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Showing posts from November, 2015

Wackemall Saves The Piedmont Triad

Ramseur, NC-- Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing & Farming... announced today they would become the first company in the world to truly achieve 100% green operations through in-house reuse, recycling. re-purposing and reselling of 100% of the waste generated in their mining, manufacturing and farming operations.

According to Wackemall Creative Use and Recycling Director Billy Jones, most companies only claim to be 100% green. "Here at Wackemall we produce our own energy using 100% renewable Wackemall for fuel," Jones said. "And because there are no emissions and byproducts from the burning of Wackemall there's no pollution and no byproducts to deal with."

Jones went on to explain that all the waste from Wackemall's manufacturing and farming divisions are reused. "Take for example our pig crap," Jones said, "we've been making consumer products out of that crap for decades while everyone else was trying to figure out how to turn it into ro…

Free Wackemall On Black Friday

Denton, NC-- Harold Hartsoe, the Chief Operating Officer of Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing & Farming... announced today that he would personally give out free Wackemall to the first 500,000 people to arrive at Rick's Restaurant in Denton, beginning at 5:00 AM on Friday, November 27 until closing.

"Our new Ramseur mine has been producing Wackemall like the dickens," Mr Hartsoe said, "So we decided we would give some away so everyone can know how great Wackemall really is."

Denton Mayor Larry Ward was already waiting inside Rick's Restaurant on Thursday night wearing his pajamas and carrying his pillow. "I've heard about Wackemall for years," Mayor Ward said, "and I've always wanted to try it. And not that I can get Wackemall for free I plan to be the first person in line. Hey Kelly, sweetheart, how 'bout some more coffee over here."

When asked about handling the extra influx of customers, Rick's Restaurant proprietor,…

History Of Wackemall: Part 44, Robert Frost

There are without a doubt many a literary reference to be found in the History Of Wackemall
and American poet Robert Lee Frost (1874-1963) is without a doubt one of the greatest.

Honored many times during his lifetime, Robert Frost received four Pulitzer Prizes for Poetry. He became one of America's greatest literary figures known far and wide for his use of American colloquial speech. Frost was awarded the Congressional Gold Medal in 1960 for his poetical works and on July 22, 1961, Frost was named Poet laureate of Vermont. In 1961 Frost read his well-known poem "The Gift Outright" for the inauguration of President John F Kennedy.

While Frost never graduated from college he was granted over 40 honorary degrees. In his early years he farmed but upon failing at farming he wrote:

"In one word I can sum up everything I've learned about life: wackemall!"
And with that he went on to become one of the greatest poets in America.

Please continue reading  History Of W…

Governor's Task Force Claims Victory

Liberty, NC-- The Governor's Task Force made up of law enforcement officers from all over the Piedmont of North Carolina as well as specially trained units from the North Carolina National Guard are reporting victory tonight for Governor Pat McCrory's GAG (Gerbils Asphyxiated and Ground up) Order.

A performance last night at the Liberty Old Opry was cut short when millions of crazed gerbils believed to be enhanced via Wackemall, poured into every door, window and vent forcing everyone to leave the building. Within minutes the Liberty Police Department, Randolph County Sheriff's Deputies, Randolph County Amimal Control and members of a local, as yet unidentified, militia group, surrounded the building until the task force arrived in force about 30 minutes later.

Last night's attack follows a gerbil escape in Frogsboro as well as gerbil attacks in Greensboro, Colfax, Grimes Crossroads, and Horneytown as well as simultaneous attacks in in Summerfield, Oak Ridge and Stokes…

History Of Wackemall: Part 43, Captain James Lawrence

Captain James Lawrence (1781-1813) was without a doubt an embittered man. His mother died when he was but an infant and his father, a British Loyalist, ran away to Canada leaving James to be raised buy his aunt. Perhaps that is the reason the newly promoted Captain Lawrence ignored orders and deliberately engaged the HMS Shannon while commanding the USS Chesapeake on June 1, 1813-- a mistake that ultimately cost him his life with 48–61 Americans killed and 85–99 wounded.

