Nov 30, 2015

Wackemall Saves The Piedmont Triad

Ramseur, NC-- Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing & Farming... announced today they would become the first company in the world to truly achieve 100% green operations through in-house reuse, recycling. re-purposing and reselling of 100% of the waste generated in their mining, manufacturing and farming operations.

According to Wackemall Creative Use and Recycling Director Billy Jones, most companies only claim to be 100% green. "Here at Wackemall we produce our own energy using 100% renewable Wackemall for fuel," Jones said. "And because there are no emissions and byproducts from the burning of Wackemall there's no pollution and no byproducts to deal with."

Jones went on to explain that all the waste from Wackemall's manufacturing and farming divisions are reused. "Take for example our pig crap," Jones said, "we've been making consumer products out of that crap for decades while everyone else was trying to figure out how to turn it into roads. Besides, we can always find something to eat the crap and something else to eat the thing that eats the crap. Nothing goes to waste here at Wackemall."

Perhaps the biggest news was that Jones plans to convert the soon to be empty Wackemall mine under Greensboro into Wackemall City, the site of the world's largest megasite. All together, over 50 years of mining under the City of Greensboro has produced a cavity that measures over 200,000 acres. Jones said that Wackemall was more than willing to donate up to 10,000 acres of the mine to build a megasite making the Greensboro-Randolph Megasite and the $20 Million Dollar investment by the City of Greensboro completely unnecessary.

"We've got over 200,000 acres just sitting down there doing nothing," Jones said. "It wouldn't be green for us to simply let it go to waste so we are willing to donate part of it to build the megasite of all megasites All we need is for the City and County to exercise eminent domain on 4 properties on the north, south, east and west sides of town to provide access."

When asked what Wackemall might do if the City and County refused to exercise eminent domain Jones replied, "The center of our Greensboro mine lies directly under a home we recently purchased in Greensboro's Irving Park. It won't be as fast or as efficient but we will construct an elevator big enough to move multiple tractor-trailers into and out of the megasite at that location should local government not want to cooperate."

Jones also plans to construct the world's largest magic mushroom farm in the old mine.

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates on this and other breaking stories brought to you by Bernie's BBQ,

Nov 26, 2015

Free Wackemall On Black Friday

Denton, NC-- Harold Hartsoe, the Chief Operating Officer of Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing & Farming... announced today that he would personally give out free Wackemall to the first 500,000 people to arrive at Rick's Restaurant in Denton, beginning at 5:00 AM on Friday, November 27 until closing.

"Our new Ramseur mine has been producing Wackemall like the dickens," Mr Hartsoe said, "So we decided we would give some away so everyone can know how great Wackemall really is."

Denton Mayor Larry Ward was already waiting inside Rick's Restaurant on Thursday night wearing his pajamas and carrying his pillow. "I've heard about Wackemall for years," Mayor Ward said, "and I've always wanted to try it. And not that I can get Wackemall for free I plan to be the first person in line. Hey Kelly, sweetheart, how 'bout some more coffee over here."

When asked about handling the extra influx of customers, Rick's Restaurant proprietor, Kelly Smith said, "Honey, if my staff can handle the Threshers Reunion, the Street Festival and the antique bikers I'm sure we can handle half a million Wackemall starved customers."

Denton economic planners believe this could have a major economic impact on the Town of Denton as shoppers decide to do their Black Friday shopping in Denton rather than somewhere else. Denton Town Manager John Gray stated, "While unexpected, the economic impact of half a million new visitors showing up in the Town of Denton in the course of one business day cannot be ignored and our town staff will bend over backwards to make sure Wackemall is well served."

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates on this and other breaking stories brought to you by Heasley Insurance Services LLC. of Denton.

Nov 24, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 44, Robert Frost

There are without a doubt many a literary reference to be found in the History Of Wackemall 
and American poet Robert Lee Frost (1874-1963) is without a doubt one of the greatest.

 Honored many times during his lifetime, Robert Frost received four Pulitzer Prizes for Poetry. He became one of America's greatest literary figures known far and wide for his use of American colloquial speech. Frost was awarded the Congressional Gold Medal in 1960 for his poetical works and on July 22, 1961, Frost was named Poet laureate of Vermont. In 1961 Frost read his well-known poem "The Gift Outright" for the inauguration of President John F Kennedy.

