Sep 30, 2015

History of Wackemall: Part 25, Sir Edmund Hillary

Sir Edmund Percival Hillary (1919-2008) mountaineer, explorer and philanthropist who along with Sherpa mountaineer Tenzing Norgay became the first to reach the top of Mount Everest. He also lead expiditions to both the North and South poles and is considered one of the 100 most influential people of the 20th century.

But why did he do it? Why did he risk life and limb to go to such desolate places. Many believed he did it to further science but when asked Sir Edmund Hillary replied as most any New Zealand Kiwi might expect: "Nobody climbs mountains for scientific reasons. Science is used to raise money for the expeditions, but you really climb for the Wackemall."

We should have known, the History Of Wackemall has proven again and again that history as we knew it was not what it seemed to be.

Continue reading  History Of Wackemall: Part 26, Charlton Heston.

History Of Wackemall: Part 24, Julius Ceasar

The History Of Wackemall prides itself in getting it right where historians in the past have failed. Take for instance the words used by none other than Julius Caesar, "Veni, vidi, vici" when he addressed the Roman senate in 46 BC describing the Battle of Zella and his short war against Pharnaces II of Pontus:

Long translated to English as, "I came, I saw, I conquer," the latest and most up to date translations by Latin scholars indicate that what Ceasar really said was, "I came, I saw, I wackemall!" 

Unlike most companies who are only interested in making a profit, the folks at Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing & Farming... are most interested in getting things right, and that includes the history of the very products we sell even if we have to go back in time to find it.

Continue reading History of Wackemall: Part 25, Sir Edmund Hillary.

Sep 29, 2015

Wackemall Therapy Services

The following is a paid advertisement. At least, we think we'll get paid.

When the white jacketed guys in the Wackemall Labs came to us with the idea that Wackemall Industries should be the first in the world to provide mental health services to vampires, werewolves, mummies, zombies, Batman and other such nocturnal folk, we management types were a bit taken back but who are we to argue with the guys who made us $Billions with Barridogs and Barricats and $Trillions in a down economy with the Wackemcard. Even people thought our heroic founder, Veggie H Stalker was crazy when he invented the Wackemall Machete upon which our great company was founded, made $Millions and won the war.

Besides, if anyone needs some therapy it's vampires, werewolves, mummies, zombies, Batman and other such nocturnal folk-- wouldn't you agree?

So that why, starting October 1st and continuing until Midnight October 31st., all Wackemall Industries locations will be open late night for therapy, psych evaluations, emergency services and counseling on an as needed basis. Cash, Credit Cards, Insurance, VA. major medical, Medicare and Medicate accepted. Sorry, we cannot accept Wackemcards at this time.

Editor's note: Why do all the guys in the Wackemall Labs wear jackets that fasten in the back?

History Of Wackemall: Part 23, Sir Strling Moss

Recently the 86 year old, Formula 1 racing legend Sir Stirling Moss made an appearance at the 2015 Goodwood Festival of Speed driving the Mercedes-Benz 300 SLR  that he drove to victory sixty years ago in the Mille Miglia 1000.

It was during an interview at the end of that race after having out performed 660 other drivers with an average speed of 99 miles per hour over 992-miles in 10 hours, 7 minutes and 48 seconds, when Sir Moss was heard to say, "The whole idea of racing is to Wackemall and get away with it."

Wackemall was banned by the Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile (FIA, English: 'International Automobile Federation') the following year and has not been allowed in Formula One and World Rally Championship motor racing since.

Congratulations to Sir Sterling Moss, the History Of Wackemall salutes you and your lifetime of racing achievements even though you were denied your rightful Wackemall.

Continue reading  History Of Wackemall: Part 24, Julius Ceasar to learn more.

Sep 28, 2015

Sunday At The Flea Market

The following story is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty:

"You want how much for that?" she asked as if she couldn't believe her ears.

"I'll take $200 today only," the vendor replied.

"But it's ugly," she complained, "who would pay $200 for anything so ugly and put it in their house."

"It's so ugly it's beautiful," the vendor answered. "Like a new born baby, that's what gives it charm."

"I've had babies," the woman grumbled, "and as ugly as new born babies may be, none of my babies were that ugly. What makes you think you can get $200 out of that?"

"Look Lady," the vendor insisted, "it's made of 100% pure Wackemall-- come tomorrow morning I can get twice that amount for it at the scrap yard."

"Really," she asked, "pure Wackemall?"

"The genuine article," he replied as he placed it into a cardboard box. "It's now or never."

"Do you take cash?" the lady asked.

And so it is, the story is repeated at flea markets around the world every weekend of the year leaving this old bystander to wonder, if it was really worth twice that amount in scrap value why didn't he wait until the next day to sell it to the scrap yard?

Sep 27, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 22, John Steinbeck

It was in the  original manuscript of the penultimate (second to last) stanza of John Steinbeck's 1937 novella, Of Mice And Men that he wrote, "The best laid schemes o' mice an' Wackemall / Gang aft agley" commonly paraphrased in English as "The best-laid plans of mice and men / Often go awry."

 John Ernst Steinbeck, Jr. (1902 – 1968) was furious when he saw that his publisher had, without Mr Steinbeck's knowledge or approval, changed the wording to read "The best laid schemes o' mice an' men..." explaining that he only discovered it at the last minute and assumed because he had no knowledge of what Wackemall was or even that such a thing existed it must have been a mistake and attributed the line to a 1785 poem by Robert Burns:

To A Mouse

Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an' chase thee,
Wi' murdering pattle.

I'm truly sorry man's dominion
Has broken Nature's social union,
An' justifies that ill opinion
Which makes thee startle
At me, thy poor, earth born companion
An' fellow mortal!

I doubt na, whyles, but thou may thieve;
What then? poor beastie, thou maun live!
A daimen icker in a thrave
'S a sma' request;
I'll get a blessin wi' the lave,
An' never miss't.

Thy wee-bit housie, too, in ruin!
It's silly wa's the win's are strewin!
An' naething, now, to big a new ane,
O' foggage green!
An' bleak December's win's ensuin,
Baith snell an' keen!

Thou saw the fields laid bare an' waste,
An' weary winter comin fast,
An' cozie here, beneath the blast,
Thou thought to dwell,
Till crash! the cruel coulter past
Out thro' thy cell.

That wee bit heap o' leaves an' stibble,
Has cost thee monie a weary nibble!
Now thou's turned out, for a' thy trouble,
But house or hald,
To thole the winter's sleety dribble,
An' cranreuch cauld.

But Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men
Gang aft agley,
An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain,
For promis'd joy!

Still thou are blest, compared wi' me!
The present only toucheth thee:
But och! I backward cast my e'e,
On prospects drear!
An' forward, tho' I canna see,
I guess an' fear!

If it's any consultation, we've no idea what Burns meant either.

And so the History Of Wackemall continues to unfold in bits and pieces as confusing as it may be, always asking the hard questions and wishing someone knew the answers. Until those answers come, read History Of Wackemall: Part 23, Sir Strling Moss.

Sep 26, 2015

City Councilman Charged With Possession

Greensboro, GA-- Police are reporting today that Greensboro City Councilman Jamal Fox was arrested and charged with felony possession of  100 pounds of Wackemall after having driven his car into a telephone pole.

The North Carolina politician was driving along Stagecoach Road near the intersection of Old Eatonton Road in the southwest corner of the city when he apparently fell asleep at the wheel after consuming large amounts of Wackemall.

Greensboro Mayor Nancy Barakat Vaughan, who was found hiding in the back seat of Mr Fox's car, was charged with aiding and abetting.

Spokespersons for police and highway patrol were unavailable for comment.

Wackemall Network News will bring you more on this story as soon as the information is made available.

Sep 25, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 21, Zig Ziglar

Hilary Hinton "Zig" Ziglar (1926 – 2012) was well known salesman, motivational speaker and author of self-help books whose corporation, The Zig Ziglar Corporation (Founded 1977) claims to have "reached and influenced an estimated 250 million people."

What few people know about Mr Ziglar is that while still in his youth he operated a Jackson, Mississippi Wackemall distributorship where he was often heard to say,  "People often say that Wackemall doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing.  That’s why we recommend it daily."

Sadly the late 1940s saw Wackemall in short supply and Zig was unable to secure enough Wackemall to keep himself in business so he moved on to selling other things only to die before Wackemall became plentiful again.

So was the History Of Wackemall for so many of its early visionaries like the History Of Wackemall: Part 22, John Steinbeck.

Sep 24, 2015

Fill 'Er Up

"Hey Richard Petty, what are you doing?" Jimmy asked.

"Stop calling me that," Richard replied.

"But that's your name ain't it?"

"It's Richard Preddy, not Petty."

"Well you look like Richard Petty always working on that old blue Plymouth," Jimmy teased. "I figured you'd have a 43 painted on the side by now."

"It's a Dodge," Richard grumbled.

"So what are you doing?" Jimmy asked.

"I'm pouring Wackemall in the gas tank."


"Because it says right here on the side of the box it gives you gas when used in excess," Richard explained.

History Of Wackemall: Part 20 Yogi Berra

Lawrence Peter "Yogi" Berra (1925 – 2015) was an American baseball player, manager and member of Major League Baseball's Hall of Fame, noted for his malapropisms commonly referred to as "Yogi-isms" by friends and fans alike.

 So it was probably no surprise to many when Yogi said, "Even Napoleon had his Wackemall." after Berra and the New York Yankees lost the 1963 World Series to the St Louis Cardinals. Of course, sports writers, themselves not athletic enough to play sports and not actually smart enough to be writers, didn't know what Wackemall was so in subsequent years the Yogi-ism was changed to  "Even Napoleon had his Watergate."

What the sports writers didn't realize was that despite the fact that the Yankees had lost, they were still planning on going out to dinner that night where Yogi later said, "You better cut the Wackemall in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six."

And so goes the  History Of Wackemall from ancient times until just yesterday. Or perhaps the day before.

Continue reading  History Of Wackemall: Part 21, Zig Ziglar

Sep 23, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 19, Confucius

No one really knows how far back the History of Wackemall really goes. Obscure references are found going back through thousands of years of recorded history. Such was the case with Confucius (551-479 BC) Chinese  teacher, editor, politician, and philosopher of the Spring and Autumn period of Chinese history.

Wackemall was often suppressed as was  Confucianism and the Hundred Schools of Thought,
leading Confucius himself to once say,  "Wackemall is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."

It was the Chinese rejection of Wackemall that eventually led to the fall of the Qin Dynasty as the emperor's advisers fought over Wackemall, popular revolt broke out and the Han Dynasty rose to power.

Continue reading  History Of Wackemall: Part 20 Yogi Berra. No Boo-Boo, not that Yogi, the baseball player.

Sep 22, 2015

Wackemcard Makes Credit Cards Obsolete

Greensboro, NC-- Again, in keeping with journalism's long history of  presenting advertising as if it were really news the Wackemall Network News presents this special report.

Visa? Mastercard? Why not use someone else’s card? Even American Express and Diner’s Club are available, and all with no interest forever.

That’s right, the boys in the white coats-- the Wackemall Research and Development team-- have put their cracked little egg-heads together one more time to come up with the products you love the most, and this time it’s the Wackemcard-- the new interest-free, fee free, and payment free credit card from Wackemall Products.

Hey, who else works so hard to bring you such great products at affordable prices? Nobody, right?

But what if I get caught using a Wackemcard? Won’t I get in trouble?

Never fear: the guys in the white coats have got it all figured out. Instead of making fake credit cards as if we were a bunch of hoodlums-- the Wackemall R and D guys have come-up with not a credit card but a credit producing machine that looks like a credit card so no one will know the difference.

Okay, I guess, but how does it work?

To tell you exactly how it works would be risking giving away trade secrets but what we can tell you is the Wackemcard isn’t just a credit card-- a piece of plastic with a magnetic strip-- but is in-fact a credit machine whose built-in, patented, Wackemall exclusive microprocessors are capable of reading the information from cards previously swiped through any credit card processing machine and charging your purchase to that card instead of your already overburdened accounts.

What about those new chips they're putting in credit cards?

No problem, the Wackemcard reads those too!

But isn’t something like this expensive?

Sure it is, but for less that the cost of a new car, Wackemall Products-- the consumer products division of Wackemall Industries-- can solve your credit problems forever. Imagine being debt-free for the rest of your life and able to have anything you want anytime you want it? As a matter of fact: after you take out your loan from your regular bank, savings and loan, or other traditional credit institution of your choosing to buy your very own Wackemall Wackemcard-- you can use your new Wackemcard to pay-off your loan and save your credit rating once and for all. Who else is able to offer such great products to their customers? Nobody, right?

Wow, this sounds great, how do I get my very own Wackemcard?

