Feb 17, 2018

Bread Ties, Part 5, Charged

Previously Unfinished

"You must know lots of shady people." she said.

"What are you talking about?" her husband asked.

"You've managed to put together this great big plot to gaslight me, to convince me I'm crazy, to drive me out of the house just so you want have to honor our agreement." she answered. "Only the lowest of the low would help a man do something like that. How much are you willing to spend before you give up because I'll see to it you spend every dime before I walk out those doors."

"Just as I would expect you do do." he said.

"So why are you doing it?" she asked.

"I'm not," he insisted.

"So you're saying this $900,000 Dollar power bill we got from the electric company is right?" she asked.

He stared in silence for a few moments before asking, "Did you really just say 900,000?

"I sure did," she said as she handed him the bill for the previous month's electric usage.

"For one month?" he asked as he took the bill from her hand.

"That's what it says."

"But they installed a new meter."

"They said there was nothing wrong with the old meter," she added.

"I'm calling an electrician," he said.

"Is this part of your plan too?" she angrily asked as he walked out of the room.

"It's part of my plan to lower our electric bill," he answered.

A couple of days later an electrician arrived early to start checking the house to determine the cause of the excessive electrical consumption. "I'll be honest," the electrician told her, "I have never seen a house that uses as much electricity as this house is using."

"What do you think it is?" she asked.

"I'll know by the time I'm finished," he answered.

"Could it be you're just part of the scam as well?" she asked.

"I beg your pardon?" he asked.

"Never mind," she smarted, "we'll all know sooner or later."

When her husband came home he asked, "Has the electrician told you anything? I see his van is still parked in the driveway."

"Really," she said, "I thought he left hours ago. I haven't heard a peep out of him since he went down into the basement this morning."

"I'll go find him," her husband said as he walked towards the basement stairs and she followed behind him. "Oh shit!" her husband exclaimed as he walked to the bottom of the stairs only to find the electrician lying dead on the floor covered in bread ties.

"Is he dead?" she asked.

"He's not breathing."

"I'll call 911," she said reaching for her phone.

Feb 16, 2018

Fast Food On Choppers?

Ronald McDonald Takes The Fall

Tasty Freeze was in the breeze,
he had to warn the King.
The fries were marching in protest
and they all refused to sing.
Around a curve, he lost his nerve
and his moped, it spun 'round
crashing through the drive-thru
and taking out the clown.


What's this, more obscure reporting from the Fast Food Wars? Or just another day at the motorcycle races? Stay tuned to Wackemall Network News for the latest updates.

Feb 15, 2018

Scantily Clad Parking Meters, Oh My!

Greensboro, NC-- Downtown Greensboro is abuzz this week with the latest in a long string of downtown controversies.

Look But Don't Touch

"You know you adore me," the meter replied.
"I can tell you are dying to see what I hide.
But just you forget it, I'll not give it up.
Just give me your money and think that enough."

Today's parking meter poem was made possible by the Greensboro Grasshoppers.


Feb 14, 2018

Bread Ties, Part 4, Busted

Previously Unfinished

"As far as I can tell you're perfectly sane," her therapist told her. "You're just under a lot of stress right now. Did you collect the bread ties like we planned?"

"I did," she answered.

"Great," the therapist said, "how many did you collect?"

"Thousands upon thousands," she answered.

"Did you bring them?" her therapist asked. "Are they in your car?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"When I went to get them the top was unscrewed from the jar," she explained. "and most of them were gone."

"Someone found them?" her therapist exclaimed.

"I guess," she replied, "most of them. But a few of them were forming a chain over the top on the jar and down the outside."

"You mean like they were helping each other escape?" her therapist asked.

"Like someone wanted to make it look like they were helping each other escape," she explained.

"Someone is sure going through a whole lot of trouble," her therapist added.

"My husband is going through a whole lot of trouble," she empathized.

"But how do you know it's him?" the therapist asked. "He wasn't even there when your whole house got covered up."

"No," she agreed, "but you can bet he paid someone to do it."

When she arrived home she noticed a black SUV parked across the street. As she got out of her and walked to the door car a man got out of the SUV, displayed a badge, and said, "Ma'am, I've got a warrant to search your home. Would you please put your hands on top of your head."

"Search my home," she questioned, "for what?" But before he could answer a half dozen SUVs and police cars came driving up to her home and into her driveway. "Let me call my husband," she demanded.

"You'll get your chance," the officer said. "But first give me your house keys and tell me your alarm code so my men don't have to bust your beautiful doors down."

"I will not," she shouted.

"Have at it, Boys," the officer shouted as several armored officers with a battering ram ran towards her door. "The lady wants us to do things the hard way."

"Wait, wait," she shouted, "those doors are made of imported mahogany. My husband ordered them special for me."

"I thought you'd change your mind," the officer laughed as she handed him her keys. "If someone bought me mahogany doors I'd take good care of them too."

