Gerbils Attack

Summerfield, NC--  Residents of this Guilford County community were shocked today when thousands of Gerbils came running from the woods near the Haw River, chewed their way into houses and eating Wackemall stored in residents' homes and garages throughout the towns of Summerfield, Oak Ridge and Stokesdale.

This follows an earlier report by Drew Donnell, Oak Ridge resident and owner of Donnell's Towing Auto Sales & Parts that thousands of small rodents were seen escaping from the science department at Oak Ridge Military Institute. When asked why nothing had been done following Mr Donnell's report a representative from the Guilford County Sheriff's department said, "Well you know how Drew is, sometimes it's a little hard for our deputies to take him seriously."

Residents returned from Sunday morning church services to find thousands of angry gerbils occupying dozens of homes in northwestern Guilford County. Efforts are still underway to remove the gerbils from the homes, so far with little success as they cover the homes like giant moving carpets.

Unconfirmed rumors are that these gerbils have been used for testing and that Oak Ridge Military Institute is involved in testing secret weapons uses for Wackemall for the United States Army. Neither the Army nor the Institute were available for comment.

Sheriff B J Barnes stated there were no serious injuries and that the worst injury treated thus far had been a twisted ankle due to a young woman jumping out her second story window wearing only high heels. The hospital refused to release her name pending contact with next of kin.

Oak Ridge resident and attorney Sam Spagnola of The Spagnola Law Firm is reaching out to effected residents to explore the possibility of a class action law suit saying, "While we don't yet know for certain who is responsible for these killer gerbils we need to have our case ready as soon as we find out who we can sue."

Attorneys for Oak Ridge Military Institute issued a statement saying Mr Spagnola is a liberal ambulance chaser.

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates on this and other stories.

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