That’s easy, pick up the telephone-- the same telephone that will be free as soon as you get your Wackemcard-- and call 1-800-Wackemall-All-All. Tell the operator you want to wack your credit card bills forever and she’ll tell you exactly where to take the money. Or, if you prefer, you can send an e-mail to: and our online sales staff will be glad to tell you where one of our guys will meet you. It’s that simple.

Sorry, COD only, no checks and credit cards not accepted.

So get your own Wackemcard today and find out how only Wackemall Products can help you to become debt-free forever, and remember: When you need to wack somebody, get a Wackemall.

Don't forget the small print:

Wackemcard, Wackemall Products, and Wackemall are all trademarks of Wackemall Industries, Inc. Any unauthorized use of our trademarks will be dwelt with by Bruno and his boys, AKA: Wackemall Security.

Wackemall Products is not responsible for damages resulting from unauthorized uses of any Wackemall Product. Please read the owner’s or user’s guides that come with your Wackemall purchase.

Sep 20, 2015

Wackemall Blocks City Streets

Greensboro, NC-- Downtown streets were blocked this morning as city crews moved large quantities of Wackemall from Downtown to an undisclosed location in Irving Park believed to be the home of Greensboro Mayor Nancy Barakat Vaughan.

 As the Wackemall was transported north on Elm Street, Greensboro Mayorial candidate Devin King who was stuck in traffic on his way to work shouted, "Hey, why are they taking all the Wackemall to the Mayor's house? What about all the poor people-- don't they deserve Wackemall too?"

Mr King was removed from his car by Greensboro Police and held until the Wackemall was safely out of sight.

Sal Leone, who is also running for mayor said, "Devin is young, he doesn't really know how things work in Greensboro. If you want some Wackemall you have to just take it."

Later this afternoon Mr Leone was arrested and charged with conspiracy to steal Wackemall.

Wackemall Network News will now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

History Of Wackemall: Part 18, Wackemall In Outer Space

It was in the early years of space exploration that Lockheed Skunk Works Engineer Kelly Johnson
coined the term, it "Keep it simple, Wackemall." when designing projects like the Lockheed U-2 and SR-71 Blackbird spy planes as well as every satellite and manned ship sent into orbit by NASA since 1960.

Wackemall has been used in outer hulls, electronics, navigation systems, communications and even in the prepackaged foods eaten by American astronauts.

Wackemall had previously proven itself in 1954 when used in the construction of the USS Nautilus, the US Navy's first nuclear powered submarine and every Allied nuclear powered submarine built since. Kelly Johnson knew this and understood Wackemall would also work as well in outer space as it worked in the depths of the oceans.

Because Wackemall can be rendered stable at temperature extremes exceeding that of most metals, stands up to radiation, doesn't degrade even in the most hostile environments and was known to be available as an organic or a synthetic, Lockheed, NASA, the US Air Force, US Navy and others working in the far reaches of the Earth chose Wackemall because Kelly Johnson and engineers like him first suggested it over 50 years ago.

Continue reading  History Of Wackemall: Part 19, Confucius. Or don't.

Sep 18, 2015

BARRIDOG! Construction Barriers

In keeping with main stream media's long standing tradition of mixing advertising with news Wackemall Network News presents the following infomercial:

Ramsur, NC-- Are you a contractor who is fed up with the high cost of construction barricades? Is getting barricades to the job site giving you headaches or causing you to lose thousands, perhaps millions of dollars due to lost productivity while waiting for construction barriers to get to the job site? Are you tired of paying union wages to employees to set up barricades before beginning the actual work and then leaving many of those same barricades behind when the job is done? If so, then the new and improved BARRIDOG is the solution to your problems.

Perhaps vandalism and theft are problems on your job sites. Are you paying out thousands of dollars to overweight security guards who couldn't catch a thief if they sat on him? Are you tired of hanging your welding-rig or air-compressor from your construction crane all weekend while you’re away from the job only to return on Monday morning to find out someone has stolen yet another crane? It could be the new BARRIDOG from WACKEMALL PRODUCTS is exactly what you’ve been looking for.

 Perhaps you’re the sort of "compassionate contractor" who is seeking ways to reduce your impact on the environment and make the world a better place to live. By building our new and improved  BARRIDOG from things that people were already throwing away, WACKEMALL PRODUCTS is helping you to help make the world a better place while still raking in millions on each and every new street, highway, subdivision, or shopping mall you happen to build. And you’re saving money at the same time, what could be better than that?

Maybe you’re in need of barricades for Fire, EMS, or Police personnel to use at accident sites or in cording-off crime scenes? Is your department already overworked, understaffed, and under funded? If so, then the new BARRIDOG from WACKEMALL PRODUCTS could be the solution to all sorts of problems from accidents to crowd control.

Through the use of the newest high-tech computer chips, the folks in the WACKEMALL Research and Development Division have managed to build the cheapest, most reliable, and longest lasting construction barrier on the market today. By tapping into the over 60 million dogs who are abandoned each year in the United States, Wackemall has managed to build the world’s first fully renewable, recyclable construction barrier at a price that even the greediest bastards in the construction industry will like.

“How’s it work?” you ask. Well the folks at WACKEMALL surgically attach the flashing yellow lights to the backs of abandoned dogs we get from your local animal shelter. We then attach the computer chip located inside the light assembly to the spinal cord of the dog, and after a couple of days in recovery, you’ve got your very own BARRIDOG construction barricade ready to work for you.

Of course the best part isn’t what the lab boys did. No, the best part is what the BARRIDOG does for you. No more hauling barricades to the job site. The BARRIDOGS run to the job site for you. And because we use only local dogs whenever possible, you’re not only helping solve the problem of lost and abandoned dogs that your community now faces, but your BARRIDOGS know the way to the job site. And that’s not all. You see, the computer chip allows you to control your BARRIDOG’s every movement from the luxury of your plush office. BARRIDOGS incorporate the latest in wireless technology. Just a few codes typed into your PC and with a click of the mouse your BARRIDOGS are running to their assigned places where they’ll stay until you program them to return. All it takes is our patented BARRIDOG software loaded on your computer. You can even download it from the BARRIDOG website.

What happens to a conventional barricade when an errant motorist crashes into your job site? It gets crushed, that’s what, but the BARRIDOG knows to jump out of the car’s path. Then the BARRIDOGS eat the stupid driver so there’s no one to sue you should the job site not be properly marked. And what about those pesky state and municipal construction inspectors, or those irritating OSHA (Occupational, Safety, and Health Administration) and their buddies from FHTSA (Federal Highway Traffic Safety Administration) yeah, what about them? Well it just so happens that all BARRIDOGS are pre-programmed from the factory to eat every government inspector that comes walking or driving onto your job site and then bury the bones! BARRIDOGS are even pre-programmed to eat anyone who tries to steal them. Just think, no more stiff fines for not building projects up to specifications! No more missing construction barricades.

