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Showing posts from September, 2015

History of Wackemall: Part 25, Sir Edmund Hillary

Sir Edmund Percival Hillary (1919-2008) mountaineer, explorer and philanthropist who along with Sherpa mountaineer Tenzing Norgay became the first to reach the top of Mount Everest. He also lead expiditions to both the North and South poles and is considered one of the 100 most influential people of the 20th century.

But why did he do it? Why did he risk life and limb to go to such desolate places. Many believed he did it to further science but when asked Sir Edmund Hillary replied as most any New Zealand Kiwi might expect: "Nobody climbs mountains for scientific reasons. Science is used to raise money for the expeditions, but you really climb for the Wackemall."

We should have known, the History Of Wackemall has proven again and again that history as we knew it was not what it seemed to be.

Continue reading  History Of Wackemall: Part 26, Charlton Heston.

History Of Wackemall: Part 24, Julius Ceasar

The History Of Wackemall prides itself in getting it right where historians in the past have failed. Take for instance the words used by none other than Julius Caesar, "Veni, vidi, vici" when he addressed the Roman senate in 46 BC describing the Battle of Zella and his short war against Pharnaces II of Pontus:


Long translated to English as, "I came, I saw, I conquer," the latest and most up to date translations by Latin scholars indicate that what Ceasar really said was, "I came, I saw, I wackemall!" 

Unlike most companies who are only interested in making a profit, the folks at Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing & Farming...are most interested in getting things right, and that includes the history of the very products we sell even if we have to go back in time to find it.

Continue reading History of Wackemall: Part 25,Sir Edmund Hillary.

Wackemall Therapy Services

The following is a paid advertisement. At least, we think we'll get paid.

When the white jacketed guys in the Wackemall Labs came to us with the idea that Wackemall Industries should be the first in the world to provide mental health services to vampires, werewolves, mummies, zombies, Batman and other such nocturnal folk, we management types were a bit taken back but who are we to argue with the guys who made us $Billions with Barridogs and Barricats and $Trillions in a down economy with the Wackemcard. Even people thought our heroic founder, Veggie H Stalker was crazy when he invented the Wackemall Machete upon which our great company was founded, made $Millions and won the war.

Besides, if anyone needs some therapy it's vampires, werewolves, mummies, zombies, Batman and other such nocturnal folk-- wouldn't you agree?

So that why, starting October 1st and continuing until Midnight October 31st., all Wackemall Industries locations will be open late night for therap…

History Of Wackemall: Part 23, Sir Strling Moss

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Recently the 86 year old, Formula 1 racing legend Sir Stirling Moss made an appearance at the 2015 Goodwood Festival of Speed driving the Mercedes-Benz 300 SLR  that he drove to victory sixty years ago in the Mille Miglia 1000.



It was during an interview at the end of that race after having out performed 660 other drivers with an average speed of 99 miles per hour over 992-miles in 10 hours, 7 minutes and 48 seconds, when Sir Moss was heard to say, "The whole idea of racing is to Wackemall and get away with it."

Wackemall was banned by the Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile (FIA, English: 'International Automobile Federation') the following year and has not been allowed in Formula One and World Rally Championship motor racing since.

Congratulations to Sir Sterling Moss, the History Of Wackemall salutes you and your lifetime of racing achievements even though you were denied your rightful Wackemall.

Continue reading  History Of Wackemall: Part 24, Julius C…

Sunday At The Flea Market

The following story is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty:

"You want how much for that?" she asked as if she couldn't believe her ears.

"I'll take $200 today only," the vendor replied.

"But it's ugly," she complained, "who would pay $200 for anything so ugly and put it in their house."

"It's so ugly it's beautiful," the vendor answered. "Like a new born baby, that's what gives it charm."

"I've had babies," the woman grumbled, "and as ugly as new born babies may be, none of my babies were that ugly. What makes you think you can get $200 out of that?"

