Jan 30, 2016

Mayor Resting Comfortably After Attack

Winston-Salem, NC-- Officers from the Winston Salem Police Department responded to numerous complaints this morning of a man wildly running naked down residential streets, waving his arms and shouting, "Spider, Spider!"

When officers arrived on the scene the found and briefly arrested Winston-Salem Mayor Allen Joines on charges of disturbing the peace, indecent exposure and being a public nuisance.

Quickly realizing that Mayor Joines was possibly in shock or having some sort of medical emergency, transport to Wake Medical Center was arranged where doctors confirmed the Mayor was in shock.
Following up, police them went to Mayor Joines' home where they found his wife Peggy Joines hiding in a closet and a giant spider smoking a cigarette in the Joines' bed.

Forsyth County Animal Control was called in to attempt to capture the giant spider but when several attempts to subdue the creature using tranquilizer darts failed to produce any measurable results the Winston-Salem SWAT Team opened fire with tactical shotguns and automatic weapons splattering the beast all over the bedroom walls.

Tonight the Mayor is said to again be resting comfortably in his home with his wife.

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Jan 29, 2016

Downtown Thunder Struck

Greensboro, NC-- The Greensboro Police Department is hoping to find the owner of a lightning bolt that fell from the Melvin Municipal Building, bounced off several downtown buildings and struck Downtown Greensboro Incorporated President Zach Matheny late yesterday evening.

Speaking for the police department, Susan Danielson stated, "Zack will be fine, everything washes right of the little twerp, we just don't know how to turn the thing off and you can't handle a live lightning bolt until after it has been powered down. If the owner will come right away we'll be more than happy to give it back and give him or her several more old lightning bolts the City has been unable to dispose of if he or she wants them."

When pressed to find out why police were so willing to give the lightning bolts away Ms Danielson explained that people who know how to correctly handle lightening bolts are becoming increasingly rare. "It's a lost art," Danielson explained. "These people might not be with us that much longer and when they're gone there will be no one left to deal with lightning bolts."

When asked if she agreed that this was the best way to handle it Mayor Nancy Vaughan said, "I'm leaving this one entirely to the police department. Until Zack got struck I didn't know there was such a thing as a lightning bolt."

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Jan 21, 2016

History Of Wackemall: Part 51, Jefferson Bible

Previously, in History Of Wackemall: Part 4, we learned of how the man who eventually became President Thomas Jefferson wrote of Wackemall in an 1787 letter to William Stephens Smith but that would not be the last time the founding father wrote of Wackemall.

Historians have uncovered an early draft of the Jefferson Bible, also known as The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth in which Jefferson writes:

 “Never put off for tomorrow, what you can Wackemall today.”

Historians believe that because the Jefferson Bible was composed by cutting and pasting passages from the Bible along with Jefferson's notes, that Jefferson may have simply forgotten to glue that passage into his final version.

The History of Wackemall has proven to be as old as history itself. Perhaps even older. How far back mankind's relationship with Wackemall actually goes is impossible to know but we'll never give up trying to find the answers.

Please continue reading History Of Wackemall: Part 52, William Jennings Bryan

 

Downtown Greensboro Slated To Become Amusement Park

Greensboro, NC-- In the wake of changes in North Carolina law that require request for proposals (RFP) as part of a competitive bid process to select private agencies to meet the needs of Greensboro' Downtown Business Improvement district (BID) Downtown Greensboro Inc (DGI) President Zack Matheny has decided to raise the stakes.

As criticism mounts and the possibility looms ever present that DGI will be forced out of the business of managing the BID by the virtue of actual competition Methany has been forced to drink out of the box and in doing so has come up with a plan to convert the whole of Downtown into a vast amusement park.

His proposal includes a double Ferris wheel atop of Centre Pointe making Greensboro home to the world's tallest Ferris wheel and the world's longest roller coaster made possible by building the roller coaster from roof top to roof top all over downtown. "The roller coaster will be like a souped-up, supercharged tram," Matheny explained. "People will be able to board it at various locations all over downtown and parachute off anywhere they like."