While Frost never graduated from college he was granted over 40 honorary degrees. In his early years he farmed but upon failing at farming he wrote:

"In one word I can sum up everything I've learned about life: wackemall!"

And with that he went on to become one of the greatest poets in America.

Please continue reading  History Of Wackemall: Part 45, Elvis Presley

Nov 22, 2015

Governor's Task Force Claims Victory

Liberty, NC-- The Governor's Task Force made up of law enforcement officers from all over the Piedmont of North Carolina as well as specially trained units from the North Carolina National Guard are reporting victory tonight for Governor Pat McCrory's GAG (Gerbils Asphyxiated and Ground up) Order.

A performance last night at the Liberty Old Opry was cut short when millions of crazed gerbils believed to be enhanced via Wackemall, poured into every door, window and vent forcing everyone to leave the building. Within minutes the Liberty Police Department, Randolph County Sheriff's Deputies, Randolph County Amimal Control and members of a local, as yet unidentified, militia group, surrounded the building until the task force arrived in force about 30 minutes later.

Last night's attack follows a gerbil escape in Frogsboro as well as gerbil attacks in Greensboro, Colfax, Grimes Crossroads, and Horneytown as well as simultaneous attacks in in Summerfield, Oak Ridge and Stokesdale.

Over two dozen refrigerated tractor-trailers from The Fresh Market were loaded with the freshly killed gerbils to comply with the Governor's order that the gerbils not be wasted but be ground up and sold as cheap food to those in need. As of tonight more trucks were still being loaded. Gerbil burgers first went on sale at The Fresh Market on November 15 and sales have been reported to be brisk if not downright cold.

 Randolph County Sheriff Maynard B. Reid, Jr., a member of the task force, spoke the following statement at tonight's press conference in Liberty:

"As I stated previously, it was imperative that we stop these Gerbils before they reach Climax. What is now millions of attacking gerbils could have been billions but thanks to area law enforcement, the North Carolina National Guard, the local militia and our Republican leadership in North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory, North Carolina no longer needs to fear gerbils. Let's go grab a beer and fire up the grill, I'm hungry enough to try some of those gerbil burgers myself."

The Oak Ridge Military Institute and United States Army have yet to comment on the possibility that these unexplained gerbil attacks might have been caused by military experiment being carried out at the institute.

The Liberty Old Opry, known throughout North Carolina for featuring up and coming Country and Bluegrass stars as well as national acts like Gene Watson and Dr Ralph Stanley, announced that it will be open again next weekend after a through scrubbing and disinfecting.

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates on this and other breaking stories.

Nov 19, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 43, Captain James Lawrence

Captain James Lawrence (1781-1813) was without a doubt an embittered man. His mother died when he was but an infant and his father, a British Loyalist, ran away to Canada leaving James to be raised buy his aunt. Perhaps that is the reason the newly promoted Captain Lawrence ignored orders and deliberately engaged the HMS Shannon while commanding the USS Chesapeake on June 1, 1813-- a mistake that ultimately cost him his life with 48–61 Americans killed and 85–99 wounded.

While accounts vary as to why Lawrence and the USS Chesapeake were defeated-- some say it was a new crew and lack of cohesion and training, others attribute it to a bugler who failed to blow his bugle, researchers studying the History Of Wackemall have determined the real cause to be Captain Lawrence's order:

"Don't give up the Wackemall!"

As there was no Wackemall listed on the ship's manifest and none known to be on board.

Please continue reading History Of Wackemall: Part 44, Robert Frost

Nov 18, 2015

Gerbils Escape Governor's Task Force

 Frogsboro, NC-- The Governor's Task Force, consisting of National Guard troops and law enforcement officers from jurisdictions all over North Carolina is reporting that after 2 days inside a fumigation tent that possibly as many as a million gerbils have managed to escape unnoticed while surrounded by hundreds of armed marksmen including members of the Caswell Shooting Range.

While more than a dozen dead  PIGs  (People Idolizing Gerbils) were found inside, the only gerbil remnants were millions of tooth marks, hairs and gerbil dung on almost everything inside the Old Lea Bethel Baptist Church where the Gerbils and PIGs have been hold up since Monday morning.