"Look Lady," the vendor insisted, "it's made of 100% pure Wackemall-- come tomorrow morning I can get twice that amount for it at the scrap yard."

"Really," she asked, "pure Wackemall?"

"The genuine article," he replied as he placed it into a cardboard b…

History Of Wackemall: Part 22, John Steinbeck

It was in the  original manuscript of the penultimate (second to last) stanza of John Steinbeck's 1937 novella, Of Mice And Men that he wrote, "The best laid schemes o' mice an' Wackemall / Gang aft agley" commonly paraphrased in English as "The best-laid plans of mice and men / Often go awry."

John Ernst Steinbeck, Jr. (1902 – 1968) was furious when he saw that his publisher had, without Mr Steinbeck's knowledge or approval, changed the wording to read "The best laid schemes o' mice an' men..." explaining that he only discovered it at the last minute and assumed because he had no knowledge of what Wackemall was or even that such a thing existed it must have been a mistake and attributed the line to a 1785 poem by Robert Burns:

To A Mouse
Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an' chase thee,
Wi' murder…

City Councilman Charged With Possession

Greensboro, GA-- Police are reporting today that Greensboro City Councilman Jamal Fox was arrested and charged with felony possession of  100 pounds of Wackemall after having driven his car into a telephone pole.

The North Carolina politician was driving along Stagecoach Road near the intersection of Old Eatonton Road in the southwest corner of the city when he apparently fell asleep at the wheel after consuming large amounts of Wackemall.

Greensboro Mayor Nancy Barakat Vaughan, who was found hiding in the back seat of Mr Fox's car, was charged with aiding and abetting.

Spokespersons for police and highway patrol were unavailable for comment.

Wackemall Network News will bring you more on this story as soon as the information is made available.

History Of Wackemall: Part 21, Zig Ziglar

Hilary Hinton "Zig" Ziglar (1926 – 2012) was well known salesman, motivational speaker and author of self-help books whose corporation, The Zig Ziglar Corporation (Founded 1977) claims to have "reached and influenced an estimated 250 million people."

What few people know about Mr Ziglar is that while still in his youth he operated a Jackson, Mississippi Wackemall distributorship where he was often heard to say,  "People often say that Wackemall doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing.  That’s why we recommend it daily."

Sadly the late 1940s saw Wackemall in short supply and Zig was unable to secure enough Wackemall to keep himself in business so he moved on to selling other things only to die before Wackemall became plentiful again.

So was the History Of Wackemall for so many of its early visionaries like the History Of Wackemall: Part 22, John Steinbeck.

Fill 'Er Up

"Hey Richard Petty, what are you doing?" Jimmy asked.

"Stop calling me that," Richard replied.

"But that's your name ain't it?"

"It's Richard Preddy, not Petty."

"Well you look like Richard Petty always working on that old blue Plymouth," Jimmy teased. "I figured you'd have a 43 painted on the side by now."

"It's a Dodge," Richard grumbled.

"So what are you doing?" Jimmy asked.

"I'm pouring Wackemall in the gas tank."

"Why?"

"Because it says right here on the side of the box it gives you gas when used in excess," Richard explained.


History Of Wackemall: Part 20 Yogi Berra

Lawrence Peter "Yogi" Berra (1925 – 2015) was an American baseball player, manager and member of Major League Baseball's Hall of Fame, noted for his malapropisms commonly referred to as "Yogi-isms" by friends and fans alike.

 So it was probably no surprise to many when Yogi said, "Even Napoleon had his Wackemall." after Berra and the New York Yankees lost the 1963 World Series to the St Louis Cardinals. Of course, sports writers, themselves not athletic enough to play sports and not actually smart enough to be writers, didn't know what Wackemall was so in subsequent years the Yogi-ism was changed to  "Even Napoleon had his Watergate."

What the sports writers didn't realize was that despite the fact that the Yankees had lost, they were still planning on going out to dinner that night where Yogi later said, "You better cut the Wackemall in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six."