While accounts vary as to why Lawrence and the USS Chesapeake were defeated-- some say it was a new crew and lack of cohesion and training, others attribute it to a bugler who failed to blow his bugle, researchers studying the History Of Wackemall have determined the real cause to be Captain Lawrence's order:

"Don't give up the Wackemall!"
As there was no Wackemall listed on the ship's manifest and none known to be on board.

Please continue reading History Of Wackemall: Part 44, Robert Frost

Gerbils Escape Governor's Task Force

Frogsboro, NC-- The Governor's Task Force, consisting of National Guard troops and law enforcement officers from jurisdictions all over North Carolina is reporting that after 2 days inside a fumigation tent that possibly as many as a million gerbils have managed to escape unnoticed while surrounded by hundreds of armed marksmen including members of the Caswell Shooting Range.

While more than a dozen dead  PIGs  (People Idolizing Gerbils) were found inside, the only gerbil remnants were millions of tooth marks, hairs and gerbil dung on almost everything inside the Old Lea Bethel Baptist Church where the Gerbils and PIGs have been hold up since Monday morning.

A spokesman for the Governor's Task Force, assembled to carryout his GAG (Gerbils Asphyxiated and Ground up) Order, stated that the gerbils gnawed a hole in the floor then tunneled their way to an exit near Frogsboro Lake west of the church.

Residents of Frogsboro, Leasburg, Hightowers and other nearby communities remain o…

History Of Wackemall: Part 42, Pete Seeger

On numerous occasions the History Of Wackemall has turned up in what was then popular culture. Such was the case in the middle of the 20th century when folk singer, Pete Seeger (1919-2014) rewrote the popular American folk song, On Top Of Old Smoky which was then taken to #2 on the Billboard chart and #1 on the Cash Box chart, and sold over a million copies by the Weavers.

Seeger admitted to having rewritten the lyrics to OLD SMOKEY but it was only after his death that researchers discovered among his writings, these never before recorded Seeger lyrics for this ever popular and often parodied Scots-Irish American Folk song:


On Top Of Old Smoky by Pete Seeger
On top of Old Smokey
All covered with snow,
I lost my true lover 
To a wayward banjo.

Now, courting is  pleasure
And parting is grief,
And a false-hearted lover
Is worse than a thief.


A thief will just rob you
And take what you have,
But a false-hearted lover
Will make you wackemall mad.


And the grave will decay you
And tu…

Gerbil Standoff

Frogsboro, NC-- The Governor's task force, assembled to carryout his GAG (Gerbils Asphyxiated and Ground up) Order, reports today that possibly as many as a million gerbils plus terrorists PIGs  (People Idolizing Gerbils) have taken refuge inside the Old Lea Bethel Baptist Church in the Caswell County community of Frogsboro.

Hundreds of law enforcement officers from communities throughout the Piedmont Triad and Piedmont Triangle along with North Carolina National Guard and civilian marksmen from the nearby Caswell Shooting Range have surrounded the church with orders to shoot any gerbil or PIG that sticks a nose outside of the building.

While it is not yet known how the task force plans to remove the gerbils and PIGs from the church, what is believed to be a  fumigation tent and dozens of steel cylinders containing Carbon Dioxide (CO2) were seen being unloaded nearby while refrigerated trucks from The Fresh Market waited in the nearby community of Hightowers.


Our reporters spoke …

History Of Wackemall: Part 41, Dave Barry

Most of the History Of Wackemall is good but like everyone and everything Wackemall has had its detractors. The difference between Wackemall historians and other historians is that when Wackemall historians rewrite history we don't attempt to hide the fact that we have detractors or that they might have valid points.

