Aug 30, 2015

Wackemall In Red

"So," she asked, "you want to try it?"

"You say this Wackemall thing is really good?" he asked.

"It's anything you want it to be." she smiled, "Good, bad and ugly if that's what you're into."

"Hot?" he grinned.

"And sexy," she whispered nodding her head, "guaranteed to curl your toes backwards."

"Sounds painful," he winced.

"If you want it to be," she laughed.

"How long does it last?" he asked.

"Longer than you can stand."

"Is it expensive?" he asked with concern. "It sounds expensive."

"You can spend as much as you want to spend," she giggled, "no more, no less."

I'm game," he said as the two of them walked inside the room.

A month later, as he crawled out on his hands and knees he was heard to say, "I'll be back for more."

"I know you will," she said as she took a draw on her cigar, "They always come back for more Wackemall as soon as they recover."

Aug 26, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 7, Paul Revere

While much is known about Paul Revere and his famous Midnight Ride from Charleston to Lexington, Massachusetts warning almost every home along his route of the arrival of British troops and alerting Colonial Minutemen to take up arms, little is known about his love for Wackemall.

Contrary to popular myth, Revere never did shout, "The British are coming." From Wikipedia:

"Riding through present-day Somerville, Medford, and Arlington, Revere warned patriots along his route, many of whom set out on horseback to deliver warnings of their own. By the end of the night there were probably as many as 40 riders throughout Middlesex County carrying the news of the army's advance. Revere did not shout the phrase later attributed to him ("The British are coming!"): His mission depended on secrecy, the countryside was filled with British army patrols, and most of the Massachusetts colonists (who were predominantly English in ethnic origin)[44] still considered themselves British.[45][46] Revere's warning, according to eyewitness accounts of the ride and Revere's own descriptions, was "The Regulars are coming out."[47] "

Something else that isn't often told is that Paul Revere had made that ride many times before.

You see, Wackemall was quite popular with the British Colonials of Massachusetts but as the closest Wackemall had to be mined and transported from North Carolina a system had been long worked out to allow the residents of the area to know in advance when the latest shipments of Wackemall would be arriving in Charlestown so they could be there waiting.

As a smart businessman and the local distributor of Wackemall, many a time Paul Revere was known to make that same said ride while shouting, "The Wackemall are coming! The Wackemall are coming!" 

It is said that even though Massachusetts was at the extreme limits of how far Wackemall could be shipped without spoilage in Colonial times, Paul Revere had one of the lowest loss rates of any Wackemall distributor in his time.

Please continue reading  History Of Wackemall: Part 8, George W Bush.

Aug 25, 2015

Not Your Average Day

"So," she said, "I've been thinking. You need to get your wackemall over here so we can talk."

What the wackemall, I thought to myself, every time some woman says we need to talk I'm about to get wackemalled. "What now?" I asked.

"Not on the phone," she said, "face to face."

This can't be good, I thought as I started my car and started driving to her apartment. Is she going to stick it in my wackemall and break it off? Is she pregnant? Has she been screwing around behind my back? What was so important she couldn't tell me on the phone?

Everything seemed normal as I pulled up in front of her apartment. Her lights were on and since I knew she was already expecting me I used the key she had given me to unlock the door, Probably be the last time I use this key, and walked inside, "Suprise!" the crowd shouted!

"What the wackemall?" I exclaimed!

I had forgotten it was my birthday.

Aug 24, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 6, Muhammad Ali

Born Cassius Marcellus Clay Jr, Muhammad Ali was as famous for the things he sometimes said as he was for his three world championships.

Much has been made of the infamous Rumble In The Jungle fight between Muhammad Ali and George Foreman in 1974 but few have ever mentioned what actually took place there.

Just before Ali dropped an exhausted George Foreman with a combination punch in the 8th round those sitting closest to the ring reported heating him shout, "True success is reaching our potential without compromising our Wackemall."

