Showing posts from December, 2015

Gibsonville Infected With Feetsfalloffus

Gibsonville, NC-- Residents of this rural bedroom community on the eastern edge of Guilford County between Greensboro and Burlington are in panic this morning as a rare virus known as Feetsfalloffus Handstoo has suddenly infected hundreds of residents there.

According to the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia the virus is commonly found in native populations living in remote isolation along the far reaches of the Amazon River in South America but those populations are rarely effected because thousands of years of exposure have rendered most of them immune.

Feetsfalloffus Handstoo causes those who become infected to be unable to walk or pick-up anything. Bleeding to death is common as well.

In a press conference this morning, Gibsonville Town Manager, Ben Baxley, warned that all residents must remain in their homes and not venture outside until the crisis is over. "Until we get a handle on this there's really nothing we can do," Baxley said, "If you go out…

History Of Wackemall: Part 48, Stephen Crane

Stephen Crane (1871-1900) While best known as the author of The Red Badge of Courage, Steven T Crane was also known as a prolific poet, novelist, and short story writer who throughout his short life, influenced many of the greats of his day and those to come later with his realism, naturalism, impressionism and innovation considered to be the greatest of his day.

So it was hardly a shock to historians studying the History Of Wackemall to find the following passage in an early draft of Crane's 1899 publication, War Is Kind.

"A man said to the universe: 
"Sir I exist!" 
"However," replied the universe, 
"The fact has not created in me 
A sense of wackemall."
It's not known if it was Crane or his publisher who eventually changed the poem prior to publication. Perhaps it was felt the impressionism was too great for the times, the innovation too big for acceptance. Whatever the reason it died with Steven T Crane over a century ago leaving the the H…

History Of Wackemall: Part 47, Galileo

Galileo Galilei (1564 – 1642), was an Italian astronomer, physicist, engineer, philosopher, and mathematician who no doubt played a major role in the scientific revolution during the Renaissance. His accomplishments include improvements in navigation, mathematics, discovery of previously unknown planets and their moons, advancements in the understanding of gravity and the discovery of sunspots.

 Galileo has been called the "father of observational astronomy" the "father of modern physics", and the "father of modern science" but his achievements weren't always accepted as such by the powers that be during his day. Such was the case when Galileo argued with Pope Urban VIII and the Jesuits,

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with Wackemall has intended us to forgo its use."
And so it was the Roman Catholic Church decided to allow the upper classes the use of Wackemall until the Jesuits could determine if it w…

Wackembucks: A Solution To America's Economic Crisis

While we here in the news team at Wackemall Network News are loath to report it, the following is yet another example of the dark side of modern journalism as our corporate masters continue to present problems as solutions in the never ending corporate takeover of the world. In other words, what you are about to read is yet another infomercial filled with nonsense purported to be facts.

Ramseur, NC-- Be it Wackemdust for crowd control, Wackemelves for those of you who simply haven't the time to get it all done, Barridogs, Barricats, Barricows and Barrigoats for contractors, farmers and landscape maintenance, or even the answer to consumer credit needs, Wackemcards, the folks at Wackemall Products just keep coming up with better and better ideas.

Why who can forget Wackemall Rx and Wackemall Rx for Women and how the guys in the white jackets in the Wackemall labs solved the problems of millions of people around the world? So in keeping with our goal to make the world a better pl…

Church Of The Radioactive God Opens

McLeansville, NC-- Ministry Associate Larry Tucker's faith wasn't shaken when a truck loaded with radioactive isotopes including Uranium-235-- a highly enriched form of nuclear material used in electrical power plants and weapons-- crashed into McLeansville Baptist Church a few weeks ago during Sunday morning services.

"We just saw it as a sign," Tucker said. "Sure, it scared us but nobody was hurt and in a few days all the elders started feeling younger like maybe the radiation was good for us or something."

That's when members of the congregation got together and started talking about sharing this unexpected gift with others who might not usually come to McLeansville Baptist Church.

And so the idea to change the name of the church to the Church of the Radioactive God was born.

Mr Tucker assures Wackemall Network News that he and the rest of the congregation still believe in all the things that other Baptists believe in, it's just that now they glo…

Greensboro To Get Grand Prix

Greensboro, NC-- Greensboro City Councilwomen Sharon Hightower and Nancy Hoffman announced today they are planning to bring the world's longest and most grueling Grand Prix Road Racing circuit to Greensboro City streets.

If approved by the rest of City Council the route would take in several Greensboro City Parks including Greensboro Country Park, Barber Park and Keeley Park while passing through numerous Greensboro neighborhoods and residential areas for an overall course length of approximately 30 miles. Speeds in excess of 290 miles per hour are to be expected on some parts of the road course.