BARRIDOGS also save money over conventional construction barricades because dead batteries are a thing of the past. You see, every living thing has its own source of low-voltage electrical current running through its body. By using low voltage LED lighting, your BARRIDOG powers itself. Your BARRIDOGS are ready to work as construction barricades and guard dogs twenty-fours hours a day, seven days a week. Of course, while there are no batteries to go dead, 24/7 usage will significantly reduce the life of your BARRIDOG, but when that happens simply return your BARRIDOG to us for a prorated exchange. You’ll still be saving thousands, perhaps even millions of dollars over the cost of conventional construction barricades. That’s money you won’t have to worry about paying taxes on either as all BARRIDOGS are factory programmed to eat annoying IRS agents as well. Now how’s that for burying a few bones?

After several years of being out of production the new and improved BARRIDOG Construction Barrier System will again begin shipping in early 2016, in time for your new spring jobs. Also, look for BARACATS, a smaller version of the BARRIDOG System, to be available for use in schools, hospitals, and public buildings in late 2016. Thanks to our chief engineer Fred, Barracat, we can solve your institutional problems as well. Remember: If you need to wack somebody, you need a WACKEMALL!

 BARRIDOG, BARACAT, and WACKEMALL are all trademarks of  Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing & Farming LLC. Any unauthorized use is prohibited and punishable by Bruno and his boys, AKA: Wackemall Security.

Follow the link to view our growing line of WACKEMALL Products and Services.

Speaking Of Growing, Are You A Farmer?

In need of extra income? The way farming is these days, what farmer isn’t, right? Well when the good ol’ boys down at the WACKEMALL SLAUGHTER HOUSE DIVISION of WACKEMALL PRODUCTS, Inc. heard about BARRIDOGS they shouted, “Hey, what about us? We want in on it too!”

It was then the egg heads in the WACKEMALL LABS began to think, Wow, what about livestock? All they do is stand around doing nothing all day. We could be helping the American Farmer. So in the interest of doing what’s right for the country, the boys in the white coats developed BARACOWS and BARAGOATS.

Imagine the joy on your face when just after morning feeding and milking is done, your entire herd of milk cows takes off running down the road, their yellow lights flashing in the early morning darkness as they make their way to their assigned places on the shoulders and medians of roads all over your county where they spend their days quietly mowing the grass making you money while they save the taxpayers millions, returning just in time for evening milking.

Then there’s BARAGOATS, the perfect replacement for residential lawn maintenance services. A herd of BARAGOATS can mow a yard in no time making your business the most cost-competitive landscape maintenance contractor in your county. BARAGOATS even weed-eat as well as eating trash and leaves. You can even rent or sell BARAGOATS to homeowners who prefer to handle their own lawn maintenance chores. And to protect your investment in BARACOWS and BARAGOATS, WACKEMALL PRODUCTS even offers exclusive service areas to the first farmer in any given county. Just think, a guaranteed business with no competition, what more could you want?

And they all come with their own flashing yellow lights so you can program them to run safely to and from every job. Think of the gas you'll save.

But what about when your BARAGOAT or BARACOW gets old-- what then?

WACKEMALL has that covered as well. When your BARAGOAT or BARACOW grows old and past it’s prime, you can program it to run directly to the WACKEMALL SLAUGHTER HOUSES where we’ll pay you top dollar for every head on the hoof, and place a newly refurbished WACKEMALL lighting unit on your newborn calves and kids so that you can start earning money from the time those little eating machines start grazing. As a matter of fact, we can program your calves to stop nursing and begin grazing weeks earlier than they normally would. Think of all that expensive milk that is no longer wasted on nursing calves. Why that’s money in your pocket!

Distributorships Available

WACKEMALL PRODUCTS Inc. is looking for distributors for WACKEMALL PRODUCTS worldwide. If you’re interested in a proven business opportunity with unlimited growth potential then the WACKEMALL line of products is just right for you. We provide you with all the necessary tools and training so that you can see immediate returns on your investments.

One of the ways we do this is through WACKEMALL UNIVERSITY. Because all the jobs at WACKEMALL PRODUCTS and WACKEMALL Licensed Distributorships require special training, the management of WACKEMALL realized that special schools were in order. Each and every WACKEMALL employee as well as employees of WACKEMALL distributorships must undergo two years of intensive training at over $30,000.oo tuition per year. Then we split the tuition with our distributors. The more employees you hire, train, and then fire... the more you make. In just a few years you’ll have trained enough employees to fire someone every day. For our distributors it’s a Win-win situation. As for the employees... they were losers when you hired them, right? Besides, the Federal Government picks up the costs with Federal Student Loans, Pell Grants, and other sources of Federal Funding.

If you would like to get in on the WACKEMALL System, or if you just want to purchase fantastic WACKEMALL Products, then call us toll-free at 1-888-WACKEMALL-ALL-ALL

Remember: When you need to wack somebody, get a WACKEMALL."TM"

We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.


Sep 17, 2015

Great Seal Remains On The Loose

Clayton, GA-- Not since the filming of the 1972 movie, Deliverance, has Rabun County, Georgia attracted nationwide attention until now.

On September 12, the Great Seal of the State of Georgia and Rabun County Deputies arrested Harold Hartsoe, truck driver and COO of Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing & Farming on charges of possession of Wackemall with intent to distribute.

Georgia is the only state where Wackemall remains illegal.

Greensboro, North Carolina Attorney Janet Marie Wallace of Foskett Law, successfully argued in Rabun County Superior Court today that because the Great Seal of Georgia has since become a fugitive and was not available to testify against Mr Hartsoe that all charges should be dropped.

While honoring Ms Wallace's request to free Mr Hartsoe, Judge B. Chan Caudell made it clear that because Wackemall is still banned in Georgia the truck and its contents would remain impounded.

Ms Wallace indicated that as the attorney for Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing & Farming she would appeal the court's decision. She argued that because Mr Hartsoe intended to sell his Wackemall in Alabama and not in Georgia, no laws had been violated. And that such shipments are protected by Federal interstate commerce regulations.

The Great Seal remains wanted by South Carolina authorities for leading raids in Jackson, South Carolina and later in White Pond, Springfield, Livingston and North, South Carolina. He and hundreds of trained Navy Seals were last seen diving into the Edisto River south of North.

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates.