A spokesman for the Governor's Task Force, assembled to carryout his GAG (Gerbils Asphyxiated and Ground up) Order, stated that the gerbils gnawed a hole in the floor then tunneled their way to an exit near Frogsboro Lake west of the church.

Residents of Frogsboro, Leasburg, Hightowers and other nearby communities remain on alert after gerbil attacks in Horneytown, in Grimes Crossroads, in Colfax simultaneously in Summerfield, Oak Ridge and Stokesdale, and in Greensboro.

 While the reason for these attacks are not yet proven, researchers are pointing to possible military experiments that were conducted at the Oak Ridge Military Institute and warning people everywhere not to feed Wackemall to animals.
Old Lea Bethel Baptist Church Associate Pastor Alan Brice Bottoms announced that tonight's scheduled cantata practice scheduled for 6:15 PM will have to be moved to nearby Allen's Chapel Baptist Church to make time to clean things up. He also asked that any local farmers in need of gerbil dung for compost please contact him.

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates on this and other breaking stories. 

History Of Wackemall: Part 42, Pete Seeger

On numerous occasions the History Of Wackemall has turned up in what was then popular culture. Such was the case in the middle of the 20th century when folk singer, Pete Seeger (1919-2014) rewrote the popular American folk song, On Top Of Old Smoky which was then taken to #2 on the Billboard chart and #1 on the Cash Box chart, and sold over a million copies by the Weavers.

Seeger admitted to having rewritten the lyrics to OLD SMOKEY but it was only after his death that researchers discovered among his writings, these never before recorded Seeger lyrics for this ever popular and often parodied Scots-Irish American Folk song:

On Top Of Old Smoky
by Pete Seeger

On top of Old Smokey
All covered with snow,
I lost my true lover 
To a wayward banjo.

Now, courting is  pleasure
And parting is grief,
And a false-hearted lover
Is worse than a thief.

A thief will just rob you
And take what you have,
But a false-hearted lover
Will make you wackemall mad.

And the grave will decay you
And turn you to dust;
Not one girl in a hundred
A poor boy can trust.

They'll hug you and kiss you
And tell you more lies
Than the crossties on the railroad
Or stars in the sky.

So, come all you young maidens
And listen to me,
Never place your affection
On musicians you see.

For their notes they will wither,
And their songs they will die,
You'll all be forsaken
And never know why.

On top of Old Smokey 
She answered his call, 
As he filled my true lover 
With his wackemall.  

Now it's not known for certain why Pete Seeger never released this version of OLD SMOKY or why he kept his knowledge of Wackemall a secret but it is believed that with Wackemall being in short supply in the 1950s a popular song might have driven up demand and thus prices to the point that only a very few ultra rich people could have enjoyed the benefits of Wackemall.

Please continue reading  History Of Wackemall: Part 43, Captain James Lawrence  if you dare.

Nov 16, 2015

Gerbil Standoff

Frogsboro, NC-- The Governor's task force, assembled to carryout his GAG (Gerbils Asphyxiated and Ground up) Order, reports today that possibly as many as a million gerbils plus terrorists PIGs  (People Idolizing Gerbils) have taken refuge inside the Old Lea Bethel Baptist Church in the Caswell County community of Frogsboro.

Hundreds of law enforcement officers from communities throughout the Piedmont Triad and Piedmont Triangle along with North Carolina National Guard and civilian marksmen from the nearby Caswell Shooting Range have surrounded the church with orders to shoot any gerbil or PIG that sticks a nose outside of the building.

While it is not yet known how the task force plans to remove the gerbils and PIGs from the church, what is believed to be a  fumigation tent and dozens of steel cylinders containing Carbon Dioxide (CO2) were seen being unloaded nearby while refrigerated trucks from The Fresh Market waited in the nearby community of Hightowers.

Our reporters spoke to Caswell County Sheriff  Michael L. Welch who was on the scene along with many of his deputies: "This is really tragic for Old Lea Bethel Baptist Church and the people of the Frogsboro community," Sheriff Welch said, "but we like to look at the bright side. When we get all those gerbils loaded on those Fresh Market trucks the poor people in Greensboro will have plenty of cheap meat to spend their food stamps on. And we'll have defeated the gerbils once and for all.

