Apr 19, 2019

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 8

Continued from Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1

"This all seems absurd," President Jane Watson complained. "Scientists have been telling us for years that gods are something people just dreamed up and now scientists are saying we're supposed to believe in this Baby God. You've got to be kidding me."

"But gods are something people dream up," Doctor Roberts explained, "but just because they're dreamed up doesn't mean they're not real. Some dreams are made manifest by those who dream them. Other dreams are made manifest by those who follow. When it comes to making a god we have to have both the dreamers and the followers."

"But what happened to the last god?" the President asked.

"Humanity made God something he isn't," the Professor answered.

"We can do that?" the President asked.

"Sure," Dr Roberts replied, "if we can dream a god into existence then how hard must it be to change a god? All it takes is enough people expecting God to be someone or something else and given enough time God transforms just as humanity expected him to."

"And we can't change him back?" the President asked.

"Not after a new god has assumed power," Roberts explained.

"Of all the times to become the first woman President of the United States and the whole universe goes to hell," the President shouted. "Could it get any worse?"

Suddenly the entire White House started shaking. Seconds later President Jane Watson looked out her window in the Oval Office to see the Great Sphinx, and the City of Giza in Egypt. "Guess I shouldn't have asked," she said.

"It's even worse," General Iverson added. "NASA is reporting that Jupiter and Venus have switched their orbits. We can expect giant tidal waves and other anomalies when Jupiter passes closest in its new orbit."

To be continued....

Apr 18, 2019

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 7

Continued from Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1

"To put it in the most simple of terms," Doctor Roberts explained, "gods only exist when enough people believe in them and the universe only exists in the minds of gods."

"Go ahead," the President instructed, her skepticism still obvious.

"Many years ago," the Doctor continued, "most people believed in lots of different gods, Polytheism..." He paused. "but when Monotheism became the norm those other gods retired."

"You mean they didn't die?" the President asked.

"Oh no," Doctor Roberts explained, "once a god reaches maturity and enough people believe in a god that god will never die."

"So," the President asked, "you're saying our God has retired to eternity and left us with this Baby God? Does that about sum it up?"

"Yes Ma'am," the Professor replied, "that's exactly what happened."

"So what's the problem?" President Jane Watson asked, still not sure if she should believe him.

"The problem," Dr Roberts replied, "is that too few people believe in Baby God for him to grow into maturity. Baby gods need to be nurtured, loved, and cared for just like other babies and our Baby God isn't getting enough care."

Please continue reading Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 8

Apr 17, 2019


I came home from work one day to discover a lump in my couch where no lump had been before. I raised the cushion to find a pocket calculator, an earring, several cheap rings, a watch without a band, some ink pens, polished rocks, a bottle cap, and other odds and ends.

And none of them were mine.

Then I noticed a newly chewed hole in the back of my couch.

The mouse or pack rat brought me all sorts of gifts for months leaving me to wonder, is he taking stuff from me and what is he taking?

Is That Your Porsche In The Parking Lot?

I was having a few beers in a bar on US 29 just north of Greensboro, North Carolina some years back when this drunk stumbled in the front door and started asking everyone inside, "Is that your Porsche in the parking lot? I ran into somebody's Porsche and I need to tell them I hit it."

Well at least he's honest, I thought as I replied, "Are you sure it's a Porsche? Ain't nobody here can afford a Porsche."

"Yea it's a Porsche," he said as he went on to ask the next guy, "Don't you think I know what a Porsche is?"

Finally, after he had annoyed everyone in the bar to no end, several people walked outside to see what the drunk was talking about. Seems he had driven his car into the front porch of the bar.

Apr 16, 2019

The End To Another Perfect Day

"Wow, that looks like fun," she shouts as hundreds of maple helicopters rain down on her but as soon as she takes a bite she spits it out shouting, "Yuck, that's no good!" And being the seeds then just lie on the ground doing nothing she quickly loses interest.

A boy rides down the street on a red bicycle, a huge smile on his face. That looks very dangerous, she thinks, I'd best not get too close to him and his machine.