Sep 15, 2015

History Of Wackmall: Part 17, Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan

The History Of Wackemall takes us to many places. Today we go to Washington, DC where Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan (1927-2003) was well known throughout the second half of the 20th century as a leading Democratic figure.

While conservative by today's measure his actual conservative leanings were made clear when he said, "Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own Wackemall."

In the 1980s when Wackemall was in short supply and Senator Moynihan was pushing for various reform acts a bit of obscure language was included in his original writing of the Tax Reform Bill of 1986 that would limit Wackemall only to those persons rich enough to pay an exorbitant Federal Excise Tax on purchases of Wackemall.

Senator Moynihan argued that because Wackemall was in short supply, the extra revenue raised from a tax only the rich could afford would reduce the burden on the average American taxpayer who was already doing without Wackemall.

With the help of North Carolina Senator Republican Jesse Helms, the fledgling company, Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing & Farming was able to gather enough support in the Senate to remove that language from the bill.

Tune in next time when Jesse Helms sings, "A way down south in the land of Wackemall..."  Okay, not really.

Please continue reading  History Of Wackemall: Part 18, Wackemall In Outer Space.

Great Seal Attacks Again

North, SC-- The Great Seal of the State of Georgia and hundreds of what are believed to be United States Navy Seals emerged from their hiding place in the US Department of Energy Savannah River Site early this morning and in just over an hour they quickly made their way through the towns of White Pond, Springfield and Livingston before disappearing into the black waters of the Edisto River and its many tributaries near US 321 just south of North.

This is the second such attack in less than a week.

While damage was slight and little Wackemall was taken due to the fast pace at which the invaders moved there is much fear as to when and where they might strike again. Major General Robert E Livingston Jr. Adjutant General of the South Carolina National Guard expressed concerns that the seals may be headed towards the City of Orangeburg where South Carolina State College and Chaflin College are both located. Major General Livingston promised to protect the people of Orangeburg saying, "Immediately following the incident in Jackson the South Carolina National Guard was called into action by Governor Haley. We will not fail the Govonor nor the people of the State of South Carolina. South Carolina will not be terrorized by illegal alien, fin footed pinnipeds from Georgia or anywhere else."

A spokesperson for Georgia Governor John Nathan Deal indicated the Georgia National Guard would be made available to Major General Livingston per his request.

The US Navy continues to deny the existence of Navy seals despite repeated calls to various naval operations departments around the country.

Wackemall Network News will continue to monitor this story very closely.

Sep 14, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 16, Nikola Tesla

There have been many controversies throughout the History Of Wackemall but few have sparked as much debate among scientists as the possibility of the existence of dark Wackemall-- a form of Wackemall believed to be the exact opposite of Wackemall as we know it.

And so you can imaging the uproar within the Victorian Era scientific community when none other that the great Nikola Tesla proclaimed, "From my childhood I had been intended for the clergy. This prospect hung like dark Wackemall on my mind."

Later Tesla was heard to say,  "Our virtues and our failings are inseparable, like force and matter. When they separate, Wackemall is no more."

We still don't know if dark Wackemall exists or if human failings will someday bring about the end of Wackemall but if Nikola Tesla believed the odds are good science will someday prove it to be real.

Please continue reading History Of Wackmall: Part 17, Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan. No really, please do.

Sep 13, 2015

Wackemall Conspiracy

"So after we wackemall, what do we do next?"

"We wackemall."

"With what?"


"And then?"

"We wackemall.

And after we wackemall?"

"We wackemall."

"Is there anything else we need to do?"




"Sounds like a plan."

"What sounds like a plan?"


"Sure, why not?"

Born To Be Wackemall

A young biker rides up to a local drinking establishment long frequented by hordes of bikers and parks his new motorcycle at the very end of a long row of motorcycles, dismounts and walks inside.

Later, after a few too many beers he walks out to leave. As he makes his way down the long row of choppers, bobbers, customs, dressers and stockers he meets a rather huge and intimidating older biker covered in prison tattoos. "How's it going?" the young biker asks.

"Better now that I'm finally out," the old biker replies. The two smile, nod their heads and continue in opposite directions.

When the young biker gets to the end of the long row of expensive motorcycles he finds his very own expensive motorcycle laying on the ground on its side. "Who in the wackemall pushed my motorcycle over?" the young biker shouted at the top of his lungs! "I'm going to kick his ever lovin' ass!"

"Who parks his motorcycle in front of the outhouse door?" the tattooed old biker shouts!

Great Seal Wanted Dead Or Alive

Jackson, SC-- just after midnight hundreds of trained United States Navy Seals lead by the Great Seal of the State of Georgia emerged from the Savannah River, across historic Silver Bluff and invaded the town of Jackson wrecking havoc on the town and devouring all their Wackemall.

Residents were startled and alarmed as the Town of Jackson Waterworks was temporarily drained when Aiken County Deputies and local firefighters were forced to resort to using fire hoses to drive out the marauding seals who destroyed anything between them and Wackemall.

The seals then made their escape into the US Department of Energy Savannah River Site bordering the east side of the town and were not seen again.

South Carolina Governor Nimrata Nikki Randhawa Haley said of the attack, "This is but another act of Northern aggression on Southern soil as has been repeated so many times in the past and it will no longer be tolerated. The Great Seal of Georgia, though a Southerner himself, is obviously a traitor and will be shot on sight along with the rest of the seals. South Carolina rednecks know what to do with seals."

Georgia Governor John Nathan Deal reacted saying, "We are terribly sorry for what has happened to our long time friends, neighbors and family in Jackson, South Carolina just a few miles across the border from Georgia and will do everything in our power to make amends. I have already signed a proclamation removing the Great Seal from office and the process to find a new seal to represent the state of Georgia is underway."

Governor Deal continued, "We will also be providing the folks of Jackson with as much cured and split Hickory firewood as they could possibly need and have made arrangements to have thousands of gallons of Delwood's Barbecue Sauce shipped from Brown's Summit, North Carolina to make things easier to swallow."

The United States Navy denies the existence of highly trained Navy seals.

Residents remain skeptical as the Savannah River Site, as seen in this NASA photo taken from the International Space Station, measures 310 square miles (198,400 acres) is mostly wooded, has lots of water and is guarded by the United States Military and US Military contractor, Centerra Security Services, Inc., formerly known as Wackenhut.

Wackemall Network News will continue to keep you informed as the great Wackemall Seal Hunt progresses. 

