Showing posts from January, 2016

Mayor Resting Comfortably After Attack

Winston-Salem, NC-- Officers from the Winston Salem Police Department responded to numerous complaints this morning of a man wildly running naked down residential streets, waving his arms and shouting, "Spider, Spider!"

When officers arrived on the scene the found and briefly arrested Winston-Salem Mayor Allen Joines on charges of disturbing the peace, indecent exposure and being a public nuisance.

Quickly realizing that Mayor Joines was possibly in shock or having some sort of medical emergency, transport to Wake Medical Center was arranged where doctors confirmed the Mayor was in shock.
Following up, police them went to Mayor Joines' home where they found his wife Peggy Joines hiding in a closet and a giant spider smoking a cigarette in the Joines' bed.

Forsyth County Animal Control was called in to attempt to capture the giant spider but when several attempts to subdue the creature using tranquilizer darts failed to produce any measurable results the Winston-Salem …

Downtown Thunder Struck

Greensboro, NC-- The Greensboro Police Department is hoping to find the owner of a lightning bolt that fell from the Melvin Municipal Building, bounced off several downtown buildings and struck Downtown Greensboro Incorporated President Zach Matheny late yesterday evening.

Speaking for the police department, Susan Danielson stated, "Zack will be fine, everything washes right of the little twerp, we just don't know how to turn the thing off and you can't handle a live lightning bolt until after it has been powered down. If the owner will come right away we'll be more than happy to give it back and give him or her several more old lightning bolts the City has been unable to dispose of if he or she wants them."

When pressed to find out why police were so willing to give the lightning bolts away Ms Danielson explained that people who know how to correctly handle lightening bolts are becoming increasingly rare. "It's a lost art," Danielson explained. &qu…

History Of Wackemall: Part 51, Jefferson Bible

Previously, in History Of Wackemall: Part 4, we learned of how the man who eventually became President Thomas Jefferson wrote of Wackemall in an 1787 letter to William Stephens Smith but that would not be the last time the founding father wrote of Wackemall.

Historians have uncovered an early draft of the Jefferson Bible, also known as The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth in which Jefferson writes:

 “Never put off for tomorrow, what you can Wackemall today.”
Historians believe that because the Jefferson Bible was composed by cutting and pasting passages from the Bible along with Jefferson's notes, that Jefferson may have simply forgotten to glue that passage into his final version.

The History of Wackemall has proven to be as old as history itself. Perhaps even older. How far back mankind's relationship with Wackemall actually goes is impossible to know but we'll never give up trying to find the answers.

Please continue reading History Of Wackemall: Part 52, William Jen…

Downtown Greensboro Slated To Become Amusement Park

Greensboro, NC-- In the wake of changes in North Carolina law that require request for proposals (RFP) as part of a competitive bid process to select private agencies to meet the needs of Greensboro' Downtown Business Improvement district (BID) Downtown Greensboro Inc (DGI) President Zack Matheny has decided to raise the stakes.

As criticism mounts and the possibility looms ever present that DGI will be forced out of the business of managing the BID by the virtue of actual competition Methany has been forced to drink out of the box and in doing so has come up with a plan to convert the whole of Downtown into a vast amusement park.

His proposal includes a double Ferris wheel atop of Centre Pointe making Greensboro home to the world's tallest Ferris wheel and the world's longest roller coaster made possible by building the roller coaster from roof top to roof top all over downtown. "The roller coaster will be like a souped-up, supercharged tram," Matheny explained.…

Greensboro-Randolph Megasite Plans On Hold

Liberty, NC-- Hundreds of residents of Southern Guilford County and Northern Randolph County were forced to evacuate their homes this morning when giant beans began falling from a giant bean stalk that had apparently grown up overnight in the middle of the proposed site of the 2,000 acre Greensboro-Randolph Megasite area economic developers have been planning to build there in the false hope of attracting an automaker to North Carolina.

State and Federal environmental officials are saying that because this giant bean stalk is the only one currently known to exist it may fall under the Endangered Species Act and have therefore gotten a court order to stop all efforts to build the megasite until the status of the plant can be determined.

Alan Ferguson, an attorney with Fisher Park Law in Greensboro and resident of Randolph County lost several horses when a huge bean crashed through his barn allowing his horses to run away. "We've been working night and day to stop the megasite,…

City To Sell Mayor's Office

Greensboro, NC-- A proposal has been placed on the Greensboro City Council Agenda to sell the Melvin Municipal Building located at 300 West Washington Street in Downtown Greensboro adjacent to the Guilford County Court House.

The buyer, The Carroll Companies Inc. headquartered in Greensboro and owned by billionaire Roy Carroll, is proposing to convert the building, currently used as offices for the City of Greensboro, to a mixed use development
that includes luxury Section 8 apartments, condominiums, retail shops, a theater, downtown grocery store, a pool hall and office spaces.

