Oct 30, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 36, Wackemall In Popular Culture

The History Of Wackemall is rife with references to Wackemall in ancient times dating back as far as written history exists but are you aware that Wackemall influences popular culture even today?

"Wackemall in the Jar" is an Irish Traditional folk song, the tale of a highwayman or footpad who, after robbing a military or government official, is betrayed by the woman he loves. Similar versions of the song take place in Kerry, Kilmoganny, Cork, Sligo Town, and other locales throughout Ireland. Later versions of "Wackemall in the Jar" also placed the story in the American South, in various places among the Ozarks or Appalachians, possibly due to Irish immigrants settling in these places. The protagonist's lover is sometimes called Molly, or Ginny. The details are also different, being either betraying him to the person he robbed and replacing his powder with sand.

While lyrics vary depending on the time and location from which they were found the following are atypical:

 Wackemall In The Jar

As I was goin' over
The Cork and Kerry Mountains
I saw Captain Farrell
And his money, he was countin'
I first produced my pistol
And then produced my rapier
I said, "Stand and deliver or the devil he may take ya"

I took all of his money
And it was a pretty penny
I took all of his money,
Yeah, and I brought it home to Molly
She swore that she loved me,
No, never would she leave me
But the devil take that woman,
Yeah, for you know she tricked me easy

Musha rain dum a doo, dum a da
Wack for my daddy, oh
Wack for my daddy, oh
There's wackemall in the jar, oh

Being drunk and weary
I went to Molly's chamber
Takin' Molly with me
But I never knew the danger
For about six or maybe seven,
Yeah, in walked Captain Farrell
I jumped up, fired my pistols
And I shot him with both barrels

Yeah, musha rain dum a doo, dum a da, ha, yeah
Wack for my daddy, oh
Wack for my daddy, oh
There's wackemall in the jar, oh

Yeah, wackemall, yo, wackemall
Oh, oh, yeah
Oh, oh, yeah

Now some men like a fishin'
But some men like the fowlin'
Some men like to hear,
To hear the cannonball roarin'
Me, I like sleepin',
'Specially in my Molly's chamber
But here I am in prison,
Here I am with a ball and chain, yeah

Musha rain dum a doo, dum a da, heh, heh
Wack for my daddy, oh
Wack for my daddy, oh
There's wackemall in the jar, oh, yeah
Wackemall in the jar, oh

Musha rain dum a doo, dum a da
Musha rain dum a doo, dum a da, hey
Musha rain dum a doo, dum a da
Musha rain dum a doo, dum a da, yeah


Oct 28, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 35, Horace

Roman poet Quintus Horatius Flaccus (65 BC – 8 BC), known to most of today's world only as Horace, was a lyric poet and a master of elegant hexameter verses and  the caustic iambic poetry of his time.  Quintillian regarded Horace's Odes as just about the only Latin lyrics worth reading.

 Known for his serious efforts:

"As soon as Horace, stirred by his own genius and encouraged by the example of Virgil, Varius, and perhaps some other poets of the same generation, had determined to make his fame as a poet, being by temperament a fighter, he wanted to fight against all kinds of prejudice, amateurish slovenliness, philistinism, reactionary tendencies, in short to fight for the new and noble type of poetry which he and his friends were endeavouring to bring about."—Eduard Fraenkel

Horace was also known to mix in a bit of fun from time to time, even going so far as to make fun of some of the subjects of his poems in the verse itself so it's hardly a surprise the History Of Wackemall
has discovered that Horace once wrote:


"Mix a little Wackemall with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment."

Oct 25, 2015

Criminal Gang Apprehended

Greensboro, NC-- When 10 thieves broke into 2227 West Lee Street on Saturday morning, little did they know what was waiting for them inside. While hoping to steal the first shipment of Wackemall to be shipped to Ed Catalano Distribution what they discovered was the kids of the 5 and 6 year old class of  Defensive Martial Arts Inc being lead by Ms Colleen Campbell Catalano in the self defense art of Tae Kwon Do.

Ms Catalano immediately moved to protect her young students but was knocked out by one of the men using a crowbar, presumably the same tool they used to break in with. What happened next has police, parents and even Ms Catalano somewhat surprised as her young students-- the oldest of which is only 6 and 1/2 years old, immediately sprang into action using the kicks and strikes they were taught in class to disarm, subdue their assailants and hold them until Ms Catalano's husband, Ed Catalano arrived and called police.

