Nov 15, 2018

Drone Attack: Finale

Continued from Drone Attack

He was transported to the nearest emergency room, treated, placed in a full body cast, and moved to long term care while he awaited trial on charges of domestic terrorism, and possession and manufacture of a weapon of mass destruction. Luckily no one had been killed but one of the FBI agents was wounded, two of his neighbors wounded, and hundreds of his homemade rounds found their way into neighbors' homes, cars, and property-- some as many as 3 miles away.

The lawsuits and damages would destroy his wife's inheritance.

Dronalist flew their annoying little machines everywhere they took him. Outside his hospital room window, to court with him, even to the airport when he was sent back to Guantánamo to do his time. Only when he got to Cuba was he free from the infernal machines.

Decades later he looked out of the window of his cell at Guantánamo only to discover first one then more and more drones hovering outside his cell window. "Guards! Guards!," he began to shout. "Help me, help me now!"

"What's wrong?" a guard shouted as he ran to his cell.

"That!" he shouted, pointing towards the window. "Drones!"

"Oh that," the guard smiled. "Haven't you heard? You're getting out tomorrow, they're here to carry you home."

Drone Attack: Part 9

Continued from Drone Attack

His home had been damaged, cat killed, dog driven mad. There'd been crop circles, obscenities painted on his house, and he and his wife had been branded child molesters. He'd been to jail and been shipped off to Guantánamo. Thanks to the YouTube videos his story had gone viral. Now, despite public appeals by law enforcement not to do so, dozens upon dozens of seedy Dronalist all seeking to get the next big story were buzzing around his house day and night. That included several very hard to detect drones painted black for invisibility at night and sky blue for invisibility in the daytime.

But which one was the drone that had been tormenting him for so long? He decided it didn't matter. "Kill 'em all!" he shouted an old cliché, "Let God sort 'em out!"

And with that he opened fire with his homemade Gatling Gun from the 3rd story of his home!

A few drones went down quickly. Others began to take evasive action. One, presumably the one he was after, fired a smoke bomb into his window only to anger him more. He began firing wildly in every direction shooting out windows and walls as millions of YouTube viewers around the world watched live on at least 100 different channels. And he continued to fire thousands of rounds the electric motors that powered his gun never letting up until finally he had shot so much that the roof fell down on top of him.

Continue reading Drone Attack: Finale

Drone Attack: Part 8

Continued from Drone Attack

His wife used her vast wealth to get him released from  Guantánamo and brought back to the United States where he would receive outpatient therapy and remain under the constant watch of Homeland Security and the FBI who always kept agents parked in front of his house.

Of course that didn't stop the drone from flying around the back of the house never to be seen by the FBI.

To the delight of the homeowners association, all his surveillance equipment, the radar installation, and the 30' diameter satellite dish were removed by government personnel. As the 3rd floor of his home was now empty he started ordering furniture and other items online-- much of it made from metal. Months later he took his wife upstairs to see his very own homemade electric powered Gatling gun. "This will shoot those drones out of the sky," he said, "from right here inside the safety of our own home."

To learn what came of this continue reading Drone Attack: Part 9

Nov 14, 2018

Drone Attack: Part 7

Continued from Drone Attack

Now that he had finally discovered that the attacks were being carried out by someone using silent black drones attacking by dark of night it became possible for him to figure out an actual plan of defenses. And while he waited for his wife to return to the country and bail him out of jail he did just that.

Using money left to her by her rich daddy he bought search lights, anti-aircraft guns, and installed a military surplus radar installation on their property.

The first night he turned on the radar, agents from Homeland Security, BATF, and the FBI raided his home and property, and carried him to a Federal Detention Center somewhere in Cuba.

As they drove away from his home, him in handcuffs in the back seat of a black SUV, he turned around to see a black drone following close behind. The entire ordeal had been transmitted live on YouTube.

Stay tuned to Drone Attack: Part 8

Drone Attack: Part 6

Continued from Drone Attack

 No job, no social life, there was nothing left for him to do but protect his wife, seek out whoever it was who was responsible for these attacks, find out how they were being perpetrated, and put an end to it once and for all. While his wife was staying at their vacation home in the Caribbean, afraid to show her face in public, he planned to seek out and destroy their enemy by whatever means necessary.

Or so he thought.

He installed an extensive system of alarms and hidden cameras all over their property incorporating the latest technology. Even satellite technology was employed. Financed by the sale of many of their stocks and bonds, what had previous been their secret orgy room was converted to a surveillance room allowing him to track the entire neighborhood. Despite multiple threats from the homeowners association he refused to remove the 30' diameter satellite receiver from his front yard.