Foreman failed to make the count and amid the pandemonium and against all odds, Muhammad Ali regained the world heavyweight boxing title by knockout.

Please continue reading History Of Wackemall: Part 7, Paul Revere, or not, it's your call.

Aug 23, 2015

A Mystery Uncovered

The Hunt For The Wackemall Man
We set out on out journey
to find the Wackemall Man
high in the Wackemall Mountains,
a range so old and grand.

For weeks on end we traveled
afoot and paddled far
up streams and icy rivers
where the only lights were stars.

We climbed Mt Wacked and Mt Wackemall
through thickets dense as brick,
hacked our way through forests,
swam the torrent Wackemall Crick.
Was here the Wackemall tribes once lived--
a people few have known
who never ventured from these hills
they made their mountain home. 

'Twas high up on the mountain
we found Loch Wackemall there,
its magic waters curing all
who dared to jump in bare.

It was there we found the Wackemall man
though we'd known him all along,
for those who swim Loch Wackemall
will wackemall from now own.

Aug 21, 2015

Sandwiches Block City Streets

Greensboro, NC-- Passers by in Downtown Greensboro were amazed today when a mysterious stranger began giving away thousands of free sandwiches to anyone who wanted to give one a try.

Greensboro Police had to redirect traffic on Elm and Market streets as hundreds of people gathered around the truckload of fresh bread loaded with a substance known only as Wackemall.

Police broke up fights as people refused to wait in line for seconds. When asked what a Wackemall sandwich tastes like Greensboro Mayoral candidates Sal Leone and Devin King both answered, "Mum, mum, mum, leave us alone, we're eating!"

Greensboro Mayor Nancy Vaughan replied, "A sandwich without Wackemall isn't."

Calls to her office for a better explanation as to what Mayor Vaughan meant went unanswered.

Stay tuned for the latest from WNN, Wackemall Network News.

History Of Wackemall: Part 5, “There’s Wackemall In Them Thar Hills"

“There’s wackemall in them thar hills” and “there’s millions in it." Those are the lines attributed to self taught geology and mineral expert, Dr. Matthew Fleming Stephenson who criticized those miners rushing to California in 1849 and insisted there remained more gold in Georgia than in California.

Upon hearing the quote, the writer Mark Twain used the quote in one of his books and attributed it to his character,  Mulberry Seller substituting the word "gold" for "wackemall."

While it's not known if Dr Stephenson, the assayer for the Dahlonega Mint in Dahlonega, Georgia, ever traveled to California it turns out that wackemall was discovered near Sutter's Mill in 1850 and continues to be mined there today making that mine the second largest wackemall mine in the world.

The largest wackemall mine in the world is located in North Carolina.

Stay tuned for the History of Wackemall: Part 6,  Muhammad Ali, "Float like a butterfly, sting like a Wackemall."

Nah, just kidding, he never said that.

Aug 15, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 4, Thomas Jefferson

The  History of Wackemall is replete with instances where scientists and historians simply cannot be sure if what they believe is real or not. Take for instance this quote attributed to none other than one of America's founding fathers:

"The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time by the blood of Wackemall. it is it’s natural manure" Thomas Jefferson in his August 29, 1787 Paris letter to William Stephens Smith.

The following day Mr Jefferson wrote a second letter to Mr Smith in which he wrote:  "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time by the blood of patriots and tyrants. it is it’s natural manure"

Historians have long speculated why the supposed correction. Many blame it on the strong Parisian Champagnes of the day. Others attribute it to Mr Jefferson's conversion from Christianity to Deism. We may never know.

Come back next time when we feature  History Of Wackemall: Part 5, “There’s Wackemall In Them Thar Hills"

Aug 14, 2015

Dirty Girl

"Let's wackemall," she whispered. I could tell by that look in her eyes she was really in the mood.

"Right here?" I asked, "Right now... all these people?"

"All these people," she smiled. "I want to wackemall all of them now." Her sense of urgency could not be mistaken.