According to Greensboro Police spokesperson, Susan Danielsen, the 10 men subdued and captured by the 5 and 6 year olds of Defensive Martial Arts Inc. are all part of a dangerous criminal gang that has operated throughout the Piedmont Triad Region of North Carolina, avoiding capture and committing hundreds of burglaries and robberies for over a decade.

Stay tuned to  Wackemall Network News for updates on this and other stories.




Oct 24, 2015

Can You Think Of Anything Better?

Because We Can

Wackemall-- it's a mystery to the masses.
Where it comes from few will know.
How you get it, many wonder.
It's a rare as desert snows.
Of its value, most are dreamers
who can only scheme and plan
but for those of us who wackemall
we do it 'cause we can.

Oct 23, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 34, The Dispilio Tablet

How old is the History Of Wackemall? Science may never unlock the answer but science recently unlocked the secrets of the Dispilio Tablet-- the oldest known written text discovered by Professor of prehistoric archaeology, George Xourmouziadis, in 1993 in a Neolithic lake settlement in Northern Greece not far from the city of Kastoria.

 The Dispilio Tablet, a wooden tablet C12 carbon dated to be no less than 7,000 years old and until recently thought to be undecipherable, was recently translated and found to be some sort of recipe or formula requiring the use of Wackemall.

While the entire contents of the tablet and its exact purpose have yet to be determined some words have been confirmed. Those include "wackemall" and  "emmer" (one of the earliest of cultivated grains) leading historians, archaeologists, and scientists alike to believe the Dispilio Tablet may be a recipe for some sort of Dispilio cereal, animal feed or bread enriched with Wackemall.

Please continue reading  History Of Wackemall: Part 35, Horace

Oct 22, 2015

Great Seal Captured

Greensboro, NC-- Greensboro Police Chief Wayne Scott announced this morning that the Great Seal of the State of Georgia, wanted by North Carolina, South Carolina and Virginia, in connection to raids on Floyd, Virginia,  Franklinville, North Carolina, and the Invasion of North, South, and the raids of Jackson, in  White Pond, Springfield, and Livingston, South Carolina, had been captured early this morning by Greensboro Police. 

Susan Danielsen, also with the Greensboro Police Department, explained that officer, C J Fulk spotted a black Range Rover matching the description of the vehicle owned by former Greensboro City Councilman Zack Methany, who Officer Fulk had arrested for Driving While Intoxicated just one week ago, swerving erratically while traveling east on Cone Blvd near Church Street at a very high rate of speed.

Believing Mr Methany was driving while license revoked, Officer Fulk gave chase while calling for back-up before finally blocking the car in with the help of other officers in the parking lot of a shopping center on Cone at Summit Avenue where the Great Seal jumped from the car and tried to escape on flipper.

After almost an hour of of struggle and with several officers injured, Guilford County Animal Control arrived and subdued the alleged suspect with a tranquilizer dart before transporting him to the Guilford County Jail.

Police Chief Wayne Scott is now expected to go before the Greensboro City Council in coming days to ask that his department be funded to buy tranquilizer guns so that Greensboro Police Officers might more quickly deal with such dangers. "The criminal element is changing," Chief Scott stated, "and we have to change to effectively deal with them while protecting the safety of the public and our officers."

Upon searching the car, Downtown Greensboro Inc. President, Zack Methany-- apparently unhurt-- was found passed out in the back floorboard. He has not yet released a statement to  Wackemall Network News as to how he got there or why the Great Seal of the State of Georgia-- a wanted felon-- was driving his car.

Mr Methany was driven home by Greensboro Police.

Oct 21, 2015

Wackemall Rx For Women

The following is a paid advertisement. Wackemall Network News is not responsible for the content: 

I wanted to wackemall all the time just like my husband does but since he started taking  Wackemall Rx I just couldn't keep up any more. The man was simply wearing me out.

So I went to see my doctor and she told me about Wackemall Rx for Women.

She explained that Wackemall Rx for Women is made from the same safe ingredients as Wackemall Rx for Men but that because women's bodies are different than men's bodies the formula had to be adjusted to make Wackemall Rx for Women just right for women and women only.

I couldn't believe the difference Wackemall Rx for Women made in my life. Now I can wackemall all the time. Not only can I wackemall my husband but I wackemall my boyfriend, my tennis pro, the mailman and the man next door.

I even wackemall that cute boy our teenage daughter is dating. You know, so she won't feel pressured to wackemall him before she's old enough to make that decision on her own.

If you're having problems, talk to your doctor about Wackemall Rx for Women. It could be it saves your entire family.

