Dec 16, 2017

Fighting Obesity One Fry At A Time

Wackemall Network News journalist, Burger N Fries is reporting that people everywhere are rising up, demanding an end to the Happy Meal as childhood obesity rates continue to increase in first world countries.

Goodbye Happy Meal

The people cried,
steer clear our kids,
stop stealing them away.
Wendy screamed defiantly,
"It's something I never did!"
Ronald pointed nervously,
"The King, he made me do it!
It cannot my fault!"
But his subjects knew
the false and true,
and all would be for naught.

Will the people rise up and bring an end to the bloody, grease laden Fast Food War? Tune in next time when we hear Roy Rogers sing, "Happy Meals to you until we meet again..."

Dec 15, 2017

Bisexual Prostitutes Line Downtown City Streets

Greensboro, NC-- As if gangs, drugs and a blind city council oblivious to all that is wrong with our "fair" city weren't enough problems we now have long lines of bisexual prostitutes greeting all who visit downtown businesses no matter what their age, eight to eighty, blind, crippled or crazy. Is there no end to how far our city will fall?

Red Light Parking Meter

"Don't call me a hooker when you're parked at my feet.
I'll slap you so silly you'll run down the street.
I'll keep you in bondage, my boot on your wheel,
and before it's all over, my name you will squeal!

Now put it in my slot and shut up!"

What evil lurks in the hearts of parking meters? The city knows.

Dec 14, 2017

Merry Christmas, Chester Lott

Chester Lott waited his turn in line at the red dot store and finally when he got to the counter the old man behind the counter asked him for his ID. "I been buying a pint of whiskey in here almost every day for 5 years," Chester complained, "and still you ask me for my ID."

"Law says you supposed to show ID," the old man replied. "Besides, I don't know you."

"Of course you know me," Chester argued, "my name's Chester Lott, says so right there on my ID. Don't you remember? You look at it every day."

"I remember the names of women I plan to fuck," the old man said as he pulled his .44 revolver from under the counter, "and men I need to kill. Do I need to kill you?"

"No Sir," Chester said as he paid for his bottle. "You have a Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you too," said the old man as he looked at the ID, "Chester Lott."

Chester, like so many, was one of the forgotten people. Homeless, he'd walked from Michigan to South Carolina years before to escape the bitter winters. South Carolina wasn't the best place to be homeless but it beat Michigan.

He understood his history of alcohol and drug abuse was the reason his life was what it was. There was no blaming it on war as he'd never been in the military. And while Chester had blamed others in his youth he now realized his problems were of his own making. Still, it bothered him that the old man at the liquor store, like some many other people, treated him as if he were invisible until he complained. Then they became threatening just as the old man had done.

There was no one for Chester to go home to. His parents had both passed away when he was a young man and as far as he knew he had no living relatives. Like every Christmas Eve for the last 2 decades or longer, Chester Lott would spend this Christmas alone.

Chester had never been a brave man and made every effort to remove himself from violent situations whenever he could. But when he saw a young thug holding an old woman at gun point demanding her money he thought, I might finally be remembered for something. Somebody gonna remember Chester Lott. He ran at the thug from behind, knocking him down and taking his gun away from him!

But Chester hadn't seen the second young thug standing in the darkness-- the one who fired 3 shots into Chester's heart before the two of them fled the scene.

When the police arrived they searched Chester's body looking for ID but never found any. Somewhere between the red dot store and the robbery, Chester had lost it. Chester had no arrest record so his finger prints were not in any data base. And efforts to identify the dead hero using DNA proved to be inconclusive.

Invisibility, the gift that was given to Chester Lott, was the last thing he ever wanted.

Dec 13, 2017

Definition of Overgrazing

Only the well-to-do move to greener pastures-- the poor just move to yet another over grazed field.


Fast Food Love Affairs Gone Wrong

Queen Of Hearts

The Dairy Queen was jilted,
her crown jewels laid to waste.
The Burger King had took it all
saying he wanted but a taste.
She's met him at a Dilly Bar,
her frozen heart, he'd melt.
When he filled her with his Buster Bar.
Her hand, it had been dealt.

'Twas when she learned of Wendy
and the wild nights they had known.
How Wendy did just what he liked
and licked his waffle cone.
With tear filled eyes she cursed him
and plotted her revenge;
she'd bind his hands with onion rings
dump him out at Dick's Drive-in.

Remember, all is fair in love and fast food wars. Tune in next time when we hear Ronald say, "Two all beef patties, special sauce, special sauce, special sauce, special..." Well, you know...

Dec 12, 2017

When The Need Arises

As is sometimes the case I got out of bed this morning and walked to the bathroom to exercise my need to sit on the throne. I don't know, maybe it was the refried beans I had for dinner last night but I had to go in a hurry.

Everything was coming out just fine when suddenly I realized my entire extended family, my friends, and many of their friends were all in the bathroom with me. And while I was seated on the throne with my underwear around my ankles, they were all seated around a huge dining table enjoying a meal.

I thought this to be especially odd as my bathroom is not unlike most American bathrooms built in the 1950s-- just big enough to contain the sink, tub, toilet, and a small linen cabinet. Even stranger was that none of my "guests" seemed to notice I was pooping in the same room where they were eating. As a matter of fact, it seemed as if they didn't know I was there. And I thought I'd like to keep it that way.

I decided I would very quietly pull up my underwear remaining seated for as long as possible, and then do my best to slip out of the room undetected, my manhood unexposed so that none of the ladies or children might become upset. But when I attempted to pull up my underwear I discovered my Haynes had shrunken to the point that I was unable to pull them beyond my knees.

I wasn't feeling good all under...

It was then I awoke from my dream feeling the overwhelming urge to rush to the bathroom to exercise my need to sit on the throne. I don't know, maybe it was the refried beans I had for dinner last night but I had to go in a hurry. But this time, when I closed the bathroom door behind me I did something I haven't thought to do in years.

I locked the bathroom door.

You Get What You Deserve

The End

A tattered alliance gathered about.
"Give us our freedom!" we all heard them shout.
They all stood behind a man brave and strong,
who they knew would not leave them, not do them wrong.
But off in the distance, a bird, it did sing
of wealth, and money, and shiny new things;
so off they all went to leave him to fight,
alone the battles, they feared in the night.

But the bird, they'd not capture, it flew far too fast.
Each time they drew near it would fly from their grasp.
They cried to their hero, "Come help catch this bird!"
But he only stared, not hearing a word.
When finally they caught it, no treasures it had.
Their hearts were all broken, lost and cold, they were sad.
They cried to their hero but he was long gone,
died in the battles left to fight alone.
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