Nine dunking booths are planned for City Center Park with members of the Greensboro City Council and Guilford County Commissioners filling them daily.

The soon to be completed Downtown Greenway will double as a Formula 1 style go-cart track with carts capable of speeds in excess of 75 miles per hour available to anyone who meets the minimum height requirement of 3'-6" tall.

Greensboro Coliseum Manager Matt Brown, who will be in charge of the new Coliseum-Performing Arts Center Authority that has yet to be named, expressed excitement as well. "During normal business hours the Steven Tanger Center for the Performing Arts will be as boring as any other performing arts center," Brown said. "But late night we bring out the strippers and the pole dancers on the tallest poles anyone has ever seen."

Methany explained that having these and many more amusements scattered all over downtown would be good for downtown businesses and help to keep DGI in business even if they should lose the BID to a competitor. "Bring on the competition," Methany laughed. "With $200 Million in City bonds DGI can move on to bigger and better things."


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Jan 16, 2016

Greensboro-Randolph Megasite Plans On Hold

Liberty, NC-- Hundreds of residents of Southern Guilford County and Northern Randolph County were forced to evacuate their homes this morning when giant beans began falling from a giant bean stalk that had apparently grown up overnight in the middle of the proposed site of the 2,000 acre Greensboro-Randolph Megasite area economic developers have been planning to build there in the false hope of attracting an automaker to North Carolina.

State and Federal environmental officials are saying that because this giant bean stalk is the only one currently known to exist it may fall under the Endangered Species Act and have therefore gotten a court order to stop all efforts to build the megasite until the status of the plant can be determined.

Alan Ferguson, an attorney with Fisher Park Law in Greensboro and resident of Randolph County lost several horses when a huge bean crashed through his barn allowing his horses to run away. "We've been working night and day to stop the megasite," Ferguson said, "but this wasn't what we had in mind. I can't even go back and search for my run away horses for fear a giant bean will come crashing down on me."
 
Walter Eaton, a Greensboro resident and professional wrestler with CWF Mid-Atlantic Wrestling called Wackemall Network News from approximately 3,000 feet up the giant bean stalk, "I may never make it to the top as a professional wrestler but I'm going to find the top of this MF bean stalk. And if there's an evil giant up there people better look out below 'cause I'm gonna put a .40 in his ass and send him down hard."

Former Greensboro Mayor Jim "Bobblehead" Melvin complained this is obviously an act of environmental terrorism designed by liberal activists intent on blocking the megasite at any cost. He believes the giant bean stalk is genetically modified. "Damn Liberals," Melvin was overheard shouting, "I'll show them. The Bryan Foundation will spend every penny it has to GM giant Bean Beatles to eat this thing right down to the roots."

Area farmers expressed concerns that giant Bean Beatles might get out of control. "Don't be silly," Melvin replied, "I've been the man around here for almost 50 years, EGBAR."

Realtor Sam Simpson who has been arranging the buying of properties for the megasite also seemed optimistic saying, "Well if we can't build a megasite then it looks like we've finally got ourselves a tourist attraction. Either way I still get my commissions and that's all that really matters."
 
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Jan 15, 2016

City To Sell Mayor's Office

Greensboro, NC-- A proposal has been placed on the Greensboro City Council Agenda to sell the Melvin Municipal Building located at 300 West Washington Street in Downtown Greensboro adjacent to the Guilford County Court House.

The buyer, The Carroll Companies Inc. headquartered in Greensboro and owned by billionaire Roy Carroll, is proposing to convert the building, currently used as offices for the City of Greensboro, to a mixed use development
that includes luxury Section 8 apartments, condominiums, retail shops, a theater, downtown grocery store, a pool hall and office spaces.

The plan also includes meeting rooms, a rooftop greenhouse with aquaponics farm and vertical strawberry farms on the outside.