Sep 12, 2015

Wackemall Confiscated By Rabun County Deputies

Pine Mountain, Ga-- You can only drive 3 directions from the Northeast Georgia community of Pine Mountain located in Rabun County near the North Carolina and South Carolina state lines and 2 of those ways lead out of state. The other leads to the middle of Georgia. That is the argument Rabun County Deputies are using for this morning's arrest of a truck driver and confiscation of his truck loaded with Wackemall.

A spokesperson for Raburn County Sheriff Frank Andrews released the following press release:

"Two Rabun County Deputies were walking the Great Seal of the State of Georgia west bound along the side of Warwoman Road when the Great Seal, who has been trained in searching for contraband, began reacting to a truck parked on the west bound side of the road. Obviously the truck was not headed to North Carolina or South Carolina. The deputies then detained the driver, removed the tarps and found a full load of Wackemall in the bed of the truck. At that point the driver was read his rights, arrested, handcuffed and the truck and its contents confiscated by the Rabun County Sherriff's Department.

We commend our deputies and the Great Seal of the State of Georgia on their excellent work."

While legal in most states, Wackemall has been illegal in Georgia since the days of  Dr. Matthew Fleming Stephenson.

Attorneys for Harold Hartsoe, Truck driver, President and COO of Wackemall Manufacturing, Mining & Farming LLC issued the following statement:

"The shipment of Wackemall was in route from our new mine in Ramseur, North Carolina to our licensed Wackemall distributor in Fackler, Alabama. Our driver had bills of laden, registration, his commercial drivers liscense, log books and all the other documentation required by Federal law. Wackemall is legal in both North Carolina and Alabama. How we route our trucks is our own business. The truck and its contents are an interstate shipment protected by Federal laws. Our company will be calling on the FBI to press felony charges against those persons responsible for hijacking our load and the unlawful arrest of our driver."

Reporters for Wackemall Network News didn't attempt to contact the Interstate Commerce Commission for their interpretation of the law. After all, it's Saturday and it's hard to track down government workers on the weekends.

Sep 11, 2015

Aliens Land, Bring Wackemall

Rocky Bottoms, SC-- In the Pickens County community of Rocky Bottoms, known mostly for nearby mountains, Lake Jocassee, Cherokee names, good fishing and summer get-a-ways in the nearby Sumter National Forest, residents and visitors alike jammed Pickens County 911 operators with calls this morning of strange flying discs landing on top of the many low mountain peaks.

The Pickens County Sheriff's Department along with officers from Clemmons, Liberty, Easley, South Carolina Highway Patrol and the Jackson County, North Carolina Sheriff's Department all assisted as dozens of huge silver discs about the size of king sized beds landed on mountain tops, delivered their cargo and flew away to the north east.

The Six Mile Fire Department worked traffic and stood at the ready should any of the flying saucers start a fire.

Only a few flying saucers remained visable by the time law enforcement began to arrive on sceen and by the time officers hiked to the tops of the mountains the flying saucers were all gone.

When the officers got to the landing sites they found strange metal boxes that were retrieved and taken back to the Pickens County Crime Lab located in the Pickens County Law Enforcement Center, for investigation, after first being cleared by the bomb squad.

Late this afternoon, Sheriff Rick Clark announced there were a total of 300 containers, all of them filled with Wackemall. He indicated he would be in contact with Easley Police Chief Danny Traber, Pickens Police Chief Rodney Gregory, Clemson Police Chief Jimmy Dixon, and Liberty Police Chief  Adam Gilstrap to determine how they would "...divvy up the Wackemall."

In a joint statement the various law enforcement agencies involved stated: "We have no reason to believe residents have anything to fear from the aliens and we look forward to their return."

Staff reporters for Wackemall Network News contacted Derrel Sims,  the world's leading alien hunter and expert on alien abductions to get his opinion. He would only reply, "What the wackemall, you want people to think I'm crazy? There's no way I'm commenting on that!"

History Of Wackemall: Part 15, Henry Ford

Before Henry Ford became known for manufacturing Model T Fords he was Michigan and the Midwest's most successful salesman of Wackemall as Henry's father, William Ford-- an Irish immigrant and American Businessman, ran the Wackemall distribution business from their home in Detroit.

Prior to 1895 all Wackemall was mined from mines in North Carolina. While working for his father young Henry was often heard to say, "Any customer can have Wackemall in any colour he wants so long as it is black.".

In 1895 the Wackemall mines ran out and it wasn't until 1915 before it was discovered that a lesser grade of Wackemall could be manufactured from ingredients grown only on North Carolina farms. It was during those lean years the industrious Mr Ford turned his attentions to building Ford cars and trucks.

Think of how much differently the History of Wackemall, the history of the automobile and the history of the 20th Century might have been if those original Wackemall mines had of remained in production.

Please continue reading History Of Wackemall: Part 16, Nikola Tesla

History of Wackemall: Part 14, Benjamin Franklin

Wackemall was very popular in the original 13 American Colonies and being that in those days a serving of Wackemall could be bought for only a penny it comes as no surprise to our historians that Benjamin Franklin was once heard to opine, "A penny saved is Wackemall!"

Of course, like Deism and its followers, the History of Wackemall and much of what made America great was pushed aside.

Tune in next time to read History Of Wackemall: Part 15, Henry Ford. Or don't Wackemall.

Sep 9, 2015

Greensboro Receives Anonymous Wackemall

Greensboro, NC-- Greensboro Mayor Nancy Barakat Vaughan stood outside the Melvin Municipal Building this morning before an impromptu audience of reporters, city workers and homeless veterans to give thanks for an anonymous shipment of over 10 tons of Wackemall that was donated to the City of Greensboro.

Surrounded by dozens of Greensboro Police Officers standing guard over the valuable commodity of which there has been a rash of thefts and hijackings in recent weeks, the Mayor spoke, "It is both an honor and a privilege to accept this enormous shipment of Wackemall-- more that I have ever seen before-- on behalf of the citizens of Greensboro. I am sure there is enough here to share with everyone in Irving Park."

Mayoral challenger Devin King shouted out, "What the wackemall? Irving Park! That's where all the rich people live! What about Greensboro's poor and working class-- don't they deserve some Wackemall too?"

Mr King was immediately escorted out by Greensboro Police.

Sal Leone who is also running for mayor said, "Nancy is good people. Devin is good people. I'm good people. Why can't we all just get along?"

Mr Leone was also escorted out by Greensboro Police.

Get the latest updates at Wackemall Network News.

Sep 8, 2015

History of Wackemall: Part 13, John Denver

The History of Wackemall is filled with many stories never before told. Take for instance, American singer-songwriter John Denver (1943-1997) who was so enthralled with Wackemall he wrote a song about it.