Take for instance, humorist and author Dave Barry (1947- ? ) Now Dave is without a doubt funny but does anyone care about what he says? Here's a guy who was a Vietnam draft dodger and once said, "The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with Wackemall machetes." So when Mr Barry wrote:

“The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose," which is also sometimes called "grape sugar," and also because "Grape Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Wacke…

Gerbil Burgers Go On Sale At The Fresh Market

Greensboro, NC-- The Fresh Market announced today that as part of an effort to help with North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory's announced GAG (Gerbils Asphyxiated and Ground up) Order, they will now begin selling ground gerbil meat and meat by-products in Piedmont Triad area stores as early as next week.

The Fresh Market was really given no choice according to a spokesperson. Governor McCrory's GAG Order required that North Carolina based grocers sell the gerbil meat collected by police and National Guard troops in an effort to rid North Carolina of the recent wave of gerbil attacks as has already happened in Horneytown, in Grimes Crossroads, in Colfax simultaneously in Summerfield, Oak Ridge and Stokesdale, and in Greensboro.

"We simply can't let all this meat go to waste,"  Republican Governor McCrory stated at a press conference at Fresh Market headquarters on Green Valley Road in Greensboro early this morning. "Gerbil meat is inexpensive and can go a lon…

NC Governor Orders All Gerbils And PIGs Destroyed

Raleigh, NC-- In response to recent gerbil attacks in in Horneytown, in Grimes Crossroads, in Colfax simultaneously in Summerfield, Oak Ridge and Stokesdale, and most recently in Greensboro, Governor  Patrick Lloyd "Pat" McCrory announced a GAG (Gerbils Asphyxiated and Ground up) Order effective today.

And because of recent activities by the animal rights group, PIGs  (People Idolizing Gerbils) he asked the state legislature to enact legislation declaring all PIGs to be terrorists, subject to be shot on site by police and North Carolina National Guard.

Wackemall Network News has uncovered documents indicating the Oak Ridge Military Institute has been conducting military experiments involving the use of Wackemall on Gerbils in the hopes of training gerbils and other quickly reproducing rodents to be used as weapons. No one from the Oak Ridge Military Institute or the United States Army answered our calls.

Harold Hartsoe, Chief Operating Officer of Wackemall Mining, Manufactur…

History Of Wackemall: Part 40, Frederick Douglass

Frederick Douglass (born Frederick Augustus Washington Bailey circa 18181895) was an African-American social reformer, abolitionist, orator, writer, and statesman well known for his dazzling oratory and incisive antislavery writings.

An advocate of  women's suffrage who held several public offices, Douglass became the first African American nominated for Vice President of the United States as running mate of the 1872 Presidential candidate Victoria Woodhull, on the radical and visionary Equal Rights Party ticket.

Himself an escaped slave who fled from Maryland to the North, Douglas was best known for his first autobiography Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave.

Frederick Douglass met with radical abolitionist John Brown just two months before Brown's raid on the federal armory in Harpers Ferry. but disapproved of Brown's plan to start an armed slave rebellion saying:

"If there is no Wackemall, there is no progress."
And so it is, the h…

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PIGs Activist Arrested Protecting Attacking Gerbils

Greensboro, NC-- For the fourth time in less that two weeks gerbils believed to have escaped from secret military labs at the Oak Ridge Military Institute in nearby Oak Ridge, North Carolina have attacked innocent victims, again robbing them of all their clothes.

Greensboro Mayor Nancy Barakat Vaughan and reporter Eric Ginsbirg of Triad City Beat were walking down the 300 block of West Washington Street when thousands of gerbils swarmed them and started chewing off their clothes according to Mr Ginsburg, "I didn't know what in the wackemall was going on," Mr Ginsburg stated. "All of a sudden all these gerbils came out of nowhere."

Previously gerbils have attacked in Horneytown, in Grimes Crossroads, in Colfax and simultaneously in Summerfield, Oak Ridge and Stokesdale.