And so goes the  History Of Wac…

History Of Wackemall: Part 19, Confucius

No one really knows how far back the History of Wackemall really goes. Obscure references are found going back through thousands of years of recorded history. Such was the case with Confucius (551-479 BC) Chinese  teacher, editor, politician, and philosopher of the Spring and Autumn period of Chinese history.
Wackemall was often suppressed as was  Confucianism and the Hundred Schools of Thought, leading Confucius himself to once say,  "Wackemall is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."
It was the Chinese rejection of Wackemall that eventually led to the fall of the Qin Dynasty as the emperor's advisers fought over Wackemall, popular revolt broke out and the Han Dynasty rose to power.

Continue reading  History Of Wackemall: Part 20 Yogi Berra. No Boo-Boo, not that Yogi, the baseball player.

Wackemcard Makes Credit Cards Obsolete

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Greensboro, NC-- Again, in keeping with journalism's long history of presenting advertising as if it were really news the Wackemall Network News presents this special report.
Visa? Mastercard? Why not use someone else’s card? Even American Express and Diner’s Club are available, and all with no interest forever.


That’s right, the boys in the white coats-- the Wackemall Research and Development team-- have put their cracked little egg-heads together one more time to come up with the products you love the most, and this time it’s the Wackemcard-- the new interest-free, fee free, and payment free credit card from Wackemall Products.


Hey, who else works so hard to bring you such great products at affordable prices? Nobody, right?

But what if I get caught using a Wackemcard? Won’t I get in trouble?

Never fear: the guys in the white coats have got it all figured out. Instead of making fake credit cards as if we were a bunch of hoodlums-- the Wackemall R and D guys have come-up wi…

Wackemall Blocks City Streets

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Greensboro, NC-- Downtown streets were blocked this morning as city crews moved large quantities of Wackemall from Downtown to an undisclosed location in Irving Park believed to be the home of Greensboro Mayor Nancy Barakat Vaughan.

 As the Wackemall was transported north on Elm Street, Greensboro Mayorial candidate Devin King who was stuck in traffic on his way to work shouted, "Hey, why are they taking all the Wackemall to the Mayor's house? What about all the poor people-- don't they deserve Wackemall too?"

Mr King was removed from his car by Greensboro Police and held until the Wackemall was safely out of sight.

Sal Leone, who is also running for mayor said, "Devin is young, he doesn't really know how things work in Greensboro. If you want some Wackemall you have to just take it."

Later this afternoon Mr Leone was arrested and charged with conspiracy to steal Wackemall.

Wackemall Network News will now return you to your regularly scheduled programming…

History Of Wackemall: Part 18, Wackemall In Outer Space

It was in the early years of space exploration that Lockheed Skunk Works Engineer Kelly Johnson
coined the term, it "Keep it simple, Wackemall." when designing projects like the Lockheed U-2 and SR-71 Blackbird spy planes as well as every satellite and manned ship sent into orbit by NASA since 1960.

Wackemall has been used in outer hulls, electronics, navigation systems, communications and even in the prepackaged foods eaten by American astronauts.

Wackemall had previously proven itself in 1954 when used in the construction of the USS Nautilus, the US Navy's first nuclear powered submarine and every Allied nuclear powered submarine built since. Kelly Johnson knew this and understood Wackemall would also work as well in outer space as it worked in the depths of the oceans.

Because Wackemall can be rendered stable at temperature extremes exceeding that of most metals, stands up to radiation, doesn't degrade even in the most hostile environments and was known to be avai…

BARRIDOG! Construction Barriers

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In keeping with main stream media's long standing tradition of mixing advertising with news Wackemall Network News presents the following infomercial:

Ramsur, NC-- Are you a contractor who is fed up with the high cost of construction barricades? Is getting barricades to the job site giving you headaches or causing you to lose thousands, perhaps millions of dollars due to lost productivity while waiting for construction barriers to get to the job site? Are you tired of paying union wages to employees to set up barricades before beginning the actual work and then leaving many of those same barricades behind when the job is done? If so, then the new and improved BARRIDOG is the solution to your problems.