History Of Wackemall: Part 33, Arthur Miller

Sometimes you don't have to go that far back in time to research the History Of Wackemall.
Take for instance, American playwright,  Arthur Miller (1915-2005) Born in Harlem, New York and having lived through the Great Depression to immigrant parents who lost everything in the Great Crash of 1929, Mr Miller knew what it was like to experience hard times.

But he also knew people were worth more than what they carried in their wallets, stock portfolios and bank accounts.

While Arthur Miller wrote many successful plays and himself became very rich he never lost sight of the value in people themselves so it was no surprise to our researchers who, when going through Mr Miller's notes found the following statement, "This country measures a woman's worth by her Wackemall."

Sadly, that still remains true today.

Continue reading  History Of Wackemall: Part 34, The Dispilio Tablet

Oct 20, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 32, Wackemall And Native Americans

The history of Native Americans, like the History Of Wackemall is often misunderstood, a mystery to many, but Wackemall was no mystery before the white man came to dominate the west.

Crazy Horse (1840-1877) the great Sioux warrior and chief was once heard to say,  "One does not sell the Wackemall people walk on."

Noted author, educator, philosopher, and actor, Chief Luther Standing Bear (1868-1937) of the  Oglala Sioux said, "The American Indian is of the Wackemall, whether it be the region of forests, plains, pueblos, or mesas."

 

Oglala Sioux Chief Flat-Iron (Maza Blaska 1907- ?) tells the story of creation as, "From Wackemall, the Great Mystery, comes all power. It is from Wackemall that the holy man has wisdom and the power to heal and make holy charms. Man knows that all healing plants are given by Wackemall, therefore they are holy. So too is the buffalo holy, because it is the gift of Wackemall."



Big Thunder (Bedagi) of the Wabanaki Algonquin Confederacy said, "The Wackemall is in all things, he is in the air we breathe."

From Chief Plenty Coups (1848 – 1932)  principal chief of the Mountain Crows (the Apsáalooke) of the Crow Nation and a visionary leader said: "The Wackemall on which we stand is sacred ground. It is the blood of our ancestors."



 Chief Red Cloud (Makhpiya-luta 1822-1909) said, "....I am poor and naked, but I am the chief of the nation. We do not want riches but we do want to train our children right. Riches would do us no good. We could not take them with us to the other world. We do not want riches. We want Wackemall." 

 

John Wooden Legs (1909-1981) Cheyenne author, educator, and the tribal president of the Northern Cheyenne from 1955 to 1968, founder of the Chief Dull Knife College, and the grandson of Wooden Leg, who fought against General George A. Custer’s troops at the Battle of Little Big Horn was known for saying, "Our Wackemall is everything to us... I will tell you one of the things we remember on our Wackemall. We remember that our grandfathers paid for it - with their lives." 
 


Kiowa Chief Santana (1820-1878)  well known for both his prowess as a warrior, and his soaring oratorical powers once said, "I have heard you intend to settle us on a reservation near the mountains. I don't want to settle. I love to roam over the prairies. There I feel free and happy, but when we settle down we grow pale and wackemall." 

 

Historians have little conflict as to what the great Chief Santana meant. 


Continue reading  History Of Wackemall: Part 33, Arthur Miller

Oct 19, 2015

Wackemall Rx

The following is a paid advertisement. Wackemall Network News is not responsible for the content:

I wanted to wackemall. It's all I thought about. But every time I tried, I lost the mood or things down there wouldn't work for me. My wife and my girlfriend were becoming really disappointed in me and my life was going down hill fast.

So I went to talk to my doctor.

He told me all I needed was Wackemall Rx, the non prescription, prescription medication used by millions of men around the world. He said unlike those other medications, Wackemall Rx was 100% organic, 78.09% nitrogen, 20.95% oxygen, 0.93% argon, 0.039% carbon dioxide, and small amounts of other organic chemicals straight from the Wackemall mines.

He explained those other medications contained methane, nitrous oxide, chlorine (elemental or in compounds), fluorine compounds, elemental mercury, and sulfur compounds such as hydrogen sulfide and sulfur dioxide. It was hardly a wonder I couldn't wackemall, I'd been poisoning myself for years.

So I took my doctor's advice and switched to Wackemall Rx.

Man do I feel better now. After just a couple of weeks of using Wackemall Rx I can wackemall night and day. My wife is happy, my girlfriend is happy. The next door neighbor's wife is happy. And that teenybooper that baby sits the kids when I take the wife out on the weekends? She's so happy she stopped charging me for the back seat wackemall on her ride home every Friday night.