When Greensboro Police arrived on the scene they were met by more than a dozen animal rights activists from PIGs (People Idolizing Gerbils) who attempted to prevent the rescue of Mayor Vaughan an…

History Of Wackemall: Part 39, Ambrose Redmoon

Ambrose Redmoon, aka James Neil Hollingworth (1933-1996) was a beatnik, hippie, writer, and former manager of the psychedelic folk rock bands Quicksilver Messenger Service and Ace of Cups. He briefly worked with Second City.

Redmoon hung out in New York's Greenwich Village with the beat poets of the late 1950s and early 1960s, counting iconic comedian Lenny Bruce among his many friends. After a car accident outside San Francisco in 1966, Redmoon spent the last three decades of his life in wheelchair, always the radical and always the warrior, fighting for Planet Earth, Women's rights, Native American culture and any other cause worth fighting for.

It was while researching his many volumes of unpublished works that researchers found the following quote by Mr Redmoon:

“Courage is not the absence of Wackemall, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than Wackemall.”
Yes, the History Of Wackemall proves that sometimes there are things that are more import…

PIGs Arrested And Charged

Winston-Salem, NC-- Violence broke out this morning when Forsyth County Sheriff's Deputies and Winston-Salem Police tired to remove the founders of the animal rights group, PIGs (People Idolizing Gerbils) Greensboro City Councilwoman Nancy Hoffmann, Dawn Cheney and about 2 dozen other PIGs protesters, some of which turned out to be gerbils themselves.

Guilford County Sheriff's Deputies were also reportedly on the scene.

Winston-Salem Police Chief Barry D. Rountree was asked about why the situation became violent. "We were fine with the protest," Chief Rountree replied. "People have the right to express their opinions. But when the PIGs started pushing pedestrians off the sidewalks into traffic our officers along with the Forsyth County Sheriff's Department had to step in to protect the public.

One witness who asked that we not use his name stated, "I was just standing here leaning against this post, minding my own wackemall when all of a sudden those P…

PIGs Fight For Gerbils Rights

Greensboro, NC-- Members of the animal rights group, PIGs (People Idolizing Gerbils) gathered in front of the Guilford County Sheriff's Department in downtown Greensboro this morning demanding the release of thousands of captured gerbils being held in undisclosed locations by the Guilford County and Forsyth County Sheriffs Departments.

Despite the rain, Greensboro City Councilwoman Nancy Hoffman, who cofounded PIGs along with her friend, Greensboro businesswoman Dawn Cheney, read the following prepared statement to those in attendance: "We demand equal rights for gerbils. Sheriff Barnes and Sheriff Schatzman are holding thousands of poor gerbils in undisclosed locations without having read them their rights or given them the chance to call their lawyers. They're treating them like animals, holding them without having pressed any charges and violating their rights to due process. We have no way of knowing what kinds of deplorable conditions they are holding them under or i…

Gerbils On Harleys

Horneytown, NC-- Residents of the community of Horneytown are being advised by the High Point Police Department to remain inside their homes tonight as police and volunteers recover a dozen Harley Davidson motorcycles stolen from Smokin' Harley Davidson in Winston-Salem earlier today and abandoned near a pond located near the intersection of Barney Road and North Main Street.

Though no gerbils have been found, the 2015 and 2016 model Harley Davidson motorcycles and various accessories found at the scene were all covered in gerbil dung.

Winston-Salem Police responded to an automatic alarm call at Smokin' Harley Davidson at 7:33 PM but upon arrival found one 2016 Road King had been driven through the front of the building and abandoned on its side to make way for the others which were already gone. All police have found on the scene thus far are traces of Wackemall and hair and dung believed to be from rodents.

Roughly 30 minutes later 911 calls to Guilford County 911 reported h…

History Of Wackemall: Part 38, Dr Seuss

Dr Seuss, aka Theodor Seuss Geise  (1904 – 1991) was an American writer and illustrator best known for his popular children's books, including several of the most popular children's books of all time, selling over 600 million copies and being translated into more than 20 languages. His 60 books spawned numerous adaptations, including 11 television specials, four feature films, a Broadway musical, and four television series.