When asked his feelings about selling what is commonly known as city hall, City Councilman Tony Wilkins replied, "I don't see why not. No one is doing their jobs down there anyway, might as well fire them all and put the space to good use."


Greensboro Mayor Nancy Barakat "Grasshopper" Vaughan seemed enthusiastic about the possibility of the sale. "Look, I know $10 Million is a little under what the building is worth but like some blogger pointed out recently, I only used my office telephone 47 times in 6 months. I'm almost never in the office so why pay to keep the building up?"

Roy Carroll was not available for comment but in an e-mail sent to Wackemall Network News
he wrote:

"I have long dreamed of transforming Greensboro into a thriving city with opportunity for the wealthy to take every available advantage of the poor. By combining Section 8 housing with luxury
condominiums that opportunity is here now. Unlike other projects that place the poor far away from what they need to survive we will give them everything they need under one roof.

And when they are all inside we'll lock the doors and throw away the keys."

 The proposal also calls for $100 Million Dollars in grants and incentives as part of a package of which the details have not yet been made public.

Councilman Mike Barber and Councilwoman Sharon Hightower are expected to argue over minority participation in the project with Barber rudely pointing out to Ms Hightower that it will be a privately owned project of which MWBE rules do not apply. Ms Hightower is expected to vote against the sale.

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Jan 13, 2016

Alien Spaceship Captured In Caswell County

Yanceyville, NC-- Caswell County Sheriff Michael Welch announced today that residents no longer need fear an alien invasion thanks to the hard work of Caswell County Sheriff's Deputies, the Cherry Grove Volunteer Fire Department and numerous members of the Old Ski Lodge including owner, Lauren Cobb who personally rescued several members of the search party who had fallen into Stony Creek while attempting to ford the creek on their motorcycles.

"I really don't know what we would have done without Lauren," Sheriff Welch said, "When people were falling she was always there to pick them back up."

Ms Cobb brushed it off saying, "When you run a bar for a living you kinda get used to picking people up and getting them back on their feet. This was just another day at the office without the office."

What was thought to be an alien space ship turned out to be a giant inflatable like those used in parades. It is believed the drop in temperature caused the Helium filled inflatable to float closer to the ground where it eventually became entangled in some trees. Caswell County Deputies tied the inflatable to the back of a patrol car and towed it to downtown Yanceyville with the help of Duke Energy, AT&T and Time Warner crews who disconnected utilities along the 15.3 mile route shown in blue on the map.

A spokesperson for the Caswell County Sheriff's Department indicated that the giant inflatable will be held in Yanceyville and dusted for fingerprints, searched, and the Vehicle Identification Number ran through a nationwide data base. If it should turn out that Elon University Associate Professor Tony Crider is involved as was first suspected then Caswell County will seek extradition.

While some complained about the cost of recovering what amounts to little more than an oversize balloon, Sheriff Welch said, "There was no way when the 911 operators started getting the calls that we could know what was actually out there. What if all those volunteers had failed to pitch in and a real threat was hiding in those woods? Lots of people could have been microwaved or shot by death rays by now."

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Alien Search Continues

Cherry Grove, NC-- The search for alien life forms continues after yesterday's early morning sighting of a giant spider like space ship landing near Stony Creek to the east of the Caswell County community of Cherry Grove.

Dozens of members of the nearby Old Ski Lodge located at 2611 Old NC Highway 87 in nearby Ossipee rode in on motorcycles braving the bitter cold to join in the search with Caswell County Sheriff's Deputies and volunteers from the Cherry Grove Volunteer Fire Department. Many were stuck in the mud and had to get off and walk to continue their search.

"We are more than happy to pitch in and do our part," said Old Ski Lodge owner,
Lauren Cobb, "and as long as those boys want to stay out there we'll keep running shuttles with all the sandwiches and beer they need."

It was unclear as to whether the fire department or sheriff's department is picking up the costs at this time.