Now even the local perverts thought him weird and stayed far away from him.

The rumors went wild. People were even saying he had weapons of mass destruction-- perhaps homemade nuclear bombs-- inside his garage as the few he spoke with talked of him having terrorist ramblings and suffering from wild paranoia.

Weeks went by. Then months. He dangerously suffered from lack of sleep. Weird things would happen, like dog poop falling from the sky in the middle of the night and covering his yard. The homeowners association was irate. The mailman would no longer get near his mailbox and simply tossed his mail into his yard as he rode past without stopping, his mail scattering about like litter.

The rumors got even wilder.

One night as his wife lay sleeping she was awaken by a telephone call from home. It was their attorney. Her husband had been arrested. The police said they found him running wildly around his yard firing his shotgun into the air at something none of them could see. When they finally managed to arrest him the only thing he would say was, "Dammit, I missed!"

"I'll be on the next flight home," she said.

Please continue reading Drone Attack: Part 7

Drone Attack: Part 5

Continued from Drone Attack

They were considered pillars of their community. Both had been voted best leaders under 40. They were highly educated, liked by everyone, on all the right boards, popular in all the right circles, known for their huge contributions to popular charities. They were, by all measures a successful couple with but one problem. They couldn't produce offspring of their own.

So after a long and grueling process with the most renown adoption agencies in the country they managed to make arrangements to adopt newborn twins-- a boy and a girl-- to start a family of their own. But as fate would have it, on the day before the babies were to arrive videos of the happy couple having orgies with underage prostitutes appeared on porn websites around the world and the police decided to investigate.

It was discovered the videos had been filmed from just outside the window of a room they had specially equipped just for the sort of orgies seen in the videos, on the 3rd floor of their home. Warrants were issued and served.

There would be no adoptions.

There would be no more invitations to parties with the right people.

They were removed from the boards, social outcasts... And they knew neither who, how, or what his motive was.

Please continue reading Drone Attack: Part 6.

Memory Cancelling Headphones

Greensboro, NC. As journalism continues to decay around the world behold the latest product endorsement disguised as Wackemall Network News:

The newest from the makers of Barridogs:

What's that? You had too much to drink last night and that 10 you picked up at the bar turned out to be a 2 this morning, and you wish you could just forget the whole night ever happened? Lots of girls have been there, guys too. But thanks to Wackemall Products it doesn't have to scar you for the rest of your life.

That's right, the guys in the white coats at the Wackemall Labs have done it again. When they learned that Greensboro's John Mincello was wishing for someone to invent Memory Cancelling Headphones they went right to work, kicked the entire Wackemall R&D Department into high gear and got it done.

With their hands tied behind their backs the guys in the white coats managed to come up with the world's first Numismatic powered Memory Cancelling Headphones. Just insert 2 new CO2 cartridges into each headphone, place the headphones on your head, lie down, and push the button on the wireless remote control.

You'll be out like a light!

And you'll remember nothing-- guaranteed.

The concept is simple. Inside the Memory Cancelling Headphones are diaphragms that are pushed very rapidly towards your ears and the sides of your head by the pressure contained in the 4 CO2 cartridge, but the  diaphragms never actually make contact with any part of your body.

All you get hit with is a tiny wall of highly compressed and rapidly moving air-- the same air you breath-- sending shock waves deep inside your brain and removing all recent memories.

Our Wackemall Memory Cancelling Headphones are guaranteed to make you forget at least 5 days of your life-- sometimes more. No one else will make you that promise.

We accept cash, debit cards, and all major credit cards. Sorry, we cannot accept WackemCard at this time.

Possible side effects include loss of hearing, ruptured ear drums, bleeding from the ears bruising of the ears and sides of the head, headache, and possible hair loss. Do not use Wackemall Memory Cancelling Headphones if breaking of the skull occurs. Wackemall Memory Cancelling Headphones are not intended for children under 5 years old or the elderly.

As always, there is fine print:

Wackemcard, Wackemall Products, and Wackemall are all trademarks of Wackemall Industries, Inc. Any unauthorized use of our trademarks will be dwelt with by Bruno and his boys, AKA: Wackemall Security.

Wackemall Products is not responsible for damages resulting from unauthorized uses of any Wackemall Product. Please read the owner’s or user’s guides that come with your Wackemall purchase.