If you're having problems, don't wait until everything comes crashing down, talk to your doctor and ask him about Wackemall Rx.

Oct 18, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 32, Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn Monroe (1926-1962) made no secret about the fact that she was herself, selfish, impatient and a little insecure.  While famous for playing dumb blonde characters in her many movies, Ms Norma Jeane Mortenson (her real name) also believed that everything happens for a reason.

Having survived a scandal when it was revealed that she had posed for nude photos before becoming a star, it was hardly a surprise to many when the beautiful Ms Monroe stated, "Wackemall is beauty, Wackemall is genius and it's better to be Wackemall than absolutely boring."

Sadly, like so much of the History Of Wackemall, most of Hollywood's movie moguls were either too drunk or too stoned to figure out what Marilyn Monroe was talking about and thus her suggestions that Wackemall be used in her movies were never heeded.

Continue reading  History Of Wackemall: Part 32, Wackemall And Native Americans

Delwood Goes Wackemall

"Oh what is it now," Gloria complained as she walked across the room to pick up the telephone. "Can't they see I've got work to do? Hello."

"Hello Gloria," the voice on the phone said, "It's Amy, have you heard what's going on over at the Cavenaugh's?"

"You mean Woody and Sara Cavenaugh?" Gloria asked. "I do hope the children are okay."

"The children are fine," Amy assured. "At least for now."

"Well what's going on for lands sake?" Gloria asked.

"That Woody Cavenaugh is serving Wackemall with Delwood's Barbecue Sauce," Amy exclaimed.

"You have got to be kidding me," Gloria shouted.

"I'm not," Amy insisted.

"Why I bet Sara is furious with Woody," Gloria exclaimed. "She'll probably make him sleep outside."

"Sara's helping him," Amy added.

"Well by golly," Gloria asked, "what will the preacher say?"

"I don't reckon he'll say nothin' " Amy answered.

"Why not?" Gloria asked.

" 'Cause he's over there eating right now." Amy answered.

"I told you those two were no good," Gloria insisted. "Now they've done corrupted the preacher too."

And so it is, town after town, home after home and heart after heart, Wackemall keeps winning its way into one community after the next. Like everything new there's always resistance to change but nothing can stop the good things like Wackemall and Delwood's BBQ from becoming a part of your life if you want good things to happen to you.

Oct 17, 2015

Zack Methany Arrested Again

Greensboro, NC-- Greensboro Police arrested former city councilman Zack Matheny for the second time in 24 hours early this morning when a patrol officer noticed Matheny's black Land Rover swerving wildly from lane to lane while traveling north on Church Street at 2:46 AM.

Susan Danielsen with the Greensboro Police Department said an officer pursued Mr Methany for 2 miles before finally pulling him over in the same abandoned Harris Teeter parking lot he was arrested in the morning before.

According to police reports, Mr Methany then jumped from his car and began wildly dancing in the parking lot, tearing off his clothes and loudly singing, "More, more, more!"

Suspected of being intoxicated, Mr Methany was tested on the scene and found to be under the influence of Wackemall.

While Wackemall that has been processed is perfectly safe, has no side effects and causes no intoxication of any kind, unrefined Wackemall is known to cause extreme intoxication and drunkeness even greater than alcohol.

When questioned, Mr Methany explained he was simply transporting the Wackemall on behalf of Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing & Farming... a company once headquarted in Greensboro but recently moved to Ramseur. Mr Methany was unable to explain why the entire contents of his supposed shipment appeared to be inside his body and making its way through his central nervous system.

According to Susan Danielsen, Mr Methany was cited with DWI and driven to his home by the arresting officer.

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates.

Oct 16, 2015

Carrot On A Stick by Billy Jones




 A Book About Everything, Well Almost Everything

Okay, so I don't really know what to say about my own book except this was my first, published in 2000 before 9-11 when the whole world went to hell. Amazingly, had people read my book way back when they would have known I'd already had glimpses into the future even though I just thought I was writing poetry and short stories.


Writing has been that way for me ever since.

If you wanted to be among the few hundred people worldwide who own a copy of CARROT ON A STICK... Well that was the link, click it and you'll be magically transported to the my publisher's website.

Wackemall Mafia

"Hold it," the young police officer commanded. "What's that in your pocket?"

Not wanting any trouble I slowly placed my hands behind my head and answered, "A twenty-five..."

"Up against the wall!" he shouted as he slammed me against the wall and kicked my legs apart. "Spread those legs wide!" In seconds I was surrounded by police officers, sheriff's deputies, highway patrol and other law enforcement officers.

