Oct 7, 2019

One Bag of Potatoes

I once picked up a tractor-trailer load of true Idaho potatoes in Boise and hauled them to Dallas, Texas. When I got to my destination we learned that the shipper had loaded 200 extra pounds (in one giant sack) and the customer refused to accept any extra.

So rather than throw them away I decided to keep them and take them home to North Carolina. Only problem was my dispatcher had me pick up a sealed trailer going to Los Angeles.

Now as I was not allowed to open a sealed trailer I had to put those lovely Idaho potatoes in the cab of my truck. Now if you have never carried a 200 pound sack of potatoes you just don't know what you are missing. Nor do you want to know.

To make matters worse that giant sack of potatoes had to go on my bunk as they blocked my view of my right mirror if I put them in the cab. And it would be 5 more weeks before I finally made it home.

Night after night I moved those potatoes from the bunk to the cab so that I would have a place to sleep. And some nights when I was really tired I slept on top of those true Idaho potatoes.

Made them all the better when I finally got to eat some of them

Oct 3, 2019

Not My Nut, You Won't!

I was on my way to the local auto parts store to pick up some 1156 bulbs to put in the turn signals of an old motorcycle I've been building when I noticed a skinny gray squirrel burying a pecan under one of the hundred year old oak trees in my front yard. As I'm retired and never in any hurry I decided just to watch.

Quickly he dug with his tiny front feet while holding the pecan-- no doubt from the pecan tree in my back yard-- in his mouth. Then he dropped the nut in the hole and pushed the dirt back over the top of it being sure to tamp it down with his tiny feet. Then, just for good measure he pushed two oak leaves over the top of it, one with each tiny paw.

It was then he looked up and saw me watching him. "I'm going to steal you nut." I said.

He quickly dug up his nut and ran away with it!

You reckon he understood what I said?

Sep 23, 2019

Anyone Can Be A Bass Player

Was trying out a bass player for a band once. Said his name was Rusty Saw. He showed up not with a bass but with a beat up old 6 string acoustic guitar missing strings and a vocal mic rolling around inside for a pick-up. Every time he moved the mic rolled around producing a loud knocking sound amplified through the system.

So we found him a real bass and he could almost play. Hired him anyway as bass players are hard to find and we were desperate.

He missed every gig. Every rehearsal.

Sep 15, 2019

Another Beer Please

A neighbor's house caught fire one night a few years ago. Several of us, myself included, tried to go inside to rescue him but the fire was just too big, we couldn't go in. We were running all around the house shouting his name when finally we found him drunk, standing in the crowd watching his house burn to the ground.

He had put french fries in the deep fryer and forgot about them when he went out to get more beer.

Said it was the worst fire he had ever seen.

Sep 12, 2019

Why Help First?

Counseling before helping is simply jumping through hoops. They're people, not circus animals.

What's Next?

Years ago I published a fictional story on a now defunct online magazine about imported televisions that had bombs inside of them and how I had narrowly escaped death when one blew up in my home.

People were outraged! The numbers were staggering. The comments were all nasty. People hated me for bringing up the idea they might be buying dangerous products and bringing them into their homes.

Wannabe literary critics called my story far fetched and said there was no such way that thousands of exploding TVs would ever get through US Customs.

These days people buy electronics that come with built-in spy ware and computer viruses capable of doing who knows what.

Who knows what they'll come up with next?

Sep 8, 2019

Slander By The Fittest

In a world ruled by propaganda, slander has become the weapon most wielded by the winners.