"Our hope," Councilwoman Hoffman said, "is to lure the United States Grad Prix, currently held on a 12 mile track just outside of Austin, Texas, to Greensboro. We think that by offering the racers the chance to go faster than they have ever gone before they will convince the Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile to bring the United States Grand Prix and other road …

City Council Wants More Land For Ski Resort

Greensboro, NC-- After yesterday's protests and an appearance by Goldie Wells and members of the East Greensboro group, Citizens for Economic and Environmental Justice, the Greensboro City Council decided last night that more land would be needed to build the 10,000 foot high mountain ski resort as proposed by City Councilmen Jamal Fox and Tony Wilkins.

In addressing the City Council last night, Goldie Wells stated that at the 1,000 acres of the White Street Landfill would not make a big enough footprint for a 10,000 foot tall mountain. Councilman Mike Barber agreed and motioned that the City of Greensboro immediately vote to take the communities of Woodmeer Park and Kings Forest by eminent domain.

Councilwoman Sharon Hightower seconded after much discussion about MWBE (Minority and Women Businesses) and the vote passed 8-0 with Councilwoman Yvonne Johnson being forced to abstain from voting because her home is in King's Forest.

Ms Wells and members of the Citizens for Economi…

Neighbors Protest Proposed East Greensboro Ski Resort

Greensboro, NC-- This morning, former Greensboro City Councilwoman Goldie Wells lead members of the East Greensboro group, Citizens for Economic and Environmental Justice to protest the ski resort proposed by Councilmen Jamal Fox and Tony Wilkins set to go before City Council at tonight's regularly scheduled City Council Meeting.

Reporters for Wackemall Network News spoke briefly with Greensboro Mayor Nancy Barakat "Grasshopper" Vaughan who had the following to say, "I don't know why Goldie has her panties in such a wad. She's been harping more development for East Greensboro for the last twenty plus years. Tony and Jamal come up with the biggest tourist attraction to come to the Piedmont Triad since trains were invented and Goldie gets bent all out of shape."

"Yeah," Councilman Fox added, "you just can't please the old busy body. We're building this thing in her back yard."

Ms Wells and others from  Citizens for Economic an…

East Greensboro To Get Ski Resort

Greensboro, NC-- Long plagued by economic woes and corrupt government, the poverty stricken community of East Greensboro may soon be getting some relief.

In an ambitious move, District 5 Councilman Tony Wilkins has teamed up with District 2 Council Jamal Fox in announcing they plan to bring the first ski resort in Piedmont North Carolina to East Greensboro.

The plan calls for building a 10,000 foot peak on the current site of the White Street Landfill, currently closed to municipal solid waste but still open to yard waste and construction and demolition waste. According to Councilman Wilkins the City of Greensboro spends over $1 Million Dollars a year on leaf removal. "We pay out the yin-yang to pick up those leaves," Wilkins said, "it's time we figured out how to turn them into an asset."

If approved by City Council the plan calls for the closing of the Walmart and the Lowes Home Improvement stores on East Cone Boulevard so that both may be converted to ski lod…

Robots To Be Replaced By Amoebas

Research Triangle Park, NC-- First it was white Americans who no longer wanted to do manual labor and were replaced by African-Americans. Then African-Americans were replaced by Hispanics who worked longer hours for lower wages. Eventually the machines came and the age of computers and robots put even the Hispanics out of work and plunged the nation's economy into the worst depression since our nation's founding. Years later it seems there is no way out.

But today researchers in North Carolina's Research Triangle Park announced they've finally figured out a way to stick it to the machines. Bio-tech company, TeraDiscoveries Inc. company president and CEO. Ed Addison, announced today that his company had discovered a way to control single celled animals known as amoebas to get millions, even billions of them to work together to complete any task no matter how large.

"The cycle of evolution has finally come full circle," Mr Addison said today. "What began mi…

Road Rage

There is was on the back of his rig. The jerk in the truck in front of me had just cut me off and right before my eyes, on the back of his truck were the big bold words, "Don't like the way I drive? Call someone that gives a wackemall. Dial 1-800-W A C K E M A L L"

"What the wackemall?" I shouted. "Who do these people think they are?" To say I was pissed would have surely been an understatement.

Traffic slowed to a crawl, I was stuck behind the jerk looking at nothing but the sign on the back of his truck. I grabbed my cell and dialed 1-800- W- A- C   K -E- M -A , seven numbers just like any other phone number. Then I heard it, "You cannot complete your call as dialed. Please hang up and try again."