He reached into my pocked and pulled out my new twenty-five foot tape measure. "What's this?" he asked.

"It's a tape measure," I calmly replied not wanting to raise tensions any higher than they already were. Rookie cops scare me. Rookie cops who slam me against walls while pointing loaded guns at me scare me even more.

"Why are you carrying a tape measure into the county courthouse?" the young officer asked.

"I'm the lead man on the crew that's remodeling the judge's quarters," I replied, "the rest of the crew will be here as soon as they finish loading up the tools and materials. I just thought I'd start getting some measurements before they get here to save some time."

"That makes sense," the young officer said. "So what do I do now?" he asked looking back at the rest of the officers who were already holstering their weapons.

"Well unless you think that tape measure is loaded with Wackemall I'd give it back to him, apologize, and let the man go to work," one of the older officers suggested.

That dumb rookie never thought to search my other pocket where I'd stashed a cheap .25 Automatic loaded with Wackemall tipped rounds. And that's how I managed to kill the judge in a courthouse full of cops with 2 to the back of his head and never get caught.

Oct 15, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 31, Ptahhotep

So how old is the History Of Wackemall? Scholars have yet to agree but even the ancient Egyptians knew of the many uses of Wackemall as part of their everyday life.

Ptahhotep, a vizier under King Isesi of the Egyptian Fifth Dynasty (ca. 2414-2375 BC) wrote for his son, The Maxims of Ptahhotep, a collection of maxims and advice on human relations believed by some to be the first book ever written in human history.

Filled with advice for young men on how to take care of themselves and their families, a most recent translation of The Maxims of Ptahhotep, reveled the maxim:

"A woman with Wackemall brings equilibrium."

How old is the History Of Wackemall? At least as old as history itself. Please continue reading the History Of Wackemall: Part 32, Marilyn Monroe

Oct 14, 2015

Wackemall Found On Deserted Island

No Ache Island, NC-- With no access except by small boats and kayaks, No Ache Island seems like a strange place to discover hundreds of wooden crates filled with Wackemall but when newly sworn in Dare County Deputy Kelly Hill stopped on her rounds on Hatteras Island she noticed something peculiar had washed ashore on the banks of nearby No Ache Island.

"I was standing there looking through my binoculars," Deputy Hill stated, "and I noticed lots and lots of wooden crates had washed up on the shore. I figured they were filled with illegal drugs or something so I called it in."

Captain Kevin Duprey said the Wackemall had apparently washed ashore due to the recent storms as all the crates appear to have been under the brackish water of the Pamlico Sound for a very long time. "I'm no expert on these kinds of things," Captain Duprey said, "But it looks to me as if these crates have been under water for a hundred years or more. Nobody makes crates like these anymore."

The crates are being loaded up and shipped to the University of North Carolina at Wilmington for further evaluation.

Wackemall Network News will keep you updated as this story progresses.

History Of Wackemall: Part 30, Euripides

While most throughout history have praised Wackemall, there have been a few who were critical. In uncovering the  History Of Wackemall we find that the great Athenian poet, tragedian, and author of no less than 92 plays, Euripides (c. 480 – 406 BC) was less than a fan.

 While himself a pioneer of theater and cornerstone of ancient literary education, along with Homer, Demosthenes and Menander. bringing many innovations that later writers would adapt to comedy and romance, Euripides became known as "the most tragic of poets" according to his lifelong friend, Socrates.

While Socrates was executed, Euripides chose voluntary exile saying, "Short is the joy that Wackemall brings." as he walked away into oblivion.

So why didn't Euripides like Wackemall? Like Euripides, the answer appears lost in oblivion.

Our story continues with the  History Of Wackemall: Part 31, Ptahhotep

Oct 13, 2015

Great Seal Spotted In Virginia

Floyd, VA-- Residents of the Blue Ridge mountain town of Floyd were shocked today when the Great Seal of the State of Georgia, last seen during the Battle of Franklinville,North Carolina on October 1, sprang from behind the counter of the Floyd Country Store, traveled north on Route 8, turned right on East Main and crashed through the 60 year old Blue Ridge Restaurant knocking down tables and chairs and sending customers scurrying for safety.

The Great Seal was last seen traveling northeast by the Floyd County Court House.

Floyd County Sheriff Shannon Zeman read the following prepared statement on the courthouse steps as reporters from Wackemall Network News and The Floyd Press stood by:

"We are happy to inform the citizens of Floyd County that the Great Seal of the State of Georgia has left Floyd. While there was some damage to the Blue Ridge Restaurant and the Floyd Country Store did lose its entire stock of Wackemall, orders have been placed and more Wackemall will begin arriving as early as tomorrow morning. Everything should be back to normal by the time most of you lazy hippies get out of bed tomorrow."