The plan also includes meeting rooms, a rooftop greenhouse with aquaponics farm and vertical strawberry farms on the outside.

When asked his feelings about selling what is commonly known as city hall, City Councilman Tony Wilkins replied, "I don't see why not. No one is doing their jobs down there anyway, might as well fire them all and put the space to good use."

Greensboro Mayor Nancy Barakat…

Alien Spaceship Captured In Caswell County

Yanceyville, NC-- Caswell County Sheriff Michael Welch announced today that residents no longer need fear an alien invasion thanks to the hard work of Caswell County Sheriff's Deputies, the Cherry Grove Volunteer Fire Department and numerous members of the Old Ski Lodge including owner, Lauren Cobb who personally rescued several members of the search party who had fallen into Stony Creek while attempting to ford the creek on their motorcycles.

"I really don't know what we would have done without Lauren," Sheriff Welch said, "When people were falling she was always there to pick them back up."

Ms Cobb brushed it off saying, "When you run a bar for a living you kinda get used to picking people up and getting them back on their feet. This was just another day at the office without the office."

What was thought to be an alien space ship turned out to be a giant inflatable like those used in parades. It is believed the drop in temperature caused the He…

Alien Search Continues

Cherry Grove, NC-- The search for alien life forms continues after yesterday's early morning sighting of a giant spider like space ship landing near Stony Creek to the east of the Caswell County community of Cherry Grove.

Dozens of members of the nearby Old Ski Lodge located at 2611 Old NC Highway 87 in nearby Ossipee rode in on motorcycles braving the bitter cold to join in the search with Caswell County Sheriff's Deputies and volunteers from the Cherry Grove Volunteer Fire Department. Many were stuck in the mud and had to get off and walk to continue their search.

"We are more than happy to pitch in and do our part," said Old Ski Lodge owner, Lauren Cobb, "and as long as those boys want to stay out there we'll keep running shuttles with all the sandwiches and beer they need."

It was unclear as to whether the fire department or sheriff's department is picking up the costs at this time.

Caswell County Sheriff Michael Welch indicated this morning that …

Performing Arts Center Cost And Parking Problems Solved

Greensboro, NC-- Greensboro Mayor Nancy Barakat "Grasshopper" Vaughan is happy to announce the City of Greensboro and the Community Foundation of Greater Greensboro have found a solution that will save taxpayers roughly $65 Million Dollars and eliminate all concerns about not having enough available parking for the downtown Steven Tanger Center for the Performing Arts.

As the photo illustrates, they have decided to build a much smaller and scaled back version of STCPA that will allow for one level of parking immediately adjacent to the new aluminum structure.

"The reduced cost will allow the city to put the money where it's needed most," Mayor Vaughan said, "like helping those old people in Irving Park, Sedgefield and Starmount fix up those drafty old houses they live in and reduce their winter heating bills which can run into thousands of dollars per month."

"I agree," Councilman Tony Wilkins, the most conservative member of City…

Aliens Land In Cherry Grove

Cherry Grove, NC-- Residents of the southeastern Caswell County community of Cherry Grove were alarmed tonight when the alarm went off at the Cherry Grove Volunteer Fire Department on Cherry Grove Road.

Folks from as far away as Milesville and Camp Springs reported seeing what looked like a giant spider hovering above a wooded area near Stony Creek to the east of Cherry Grove.

Others insisted it was an alien space ship and that what looked like legs were actually landing gear.

Members of the Cherry Grove Volunteer Fire Department and Caswell County Sheriff's Department are searching the area tonight in the hope that they might locate whatever might have landed there.

People came from miles around and many cars got stuck when their owners drove to the end of Oakus Page Road and parked at Hall's Strawberry and Vegetable Farm. The Halls were less than happy about the damage to their fields with Mr Hall shouting, "We have illegals here all the time but they never make a mess …

History Of Wackemall: Part 50, William Shakespeare

While Bardolatry about English poet and playwright William Shakespeare (1564-1616) abounds, and some even believe the bard a gangster in his day, researchers working on the History Of Wackemall recently uncovered the following words from some of Shakespeare's unfinished works: 

"Misery acquaints a man with strange wackemall."
While historians are not sure, some believe William Shakespeare may have contracted the
Bubonic Plague in 1609 as did many living in London at that time and perhaps tried Wackemall as a means to reduce his suffering or possibly cure the disease.

The makers of Wackemall and make no claims as to the effectiveness of Wackemall on Bubonic Plague or other deadly diseases.

Please continue reading History Of Wackemall: Part 51, Jefferson Bible

History Of Wackemall: Part 49, Sir Winston Churchill

During World War II, Great Britain was brought to her knees when the German Luftwaffe switched tactics and began concentrating no longer against the bases of the Royal Air Force, but against the unprotected civilian populations of London and other major cities. The Germans stepped up their attacks forcing even police, firemen and ordinary British citizens to have to fight back.