"Wackemall!" I shouted as traffic came to a complete stop. "Maybe I dialed it wrong. I dialed again, carefully, 1-800- W- A- C   K -E-M -A . "You cannot complete your call as dialed. Please hang up and try again."


History Of Wackemall: Part 46, Glenn Beck

Usually when people talk about history they think hundreds and thousands of years in the past and while  the History Of Wackemall dates back thousands of years our historians are also busy recording our history as it happens.

Glenn Beck (1964- ?)  American television personality, author, conservative political commentator, and radio host famously said,

“The most used phrase in my administration if I were to be president would be 'What the hell you mean we're out of Wackemall?"He blamed his shortage of Wackemall on Progressive Suspension by "Crime Inc." but was never able to prove his accusations and was never able to produce receipts to prove that he had ever purchased any Wackemall.

Mr Beck was never able to explain what motorcycle springs had to do with his missing Wackemall but historians speculate that if his springs were damaged his Wackemall might have bounced out of his saddlebags while riding down a bumpy sidewalk.

Please continue reading  History Of Wa…

Sasquatch Go On Sale Friday

Asheboro, NC-- Family Pet Center of Asheboro announced today that beginning on Friday they will have a limited number of hand fed Sasquatch for sale at their Fayettville Street location.

These Sasquatch are 6th generation domestically raised stock descended from wild Sasquatch brought back by Sir Edmond Hillary when he first ascended Mount Everest in 1953.

Jason Allen, a wildlife biologist with the NC Wildlife Resources Commission argued that the animals were really Yeti, also known as Abominable Snowmen, and not Sasquatch which are native only to North America.

A spokesperson for the Pet Center said Sasquatch make great pets, are affectionate, kind and very protective of children if given the proper training. A Sasquatch can do the work of several men, rarely gets sick and tends to keep to itself except when called upon. And nothing more than strong walls and doors are required to keep them contained.

It is believed these are the first Sasquatch to ever go on sale to the public. Prices …

Coal Ash Discovered To Be Non Toxic

Eden, NC-- Researchers for the North Carolina Department of Environmental and Natural Resources (NC DENR) the environmental agency tasked with monitoring emissions and other industrial pollution, announced today they are cancelling orders to clean up 30 coal ash ponds at 14 different locations across the state including Duke Energy's Dan River site where the nation's 3rd largest coal ash spill in history took place in February of 2014.

Calling the dangers a "bunch of wackemall"  Eden Mayor Wayne Tuggle, Sr said, "We don't need to haul that coal ash away. We can spread it out on folks' driveways and country roads like we've been doing 'round these parts for years. Why it packs really tight after just a few weeks of driving over it."

Mayor Tuggle went on to explain that instead of hauling Eden's coal ash away, he and the rest of the Eden Town Council along with Rockingham County Commissioners, are looking for a site large enough to store al…

History Of Wackemall: Part 45, Elvis Presley

If ever there was a biggest fan of Wackemall it was without a doubt Elvis Aaron Presley
(1935--1977)"the King of Rock and Roll"  who went down in history as having sold over 600 million records, won three Grammys, received the Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award, and was inducted into multiple music halls of fame.

But those who knew him best knew him for his part in the History Of Wackemall as many of Elvis' most popular love songs like Love Me Tender and All Shook Up were written not for women but to express his love for Wackemall. Even Heartbreak Hotel was written at a time when Elvis ran out of Wackemall while on tour and couldn't get any more for several weeks.

Elvis as he was known to friends and fans alike, often came to visit the old Wackemall mines beneath Greensboro, North Carolina whenever he was touring nearby. It was there he would always buy all the Wackemall the tour bus could carry. And it was there we often heard Elvis express his true feelings for W…

Wackemdust Crowd Control Alternatives

In keeping with Edward Bernays' time honored beliefs that "propaganda and purposely created news were legitimate tools of his business" and that  "that the manipulation of public opinion was a necessary part of democracy" we here at Wackemall Network News bring you this latest thinly veiled attempt at corporate propaganda.

Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing & Farming... is proud to announce the latest breakthrough from Wackemall Labs-- the same people who brought you  Barridogs and Barricats, the Wackemcard, and Wackemall Therapy Services.

Beginning on December 24, 2014, Wackemall Labs will begin shipping to newest and most effective form of non lethal crowd control ever invented to police departments throughout the United States of America and Canada.

Wackemdust is made from 100% pure, organic Wackemall mined in Ramseur, North Carolina mixed with other undisclosed ingredients protected by trade secret laws. Wackemdust has no harmful side effects, is non tox…