Caswell County Sheriff Michael Welch indicated this morning that search crews have spotted something that might be the alien spacecraft. "We're still too far away to be sure exactly what it is,"
Sheriff Welch said, "but from a distance it looks like a giant spider. We intend to completely surround it and close in very slowly before we determine a plan of action as we have no idea what these aliens, if they are aliens, are capable of doing. Lauren, could you hand me another beer, Hon?"

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Jan 12, 2016

Performing Arts Center Cost And Parking Problems Solved

Greensboro, NC-- Greensboro Mayor Nancy Barakat "Grasshopper" Vaughan is happy to announce the City of Greensboro and the Community Foundation of Greater Greensboro have found a solution that will save taxpayers roughly $65 Million Dollars and eliminate all concerns about not having enough available parking for the downtown Steven Tanger Center for the Performing Arts.

As the photo illustrates, they have decided to build a much smaller and scaled back version of STCPA that will allow for one level of parking immediately adjacent to the new aluminum structure.

"The reduced cost will allow the city to put the money where it's needed most," Mayor Vaughan said, "like helping those old people in Irving Park, Sedgefield and Starmount fix up those drafty old houses they live in and reduce their winter heating bills which can run into thousands of dollars per month."

"I agree," Councilman Tony Wilkins, the most conservative member of City Council said, "These old people are retired, living on fixed incomes, it's the responsibility of the City of Greensboro to help them before we go spending more than we can afford on projects our working class citizens will never be able to afford to buy tickets to attend."

Local electricians, siding contractors, and carpenters complained that they still had not been paid for their ladders and wondered if the money existed to pay their bills.

Photo credit Zannie Witherspoon
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Aliens Land In Cherry Grove

Cherry Grove, NC-- Residents of the southeastern Caswell County community of Cherry Grove were alarmed tonight when the alarm went off at the Cherry Grove Volunteer Fire Department on Cherry Grove Road.

Folks from as far away as Milesville and Camp Springs reported seeing what looked like a giant spider hovering above a wooded area near Stony Creek to the east of Cherry Grove.

Others insisted it was an alien space ship and that what looked like legs were actually landing gear.

Members of the Cherry Grove Volunteer Fire Department and Caswell County Sheriff's Department are searching the area tonight in the hope that they might locate whatever might have landed there.

People came from miles around and many cars got stuck when their owners drove to the end of Oakus Page Road and parked at Hall's Strawberry and Vegetable Farm. The Halls were less than happy about the damage to their fields with Mr Hall shouting, "We have illegals here all the time but they never make a mess like this. What's wrong with you people?"

Others speculated this might be a hoax on the part of Elon University Associate Professor of Physics,
Tony Crider, in a effort to promote his presentation, Are We Alone?: The Probability of Alien Civilizations in our Galaxy.

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Jan 10, 2016

History Of Wackemall: Part 50, William Shakespeare

While Bardolatry about English poet and playwright William Shakespeare (1564-1616) abounds, and some even believe the bard a gangster in his day, researchers working on the History Of Wackemall recently uncovered the following words from some of Shakespeare's unfinished works: 

"Misery acquaints a man with strange wackemall."

While historians are not sure, some believe William Shakespeare may have contracted the
Bubonic Plague in 1609 as did many living in London at that time and perhaps tried Wackemall as a means to reduce his suffering or possibly cure the disease.

The makers of Wackemall and Wackemall.com make no claims as to the effectiveness of Wackemall on Bubonic Plague or other deadly diseases.

Please continue reading History Of Wackemall: Part 51, Jefferson Bible

Jan 9, 2016

History Of Wackemall: Part 49, Sir Winston Churchill

During World War II, Great Britain was brought to her knees when the German Luftwaffe switched tactics and began concentrating no longer against the bases of the Royal Air Force, but against the unprotected civilian populations of London and other major cities. The Germans stepped up their attacks forcing even police, firemen and ordinary British citizens to have to fight back.