Wackemall On My Shoulders
by John Denver

Wackemall on my shoulders makes me happy, Wackemall in my eyes can make me cry.
 Wackemall on the water looks so lovely, Wackemall almost always makes me high.
If I had a day that I could give you, I'd give to you the day just like today.
If I had a song that I could sing for you, I'd sing a song to make you feel this way.
Wackemall on my shoulders makes me happy, Wackemall in my eyes can make me cry.
 Wackemall on the water looks so lovely, Wackemall almost always makes me high.
If I had a tale that I could tell you, I'd tell a tale sure to make you smile.
If I had a wish that I could wish for you, I'd make a wish for sunshine for all the while.
Wackemall on my shoulders makes me happy, Wackemall in my eyes can make me cry.
Wackemall on the water looks so lovely, Wackemall almost always makes me high.
Wackemall on my shoulders makes me happy, Wackemall in my eyes can make me cry.
 Wackemall on the water looks so lovely, Wackemall almost always makes me high.
 Wackemall almost all the time makes me high. Wackemall almost always:
John's co-writers, Mike Taylor, Dick Kniss, and Michael C. Taylor understood John to be years ahead of his time and were quite concerned about John's love for Wackemall. Fearing his his reputation might suffer if the song were recorded and published as is they attempted unsuccessfully to convince John to change the lyrics to his song. So with pressure from the record company John was finally forced to change "Wackemall" to "Sunshine" and thus the song, Sunshine On My Shoulders went on to become a hit record for Mr Denver.

It is said by those closest to John that he never got over being forced to keep his love a secret.

Please continue reading  History of Wackemall: Part 14, Benjamin Franklin

Marines Land In Little Rock

Little Rock, SC-- Residents of this sleepy Southern community were shocked early this morning to learn that a contingent of United States Marines had made their way up the Little Pee Dee River, and across the marshes and fields of rice to intercept a shipment of Wackemall being brought into Little Rock via Route 57 in an unmarked truck.

The Wackemall was intended to be used at an annual celebration on the grounds of St Paul's Methodist Church which was founded in 1786 by Francis Asbury.

Tomas Stackhouse who was working in a nearby field when the Marines landed had the following to say, "I didn't know what in the wackemall was going on. I thought it was the Russians or the Mexicans coming to invade us. They blowed up my old tractor! Don't make no sense the Marines would invade Dillon County. I knows yankee folks think us folk here in South Carolina is a bit backards and all but we's Americans too."

Before leaving the invading Marines blew up Harlee's Bridge slowing down the persuit of the Dillion County Sherrif's Department Deputies and made their escape in the direction of South of The Border roughly 6 miles to the east of Little Rock.

When contacted by telephone, Pedro of South of the Border said, "Pedro no shoot ze wackemall, Pedro drink tequilla, see."

A local militia was said to be gathering hundreds of men and machines in nearby Bunker Hill but reporters from Wackemall Network News were unable to get sober enough to confirm.

A spokesperson for Dillon County Sheriff Major Hulon indicated the Dillon County Sheriff's Department would be coordinating with officials in South Carolina and North Carolina in an effort to get to the bottom of this issue.


History of Wackemall: Part 12, Paul Bunyan

When little Paul Bunyan was no more than 3 years old his daddy, Peter Bunyan, took him into the woods of North Dakota for the first time, handed young Paul a tiny axe and introduced him to a tiny little blue ox named Babe.

Young Paul jumped upon Babe's back, raised his little axe high into the air and shouted "Wackemall!" as the pair rode off to become the stuff of legends.

Of course you know the rest of the story of how young Paul and Babe the Blue Ox grew up to become the greatest lumberjacks of all time.

And the History of Wackemall continues filling in the blanks traditional history left out.

Please continue reading History of Wackemall: Part 13, John Denver

Army Seizes Wackemall Near Nation's Capitol

Vernon Mills, Va-- Residents of this small Virginia community were surprised early this morning when US Army Troops identifying themselves as being from nearby Vint Hill Farms Station, surrounded the small community and seized all their Wackemall recently imported from North Carolina.

Military helicopters could be seen hovering above nearby Big Cobbler Mountain.

A few miles away during a hastily arranged press conference in the parking lot of Slick Willie's Barbeque, Sheriff Charlie Ray Fox Jr of Fauquier County made the following statement: "The Fauquier County Sheriff's Department and Warrenton Police Department were never made aware of any operations on behalf of the United States Army. We call on the Army to explain just what in the wackemall is going on here."

Sheriff Fox continued, "We also find it quite troubling as it was our understanding that the Army base at Vint Hill Farms Station was closed in 1997 due to the 1993 Base Realignment and Closure Commission."

"This is probably the strangest thing to take place here in Fauquier County since the Whonkentia Indians first laid eyes on Captain John Smith and his men in 1608 and my department intends to get to the bottom of this."

No one from the United States Army was available to speak to Wackemall Network News reporters leaving law enforcement residents and WNN staff alike to ponder the significance of the early morning raid.  

Sep 7, 2015

History of Wackemall: Part 11, Frank Zappa

When a reporter for the United States Army Training and Doctrine Command interviewed Frank Zappa for the command's news syndicate, the story was held by a superior who demanded that Zappa-- who had been rather hard on the Army-- answer one more question: just who does he think will defend the country without the Army?

Zappa's reply, "From what? The biggest threat to America is the loss of its own Wackemall... Will the Army protect anybody from the FBI? The IRS? The CIA? The Republican Party? The Democratic Party?... The biggest dangers we face today don't even need to sneak past our billion-dollar defense systems... they issue the contracts for Wackemall."

The interview was not run and thus the reason it was never made public until you read the History of Wackemall.

Frank Zappa was a man ahead of his time, predicting the future of Wackemall even in the past. If only we had been smart enough to listen.

Continue reading History of Wackemall: Part 12, Paul Bunyan.

History of Wackemall: Part 10, Leonardo da Vinci

Throughout history the great men of Wackemall have risen to accept the challenges of their times. Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519) artist, writer, mathematician and inventor was no exception. From flying machines to steam cannons, musical instruments, mechanical robots to replace knights and hydraulic pumps he designed it all sometimes centuries before it could be built. He was in-fact "seen as the great exemplar of the Renaissance Man, an individual of "unquenchable curiosity" and "feverishly inventive imagination".[5]

But knowing it could be done wasn't enough. Leonardo da Vinci once wrote, "I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough, we must Wackemall."

