Jun 27, 2017

Blackhawk Rising

One of my bros and were riding out to the clubhouse one night in his car as we were on beer duty that night and couldn't fit all the beer on our bikes. As was usually the case back then, we were stoned as hell. We came up behind an ancient pick-up truck with so much smoke blowing out the back that it was choking us to death.

We stayed behind the rolling oil slick for a mile or more and finally Freddy had all he could take and passes it on a double yellow line. Out of nowhere came the highway patrol dead on our ass.

Freddy had a beautiful .357 Ruger Blackhawk revolver in a holster on his side, open carry, perfectly legal. But as he was stoned he flipped out, panicked, handed me the gun and told me to hide it.

I tried to convince him to put it back in the holster but he insisted so I chunked it under the passenger seat as he pulled over. "How can I help you?" Freddy asked as the officer walked up to the car.

"Well the first thing you can do," the officer said as he drew his own revolver, "is tell me where the gun is that goes in that holster?"

"I gave it to him," Freddy said.

Now wanting to be cooperative, with a great big grin on my face and obviously every bit as stoned as Freddy, I said, "I'll get it for you." and I reached under the seat. It was at that moment I discovered there was a second cop with his pistol pushed against the side of my head. "Ah, maybe you'd rather get it for yourself," I said as I carefully raised both my hands.

The officers had us both get out of the car and moved us to opposite ends of the car. "I'm going to search you," the officer told me. "Am I going to find any drugs or weapons?"

"I've got a bag of pot in my boot," I told him.

"No weapons?" he asked.

"Just a Buck Knife," I answered.

He searched me, found the pot in my boot and my Buck Knife. And then found a joint in my shirt pocket." You didn't tell me about the joint."

"I forgot," I said.

"Are you high now?" he asked.

"I was really high when you stopped us," I answered.

"Amazing how quick you straighten up when things go wrong," he said.

"Yeah," I said, "Kinda takes all the fun out of it.

They directed me to remain standing where I was and put Freddy in the back of the highway patrol car where the three of them sat and talked for a while. I have no idea what they talked about but eventually they called me over to the car and had Freddy give me his car keys, wallet and all his money.

They gave me back my Buck Knife and told me to drive Freddy's car and follow them to the jail in the hopes that in-between the two of us, we had enough money to pay his bail.

Damn those guys drive fast. They almost lost me a couple of times.

When I got to the magistrate's office I witnessed something I would have never thought I would see. The highway patrol officers, city police officers and sheriff's deputies were all raving over Freddy's Ruger Blackhawk Revolver. So much so that the magistrate decided to auction the revolver off to the highest bidder. I stood right there in the office as the auction took place until finally one of the officers carried it outside.

Then the magistrate set bail so low I was amazed I had enough cash to bail Freddy out without a bondsman.

Of course, Freddy hired an attorney to represent him in court and as the only thing they had charged him with was concealing a weapon his lawyer demanded the DA produce the weapon as proof. But as the Blackhawk had already gone home with some law enforcement officer there was no weapon to produce.

The charges were dropped.

But almost 50 years later Freddy still wants his Blackhawk back.

Two Eagles Talking

"You know what I learned about humans today?"

"No what?"

"They eat things they hate to eat."

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

"Why that's just crazy."

"You know what else?"

"No, tell me."

"They eat things they know are bad for them. They mix all the yucky, bad stuff together and call it processed foods."

"I don't get it. Why would humans do that?"

"I think it's because humans are the ones with the tiny brains."

"I think you might be on to something."

"Well at least I'm not on what humans are on."

"You can say that again."

Get the worst of Two Eagles Talking right here at Wackemall.com. I mean, it's cheaper than therapy and no one is going to see you walking into the therapist's office.

Photo credit: Eagle Totem, 'cause I had to steal a picture from somewhere.

Jun 25, 2017

Things I Found On The Web Today: Part 22

I learned how to manage gout,
saw celebrities nude and topless
and learned there are no bilboards in space... yet.

I learned how to access the Dark Web,
the Deep Web,
and things you should never buy at Costco.

Amazingly, of 10 rules, the third rule of writing
Numbers and Numerals is there are no rules.
Who writes rules like that-- Mathmaticans or English Majors?

startpage claims to be
the world's most private search engine.
But it looks like Google to me.

I learned how to draw the impossible triangle illusion
and that robots must be rewarded
to train them not to be awkward.

Wow, gout, nudity, things you should never buy at Costco
and triangles all in the same boring poem?
That was awkward...

You'd love to know what I left out.

Girls Ruin Everything

My Daddy had a great fig tree growing in the back yard where I live now. But when he caught his only granddaughter climbing the fig tree did he bust her butt like he did all the little boys who climbed the tree? Noooooo, he sawed down the fig tree.

Like I said, girls ruin everything.

Jun 23, 2017

No Parking This Block

This parking meter poem has been made possible by literate parking meters who willingly submit their poetry to Parking Meter Poetry and by feet, the 50 mile per gallon alternative to parking meters.

Parking Meter's Day Off

"No parking, no parking,
there's a bag on my head
with lots of white letters
all shiny and red.
There's a bag on my head,
I'm trying to sleep?
And don't blow your horn
not even a beep.."

What? You were expecting some deep meaning? From a parking meter?

Jun 22, 2017

History Of Wackemall: Part 66, Magen Eller

Perhaps you've never read this wondrous quote by Greensboro, North Carolina resident Magen Eller, one who desired to live boldly and did so.

"I'll never cease to ponder the why and what of who I am. If I'm insane, so what? I'm happy. Are you?"

Megan was born in the town of Castalia, North Carolina (pop 268) before making her way to Asheboro and later to Greensboro where she set about to change the world by never asking to do the right thing.

But was this really what Megan first wrote?

As it turns out, researchers from Wackemall University located in Ramseur, North Carolina, just a few miles from where Magen once lived in Asheboro, recently discovered a scrap of paper on a dig in the local landfill that read:

"I'll never cease to ponder the why and what of who I am. If I'm wackemall, so what? I'm happy. Are you?"

It was signed, M Eller.

The guys in the white coats are currently carbon dating the paper to determine its age and requesting handwriting samples from Ms Eller's family.

The History Of Wackemall is filled with references to great men and great women who have wackemalled throughout the ages-- some you've known and some you might not have known. And while much remains sketchy the folks at Wackemall University encourage you to follow along as they continue to uncover more great history brought to you by Wackemall Media, Mining, Manufacturing, Farming & Transportation... Wackemall.com

Tyrannicides Wanted?

Found on Craigslist. Click on the image to view full-size.

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