ring.
It's time for happy hour!"
The Sonic brought his Blaster.
It was he who held the power.
The Burger King stood trembling
and Ronald bowed to pray
as the tots came by on roller-skates
and hauled it all away!

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the drive-thru the Fast Food War comes rolling through your town. Eat local, it's safer that way, no Burger Wars and silly robots to worry about.

California By Way Of Mardi Gras

It was a long time ago, 1979, I think. I rode a new Harley-Davidson to New Orleans, Louisiana intending to enjoy Mardi Gras for a few days before making my way to California and back. It was raining when I left Greensboro, North Carolina but I rode on.

I had no place to stay while I was in New Orleans (no rooms at the inn) so I slept chained to my motorcycle on the sidewalks. I got drunk but I didn't have much fun as it rained the whole time I was there.

I continued to Houston to the Greyhound Bus Terminal where I picked-up a package I'd sent to myself before I left home. Dry clothes, food, motor oil, snacks, money, and a bottle of George Dickle. I spent the night in a cheap motel, put my wet clothes in the box and shipped them home.

It had rained every day since I began my trip and was still raining when I left Houston. I hadn't been completely dry more than a few minutes in over a week. I decided to ride back to North Carolina and forget California.

It rained…


Jeremy was pissed. It had been another long night of double shifts and he was just getting off work at four in the morning and fighting to stay awake for his two hour commute home.

Jeremy's life had always been pretty crappy. His truck driving, biker dad was almost never around when he was growing up and life only seemed to get worse from there on out. A big, clumsy guy who didn't do well with girls, Jeremy resented his father and his control freak mother. But with the economy being what it was, like so many young men, Jeremy was forced to to live with his mother and step-father.

Looking in his rear view mirror, Jeremy saw a single headlight coming up from behind him. Great, he thought to himself, probably some loser like my dad running out on his kid and seeing the world while the rest of us bust ass to try and contribute to this fucked up society.

"I hate fucking bikers!"

Jeremy hadn't planned what was about to happen next but he did it anyway. Ju…

Kelly Ann Page Nude On Page 3

That's right folks, another Billy's Page 3 Girls exclusive nude page 3 girl exposes herself to the world.

Famous for smearing food all over the topless body of Lindsay Freeman, Kelly Ann is shown here all tartared up with pure cream from a tin all the way from New York City. The Young Lady Chatterley's heavy duty maid was no doubt made to stand the test of time and is holding up well despite many years on the spice girl's shelf.

Keen Parking Meters Voice Their Opinion

We don't care who fills us up,
we want our bellies filled.
Suing folks for feeding us
is robbing from our till.
The courts should recognize us too
as we're the ones who suffer
as Keene, New Hampshire rakes in fines
we do without our supper.

And we're keen to their tricks...

Will the courts consider the plight of Keene's hungry parking meters or will they, like parking meters around the world, be left to die a slow and painful death? stay tuned to Parking Meter Poetry to learn their fate and the fate of parking meters everywhere. After all, parking meters are people too.

It Happened In Scottsdale

My most vivid memory of Scottsdale is trenching to install cable television in a brand new subdivision before any of the houses were even built-- nothing but brand new city streets going out through the desert for miles around.

To add to the strangeness our trencher hit a telephone line where we had been told by the telephone company, gas company and electric companies that we were the first to dig there and would hit nothing more than rocks.

Minutes later two Air Force F-16s came flying over us very low and very fast. The wind from the jets almost blew us down. Then they came back and started circling us.

A few minutes later helicopters came and real live soldiers with real machine guns jumped out and herded us up. Later Jeeps and cars with men with lots of stripes showed up.

The local Sheriff's deputies came too but the soldiers with machine guns kept them a few hundred yards away from us.

We were there for hours as they asked us lots of questions and checked us out. F…

Colonel Sanders Goes To The Beach

Have It Your Way

Colonel Sanders washed up on the beach,
"He was chicken," BK said,
"A victim of his own abuse,
Taco Supremes left him for dead.
Burritos wouldn't come for him,
claimed, no habla when he screamed.
And so it is, crispy white toast
is chicken of the sea."

What in the world of mixed up metaphors and jumbled jingles is this supposed to be? Has the Fast Food War claimed the life of Colonel Sanders.... again? Has the Taco Bell tolled its last toll for the old grey headed white dude pushing addictive, chemical laden, fatty birds on poor people and minorities in working class communities around the world? How many times can one old man die anyway?