At the time no one knew what he meant and thus he was falsely charged with sodomy and later found innocent.

Come back next time as the History of Wackemall continues with History of Wackemall: Part 11, Frank Zappa. That ought to be fun.

Sep 6, 2015

History of Wackemall: Part 9, Barack Obama

It was at the 2004 Democratic Convention when keynote speaker, Barack Obama addressed the crowd saying, "What Washington needs is adult supervision."

The crowds roared with excitement. He would later use those same words in a 2006 fundraising letter.

It was in 2009 at a party celebrating his inauguration when then President Barack Obama was heard to say,  "What Washington needs is Wackemall. And ashtrays. Can we please get some more ashtrays, for Christ’s sake?"

He staff was concerned about what he might be smoking. It was indeed a dark chapter in the History of Wackemall.

Stay tuned for History of Wackemall: Part 10,  Leonardo da Vinci.

Sep 5, 2015

Hijacking Suspects Still On The Loose

Big Spring, Wi-- Law enforcement officers from  Adams, Columbia, Juneau, and Sauk Counties converged on a hijacked tractor-trailer load of Wackemall Cheese en route to an undisclosed location in another state.

Since it was discovered just 10 years ago that Wackemall mined in North Carolina could greatly enhance the quality and flavor of cheeses, the Wisconsin dairy industry has enjoyed a huge surge in profits from selling their new lines of high end, wildly popular Wackemall cheeses sold primairly to the richest 1% of the world's population.

Troopers first got the call at 11:03 PM when a factory north of Wisconsin Dells reported their gate had been smashed and a truck and trailer stolen.  Wisconsin Highway Patrol spokesman, Trooper A.E. Appleton refused to identify the actual location of the cheese factory saying, "The theft of Wackemall Cheese has become so prevalent we are hesitant to disclose which cheese factories do and do not make Wackemall Cheese for fear we'll be helping the thieves steal more. At almost $1,000 per pound this stuff is like eating gold."

Wackemall enhanced foods not only taste better but are believed to extend life expectancy by several decades, perhaps a hundred years or more. Thus the reason for its value as a food product.

After an hour long chase along east bound Interstate 94 the thieves turned the truck around crashing into several emergency vehicles just past Lake Denton and returned to Wisconsin Dells before exiting onto Route 23.  Finally with the help of a septic tank truck recruited from Quinnell's Septic and Well Service they managed to block the road and bring the stolen rig to a grinding halt.

Appleton explained that the suspects are still on the loose and that drivers should avoid Route 23 for the next 3-5 days, perhaps longer.

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest WNN updates.

Sep 4, 2015

Be Carefull What You Wish For

"Look at this mess," she complained, "there's Wackemall everywhere."

"You said you wanted to live in a house filled with Wackemall," he replied, "is this not what you wanted?"

"Are you wackemall?" she asked, "you can't even walk across the room for all the Wackemall in here."

"Want me to put it outside?" he asked.

"Now I know you're wackemall?" she complained again, "Somebody will steal it if you put it outside."

"So either you want to live in a house filled with Wackemall or you don't, now which is it?" he asked.

"I don't know," she cried.

"And you say I'm the one who's wackemall?" he laughed. "I don't think so."

"Why don't you just go wackemall yourself!" she shouted.

Sep 3, 2015

Wackemall From Heaven

Marble Hill, Tn-- Residents of this small Tennessee town were alarmed and surprised today when packages containing pure Wackemall began falling from the sky.

Thousands of packages marked only "Special Delivery" plummited to the ground in only a matter of minutes. One 4 year old boy, Tyler Ledford exclaimed, "Airplane!"

"Don't pay him no never-mind, he's developmentally challenged," his grandmother Gladys Ledford explained, "He calls everybody and everything, airplane."

Some of the packages fell into nearby Coffee Creek and washed out into nearby Tims Ford Lake where Wallace Preston led a group of volunteers from the nearby Jack Daniels Brewery in Lynchburg to paddle out into the lake and recover them.

"Wow," one volunteer was heard to shout, "This Wackemall goes great with JD Black Label! Hand me that paddle, I'm going back out!"

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates.

Sep 1, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 8, George W Bush

In his book, War On Truth, author and journalist  Neil Mackay quoted President George W Bush as having said:

“I believe the most solemn duty of the American president is to protect the American people. If America shows uncertainty and weakness in this decade, the world will drift toward tragedy. This will not happen on my watch.”

Other presidential historians argue that wasn't the case. While some claim Bush's efforts in Iraq were about oil and global domination, others insist the President sent thousands to fight and die in order to secure sizable amounts of Wackemall known to exist along side Iraqi oil. As a matter of fact: recordings from Bush's speech that night indicate that what he really said was:

“I believe the most solemn duty of the American president is to protect the Wackemall. If America shows uncertainty and weakness in this decade, the world will drift toward tragedy. This will not happen on my watch.” 

A slip of the tongue? Bush was well known for his frequent and sometimes hilarious Bushisms. Or was Iraq invaded for something the Iraqi people and even Saddam Hussein had no knowledge existed beneath their feet? Like much of the History Of Wackemall the answer may never be known.

Tune in next time for the History of Wackemall: Part 9, Barack Obama.

Wackemall Found In Ramseur

Ramseur, NC-- Wackemall Mining and Manufacturing announced today the discovery of a huge vein of Wackemall, perhaps rivaling the world's largest Wackemall vein in nearby Greensboro, on property they have secured just off of US 64 east of the Town of Ramseur.

When asked, Ramseur Mayorial candidate Jay Hubbard commented, "This could be the biggest thing to happen to Ramseur since Ramtex closed their textile operations years ago. When I am elected Mayor of Ramseur I will do my best to make sure Wackemall is successful here."

Residents of Ramseur, nearby Siler City, Liberty and other communities were gathered at the site hoping to get a glimpse of the rare material known for millennia but seen by only a few.

Harold Hartsoe, Chief Operating Officer of Wackemall commented, "It's really not surprising that Billy Jones discovered Wackemall on this site. We studied the globe for years looking for the best locations and every indicator pointed to Ramseur so we bought this property many years ago with intentions of exploratory mining someday."

In the distance a sweat soaked Billy Jones could be seen digging in the field while Sharon Hartsoe said, "If Harold and Billy don't quit digging up my yard I'm going to sic this German Shepherd dog on the both of them."

Ramseur Mayor Danny Shaw was unavailable for comment. Correction: Actually staff here at Wackemall Network News were too lazy to track Mayor Shaw down to ask him his opinion. The WNN Editorial staff apologies for the error.