And so it was, in front of God, the cops and everyone we wackemalled every single one of them until we two were the only ones left standing and no one, not even the cops, dared to say a word about it.

"Damn," she smiled licking her lips, "that was the best wackemall I ever had."

I didn't say a word but looking back it wasn't bad for me either.

Aug 12, 2015

History of Wackemall: Part 3, Albert Einstein

It was none other than the capitalist scientist and inventor Albert C Einstein who was once heard to opine, "I fear the day that Wackemall will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots."

Many knew Einstein to be well ahead of his time even then but most-- even the brightest and most accomplished scientists of the day-- had no clue as to what he was talking about so like much of the history of Wackemall all was lost to the ages.

Until now...

Learn more when we continue with the  History Of Wackemall: Part 4, Thomas Jefferson.

History Of Wackemall: Part 2, H. L. Mencken

Hervey Lloyd Mencken was an established chiropractor and osteopath living in Baltimore, Maryland when rumors began floating that he was writing satire criticizing US involvement in World War 2 and popular American culture. In an effort to fight back and save his established medical practice from an eventual public backlash H. L. Mencken wrote, "The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to Wackemall, without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos."

Soon thereafter he moved his practice to Montana.

Stay tuned for the History of Wackemall: Part 3, Albert Einstein.

Aug 11, 2015

History Of Wackemall: Part 1 Aristotle

While poet, author and inventor Billy Jones claims to have discovered Wackemall in the late 20th century, history is full of examples that suggest great men of the past already knew of the existence of Wackemall even if it wasn't widely known.

Take for example Aristotle Onasis, a Greek philosopher and scientist born in the Macedonian city of Stagira, Chalkidice, on the northern edges of ancient Greece.

Shortly before his death in 321 BC, Aristotle was heard to say,

"There is no great genius without a mixture of wackemall."

Historians have pondered the meaning for centuries, some claiming it to be the deathbed ramblings of a dying old man and others certain he was of clear mind right up until the end.

Other quotes attributed to Aristotle Onasis which seem to support the clear mind hypothesis include:

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without wackemall.
"The secret to humor is wackemall."
"The whole is more than the sum of its wackemall."

Did Billy Jones discover Wackemall as he claims, or is he simply one of many, the latest in a long line of unusual thinkers to wackemall where no one else dares? Tune in next time when we discuss H. L. Mencken and his thoughts on Wackemall in History Of Wackemall: Part 2, H. L. Mencken.

Exotic Flower

Wackemall Rose

'Twas deep in the jungles
where men dare not go
I traveled to see 
the Wackemall Rose,
a flower so rare
only one before me
has happened upon,
much less climbed the tree.

'Twas months in the bush
a whacking my way
past vermin and serpent
by night and by day,
'til I came to the tree
and up I arose
to take upon its fragrance...

A bee stung my nose!

Aug 7, 2015

It's Not For Sale

"It's a what?" he asked.

I could tell he was confused. "A Wackemall," I answered.

"You mean a Waccamaw, like the river?" he asked. I could tell he was from the Carolinas, north or south, the Waccamaw River, Lake Waccamaw and Waccamaw Pottery are all well known throughout the Carolinas as homes to some of the rarest species and artifacts in the world.

"No, not Waccamaw," I replied, "Wackemall like whack them all, wackemall."

"So what does it do? he asked.

"Everything the name implies," I answered, "and everything it doesn't."

Oh he'd buy one but not today. I'll make him wait until he can't stand waiting any longer. Until then it's not for sale.

Aug 4, 2015

And Pthhp! He Was Gone!

"I didn't mean to wackemall. It just sorta happened. I was just standing there minding my own business when they started flying all around me getting in my face and stuff. It was like they came out of nowhere and before I knew it there were dozens of them swarming all over me.

How was I to know they were harmless-- I was scared. I just reacted, Wackemall and pthhp! They was gone!"

"That's okay, Sir. Now if you'll just sit down in the back seat of the car we'll take you to see someone who can bring them all back. Don't bump your head."