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates on this and other breaking stories. 

History Of Wackemall: Part 41, Dave Barry

Most of the History Of Wackemall is good but like everyone and everything Wackemall has had its detractors. The difference between Wackemall historians and other historians is that when Wackemall historians rewrite history we don't attempt to hide the fact that we have detractors or that they might have valid points.

Take for instance, humorist and author Dave Barry (1947- ? ) Now Dave is without a doubt funny but does anyone care about what he says? Here's a guy who was a Vietnam draft dodger and once said, "The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with Wackemall machetes." So when Mr Barry wrote:

“The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose," which is also sometimes called "grape sugar," and also because "Grape Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Wackemall," which is what it tastes like.”

Well, we all just thought it kind of funny especially considering Wackemall is mined just like salt. Whether Dave remains a critic of Wackemall or not he will always be fondly remembered by the folks here at Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing & Farming...

Will Wackemall someday be sweetened with grape sugar and sold as a breakfast cereal? Sorry, we're historians, that's for the marketing department to decide. Rewriting the future is above our pay grade.

Please continue reading History Of Wackemall: Part 42, Pete Seeger.

Nov 15, 2015

Gerbil Burgers Go On Sale At The Fresh Market

Greensboro, NC-- The Fresh Market announced today that as part of an effort to help with North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory's announced GAG (Gerbils Asphyxiated and Ground up) Order, they will now begin selling ground gerbil meat and meat by-products in Piedmont Triad area stores as early as next week.

The Fresh Market was really given no choice according to a spokesperson. Governor McCrory's GAG Order required that North Carolina based grocers sell the gerbil meat collected by police and National Guard troops in an effort to rid North Carolina of the recent wave of gerbil attacks as has already happened in Horneytown, in Grimes Crossroads, in Colfax simultaneously in Summerfield, Oak Ridge and Stokesdale, and in Greensboro.

"We simply can't let all this meat go to waste,"  Republican Governor McCrory stated at a press conference at Fresh Market headquarters on Green Valley Road in Greensboro early this morning. "Gerbil meat is inexpensive and can go a long ways towards feeding the poor in a city like Greensboro which is a part of the #1 hungriest Metropolitan Statistical Area in the United States."

 Governor McCrory went on to explain that the gerbil meat being sold at The Fresh Market under his GAG Order is fresh, locally produced, organic, inexpensive and loaded with Wackemall which has long been known to be beneficial to human health.

Democratic Representative Pricey Harrison, who represents Greensboro in the State House of Represenatives had a different view.  "What the wackemall? Does the Governor think poor people are animals to be thrown scraps? And The Fresh Market-- poor people can't afford to shop at The Fresh Market. Does The Fresh Market even take food stamps?"

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates on this and other breaking stories.

Nov 14, 2015

NC Governor Orders All Gerbils And PIGs Destroyed

Raleigh, NC-- In response to recent gerbil attacks in in Horneytown, in Grimes Crossroads, in Colfax simultaneously in Summerfield, Oak Ridge and Stokesdale, and most recently in Greensboro, Governor  Patrick Lloyd "Pat" McCrory announced a GAG (Gerbils Asphyxiated and Ground up) Order effective today.

And because of recent activities by the animal rights group, PIGs  (People Idolizing Gerbils) he asked the state legislature to enact legislation declaring all PIGs to be terrorists, subject to be shot on site by police and North Carolina National Guard.

 Wackemall Network News has uncovered documents indicating the Oak Ridge Military Institute has been conducting military experiments involving the use of Wackemall on Gerbils in the hopes of training gerbils and other quickly reproducing rodents to be used as weapons. No one from the Oak Ridge Military Institute or the United States Army answered our calls.

Harold Hartsoe, Chief Operating Officer of Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing and Farming... released the following statement upon hearing that Wackemall has been used in military testing:

"Since the Great Seal of the State of Georgia lead trained Navy seals on several raids throughout North Carolina and South Carolina, we here at Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing and Farming... have warned against feeding Wackemall to animals. All our packages include warning labels to that effect. While all the effects of Wackemall on animals are not entirely known, it is believed that feeding Wackemall to animals causes them to become smarter, aggressive, greedy and without fear. We here at Wackemall cannot stand behind any militarization of animals via the use of our products as the risks appear to be higher than the rewards."