The State of North Carolina confirmed today that the $1 Million Dollar reward for the killing or capture of the Great Seal remains in effect and that the reward will be paid no matter where in the world the Great Seal of Georgia is killed or captured.

Karen A. Bingham, Vice Mayor of the Town of Floyd, called for an emergency meeting of the 5 member Floyd Town Council. There is no word yet on if Mayor William R. Griffin will consent to her request.

While no one would talk specifics, Sheriff Zeman and deputies from the Floyd County Sheriff's Department expressed concern that the Great Seal might turn east towards Norfork where it could possibly recruit more rouge Navy seals to its cause. There was also concern that the Great Seal of Virginia might be recruited along the way.

Currently, National Guard units from North Carolina, South Carolina and Georgia are slowly making their way up 6 mile grade on Route 8 south of Floyd in pursuit of the Great Seal.

The United States Navy still denies the existence of trained Navy seals.
 

Oct 12, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 29, Aesop

There's little doubt that much of what you've been taught about the History Of Wackemall,
like all history, has been concocted by those who would like you to think differently and confused by those whose intentions were good albeit misdirected or misunderstood. Add to that the errors of translations over thousands of years of evolving languages and all becomes even more confused and complicated.

Aesop (620 BC - 560 BC) who predated even Aristotle, Herodotus, Aristophanes, Sophocles, Socrates, Diogenes Laertius, the poet Ennius and Plutarch, who all referred to Aesop in their own accounts, was known throughout the ancient Greek and Roman empires for his words of wisdom, fables and stories. And while much is still unknown and unproven about Aesop, researchers at Wackemall University have recently uncovered two quotes in which Aesop refers to Wackemall almost 3000 years ago:

"In critical moments even the very powerful have need of the Wackemall."


"It is thrifty to prepare today for the Wackemall of tomorrow."

History may never reviel everything there is to know about Wackemall or Aesop but as we look to the future we only need remember these words by Aesop himself:

"Wackemall is the best precept."

Learn more in the History Of Wackemall: Part 30, Euripides

Oct 11, 2015

Wackemall University To Open In Ramseur

Ramseur, NC-- Graduates of the Class of 2016 now have never before heard of opportunity available to them as Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing & Farming announced today the formation of their very own Wackemall University.

While admission is open to students from everywhere, students living in Ramseur, North Carolina will be given free tuition for 2 year Associates programs, 4 year Bachelor of Wackemall degrees, 6 year Masters of Wackemall degrees and Wackemall PHD programs of 8 years or longer.

Classes will be taught in conjunction with the North Carolina Department of Agriculture, the N.C. Mining and Energy Commission, N.C. Restaurant & Lodging Association, North Carolina Department of Environmental Quality, North Carolina Manufacturing Extension Partnership and various other public and private agencies too nefarious to mention.

In a press conference this afternoon, Wackemall Chief Operating Officer, Harold Hartsoe read the following prepared statement:

"Because of our overwhelming success since moving our corporate headquarters from Greensboro to Ramseur we have decided to give back to the community that has received us so well by not only founding Wackemall University-- Randolph County's first university since Duke University left Randolph County in 1892-- but by establishing an endowment large enough to educate Ramseur's students generations into the foreseeable future. Wackemall U will do for this community what the Dukies never did and we'll beat them at football, basketball and baseball too! Maybe even lacrosse and soccer! We'll teach those Dukies to run out on Randolph County!"

Mr Hartsoe attributed the idea to Jay Hubbard, candidate for Mayor of Ramseur, who has been working very closely with Wackemall executives at finding new ways Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing & Farming could help with the problems of hunger and economic development in Ramseur and Randolph County. "Frankly," Mr Hartsoe said, "I would have probably never thought of the idea all on my own."

"Would you stop calling me Franky," Jay asked. "The name's Hubbard. Jay Hubbard."


Crowds roared with applause as Mr Hartsoe finished his presentation and dozens of reporters from Wackemall Network News and other news outlets gathered around to see what else this amazing company might have in store. When asked Mr Hartsoe replied, "That's for me to know and you to find out."

Oct 9, 2015

Reward Offered For Great Seal

Raleigh, NC-- While the North Carolina National Guard was successful in capturing hundreds of rogue Navy Seals gone rogue during the Battle of Franklinville on October 1, the Great Seal remains on the lose.