Perhaps vandalism and theft are problems on your job sites. Are you paying out thousands of dollars to overweight security guards who couldn't catch a thief if they sat on him? Are you tired of hanging your welding-rig or air-compressor from your construction crane all …

Great Seal Remains On The Loose

Clayton, GA-- Not since the filming of the 1972 movie, Deliverance, has Rabun County, Georgia attracted nationwide attention until now.

On September 12, the Great Seal of the State of Georgia and Rabun County Deputies arrested Harold Hartsoe, truck driver and COO of Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing & Farming on charges of possession of Wackemall with intent to distribute.

Georgia is the only state where Wackemall remains illegal.

Greensboro, North Carolina Attorney Janet Marie Wallace of Foskett Law, successfully argued in Rabun County Superior Court today that because the Great Seal of Georgia has since become a fugitive and was not available to testify against Mr Hartsoe that all charges should be dropped.

While honoring Ms Wallace's request to free Mr Hartsoe, Judge B. Chan Caudell made it clear that because Wackemall is still banned in Georgia the truck and its contents would remain impounded.

Ms Wallace indicated that as the attorney for Wackemall Mining, Manufacturing &…

History Of Wackmall: Part 17, Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan

The History Of Wackemall takes us to many places. Today we go to Washington, DC where Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan (1927-2003) was well known throughout the second half of the 20th century as a leading Democratic figure.

While conservative by today's measure his actual conservative leanings were made clear when he said, "Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own Wackemall."

In the 1980s when Wackemall was in short supply and Senator Moynihan was pushing for various reform acts a bit of obscure language was included in his original writing of the Tax Reform Bill of 1986 that would limit Wackemall only to those persons rich enough to pay an exorbitant Federal Excise Tax on purchases of Wackemall.

Senator Moynihan argued that because Wackemall was in short supply, the extra revenue raised from a tax only the rich could afford would reduce the burden on the average American taxpayer who was already doing without Wackemall.


With the help of North Carolina S…

Great Seal Attacks Again

North, SC-- The Great Seal of the State of Georgia and hundreds of what are believed to be United States Navy Seals emerged from their hiding place in the US Department of Energy Savannah River Site early this morning and in just over an hour they quickly made their way through the towns of White Pond, Springfield and Livingston before disappearing into the black waters of the Edisto River and its many tributaries near US 321 just south of North.

This is the second such attack in less than a week.

While damage was slight and little Wackemall was taken due to the fast pace at which the invaders moved there is much fear as to when and where they might strike again. Major General Robert E Livingston Jr. Adjutant General of the South Carolina National Guard expressed concerns that the seals may be headed towards the City of Orangeburg where South Carolina State College and Chaflin College are both located. Major General Livingston promised to protect the people of Orangeburg saying, "…

History Of Wackemall: Part 16, Nikola Tesla

There have been many controversies throughout the History Of Wackemall but few have sparked as much debate among scientists as the possibility of the existence of dark Wackemall-- a form of Wackemall believed to be the exact opposite of Wackemall as we know it.

And so you can imaging the uproar within the Victorian Era scientific community when none other that the great Nikola Tesla proclaimed, "From my childhood I had been intended for the clergy. This prospect hung like dark Wackemall on my mind."

Later Tesla was heard to say, "Our virtues and our failings are inseparable, like force and matter. When they separate, Wackemall is no more."

We still don't know if dark Wackemall exists or if human failings will someday bring about the end of Wackemall but if Nikola Tesla believed the odds are good science will someday prove it to be real.

Please continue reading History Of Wackmall: Part 17, Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan. No really, please do.

Wackemall Conspiracy

"So after we wackemall, what do we do next?"

"We wackemall."

"With what?"

"Wackemall?"

"And then?"

"We wackemall.

And after we wackemall?"

"We wackemall."

"Is there anything else we need to do?"

"Yeah."

"What?"

"Wackemall!"