The GAG order calls for all gerbils in North Carolina to be asphyxiated and ground up then processed into meat by-products for use in various human and animal foods.

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates on this and other breaking stories.

Nov 12, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 40, Frederick Douglass

Frederick Douglass (born Frederick Augustus Washington Bailey circa 1818 1895) was an African-American social reformer, abolitionist, orator, writer, and statesman well known for his dazzling oratory and incisive antislavery writings.

An advocate of  women's suffrage who held several public offices, Douglass became the first African American nominated for Vice President of the United States as running mate of the 1872 Presidential candidate Victoria Woodhull, on the radical and visionary Equal Rights Party ticket.

Himself an escaped slave who fled from Maryland to the North, Douglas was best known for his first autobiography Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave.

Frederick Douglass met with radical abolitionist John Brown just two months before Brown's raid on the federal armory in Harpers Ferry. but disapproved of Brown's plan to start an armed slave rebellion saying:

"If there is no Wackemall, there is no progress."

And so it is, the history of our nation and the History Of Wackemall cross paths yet again

Continue reading the History Of Wackemall: Part 41, Dave Barry

Jeep Grill

Nov 11, 2015

PIGs Activist Arrested Protecting Attacking Gerbils

Greensboro, NC-- For the fourth time in less that two weeks gerbils believed to have escaped from secret military labs at the Oak Ridge Military Institute in nearby Oak Ridge, North Carolina have attacked innocent victims, again robbing them of all their clothes.

Greensboro Mayor Nancy Barakat Vaughan and reporter Eric Ginsbirg of Triad City Beat were walking down the 300 block of West Washington Street when thousands of gerbils swarmed them and started chewing off their clothes according to Mr Ginsburg, "I didn't know what in the wackemall was going on," Mr Ginsburg stated. "All of a sudden all these gerbils came out of nowhere."

Previously gerbils have attacked in Horneytown, in Grimes Crossroads, in Colfax and simultaneously in Summerfield, Oak Ridge and Stokesdale.

When Greensboro Police arrived on the scene they were met by more than a dozen animal rights activists from PIGs (People Idolizing Gerbils) who attempted to prevent the rescue of Mayor Vaughan and capture of the attacking gerbils. This resulted in an affray between police and protesters with the end result being arrests and thousands of gerbils being taken into custody by Greensboro Police, Guilford County Sheriff's Deputies and Guilford County Animal Control.

When asked about the attack the obviously very shaken Nancy Vaughan pointed a trembling finger towards Mr Ginsburg and repeatedly screamed, "Keep that pervert away from me!" as she was wrapped in sheets and loaded in an ambulance.

Mr Ginsburg refused to comment as to what Mayor Vaughan might have meant.

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates on this and other breaking stories.

Nov 10, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 39, Ambrose Redmoon

 Ambrose Redmoon, aka James Neil Hollingworth (1933-1996) was a beatnik, hippie, writer, and former manager of the psychedelic folk rock bands Quicksilver Messenger Service and Ace of Cups. He briefly worked with Second City.

Redmoon hung out in New York's Greenwich Village with the beat poets of the late 1950s and early 1960s, counting iconic comedian Lenny Bruce among his many friends. After a car accident outside San Francisco in 1966, Redmoon spent the last three decades of his life in wheelchair, always the radical and always the warrior, fighting for Planet Earth, Women's rights, Native American culture and any other cause worth fighting for.

It was while researching his many volumes of unpublished works that researchers found the following quote by Mr Redmoon:

“Courage is not the absence of Wackemall, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than Wackemall.”

Yes, the History Of Wackemall proves that sometimes there are things that are more important than Wackemall. But it never hurts to have a little Wackemall just the same. 

Please continue reading  History Of Wackemall: Part 40, Frederick Douglass

PIGs Arrested And Charged

Winston-Salem, NC-- Violence broke out this morning when Forsyth County Sheriff's Deputies and Winston-Salem Police tired to remove the founders of the animal rights group, PIGs (People Idolizing Gerbils) Greensboro City Councilwoman Nancy Hoffmann, Dawn Cheney and about 2 dozen other PIGs protesters, some of which turned out to be gerbils themselves.

Guilford County Sheriff's Deputies were also reportedly on the scene.