British Prime Minister, Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965) himself a veteran of many wars and many more battles, finding himself under fire no less that 50 times, was no stranger to war, so when the Luftwaffe began bombing innocent women and children he raised the nation's moral by stating:

"We shall draw from the heart of suffering itself the means of inspiration and wackemall, and of a victory won not only for ourselves but for all."

And so once again we learn from the archives of the History Of Wackemall the many ways in which Wackemall has influenced the history of mankind throughout the ages.

Please continue reading History Of Wackemall: Part 50, William Shakespeare

Jan 8, 2016

Standing Tall On Stack Rock Mountain

Grant, NC-- Residents of the Randolph County community of Grant, just south of Asheboro, are on the lookout tonight for a 20' to 30' tall creature dubbed, Standing Tall, since it was first reported in Erect three days ago.

While no one has actually seen the creature, the giant footprints of a bipedal creature measuring 4' in length and almost 2' in width were found in the vicinity of Vestal Creek leading eastward to Stack Rock Mountain and in the direction of Carillon Assisted Living and the Cross Road Retirement Community. 

The Randolph County Sheriff’s Department brought their two new K-9 deputies: Deputy Dan and Deputy Odie, both bloodhounds, to track Standing Tall, but as soon as they got its scent both deputies returned directly to their boxes refusing to come back out.

While some are still calling this a hoax, Randolph County Deputies (not Deputy Dan and Deputy Odie) were quick to point out that whatever it was had broken tree limbs well over 20' above the ground.

No one was answering the telephone at Randolph County Animal Control and representatives from the nearby North Carolina Zoo appeared to still all be out searching for their penguin.

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Jan 6, 2016

Feetsfalloffus Handstoo No Longer A Danger

Kimesville, NC-- Researchers from the North Carolina Department of Health and Human Services, United States Center for Disease Control and Guilford County Health Department emerged from their temporary headquarters in Kimesville with news about the recent outbreak of  Feetsfalloffus Handstoo that has infected hundreds in Eastern Guilford County and Western Alamance County since Feetsfalloffus Handstoo was first discovered in Gibsonville on December 31, 2015.

A temporary headquarters was set up in Kimesville because researchers feared they too, might become infected with the deadly disease. The total expense to Guilford County taxpayers is said to be just under $20 Million Dollars according to public information records provided to Wackemall Network News by Alamance County Commissioner Linda Massey.

The total number of persons found to be suffering from Feetsfalloffus Handstoo was just one. When asked what was wrong with the hundreds of others, Kendra Gerlach of the North Carolina Department of Health and Human Services, Office of Communications, indicated that doctors believed that most likely the rest were simply having negative reactions to flue shots.

No one could explain how the mix up occurred nor would they release the name of the one person who died from Feetsfalloffus Handstoo citing doctor-patient confidentiality requirements and something about a hippopotamus or hippo as they kept saying.

The Burlington Police Department announced they had released the blockade of Carolina Biological Supply and the employees there can now go home.

No one would comment on if residents should be concerned about the hippopotamus.

This edition of  Wackemall Network News is made possible by the existence of Martin Materials, 336-697-1800. 4801 Richardson Village Way Greensboro, NC 27405. Turning big 'uns into little 'uns so you don't have to.

Jan 5, 2016

Standing Tall In Erect

Erect, NC-- Not since the testing of Barrier One1, a system designed to stop potential truck bombs, has the community of Erect stood at attention but last night's events have people from as far away as Steeds, Yow Mill and Whynot, North Carolina erect this morning and on the lookout for something all of them fear but no one has seen.

Fresh foot prints measuring almost 4 feet in length were found headed southward across Circle T Farm on Erect Road headed in the direction of Teague Store and Mount Olivet Church.

Residents are worried as no animal this big has ever been seen in this area before. Some claim it to be a huge hoax while others suspect something has escaped from the nearby North Carolina Zoo less than 10 miles northwest of Erect.

Representatives from the NC Zoo were unavailable to comment as all of them appeared to be out looking for something, a penguin perhaps?