"Sounds like a plan."

"What sounds like a plan?"

"Wackemall."

"Sure, why not?"


Born To Be Wackemall

A young biker rides up to a local drinking establishment long frequented by hordes of bikers and parks his new motorcycle at the very end of a long row of motorcycles, dismounts and walks inside.

Later, after a few too many beers he walks out to leave. As he makes his way down the long row of choppers, bobbers, customs, dressers and stockers he meets a rather huge and intimidating older biker covered in prison tattoos. "How's it going?" the young biker asks.

"Better now that I'm finally out," the old biker replies. The two smile, nod their heads and continue in opposite directions.

When the young biker gets to the end of the long row of expensive motorcycles he finds his very own expensive motorcycle laying on the ground on its side. "Who in the wackemall pushed my motorcycle over?" the young biker shouted at the top of his lungs! "I'm going to kick his ever lovin' ass!"

"Who parks his motorcycle in front of the outhouse doo…

Great Seal Wanted Dead Or Alive

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Jackson, SC-- just after midnight hundreds of trained United States Navy Seals lead by the Great Seal of the State of Georgia emerged from the Savannah River, across historic Silver Bluff and invaded the town of Jackson wrecking havoc on the town and devouring all their Wackemall.

Residents were startled and alarmed as the Town of Jackson Waterworks was temporarily drained when Aiken County Deputies and local firefighters were forced to resort to using fire hoses to drive out the marauding seals who destroyed anything between them and Wackemall.

The seals then made their escape into the US Department of Energy Savannah River Site bordering the east side of the town and were not seen again.

South Carolina Governor Nimrata Nikki Randhawa Haley said of the attack, "This is but another act of Northern aggression on Southern soil as has been repeated so many times in the past and it will no longer be tolerated. The Great Seal of Georgia, though a Southerner himself, is obviously a tra…

Wackemall Confiscated By Rabun County Deputies

Pine Mountain, Ga-- You can only drive 3 directions from the Northeast Georgia community of Pine Mountain located in Rabun County near the North Carolina and South Carolina state lines and 2 of those ways lead out of state. The other leads to the middle of Georgia. That is the argument Rabun County Deputies are using for this morning's arrest of a truck driver and confiscation of his truck loaded with Wackemall.

A spokesperson for Raburn County Sheriff Frank Andrews released the following press release:

"Two Rabun County Deputies were walking the Great Seal of the State of Georgia west bound along the side of Warwoman Road when the Great Seal, who has been trained in searching for contraband, began reacting to a truck parked on the west bound side of the road. Obviously the truck was not headed to North Carolina or South Carolina. The deputies then detained the driver, removed the tarps and found a full load of Wackemall in the bed of the truck. At that point the driver was …

Aliens Land, Bring Wackemall

Rocky Bottoms, SC-- In the Pickens County community of Rocky Bottoms, known mostly for nearby mountains, Lake Jocassee, Cherokee names, good fishing and summer get-a-ways in the nearby Sumter National Forest, residents and visitors alike jammed Pickens County 911 operators with calls this morning of strange flying discs landing on top of the many low mountain peaks.

The Pickens County Sheriff's Department along with officers from Clemmons, Liberty, Easley, South Carolina Highway Patrol and the Jackson County, North Carolina Sheriff's Department all assisted as dozens of huge silver discs about the size of king sized beds landed on mountain tops, delivered their cargo and flew away to the north east.

The Six Mile Fire Department worked traffic and stood at the ready should any of the flying saucers start a fire.

Only a few flying saucers remained visable by the time law enforcement began to arrive on sceen and by the time officers hiked to the tops of the mountains the flying s…

History Of Wackemall: Part 15, Henry Ford

Before Henry Ford became known for manufacturing Model T Fords he was Michigan and the Midwest's most successful salesman of Wackemall as Henry's father, William Ford-- an Irish immigrant and American Businessman, ran the Wackemall distribution business from their home in Detroit.