Winston-Salem Police Chief Barry D. Rountree was asked about why the situation became violent. "We were fine with the protest," Chief Rountree replied. "People have the right to express their opinions. But when the PIGs started pushing pedestrians off the sidewalks into traffic our officers along with the Forsyth County Sheriff's Department had to step in to protect the public.

One witness who asked that we not use his name stated, "I was just standing here leaning against this post, minding my own wackemall when all of a sudden those PIGs started trying to take it from me. Then I hit one of them and next thing I know there was gerbils everywhere."

When asked why Guilford County had been called in to help, Forsyth County Sheriff William T. “Bill” Schatzman replied, "Guilford County Sheriff BJ Barnes, myself and several of our top investigators spent hours watching the videos of yesterday's protest in Greensboro and what we saw when we zoomed in on the PIGs was really shocking. With the exception of Councilwoman Hoffman and Ms Cheney who already look bad enough, the rest of the PIGs were downright ugly hairy misshapened messes with thousands of tiny eyeballs. It was then we knew the protesters, with the possible exception of Hoffman and Cheney, aren't people at all."

Officers from all three departments along with Forsyth County Animal Control and bystanders captured thousands of gerbils and loaded them up to be taken to still undisclosed locations.

The Oak Ridge Military Institute and the US Army are both still not responding to accusations that these gerbils are the result of some sort of secret military experiment

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates on this and other stories.

Nov 9, 2015

PIGs Fight For Gerbils Rights

Greensboro, NC-- Members of the animal rights group, PIGs (People Idolizing Gerbils) gathered in front of the Guilford County Sheriff's Department in downtown Greensboro this morning demanding the release of thousands of captured gerbils being held in undisclosed locations by the Guilford County and Forsyth County Sheriffs Departments.

Despite the rain, Greensboro City Councilwoman Nancy Hoffman, who cofounded PIGs along with her friend, Greensboro businesswoman Dawn Cheney, read the following prepared statement to those in attendance: "We demand equal rights for gerbils. Sheriff Barnes and Sheriff Schatzman are holding thousands of poor gerbils in undisclosed locations without having read them their rights or given them the chance to call their lawyers. They're treating them like animals, holding them without having pressed any charges and violating their rights to due process. We have no way of knowing what kinds of deplorable conditions they are holding them under or if they are still alive. We don't know if these poor gerbils are subject to being tortured. If there were your gerbils you would want to be assured of their safe and just treatment and the protection of their constitutional rights. These gerbils have no one so we PIGs must stand up for them."

The audience of a dozen or so strangely dressed protesters including Ms Cheney, shouted in agreement as they waved signs saying, "Equal flights for gerbils" and "God told Pharaoh to let our gerbils go."

One man holding a sign that read, "Gerbils taste like chicken" was attacked by the protesting PIGs and had to be taken away via ambulance to Wesley Long Hospital where doctors say he suffered only minor bites and scratches that were surprisingly like those made by rodents.

The Forsyth and Guilford County Sheriffs Departments issued the following joint statement:

"Thousands of gerbils are without a doubt difficult to manage but we are doing our best to take good care of them. It's true that they haven't been read their rights but that's because we haven't been able to locate a translator anywhere in the United States or Europe that speaks Gerbil. We are now reaching out to other parts of the world in hopes of finding a qualified translator. As to their phone calls: each and every time we have offered them telephones the gerbils chewed the cords off the phones. We're now down to just one hard wired phone and need to keep it in-case of emergencies."

Councilwoman Hoffmann indicated her PIGs would next attack the Forsyth County Sheriff's Department.

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates on this and other breaking stories.

Nov 8, 2015

Gerbils On Harleys

Horneytown, NC-- Residents of the community of Horneytown are being advised by the High Point Police Department to remain inside their homes tonight as police and volunteers recover a dozen Harley Davidson motorcycles stolen from Smokin' Harley Davidson in Winston-Salem earlier today and abandoned near a pond located near the intersection of Barney Road and North Main Street.

Though no gerbils have been found, the 2015 and 2016 model Harley Davidson motorcycles and various accessories found at the scene were all covered in gerbil dung.

