PIGs Fight For Gerbils Rights

Greensboro, NC-- Members of the animal rights group, PIGs (People Idolizing Gerbils) gathered in front of the Guilford County Sheriff's Department in downtown Greensboro this morning demanding the release of thousands of captured gerbils being held in undisclosed locations by the Guilford County and Forsyth County Sheriffs Departments.

Despite the rain, Greensboro City Councilwoman Nancy Hoffman, who cofounded PIGs along with her friend, Greensboro businesswoman Dawn Cheney, read the following prepared statement to those in attendance: "We demand equal rights for gerbils. Sheriff Barnes and Sheriff Schatzman are holding thousands of poor gerbils in undisclosed locations without having read them their rights or given them the chance to call their lawyers. They're treating them like animals, holding them without having pressed any charges and violating their rights to due process. We have no way of knowing what kinds of deplorable conditions they are holding them under or if they are still alive. We don't know if these poor gerbils are subject to being tortured. If there were your gerbils you would want to be assured of their safe and just treatment and the protection of their constitutional rights. These gerbils have no one so we PIGs must stand up for them."

The audience of a dozen or so strangely dressed protesters including Ms Cheney, shouted in agreement as they waved signs saying, "Equal flights for gerbils" and "God told Pharaoh to let our gerbils go."

One man holding a sign that read, "Gerbils taste like chicken" was attacked by the protesting PIGs and had to be taken away via ambulance to Wesley Long Hospital where doctors say he suffered only minor bites and scratches that were surprisingly like those made by rodents.

The Forsyth and Guilford County Sheriffs Departments issued the following joint statement:

"Thousands of gerbils are without a doubt difficult to manage but we are doing our best to take good care of them. It's true that they haven't been read their rights but that's because we haven't been able to locate a translator anywhere in the United States or Europe that speaks Gerbil. We are now reaching out to other parts of the world in hopes of finding a qualified translator. As to their phone calls: each and every time we have offered them telephones the gerbils chewed the cords off the phones. We're now down to just one hard wired phone and need to keep it in-case of emergencies."

Councilwoman Hoffmann indicated her PIGs would next attack the Forsyth County Sheriff's Department.

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates on this and other breaking stories.

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