British Prime Minister, Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965) himself a veteran of many wars and many more battles, finding himself under fire no less that 50 times, was no stranger to war, so when the Luftwaffe began bombing innocent women and children he raised the nation's moral by stating:

"We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and wackemall, and of a victory won not only for ourselves but for all."
And so once again we learn from the archives of the History Of Wackemall the many ways in which Wackemall has influenced the history of mankind throughout the ages.

Standing Tall On Stack Rock Mountain

Grant, NC-- Residents of the Randolph County community of Grant, just south of Asheboro, are on the lookout tonight for a 20' to 30' tall creature dubbed, Standing Tall, since it was first reported in Erect three days ago.

While no one has actually seen the creature, the giant footprints of a bipedal creature measuring 4' in length and almost 2' in width were found in the vicinity of Vestal Creek leading eastward to Stack Rock Mountain and in the direction of Carillon Assisted Living and the Cross Road Retirement Community. 

The Randolph County Sheriff’s Department brought their two new K-9 deputies: Deputy Dan and Deputy Odie, both bloodhounds, to track Standing Tall, but as soon as they got its scent both deputies returned directly to their boxes refusing to come back out.

While some are still calling this a hoax, Randolph County Deputies (not Deputy Dan and Deputy Odie) were quick to point out that whatever it was had broken tree limbs well over 20' above the gro…

Feetsfalloffus Handstoo No Longer A Danger

Kimesville, NC-- Researchers from the North Carolina Department of Health and Human Services, United States Center for Disease Control and Guilford County Health Department emerged from their temporary headquarters in Kimesville with news about the recent outbreak of  Feetsfalloffus Handstoo that has infected hundreds in Eastern Guilford County and Western Alamance County since Feetsfalloffus Handstoo was first discovered in Gibsonville on December 31, 2015.

A temporary headquarters was set up in Kimesville because researchers feared they too, might become infected with the deadly disease. The total expense to Guilford County taxpayers is said to be just under $20 Million Dollars according to public information records provided to Wackemall Network News by Alamance County Commissioner Linda Massey.

The total number of persons found to be suffering from Feetsfalloffus Handstoo was just one. When asked what was wrong with the hundreds of others, Kendra Gerlach of the North Carolina Depa…

Standing Tall In Erect

Erect, NC-- Not since the testing of Barrier One1, a system designed to stop potential truck bombs, has the community of Erect stood at attention but last night's events have people from as far away as Steeds, Yow Mill and Whynot, North Carolina erect this morning and on the lookout for something all of them fear but no one has seen.

Fresh foot prints measuring almost 4 feet in length were found headed southward across Circle T Farm on Erect Road headed in the direction of Teague Store and Mount Olivet Church.

Residents are worried as no animal this big has ever been seen in this area before. Some claim it to be a huge hoax while others suspect something has escaped from the nearby North Carolina Zoo less than 10 miles northwest of Erect.

Representatives from the NC Zoo were unavailable to comment as all of them appeared to be out looking for something, a penguin perhaps?

Representatives from Randolph County Animal Control speculated the animal walks erect on two feet, stands 20-30…

CIA Using Cats

Ramseur, NC-- Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing and Farming.... announced today they have entered into a long term contract with the Central Intelligence Agency to supply genetically modified cats to be used as spies in the war or terror.

When contacted, Harold Hartsoe, Chief Operating Officer for Wackemall, had the following to say, "Years ago, when we first invented Baradogs and Barakats, we quickly got the attention of the CIA. So they came to us and asked if we could raise the bar. So like every red blooded American I said, Damned straight, we can! Just tell us what you want and start signing blank checks from your secret bank accounts."

The newest invention is a genetically modified cat that has the ability to telepathically transmit what it sees and hears back to CIA listening posts from anywhere in the world. And because these new GM cats, code named Wackemcats, are identical to other cats no one will know if their cat, the neighbor's cat or the feral cats running a…

Virus Traced To Burlington Company

Burlington, NC-- Medical researchers looking for the source of the deadly virus Feetsfalloffus Handstoo which forced the closing and quarantine of the entire Town of Gibsonville yesterday have made their way to nearby Burlington where Burlington Police and Alamance County Deputies has blocked all access to Carolina Biological Supply-- a local supplier of  science and math education materials to teachers, college professors, home-school educators, and professionals in health and science-related fields throughought the United States.

Investigators with the North Carolina Department of Health and Human Services indicated they believed that an employee of Carolina Biological Supply improperly handled specimens imported from South America thus infecting himself, his family and possible friends and coworkers with  Feetsfalloffus Handstoo which rapidly spread to hundreds of residents all over Gibsonville.

Kendra Gerlach of the North Carolina Department of Health and Human Services, Office of…