Prior to 1895 all Wackemall was mined from mines in North Carolina. While working for his father young Henry was often heard to say, "Any customer can have Wackemall in any colour he wants so long as it is black.".

In 1895 the Wackemall mines ran out and it wasn't until 1915 before it was discovered that a lesser grade of Wackemall could be manufactured from ingredients grown only on North Carolina farms. It was during those lean years the industrious Mr Ford turned his attentions to building Ford cars and trucks.

Think of how much differently the History of Wackemall, the history of the automobile and the history of the 20th Century might have been if those original Wackemall mines ha…

History of Wackemall: Part 14, Benjamin Franklin

Wackemall was very popular in the original 13 American Colonies and being that in those days a serving of Wackemall could be bought for only a penny it comes as no surprise to our historians that Benjamin Franklin was once heard to opine, "A penny saved is Wackemall!"

Of course, like Deism and its followers, the History of Wackemall and much of what made America great was pushed aside.

Tune in next time to read History Of Wackemall: Part 15, Henry Ford. Or don't Wackemall.

Greensboro Receives Anonymous Wackemall

Greensboro, NC-- Greensboro Mayor Nancy Barakat Vaughan stood outside the Melvin Municipal Building this morning before an impromptu audience of reporters, city workers and homeless veterans to give thanks for an anonymous shipment of over 10 tons of Wackemall that was donated to the City of Greensboro.

Surrounded by dozens of Greensboro Police Officers standing guard over the valuable commodity of which there has been a rash of thefts and hijackings in recent weeks, the Mayor spoke, "It is both an honor and a privilege to accept this enormous shipment of Wackemall-- more that I have ever seen before-- on behalf of the citizens of Greensboro. I am sure there is enough here to share with everyone in Irving Park."

Mayoral challenger Devin King shouted out, "What the wackemall? Irving Park! That's where all the rich people live! What about Greensboro's poor and working class-- don't they deserve some Wackemall too?"

Mr King was immediately escorted out by …

History of Wackemall: Part 13, John Denver

The History of Wackemall is filled with many stories never before told. Take for instance, American singer-songwriter John Denver (1943-1997) who was so enthralled with Wackemall he wrote a song about it.


Wackemall On My Shoulders
by John Denver

Wackemall on my shoulders makes me happy, Wackemall in my eyes can make me cry.
 Wackemall on the water looks so lovely, Wackemall almost always makes me high.
If I had a day that I could give you, I'd give to you the day just like today.
If I had a song that I could sing for you, I'd sing a song to make you feel this way.
Wackemall on my shoulders makes me happy, Wackemall in my eyes can make me cry.
 Wackemall on the water looks so lovely, Wackemall almost always makes me high.
If I had a tale that I could tell you, I'd tell a tale sure to make you smile.
If I had a wish that I could wish for you, I'd make a wish for sunshine for all the while.
Wackemall on my shoulders makes me happy, Wackemall in my eyes can make me cry.
Wackema…

Marines Land In Little Rock

Little Rock, SC-- Residents of this sleepy Southern community were shocked early this morning to learn that a contingent of United States Marines had made their way up the Little Pee Dee River, and across the marshes and fields of rice to intercept a shipment of Wackemall being brought into Little Rock via Route 57 in an unmarked truck.

The Wackemall was intended to be used at an annual celebration on the grounds of St Paul's Methodist Church which was founded in 1786 by Francis Asbury.

Tomas Stackhouse who was working in a nearby field when the Marines landed had the following to say, "I didn't know what in the wackemall was going on. I thought it was the Russians or the Mexicans coming to invade us. They blowed up my old tractor! Don't make no sense the Marines would invade Dillon County. I knows yankee folks think us folk here in South Carolina is a bit backards and all but we's Americans too."

Before leaving the invading Marines blew up Harlee's Bridg…

History of Wackemall: Part 12, Paul Bunyan

When little Paul Bunyan was no more than 3 years old his daddy, Peter Bunyan, took him into the woods of North Dakota for the first time, handed young Paul a tiny axe and introduced him to a tiny little blue ox named Babe.