And what about that reference to chicken of the sea? What's the king referring to there? Could that be the Whaler is about to make a comeback? Or was there a mermaid involved? Silly old white man, you know he's too old to go diving for mermaids. Serves him right.

Leave It To Beaver

When my son, Jason was about 11 years old we were canoeing on the New River when we saw what we thought was a bear sunning on a rock in the middle of the river. As were were still a considerable distance away I decided to allow him a closer view.
As we got closer I could see it was a beaver but it was the largest beaver I had ever seen. And it wasn't moving.
We paddled closer expecting the giant (and I do mean giant) beaver to scurry off into the water but it still didn't move. Obviously it was dead, we decided.
Jason wanted to get a closer look and not wanting to deny him as much nature as possible, I turned the canoe in the direction of the rock noticing the flies in the vicinity of the beaver. It was then I realized why the beaver was so huge.
As we paddled up to the rock I saw Jason reach out with his paddle as if to poke the dead beaver in its bloated belly, "I wouldn't do that if I were you," I warned.
"Why not," Jason asked just as he po…

Japanese Motorcycle Song

Tuning screws, adjust the valves,
a brand new tire to spin in style,
wind it up and go real fast,
dammit, I forgot the gas!
So I push a few more miles...

Motorcycles, Two By Two

oTo........................................Zoom, zoom, hear the roar......... motorcycles by the score... Two by two and one by one, racing past and having fun! .....oTo...... Where do they go, I can not say but they'll come back again some day..........oTo......... Zoom, zoom, hear the roar....................oTo.......

oTo........................................Zoom, zoom, hear the roar......... motorcycles by the score... Two by two and one by one, racing past and having fun! .....oTo...... Where do they go, I can not say but they'll come back again some day..........oTo......... Zoom, zoom, hear the roar....................oTo.......

A Cowboy's Ball And Chain

I don't remember who made the leg iron or who epoxied the eye bolt into that old bowling ball that had been laying around the clubhouse since the night some guy thought it was a soccer ball and tried to score a goal with a sideways kick, but it was really well made and the 16 pound bowling ball at the end of the chain made sure anyone wearing it would move very slowly... most of the time.

Bikers are known for being wild but why anyone would voluntarily put a leg iron with a bowling ball attached to 5 feet of hardened steel chain on his leg and secure it with a padlock is beyond me. But that was exactly what Cowboy did. Maybe it was because he was drinking-- a lot.

Whatever his reason I'm sure he never thought about what might happen next. Hell, I didn't think about what might happen next and I'm the one who tossed Cowboy's bowling ball down the stairs with him still attached. Bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump.... Wasn't anything slow about it exce…


When your bike is down
and you're stuck all alone,
your buddies all riding,
your bros not at home.
The world catches up,
all the problems return.
All you once left behind
is now your concern.
Ain't much you can do.
Ain't much you can say.
Just hang in there bro
'til the wheels turn your way.

Then ride with the wind in your face and the sun at your back.

A Tale Of Two Eagles

Two eagles meet at a winter retreat high in the Rocky Mountains.

Hector: "Bird, you look really bad, what happened to you?"

Dexter: "Oh, I flew into a mountain, that's all."

Hector: "Weren't you watching were you were flying?"

Dexter: "Most of the time."

Hector: "Wadda' you mean most of the time?"

Dexter: "My beak gets cold in the winter so I tucked my head under my wing to warm it up."

Hector: "All of us eagles get cold beaks-- why didn't you land?"

Dexter: "I did land."

Hector: "I mean before you crashed into the mountain, Bird brain!"

Photo credit: Eagle Totem

Why Common Sense Never Prevails

Her: "I hate it when I have to reach into a sink full of dirty dishes to find and wash one thing so I can finish cooking a meal."

Him: "Well don't put the dirty dishes in the sink until you're ready to wash them."

A few hours later...

Him: "Move over Rover, I'm sleeping with you again tonight. No, I don't know why she's angry. Now try and keep your fleas to yourself."

And so once again a perfectly common sense solution to a problem we all face is rejected and a man is forced to pay the price. Good luck, young men, the world is a hard place and you will no doubt pay the price for having been born with common sense. Me? I'm old, alone and just made sure I've no prospects.