Winston-Salem Police responded to an automatic alarm call at Smokin' Harley Davidson at 7:33 PM but upon arrival found one 2016 Road King had been driven through the front of the building and abandoned on its side to make way for the others which were already gone. All police have found on the scene thus far are traces of Wackemall and hair and dung believed to be from rodents.

Roughly 30 minutes later 911 calls to Guilford County 911 reported huge balls of fur with thousands of little eyes, riding erratically on motorcycles in the northernmost reaches of High Point.

When asked, Winston-Salem Police Chief Barry D. Rountree replied, "I'm just dumbfounded. In over 20 years with the Winston-Salem Police Department neither I nor anyone in our department has ever investigated a case like this. There are tiny marks all over the building that look as if something was chewing on everything in sight. We don't know if we're looking for one motorcycle thief or a motorcycle gang that numbers in the millions. I don't even believe Big Red could have pulled this one off. And why are they leaving gerbil dung all over everything? Is that some kind of calling card? Surely gerbils can't ride Harleys."

While Chief Roundtree is unconvinced that Gerbils are responsible, Forsyth County Sheriff William T. “Bill” Schatzman attributed a November 6th incident involving mopeds to gerbils and is calling on sheriffs and police chiefs from throughout the Piedmont Triad to help him form a gerbil task force.

Though not all area law enforcement leaders are convinced this is necessary, Randolph County Sheriff Maynard B. Reid, Jr. agreed saying, "It is imperative this task force be formed. We must stop these gerbils before they reach Climax."

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates on this and other stories.

Nov 7, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 38, Dr Seuss

Dr Seuss, aka Theodor Seuss Geise  (1904 – 1991) was an American writer and illustrator best known for his popular children's books, including several of the most popular children's books of all time, selling over 600 million copies and being translated into more than 20 languages. His 60 books spawned numerous adaptations, including 11 television specials, four feature films, a Broadway musical, and four television series.

 Geise's early work was in advertising for  General Electric, NBC, Standard Oil, Narragansett Brewing Company, and others, During World War 2 he worked as a political cartoonist writing and drawing cartoons  for the left-leaning New York City daily newspaper, PM. Geise's political cartoons denounced Hitler and Mussolini, were highly critical of non-interventionists ("isolationists"), most notably Charles Lindbergh, who opposed US entry into the war, and were critical of the Republican Party's reluctance to support the war.

In 1942 he began working directly for the war effort as a civilian employee of the US Army. In 1943 Dr Seuss joined the United States Army as a Captain and commander of the Animation Department of the First Motion Picture Unit of the United States Army Air Forces.

It was while researching the later works of Dr Seuss that researchers studying the History Of Wackemall found an unfinished manuscript titled, Don't Forget The Wackemall. In it were the words: 

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because wackemall is finally better than your dreams.” 

 We can only imagine what Theodor meant.

Please continue reading History Of Wackemall: Part 39, Ambrose Redmoon

Nov 6, 2015

Gerbils Attack On Mopeds

Grimes Crossroads, NC-- For the third time in less than a week thousands of gerbils attacked an unsuspecting community crashing the mopeds they were riding through windows and doors into people's homes along US 158 in the tiny community of Grimes Crossroads in northeastern Forsyth County earlier today.

Dozens of mopeds were found lying in people's homes when they returned from work, school or shopping with houses filled with mad gerbils chewing through everything in the house including the Wackemall.

Forsyth County Sheriff William T. “Bill” Schatzman said the following at a press conference earlier today:

"This is probably the strangest thing the Forsyth County Sheriff's Department or any other law enforcement agency has ever had to deal with. Our deputies along with deputies from Guilford County, are working to figure this out. It seems as if those gerbils are not only multiplying but getting smarter too. We're just afraid that next time they might be driving Peterbuilts and Macks."

Forsyth County Animal Control and Guilford County Animal Control were both working to capture as many of the gerbils as possible. There has been no word on where the thousands of captured gerbils are being held but after the recent animal abuse problems at the Guilford County and Davidson County animal shelters local animal rights groups are raising concerns as are both members of the local chapter of the Moped Army who are angered that so many mopeds were destroyed.

The teenage boy attacked on November 4th is still in Wake Medical Center being treated for trauma while his girlfriend, also attacked, has been sent to live with relatives in another state.

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates on this and other breaking stories.