Young Paul jumped upon Babe's back, raised his little axe high into the air and shouted "Wackemall!" as the pair rode off to become the stuff of legends.

Of course you know the rest of the story of how young Paul and Babe the Blue Ox grew up to become the greatest lumberjacks of all time.

And the History of Wackemall continues filling in the blanks traditional history left out.

Please continue reading History of Wackemall: Part 13, John Denver

Army Seizes Wackemall Near Nation's Capitol

Vernon Mills, Va-- Residents of this small Virginia community were surprised early this morning when US Army Troops identifying themselves as being from nearby Vint Hill Farms Station, surrounded the small community and seized all their Wackemall recently imported from North Carolina.

Military helicopters could be seen hovering above nearby Big Cobbler Mountain.

A few miles away during a hastily arranged press conference in the parking lot of Slick Willie's Barbeque, Sheriff Charlie Ray Fox Jr of Fauquier County made the following statement: "The Fauquier County Sheriff's Department and Warrenton Police Department were never made aware of any operations on behalf of the United States Army. We call on the Army to explain just what in the wackemall is going on here."

Sheriff Fox continued, "We also find it quite troubling as it was our understanding that the Army base at Vint Hill Farms Station was closed in 1997 due to the 1993 Base Realignment and Closure Commi…

History of Wackemall: Part 11, Frank Zappa

When a reporter for the United States Army Training and Doctrine Command interviewed Frank Zappa for the command's news syndicate, the story was held by a superior who demanded that Zappa-- who had been rather hard on the Army-- answer one more question: just who does he think will defend the country without the Army?

Zappa's reply, "From what? The biggest threat to America is the loss of its own Wackemall... Will the Army protect anybody from the FBI? The IRS? The CIA? The Republican Party? The Democratic Party?... The biggest dangers we face today don't even need to sneak past our billion-dollar defense systems... they issue the contracts for Wackemall."

The interview was not run and thus the reason it was never made public until you read the History of Wackemall.

Frank Zappa was a man ahead of his time, predicting the future of Wackemall even in the past. If only we had been smart enough to listen.

Continue reading History of Wackemall: Part 12, Paul Bunya…

History of Wackemall: Part 10, Leonardo da Vinci

Throughout history the great men of Wackemall have risen to accept the challenges of their times. Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519) artist, writer, mathematician and inventor was no exception. From flying machines to steam cannons, musical instruments, mechanical robots to replace knights and hydraulic pumps he designed it all sometimes centuries before it could be built. He was in-fact "seen as the great exemplar of the Renaissance Man, an individual of "unquenchable curiosity" and "feverishly inventive imagination".[5]


But knowing it could be done wasn't enough. Leonardo da Vinci once wrote, "I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough, we must Wackemall."

At the time no one knew what he meant and thus he was falsely charged with sodomy and later found innocent.

Come back next time as the History of Wackemall continues with History of Wackemall: Part 11, Frank Zappa. That ough…

History of Wackemall: Part 9, Barack Obama

It was at the 2004 Democratic Convention when keynote speaker, Barack Obama addressed the crowd saying, "What Washington needs is adult supervision."

The crowds roared with excitement. He would later use those same words in a 2006 fundraising letter.

It was in 2009 at a party celebrating his inauguration when then President Barack Obama was heard to say,  "What Washington needs is Wackemall. And ashtrays. Can we please get some more ashtrays, for Christ’s sake?"

He staff was concerned about what he might be smoking. It was indeed a dark chapter in the History of Wackemall.

Stay tuned for History of Wackemall: Part 10,  Leonardo da Vinci.

Hijacking Suspects Still On The Loose

Big Spring, Wi-- Law enforcement officers from  Adams, Columbia, Juneau, and Sauk Counties converged on a hijacked tractor-trailer load of Wackemall Cheese en route to an undisclosed location in another state.