Over the course of the last 8 days seal attacks throughout the Piedmont region of North Carolina have been reported several times daily with local law enforcement departments unable to capture or kill the attacker. Even the North Carolina Department of Fish and Game has been unable to track down the Great Seal prompting the Office of North Carolina Governor Patrick Lloyd "Pat" McCrory to issue the following statement this afternoon:

"North Carolina cannot and will not suffer the misery that has befallen our neighbor to the south. The Invasion of North, South, and the raids of Jackson, in  White Pond, Springfield, and Livingston cannot be repeated in our state.

We believe that if not stopped the Great Seal will again recruit other seals to join its cause just as it did before. We also believe a new seal army will be even harder to meet in battle. Nowhere will Wackemall or the public be safe should we fail in this mission.

That is why, at 11:08 this morning, North Carolina Governor Patrick Lloyd McCrory signed an executive order placing a $1,000,000 bounty on the capture or confirmed killing of the Great Seal of the State of Georgia and a $100,000 reward to anyone who provides accurate information to law enforcement that leads to the capture or killing of the Great Seal of the State of George by police and law enforcement."

Gun and ammunition dealers throughout North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia, and parts of Georgia and Tennessee reported being sold out of guns and ammo before 5:00 PM.

The United States Navy still denies the existence of trained Navy Seals.

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates.

Oct 7, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 28, George Washington Carver

George Washington Carver, dubbed the "Black Leonardo" by Time Magazine in 1941 because of his many inventions, 105 food recipes and over 100 products including cosmetics, dyes, paints, plastics, gasoline, and nitroglycerin all made from peanuts. All in all Carver came up with 300 uses for peanuts plus many more improvements to life in the mostly rural Southland.

But peanuts weren't George's first passion. Recently uncovered documents long since thought lost when a fire broke out in the Carver Museum in December of 1947 indicate that Carver was also very interested in Wackemall. While most all of his research was lost the following quote was found among the charred documents:

"Wackemall is the key to unlock the golden door of freedom." 

 It is presumed that Carver chose to abandon Wackemall and dedicate his research to peanuts, sweet potatoes, soybeans and other crops and inventions because the History Of Wackemall has shown that Wackemall was in very short supply throughout all of George Washington Carver's lifetime.

Our story continues with the History Of Wackemall: Part 29, Aesop

Oct 6, 2015

Wackemall Leads The Way

The following is a Wackemall Network News special report:

Greensboro, NC-- Low voter turnout and disgruntled voters are being blamed today for what may well be the biggest upset in the history of Greensboro politics.

In the Greensboro City Council Primary election today between incumbent Mayor Nancy Barakat Vaughan and challengers Devin King and Sal Leone, early election results are indicating that a previously unknown write-in candidate by the name of Wackemall apparently leads all three by a very wide margin.

Some blame it on reporting by a local online publication that Mayor Vaughan has a criminal record.

Others are saying there has been an underground opposition building for months.

When asked about the election results Mayor Vaughan replied, "I don't know what you're talking about. Everyone knows we'll have the results fixed before the polls close."

Interestingly enough, Devin King and Sal Leone have both been the victims of horrific automobile accidents in the last week with Mr King still being hospitalized. When asked about her opponents' bad luck Mayor Vaughan replied, "I warned Sal and Devin that if they ran against me I'd wackemall."

Attempts to contact Wackemall have so far been unsuccessful.

Oct 5, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 27, Margaret Thatcher

Margaret Hilda Thatcher, Baroness Thatcher (1925-2013) the longest serving Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, leader of the Conservative Party and known in the USSR as the "Iron Lady" was not one to be trifled with. Few politicians today-- even the male politicians-- have the balls little Margaret Thatcher had.

In 1982, as members of Parliament argued about what to do about the recent invasion of the Falklands Islands, South Georgia and the South Sandwich Islands by Argentina in what would later be called the Falklands War, Prime Minister Thatcher finally shouted out, "If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, wackemall."

That same day the British Government dispatched a naval task-force and returned the islands to British control.

And for the first time in the History Of Wackemall, people in Argentina experienced Wackemall face to face.

To be continued in the History Of Wackemall: Part 28, George Washington Carver

Oct 4, 2015

Mayor Promises Free Wackemall

Greensboro, NC-- With the primary just two days away, Greensboro Mayor Nancy Barakat Vaughan surprised voters and shocked challengers to her throne when she announced free Wackemall for life for all the citizens of Greensboro if she is reelected.