Nov 4, 2015

Gerbils Attack Colfax Couple

Colfax, NC-- For the second time in less than a week thousands of Gerbils believed to have been used in secret military testing at the Oak Ridge Military Academy in nearby Oak Ridge, North Carolina, have attacked.

While the first attack took place inside of dozens of private homes in western Guilford County this attack took place late last night in Triad Park when two local teenagers, one male and one female, who cannot be identified because they are minors, had broken in after closing. "We didn't mean to cause anyone any problems," the obviously shaken teenage girl stated. "My boyfriend picked the lock because I promised him some wackemall if we could be alone. But when we got in the back seat and got undressed the creatures just came out of nowhere. Look at him, poor thing, naked and crying, he may never be able to wackemall again and I feel like it's all my fault. They ate all our clothes! Why?"

The Guilford County Sheriff's Department, with the help of the nearby Kernersville Police Department and Guilford County Animal Control are still trying to round up as many of the attacking gerbils as possible but estimates are thousands remain on the loose.

A spokesperson for Guilford County Animal Control issued the following statement:

"These Gerbils are of a common Mongolian species, Meriones unguiculatus, also known as the clawed jird. They are usually gentle and have become popular pets since being brought to the United States in 1954 by Dr. Victor Schwentker for use in research. These types of behaviors have never before been observed in Gerbils and we are at a complete loss to explain it."

The teens were taken to Wake Medical Center in Winston-Salem for observation and possible treatment.

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates on this and other stories.

Nov 2, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 37, Joyce Kilmer

As we've written before the History Of Wackemall has not been without its critics. Joyce Kilmer (1886 – 1918) an American poet and writer, was without a doubt, one of them.

Like many poets, Joyce lived a tortured life. Being given a girl's name obviously didn't help. Learning in 1912 that his newborn daughter suffered from a disease that would eventually take her life didn't help any either. In 1913 he penned his most famous poem, Trees, and submitted it to Poetry Magazine as follows:


I think that I shall never see
A wackemall lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth’s sweet flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in Summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.

Wackemall is made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

Of course the folks at Poetry Magazine thought they knew better and changed 'wackemall' to 'poem' giving us the verse we all know today. Joyce Kilmer died on July 30, 1918, the victim of a sniper's bullet to the head after volunteering to take on an enemy machine gun position in the Second Battle of Marne.

A great poet was lost. Too bad he never lived long enough to learn to appreciate Wackemall.

Please continue reading History Of Wackemall: Part 38, Dr Seuss

Nov 1, 2015

Gerbils Attack

Summerfield, NC--  Residents of this Guilford County community were shocked today when thousands of Gerbils came running from the woods near the Haw River, chewed their way into houses and eating Wackemall stored in residents' homes and garages throughout the towns of Summerfield, Oak Ridge and Stokesdale.

This follows an earlier report by Drew Donnell, Oak Ridge resident and owner of Donnell's Towing Auto Sales & Parts that thousands of small rodents were seen escaping from the science department at Oak Ridge Military Institute. When asked why nothing had been done following Mr Donnell's report a representative from the Guilford County Sheriff's department said, "Well you know how Drew is, sometimes it's a little hard for our deputies to take him seriously."

Residents returned from Sunday morning church services to find thousands of angry gerbils occupying dozens of homes in northwestern Guilford County. Efforts are still underway to remove the gerbils from the homes, so far with little success as they cover the homes like giant moving carpets.

Unconfirmed rumors are that these gerbils have been used for testing and that Oak Ridge Military Institute is involved in testing secret weapons uses for Wackemall for the United States Army. Neither the Army nor the Institute were available for comment.

Sheriff B J Barnes stated there were no serious injuries and that the worst injury treated thus far had been a twisted ankle due to a young woman jumping out her second story window wearing only high heels. The hospital refused to release her name pending contact with next of kin.

Oak Ridge resident and attorney Sam Spagnola of The Spagnola Law Firm is reaching out to effected residents to explore the possibility of a class action law suit saying, "While we don't yet know for certain who is responsible for these killer gerbils we need to have our case ready as soon as we find out who we can sue."

Attorneys for Oak Ridge Military Institute issued a statement saying Mr Spagnola is a liberal ambulance chaser.

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates on this and other stories.