Since it was discovered just 10 years ago that Wackemall mined in North Carolina could greatly enhance the quality and flavor of cheeses, the Wisconsin dairy industry has enjoyed a huge surge in profits from selling their new lines of high end, wildly popular Wackemall cheeses sold primairly to the richest 1% of the world's population.

Troopers first got the call at 11:03 PM when a factory north of Wisconsin Dells reported their gate had been smashed and a truck and trailer stolen.  Wisconsin Highway Patrol spokesman, Trooper A.E. Appleton refused to identify the actual location of the cheese factory saying, "The theft of Wackemall Cheese has become so prevalent we are hesitant to disclose which cheese factories do and do not make Wackemall Cheese for fear we'll be …

Be Carefull What You Wish For

"Look at this mess," she complained, "there's Wackemall everywhere."

"You said you wanted to live in a house filled with Wackemall," he replied, "is this not what you wanted?"

"Are you wackemall?" she asked, "you can't even walk across the room for all the Wackemall in here."

"Want me to put it outside?" he asked.

"Now I know you're wackemall?" she complained again, "Somebody will steal it if you put it outside."

"So either you want to live in a house filled with Wackemall or you don't, now which is it?" he asked.

"I don't know," she cried.

"And you say I'm the one who's wackemall?" he laughed. "I don't think so."

"Why don't you just go wackemall yourself!" she shouted.

Wackemall From Heaven

Marble Hill, Tn-- Residents of this small Tennessee town were alarmed and surprised today when packages containing pure Wackemall began falling from the sky.

Thousands of packages marked only "Special Delivery" plummited to the ground in only a matter of minutes. One 4 year old boy, Tyler Ledford exclaimed, "Airplane!"

"Don't pay him no never-mind, he's developmentally challenged," his grandmother Gladys Ledford explained, "He calls everybody and everything, airplane."

Some of the packages fell into nearby Coffee Creek and washed out into nearby Tims Ford Lake where Wallace Preston led a group of volunteers from the nearby Jack Daniels Brewery in Lynchburg to paddle out into the lake and recover them.

"Wow," one volunteer was heard to shout, "This Wackemall goes great with JD Black Label! Hand me that paddle, I'm going back out!"

Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates.


History Of Wackemall: Part 8, George W Bush

In his book, War On Truth, author and journalist  Neil Mackay quoted President George W Bush as having said:

“I believe the most solemn duty of the American president is to protect the American people. If America shows uncertainty and weakness in this decade, the world will drift toward tragedy. This will not happen on my watch.”
Other presidential historians argue that wasn't the case. While some claim Bush's efforts in Iraq were about oil and global domination, others insist the President sent thousands to fight and die in order to secure sizable amounts of Wackemall known to exist along side Iraqi oil. As a matter of fact: recordings from Bush's speech that night indicate that what he really said was:

“I believe the most solemn duty of the American president is to protect the Wackemall. If America shows uncertainty and weakness in this decade, the world will drift toward tragedy. This will not happen on my watch.” 
A slip of the tongue? Bush was well known for hi…

Wackemall Found In Ramseur

Ramseur, NC-- Wackemall Mining and Manufacturing announced today the discovery of a huge vein of Wackemall, perhaps rivaling the world's largest Wackemall vein in nearby Greensboro, on property they have secured just off of US 64 east of the Town of Ramseur.

When asked, Ramseur Mayorial candidate Jay Hubbard commented, "This could be the biggest thing to happen to Ramseur since Ramtex closed their textile operations years ago. When I am elected Mayor of Ramseur I will do my best to make sure Wackemall is successful here."

Residents of Ramseur, nearby Siler City, Liberty and other communities were gathered at the site hoping to get a glimpse of the rare material known for millennia but seen by only a few.

Harold Hartsoe, Chief Operating Officer of Wackemall commented, "It's really not surprising that Billy Jones discovered Wackemall on this site. We studied the globe for years looking for the best locations and every indicator pointed to Ramseur so we bought thi…