A small bird lights on a limb nearby. This could be fun. She's excited. But as soon as the bird spots her it flies away as quickly as it came, "I hate it when they do that," she complains.

Next a brightly colored butterfly comes bouncing through the air, a temptation too great to resist. She jumps high into the air grabbing the brightly colored insect in her mouth then spitting it out shouting, "Ow, that's the grossest thing yet! How come nobody ever told me?"

And with that she sat down, looked around and sighed, "Might as well go roll around in the catnip. The end to another perfect day."

Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 6

Continued from Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 1

"So Doctor Roberts," President Jane Watson asked, seated across a table from him, "you're telling us that this Baby God is causing all these supernatural disasters to take place all over the world?"

"Wow, is this free range coffee?" Doctor Roberts asked. "They wouldn't let us have real coffee inside the luny bin at Georgetown. What brand is it?"

"I'll get someone from my staff to find out before you leave," the President answered lifting a silver cover from a bowl between them. "Perhaps you'd enjoy some of these fair trade eggs while you explain how Baby God is causing all this."

"Is that jelly MSG free?" Doctor Roberts asked. "I'm sure Baby God wouldn't want us eating jelly with MSG in it."

"I'm sure it is," the President answered. "Now about what is going on?"

"Well," Dr Roberts explained between bites, "being only two years old and far from mature, Baby God is still developing mentally and emotionally. He has all the knowledge of the universe, all the knowledge of time and space, but he's having a hard time keeping it all organized."

"How do you know this Baby God is a boy?"President Jane Watson asked, seemingly upset with what she was hearing.

"Oh that's easy," Dr Roberts explained, "girls are much better organized."

"So how is it," the President asked, still unsure of the Doctor's sanity, "that this new god came to exist? Don't gods live forever?"

Please continue reading Universe In A Baby's Brain: Part 7

Apr 15, 2019

A Murder Of Crows

At least I think they were crows. They were big and night have been ravens, I'm never sure.

Anyway, this afternoon when I finally got my brother's lawnmower running and started mowing my front yard for the first time this year (Yes, it's April 15 and the weeds were knee high, the mowers were all broken.) I noticed a murder of crows beginning to alight on a telephone wire across the street.

For those who might not know, a flock of crows is correctly called a murder of crows. It goes back to the Middle Ages, somewhere in England and even the English admit it makes no sense.

Now a lot of people get superstitious about groups of crows and ravens but I'm not one of them. I enjoy watching them and see them for what they are-- very intelligent birds. I often watch as they take pecans from my tree, drop them in the street, then return to eat them after the cars have crushed the shells beneath the tires. Just the other day I chased away two smaller birds who were harassing a crow that was perched upon my windmill. After doing so he flew to within a few feet of me and squawked  at me while I talked to him as if we were the best of friends. He flew away but then came back a few minutes later and we repeated the conversation, me talking and him squawking.

But I'm getting away from what happened today.

Like I said, lot of people get superstitious about crows but I figured they were just lining up waiting for me to leave so they could then more easily search my yard for things to eat. I've seen birds do that, you know.

When I finished mowing the front yard I shut the mower down and started pushing it to the back yard but just as I turned the corner someone shouted, "Hey you!"

I turned around and didn't see anyone so I again started towards the back. "Hey you with the lawnmower!" someone shouted as I turned to see no one but the crows on the wire across the street. "Yea you," one of the crows shouted. "Come here, I need to talk to you."

Now folks, it isn't every day that a crow talks to you in a language you can understand, and while a few crows have been trained to talk it's not like you see them out in the wild. If that crow wanted to talk with me I was going to hear him out. Just as I walked up to him he asked, "How far?"

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"How far?" he asked again. "How far would you have been if I hadn't called you back over here?"

And with that the entire murder of crows started laughing so hard they started falling from the wire. As the laughter died down and they started flying away I heard one of them shout, "He was the best one yet! I get the next one."

"But it's my turn!" another of the crows shouted as they all flew away.

Don't murder those crows, folks. They're just having a little fun with their new found talents. Who knows what they'll come up with next.