The officers spent hours searching every room of the house, the basements, attics, crawl spaces, every cabinet, closet, nook and cranny only to find nothing but a few bread ties here and there.

Before they finished her husband arrived and later a technician from the local electric utility company came out and replaced their digital electric meter with a newer one. "This might be what caused it," the technician said. "We won't know until they get it back to the lab and open it up. Probably take a couple of weeks to get the results."

"You mean you searched our home and terrified my wife for hours because of a bad electric meter," her husband scolded the police officer.

"I'm sorry, Sir," the officer apologized. "Usually when the power company informs us that a residential property suddenly starts using such large amounts of electricity it's because someone is running a drug lab in the house."

"Think of it this way," another officer said, "just think how much money we saved you on your power bill." Everyone just stared at him. "Or not."

"Sir," the first officer asked, "maybe this isn't the best time but can you tell us what it is with all the bread ties stuck back all over the house?"

"If you can figure that out," her husband answered, "she just might forgive you."

As the last of the police officers drove away she looked at him and said, "That must have cost you a fortune to pull off."

Please continue reading Part 5, Charged

American Zenith

The American and world wide marketing and public relations industry has reached its zenith. Marketers are now able to make more money promoting ideas than can be made from achieving the ideas themselves.

It's all downhill from here.


Feb 13, 2018

Bread Ties, Part 3, Swept Away

Previously Unfinished

He had been the top broker with his firm for ten years in a row and had been asked to help train other brokers at this year's annual training and awards convention in New York. She decided to go along so that she might take in some of the sights and do some shopping.

Their flight went well as did the limo ride and check in to their hotel suite. She was amazed at how nicely appointed their rooms turned out to be.

When they walked into their suite he immediately excused himself to the bathroom and she began unpacking a few things from their luggage. Then she walked into the bathroom only to discover a couple of bread ties lying on the bathroom floor. "Did you put those in here?" she asked.

"Did I put what in there?" he asked as he walked back into the bathroom.

"Those," she said, pointing at the bread ties in the middle of the bathroom floor.

"They weren't there when I was in there," he said.

"Stop it," she shouted. "Just stop it!"

"Stop what?" he asked.

"You know," she started crying, "trying to drive me crazy."

"I'm not trying to drive you crazy," he argued. "I told you I didn't put those there."

"Well who did?" she asked.

"I don't know," he answered. "Maybe the housekeeping staff failed to get them up when they cleaned the room."

"But you said they weren't there when you were in there."

"Maybe they were and I didn't see them," he replied. "Honey, this isn't like you, starting a fight over a couple of bread ties-- you don't act like that."

"You're right," she cried, "I'm sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me lately."

"Are you still seeing that therapist?" he asked. "If you want we can find someone else?"

"My therapist is fine," she answered, drying the tears from her eyes. "I still go every week."

"Remember," he said reaching to take her hand, "it's not like we're hurting for money. If you need anything I'll gladly pay for it."

"I know," she smiled as she pulled him close. "Thank you for being there for me."

All went well for the rest of the weekend. She spent her days as she had planned, shopping and sight seeing while he trained the other brokers. Each night there was a banquet with lots of speakers, awards, and spotlights shining on those who got the awards. She actually enjoyed being in the spotlight with him even if his fame would never be known beyond brokerage circles.

On their last night there she was feeling quite giddy, perhaps from the alcohol and perhaps from just having some time away from home. She had no qualms about be receptive to his advances that night. As a matter of fact, she could hardly wait to get him alone in their luxurious suite.

They had been making love just a minute or so when she moved her hand to the back of his neck. "What's this?" she asked.

"What's what?" he mumbled, continuing to make love to her.

"Stop," she demanded. "Let me see the back of your neck. What is this?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said as he turned his head so that she could see the back of his neck."

"Oh my god!" she shouted.

"What is it?" he asked.

"It's a bread tie sticking out of the back of your neck!" she exclaimed.

"It can't be," he said, "Pull it out so I can see it. Ouch, that hurt!"

"You said pull it out," she said, showing him the bread tie with blood on one end. "Didn't it hurt when you poked it in your neck?"

"I didn't poke that thing in my neck," he said. "I didn't even know it was there."

When they arrived back home the next day he dropped her off and drove to the office to begin catching up on some of the work and customer calls he'd missed while out of town. She walked inside the house, closed the door behind her, walked through the foyer and looked to see bread ties scattered all over the house.

She went to get her broom.

Please continue reading Part 4, Busted

From Buffalo With Love

Buffalo, NY-- Stay tuned as Wackemall Network News local correspondent Chic N Filet reports live from the western front on the latest turn of events in the Fast Food Wars:

Hot Wings

"What are these things, these hateful things?"
The King was heard to shout.
"They make a mess of all that rests
and fight in flight, no doubt!
They'll be no more, I'm declaring war
on every single one.
Call Angry Whopper, bring him here
armed with his biggest guns!"

Live coverage of the war will continue as soon as I get a bite!