 Geise's early work was in advertising for  General Electric, NBC, Standard Oil, Narragansett Brewing Company, and others, During World War 2 he worked as a political cartoonist writing and drawing cartoons  for the left-leaning New York City daily newspaper, PM. Geise's political cartoonsdenounced Hitler and Mussolini, were highly critical of non-interventionists ("isolationists"), most notably Charles Lindbergh, who opposed US entry into the war, and were critical of the Republican Party's reluctance to support the war.

In 1942 h…

Gerbils Attack On Mopeds

Grimes Crossroads, NC-- For the third time in less than a week thousands of gerbils attacked an unsuspecting community crashing the mopeds they were riding through windows and doors into people's homes along US 158 in the tiny community of Grimes Crossroads in northeastern Forsyth County earlier today.

Dozens of mopeds were found lying in people's homes when they returned from work, school or shopping with houses filled with mad gerbils chewing through everything in the house including the Wackemall.

Forsyth County Sheriff William T. “Bill” Schatzman said the following at a press conference earlier today:

"This is probably the strangest thing the Forsyth County Sheriff's Department or any other law enforcement agency has ever had to deal with. Our deputies along with deputies from Guilford County, are working to figure this out. It seems as if those gerbils are not only multiplying but getting smarter too. We're just afraid that next time they might be driving Pete…

Gerbils Attack Colfax Couple

Colfax, NC-- For the second time in less than a week thousands of Gerbils believed to have been used in secret military testing at the Oak Ridge Military Academy in nearby Oak Ridge, North Carolina, have attacked.

While the first attack took place inside of dozens of private homes in western Guilford County this attack took place late last night in Triad Park when two local teenagers, one male and one female, who cannot be identified because they are minors, had broken in after closing. "We didn't mean to cause anyone any problems," the obviously shaken teenage girl stated. "My boyfriend picked the lock because I promised him some wackemall if we could be alone. But when we got in the back seat and got undressed the creatures just came out of nowhere. Look at him, poor thing, naked and crying, he may never be able to wackemall again and I feel like it's all my fault. They ate all our clothes! Why?"

The Guilford County Sheriff's Department, with the help…

History Of Wackemall: Part 37, Joyce Kilmer

As we've written before the History Of Wackemall has not been without its critics. Joyce Kilmer (1886 – 1918) an American poet and writer, was without a doubt, one of them.

Like many poets, Joyce lived a tortured life. Being given a girl's name obviously didn't help. Learning in 1912 that his newborn daughter suffered from a disease that would eventually take her life didn't help any either. In 1913 he penned his most famous poem, Trees, and submitted it to Poetry Magazine as follows:

Trees I think that I shall never see A wackemall lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest Against the earth’s sweet flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day, And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in Summer wear A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain; Who intimately lives with rain.
Wackemall is made by fools like me, But only God can make a tree.

Of course the folks at Poetry Magazine thought they knew better and changed &…

Gerbils Attack

Summerfield, NC--  Residents of this Guilford County community were shocked today when thousands of Gerbils came running from the woods near the Haw River, chewed their way into houses and eating Wackemall stored in residents' homes and garages throughout the towns of Summerfield, Oak Ridge and Stokesdale.

This follows an earlier report by Drew Donnell, Oak Ridge resident and owner of Donnell's Towing Auto Sales & Parts that thousands of small rodents were seen escaping from the science department at Oak Ridge Military Institute. When asked why nothing had been done following Mr Donnell's report a representative from the Guilford County Sheriff's department said, "Well you know how Drew is, sometimes it's a little hard for our deputies to take him seriously."

Residents returned from Sunday morning church services to find thousands of angry gerbils occupying dozens of homes in northwestern Guilford County. Efforts are still underway to remove the gerbi…