Representatives from Randolph County Animal Control speculated the animal walks erect on two feet, stands 20-30 feet tall and could weigh as much as 5 tons but said without actually seeing the animal they couldn't be sure. "This ain't your average stray dog," one animal control officer was overheard saying to another, "And if you think I'm running in those woods after that thing with nothing more than a tranq gun and a butterfly net... Well screw you, Hot shot, I'm going to be screwing your wife after you're gone. I'll be the one who's erect while you're horizontal six feet under."

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Jan 2, 2016

CIA Using Cats

Ramseur, NC-- Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing and Farming.... announced today they have entered into a long term contract with the Central Intelligence Agency to supply genetically modified cats to be used as spies in the war or terror.

When contacted, Harold Hartsoe, Chief Operating Officer for Wackemall, had the following to say, "Years ago, when we first invented Baradogs and Barakats, we quickly got the attention of the CIA. So they came to us and asked if we could raise the bar. So like every red blooded American I said, Damned straight, we can! Just tell us what you want and start signing blank checks from your secret bank accounts."

The newest invention is a genetically modified cat that has the ability to telepathically transmit what it sees and hears back to CIA listening posts from anywhere in the world. And because these new GM cats, code named Wackemcats, are identical to other cats no one will know if their cat, the neighbor's cat or the feral cats running around the neighborhood are spies or not.

Once introduced into the cat population the GM cats will crossbreed with natural cats until eventually all cats become Wackemcats-- a process expected to take 7-10 generations.

Animal rights activists complained saying such actions would lead to the unnecessary deaths and possible torture of thousands, if not millions of cats worldwide.

Salam Ismail Najm, Minister of Information of Daesh (ISIS), believes it is all a decoy. "It's not cats we have to fear," Najm said in a conference call with reporters this morning. "The CIA is putting this technology in goats. This will force us to kill all our goats causing many innocent women and children to starve to death. This is an American war on women and children."

In Washington politicians on both sides of the isle were expressing concerns that the CIA might again overstep its bounds and use Wackemcats to spy on Americans. When asked if this might be of concern, CIA Director John O. Brennan said, "Tell it to your cat."

Stay tuned for more on this story and other fast breaking news at Wackemall Network News
brought to you by Hanks Auto Tech and Repair, 4301 B Burlington Road, Greensboro, North Carolina, 27405 Billy Hanks Just doesn't know it yet.

Jan 1, 2016

Virus Traced To Burlington Company

Burlington, NC-- Medical researchers looking for the source of the deadly virus Feetsfalloffus Handstoo which forced the closing and quarantine of the entire Town of Gibsonville yesterday have made their way to nearby Burlington where Burlington Police and Alamance County Deputies has blocked all access to Carolina Biological Supply-- a local supplier of  science and math education materials to teachers, college professors, home-school educators, and professionals in health and science-related fields throughought the United States.

Investigators with the North Carolina Department of Health and Human Services indicated they believed that an employee of Carolina Biological Supply improperly handled specimens imported from South America thus infecting himself, his family and possible friends and coworkers with  Feetsfalloffus Handstoo which rapidly spread to hundreds of residents all over Gibsonville.


Kendra Gerlach of the North Carolina Department of Health and Human Services, Office of Communications, indicated that a cure for the deadly disease would soon be made available. "Our researchers have been working 'round the clock," Ms Gerlach stated. "My bosses assure me we should have four or five doses of an antidote for Feetsfalloffus Handstoo available in just a month or so."

"Well it looks like we're going to have our work cut out for us," Gibsonville Town Manager, Ben Baxley remarked. "We'll have to clean everything up ourselves after everyone else dies. I guess it's good the Mayor was out of town for the holidays, we're going to need the help."

This edition of the Wackemall Network News has been brought to you by Carolina Biological Supply, 2700 York Road, Burlington, NC 27215-3398 • 800.334.5551

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for updates and the latest breaking stories.