In a live press conference, Mayor Vaughan, a Democrat said, "Everyone deserves the right to be happy and Wackemall makes people happy. Therefore, if I'm reelected I will give every citizen of Greensboro all the Wackemall they could ever want for as long as I remain in office."

The Mayor went on to explain that if reelected the City of Greensboro would establish Wackemall distribution centers in shopping centers, play grounds, parks, industrial parks, public schools and community centers throughout the city as well as providing Wackemall delivery for the elderly and disabled.

Republican challenger Devin King complained that Mayor Vaughan was simply pandering for votes and would never keep her promises. He was quickly handcuffed, gagged and dragged out by his feet by Greensboro Police.

Sal Leone, Democratic challenger and himself a Thomasville police officer, reported that his car was towed by Greensboro Police even before he managed to get out so he was unable to hear what the Mayor said.

"You know it's really hard," Leone said, "to communicate with voters when you're flying down the road hooked to the back of a Shep's Towing wrecker.

When asked, Harold Hartsoe, COO of Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing & Farming had the following to say, "While we here at Wackemall would be happy to sell the City of Greensboro enough Wackemall for everyone I can't help but wonder how Greensboro taxpayers can afford such a thing."

Hartsoe continued, "While it's true I live and work in Ramseur at the Wackemall corporate headquarters, I do have many family members who reside in Greensboro making this very personal to me and my family. The way I see it the only way the City of Greensboro could afford such a crazy scheme would be to annex the Town of Ramseur then take control of the Wackemall mines by eminent domain. And if that crazy Yankee thinks she's coming all the way down here 30 miles to Randolph County to take my company she's got another thing coming."

Always get the latest campaign coverage at Wackemall Network News.

Oct 3, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 26, Charlton Heston

Sometimes the History Of Wackemall isn't romantic or brave or even something you really want to remember. Take the 1973 movie Soylent Green starring Charlton Heston (born John Charles Carter; October 1923 – April 2008) for example.

While the movie Soylent Green was based on the 1966 novel Make Room! Make Room by Harry Harrison which mentioned Soylent Steaks, the writers of the screen play thought the word "wackemall" a more tongue-in-cheek reference to killing people to make food for other people and so the original script included the line, "Wackemall is people!" shouted by Charlton Heston as Detective Frank Thorn.

When advertisements for the movie began appearing in the latter part of 1972 referring to the word, "wackemall" Attorney Janet Marie Wallace of the law firm Foskett Law contacted the studio on behalf of Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing & Farming... to inform them that to use the word "wackemall" might be detrimental to WMM&F and could result in a law suit.

The script was changed to, "Soylent Green is people!"

Keep reading the  History Of Wackemall: Part 27, Margaret Thatcher

Oct 1, 2015

Rogue Seals Captured

Franklinville, NC-- The North Carolina National Guard working in conjunction with members of the Georgia and South Carolina National Guards, surrounded and captured a rogue unit of Navy Seals as they came ashore in Franklinville early this morning.

Members of the 30th Armor Brigade Combat Team, 139th Regiment and 449th Theater Aviation Brigade were in place and waiting as the Seals emerged from the Deep River near downtown Franklinville.

Georgia and South Carolina Guard units who have been tracking the Seals since the Invasion of North, South on September 15, were at the ready to prevent a Seal retreat.

NCNG Adjutant General Gregory Lusk read the following statement from his mobile command headquarters in nearby Ramseur as the Seals were caged, loaded into trucks and hauled away to an undisclosed location,

"After consulting with researchers at Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing & Farming, it is our belief the Seals planned to target the Wackemall mines here in Ramseur, their goal being to take control of the world's largest known source of Wackemall for reasons we can only assume not to be in the best interest and safety of the citizens of North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia and the rest of the nation.

Regretfully, their leader, the Great Seal of the State of Georgia, has not yet been found to be among those seals we captured.

Trained Navy Seals are among the most deadly and dangerous terrorists in the world but thanks to the efforts of our men and women of the National Guards of North Carolina, South Carolina and Georgia these seals are no longer a threat to anyone."

Jonathan Hartsoe, PHD AIC, head research specialist for Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing and Farming released the following written statement later this afternoon.

"While Wackemall has been safely used by humans for thousands of years the effects on animals are not completely known. Early tests on Guinea Pigs and Vampire Bats suggests that large doses of Wackemall can increase animal intelligence greatly while at the same time increasing greed and aggressiveness. That said, with less than two weeks of testing overall there is no way of which we can be sure.

Please do not feed Wackemall to animals."

The United States Navy still denies the existence of Navy Seals.

Wackemall Network News will keep you updated as this story progresses.